Jammie Bee Studios

Bee apart of the Jam

[jammiebeestudios]

#Life of a #Freelancer Part 47

#Procrastination Procrastination, is the killer of all creative minds and many others!!! This is a twit I read the a little while ago and it moved me to my core, for I am one whom Procrastinates! My self motivation only takes me so far, doing the things am doing at that moment is easy, whether it's editing a short film or filming for one, planing for one or making a iPad case with share cloth or writing my blog, writing my script or creating a new brand, a new output, a new venture. It all comes with ease, it's second nature, it's in my bones, my mind just explodes when I have an idea, I can't help but be this, this person, someone whom creates something from nothing! This all sounds great, it sounds like I've got it all planned out, I've found my path, I'm the kinda person that has it all figured out but the truth is .. It's far from it. I am great at doing things and using my creativity, I love to feel that I'm being proactive, productive and using my opportunities as they come. This is all well and true, but what's next?!! WHAT DO I DO WITH WHAT I HAVE???!! Making, doing, running, writing, filming, knitting doing all the things that makes my world go round is easy peasy ... then bam ... I hit ... a ... wall!!!! And no matter what I do, I can't get over it, I can't get under it, I'm stuck in my mind, a mental wall that makes everything just stop, which pulls me back, just like pressing pause on the play button. Everything get put off till tomorrow, till next week, oh in a few days but those days never comes. And when they do the moment is gone and you have to start again and the cycle starts again and again .... There is no resume button on opportunities. What is it that pulls me back? This is the question I'm afraid to answer, for the answer may rock my whole world, my whole being! Or it'll just put a jump start on my world and drive my stupidity from my mind and push me into a whole new way of looking at the world. Either way, both will change my world, for the better or not. Wow ... deep stuff! My state of mind in Feb/March 2017 To be continued ..

[jammiebeestudios]

#Life of a #Freelancer Part 47

#Procrastination

Procrastination, is the killer of all creative minds and many others!!!

This is a twit I read the a little while ago and it moved me to my core, for I am one whom Procrastinates! My self motivation only takes me so far, doing the things am doing at that moment is easy, whether it’s editing a short film or filming for one, planing for one or making a iPad case with share cloth or writing my blog, writing my script or creating a new brand, a new output, a new venture. It all comes with ease, it’s second nature, it’s in my bones, my mind just explodes when I have an idea, I can’t help but be this, this person, someone whom creates something from nothing!

This all sounds great, it sounds like I’ve got it all planned out, I’ve found my path, I’m the kinda person that has it all figured out but the truth is .. It’s far from it. I am great at doing things and using my creativity, I love to feel that I’m being proactive, productive and using my opportunities as they come. This is all well and true, but what’s next?!!

WHAT DO I DO WITH WHAT I HAVE???!!

Making, doing, running, writing, filming, knitting doing all the things that makes my world go round is easy peasy … then bam … I hit … a … wall!!!! And no matter what I do, I can’t get over it, I can’t get under it, I’m stuck in my mind, a mental wall that makes everything just stop, which pulls me back, just like pressing pause on the play button. Everything get put off till tomorrow, till next week, oh in a few days but those days never comes. And when they do the moment is gone and you have to start again and the cycle starts again and again …. There is no resume button on opportunities.

What is it that pulls me back? This is the question I’m afraid to answer, for the answer may rock my whole world, my whole being! Or it’ll just put a jump start on my world and drive my stupidity from my mind and push me into a whole new way of looking at the world. Either way, both will change my world, for the better or not.

Wow … deep stuff! My state of mind in Feb/March 2017

To be continued ..

