THIS IS GOSPEL;

✫ JAMES TYLER ASHCROFT ✫ 22 ✫ BARTENDER ✫ ARTIST ✫ NEW YORK ✫ SUGAR BABY ✫ ♕ ♔ ♕ 'This is gospel for the vagabonds, Ne'er-do-wells and insufferable bastards'

[jamesashcroft-blog1]

TXT || JUDE

JUDE: You're allowed to check. Thank you.

JUDE: The past stuff got brought up because he called my feelings guilt trips, so I laid out some of the past stuff he's done so that it was clear that I had done no such thing. I spoke about my feelings that were born because of his shitty actions, I did not guilt trip. I deserve the right to say something when people do shitty things. And I deserve to keep pushing until said shitty things are realized. I'll study all night and quote things from books about verbal abuse all night to fight my side if I have to. Even my own twin is comforting him and not bothering with me- it's clear that I'm the only person that is ever going to fight for me so I won't give up on this until someone that isn't you validates me. I deserve that too. The whole fucking house saw him call my feelings guilt trips, then continue to be a ridiculous asshole every step of the way after that. Not a fucking one of the people here stood up to say, hey, he has a point. You shouldn't call his feelings guilt trips. You shouldn't call his experiences stories. You shouldn't disrespect him at every turn.

JUDE: So you'll have to forgive me if my already low sense of self worth is dipping at the moment.

JAMES: Just like you are, if you ever need to. You're welcome.

JAMES: I know, I saw that and you had every right to bring what he had done up, because it was public and you were supplying information behind your words and it made it clear that he was in the wrong, it was the right thing to do. Even if it was hard to bring up, and I know with it brought those feelings up because they're still there, they're still important because you are still being treated the same way, even when all of this is done with, he still pushes you down because he feels like he can and that's not right. You're still being pushed around when you shouldn't have even been made to feel like shit for caring in the first place. I know you do, you want your views to be seen, for people to realize, to be validated, to call him out and show people that he was being abusive and that it wasn't okay. Because it's fucking not. You have a right to stand up for it all, Jude. I saw that- I thought he might have came to you privately.. but if he hasn't.. I don't.. that's not right. You're hurt, reading the conversation anyone can see that, people should care about your feelings, ask if you're okay, and like you said stand up and say that you were right and that what you were saying is clear to see and so were his intentions. You shouldn't be disrespected ever, no one should. Because what's the fucking point in belittling someone and making them feel worthless, what's it going to get you in the end, because if it's pride then there's something wrong with you and you need to reevaluate your actions and how you act, but from past experiences, I feel like we're not going to get that. I hate that he's made you feel that way, I hate that this should have been over and done with weeks ago, I hate that he has to go and belittle everything about you to a point where it's abuse.

JAMES: You don't have to apologize for that. He made you feel like shit because he abused you and your words, you're going to feel like shit and the only thing I can do is be there and hope that it makes you feel that little bit better.

[militaryboundhunt]

You know he thinks I’m obsessed with you? That I want to possess you? If we’re talking about the power of words. He has a few loaded choices of his own. We barely speak anymore and yet I’m the abusive asshole but hey, whatever. 

Right.  Hurtful words. Whatever. 

No shit. 

[jamesashcroft-blog1]

Enjoy your drink, Hunter. I hope your quest for ice goes well.

[jamesashcroft-blog1]

TXT || JUDE

JUDE: I always want you, beautiful.

JUDE: You're right though, and I get your intention before in saying I should walk away. You're trying to help. You're trying to make me feel better in the face of an asshole who obviously can't drop this.

JUDE: Real pissed about him acting like I brought the past drama up too, when it was his first words that did the trick. He couldn't possibly say that guilt trip line and then expect me to not say something. And if he did, that means he thought he could publicly call my feelings a tool that are meant for nothing but making other people feel bad and get away with it.

JUDE: Once he fails to defend himself, which he has been doing since the moment this began, I'm sure this will end and everyone here can see how awful he's being. We all know people here don't forgive shit like that without actual remorse. Then again, maybe him treating /me/ like shit isn't important enough for other people to feel like they should care that much.

JUDE: I'll see you soon?

JAMES: Just checking.

