jae

Traces of familiar wandering once more

[iranipapi]

[jae-080]

[jae-080]

[quotefeeling]

“I owe myself the biggest apology for putting up with what I didn’t deserve.”

— Unknown

[jae-080]

pastel skies in february

[gulistan-blog]

㋡🥀

[ur-daily-inspiration]

[artndetails]

greenhouse. (via)

[jae-080]

these babes 🥰

[jae-080]

I could stay right here and wake up beside ya

[psy-rituality]

Craig Walsh

Charlotte’s Descendant" was featured in the Old Settlers’ Cemetery in Charlotte North Carolina. The installation pays tribute to the lives of Mecklenburg County’s formerly enslaved citizens and free people throughout the 18th and 19th Centuries by honoring Charlotte’s Descendants⁠

[jae-080]

These cuties 🤍

[jae-080]

Look at these smiles. How could I resist something as sweet as this? “I just want to enjoy the time we have.” We both understand and ignore any thought of ending though it’s come up. You don’t have to think about it right now, he says. Later, more time with me. More time together. We have enough time to be together. Pure Potential.

[jae-080]

That Wednesday we spoke about our feelings and how that last evening went after another beautiful date. He surprised me with a visit to the international art festival. We visited a cool installation and had a nice Indian dinner. He picked the spot and insisted on paying. He’s a baby daddy. We cleared things up though. He didn’t mean to ask all those questions. He just wants to spend this time with me before I move because he really likes me. I’m still a little worried about the future, but the present is so lovely with him. We got together again Saturday. He came to the show I hosted, departed for a family function, then after I went out with my friends to an amazing warehouse party, we met up at his place. I spent that night, and the next morning we woke up, had a cute brunch and spent the whole day together adventuring. I took him around south end, a walk around the lake at freedom park, a stroll through queens university campus and the adorable neighborhood around it. He’d never been. We held hands and smiled the whole way. He took me to a plant shop he liked too and I got a cactus for myself and a new pot for him. It was a beautiful day.

I’m so worried bc I don’t know how to just go on dates and have a boyfriend. Now that we’re doing it it’s just so pretty. The two of us, deciding to enjoy it, not rushing to the end. It’s familiar yet altogether new. I feel lucky to share this with Fran. I’m putting my worries aside.

[jae-080]

Rewind

[jae-080]

Catching feelings at inconvenient times. I was just casually on Grindr on my way out of the city and then Fran sends me a message with his picture. Shall we grab lunch? That turns into a first date conversation. He shares he’s married and getting a divorce. He already lives on his own. He’s 22. I share I’m leaving for New York in the coming months and I’ve been talking to someone there who I’ve been friends with for a few years, who says he wants to be friends still (“this doesn’t mean we’re in a relationship”).

I was into the idea of a boyfriend for fall, something Alex posted on his stories recently. Then I met Fran. Our first date turned to a dip at his apartment’s pool, I needed to take my last work meeting from his house, let’s grab wine and snacks at the store, do I want to stay the night? Of course. He’s so pretty and sweet. It escalates quickly. We avoided our first kiss a few times. But it happened that night. It reminded me of falling for Michael 5 years ago.

I could have exercised more boundaries. Perhaps then we wouldn’t have slipped to the end like we have. We haven’t had sex. He gave me fellatio first and I returned. Then he did it again on the 2nd or 3rd night. We dated fiercely, to quote the Korean drama I’m watching. I like him a lot. I won’t say I’m in love with him. But I like his company and his music taste and the beautiful dates we’ve shared. But I feel like I know how the story ends — with me leaving. I don’t want to hurt him, or myself. I want it to end as a beautiful experience, a fond memory of those days together as boyfriends in charlotte. That’s what I wanted to say when I started here: we’ve both been married or in a long term partnership like marriage as I have. The ways we relate to each other is falling into the ease, or patterns or rhythms we had with our exes. He reminds me so much of my ex, but of other exes too.

Perhaps we can love each other just for now. I just doubt for the feelings I still have for Alex. He’d want to be in touch and not see that I’d replaced him. Yet there’s a doubt I have about alex still. But what to believe? How to behave? Alex wouldn’t mind. Fran though…? Based on what we’ve talked about so far he’d be hurt. But we’re so cute together. There’s no one else in charlotte I’d rather spend my time with. We enjoy each other a lot. So get into it and loosen up? Or close off and end this before it causes harm. He doesn’t know my true feelings. We’ve planned to meet tomorrow. He wanted to plan something. What will I say?

[twoseparatecoursesmeet]

San Francisco from Alcatraz, 1978

Mickey Crisp