BROKEN PROMISES āÆ
[ ... ]
His eyes went wide as soon as he did, though, and he blinked ā once, twice ā before separating himself from Jaehyun to take a proper look at his hand. The sight he was met with had a gasp leaving his lips, hands immediately coming down to cradle Jaehyunās hand in his own.
What was he thinking?Ā The question rose to Jiminās mind, inevitably, but Jimin didnāt pay it too much mind, far too preoccupied by the alarmed thoughts that were running through his head after heād seen the swelling thatād reached Jaehyunās (broken) hand.
āJaehyunnie, wā we really need to get this checked.ā
Jaehyun often felt lost, as if floating in the middle of the ocean, with nothing to keep him afloat, and he was slowly losing strength, his ability to keep himself above water was withering away, and he was afraid - he didnāt want to know what happened when he finally lost all strength. Sometimes he hoped heād slip away silently, without a fuss, no pain, no thoughts, nothing. Just one day he wouldnāt be there anymore, and it would be like heād never been there at all - but the idea of death, of dying, terrified him, even when he was exposed to death so often at his own hands.
In reality, how different would it be, ending his own life, or someone elseās?
Very, he often thought. The thought of not knowing what to expect, of losing the little life he had left, terrified him - chilled him to the bone, and though he often thought it would be so much easier, he couldnāt bring himself to the actual act, no matter how long he stared at the blade in his hand as he stood over the sink, wrists bared. Or not matter how long he stood with the bottle in his hands, or how many pills he poured into his hand - he eventually returned them to the bottle, unable to do it.
And every single time, his thoughts simply resided on Jimin. The one person in his life who brought him any considerable amount of anything remotely close to happiness. He knew he loved Jimin - heād do anything for Jimin, just to make Jimin happy. It upset him, annoyed him, angered him, these weak feeling, emotions he never wanted to feel - he never wanted to fall in love, he didnāt even understand friendship - how could he fall in love? Heād never thought it would be possible for him, but he knew he loved Jimin, and slowly, ever so slowly, he was coming to terms with it.
Something about Jimin just made his life that small bit better - if Jimin was with him, Jaehyun almost felt as if he would be able to smile, genuinely - he didnāt want to, he thought he looked weird when he smiled, but somehow Jimin managed to pull smiles to the very corners of Jaehyunās lips so easily. He didnāt seem to even have to try, just the smallest thing making Jaehyun want to laugh and grin. It scared him, that one person could have such an effect on him. Jimin was the kind of person that, at the same time as making Jaehyun strangely happy, also terrified him almost as much as the thought of dying.
The happiness made up for the fear, though.
It was hard being near Jimin like this, however, after the knowledge heād just taken in; that Jimin was on the opposite team. If Lee Junho knewā¦ It wouldnāt go down well with any of Lotus, Jaehyun being so close to an Iris member. But then he would just have to keep Jimin safe and shrouded beneath a cloak of secrecy. No one could know that Jimin was on Iris, no one - not even Iris members. To others Jimin had to just stay as the normal student, cheerful and safe. Not like Jaehyun, dangerous with death at every door, ready to strike.
He couldnāt help himself, it seemed, as he clung to Jimin, as if with the intention of never letting go - he didnāt particularly want to. Even the painful throbbing of his very clearly broken hand didnāt bother him as much as the idea of moving away from Jimin, from letting go of him. It wasnāt often that he felt protective, but those few times he did was only when around Jimin, when trying to keep him safe - heād do anything to keep Jimin safe, even as he slowly broke as a person, he had to make sure Jimin never even acquired a single crack in her perfect life.
It struck him as odd every single time they ended up this close, that the closeness, the touching, no longer bothered him. It still terrified him to let anyone else lay a single finger on him. The danger that touching held, the chance of being hurt by someone else, was so great, that he simply couldnāt bring himself to let someone he didnāt trust to a certain extent lay a single finger on him. There were people that Jaehyun didnāt mind conversing with, even found interesting. Kim Sunggyu, Lee Jongsuk, even sometimes Lee Junho - but he would never let any of them touch him, or at least not Jongsuk and Junho. He found, after some time spent with the elder, heād come to hold a certain amount of trust and respect for Sunggyu, even if he didnāt completely understand him and his decisions.
Nam Woohyun being one of those decisions he simply couldnāt fathom being logical at all - but then when the situation was likened to his own with Jimin, it made more sense. Sometimes people with...different minds found themselves becoming somewhat attached to people with a significantly larger amount of sanity retained. If Jaehyun looked closer, heād see the effect these seemingly insane men had on those they were close to - Nam Woohyun wasnāt entirely sane, as he was before meeting Sunggyu, and here Jimin was, comforting a psychopath - surely the boy wouldnāt have ever thought of doing such a thing before he became close a real life psychopathic murderer.
The sudden movement was unexpected, sending a shock through his system, painful and lingering, causing every muscle in his body to tense up, a startled gasp leaving his lips. He froze, eyes wide as he peered at Jimin, ignoring how his hand twinged with intensified pain at event the gentle handling of the shattered, swollen hand. But slowly he relaxed, biting his lip as he glanced down at his own hand, numb and tingling by this point, before he registered the words spoken and his eyes once again widened.
āI canātā¦ Not a hospital. I canāt..go to a hospital..ā He spoke with a sense of urgency. He couldnāt deal with the people he didnāt know, didnāt trust, touching him. He couldnāt think of anyone who could help him, though, as he knew, even with his somewhat stubborn nature, that he needed to do something about his hand. It was broken, in multiple places it seemed, and it needed mending, but he didnāt know how to - heād never been seriously injured before. The only time heād been to a doctor was for a checkup, at which he was diagnosed with all sorts - he was a sickly, both physically, and mentally, child, they said.
He didnāt disagree.
āJiminā¦ Jiminnie I justā¦ I donāt know what to doā¦ā He admitted, biting his lip and scrunching his eyes closed, trying to block out the pain that was still sending tears tracking down his cheeks. It felt like someone had tried to hack his hand off with a rusty axe, rather than just having been shattered upon meeting with the hard metal locker. He didnāt know what to do, so he simply let his forehead fall to Jiminās shoulder once again, his head swimming, vision blurring, and suddenly he felt light headed, as if he might float away, or fall asleep.
āIā¦ I need help.ā
It was the first time in Jaehyunās life he could remember admitting that he needed help; he didnāt just mean with his hand, either.
