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Topical Jokes Delivered by 9am

[jakebrannon-blog]

Wednesday, July 29th

- Tom Cruise announced that he'd be interested in doing a sequel to Top Gun without CGI. And to be clear CGI stands for "Cuba Gooding In It." - A beach life guard was fired after a video showed her sleeping on the job. However, people aren't talking about the other video that shows a shark slipping her a $100 bill. - David Faustino, cast member of "Married...With Children" announced that he is planning a spinoff of the 1990s sitcom. The current working title is "Has-been...With Debt."

[jakebrannon-blog]

Monday, July 27

- Clippers forward Josh Smith said that his $6.9 Million salary will be harder on his family. Mainly because of how hard they'll be laughing at how much "6.9" looks like "69." - A New Jersey man was arrested for breaking into someone's home, hiding under their bed, and charging his cell phone. He went days without eating and severely hurt his back, but at least their coffee was cheaper than Starbucks. - Snoop Dogg stated that he will not return to Sweden after being arrested there on drug suspicion. That, and that fact that "snoopdogg" is Swedish for "apple penis."

[jakebrannon-blog]

Saturday, July 25th

- A New York professor recently created a hybrid tree that produces forty different types of fruit. "I think you mean thirty nine," said the one dude still hung up on the whole "tomato" thing. - Converse is updating the design of their Chuck Taylors for the first time since 1914. They're also changing their slogan for the first time, which is still, "Stomp out the Hun with Converse!" - The US House banned a law requiring states to label genetically modified foods. But don't worry, these basketball-sized oranges are label enough.

[jakebrannon-blog]

Monday, June 22nd

The world's smallest country, home to just 48 people, just legalized marriage equality, but don't have any gay couples looking to wed. They also recently built a stadium for a professional football team, as well as a 100 space parking lot.

French Teen Melissa Mayeux has made history by becoming the first female eligible for MLB signing. Are we sure they actually have baseball in France though? Is baseball just slang for reading philosophy while eating fancy strawberries?

General Mills will be removing all artificial ingredients from their cereals. This includes their mascots like Tony The Tiger, who will go back to being normal animals instead of genetically modified monstrosities.

[jakebrannon-blog]

Thursday, June 18th

Someone recently put up a large board full of $1 bills in L.A. with a sign that said “Take What You Need.” It was a great experiment in helping the needy, until someone needed a board. 

Michael Oher, the NFL player on whom The Blind Side was based, has said that the movie has hurt his football career by creating unrealistic expectations. Apparently fans have been disappointed that Sandra Bullock isn't at every one of his games.

The French Ecology Minister recently announced that we should stop eating Nutella, because certain ingredients lead to deforestation. What she doesn't know is that the sweet taste of Nutella is the only thing keeping me from chopping down several trees every day.

[jakebrannon-blog]

Friday, June 12th

Twitter CEO Dick Costolo has announced that he is stepping down. He's been at the top of that staircase for three days straight and has missed a lot of work.

A New Jersey teenager revealed that he was gay in his Senior yearbook quote. Apparently his quote was lyrics from a Les Mis song, followed by the words, “Also, I am gay.”

A British Nobel Prize winner has resigned from his teaching position at a London university after saying that female scientists should work in separate labs. The university was already suspicious of his views after he altered his Nobel Prize to say “Bro-bel.”

[jakebrannon-blog]

Friday, May 15th

The secret letters that Prince Charles wrote to government officials while in office have finally been published. As we all suspected, the letters are pretty steamy...if trade negotiations and economics are what turn you on.

A California judge ruled against a school's attempt to institute “abstinence only” sex education. The judge instead instituted an “ignorance only” method by dropping the curriculum altogether.

The world's first warm-blooded fish, the “opah,” was just discovered. You could have told me that fish didn't even have blood and I probably would have believed it.

[jakebrannon-blog]

Thursday, May 14th

Facebook recently announced that it will increase pay and benefits for its lower income workers, raising their pay to $15/hr. Plus, an additional cent an hour for every “Like” their statuses get.

Netflix announced that their new series, Between, will release one episode per week, instead of releasing every episode at once like they normally do. Just one of the many ways Netflix keeps revolutionizing television! So visionary!

The Baltimore Orioles announced that they will pay their workers for the time they missed during the protests. Orioles executives can afford to do this after selling all those sweet TVs they looted during the protests.

[jakebrannon-blog]

Wednesday, May 13th

The FDA recently recommended lifting the lifetime ban on gay men being able to donate blood. This ban had nothing to do with a fear of A.I.D.S., but rather the reputation gay men have for devouring large amounts of free cookies and juice.

