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I can't help but read posts about accepting other people with compassion as accepting abusers into my life, because I used to be very open hearted and people took advantage of it, and I mistakenly believed that acceptance and compassion meant letting people hurt me. I know that's not what it does mean, but I still get nervous and I don't know how to stop emotionally flinching at that idea.

Excellent point.

Acceptance and compassion can be important practices in healing from an abusive relationship. If somebody is abusive and hurts you intentionally, acceptance allows you to recognize that and to protect yourself. If you accept that a person disregards personal boundaries or derives pleasure or comfort from making others suffer, then you will not expose yourself to them more than necessary. You will not endure ongoing trauma hoping that they will change.

Compassion allows you to look into their experience of suffering. When you see their abusive habits as coming from their confusion and suffering, you can absolve yourself of any sense of blame. That may be all you can do for them. That is enough. Even if you look into their experience of suffering and are glad about it, that is not compassion, but it could be a start.

If you practice compassion for yourself, you help your own healing. If someday you are able to feel compassion for a person that has abused you, you will see how far you have come.

Compassion is looking into another’s or your own suffering, caring about the suffering, and looking for a solution to the suffering. It does not involve letting people take advantage of you. Acceptance is seeing things as they are. It should inform your reaction. It does not mean that you excuse poor behavior or put up with injustice.

Thank you for writing specifically about acceptance and compassion in relation to abuse.

zenmister

do people really change? can they really change?

Everything changes. Everybody changes. People cannot not change. It is important to take part in your own change process. Some people actively take part in their change process by trying not to change. They stick with their habits that cause them to suffer in the same predictable ways throughout their lives.

It is difficult to get people to recognize their habits and look into why they are suffering, even if you can see clearly what is wrong.

It can be extremely frustrating to watch somebody you care about fight change. All you can do is work on your own change. Change your expectations of them. Learn to accept them just as they are. If they are unable to change with you, you will be able to judge your own growth by how your relationship to them changes.

As you relate to them with acceptance and compassion, you will help them and you will help yourself. If you continually look into how they suffer, you may gain some insight into what might help them.

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