Location: The Roxy, Los Angeles, CA
Date: January 21st, 2022
Time: Varies from 7pm-8pm
It’s the first show of many on a short, two month North American tour for the band, Fine Feel Fancy, and Zara’s the headliner. All the years playing in bars, at fairs, festivals, and like, finally pay off. Well that, and Zara’s done these guy’s a favor or two covering for their bassist when he went to rehab. Five separate occasions, but who’s counting? Certainly not Zara, who’s own sobriety has been quite the journey.
Tonight’s one of those nights she wishes her genetic makeup would allow for a whiskey on the rocks to calm her first show jitters. Unfortunately, she has to settle for tapping two pens against a table in the backstage Green Room. The guys of Fine Feel Fancy as well as Zara’s band mates are scattered about in various states of getting ready for the show, while Zara’s fiancé, Javier Silva, is sitting on the couch across from her.
He’s got his eyes set on her, hand over his lips, but she can tell he’s smiling at her. The other hand reaches out to rest on top of hers, taking one of the pens to tap it against her. It’s almost as if he can read her mind, because the next thing he does is say,
“You’re gonna be great, Zara.”
The pens in her hands previously used for drumming are replaced with her husband’s hands.
A lot’s changed in the last month. Zara Leigh Mayfield— Ahem, come April, Zara Leigh Silva, will be someone’s wife. Crazier things have happened, but this definitely is a surprising one. She never expected to be anyone’s wife, but then he came along and things changed.
Zara signs, playing with their hands out of nerves. “I’m less nervous to marry you, loser. What does that say?”
Javier hums, “probably that you care about this more than me.”
Zara gasps in surprise, holding a hand to her chest while the other leans over to smack him, and she laughs. “Fuck off!”
He laughs too, putting up his hands. “Kidding! You care about this, that’s why you’re nervous. But,” he pauses, leaning over to take one of her hands in his again, caressing and kissing her skin before continuing.
“You’re also very, very talented, and have done this a ton of times. All have gone pretty damn well, from where I’m sitting. This will be no different.”
The smile on Zara’s face only manages to grow as she looks down to cover it up. Sometimes she feels like a too happy idiot around him…After a minute she gets up from where she’s sitting to mosey on over to Javier.
She plops down into his laps, arms wrapping around his neck, fingers through his hair.
“Say it again,” she mutters as she leans in close to his lips, brushing hers against his.
Definitely less surprising than their wedding is that Zara managed to talk Javier into coming along on this tour. Something about, ‘extending their engagement,’ and, ‘you can work from home, or anywhere, actually. I’ll make it worth your while.’ The speech somehow does the trick, though it probably doesn’t hurt Zara tells him during one of her world famous shoulder rubs. Maybe her hands do the trick more than the talking…either way, they’ve been inseparable since the proposal, and haven’t really left each other since.
Planning it is taking up a large chunks of Zara’s time, and then when it finally happens in April, their honeymoon will come right after. It’s a miracle she has time to do anything else…Almost a month in Europe; the perfect wedding gift, from an uninvited guest…Too perfect, and Zara’s been suspicious of the gift received from her grandfather via snail mail since its arrival. It didn’t suddenly burst into flames or electrocute them when they opened it, so she took that as a sign of good faith…Not that he, or most of Zara’s family for that matter, has been invited to their wedding to begin with.
A long time ago, Zara came to realize the only family she really needed was right in front of her, with Javier and his family. They were her family too. Hell, Ricardo is practically her brother, if not her best friend. Don’t tell June or Shadia that, though.
Javier leans back a little to look at his wife, reaching up to brush long, dark, loose strands of hair from Zara’s face. When he does this, his thumb brushes against her cheek, and neck, and Zara tilts so their eyes meet.
“You’re very talented, and have done this a ton of times,” he repeats softly, leaning up to kiss her.
Zara stops him halfway though, hand to his chest as she says, “nah, nah…Now say it in Spanish. Then you get your kiss.”
There’s a twitch on Javier’s lips as he tenses up under her, obviously taken aback by her sudden protest to kiss him, but turned on by the challenge. Of course he takes it; Javier is never one to back down from one of those.
With his hand still tucked behind her ear, cupping her hair against the nape of her neck, Javier tilts Zara’s head upwards as he says what he just said again, only this time, in Spanish, as asked.
“Eres muy talentoso y lo has hecho muchas veces.”
Finally, Zara leans in and closes the distance between them when lips collide with lips. Luckily by now the band is used to them making out in the corner while they busy themselves doing other things. And besides, they just got married, for fuck’s sake!
When they finally pull away, someone’s tapping on the green room door to tell them it’s time for Zara to go on. As Zara stands to follow the tech, she squeezes her husband's hand and takes a deep breath in. However, before she even takes a step, Javier smacks her butt, surprising the headliner. Zara’s eyes widen, and she turns back to him with a toothy grin.
“Jeez!”
“Break a leg, Amor. I’ll be right up front watching.”
Fuck, she loves this man. More than he’ll ever really know, or that she knows how to express. Even being in her bundle nerves, Zara can come out of it long enough to see it’s this man she’s married that helps pull her out of the dark rain cloud she so often stands under. It’s easy to go back to, but harder to stay with something pulling you back.