JAMES: I'm a runner, not a fighter... I don't like conflict, I just don't. It's not something I deal well with, and the ability to put words together and have them hold weight when in that kind of situation is a lot harder than normal. So I run. It's easier. I'm trying to make you feel better, you're right, in whether or not I'm succeeding in making you feel better is a whole different thing. I'm mostly just trying to make you see that you're important, this is one man- you've got a whole load of other people who thing differently.

JAMES: He knew he was talking to, he should have known that you were going to come back with something and not let it go, not when it came to your feelings and experiences. You're a fighter, you weren't going to let it go by unnoticed, it's not what you do.

JAMES: I think being in this house doesn't help when it comes to people forgiving and forgetting, because all it takes is one bad day for things to be set off and for people to bring up shit that you thought was in the past. This house fucks with your head in ways I wish it didn't, so not being able to escape or breathe, doesn't help. Hey! You're important, Jude. So important.

JAMES: You'll see me soon.

[militaryboundhunt]

Right. Those kind of words? Christ. Nope- Never mind. There’s no point to this. 

Yeah. Well, lucky for me. At least ice cubes situation is easier to resolve. 

[jamesashcroft-blog1]

I never said which words, I simply meant words that cause harm. Mean, cruel, fucking hurtful. Just-.. think. Alright. No harm in reflecting. 

I can imagine it is. 

[militaryboundhunt]

….There are a thousand things that popped into my head just now that I won’t say. But I agree, I hope it’s the last time. You go do that good boyfriend thing James, you do so well. 

I have a few ice cubes to find. 

[jamesashcroft-blog1]

Good, because honestly, I think you’ve said quite enough tonight. Just be civil, it’s not hard. There’s no need for those kind of words to be thrown around, especially when we have to put up with one another daily, it just makes things a whole lot worse for a bunch of us. I am, because that’s what you do for the people you care about, you be there for them when they’re hurt. 

Good luck with that.

[jamesashcroft-blog1]

TXT || JUDE

JUDE: You wanna tell that "walk away" line to the people that picket for the rights of groups of people? What makes my rights as one person any different than that? If he's going to throw flippant comments about me making guilt trips, I'm going to call him out. If he's going to call the nasty ass bullshit he put us through stories, even after I detailed what I did out for him like that, then I'm going to call him out. I'm not going to make it easy for him to belittle me, my experiences, or my emotions.

JUDE: I already felt pathetic enough, being jealous of someone that's being obviously possessive and obsessive over the guy you're falling for in a big way is fucking terrible. He treated you like a toy and he treated me like shit whenever I said anything about it. As if standing up for your rights was stupid. Which is what he's doing now; treating my rights as if they were stupid. And he /is/ obsessive. He cheated on the "love of his life" with you. Repeatedly, on an emotional level, and he was desperate about it. Wasn't it not even a few hours after he told his bf that he'd stop flirting with you that he was already flirting with you again? Sending you kinky gifts? You've got to be obsessive to do that, especially when you know that doing it is going to hurt the one you love.

JUDE: I had every right to call him out before. I have every right to call him out now. We could have not gotten along in a way that didn't involve his first words to me being a jab at my feelings-- trying to turn me having emotions into a negative that hurts people.

JUDE: I'm on my way to the roof for some air.

JAMES: No. Of course not. I guess I'm just used to walking- or well running away I never really think of many other options. You have and had every right to call him out, he was making assumptions, bad ones, about you and you put him right. He's put us through a lot, he's put you through a lot and I wish he could just drop it and move on. I don't understand the need to continue, there's nothing more there. We've moved on, there's no need to put you down again and again. You don't deserve it. You don't deserve someone to look at you, and think of you as invalid, because you're valid. You're just as much valid as he is, just as important.

JAMES: You're not being pathetic, you're being protective and it's a fucking amazing feeling to have for someone you care about so much. He did what he did to me, I took it, I made my own mistakes by not stopping it and you told me every step of the way that I should, you saw it coming, you knew he wasn't good news and even though you were the one who was there for me when things went to shit. You're still getting it. You're still getting the backlash and the vicious words, being put down for how you feel and how you felt, and it's not right. Your rights are important, no one should be made to feel like they don't matter, not when they're just expressing their feelings and what happened to them, calling people out for what they think they're doing. I know. What he did wasn't right and even after their were still mistakes made, and you have every right to be angry, to be pissed of at him, at anyone who tells you that what's going on is invalid. You've got every single right. And I know all of this probably means fuck all, because it's not going to fix things, I'm just hoping that it'll show you that there are probably more people out there who think you're valid and important then people who think that you're not. This is one guy, trying to get to you, trying to put you down. And I wish I knew how to make him stop, I wish he would see his faults and just.. stop.

