gender is so fucked. im so confused and i dont know what to do or how my feelings relate to everything else in my life. i have this weird fixation on lesbian relationships and its not sexual or fetishising but somehow i feel like the only relationship id be happy in is a lesbian one (i was born male so we're clear). every instance of straight relationships ive seen has been abusive or gross or just seems so indulgent to so many things ive fought and regardless of my rationalization the fact is that the thought of being in a straight relationship, as the man at least, makes me hate myself and everything about it seems gross and unstable and fake. gay relationships are cool but still its hard for me to be comfortable with. basically i wish i was a cis lesbian so i could move on with my life. the hard part is i dont know if this is all tied to gender identity or issues like my perception of sexual expectations or just my history as both a victim and an abuser. i just want to be okay and its really fucking hard