“Te amo.” She blows a kiss to him before leaving with the tech, rolling her eyes but smiling when he reaches out to catch it. What an idiot…her fucking sexy, handsome, talented, creatively, smart idiot. Her fiancée.
.
.
.
AFTER ZARA’S PERFORMANCE…
It feels like her heart is pounding out of her chest. A whole set. She sang and played a whole set of her own songs in front of a live audience of over 400 people; almost 500 if the show sold out, which it nearly did.
When the lead guitarist hits the last note from her song, Caught Up In Your Jacket, Zara’s grip on the microphone tightens, and she takes that moment to catch her breath. The room erupts with yells, screams, and clapping in favor of her music; all of which nearly take her out again, but Zara can’t help but laugh.
She leans in close, clearing her throat to speak to the crowd; or specifically her husband, who’s standing front and center in the first row of people. It’s hard not to focus on him as she speaks. “Thank you to everyone who came out to see us tonight, and to everyone who’s been there to support before all this. Again my name is Zara; that’s with a hard, “Z,” folks, and you can find me streaming any and everywhere okay, don’t be shy, and download! This is my first live performance on tour, so I’ll hold this one very near and dear to my me and remember it forever,”
There’s a pause while the crowd cheers before she goes on. “I’m about to get married,” more hollering; “and I brought my fiancé with me on tour. He’s been…by far the most supportive person in my life with my music, so I of course have to shout him out tonight; I love you, baby.” Zara blows a kiss in Javier’s direction; and again he reaches up like a silly idiot to catch it and put it to his chest.
Chuckling into the mic and shaking her head, Zara winks at him before finishing her ending speech to the crowd. “Now who’s ready for some Feel Fine Fancy?” And with that, the crowd goes wild.
Hopping off stage into the back is a surreal feeling; and even with her band chattering and congratulating her and each other on a great performance, Zara can’t quite register her surroundings. It’s all white noise over the sound of her own beating heart. Had it actually gone as well as she thought it had? The band seems to think so.
Zara’s lead guitarist, Solo, slaps a hand on her shoulder and gives it a wiggle. “Zara, baby, that was great! What the fuck, I can’t believe we sounded as good as we did; that last bit? Epic,” they insist before turning to their drummer, Miles, and keyboardist, Gemma.
They’re buzzing as well, groping hands together and jumping up and down like school children. Zara would do the same if she didn’t feel as though she may throw up. Actually, maybe she’s going to…for a moment, she nearly does, as all the blood rushes to her head and she starts wobbling.
Then suddenly Javier is there by her side backstage, holding her shoulders for support and brushing some sweat stained hair out of her face. “Hey, hey…you okay? You look in a bit of a daze, Amor.”
“Was it good?” Zara blurts out suddenly, surprising the both of them. Javier chuckles and shakes his head for a moment, then nods.
“Zara, it was incredible, you sounded great. I mean, the crowd just kept going; people were even singing along out there! Amor, I swear, everyone loved you; they couldn’t get enough, and now I can barely hear anything,” he muses on with a chuckle, rubbing circles into her shoulders as he leans forward to kiss her.
Well, that gets her out of whatever trace-like state she’s previously been in. Now her lips are responding to his, and her hands wrap around the collar of his shirt as she leans forward into their kiss.
“I’m on fucking fire, baby,” she muses after they break apart from their kiss, and Javier can’t help but laugh at his fiancé.
“Oh, blazing,” he muses back, leaning back to fan her off.
Zara rolls her eyes, but does lick her index finger before sticking it to her ass, and making a sizzling sound. Blazing hot, she’s so on fire. Huh…maybe that’s another song in the making. Eh, she puts it away in her brain for later. Right now, she wants to celebrate a job well done with her favorite person in the world, her fiancé.
Reaching out for him again, Zara leans against Javier as her arms wrap around his neck. “I want pizza and ice cream. We’re definitely getting pizza and ice cream after this, right?”
Javier snorts and wraps his arms around Zara’s torso, looking down at her as if she’s got a third eye on her forehead. “As if I wouldn’t feed my fiancé a feast of ice cream and pizza after her first live show on tour…” he clicks his tongue. “Who do you think I am?”
She raises an eyebrow, “surprisingly, you’re my fiancée.”
“Surprisingly?”
“Very surprisingly.”
“I agree,” he teases, leaning down to nudge her nose with his.
“You’re stupid,” Zara chuckles, catching his bottom lip with her teeth. Of course he responds by capturing her lips with his, kissing her until she lets go of him and kisses him back.
“But you said you’d marry me, stupid or not.” He points out once they break for air.
“That’s true, I did, didn’t I? And aren’t you lucky?” She tells him.
“Awfully,” he replies, leaning forward to kiss her again.
God, what an idiot. A loving, sarcastic, smart, creatively, talented romantic idiot, who also happens to be the love of her life, and her fiancé. And honestly? She wouldn’t want it any other way. Or to share this moment with anyone else. It’s perfect with him because he’s her person. Her family.