[jammiebeestudios]

#Life of a #Freelancer Part 47

#Procrastination Procrastination, is the killer of all creative minds and many others!!! This is a twit I read the a little while ago and it moved me to my core, for I am one whom Procrastinates! My self motivation only takes me so far, doing the things am doing at that moment is easy, whether it's editing a short film or filming for one, planing for one or making a iPad case with share cloth or writing my blog, writing my script or creating a new brand, a new output, a new venture. It all comes with ease, it's second nature, it's in my bones, my mind just explodes when I have an idea, I can't help but be this, this person, someone whom creates something from nothing! This all sounds great, it sounds like I've got it all planned out, I've found my path, I'm the kinda person that has it all figured out but the truth is .. It's far from it. I am great at doing things and using my creativity, I love to feel that I'm being proactive, productive and using my opportunities as they come. This is all well and true, but what's next?!! WHAT DO I DO WITH WHAT I HAVE???!! Making, doing, running, writing, filming, knitting doing all the things that makes my world go round is easy peasy ... then bam ... I hit ... a ... wall!!!! And no matter what I do, I can't get over it, I can't get under it, I'm stuck in my mind, a mental wall that makes everything just stop, which pulls me back, just like pressing pause on the play button. Everything get put off till tomorrow, till next week, oh in a few days but those days never comes. And when they do the moment is gone and you have to start again and the cycle starts again and again .... There is no resume button on opportunities. What is it that pulls me back? This is the question I'm afraid to answer, for the answer may rock my whole world, my whole being! Or it'll just put a jump start on my world and drive my stupidity from my mind and push me into a whole new way of looking at the world. Either way, both will change my world, for the better or not. Wow ... deep stuff! My state of mind in Feb/March 2017 To be continued ..

[jammiebeestudios]

#Life of a #freelancer Part 46

PricPricing yourself out of a job! Working for the small games company was a challenge, as I have never had a full time job in my life, a little sad, but the truth. I have never had to work with the same people everyday, it was both amazing and a pain. After my three month trail at the company, the role turned into a freelance job. Mmmm, not ideal but it was what I was used to and it will give me my life back, as all I've done since working at the games company is, work, work, work!!! I love to work but not that much. Maybe this will be best. One thing may get in the way tho, how do I price my time??? AHHHHH!!!! I think I priced myself out, lesson learnt! Here's what happened. As I mentioned, after my three month trail ended I got my matching orders. Oh well, was what I thought, don't get me wrong, I was disappointed but such is life (This should be my life motto). But saying that, a few weeks later, I got a call from the community manager asking me back for a one off event and was asked to send my freelance rates. I thought fab, money! The job was roaming camera work at various locations in London. Very exciting and excitedly I quoted a price which I kind of knew might be a little to high, but I thought quote a little high, so I have room for negotiations. To my surprise no negotiations took place, I got the gig! I was being a little cheeky with my rates but you have to try otherwise you don't get anything in life. The only thing was in this instance I kind of knew their price restrictions (the top rate they are willing to pay), and went a little higher anyways. Although I got this job, I think I priced myself out of anymore further work with the company, as one of the managers joked about being able to afford my rates NEXT TIME!!! Oop, my bad!!! Here is what charged them, this is a freelance rate that I have given and got in previously jobs. I quoted £200 and I kinda knew they were looking to pay around £150. The reason I quoted £200 is cos this is the industry standard freelance rate (the lower end), but as this company was small and not in the position to pay proper freelance rates on a daily base, I should have known better and quoted lower. They payed this time, my fear now is they will get someone cheaper next time. AAAHHHHHH!!!!!! WHAT HAVE A DONE! Oh well, lesson learnt! Next time, I must judge the company's size and position in the industry before I give a quote. Mmmmm ..... I must play the game better next time or start something for myself To be continued ...

