My intelligence has always been a sore subject for me. I was told that I did not speak real words, only gibberish, until I was 4. I don’t know how much of that is exaggerated but growing up I didn’t know the difference. I felt stupid all the same.
I remember taking special ed classes because I had trouble reading and spelling. I tried to tell my parents that my eyes would get “tired” and jump all over the page. I was taken for glasses but I only had them for a few years. Not really sure why. I assume because we couldn’t afford to get me new ones every year so I went without. Either way it didn’t really help with my reading. I struggled to spell for years. But it wasn’t until I was an older child that my learning difficulties were used against me.
I started to get grounded because I didn’t have good grades. I was once grounded for 3 months until my next report card. No playing with friends. Just solitaire on the family PC. It was humiliating. When I was in middle school I my parents came up with a crule nick name for me to shame me. They used it casually at times but especially when I would make mistakes. I won’t share the exact name here but I will say it had the word “dumb” in it combined with a variation of my first name.
Another time I did not do well on an assignment I was sat down at the dinner table, given a very large book and told to turn the pages one at a time. Slow at first. Then mother started to yell to turn the pages faster. If I ripped a page when turning I was hit upside my head. Being told repeatedly to turn faster and faster but not rip the paged. Through tears I begged for it to stop. That I couldn’t do it without ripping the pages. Sobbing I looked at my mother for her to tell me that I would never amount to anything if I didn’t get better grades and the only way I would make money would be on my back. I was in grade school and told this. My. Daughter is in grade school now and I can’t imagine ever saying something like that to her. Sickening.
When I suggested to my mother that I might have ADHD in high school she was hesitant but still took me to get tested. When the results came back positive for ADHD I was immediately put on medication stimulants. I couldn’t tell you if they worked for me. I wasn’t on them longer than a month. When my next report card came out and I didn’t have any A’s I was pulled off cold turkey and accused of being a drug addict who faked the test. Shamed once again.
Eventually I struggled enough that I dropped out of high school after my 10th grade year. I did end up with my GED but my mother was horrified by it. I was told if I didn’t have a job or brought the cops to the house I would be kicked out. She said that I ruined my life and that I should have been able to do it anyways and I was just lazy. I took the easy way out. However the GED was not easy. I had to take around 5 tests that I studied so hard for. To suggest it was easy is bullshit.
Years later when I brought my now husband to meet my family and they started in almost immediately insulting me in front of him. I was a little embarrassed at the time. I was used to the hurtful words but thought it was normal and I was just “sensitive” like they always said I was. My mother leaned in to speak with my now husband asking him why he was with someone like me, that I was too stupid. He was appalled. He made an excuse to leave together early.
We walked out and when we were out of ear shot of them he told me he never wanted to see them again. I was embarrassed at first. Thinking I did something wrong. He continued and told me he could not believe how mean they were to me. Every single person used me as a punching bag while he was there, he said. He said when I would walk away it was worse. The things my parents and other family would say to him about me. Trying to embarrass me. Insulting my intelligence. I was dumbfounded. I had known I was easy to make fun of but I never noticed it was only me that was being bullied by them.
No one had ever pointed it out to me before. I knew it felt bad but I didn’t know how abusive it really was. It still took me another 8 years to cut off my family. I realize that the scars are still there. I’m very sensitive to my cognitive abilities. I realize now I am not stupid or any of the other insults they hurled at me. In fact the dark path I was on was because they got me to believe I was the things they called me. Once I was able to accept that while I do I have learning disabilities that make me a little slower than others, my understanding and abilities to problem solve are actually strong. I can retain information very well and when teaching others have learned how to break things down into easy to digest instructions.
I will always have little twinges of doubt. There’s no way to turn that off. It’s built into my consciousness deep down. But when I walk into a room I at least feel like I am equal now. I don’t normally walk into a space and feel unwelcome in regard to my intellect…spelling is still hard though.
THANK GOD FOR SPELL CHECK!