Zara and Javier are engaged now, and it feels almost surreal. Zara Mayfield will be no more. It'll be Zara Silva in a few months, which she happens to like a helluva lot better... It's crazy how much time has flown by, and so much has happened in their three years together. Lots of ups and downs, ebbs and flows, as relationships have. Through it all, though, they’ve grown closer together, rather than farther apart. This shows on a night like tonight, when Javier decides to surprise Zara with a reservation to their favorite pasta place, Carlo’s, to celebrate Zara’s recent success. A North American Tour with the popular Boston based band, Fine Feel Fancy. It’s the first of many, she hopes, and it’s a big fucking deal in her book. Not only will this be her first tour, but it’ll be her first time preforming her new EP, A Brand New Flavor. Javier knows what a big deal this is to her, so maybe it shouldn’t come as a surprise to her that he’d want to take her out to celebrate. And besides, Carlo’s has the best four cheese lasagna, garlic bread, and red wine sangria Zara’s ever had the pleasure of stuffing her face with. They also happen to have amazing live music and dancing whenever they go, so of course Jav is gonna take her there. It’s a win win situation.
“Well aren’t you ever the gentleman I signed up to marry? Or do you just wanna see me out of this coat, and in this dress?” Zara teases when Javier reaches over to help her with her coat. Together, they shrug off the classic Zara armor leather jacket, to reveal a much softer interior. Tonight, Zara is on a mission to score after dinner, as she has on a stunning black v-neck see-through sequin gown with a smaller black slip ending at her knees beneath. The sleeves stop just above Zara’s elbow, and there’s a bit of lace lining the v’d collar. The platform boots she wears underneath match as they shimmer with sparkly sequins, though these are a mixture of black and silver, forming the shape of stars. The tights she has also have this star pattern, which can be seen through the slits on either side of her dress when she sits in the chair Javier pulls out for her. Just before he moves to sit down across from her, Zara steals a quick kiss from her husband. “I keep forgetting why I can’t get any fucking work done lately, and then I’m reminded when you do things like this, and go on looking like that…how is anyone supposed to get anything done with you being all you, Javier Silva?” Zara jokes while settling in her seat. He also doesn’t have to go with her on this tour, but he’s doing that too. Who knows, maybe he’s got ulterior motives to keep spending quality time with his fiancée even before the wedding. “And leaving everything behind to come chase his fiancée on some tour across North America…what have you gotten yourself into now, hm?”
Life outside The Grid had become much more interesting to experience in the last year. As real as the digital world was, as intense and thrilling as every sensation in there was, it wasn't reality. What Javier had out here in the real world was, and for once, he didn't need more. The pretense of appearing alright but craving for something more had vanished. His family was in a good place, with Nat and Ri forging their own paths forward. His professional life continued to thrive, as the webcomic he and Riley worked on continued to cement itself as a cult classic with a steady, strong following. His poetry continued to flourish, and he'd managed to balance his work at Atlas Publishing with his own personal projects. He was happy. He was truly happy, having found the woman —who for lack of a less clichéd term— was the love of his life. Javier wanted to spend his life with her. He wanted to be her family. And so the thought of marrying Zara was effortless and natural, the right course for them to follow together and become each other's home.
All that Zara was accomplishing was worth celebrating. She'd battled too much to get to where she was, and Javier continued to stand by her side to praise her hard work and undeniable talent. “You know, I won't confirm or deny that accusation,” the writer replied with a smirk, leaning down to kiss her shoulder after helping her out of her coat. Zara looked stunning, but when didn't she? He also had in mind another way of celebrating her success once they returned to their place, an idea he was sure she also shared. She stole a kiss in turn and Javier draped an arm around her for a moment, enjoying the closeness.
“Oh, it's my fault then? Who knew all it took was a Mexican dude to distract the great Zara Mayfield from her craft,” he joked as he took his seat across from her. “Sorry, Zara Silva,” he corrected himself with special emphasis, raising a finger. A playful grin spread across his lips then, and he looked at her the same way he did at that Halloween party years ago. Even now, he still looked at Zara with the same quiet attraction of two people who flirted like they were just getting to know each other. She still kept him on his toes like that. She still made him fall a little more each day. Her next words made him smile again, amused, endeared. Chasing her on her tour was a no-brainer, really. “I know, right? I really got into some trouble when I said I'd go anywhere with you,” he chuckled. Despite the humor in his voice, there was some undeniable truth. He reached for her hand across the table and brought it to his lips, kissing the inside of her wrist. “I can write anywhere. So wherever you go to succeed, I'll follow, amor”.
“Hey, Javi? Do you have minute.” Bailey waited outside his work knowing he’d be there like every other day. He was the easiest of the group to start a conversation with. Bailey trusted him and he’d been kind to her since the first day they’d meet. “I need to tell you something.” She took a step closer so no near by would over here. “It’s a Grid thing.”
@javier-silva
Javier walked out of the Atlas Publishing building. It was a classic red brick, little building in the Back Bay area, just a few blocks away from Turing, which made the back and forth between school and work fairly easy. “Hi, Bay,” he grinned at the sight of his friend, immediately going for a hug. His smile vanished as he pulled away and sensed the air of seriousness behind whatever it was thet Bailey wanted to tell him. God, The Grid... It had been quite a while since he last went in. He still recalled the Geists with a tremble down his spine, how difficult it had been to make a stand against them even with Sal and his Ouroboros by his side. “What is it? Did something happen?”.