[jammiebeestudios]

#Life of a #Freelancer Part 45

Nervously yet fearlessly ... Ever been thrown into the deep end of the talent pool? If you haven't trust me it's not a great feeling but one experience you can learn from. The job at hand was sold to me in a quite a laid back manner, but my first two day was anything but laid back. I have never been ask of so much in such a little time. The two days were full of meetings and demands, deadlines and timetables, feeling under pressure, I hit the road running with all my fears and anxieties. The whole time I was working at the games company it was a big leaning curb, I was the lowest of the low in the small company, yet I was given big tasked to do and the end product was down to me, it had to be perfect! I had to teach myself Premier Pro cc using YouTube videos, I know editing and most editing programs are quite similar, the role was sold to me as a learning role but there was no one there to teach me as the creative director was on leave. Mmmmm .... Nevertheless I soldiered on, if you know a little about a subject, you can learn a lot from YouTube videos. YouTube can be a good teacher if you know what to look for and if you have the means to put it into actually motion. There is nothing worse than learning a new skill and then having no way of putting that skill into action. I alway say you learn better if you are put in a position where you have to learn, the fight or flight syndrome. Do you shy away, do you admit defeat before you try! I do always! But when your faced with failure in front a Community Manager, a Business Manager and CEO of the company, oh and the Creative Director when he shows up, you can't fail or be fearful, all easier said then done. My tips for looking like you know what you doing: 1. Always have a smile on your face, having a good facial expression gives the other person a sense that you are comfortable with the situation even if you not. 2. Take notes, this shows that you are paying attention and eager 3. If asked to do a task, always do it and do it as quickly as humanly impossible! Even if you have little time and not sure of the outcome. 4. Never say you can't!!! Even if you have no idea have to do something, always always say you can. And then you figure how to do it later. 5. Always remember, it's not personal. You are there to create something that fits the company's ideal and not your own. Tick their boxes. Follow these and you may live to tell the tail of your trials. I am on the other side and looking back after all the headaches and heart breaks, stress and sleepless night, I'll do it all again and I kind of did .... To continued ...

[jammiebeestudios]

Life of a Freelancer Part 44

The story Apply for a Job, get an interview, do the interview, it goes well, you get a follow up email after the interview, it feels amazing, and you think you got it in the bag ... But it falls though again. And then all you get is empty promise saying 'You'll be in touch' and you know they WILL NEVER BE IN TOUCH AGAIN, it's the way it goes and it SUCKS LIKE HELL! Having received hundreds of email of this nature, I was not hoping for much when my last interview went down the same way. But to my surprise, a month or so later, I got a call from the company offering me a job, a job I didn't even apply or interview for, a much much better job, actually ... it was my dream JOB!! June 2016 WHAT!!! How the hell did that happen? I had given up all hope for a job at this small games company. YES, you read right, A GAMES COMPANY!! WHAT!? One job fuelled two of my dreams, the childhood dream of working in a games company and the adult dream of being a videographer/editor. The child within and the adult me was going crazy, with fear and excitement. Fear of messing it up, what if I'm not all they want me to be, did I overstate my abilities, doubt fills my mind, fear of my dream becoming real sets in. Ain't it funny, you work towards your dream all your life and when you are set to get it, you fear it. Dreams feel like they are out of our reach, that's why we dream of them but this was my bus and I wasn't gonna miss it this time, I have enough of walking, my feet hurt. Being fearful never got anyone anything, and now I had nothing but my fear looking back at me. One has to trust that your skills got you the dream you dreamt of. Fearlessly (A cold sweat goes down my forehead), I set off to my first day, only to be thrown into the deep end of the talent pool. To be continued ...

[jammiebeestudios]

