Rainbow and Silver Lining

Welcome to my rabbit hole, now it's time to get lost in my world.

[janessairacarlos]

Goodbye, 2017.

Writing an open year-ender letter has been an annual ritual I’ve been doing for around 3 years now. To be honest, this time, I would rather write my reflection on a journal, wherein everything will stay between me and some papers. I don’t know what’s with this year or what’s with growing old that makes me crave for privacy, silence, and solemnity more than I ever did before. However, I am of no avail of a journal nor a pen at this moment, and so here I am, typing my sincere farewell to 2017.

I actually tried doing vlogmas this year and though I have accumulated a good number of footages, I just couldn’t find the time and inspiration to edit them. Just in case it won’t be up on my channel anytime soon, I just want to share what I talked about in one of the footages -- 3 things I am thankful for this 2017.

my university life - Not everyone is given the chance to study in his/her dream university for life doesn’t always turn out the way we plan or want it to. As a 4th year student with (hopefully) 1 semester remaining, I can start to look back on my university life being nothing but grateful that I spent it in UPD. It is while my stay in this university that I was pushed and molded to be the person I am today. I love who I’ve become and so I wouldn’t have it any other way. I can also look back on my university life and honestly say that I had the most fun with the people who have become really dear to me. For all these I am thankful.

uncertainties - Life after university can be daunting with all the hows, wheres and whats. Ever since the 1st semester of my 4th year in university started, I couldn’t help but think what’s in it after graduation every single day, at some point or another. The thought of finally getting a taste of what the real world is scares me to the core, and my excessive wandering about it just shows that it is a huge source of my anxiety. However, looking at it on a different perspective makes me realize that I should be thankful for them. All the uncertainties I have regarding my future motivates me to work harder at the present times. Because I am unsure of what will come, I try my best to equip myself. My uncertainties scared me but at the same time, it keeps on pushing me to do things out of my comfort zone. For all these I am thankful.

being able to celebrate the holidays - As I was waiting for Christmas to come on the 24th, I was suddenly reminded that not all people are able to celebrate the holidays for whatever reason they may have. I am lucky enough to feel blessed and grateful for everything that happened in 2017. I am fortunate enough to have a family and even friends to celebrate the holidays with. I am blessed enough to leave 2017 feeling contented, and to welcome 2018 with hopefulness and courage. For the past years, I may not have fully realized all these and be grateful for them but this year, for all these I am thankful.

I’m someone who believes in resolutions and so I already have a couple of things I want to work on this 2018. I am happy not only because I left 2017 contented with how my life turned out so far, but also because I somehow know in which direction I would like to stir my 2018 to. Here’s to chasing dreams, 2018. Never ever give up. There are no failures in life, only setbacks. 

[janessairacarlos]

[janessairacarlos]

   What then do I hope for? I hope to become a better person, not just for myself or my family, but someone better for the totality of humanity. This is something I never thought of wishing because I used to firmly believe in individuality and independence. Well, I still believe that a person must learn how to be stand in his/her own feet but now, I also believe that a person must understand when an action for others must be done when there’s a need to. This world is just too cruel and gruesome. To be kind, to let people hold a piece of your heart takes so much more courage than to be and stay jaded. I hope that people will find in themselves to respect differences as long as these do not cause harm, and to acknowledge that in the end and at our very core, we are all the same. I hope people will understand that there are more than one way to view a particular thing or situation. The way we see and understand things are shaped by our different backgrounds. With this, I hope we’ll learn how to make it more of a positive thing -- engaging in inclusive discourses not to put forward our self-interests. I hope people to stop boxing, stereotyping and making prejudices toward others. People are more than what we briefly see from them or what they portray on social media.

    I believe we can always dream of that perfect world in another life but I hope that we realize in us that we have the power to make this world that we have now a so much better place to live in.

[janessairacarlos]

It was I think 2 nights ago when I found myself flipping and turning on my bed around the clock. I never really had a hard time falling asleep or maybe, it is more of something rare because there are also a couple of nights during exam week when I couldn’t take off to dreamland right away. However, my semester already ended. There’s no way school is the reason for my eyes and brain to stay awake until past 4am.