JAMES: I'll come and find you... unless you want to be alone?

[militaryboundhunt]

They need one in a glass case that says “break glass in case of short person.’ And speaking of glasses- 

I’m sure you have stuff to do and I have a few more glasses of expensive scotch to drown. So. 

I should do that. 

[jamesashcroft-blog1]

I’m sure they would come in handy around here, I can’t be one of the few that are a little on the short side. 

Yeah, I think that might be for the best because I’m trying really hard right now to be civil, but it’s very fucking hard given that this isn’t the first time something like this has happened. I’m hoping it’ll be the last, because I don’t like seeing Jude like this, I don’t like seeing him hurt for things he can’t control like how he feels. 

I think sometimes you need to take a step back before you speak, Hunter. It’ll probably save you a whole lot of problems. 

[militaryboundhunt]

People see what they want to see James. And that’s pretty much all I’m going to say on that topic.  And you know that’s why they invented ladders right? If you really want the good stuff. Sometimes you just gotta find the way. 

I’m not unconvinced he’s not some sort of magical warlock when it comes to food. Heh. Order in? Or like, some terrible fast food cheeseburgers? I had some craving for this great Italian place that was near my apartment the other day. It was tragic. Ooooh. noddles. You should get a new boyscout patch for that. Eh. You were’nt that bad. Not that I saw you in the worst whiny dramatic mode. 

[jamesashcroft-blog1]

Mhm, they do. And sometimes what they see is an accurate picture of what’s really going on. But like you said, that’s all that’s going to be said on that topic because I’d rather not indulge in all of that. Oh yeah, because I always keep a pair of ladder folded up in my back pocket, it’s be easier for all us who are slightly shorter if things were kept on a reachable shelf. 

Shit. Okay, at first there would be a lot of fast food because I miss it. So much. That and Starbucks, images of coffee and fast food are indeed becoming slightly pornographic in my mind when it comes to thinking about them. I should, I fucking earned it. I think the whining was worse in person, you managed to escape it. 

[jamesashcroft-blog1]

TXT || JUDE

JUDE: I’m just pissed off. I made a stupid one-shot comment that I probably shouldn’t have and now I’m being oppressed. I didn’t say anything about you and he had to flip it to be so by mentioning my “guilt trips” aka emotions. As if I don’t already have a difficult enough time speaking up when I need to, I now have an abusive asshole telling me my feelings are guilt trips and my struggles are stories. It’s great.

JAMES: I'm going to need you to just breathe for me, like five big in and outs, because breathing helps a lot I've found.

JAMES: You've got every right to be pissed off, I think when it comes to you and Hunter, there's just going to be no getting a long and people are like that. No one is going to get along with everyone they meet, especially when there's been rifts between them in the past. You have every right to feel what you feel, and to speak about how you feel and I know that's hard for you. I know because we've been through the whole trying to get emotions out and it being hard. Your feelings, thoughts and emotions are valid and valued by the right people. They're not stories, they're real and you can't help the way you feel. I've learned sometimes the best thing to do is walk away, because would you rather keep walking along a path that you could see was going to get you hurt, or turn around, go back the way you came and avoid that pain?

JAMES: Where are you right now, I'm going to come and hold you because I want to and I feel like you need it. I'm here for you. Always.

[askremyrochefort]

That’s something. I don’t mind sharing some of my music with you. I’ve got more than punk under my belt too. I already mentioned Nirvana, which is more grunge than punk. And a few others that were sibling-genres to punk. I wouldn’t mind if you shared some of your music with me too. You’re pretty good when it comes to reading me, I think you’d know with or without the smile. I’m looking forward to seeing what you try to fill out that list with.

[jamesashcroft-blog1]

Then I want you to share it, I mean I share my art with you and that’s something I’m passionate about, you’re passionate about music so I want to learn more. I want you share all your wisdom with me so I too can be knowledgeable on both guns and roses. It’ll probably put you in a funk, because Hozier is a genius, they’re my favorite band, but their stuff is a little melancholy. I like to think I’ve gotten better at it over time, so you’re right there, unless it was you sending me a death glare, then I’d be trying to figure out what I had done wrong. Trust me, number one is big, huge even. 

