[lilttlekingtrashmouth]

Myself @ me: you need to wake up earlier so you don’t waste the day Me @ myself: sorry I was sleeping and just saw this lol wyd

[oraclesofnorway]

Your body is an incredibly bizarre machine.

“What you see is a myosin protein dragging an endorphin along a filament to the inner part of the brain’s parietal cortex which creates happiness. Happiness. You’re looking at happiness.”

[andrewbelami]

Look at her STRUT!!! She is dragging that endorphin for filth and using that filament as her runway, bitch.

[deactivatingrealsoon-deactivate]

6 inch heels…..she walked in the club like nobody’s business…..godam…..she murdered everybody and i was her witness

[toastbutteregg]

me at 13: *has acne*

somebody: don't worry it will go away

me at 20: when

[sandandglass]

[newblogwhosferninism-deactivate]

my kink is being right

[tkohl]

[anxietyproblem]

[zoctopode]

nobody was impressed with this cause they thought it was a photo so i spent like 50 hours painting it for nothing

[untitled-webcomic]

My mate @cacodactyl painted this, that’s right he painted it and it’s honestly so incredible so please go and show him some love cos he deserves it

[ghosttiddies]

YO LOOK AT THIS SHIT

[jackdaw-kraai]

Y’ALL.

[keiggy]

Are you the same person who drew the soap but no one realized it was a painting?

[zoctopode]

that would be @deathdaydream they’re very good go follow them

[deathdaydreamm]

HELLO??? what the fuck you’re so talented please show this person some love this is astounding

[mysharona1987]

[anxietyproblem]

[anxietyproblem]

[neonmanatee]

this one time I ran a red light on mistake and I didn’t notice it was red until it was too late so I just ran the light screeching like an angry pterodactyl the entire time

a cop was at the intersection so he pulled me over and when he came up to my window he was wheezing cause he was laughing so hard and he said

“ok so i know you ran a red light and that’s really bad and you should never do it again but i’m not gonna give you a ticket cause that was the funniest thing i’ve ever seen and my partner can’t get out of the car cause he’s laughing so hard he’s about to pee himself”

i forgot that i’d had my window open when i ran the red light and the cop told me that all he heard from my car was this really high-pitched “screeeeeeeeeeEEEEEEEAAAHHHHHHHHHhhhhhhhhhhhhhh”

and that’s how i got out of getting a ticket for running a red light

[studentlifeproblems]

[secondbeatsongs]

Visit Original Link

“Call Me Maybe” with every other beat removed

[pucket]

[transfemininomenon]

YOU’RE STUBBORN, JEANS STOLEN, NIGHT ROWING

THINK YOU’RE BABY?

[senshimeshi]

HEY AND YOU, AMAZING, BUT YOMBER, SO CLAYBE 

[quomododragon]

My students are up to something. They keep coming up to me and handing me pieces of fruit, and when I ask why, they just smile cryptically and say, “Don’t worry about it.”

[quomododragon]

Like, the apples I get. That’s a teacherly thing to give. But one of them just straight up handed me a grape.

[quomododragon]

I took a sick day today and sent an email to the first girl to hand me a piece of fruit, asking if I could have an explanation now.

Her response was to send me this meme:

That clarifies exactly nothing, thanks.

[quomododragon]

Walked into school today to an email from her saying: “There’s more to come, hope it doesn’t leave you *sour* (you’ll get that later).”

Ominous.

[quomododragon]

Just before my first class of the day, one of my students came floating in, a black cloak billowing behind her, hood pulled low over her eyes.

“An offering,” she said, handing me a plain white bag with a green ribbon.

Inside is this:

Life gave me a plastic lemon.

[quomododragon]

WE HAVE AN ANSWER!

Apparently this was the result of a number of my students playing Truth or Dare at a birthday party. I’m not sure which one of them came up with “I dare you to confuse Magistra by handing her a piece of fruit without explanation”, but I 100% approve of any thought process that ends with me getting free food.

[starsparklez]

That was wild until the finish.

[jumpingjacktrash]

this is the most wholesome prank. literally wholesome. full of vitamins and everything.

[bigeisamazing]

[seanp0donnell]

People:*laughing three blocks away from me*

Me:It’s me. They’re laughing at me…