  I presume all of us (as long as we are rational beings) have our own worries in life and for sure, the things we worry about vary from one person to another. Let me share with you some of the things that actually keep me on my toes. Most of the time, I wonder where life will lead me. What work will I end up doing? Will I be able to give my parents the life that I want them to have? Is it really worth the risk to be in a relationship or even to marry someday? These are heavy questions brought about by the uncertainty of life. On the other hand, I also “worry” about petty things like where should I buy my lunch (when I’m in school), or will the tickets to the concert that I want to go to get sold out quickly, or what I should wear for today. However, for the first time in my life, I started not to worry about all the aforementioned things. For the first time in my life, I wasn’t able to sleep not because I was nervous for a debate or speech or exam in school but because I was scared for my own and even my family’s life.

  I seriously don’t know if I’m just being neurotic these days but I never really thought that there will come a time when I would have to greatly fear for my life and safety. It was that night when I restlessly kept on refreshing my feed on Facebook and Twitter to keep myself updated with what’s happening with my countrymen while praying so hard that they will be safe. For the first time, I felt a different kind of heartbreak and it was so much more devastating. My mind started to list down all the things I take for granted: food, shelter, education, the protection God gives me whenever I’m out and even when I’m just at home, the freedom to meet with my friends and laugh about silly things, the luxury of pampering myself. All these things used no not really matter to me that much just because I believe that they are and should be “given”, but that’s not the case. For more and more people basic needs like shelter, food, water, protection or safety are now just a luxury. Freedom becomes a vague idea. I feel like some people settled with the idea that freedom and even peace cannot be really found in this world and so maybe it is better to find it in another life. I start to understand how powerful feeding and shaping someone with ideas and beliefs is, that doing so is capable of pushing a person to the extent of resorting to extremes just to stand for the inculcated ideas and beliefs, that these beliefs and ideas could stand above life and humanity. It was also then when I start to question, the resent and “hate” that I have towards some people who may have caused me some pain. I saw how small it is in the scale of “hate” other people can actually exhibit. I also start to question the virtue of courage and the price you have to pay for your own beliefs. We have always taught to admire and be inspired by the different heroes in our history and we at some point in our lives have written an essay or talked in front of our class about how these heroes influenced us. But when the time comes and when the situation calls for us to be the heroes of today, can we really do it? Would it be a great sin if we would just choose to play things safe?

  I have always feared about many things: spiders, insects, a failing grade, being stuck in life, my future, and many more. But this time, this kind of fear is different. It is a kind of fear which I believe each and every person in this world (regardless of color, belief, gender, etc.) should never have but it is already a kind of fear that crawled to most of our spines. What do we really need badly? If I say love, if I say peace, understanding, respect. Can we find a way to give it?

[janessairacarlos]

I have to say that this post took longer for it to finally go live just because I did not know how to lay the photos out. Nevertheless,  I am just so excited to talk about bombers. I am one of those who would choose fall over summer fashion any single day but then again, Philippines is not the best place to go all out in layering (and this saddens me more than you think). But to somehow give in to the guilty pleasure, jackets are definitely more forgiving considering the Manila weather. Bombers had gone so big this year, it was so hard not to buy at least one but then again I kinda went crazy and got more. Besides this olive green bomber, I will be showing my other favorite on a different blog post next week! Keep your eyes peeled!

[janessairacarlos]

August Favorites

Hi guys! Here are some of the products I loved for the month of August. How about yours? I would love to know about them. :) Makeup/Skincare: Laneige Two Ton...

I know it’s already the second week of September but better late than never! Here are my newly found favorites in the month of August! 

[janessairacarlos]

Life update:

1. I feel so pathetic how my set of photos has so little to do with the written content of this entry. I hope you guys will just go with it, thanks.

2.I am finally done with my NSTP classes (what a relief).

3. Since I have all the time in my hands, I am either in a mall, shopping and eating all my worries about the upcoming semester’s enlistment away or binge watching movies and tv shows that I have missed because of school.

4. There are actually days when I don’t find interest in watching anything because I’m starting to feel like cobwebs are slowly forming inside my brain, I pick up a book that I have purchased a few days ago -- The Girl on the Train. I am not yet that deep into the story to say if it’s actually a good book or not. I picked the book up because I am such a sucker for twisted psycho plots that are mind-blowing.

5. And because I have so much time to waste, I want to know if you guys would like to see “a day in my life” video from me? I’ve been having tons of fun snapchatting some of my days, so I thought why not make a full-blown video about the same thing. Let me know what you guys think, okay?