[militaryboundhunt]

Suuuuuuuuure. Leeeeearned. Whatever mystery bullshit they’re running here. At least they keep the expensive scotch on the top shelf. 

And I do love him for it. Pretty sure we all would have starved if he wasn’t around to keep us well feed and souped up. Well at least you’re back to eating normal, regular food. As well as you know-..not feeling like shit. 

[jamesashcroft-blog1]

Well, it’s either learned or tired of getting called out for it. Fuck no, it means us who are more vertically challenged than others unable to reach the good stuff. That’s height-ist. 

Of course, he keeps me fed for the majority of the time, plus his food is fucking incredible. I don’t know what I’m going to do when we’re let out of here and I’ll be without it. Semi normal, still on the toast train, I level up’d to noodles this afternoon. And yeah, I wasn’t a big fan of feeling like shit, especially since I turn into more of a whiny, dramatic, bitch then normal when I’m ill.

[askremyrochefort]

Bad Reputation, which led to Do You Wanna Touch?, which led to I Hate Myself For Lovin’ You– I could go on and on and on. I fucking love punk rock music. I’ve drowned in so much of the Ramones, Nirvana, Sonic Youth, The Sledge Grits Band, Billy Idol, Hole, Generation X, Joan Jett, The Pretty Reckless, Halestorm, Bon Jovi, Sex Pistols and whatever else I can think of that I feel a little bit like I slipped into the movie SLC Punk. If you want to hang out during rehearsals, I’d like that. I’d probably secretly think all those little things were cute as fuck.

[jamesashcroft-blog1]

I know two of those songs, so I’m going to give myself some brownie points for that. I’ve also heard most of those bands, so I’m just going to continue to add some more points to what I had above, I’m more of an Indie music man myself, but I do love some Bon Jovi here and there. Maybe you give me a Punk-ucation. Improve my music taste, because it’s pretty lack luster in genres right now. I’m feeling more mobile now the plague is leaving, so yeah, I’d like that. Please, you say secretly, the smile on your face would give it away. Top ten ways to make Jude Anderson break character, I’m working on that list right now. 

[militaryboundhunt]

So not what I meant- And I’m not touching that knees comment with a ten feet pole. Whatever bottle strikes my fancy actually. Who knew the bar was so well stocked? 

Levi and his Mama bear care is quite the magical thing. Let me guess, you almost drowned in soup? 

[jamesashcroft-blog1]

Smart man, you’ve learned. They obviously want us to make more fools of ourselves then we already have with supplying us with a whole lot of substances that’ll make us forget what we did the next morning. 

It is, you’ve got to love him for it. I’ll be sure to repay him in many hugs. Pretty much, from both him and Cameron feeding me it, I’m not sure I want to see soup again. 

[militaryboundhunt]

A. Your boyfriend would bore a hole though the very solid walls if you did. and B. that’s assuming I have a negative association with doing shots. As it stands, there’s no shit I’m dealing with. 

How are you? 

[jamesashcroft-blog1]

Oh yeah, because e pouring you a drink is the equivalent of getting on my knees for you. I totally see the connection there. So you doing shots of Whiskey? Bourbon? Is just for kicks?

Recovering. I finally feel like I’m not about to die, so that’s something positive, I should be saying thanks to Levi and his Mama Bear care.

[askremyrochefort]

That could be it. Playing guitar for the group has been wicked awesome. I’m having a great fucking time with it. It could also be the music I’ve been listening to all day. Joan Jett could make anyone want to start a band.

[jamesashcroft-blog1]

I really need to come and watch rehearsals and be that groupie that woo’s and points to you and wears an obnoxious t-shirt. You know, the one with your face on and is like I heart Jude, and I’m sleeping with the band. And it’ll either motivate you, or make you want to throw your shoe at me. Bad Reputation, right? If I got that right then I’m fist pumping, because I’m learning. 

[jamesashcroft-blog1]

[militaryboundhunt]

[jamesashcroft-blog1]

I feel like I should be the bartender, sending you shots down the bar and asking you about your troubles. Unless the shots are for fun and not for dealing with shit.