“That’s what I’ve heard,” Sal said with a nod. If past sectors and past games he played were any indicator, whatever lied ahead after the Geists was likely something important. “Stay close,” he suggested as he stepped closer to Javier’s avatar. “Not sure if my shield will do much against them, but won’t hurt to try.” Before entering the Grid, Sal mentally went through each of his skills and tried to determine which would be most useful. If they found themselves on a steep icy hill, his grip would be helpful, and his shield might keep them from touching the Geists, but there was no guarantee either of those would work. Especially because the low temperature of the ice might make his grip ineffective.
And he highly doubted a Geist could be hypnotized.
“Which way do we even go?” he muttered, looking out at the horizon of freezing desolation.
Javier nodded, walking besides Sal. That shield of his had saved their asses more than a couple of times in the past and perhaps it would do so again at this level. “I don’t know if they’ll try to use each other’s voices to trick us, but in case they use mine against you, this is what it feels like when I push thoughts, alright?” he looked in Sal’s direction as he projected his thoughts into his friend’s mind. “Trust this. Don’t trust my voice if you actually hear it”. Perhaps the Geists would pluck some other voice from Sal’s subconscious once they encountered them, but this was a small safety measure, just in case. “And if all else fails, you have your Ouroboros”. Honestly, Javier was probably more grateful now than he’d been in any other level that Sal had tamed that beast. It had been a giant sandworm in the deserts of Beta and a massive sea serpent in Gamma. Who knew what it would become in this new sector, but whatever it was, it would be useful against their unseen foes. “Let’s just keep going ahead, I suppose”. It all looked the same whichever way he looked. Empty, frozen, and endless.
Sunday is our honesty hour day but instead of questions, today we’ll once again be doing the following meme from musesgonnamuse:
☕️: Do you prefer coffee or tea? Why?
🍵: Do you stick with your family’s values and beliefs? Why or why not?
🍶: Can you hold you liquor? How much can you take before you act drunk? How much before you pass out?
🍺: What are some traditions that you have? What do they mean to you?
🍸: Do you like your body? Do you wish to have a different skin tone, hair color, eye color, etc.? How come?
🍹: Dream vacation? What makes it so appealing to you?
🍷: Have you made any modifications to your body, such as plastic surgery, piercings, tattoos, etc.?
🍕: Are you a sports fanatic? If so, what kind?
🍔: Would you rather eat out or cook for yourself? If you were forced to eat out, what types of places would you go to?
🍟: Do you train, whether it be just working out or learning to control any abilities you have? Do you enjoy it? Is there something you do or enjoy doing afterwards?
🍗: Are your sleeping and eating patterns well-established or irregular? Do you wish to change that?
🍖: How much time do you spend with family and friends? Do you feel as if it is enough?
🍝: Is there a random thing that just reminds you of home or a pleasant memory? Do you understand why or do you see absolutely no correlation between it and the memory?
🍛: Do you open up to strangers easily? How long does it take to earn your trust? What does it take?
🍤: Do you believe that broken relationships can be mended? What is something that, to you, immediately breaks a relationship?
🍱: What is your thought on keeping pets? If you had to have one pet, which would you have?
🍣: Do you live a simple or fancy lifestyle? What is the underlying reason? Do you wish to change that?
🍥: Do you pay more attention to intricate details or the bigger picture? Or do you believe that you keep a balance of the two?
🍙: Do you practice a religion? If so, which one? For what reason do you practice it?
🍘: What does honor mean to you? Do you have honor? To what extent do you have it?
🍚: Is there such a thing as “too plain” to you? What is the embodiment of those words?
🍜: Do you like heat or cold more? What is something you find unappealing about the other one?
🍲: Are you patient? How far does your patience go? What is one thing that will tick you off no matter what?
🍢: Are you open to trying new things? Why or why not?
🍡: Have you ever met a person who changed you significantly? How did they change you? Did they open your eyes? Make you a better person?
🍳: Do you accept hospitality and help from others? Are you someone who will provide assistance? To whom?
🍞: How do you view your current life? Do you find it to be a fortunate or unfortunate situation? Is it plain, or does it have flavor?
🍩: Do you approve of your hometown’s law enforcement? How about your current home’s system? What makes you feel the way you do about it?
🍮: Traditional or Modern? What do you dislike about the other lifestyle?
🍦: How often do you treat yourself? What do you treat yourself to? A spa day, alcohol, etc.?
🍨: Do you stress eat? What (other) activities do you take part in to relieve stress?
🍧: Do you want children? If so, how many? Do you believe that to be complete, a woman must bear offspring?
🎂: Do you celebrate birthdays? Do you enjoy birthdays? How do you usually feel on your birthday?
🍰: Are some holidays overly mainstream? Which ones feel pointless and over-exaggerated?
🍪: Are there simple things that make you happy? What are some of them? Do they make you feel that way because of a connection to something? If so, what is that connection?
🍫: Do you have any guilty pleasures? Does the guilt in them come right away or slowly build up? Despite those feelings, are they worth it?
🍬: Do you have a sweet tooth? How often do you indulge in sweets?
🍭: Did you enjoy your childhood? Why or why not? What memory most influenced your current reflection?
🍯: Have you ever made a promise to someone or yourself that you couldn’t keep? How do you feel about it?
