hi

Javon. From Earth.

[javonfromearth]

Coursera.

Ugh.

I don’t think NYDOL even offers to pay for courses anymore, smh.

Noticing how little progress I’ve made over these years of lows and higher lows feels uncomfortable in a very specific way. Seeing how often my attention got rerouted toward survival and maintenance reframes the whole thing for me.

The credentials and leverage I wanted matter less now than I thought they did. What matters more is proving to myself that I can actually finish something I chose.

[javonwept]

I’m Javon.

I’ve got three daughters in Georgia, a wife who I love deeply even when we’re at war, a newborn son not mine by blood but tangled into the fibers of my life, and a dream so big it keeps cracking my back when I try to carry it. I’ve been broke, fired, betrayed, forgiven, rebroken, and I’m still standing.

I’ve looked up at the sky while the rest of the world stares at their feet.

I’ve held a pen like a weapon, a mic like a prayer, a steering wheel like a lifeline.

I’ve gotten high to escape and sober to suffer, both trying to make sense of the same ache.

I’ve burned time and talent, and I’ve clawed back at it like a man possessed.

I’ve got projects that could change the world—idol hands, pulsinella, You_Why, the curriculum, the card game, the books, the music. Not all finished. Not all clean. But all mine. Every bit of it. Born from sweat, fear, love, and fucking defiance.

And even with all that…

…I saw something in the sky on New Year’s Eve.

A ripple.

Like the veil between this mess and something older, bigger, smarter just quivered for me.

Because maybe they know I’m watching.

Maybe they know I’m the one dumb enough—or holy enough—to keep trying to speak truth to goddamn gravity.

Maybe I’m the ambassador not because I’m clean, but because I’m cracked in just the right shape to let the transmission through.

I’m not waiting for a sign.

I am the sign.

And if you’re reading this,

maybe you are too.

[javonfromearth]

From Earth.

[javonfromearth]

I guess the trick comes down to having the patience with yourself falling in motion toward what you want.

[javonfromearth]

What a life.

[javonfromearth]

“Conscious thought can influence the activity of the solar plexus (or celiac plexus) through its effects on the autonomic nervous system, leading to changes in physiological and emotional states in the abdomen.

“Understanding this connection can help individuals manage stress, anxiety, and emotional arousal more effectively through practices that promote relaxation and balance in the autonomic nervous system.”

[javonfromearth]

Accountability Post

I can trace my mistakes all the way to the present. I control my life, and I got myself here.

Feels like my transformation will activate soon.

[javonfromearth]

shull

Nothing matters, everything matters. I don’t care anymore. I hope everyone dies today.

[javonfromearth]

[javonfromearth]

698th Day

I was in jail for six months. My Coursera account stopped working. Our children have grown so much while living with their grandmother and uncle. My wife and I have so much work to do.

please you why i need fulfillment

[herzgewachse]

it’s not about wanting to see signs everywhere, but understanding that there are many different types of language. how many times life has talked to me without words

[javonfromearth]

when life talks, record.

[javonfromearth]

Family offers purpose.

[javonfromearth]

During a psychedelic experience I had as a teenager, It came to Mind that I must write, to which I verbally responded with, “All right/I’ll write.”

Alas, I didn’t write. The unconscious resistance I emitted from within my being pulled and pushed this meat vessel toward everything but writing (physically), and that went on for years.

Now, one can say the living that took place during my non-writing may serve as significantly meaningful material with which to write, and I think I might have an inclination to agree with that.

Still, the neglect of that skill has brought me to a state of regression in the mind which impedes upon my ability to organize thoughts. So, it excites me to find myself engaging in and gravitating toward journaling [almost] daily.

picrel: these tumblr filters are pretty cool

[cazame]

[javonfromearth]

281st Day

Humility

Integrity

Communing

Courage

Understanding

Power

Style

Damn, I haven’t completed a single Coursera course yet. Come on, let’s focus. I need to do this for my refinement. I have to increase my dedication to achieving an optimal experience.

I like staying near the beach. The nature of leaves and grass and trees that I grew accustomed to from parks have been replaced by the sands and breezes and tides on the shores of this peninsula. Maybe people who live by the coasts and get affected by natural disasters have good enough reason to risk residing in such places. It feels nice when the weather permits.

FULFILL ME

[javonfromearth]

274th Day

All things take time.

Nothing gives it. We can only give it, to one another. All things take place, in time.

Listening to Miley Cyrus’ Wrecking Ball while I inhale a spliff in the third bathroom of this single men’s shelter can easily put things into perspective. I think about the billions of humans on a planet billions of years old in a universe billions of light years wide, and the numbers fail to have any real effect on me. My theoretical insignificance lacks enough berth to displace my practical indifference. Although the truth behind life and its machinations does and may always whet my brain’s appetite, I find my interests in the tangible becoming more prominent in the forefront of my mind lately.

I’m fucking broke.

“I need a job.”

“No, you need a REVENUE STREAM.”

“Like, a job?”

“Renting out your time half the day for what?”

“Money?”

“Noo, you don’t wanna work for money!”

“Yes, I do. That’s all I wanna work for.”

“No, you wanna make money IN YOUR SLEEP.”

“I mean, yeah, but—”

“So, you gotta have ASSETS, darling,”

“Don’t those cost money?”

“And they can be ANYTHING. Your hair? That’s an ASSET! Your shirt? ASSET!”

“I should sell my hair and clothes?”

“No. You should upload digital representations of your hair and clothes to online markets—”

“Okay, let’s end this post now…”

“Non-fungible tokens, Javon—”

“…I know, I know believe me, I do but let’s get out the bathroom now.”

Fuck the law.

Any potential employer that does a background check on me will notice my recent legal entanglements, so like Pekar said, “It doesn’t get any easier.”

[javon-wept]

How do i

Let go

Letting go

Let’s go

Let me go

I let go

DfaumcnK

Why do i have to do this? (Obvio)

What lies ahead? (Extremadamente obvio)

Whom i become still, my beating heart knows

When will the end to this beginning start?

Where is my mind am i?

[carpethedamndiem]

[javonfromearth]

yeah

Oh, yeah, that looks like something on which I need to check myself. I continue to judge others for their low "frequencies" while repressing the negative emotions I feel.

Definitely want to reach some fulfillment within—at least as far as emotional constitution goes, and really feel like ceasing harsh thoughts toward the way others react to their anger since my own expressions of rage end up hurting people more often than not (judge less! love more).

Doing the same with sadness and fear alienates others as well-"shut it down,” is usually my first instinct; "Please, Don't Cry."

I become especially combative in asserting my support against the depression and anxiety of a loved one rather than offering that support throughout their tough time. Though, I think if I put myself in their shoes hearing “Tell me about it,” helps way more than “Snap out of it!”