#Life of a #Freelancer Part 43

I like walking! Was the statement I made in my last blog, and boy do my feet carry me! After missing all my buses, I started walking and I walked right in the deep end Or more like dropped?!! April 2016 Feeling down and deflated, after I turned down a poorly paid job, I was left wondering if I made the right choose or have a chosen a path less lived? ...... This feeling was short lived tho, as few short weeks later a got a strange text message from a friend, saying if I knew of anyone whom may want to do an internship, expenses only?What .... ? My first thought was Nah!! Then I went to bed, I woke up I thought, hang on a minute I could do it! Why not? . I wasn't really doing anything, and I might learn a few things, I'm always up for that. I try not to make any decisions without sleeping on it first and it works out well, I think. One thing I have learnt along the the way, never close yourself off to opportunities to learn a new skill, in the world of Media Production you NEED to be on the ball with skills, as new software and new practices take over olds one very quickly and once this happen your old news. And you find yourself lagging behind, like an old buffing MacBook, never a good look. So the following week I went for an interview for the role. The interview itself went amazingly well, they seemed impressed with me, my CV and my experience. I had no actual experience on the job I was actually interviewing for, but I had lots of additional skills to bring to the role which made them sit up to full attention. They even sent a follow up email a few hours after the interview, which was weird and nice at the same time, it was looking really really good, the interviewer seemed very happy with my asks. I was told that I will find out whether I got the job or not by that Friday which was two days away. AND as promised I got an email from the company. To my disappointment the email read ' I don’t think that the Social Media internship, which is my prime concern at the moment, would be a good fit for you.' WHAT????!!! What hell happened? I thought I had it in the bag, I can't even get an internship, how far have a dropped! As all email of this nature, it always end with 'We will keep you details and we will get touch', BULL S***! ALL of these empty promises never ever ever EVER ..... Comes through. But turn of fate, this one was a little ...... different .... To be continued

[jammiebeestudios]

#Life of a #Freelancer Part 42

Trying to keep my head above deep water, just like everyone else. I never understood the notion of when you wait for a bus for ages, three come at once, just when you give up and walk away, you end up missing all three or just make the last one! Another thing, why does good and bad luck come in three? What is it about the number 3? Why we are all drawn to it? I say this cos the number 3 seems to be the number of the moment, Jan 2016. Once upon a time, seems like such a long time ago now, I had, what seemed to be a circle of contacts and projects surrounding me in every direction. I had my finger dripped in so many pies and then nothing. It seemed like everyone jumped away and I was left standing there with nothing to show for my troubles .... And then ... Three old contacts pop up at once! 1. Two or three years ago I worked as a cinematographer on a music video/documentary about cancer. The director finally finished the edit of the film, at last, I now await for the screening. 2. The other was one of the contacts I acquired while on this shoot, promising the world, as always. 3. AND three an old, let's say friend asked me out, expectedly, just to catch up ... Mmmm! All three contacts said they would be in touch and then ... Nothing! Total silence, they all came to me at once, one after another, seemed like I was getting back on track. I never chased they up on it, they were just gone. It's my fault, I should have chased them, just a little. Ahh well, I missed my buses ... but I'm sure they are on a circular route, so I'll have my chance with them again. So, I started waiting for the buses, again! 1. Well I wait, I decide to start a little business, of arts and crafts, I'm good with my hands so why not. We started brilliantly but business not doing so good, not selling much, Mmmm! 2. Just as I decide to start a business this with my friend, a job opportunity arises. But I mess it up, as always! How could I turn up 25 minutes late for a business meeting, much a bad impression, Oop missed another bus! 3. Then another job opportunity aries. After messing up my first job opportunity and my arts and crafts business not getting much business and missing my first three buses, I wasn't gonna let my last bus pass me by, it's my last chance. So I turned up for this business meeting 15 minutes early, wasn't hard the meeting place was a 5 minute walk away. The meeting went amazingly well, I even helped out at the fair event held at the location, I wanted to leave them with the best impression of me. And it worked! A few weeks later they offered me the job, I thought GREAT, AMAZING!!! I didn't miss my last bus! And then ... The question of pay came into the conversation and what they offered me was shameful for the amount of work that was needed. It wasn't even minimum wage!!! Shameless! So I decided to decline the job offer, there a first time for everything and this was a first for me. As a freelancer you need to know then to take a chance and when to walk away, so I walked, I like walking! To be continued ...