🍎: What, in your opinion, is your best quality? What do others say is your best quality? Do you agree with them?
🍏: What, in your opinion, is your worst quality? What do others say is your worst quality? Do you agree with them?
🍊: What do you look for in a leader? Can you describe an ideal leader?
🍋: What are qualities in a leader that you feel are not acceptable in the very least? Why do you believe this?
🍒: What is your sexual orientation? What is your romantic preference? If you have any, what are your turn ons? What about turn offs?
🍇: Are you a virgin? If so, do want to stay that way? If not, how did you lose your virginity?
🍉: Could you stay with the same person all your life? Do you feel comfortable with a commitment like that? Why or why not?
🍓: Do you give second chances? Are you comfortable with cutting all ties and bonds with people?
🍑: Is there a meaning behind your name? Do you like your name? Have you ever changed it?
🍈: What do you identify as in terms of gender? Are you male, female, genderfluid, genderqueer, agender, or non-binary? Do you identify with the gender you were assigned at birth? If not, what was the point when you found out that you weren’t cisgender?
🍌: Do you like playing pranks? Do you find them amusing? If someone were to play one on you, how would you feel?
🍐: Do you carry a lot of responsibility on your shoulders? Does it bother you?
🍍: Which do you find more appealing, beaches or mountains? What are your reasons behind your opinion?
🍠: Does everyone have the potential to be a great person? Why or why not? Is there prejudice in your society against a group of people for a reason they cannot control?
🍆: Does someone’s past define them? Can their mistakes be washed away completely, or will there always be significant damage? Does someone who’s committed a crime deserve a second chance?
🍅: What is something you absolutely hate? What caused you to hate it so much?
🌽: Do you love yourself fully as a person? Why or why not?
Please reblog this so the other members know you want to participate. Have fun!
Javier had been so out of the loop from everything regarding The Grid for quite a while, but after having caught with some of the texts sent to the chat group he’d learned that something had happened. Something about level 41. ‘Don’t go in alone’ was the recurring warning. Some of them had gone into the virtual reality on their own in the past, going through levels that were no small feat, so the fact that this new level of the Delta sector required a special warning definitely meant that something was very different and very dangerous about it.
Having to stick together to keep moving past the levels of The Grid seemed like the perfect reason to return after some months of absence. He had the time now that the semester was over and he had the willingness to have his friends’ backs in there. He went into level 40 with Elena so they could both unlock their avatar’s fourth skill a few days ago, and now he’d journeyed into the frozen wasteland that was the ominous first level of the Delta sector with Sal. “So these things will get into our heads, right?” he said with a sigh. He’d already been briefed about the Geists and, well... facing them didn’t sound pleasant at all. “This new skill might come in handy here” he mentioned, though hardly feeling like they might have the upper hand in any way. He’d been granted the skill to push thoughts into others, a power that might enable him to distract opponents. In this case, it might even help him communicating with Sal if the Geists happened to steal his voice to trick him. The Geist might emit actual sound while Javier’s real words would only sound in Sal’s mind.
“Fine, you know, it’s nice being done with school.” She said honestly, the constant need to please her Mother was always there but not as strongly any longer. Most because she found it hard to feel as strongly as she did about anything any more. “I’d happily take a coffee.” She said with a nod of her head. Javi reported his new Job and Bailey was glad to hear he was doing so well. She had no doubt he would, he was so talented and easy to be around. “Well the next coffee is on me then.” Thought it was good to talk about niceties there was something nagging at Bailey. She had to talk about it and Javi was the one who might understand. With a sigh Bailey brought up the subject she’d been stewing on for a few days. “Kishan’s sister was in town, she came and found me.”
Javier laughed a little. “Must be” he said in agreement. He still had a year left to go before finishing his graduate program at Turing. Funnily enough, he was in no rush to be done with it, though. He happened to enjoy his field of study deeply and besides, his student visa would end and he’d have to go back to Mexico. He was even in less of a rush of having to figure out what Zara and he would do then... The writer smiled when his friend agreed to get a coffee with him and they headed towards the academy’s café. “Alright, we have a deal” Javier nodded. It was a nice excuse to meet with Bailey again so they didn’t let so much time go by without seeing each other. He could see there was some contained emotion as Bailey told him Tara Ahuja had been in Boston and that they met. “I hope she’s been well” he said, since Kishan’s sister had been put through so much with the loss of her brother. “And how did that go?”.
What's something Javier is looking forward to most for the rest of spring?
“Zara and I have been looking to adopt a dog. We’ve been in contact with a local shelter and they have this nine-month-old dog they rescued a few days ago. We already met him and we both loved him” he said with a smile, content that they would bring that little guy home. “He had an infection in his right eye so they’re treating him because he’s lost his sight in that eye, but after that’s all done and he heals, Fermín is coming home with us”.
