If I am murdered, know this
If I am murdered, know I saw it coming. I suspected it, feared it, obsessed over it even. Never had the privilege of being oblivious and carefree. Sure, I could assume it’ll never be me, but my demographics don’t allow for such folly. I can’t sit here as a woman, a black woman, a black Muslim woman and never consider that I may find my way into someone’s crosshairs. Macabre, I know, but denying it wouldn’t make it any better. So know I was vigilant and aware, and that still wasn’t enough. Know I discussed it with friends, to buy a gun or not. “I’d have to keep it away from my kids. Would it even be worth it if I have to keep it so far away and locked up? Could I even get to it in time?“ These are the things we discuss. And pepper spray, we talk about that too. (FYI, it’s better to buy foam than traditional liquid. Foam won’t blow back into your face. A friend taught me that last night.) These are the things we discuss.
If I am murdered, know the person who did it couldn’t see me. Could only see hate and fear of his (or her) own weakness. Certainly, he wouldn’t know that I’m really funny and super chill. Wouldn’t know that I have a husband who adores me and kids who need my everything. Wouldn’t know that between the two of us, I’m not the one who is the threat. All he’d know was that I’m one of “them,” different and therefore deserving of death.
If I am murdered, know that I never became numb. Every murder before mine was painful and real. Nabra Hassanen could have been my niece, Charleena Lyles could have been my sister, those killed and injured in the Finsbury Park Mosque attack could have been my friends. It’s never just a sad story. They’re all real, all of them: Ricky John Best, Taliesin Myrddin Namkai Meche, Azzeddine Soufiane, Mamadou Tanou Barry, Ibrahima Barry, Abdelkrim Hassane, Khaled Belkacemi, Aboubaker Thabti, Cynthia Marie Graham Hurd, Susie Jackson, Ethel Lee Lance, Depayne Middleton-Doctor, Clementa C. Pinckney, Tywanza Sanders, Daniel Simmons, Sharonda Coleman, Myra Thompson, Philando Castile, Alton Sterling, Rekia Boyd, Katherine Johnston, Deah Barakat, Yusor Abu-Salha, Razan Abu-Salha, Korryn Gaines, Sandra Bland, Mohamedtaha Omar, Adam Mekki, Muhannad Tairab, Ben Keita, the 49 killed at Pulse Night Club, Walter Scott, Tamir Rice, Sean Bell, Aiyana Jones, Eric Garner, and… and… and. I could never list them all. What a shame that I could never list them all.
If I am murdered, know that I didn’t let fear stop me. Cautious but undeterred, I walked this earth like I owned it (because I do). I walked this earth like I have great, great, great grands who took lashes for my freedom, who sneaked and planned and disobeyed and ran and risked and died for my freedom. I walked this earth like I owe something to those who lie beneath it. And most importantly, I walked this earth like I believe in the protection and qadr (decree) of Allah (swt). So as long as I am able, as long as I am alive and have no hashtags associated with my name, I will laugh and love, push and pursue, smile and sing as though my spirit is immortal.
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