Over the weekend, a wild boar fell through the roof of a mall in China. It politely apologized for the damage it caused, in both Mandarin and English, and got itself a job working in the mall that same day. 

President Barack Obama announced that he will be building his presidential library on the South Side of Chicago. It has yet to be announced whether or not it will be Blood or Crip turf. 

The NFL announced that Tom Brady will be suspended for 4 games due to his involvement in the “Deflategate” scandal back in February. Unfortunately, the NFL didn't specify that they had to be football games, so Brady will be sitting out 4 of his family's Monopoly game nights.

[jakebrannon-blog]

Tuesday, May 12th

On May 18th, Sonya Baumaumstein will attempt to be the first woman to cross the Pacific Ocean alone in a rowboat. I mean, good for her but how will she ask for directions?

New Jersey Governor Chris Christie reportedly spent $82,000 of taxpayer money on concessions at NFL games last year. Apparently it broke down to $2,000 for food, and $80,000 to let him shoot the t-shirt gun.

A Canadian man just admitted to murder via Facebook post. So, if someone could share that on the local police's Facebook page, that'd be awesome.

[jakebrannon-blog]

Monday, May 11th

Kanye West bought Km Kardashian a couple thousand roses for Mother's Day this year. Last year, he built her a wall of roses, and next year, he's going to shrink her down so that she can go inside of one, Honey I Shrunk The Kids-style.

People are concerned that synthetic turf, which is made from recycled tires, might be toxic. I don't see how pieces of rubber that have touched the ground and been exposed to the elements for years could have ANY chance of being toxic.

A man in Florida robbed a woman on an elevator, then proceeded to get momentarily stuck on the elevator with her. At least they had something to talk about instead of awkward silence, which is just the worst, you know?

[jakebrannon-blog]

Friday, May 8th

The top two baby names of 2014 were Noah and Emma. I guess people really loved that movie Noah starring Emma Watson.

A North Carolina police officer is suing Starbucks after spilling a free cup of coffee on himself. But, in the cop's defense, the coffee was black.

The first storm of hurricane season, which is currently forming off the southeastern coast, has been officially named Ana. Disney paid $200 million for that name, and as hurricane season continues you can expect to see Elsa and Olaf as well.

[jakebrannon-blog]

Thursday, May 7th

A comedy club in New York has announced that they'll be presenting holograms of comedy legends like Carlin and Pryor. This is great news for anyone who wants a 2 drink minimum with their YouTube videos.

McDonald's recently brought back their iconic “Hamburglar” character. Instead of a cartoon, he's a real man, and instead of burgers, he steals years off your life.

A Florida couple that was caught having sex on a beach must register as sex offenders. This means they'll have to go door-to-door telling their neighbors and receiving high-fives.

[jakebrannon-blog]

Wednesday, May 6th

The band U2 played on an NYC subway platform yesterday while wearing disguises. Their disguises: a band that people wanted to listen to.

A bodybuilder who wanted his arms to look like that of The Incredible Hulk nearly lost his arms as a result of his efforts. Apparently, the green paint he was using was lead-based.

[jakebrannon-blog]

Tuesday, May 5th

Microsoft just introduced a “middle finger” emoji. Or, a tan, upside-down popsicle depending on the context.

Ben Carson, the neurosurgeon celebrated for separating conjoined twins, has announced his run for president. So, he was able to separate two people, but let’s see if he can join together 300 million.

A USC student has been charged with “malicious tampering with food” for spraying Windex on her roommate’s sandwich. Last year, another student was charged with “benevolent tampering with food” when she sprinkled paprika on her roommate’s sandwich without her consent.

[jakebrannon-blog]

Monday, May 4th

China just built a 57-story building in only 19 days. Even more astounding, it'll only take 1 day for the entire thing to collapse!

Senator Bernie Sanders announced yesterday that if voted president, he would make America look more like Scandinavia. This of course means better healthcare, free college, and more white people.

Rapper Kanye West just changed the name of his new album from “So Help Me God” to “SWISH.” The new title is apparently an acronym for “Seriously, When Is Study Hall?”

[jakebrannon-blog]

Monday, April 20th

Norway will be the first country to turn off FM radio in 2017. This is especially disappointing since they just got it last year.

The new teaser trailer for Star Wars: Episode 7 increased Disney's stock by $2 billion dollars, as eager investors put money into the new franchise. This is the Wall Street equivalent of nerds buying mint condition collectibles at Comic Con.

South Carolina Senator Lindsey Graham said that there was a 91% chance that he would run for president in 2016. It was going to be 90%, but he found a heads-up penny that morning.