It’s easier said than done. In her head she knows this has been done to her, and that she can’t be at fault for being a victim of her father’s tirade. But in her heart…in her heart, she longs for normalcy in her relationship with her father. Could he even be called that anymore? Who’s father was he? Especially when the only time she ever heard from him was when he needed something. He always needed something. “He’s my dad, Javier,” Zara mutters, as if that means something. Perhaps by blood he is, but not by actions. “I can’t put him out on the street but I can’t…this can’t keep happening.” She knows what’s best is to cut the man off. But the thought of doing that right now causes her bottom lip to quiver. Having him somewhere, anywhere, just knowing he has something somehow gives her peace of mind. Yes, he stole from her, but she hopes he’s happy. She hopes he’s warm, wherever he is, and that his indulgence take him somewhere better than he is now. As someone who’s used drugs and alcohol to escape reality, Zara knows better than anyone her father’s addiction. Maybe that’s why she continuously lets him in. Maybe that’s why even though she knows she may get hurt, she lets it happen anyway. It’s in her blood. He’s her blood.
Zara sinks deeper into Javier’s chest; deeper and deeper until she feels like she can’t breathe. Loving her father feels a little like that. Like she’s constantly holding her breath, waiting for the release. Actually…maybe most of her life has felt like that. “I feel like all my life I’ve been making excuses for him. Everything’s always been about him, and I’ve always..” she trails off, having finally come up for air. “I’ve been trying to run away from my dad’s mistakes for a while now. I feel like I just keep making them, and my biggest fear is that I am him. And I…I don’t know if I’ve escaped that. Maybe I never will…“
Javier blinked a few times, silence stretching between them for a while. “I know” he said in a softer tone. Yes, that man was her dad... but dads weren’t supposed to screw over their daughters like this. “But you can’t let him sink you, amor”. He told her, cupping her face between both hands. Zara had a good heart, that was why she wanted to keep being there for her father despite his terrible track record with being a shitty parent. But wasn’t there some phrase about not burning yourself out to keep others warm? He didn’t want to see the woman he loved burn herself to nothing for a toxic relationship like the one her dad had poisoned between them...
He held his girlfriend close for as long as she needed to, keeping a protective arm around her waist and tenderly cradling her head towards him, softly burying his fingers through her hair. “You’re not him, Zara” he said to her as they pulled away a little and Javier could look at her in the eyes. “You are not”. He probably had never sounded so sure about anything in his life. “I know you like to come off as a cynic but you see good in people. You always have, even at their worst. And you are a genuinely good person, Zara. You’re loyal, you’re loving, you’re understanding” he told her before he pressed a gentle kiss to her forehead. “I’m madly in love with that heart of yours and I can tell you, you’re not like your father”. Yes, Zara had made mistakes in her life, but who hadn’t? And while she might have followed a similar path as her father at times, she certainly didn’t turn out the same way by any stretch of the imagination.
Sunday is our honesty hour day. If you want to participate please reblog this so the other members know they’re welcome to send you questions & confessions on or off anon. Have fun!
“Don’t do what?” She frowns, looking down at her tossed belongings rather than at Javier. “Tell the truth? Admit that I wanted so badly to think this time was different? So I let him into my life again thinking it would be?” Fuck. This had been the type of thing her mother taught them to avoid. For so many years, Zara ignored her and thought she was the one to blame. Maybe all along, she put faith in the wrong person…after all, he cheated. He walked away and didn’t fight back when his kids were taken away from him. Again Javier’s hand rests against her arm, urging her to look at him. It’s hard to face the truth, but he’s right. What her father did is a crime, and he can’t steal from her like this. Not again. Zara bites down on her bottom lip, eyes beginning to well up in tears when they finally meet Javier’s. Slowly she begins to nod in agreement, letting her body be pressed against his. “Okay,” she whispers against Javier, vision blurred as she sinks deeper into his chest. For a moment she’s stiff against him; anger and grief welling up inside her like a balloon ready to pop.
How does one process emotions like this? Zara never bothered to, she usually let them go. In the past, it’d been much easier to pretend it wasn’t happening. But now…now it’s impossible to ignore. After what feels like a significant amount of time has passed, she finally lets go. Not just of the breath she’s been holding in, but the grief, the anger, the confusion, and betrayal; all mixed together into one big released that felt as though the entire world had collapsed beneath them. “It isn’t fair,” she mutters into the fabric of Javier’s shirt, gripping him now as she buries her head deeper into his chest. “It shouldn’t have to be like this.”
“Blame yourself” he replied as he let out a breath, glancing down as well to see the mess of things her father had left behind. “Don’t blame yourself for your father’s actions, Zara” he said as he shook his head, so goddamn disappointed in the man who called himself her father, so fucking angry at the way he continued to tear apart the people in his family. Javier was familiar with Zara’s story by now, not only what the world knew because of some newspapers, but what his girlfriend had chosen to tell him... and every harmful thing that had happened in her family -that had happened to her- was in one way or another triggered by that man. It just pissed him off in a way that even felt foreign and unusual for him that such a man could continue to do damage to the woman he loved. There needed to be some distance between her and someone so fucking toxic... but Javier didn’t dare to bring that up right now. A conversation for another time.
He just held his girlfriend close, holding her tighter when he felt her sink into his embrace, when he felt the tension in her body give way to the shaking turmoil of emotions. “I know...” he said softly because honestly, what could he say? It was unfair and it was something shouldn’t have happened, and words weren’t going to fix that. All Javier could do was be there for her through this and try to help her deal with it all in a way that wouldn’t allow for the possibility of her father hurting her like this again.