[janessairacarlos]

Nope, this post is not one of those posts that are reflective - in terms of content - unlike the past two or three posts that I published. And no, I did not cut my hair again. These photos are just filed under all the other overdue photos I have taken fairly a long time ago. Knowing me, I rarely publish anything on a Sunday night and on weekdays but I wanted to put something up so badly because I feel like I have been in a slump lately. Instead of having my two-month break from school, I decided to take NSTP classes just to make my brain believe that I am actually doing something. I technically am, more so physically than mentally. For my NSTP class, I started my volunteer work at Red Cross Quezon City just last week and I have been loving the environment there. I get to do a lot of office work every single day, unless there are emergencies like when people are needed to pack and give out relief goods for 550 families whose houses caught fire. So far, the only office work my friends and I are doing is encoding forms and my brain just feels so mechanical. So here I am, trying to do something “creative”.

PS. Here are two songs I’ve been loving this week

Never Gonna Die - Alt Version by Zara Larsson

Finals Song by MØ

[janessairacarlos]

Here’s an unpopular opinion that I have these days: social media is not that interesting anymore. 

I have always been one of those millennials who is just so immersed with what social media has to offer. I have to say, always being on your phone, shifting from one social media platform to the other, checking what’s trending, what’s hot and what’s now can give us a sense of involvement. Internet is a whole different world and to actually be involved in whatever’s going on in that world is fairly easy - you just need your healthy and active fingers, eyes and minds to scroll, type, read and digest whatever information you drench yourself into. Consequently, we entitle ourselves to a sense of fulfillment since we are always up to date and we always have a say on the different current issues surfacing the internet. However, sometimes and for some people, it gets too much, too overwhelming. I realized this when I took a month long break from most of my social media accounts - Twitter, Instagram, Snapchat and Tumblr but I had no choice but to continue checking my Facebook account during those times since most of the class announcements I had from the previous semester were posted through this platform. I decided to have an “internet detox” for the primary reason that I need to devote my time on finishing all the requirements I had for finals but to my surprise, I actually enjoyed the detachment I had from all the craziness that is on the internet. 

I realized how I am always pressured to have an Instagram-able or blog worthy life. Okay, you may think that I am too overacting but the truth is, I really did grew tired. I was tired of scouting for locations where to have shoots, I was tired of going to cafes or restaurants just because they look Instagram worthy, I was tired of constantly shopping for ensembles that are trendy just so I can post them on my blog because sometimes, I just want to go out with my family or friends, sometimes I just want to immerse myself on good food regardless if they are found in an artsy place or not, sometimes I just want to wear a tee and my trusty old jeans, sometimes I don’t want to worry myself on what time should I shoot, if the lighting is good, if I still look fresh enough, etc. Don’t get me wrong, I still love my blog the way I always did but this time I make it sure that I don’t pressure myself. If I feel like wearing simple pieces, pieces that, for me, are not that blog worthy then it should be okay. If I feel like passing up on sales just because I don’t feel like shopping at those times then it should be okay. My life shouldn’t be shaped as something that will interest others. It will just be a bonus if someone do think so. But my life should be shaped as something that I am comfortable with - something that does not make me feel like I am in a constant race for something.

PS. Sometimes, we do not or we are not able to recognize our need for something until we actually experience it. Try to disconnect and see how it makes you feel.

[janessairacarlos]

Jen goes to: The Mind Museum

Music: https://soundcloud.com/eemusic1/zenaware-prima

[janessairacarlos]

Take me to where the light is. The old Janessa would actually wait for someone to come in her way, someone who would drag her out of the rut that she’s in. She was aware that she was not much and that was why she needed someone to complete her, to save her, to make her worth something more. Patience is key after all, isn’t it? And so she would tell to whoever comes her way to take her to where the light is. Believing that that person would actually take her to where she has to be.

The older and more mature Janessa, however, is talking to herself when she is saying “take me to where the light is”. She still knows that she is not much yet and that keeps her motivated to actually help herself grow. There are so many things that could happen along the way but instead of seeing it as something that should scare her, she sees it more of an opportunity to make mistakes and to learn from them. Yes, patience is key but your patience should not be wasted in waiting for your knight in shining armor just because you are now a damsel in distress. Your patience should be used in yourself as you learn more of who you are and as you make the most of who you really are. You don’t have to wait for someone to take you there. You have to know your worth and know that you can take yourself there. Take yourself to where the light is and I swear, it feels so much better to know that it was mainly you who did it all.