[jammiebeestudios]

#Life of a #Freelancer Part 41

Into practice ... Words are only words till put them into some sort of practice, dish out the best advice, say and do all the right things but words only mean something when put into action, by someone, anyone! I sit and wonder whether my words have any value? It's time, real life actions, real time! Dream jobs and dream opportunity come rare and most times people mess it up and lose it, which makes reaching out for another opportunity harder. I have done this time and time again, maybe using the advice I dished out will change my fate. Jan 15th 2016 Time to change, time to dress for the job, time to fit the requirements! What I learnt being mentored by Four Corners that you need to display your skills clearly (What the hell does that mean). This is what I understood from that, find the keys points in the job requirements, what seems to be the mean goal of the job and try to match your skills and experience to those key points, ie: for a job in a production assistant role, you need to to a team player, be able to do mundane tasks (Shopping, cleaning), maybe some basic research too And interest in TV/film. For the job I applied for at a small creative company, I had to also be a runner, be able to edit, help the director out on shoots, a knowledge with cameras, all skills I have. I've literally done all the above in one way or another! And I love doing it all, even the mundane ones, I just want to be apart of it, does that make me dumb, that I'll do anything just to be apart of something bigger than me!!!! I hope not, I still live in hope, as this is the only thing I have. It's been a month and I have heard nothing from that role I applied for. My own advice didn't work for me, hope you have had more luck using my tips. That's life I guess And the life of a freelancer! To be continued....

[jammiebeestudios]

#Life of a #Freelancer Part 40

Tailored to suit ... Ever wondered why you never get any replies back from employers after you send hundreds of emails with your CV attached? Well I do, always! It heartbreaking when you spend time sending cover notes and nothing comes back, you end up asking yourself, is it me? The answer is ... Yes it is you!!! Or in this case its me. Why do I say this, well ... I have been attending a mentoring/workshop course since July 2015. This is a free course for professional freelancers like myself struggling to get in the industry or find full-time stable work. This place is called Four Corners in east London and they are amazing, please look them up. Right back to my point, I was quite proud of myself when applying for work with my CV and cover note, I thought my CV was looking pretty good? After all, I based my cv on another persons cv whom works for ITV and this person has been very successful! Why wasn't my cv getting the same attention? I have done all the right things, or so I thought! Four Corners work alongside industry professionals, people whom work as directors, producers, editors and so on ... So they all know what they are talking about, if they give you advice you listen. During my first mentoring session I presented my cv thinking nothing need charging, boy was a wrong! My mentors took my cv apart, nether of them couldn't see any of my skills, it was far to dense and the language was all wrong. I had to explain every word I had written, which made us realise I had done far more, I was selling myself short. Now imagine an employer looking at this, not good! Keys points to keep in mind when composing your cv and cover note 1. Always always tailor your opening paragraph on your cv, for example if you are applying for a Floor Manger role at a company simply say you are looking for this type of job, sounds too simple and obvious, but is helps 2. Sell your skills in the opening paragraph, for example 'A multi-skilled individual with excellent communication skills. Experience in research, logistics, camera and editing, looking for work as a ....' 3. Don't have a cv that is too dense that you skills and strengths gets lost in translation 4. Have bullet points of your skills 5. Try to put your skills in sections, for example, if you have experience in logistics then make a bullet for this and put your skills in subsections under this 6. Try to make your cv to fit on two pages, but don't worry if you go over a little its not the end of the world, its more important to illustrate your experience 7. When writing you cover note, look closely to the key skill and experience the employer is looking for and try to fill their requirements with your experiences. One way you can help yourself in finding your skills and your hidden talent is by sitting down with a friend or someone you trust and show them you cv and discuss your work experience, talk about what you did, what happen, how is happen and you may find skills you never thought you had, I did and it opened up a whole new avenue. Thats all for now, love & peace To be continued....