It went without saying, but they both knew who tossed the place. Who else could it be? Who else knew where every important item would be; what everything’s worth? She supposes her old fashioned, worn in, acoustic guitar did the trick. He has good taste. What really stings is that he’s the one who bought her that guitar; on her tenth birthday. In a weird way, that guitar feels like a connection to her father and is-…was the only real connection she had with him. Now it’s gone, and he’s the one to blame. Him. But in her head, Zara begins to come up with excuses as to why it’s hers, or her mother’s, or anyone else’s fault but her father’s. That lie, however, could only reach so far.
Despite Javier having taught her a word here and there, and the classes she’d taken over the years, Zara still has no idea what words are coming out of her boyfriend’s lips from behind. It doesn’t matter, though. The room’s still trashed and her father is nowhere to be found. “I- I’ll cancel them, you shouldn’t have to…I’ve done it before. A couple calls and clicks online, right?” Zara mutters while she leans down to pick up a couple tossed Vinyls. He’d gotten all the good ones; some old Led Zeppelin, The Who, Nirvana, David Bowie…everything he knew he could make a buck or two out of, he took. A copy of Fleetwood Mac’s Rumours sits in the DJ’s hands, tightening when she thinks about the fact that she slept through all of this.
She wishes Javier’s words would soothe her in some way, but they don’t. His touch is enough to distract her, however, as well as the soft ‘Amor,’ he uses to get her attention. Their eyes meet and her grip on the record loosen a little, just enough to set it down behind them on the coffee table to take his hand in hers. “I should’ve seen this coming, Jav. Me. He…he’s like this, this is just- it’s just what he does. Even when I was nineteen and had nothing he couldn’t just…he-” She shakes her head, feeling the tears well up in her eyes again. Luckily, she’s able to push them back with the back of her hand, and is quick to look away from her boyfriend. “We can’t call the cops Javier, they’ll just arrested him and I can’t…he’s my dad. Not even like this, it doesn’t feel right. Let him have all my shit, fine, it’s just stuff.” It’s not just stuff, but it’s what she has to tell herself to keep her voice from breaking again. What else is she supposed to do other than move on? Zara lets go of Javier and starts picking up more tossed items, putting them back where she thinks they belong. To be honest, even in her own apartment, she has no idea where anything goes. Kishan liked to organize and decorate, not her. “I can get a new guitar with the money I made last month,” Zara mutters, trying not to meet Javier’s eyes.
Javier nodded slowly. Yes, canceling her credit cards was easy enough, but that was the least of the problems she had to deal with at the moment, which was why he’d offered to help out. He let out a breath, feeling a massive ball of rage at the pit of his stomach. Aggression rarely solved anything but the writer couldn’t deny that if he knew where Zara’s father was, he would have undoubtedly gone out to find him and beat the crap out of him. He was so genuinely pissed off that that asshole had pulled off the fucked up stunt of stealing from his own daughter. And his anger didn’t even come from the fact that he’d taken things that belonged to her, he was angry that someone who was supposed to be a paragon of safety, protection and affection like a father, had done something to hurt Zara in this way. It was the emotional effect he’d left behind what truly pissed him off. A sense of broken trust. A sense of guilt and responsibility because Zara had trusted him again.
I should’ve seen this coming, she said and Javier found himself frowning. “No” he shook his head immediately. “No, don’t do that, Zara” he said, anger laced through his words. His anger, of course, was in no way directed towards his girlfriend, but at her good for nothing of a father who was long gone. “Amor...” he said with a sigh, reaching out to gently grab her by the arm and turn her to face each other. “I know he’s your father, but what he did is a crime. He stole from you. That’s not okay. It’s so damn far from being okay, even if he’s desperate, even if he needed the things and the money... He didn’t ask for them, he didn’t ask for your help, he just took them” he said in a softer tone, though still very serious about what he was saying. “This isn’t your fault and it’s not about whether or not you should have seen this coming. No one should have to see coming something this messed up, Zara. Your father took advantage of your trust and he committed a crime”. He pulled her into a hug, holding her close as one hand cradled the back of her head. “We need to call the cops” he said again.
“That’s uh…yea, that’s great,” Wes said with a small smile. He was happy for her. He was happy for all of them. They all seemed to have moved on and they were all doing relatively well from his perspective. At least none of them were dying at an accelerated rate. Wes felt that he got the short end of the stick, but he didn’t want to waste the time he had left. He reminded himself of what his therapist told him time and time again during their sessions. She told him to keep living his life normally, reconnect with everyone that meant something to him, and try new things. “Elena’s gone?” Wes was saddened that he missed one of his friends leaving and moving across the ocean. He wasn’t particularly close to Elena, but he did like her and enjoy her company. “Any other updates about the Grid?” Wes asked. He’d asked enough questions about his friends to get a feel of what was happening with them and could judge where he stood. “Well, uh…thanks, Javier,” he said, clapping the other man on the shoulder. “I appreciate you updating me on everyone. I’ll…I’ll message the others and see if they’d be willing to meet.”
