Major Life Stuff (pt. IV)
We have some progress! Supposedly, my fiancĆ©ās offer letter will be ready by Friday. Weāll see how attractive the salary is. In my last update, I discussed the key factors that will dictate our decision (and my fiancĆ©ās compensation being one of those factors).
Now, Iām going to touch on my parents and my house. To add to my huge headache and stress over Japan, my tenants moved out today. They gave me their notice in early December so Iāve been grappling with this for nearly 2 months. The issue is now resolved but for an entire month, I agonized over my next step. If we go to Japan, I need to find new tenants asap. If we stay, I want to move out of our apartment and move into my house. (We need more space anywayāalthough 3 bedrooms is excessive for 2 people.) Hence, Japan was delaying my decision. I didnāt want to find new tenants and then kick them out if Japan fell through. But if I left the house empty while we wait for my boyās offer letter, I would lose rental income. On top of that, we have to pay rent for our apartment.
Ultimately, I consulted with my mom about my predicament. She suggested moving into my house immediately after my tenants leave. If we commit to Japan, I can look for tenants then. If we say no to Japan, then we donāt have to do anything since weāre already living in my house. This way, we can also avoid paying rent on our apartment. That was one weight off my shoulders. But now I have a bigger weight in its place.
I dreaded telling my parents about Japan. They are super traditional Chinese immigrant parentsāespecially my mother. They view the world and decisions through the lens of financial security and practicality. They do not understand āwesternā concepts like personal fulfillment or happiness. To them, money equals happiness. I have accepted that this is how they are due to their upbringing in Communist China. This is a cultural gap that cannot be bridged. I am at peace with this and no longer fight to change it. There is no convincing them otherwise. They are living comfortably now. However, for a majority of their lives, they were literally in survival mode. They did not have the luxury that my fiancĆ© and I enjoy nowāa life of thriving, not surviving.
With this context, I managed my expectations of how they would react. I didnāt think they would disown me, but they will definitely not support the decision. When I finally mustered the courage to tell my mom (my dad was at work and she filled him in later that evening), I was almost forced to because she kept nagging me about my house situation. She constantly pestered me about whether I would move into the house or continue to lease it. I tried to buy time as we were waiting for my boyās offer letter. I wanted more concrete details before informing her about Japan. So I told her over and over again that I was still contemplating the decision. Eventually, I had to come clean because the offer letter did not manifest (as weāre still waiting for it) and my momās incessant badgering got to me.
I broke the news to my mom during dim sum. Her initial reaction was what I expected. She was dismissive of the idea and questioned what I would do there in terms of work. I reassured her we would only pursue Japan if I had promising job prospects and my boyās compensation was competitive. I also reiteratedānumerous timesāthat this was a huge opportunity for my fiancĆ© to grow professionally. He would gain technical skills and learn to code (on Toyotaās dime). He would manage a team of software developers and have a lot more autonomy than he does at his current role. I also explained how Japan was behind my indecision with our housing dilemma. Thatās when she advised that we move in after my tenants move out, and go from there.
At the end of our conversation, she was pretty receptive to the idea of us moving. This was a major shock to my fiancĆ© and me. Her final words were that we should think it through carefully and the decision was ours to make. I was floored. I know for some of you, this sounds like any ordinary reaction from a parent. But yāall donāt understand my mother. She is the epitome of a helicopter mom and tiger mom. Iām almost 29 and she still tries to control my life.Ā
Unfortunately, this lukewarm blessing/approval from my mother was short-lived. That same night, as I was preparing for bed, my dad called me. My mom shared the news with him and he wanted to speak to me. For preface, my dad has always been the more open-minded and progressive parent. He would regularly side with me (indirectly) when my mom and I had heated arguments about my boyfriend (back when they both disapproved of him) or any other issue we didnāt see eye to eye. I felt like he had my back, and I could reliably count on him to support and trust my endeavors and choices. He understood my western ideals, and that I was trying my best to balance them with my Chinese values.Ā
My dad told me bluntly that he 100% absolutely does not support our decision to go to Japan. Then, he spent the next 20 minutes lecturing me about this foolish and unwise decision. This was the reaction I was expecting. Although, I was expecting it from my tiger mom, and not my laid-back father. I could hear my mom in the background interjecting and trying to grab the phone from my dad so she could give her two cents, as well. Iām not sure if my mom was disingenuous with her original response, or if my dad convinced her to change her stance after he voiced his concerns. Whatever the case, they are both staunchly against Japan.
My dad did not mince his words. Basically, he cannot imagine why my fiancĆ© and I would even consider leaving the lives we have created here to start a new one in a new country wildly far from home, where we are not familiar with the area, donāt know a single soul, or speak the language. Why would we willingly seek that type of adversity? Why would we give up our great paying jobs and wonderful benefits? He recognized that it was a good career move for my fiancĆ©; but he doesnāt think the extra money or skills outweigh the challenges of leaving the US and starting over in Japan. He kept repeating that my fiancĆ© and I are doing so well compared to our peers (like my cousins and his friendsā children). Why throw that all away?
As disappointing and frustrating as the conversation was, I could hear traces of my dadās open-mindedness. He repeated that he was not trying to dictate my life, and that he never has...which is true. He said if we were struggling in the US and couldnāt make a living or any money, he would support our pivot to Japan. He said if we were thinking about moving to another state, he would not hold us back. However, Japan is too far away and there are so many obstacles that we havenāt even thought about, it makes no sense to leave our comfortable and stable lives for a foreign country and uncertain prospects.
I tried to make my points. This is a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity for my fiancĆ©. Weāre only moving there for a few years, not permanently. We do have friends in Japan so we wonāt be all alone. We are smart and adaptable so we will figure out the culture and how to navigate Tokyo. Language is a barrier but my parents immigrated to the US with zero English skills and they have succeeded here. My dad shot this point down with swiftness: my parents were compelled to move to the US. They were in search of a better life since they had no opportunities in China. While my fiancĆ© and I have endless opportunities and potential in the US. I was mentally exhausted and didnāt want to argue with him so I simply told him I understood and appreciated his concerns, we havenāt made a decision yet so we are still thinking very hard about it.Ā
I didnāt dare attempt to convince him that Japan was also an incredible cultural experience and opportunity for personal growth. That the challenges we would face would help us mature. Like I said previously, they do not promote personal happiness or fulfillment. The only things worth pursuing in their eyes have to guarantee monetary or practical benefits.
Lastly, letās not skip the all-important kids tirade. Both my parents asserted that we are too old for this sort of venture. They criticized me for not being practical. Iām nearly 30 and I need to have kids like yesterday. Japan will mess this all up. Iām not at the point of my life where I want kids, or am willing to sacrifice my freedom to devote my entire existence to caring for a tiny human being. I want kids down the line but not in the next couple of years. I donāt think I will want to have kids in Japan, though. Children are difficult enough but raising them in a foreign country with no assistance from our parents sounds like hell. I also want to make sure Iām receiving the best care and finding a fluent English-speaking doctor/pediatrician might be difficult. (Iāve actually had experience going to the hospital in Japan and had to rely on an interpreter.)
Sooo that should cover everything. Iām swimming in anxiety and stress. In addition to Japan, weāre in the process of moving. Itās completely overwhelming. Even simple things like purchasing new appliances are stalled. Weāre not sure if weāre staying in my house for a few months as we prepare for Japan, or for the long haul. It would be a waste of money to invest in fancy laundry machines if we end up going to Japan and renting out my property again. Either way, 2019 has already been a doozy and weāre just one month in. Thanks so much for reading my rambling thoughts and offering your encouragement and guidance. Hopefully weāll be fine wherever we end up.
