Jake's Journal

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Sometimes love means taking a step back. If you care about somebody, you should want them to be happy even if you wind up being left out.

Ted Mosby

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watching her walk down the aisle to this was a dream.

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Oh i completely forgot to share this with all of you! this is the wedding invite for their wedding. must have slipped my mind because of all the best man duties keeping me occupied. Too busy being a good best friend. 

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Definitely the most beautiful wedding i had ever attended. And the most beautiful bride i had ever seen.

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13th June 2018

It was a beautiful sunny day with the stage set up right in front of the beach decorated with elegant white lilies and linen. That's how Hailey and Cole’s wedding day looked like. Yes i told her and yes she had the most perfect proposal ever. I couldn't keep it from her because if i did, then I would be responsible for taking away two people’s happiness who are the closest to me and i couldn't live with that. I was in love with her. If you're looking for the word that means caring about someone beyond all rationality and wanting them to have everything they want no matter how much it destroys you- it's love. And when you love someone, you just don't stop.Ever. Even if people roll their eyes or call you crazy, even then- especially then. You don't give up because if you give up and take the whole world's advice and just move on, then it wouldn't be love. It would be some other disposable thing that wouldn't be worth fighting for. All i wanted was for her to be happy- even if it meant walking her down the aisle for my best friend. I wouldn't deny the fact that i was still a little upset over my situation but when i saw her in her extravagant wedding dress, almost looking like an angel had descended down to earth, i couldn't help but be filled with feelings of joy. She was the happiest bride i had ever seen before and she had never looked more beautiful. For the first time ever, i didn't feel like someone was piercing a hole through my heart. I was so genuinely happy for them and so content with the decision i had made. It's in that moment when i realized that some things are just not meant to be and that doesn't necessarily have to be a bad thing- sometimes, you just have to let go off the past to look at the bigger picture. Hailey wasn't going to be the one i ended up with but she was and will always be the most important lesson of my life. I finally felt free of all the negative and guilty emotions i had been feeling over the years. As i saw both of them perform their wedding rituals, i didn't know how to feel about it. Was it contentment or was it joy.

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Honestly, this song perfectly describes what was going on in my head when i was sitting in that car. i shouldn't have been put in that spot. 

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20th May 2018

Hailey. Her name was Hailey. It was exactly one year seven months and 23 days after i had gotten my heart broken. Cole and Hailey were happily together and as for me? Well i was doing just fine,or so i thought. Hailey became a very close friend and the three of us would hang out together almost every night having the time of our lives. 20th May 2018 was just another one of those nights- except, it wasn't. Hailey got up to get herself a drink when Cole jumped on to me, eager to tell me something. “I’m going to propose to Hailey tomorrow night and i need your help. I am going to pretend to bail on our plans for tomorrow night and it's your job to somehow bring her to the rose garden at 8 pm. Okay?” I was stumped. I hadn't felt more conflicted in my life ever before. On one hand i was so happy for Cole because he had finally found someone worth settling down for, but on the other hand i couldn't help but think about how madly in love i was with Hailey. At that moment i thought that maybe just going back home and calling it a night would help me make a decision the next day. But now it is the next and i am still equally as confused. Hailey texted me asking if i would go watch a movie with her because Cole had cancelled on her and I decided to go with her and make this decision in the car. I knew i was just stalling and delaying the moment where i would have to choose a path- but i just couldn't stand the thought of letting her go. All this time that i thought i was over her, i actually wasn't. I was just holding on to the little ray of hope i had and the possibility of the idea that maybe she would fall in love with me too. It was Hailey. I was just so exhausted of pretending that i wasn't in love with her. But this was just wrong. I couldn't do this to Cole- he was my best friend after all and i was happy to see him mature. My heart was racing as we were approaching our destination. I knew i had to take a call and i had to take it fast. I didn't know how to feel about this. Was it happiness or extreme sadness?

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Probably how i looked.

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29th October 2016

It was a regular Friday night at the pub. I was waiting for Cole to get our drinks while just thinking about how i was so over the concept of frivolous dating and how i just wanted to meet the love of my life. As cliche as it may sound, i turned around and there she was! It was like something from an old movie where the hero sees the girl from across the crowded dance floor,turns to  his buddy and says, “see that girl? I'm going to marry her someday!” It was nothing like i had ever experienced before. It wasn't like i hadn't seen a more beautiful girl than her, but i don't know why i couldn't take my eyes off her face. Her eyes as bright as the stars and a dimpled million dollar smile that could light up anybody’s day. As ecstatic and excited i was to go up to her and start a conversation, i was equally as nervous- just the thought that she might be THE ONE was giving me the chills. I decided to go to the washroom and take a moment before i could approach probably the single most important moment of my life, because i mean you only do get ONE shot at this! I gave myself a slight pep talk and walked out of the washroom only to see a sight that literally broke my heart. I saw my best friend Cole kissing the girl of my dreams. I had the worst sinking feeling ever. It felt like my whole life had been ripped apart and i felt so aimless and clueless. I didn't know what to do or how to feel. I was so angry at Cole for ruining what could have been my whole future but at the same time confused at how this had happened. A part of me wanted to go fight with Cole but the other part stopped me because it wasn't like i had any control over this girl. I was feeling a plethora of emotions at that moment. That's when i realized that life doesn't always go the way you want it to go- it can throw you lemons when all you wanted was some chocolate cake and you'll have no choice but to take it! Just when i thought the situation couldn't get any more awkward, Cole decided to walk up to me and introduce me to the girl I had just fallen in love with 15 minutes ago. I didn't know how to feel about this. Was it anger or was it confusion?