Javier smiled lightly as well, appreciative of Wes’ words regarding his girlfriend. However, there was a persistent hint of... sadness, was it? It was probably due to the fact that Wesley had missed so much of their lives for quite a while. “Yeah, she was part of the exchange program and that only lasts a year” the writer said in regards to Elena. Time had a way of passing by rather quickly and it was strange to think that they had her for a whole year, and also that it was almost a year since she left. “You’ll have to ask June about that” he said with a shrug. As far as he knew she was the only one who had consistently been entering The Grid since the very beginning, never stopping except for the time they had no access to the virtual world. Surely the others went in from time to time but the hacker was the one who never fully quit. “I haven’t gone in for months now” he admitted. It was odd to say, even. For a while The Grid was both an escape and a source of inspiration for the writer, and the idea of not having that in his life was unthinkable. But there were good things going on for him now. In real life. That escape didn’t feel so necessary anymore. “Great. Well, let me know what they say” he said with a smile, patting Wes on the back “I have a lecture and I got to run. It’s good to have you back, man”.
repulsive ― hideous ― ugly ― not attractive ― unappealing ― not unattractive ― meh ― no preference ― ok ― mildly attractive ― nice looking ― cute ― adorable ― attractive ― pleasant on the eyes ― good looking ― hot ― sexy ― beautiful ― gorgeous ― hot damn ― would tap that ― perfect ― godlike ― holy fuck there are no words
not if they were the last person on earth and the world was ending ― fuck no! ― never ― no way ― not likely ― not sure ― indifferent ― i’m asexual ― maybe ― probably ― it depends ― fairly likely ― likely ― yeah sure ― yes ― would tap that ― hell yes ― fuck yes! ― wishing that could happen right now ― as many times as possible ― we are already having sex
LEVEL OF FRIENDSHIP:
never in a million years ― worst of enemies ― enemies ― rivals ― indifferent ― neutral ― acquaintance ― friendly toward each other ― casual friends ― friends ― good friends ― best friends ― fuck buddies ― bosom buddies ― practically the same person ― would die for them ― true friends ― my only friend
FIRST IMPRESSION OF THEM:
i hate them so much ― i don’t like them ― i don’t trust them ― they annoy me ― they’re weird ― i’m indifferent ― meh ― they seem alright ― they’re growing on me ― truce ― i think i like them ― i like them ― i’m not sure if i trust them ― i trust them ― they’re cool ― they’re genuine ― i think we’re going to get along ― i really like them ― i think i’m in love ― oh fuck they’re hot ― i love them
CURRENT IMPRESSION OF THEM:
i hate them so much ― i don’t like them ― i don’t trust them ― they annoy me ― they’re weird ― i’m indifferent ― meh ― they seem alright ― they’re growing on me ― truce ― i think i like them ― i like them ― i’m not sure if i trust them ― i trust them ― they’re cool ― they’re genuine ― i think we’re going to get along ― i really like them ― i think i’m in love ― oh fuck they’re hot ― i love them
HOW GOOD OF A KISSER:
worst kisser ever ― terrible ― bad ― awkward ― just okay ― alright ― pretty good ― good ― makes me moan ― excellent ― exciting ― oh god they’re good ― i dream about it ― fucking amazing ― absolute perfection ― we haven’t kissed
repulsive ― hideous ― ugly ― not attractive ― unappealing ― not unattractive ― meh ― no preference ― ok ― mildly attractive ― nice looking ― cute ― adorable ― attractive ― pleasant on the eyes ― good looking ― hot ― sexy ― beautiful ― gorgeous ― hot damn ― would tap that ― perfect ― godlike ― holy fuck there are no words
not if they were the last person on earth and the world was ending ― fuck no! ― never ― no way ― not likely ― not sure ― indifferent ― i’m asexual ― maybe ― probably ― it depends ― fairly likely ― likely ― yeah sure ― yes ― would tap that ― hell yes ― fuck yes! ― wishing that could happen right now ― as many times as possible ― we are already having sex
LEVEL OF FRIENDSHIP:
never in a million years ― worst of enemies ― enemies ― rivals ― indifferent ― neutral ― acquaintance ― friendly toward each other ― casual friends ― friends ― good friends ― best friends ― fuck buddies ― bosom buddies ― practically the same person ― would die for them ― true friends ― my only friend
FIRST IMPRESSION OF THEM:
i hate them so much ― i don’t like them ― i don’t trust them ― they annoy me ― they’re weird ― i’m indifferent ― meh ― they seem alright ― they’re growing on me ― truce ― i think i like them ― i like them ― i’m not sure if i trust them ― i trust them ― they’re cool ― they’re genuine ― i think we’re going to get along ― i really like them ― i think i’m in love ― oh fuck they’re hot ― i love them
CURRENT IMPRESSION OF THEM:
i hate them so much ― i don’t like them ― i don’t trust them ― they annoy me ― they’re weird ― i’m indifferent ― meh ― they seem alright ― they’re growing on me ― truce ― i think i like them ― i like them ― i’m not sure if i trust them ― i trust them ― they’re cool ― they’re genuine ― i think we’re going to get along ― i really like them ― i think i’m in love ― oh fuck they’re hot ― i love them
HOW GOOD OF A KISSER:
worst kisser ever ― terrible ― bad ― awkward ― just okay ― alright ― pretty good ― good ― makes me moan ― excellent ― exciting ― oh god they’re good ― i dream about it ― fucking amazing ― absolute perfection ― we haven’t kissed