[jammiebeestudios]

Life of a Freelancer Part 39

Nine months of waiting ... and now ... One must throw stones far and beyond the eye can see and hope ripples of hope and wonder come back. I threw a stone knowing that it'll may never amount to anything but I sent it out anyways and to my surprise nine months later a ripple was sent to my inbox. And no I'm not expecting a little bundle of joy, just a job please! Hehe Note to ALL always always always be the best, kindest, humblest, smiliest hard working self that you can be, be the person you will like to work with. Never be unapproachable or two faced nor put more importance on yourself than the task at hand, cause the media world is much much than you think, you are just one person away from someone you parted badly with. Everyone has their own links and paths cross and someone you may have been nasty to may just reappear in unexpected places! I had such an experience recently while working at Televisual Factual Festival Nov 2015, more on this later. Old contacts sometimes can make a surprise path for you, one that you should find for yourself, but this is why you have to make good impressions on everyone you meet in the media world, a good word from one person can open new opportunities or not depending on how you represented yourself. This is true for the role at the Televisual Factual Festival, an old contact gave me the contact details of the director of the festival, getting in front of the right person is hard, most of the the time you apply for a job it never gets to the person it needs to. This time a had a direct access to the director but it still took nine months for her to get back to me. To be fair, at the time I contacted her with my cv/email the festival was nine month in the making, she properly had made no plans for the event itself at that time. I was just way to excited and made contact way way to early, hehe! Hey what can I say, I love doing events! The event itself went amazingly well, I was more than just a event assistant, I was a photographer for the two day event. I felt like a was in my element, I was in charge of manning the mics, hosting in the theatre sessions and documenting the event in stills. I even got noticed by the director of Arri an international production company for my hard work. (Note to self, get in touch with him ASAP) I walked into the event and jumped in, it was going swimmingly well, until the networking event at the end of the first day! This is were the I found out how small the world of media is, this is where long forgotten contact made an unexpected reappearance. In previous blogs I have mentioned my mentor and how badly we parted, well she turned up and stunted the life out of me. First I took a step back, but I then thought to myself, had as much right to be there as her, why should I hide! So I didn't, I went up to them and put my best foot first and I played ... nice! And she played nice too ... saying all the exciting things she is up too and how the company has moved on, trying to make me feel like I was missing out! But I was OUT and nothing she said will make any difference, I'm an independent person now and thats how I will remain. Sometimes you have to take a deep breath in and not give people whom have wronged you a piece of your mind, sometimes saying nothing is nuff said, as you will come a cross people whom could effect your career without you knowing, so play nice in the media world but never forget who you are by trying to please others in the industry, I did but I'm back now and I will not be sucked in again. Do what it is you do and get noticed that way and not for being in the wrong situations, nuff said .... To be continued

[jammiebeestudios]

#Life of a #Freelancer Part 38

Mmmmm.... here we go again.... In my last post I mentioned that the Job Centre was on my case (as they are with anyone whom is on JSA), its depressing to be forced to do things you really don't want! It seems like the Job Centre and the SYSTEM don't really care what you really want to do as a career, all the system wants is you off their case load. The system has this new thing they are doing, you may have heard of it, its called mantertorary work placement!!! If you haven't well ... it basically means modern day slave labour, for a month or even up to six months! And you have no chose as to where you maybe placed, what kind of work you will do, they don't care about your previous work history, your skills, your needs or even what you have to offer the employer!!!? I went to the induction at this recruitment place called SeeTech and saw the state of play and decided to turn my back on the system that has kept me warm while I get back on my feet, but this warmth has kept held me back, I always knew I had something to fall back on! NO more now tho ..... I have only the open air to break my fall. Nuff said about the system, better off with out it! Somethings ones safety net must be taken away in order to allow unknown new place to make an appearance or in my case a long forgotten one .... To be Continued

[jammiebeestudios]