[janessairacarlos]

In the Clear

Throwback to when my hair was longer and obviously, this post is way to overdue. Since my second semester of school started, I never had the time to sit down and to make a new entry. Talk about endless number of schoolworks. I have never been this excited to take a break, even if it is just a week long. I started catching up on my sleep (which feels so damn fulfilling), hitting the malls to check what’s hot and what’s new in my favorite boutiques and also, I finally got my hands on a couple of books I’ve been dying to read. I feel like I need to cram a month worth of resting and relaxing in just one week while not forgetting that I still have papers to finish and an exam to study for. But I am not complaining. I badly needed this break and one week is better than no break at all.

[janessairacarlos]

Chinese New Year 2016

music: https://soundcloud.com/the-bay/kling-morning

[janessairacarlos]

YEAR-ENDER

1. Own up to your emotions. If there is one thing I am really really good at it would have to be hiding what I really feel. I can be pissed at someone without them even knowing and maybe, it’s a good thing. A surge of emotion can kill our ability to rationalize things, to think properly, preventing us from seeing things clearly and from coming up with good decisions. But bottling what you really feel can be lethal too. In 2015, I learned that it is okay to feel things and it is okay to let the people involved and the people who are always around you to be aware of what you are feeling, regardless if it is a positive or a negative emotion. I believe that before you are able to heal yourself and move on in life, the first and most essential step is to acknowledge what you really feel.

2. Stop taking things for granted. I know how you guys think this is something that has been said so many times but this is also something we always forget to do maybe because life is doing such a great job in always keeping us busy. I have to admit that I have taken so many things for granted in the past years but in 2015, I started patching things up. I am starting to spend more time with my family and friends and I have never felt so good about my life up until now. Once we realize the importance of spending quality time with the important people in our lives and actually spending quality time with them, we start to actually feel how there are so many things we should be thankful for. Plus, the memories made with these people will forever be priceless. 

3. Change is not always bad. Change is what you choose it to be. I don’t know where does the idea of change being something bad come from. Personally, I had held this idea for so long to the point that I restricted myself from trying and experiencing new things in life. I thought to myself that I am already in a safe and comfortable place in my life, why change that for something unsure? Because of this, I never grew as a person. My life was nothing but merely a meaningless routine. Don’t get me wrong, I still love the warmth of assurance and I still value commitment like I always have but change is the only constant thing in Earth. So the next time life throws you a bucket of change, don’t run away. Again, it is something what you choose it to be so make it into something that will benefit you, that will help you grow.

4. There is nothing wrong in pampering yourself. 2015 was nothing but a year of self-pampering. The amount of money I have used to shop, to buy myself good food, to purchase tickets for movies, amusement parks and parties  is... Okay, I don’t even want to talk about it. But on a serious note, I don’t see anything wrong in doing all these because they have been my ways of rewarding myself after a stressful week at school or after getting a good grade. This is my way of loving myself and putting myself first.

5. Read. Read a lot. For the most part of my life, I can say that I love reading but there was a period when I stopped picking up books and would rather check Twitter, Instagram, Tumblr, YouTube and sites like Buzzfeed. There is nothing wrong in doing so and I would be a hypocrite if I say that I stopped checking my social medias. I am still addicted to them as much as I was before but now, I make it sure that I seriously read. My course has forced me to read tons and tons every single day with readings that are very hard to digest because of the language used. Firsthand readings of different philosophers made me appreciate books that can be read in a more relaxed way. This is my way of feeding my mind and soul. 

6. Start doing things you have always wanted to do but never got to. Life is too short to always stop yourself from doing things you have always wanted to do. They do not have to be something huge and revolutionary at first. Start making a list or even just a mental note and make sure that you get them done. Doing so should remind you that if there is a will, there is a way. As for me, I have always wanted to go to an amusement park and ride the craziest ride they have because the last time I went to one was actually nine years ago. Gladly, I can say that I can now check that off of my list.

7. Learn how to be at peace with yourself. I don’t know if this is as important for others as much as it is important for me. I am not sure if this is because I am an only child or not. I want to live a life wherein I am comfortable being alone, that being alone does not make me think that it is equated to being lonely. Also, I want to live my life not running away from myself, from who I truly am. Sure, there will always be times when voices will crowd my mind but I want to make sure that I will know how to deal with them, how to keep them from getting under my skin. I can’t say that there is one sure way in doing so but maybe knowing that you are doing things for and by yourself can greatly help.

8. Stop comparing yourself to others. I have to admit that this is difficult to do and this is definitely one thing I still have to work at. Most of the time, I still find myself getting jealous of other girls because I don’t have the perfect body, hair, skin, etc unlike them. Instead of wasting all of your time and energy being insecure, use those to better yourself. Comparing yourself to others will never get you to contentment even if you have everything someone could ever want. 

