The pain of remembering Gabriel so adamantly try to persuade Eleanor about James’ lackless love was in no comparison to the relief she felt when the man before her, the man she knew she loved denied any truth to those statements.
Relief blanketed her like the jacket that fell over her shoulders. If she could stay in this moment forever, in the confines of his car, with just James by her side she would. Even to this day, it was still he who’d protect her, deliver the truth, and care for her when he didn’t have to.
In that moment, as her voice was lost in her chest, Eleanor did what she only had the power to. Leaning over she took James into her arms: to express everything that words couldn’t.
She closed her eyes, wondering if her embrace could convey everything she was trying to find the strength to say.
Arms wrapped around him, she finally felt at peace. Home. The warmth that built in her caused by the memories where home was James. Even with time and distance forged between them, there was a bridge Lena would always have with James. A connection that no one would quite understand.
Two broken souls who managed to repair the other’s chipped heart and sorrowful spirits.
“I should’ve stayed.” Eleanor whispered against his skin. The woman hadn’t realized just how far removed from James’ life she’d become since their separation. She felt at fault for all the things that’s happened because of her departure.
“I shouldn’t have been so selfish. So scared.” She chided herself. Holding onto him for a beat longer, Eleanor slowly untangles herself from him. The sudden cold held her with familiarity.
“If I’d stayed, we could’ve been married by now.” Remembering the excitement of agreeing to his proposal. Recalling the days she’d dream of her white wedding dress as she walked down the aisle to see him there. “We could’ve had our own kids, a family.” She thinks about having mini versions of herself with the man; hoping they got his eyes. How much easier it would’ve been to have stayed.
“We wouldn’t be sitting away from the pouring rain, trying to remind the other that yeah I did love you.”
Unspoken words always left a heavy heart.
“Well actually… If we stayed in London we still might be sheltering ourselves from the rain.” She lets out a soft chuckle. “Thank you for telling me the truth. Not a doubt in my mind that what we had wasn’t real.” A hand placed on cheek as her thumb brushed the skin beneath, lighting a fire within.
“I’m sorry, James.” Eleanor allows herself to really look at the man she once called her own. Guilt are at her like a starving prisoner seeing food for the first time. “For leaving. For the heartache.”
“For the waiting six whole god damn years for me.” Shaking her head with amazement. The commitment. “You’ve no idea how many times I thought about what if I just stepped off the plane? Turn around and run back to you, to the life we shared so untainted and untouched by anyone else. Or how many times I was about to book a ticket to Heathrow, show up at your door step, like some Love Actually scene and tell you that to me you’re perfect.”
Vulnerability was never her cup of tea but she’d always share it with James if it meant keeping him in her life.
“I know it’s not worth to you now…” She parrots back to him, her heart pounding in her rib cage. “But more than I ever expressed, I loved you too.”
The truth came undone like a loose seam. A weight off her chest.
“Maybe not in the way I’m going to put on a wedding dress and head to city hall with you tonight.” Lena shudders as a crack of lightning lit the sky. “But in every aspect that I care about you. That I’ll walk down any road life leads you. I’d fight by your side in any ring. I’d stand with you and face anything that comes your way.” The admission came from wanting to do better by him now. To be the person she should’ve been when they were together. “You loved me when I couldn’t.”
“For that, James, I’ll always love you.”
James wasn’t a man who confessed his true feelings easily---at least, not the kind that made him vulnerable and weak to yet another heartbreak. But this was Lena. He’d given his whole heart to her and, for however long they lasted, he’d known it in his bones that she’d opened up to him completely as well. Hell, he’d spent a decade of his life thinking his vulnerability had scared her away eventually, and had convinced himself he’d accepted that truth. Except, it turned out this had never been her truth to begin with. The fact he knew this at last, along with his uncanny need to protect her from someone who seeked to harm and scar her, someone like Gabriel, drove him to open up his heart to her, once more, and let her know he’d never felt for anyone else what he’d felt for her. It seemed like a lifetime ago, but they were real. Through the good and the bad. He wouldn’t let anyone or anything take that away from them.
He watched as relief washed over her face. He’d been right---the bastard had managed to crawl under her skin. Her arms coming to wrap around him in a tight hug, along with the words following afterwards, let him know his confession hadn’t been in vein. She believed him. She truly did. His eyes closed as he returned the hug, his arms pulling her closer to his seat as he did so.
Even he was taken aback by the longing and sorrow that little phrase ignited in his chest. James breathed out slowly whilst burying his face in her wet locks that smelled of rain and strawberry shampoo. He remained silent as she reminisced what could’ve been for them, but never did. It was true; had she stayed, they would’ve been married by then. They would’ve made it work. Because they always did. If he wasn’t certain of that, he wouldn’t have popped the question in the first place.
He could allow himself one more admission that night. The words came out quietly, but held no malice or hatred. They echoed like a mere whisper that’d let her know he too believed they would’ve been happy.
After the words slipped past his lips, he pulled back from their embrace to seek her gaze. He could’ve said a million other things, but all he mastered was: “You’ve apologized already.” Heat ignited over his skin as she cupped his cheek and a hand wrapped around her wrist in comfort. “What’s done is done. We can’t go back. All we can do now is let the past where it belongs.”
Why did his heart jump when she told him she loved him still? And why did it twist when she admitted the way she loved him had somewhat changed? “Good. Something tells me I’m gonna need that.”
James Blackwell wasn’t big on confessions. But, when it came to her, he wore his heart and truth on his sleeve.
“We’re both here, after all this time. I’m not letting anyone torment it. I hope you won’t, either.”
His free hand reached down to gently take a hold of his. He brought their joined hands up and planted a kiss on the opposite of her palm. A kiss meant to show her how grateful he was for her. For having known her. For having her there. For having loved her so damn much.
“I should get you home before you get sick.”