Life of a Freelancer Part 38

Mmmmm ..... sometimes you have to take a step back to move forward?!!! Sometimes you have to make a hard discussion in order to make a change in your life, but even when you make the hard chose you may still be grated by an closed door which will make you think why you even made the heartbreaking thoughts. As I may have mentioned in previous blogs, all my leads and open doors have ended on a ledge with nothing but the ground to be seen. I have been going round the square ledge only to end up at the same place. I feel the need to do jump, just to do something out of the ordinary, so I can have a good shake up! I like to believe that everything I do is leading somewhere better, an opportunity came up, it wasn't a better place but it was a new place, where new leads may open up to new places. This job opportunity was for the supermarket Iceland!!!? Yes, this is a massive step back, but I haven't worked in so many months and the Job Centre being on my back doesn't help it hinders, I need to get off JSA and live my life out of the system. This was a difficult discussion to make, one that was not fruitful! I went though all this heartache, put my pride aside and did what I thought was the right path to take, I thought I would do this for a little bit and then go back to my true path, but it wasn't to be. The ship sealed and I was back to the edge of the ledge again! So I made another discussion and it could be the defining moment of my whole career or the worst thing I have ever done ... Mmmmm.... here we go again.... To Be Continued

[jammiebeestudios]

Life of a #Freelancer Part 36

Heart full of shadows, shadows of former selfs! Former selfs, lost in a cloud of nothingness, where the f**k it set of ideals comes and goes, feeling strong and weak at the sometime. Can't focus, can't hold a clear thought, mind wonders, never settled, this is no way to live a life which holds such promise! Up rooting a mind from one goal to another feels like a an endless task, one that will never end! I'm not giving in, I will never say die, I will never move on from my insider self, those word will never be on my lips, everything has its breaking points and I feel its time to break or divert my focus on a new goal, something more regular, I say..... with a heavy heart. A regular life was one that I have never had before, I never wanted it, I believed I was meant for more, I still have this belief, deep inside my gut, being creative in its any form lays deep within my soul I can't move on with it, it will never ever be possible, I tear up while writing these words! I'm fighting my insists, to reject the regular life but its calling for me. In the above paragraph I said the words NEVER and CAN'T, like a lot, but my never has come to life and my feet are heading towards it and I have no choose but to follow them. I may need to life an regular life in order to live/find an extraordinary one! Using my experiences from this ordinary life to elevate me, to regenerate me, to open my eyes, to open up my heart again, to make me follow my own advice and then maybe the three O's practices in blog 12 will poke its head up again and say hello and enlighten my life. To Be Continued......

[jammiebeestudios]

Life of a Freelancer Part 35

F**k it therapy!!! A few weeks ago a friend told me about a book called 'F**k it Therapy! The title was a sweet reminder of my state of mind, long forgotten. I spent so long being afraid of my own destiny, I had adopted the a new way of thinking, F*UK it! Things that I thought I shouldn't, couldn't or wouldn't do, I thought to myself 'F**k it and did it and then something changed and I stopped thinking this way and I let people around me bring me down. But.... what will be, will be, always second guessing yourself is a one way ticket into a hole that gets deeper. I fell in, I fell hard and I found myself standing next to a person that enabled me to stay where I was, spent the best part of this year (2015) in that hole, not happy but sorry to say comfy and hating myself for feeling this way and hating everyone else too. Its my fault really, I lost sight of my goal, the goalposts seemed to get so small it was hardly there. I finally see my path again, I finally had my end goal, my dream was straight ahead. A window opened to a new opportunity (one of my three O's, 08.09.15) this is realtime, no more looking back, I'm done with that! I'm on tender hooks, always checking my phone for new emails, looking for a new lead, hoping, wishing, dying! THiS new objective of mine was so clear, my mind has no other focus (as always life has other plans, BUT...), I set my sights on this and guess what? I got my F**K IT state of mind BACK! This opportunity has my heart at the point of busting, its everything I have ever wanted, I feel like crying or jumping with joy or shouting out aloud and let everyone know that my dream is at the brink of being reality but I'm sitting on the edge of having my cake and eating it without an actually CAKE! My two O's Objective and Opportunity is now so highlighted that it is lighting up my whole being, all I can do it wait and wonder if I have done enough to deserve my dream, have I paid all my dues, I have put my all in, do I deserve my dream! All this and more play on my mind. But F**k IT! I'm done worrying about it, my heart breaks a little every time I do! Heres to another day To Be Continued......