9. Happiness is a choice. And yet another cliché saying but hey, reminding myself got me out of a dark period in my life. I was in a slump for a couple of months, not wanting to do anything besides school work - well, this is only because I don’t want to flunk. I was deeply uninspired, unhappy. Then, I realized that happiness is a choice. I can either stay like that forever or I can find good in everything that I am doing and everything that I currently have in my life. Most people would say that “life does not allow them to be happy” and I used to think the same but you have the power to choose what you can feel and be so choose to be happy, always.

10. Just enjoy life. Wherever life will take you, just enjoy it. Enjoy the time you spend with your family and friends, enjoy the alone time you give yourself once in a while, enjoy achieving things in life, enjoy music, enjoy food, enjoy your room, your home and even the outside. But also learn how to loosen things up. Do not be too hard on yourself. It is okay to fail every once in a while and learn from your mistakes. Enjoy every bit of life because life is too short to be spent hating on it.

2015 taught me a ton of stuff and I cannot be more excited to see what 2016 brings. 

[janessairacarlos]

Honestly, I can't even remeber the last time I wore color. Little did I notice how I kept buying pieces which are either black, white, gray or dark blue. No other color can ever beat the elegance these shades and/or color convey. Not even the holidays can make me crave for bright shocking colors anymore. Even my mom would beg me to stop buying clothes that look like the only colors left on Earth are either black or white and because of this, I am forcing myself to venture out on muted colors which I surprisingly like so far. These pictures do not represent the festive and chubbier version of me for this post is long overdue. Anyway, Merry Chirstmas everyone and I hope you all are enjoying the holidays.

[janessairacarlos]

Toughened Up

This outfit makes me feel like I am the toughest and bad-est chick around. I honestly love how this look screams "try me and you'll regret it later”, maybe because I’ve always been known as the girl who never gets mad at anyone or anything, or if she does, she’s the kind of person who would rather let things go. Yeah, I am totally that girl but I am trying to change things up. I am starting to own my feelings. I am starting to believe that there is nothing wrong in being disappointed or frustrated or angry towards situations in life or even to other people. That’s how life really is, that is what it is to be human. Same goes to when happiness and positive things come my way. There is nothing wrong in living your life to the fullest. I think all I want is to be at peace with myself that no matter what emotions would come to overwhelm me, I will be able to still enjoy who I really am while living life.

Dressing up can can easily alter our mood and if you choose to wear ensembles that will make you feel like you are unstoppable then you do you, nothing and no one should stop you!

[janessairacarlos]

Halloween is just around the corner and while some of us are excited to go for a trick or treat, some of us, on the other hand, are more excited to dress ourselves in a way we can’t on normal days. But worry not because we can always incorporate halloween on our normal outfits.  So here’s my take on a halloween inspired outfit. Simple yet dark and haunting. 

Teenage, nowadays, frequently use the word “slay” - which is a slang for saying “you killed it” or something like that for being successful in doing something - and from there I thought that I want my halloween outfit to be just like it: slaying because I am dressed, to kill. (Okay, I hope you get the pun there)

Obviously, I have a really modern interpretation on how halloween outfits should be. Gone are the days of long frumpy layers of cloth just to get the vibe of creepiness for I choose to keep things sleek yet dark, of course taking into consideration that Fairmont Hotels and Resorts was my inspiration for this outfit, how they never fail in satisfying our cravings for something luxurious or grand. So if you want my opinion on how to dress up for halloween, here is what I’ll tell you. Keep it subtle but make it sure that your outfit is hauntingly or evocatively breathtaking. With the classy vibe Fairmont Hotels and Resorts give off, we do not want to be the typical witch with a broomstick and a pointy hat. We want to be glamorously eerie. It is barely a halloween outfit without you opting for dark tones and if you ask me, layering is the way to go because it adds to the mystery of how your ensemble reflects who you are trying to portray or who you really are.

For my outfit, I opted for a dark blue romper which I really love because of its detailing on the back. It is nearly backless with a touch of lace to still hold things together. Rompers are easy to wear, you don’t have to think hard what goes with what anymore because obviously, it is a straight up complete look. To add another layer, I grabbed my navy blue coat that gives a vibe of class which is intensified by the silver details it has. And lastly, to complete my look, I wore my black lace up flats to give a nice feminine touch.

So what’s your take on halloween outfits?