sheepfilms
Xuebing Du
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YOU ARE THE REASON
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$LAYYYTER
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@jamescook-xx
Hello, sir, this is Cook.
Why the bloody hell are you ringing me? Cut it out. If this is some sort of plan -I am not going anywhere near your tiny cock, Cook.
Since you are once again bullying my cock, I'm betting this is Karen, not my boss.
And this is not a plan. If I were trying to bed you, I wouldn't have said I was sick, now would I?
She told me it was gonna be free.
Me? Shaggin’?
I know we’ve been friends for a long, long, fuckin’ long ass time but err, I’m not really into my cock as much as you are, lad.
I’m touched, though.
Pffft. Words, Freddeh, mate. Words and words are lies, excuses. We both know you're a frequent customer to that brothel as well, brother. The girls there have been telling me about this tall guy with a really little widdler. Who else would that be if not you?
But I'll indulge ya. What isn't free, then?
Hello, sir, this is Cook.
No, you can’t do that, I’m sure my sister would find a way to bring you back to life and then kill you herself if that were to happen. Your phone might be cursed or your brain isn’t working since you have the flu.
Whoa, how did Effy suddenly get pulled into this conversation, mate?
My brain isn't working...I don't quite like the sound of that. I'll go with the cursed phone. That sounds better than having a non-working brain, don't ya think?
Hello, sir, this is Cook.
Better than not figuring it out at all.
You’re sick? How the hell did you manage that? Have you thought about the possibility of having the wrong number? Fuck it, do you want me to go over there and tell them about your cold?
Nothing? But you said something.
Better late than never, innit?
Yeah. Dunno what I did to get this. I was being an especially good little boy, but I got the fluflu, Eff. Not fair. The flu fairy hates me. I've thought of that, yeah, especially since there's this one little number that I can't tell what. I was in a hurry when I was writing it down. I can't decipher it now. So I just tried all the number it can possibly be. And here we are, the third wrong call of the day.
I don't know, Eff. I don't wanna bother you or what. I can figure this out... I think...
I didn't say anything. I'm the sick one. I'm supposed to be the one being weird, Eff, not you.
Hello, sir, this is Cook.
Flu, huh?
Yeah, flu.
I've been like this for two days, Leigh. Why you not take care of me? I thought you loves me, babes?
Hello, sir, this is Cook.
Well don’t you have his secretary’s number? Works everytime.
Ouch, mate! Careful when you go to the bathroom and end up being there at the same time as him, because for what I’ve seen on his phone, dude’s got a lot of nudes.
He doesn't have a secretary. He owns a small doughnut house, not a huge company. He's been trying to convince me to be his secretary. But I've been very firm. I've said no a couple of times. He hasn't run out of incentives to offer me if I say yes.
I know. Trust me, I know. He was very proud in showing me, mate. It's creepy. And it's also scary how what you're joking about is actually real. Are you joking or do you really have his phone?
Hello, sir, this is Cook.
Sorry Cook, you got Tony, you called the wrong number mate.
Ugh. Tone, mate, can you get me a gun or a knife?
I'm just gonna kill myself now and get this curse of the wrong phone call over and done with. I swear my phone is cursed.
Hello, sir, this is Cook.
Hey Cook, sorry to hear that you’ve had the flu, you sound okay now…
oh and this isn’t your boss dude, you called the wrong number, it’d be Ross…
Ross? Oh, dammit. This is like, the fourth call I've got wrong, mate.
Thank you, man. But damn, I still feel horrible. Do I really sound okay? That won't do. My boss would end up not believing me. I should try to sound worse, whatcha think?
Hello, sir, this is Cook.
I am no one. So why does it matter.
You dialed my number and I have the right mind to track you down and taser your fucking ass, man. I have it waiting in a test tube, we’ll see if you get a buzz too, yeah? You told me your name, Cook, but I think you’re lying, you’re really Cole - why are you so stupid, you could of picked a better name.. I am not your Pheobe, leave me alone. We shall never be together, not in this life.
I didn't dial your number. I dialed my boss' number, and you decided you wanted to be on the other side of the phone call. Not my fault. I have no idea what you're talking about, babe. I don't know what you have on a test tube. Oi! Cook is a great name! What are ya talking about there? I don't even know you, why would we be together in any life?
You are seriously a scary, creepy woman, has anybody ever told you that?
Hello, sir, this is Cook.
I’m joking. Cook.
You’ve been calling different numbers all day? What was that again?
Yeah, well, I kinda figured that out about two seconds ago.
I was trying to call my boss because I'm supposed to tell him I can't go to work today 'cause I'm sick. Been sick for a while. And all these people suddenly decided to be on the other side of my phone call instead of my boss. So here I am. An hour after the start of my shift, and still haven't contacted my boss. I might be worse than I thought, fucking hell.
What? Nothing.
I am so over men, they all suck. …Where’s Marc?
Sorry, babe, I'm Cook, not Marc. But if Marc is somehow you're boyfriend or something, I wouldn't mind pretending to be him for a while if ya want.
Hello, sir, this is Cook.
I’m currently fucking him senseless.
You just dialed the wrong number, stupid.
What? I--I...huh?
Ohhhhh. Oh, shit. Not again. Phew. For a moment there, I thought you were serious.
She told me it was gonna be free.
Lying cow.
Just my luck, I reckon.
What, a bird from the brothel made ya pay for a shag after telling ya it's free? Tough luck, mate. Maybe you weren't good. Wouldn't be the first time, Fredster.
Hello, sir, this is Cook.
I don’t have a boyfriend, and I’m 18, no children for me my love. I don’t know what you’re talking about. You could drink my blood it’s that clean.
Cole! Cole! Cole! Meet me at the manor, alright?
Oh, wait, you're right. You can't be his girlfriend because, well, he's gay. And if you're really properly eighteen, you can't be his mum too. So, sister maybe? Or friend? Or daughter! You can be his daughter. You're as weird as him, no offense meant, sweetheart.
Why would I want to drink your blood? I'm no Edward Collin, or whatever that fucker's name is. And I'm not Cole. What the fuck are you talking about? Did I accidentally dial a mental institution or summat?
Hello, sir, this is Cook.
Are you sure he doesn’t have the same name as me, mate? Wait — how did you find it out? You should see all the crazy stuff he has on his phone, mate, your boss is a total perv.
Well, I don't have his number recorded, I just typed it straight into the address bar from the paper I wrote it on. I might have made a slight error in typing. Dammit.
Oi, I know now you're messing with me, mate. Shush! Although, he is a right perv. But I can bet ya you're thinking of a different perving than what he's actually perving on. Be careful what you're saying, darling, you might just end up in his phone too. Ohhh, my boss loves himself men with really tall hair. Yep.
Hello, sir, this is Cook.
EFFY?!
What the fuck are you doing there with my boss?!
Hello, sir, this is Cook.
This is EricWithTowerHair mate, you’ve called the wrong number
EricWithTowerHair! What are you doing on the other side of my phone? I swear I dialed the right one. Are you sure you are not the one holding hostage my boss' number, mate?