[jammiebeestudios]

Life of a Freelancer Part 34

Time for reflexion, I've been away with the fairy's the last few months (I wish this was the case, but...), I can't believe I am on my 34th blog post 6 March 2015. I started writing this blog way back then and stopped after the first few lines, thoughts of others came and blinded me. I had no words, no sense of self, I started falling within myself, started to fright with everyone, started to doubt everything, everyone seemed to be pointing out all my short coming, (as if I didn't know them), sitting here wondering what happened to the year, its 2nd September 2015 and finally I feel like I'm waking up, ready to face the world again, yet the year of 2015 is almost done and gone! I thought it was time to look back on past posts and see how things have played out. I randomly picked a blog post, don't know why but my 12th blog entry was calling out on me, please read my Freelancer post 12. Reading this blog post, was strange, it felt like I was giving advice to myself, I wrote the 12th blog on 17 March 2013. Who was this person talking to me from the past, I wrote that blog for others, yet it felt like I was writing to myself, for me, two years ago. I don't know if anyone read that blog, it doesn't even matter if anyone has, doesn't even matter if it helped anyone, I hope it did! But it seems to be helping me, helping me to find that person again, the person I lost somehow along the way. I was in such a good place while writing that blog, giving advice to others, to follow my path, my practices and then I lose my way, its funny that I don't recognise myself, who was I and who am I now? Do I like myself now? Who have a become? My blog was quite different back then, I was giving advice and now its more about me, its personal now. I look outwards like a camera lens but I need to turn the lens within me and not out there, somewhere! As I was reading that blog, it made me smile, it reminded me of a person I have forgotten, I was amazed at that person, she seems to have the answers, I know she is in here somewhere! 'Every journey is different but one common factor I have find in many situations is not to stop, not to stop doing, not to stop trying, not to stop at all, because if you do, things just seem to stand still. If your continuous doing something, being productive, proactive, you feel like you can do anything......' quote blog post 12. The above statement made me sit up and pay attention, because I have stopped, I'm not productive or proactive and I do feel like I am standing still! The three O's have gone out of the window, Opportunity, Options, and Objective, I have none of them. The three O's has fallen away and been forgotten. My own advice has never meant so much to me before, I was such a happy bubbly person, now people ask me if I'm ok and I say 'I'm ok!' but I'm not ok! And back then everyone knew I was great! I need that back. Putting the three O's into practice is my new challenge, lets see if I remember how to use them! To Be Continued ....

[jammiebeestudios]

Life of a #Freelancer Part 33

ProMax UK Nov 2014, 13 hours full of boredom, stress, fun, networking, learning, crafting, chatting, humping and lumping, jeans ‘n’ trainers to suited and bootedness (BOOTEDNESS, not a real word, but its my word of the day), lets just was it was a experience working for Envy even tho it was only for 13 hours.

I got home that night feel empowered, I got the thing I wanted, to go back to Promax for the third year running and the reason for this was because I didnt give up and kept spec emailing Envy, nothing was going to stop me and I was there and it happened (Need to put this kind of effort in other areas, note to self). I got three possible contacts from the night, these were like gold dust.

I contacted two via email and by phone nether of them lead anywhere, oh well! But one was really promising, I emailed the company and we set a up meeting at the hospital clubs, members only club! Hehe.

Before our meeting (Feb 2015) the CEO of the company asked me to create a few samples/ideas/themes for the companies home page, so I sent a few hours doing so. The meeting went… well…. but…… all that enough lead to another dead end! She was the nicest person I have ever met, her company was small but glowing, shame there wasn’t any room for me.

Rebooting my mind into creating design again was surprisingly refreshing, I had forgotten how much I loved it. In some ways it felt like taking a step back, back to the beginning of everything, the beginnings of me and everything I am, without which none of my blogs would be possible, time to go back a few steps and see how things have developed.

To be continued….