pusher wag tularan

jawburt/mnlph/arki/sawi

[jawburts-room]

HELLO WHAT HAVE I MISSED

HAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHA ok this is fun.

On many times that I have attempted coming back to this blog ay dahil heart broken ako or i am desperate for an artistic/emotional outlet, or some other sorts of bullshit, but now I’m just back kasi I realized na SHET it has been so long feeling ko ang dami nang nagbago. So shit. Hello. Old fag here. I just finished scrolling through my TA’s and my FM’s shet ang dami kong nakausap na yung iba kilala ko padin yung iba like who are these bitches HAHAHAH. GRABE ANG SAYA NAAALALA KO PA PASSWORD KO. 

TA NIYO KO DALI HAHAHAHA GUSTO KO NG KAUSAP

[jawburts-room]

150

I never thought I’ll be back here again.

And of all nights that I have thousands of dangerous thoughts flowing in and out but left unspoken, of all nights that I cry in defeat when I fail to convey my feelings to him, of all nights that I could have written something worth remembering, the heavens chose this day.

This day, that I’m absolutely over and done with everything that is left with me, and that I’m struggling to find my voice again. This day, that I finally decided to completely abandon all fuck that is left with my system and just soak up all the blame that is thrown upon me. This day, that I finally accepted that I cannot be the best version of myself to everybody at once, that it cannot be forever.

Now I have no idea what to put here, I just hit that point wherein I need to look for my Tumblr again just to keep me anchored to who I am...because right now I feel like I’ve completely lost him.

[jawburts-room]

*breathes hard*

Punyeta buhay pa pala tumblr ko!!!!!!!!!!!!! Im back back back back back again. Naisip ko lang randomly na shet namiss ko mag tumblr ha. ganon pala talaga pag tinutulugan ng boyfriend HAHAHA nawawalan ng sense ang life charot. Ayun wala lang napadaan lang as always. Ang daming alikabok.

Sorry past self alam kong may format yung mga posts mo dati pero here’s your future self tinamad na unti unti kong sisirain yung nasimulan mong format dito cheret

[jawburts-room]

Jusko my goodness. ANG PAYAT KO SA ICON KO ANUNA HAHAHA KELAN KO BA HULING PINALITAN YAN. AND YUNG THEME KO sabi ko aayusin ko yan eh ayun ang kalat padin AHAHHAHAHA NAKAKAHIYA SA MGA BISITA ANAK

[jawburts-room]

*breathes hard*

Punyeta buhay pa pala tumblr ko!!!!!!!!!!!!! Im back back back back back again. Naisip ko lang randomly na shet namiss ko mag tumblr ha. ganon pala talaga pag tinutulugan ng boyfriend HAHAHA nawawalan ng sense ang life charot. Ayun wala lang napadaan lang as always. Ang daming alikabok.

Sorry past self alam kong may format yung mga posts mo dati pero here’s your future self tinamad na unti unti kong sisirain yung nasimulan mong format dito cheret

[jawburts-room]

Hi, I noticed na hindi ka madalas mag sulat (mag type in this sense hehe). But natutuwa ako basahin yung mga nilalagay mo dito. Write more please!!!

Uyy omg helloooo <3 Oo apparently HAHAHA di na ako active dito :( But hopefully makapaglaan ako ng time para bumalik dito kasi shet sobrang miss ko naaaa :( Anyway, salamat ng sobraa! Heheh

[jawburts-room]

105

So your story starts here.

When I started liking you, I never touched this blog. I have completely restricted my thoughts to ever land in here. You know it already -- I denied to myself that I liked you. But now we’re here, we’ve already been through quite a lot and I think I can’t carry everything anymore. I felt like I need to let this all out here. I mean, I always do -- all my tweets are about  everything that is you. But that’s not enough, I can’t pour it all there. You know how much I love you. And you know how much this is hard for me. You told me you don’t need me to broadcast my love. But it seems like I need to, to completely own you...I want you to be absolutely mine. I always can’t get enough of your presence whenever we’re together.

It’s already 5pm and I still haven’t had a meal for today. We chatted, yes, but the sum of our messages from past midnight when you’re obviously horny and drowsy at the same time until now wouldn’t surmount to the pile of stuff we send each other for just an hour last week. It’s hard...to feel contented...to feel satisfied with late, half-assed replies...I mean, I do it, most of the time when I’m drowsy...but now that we’ve haven’t been together for days I don’t think it’s a good time for half-assed texts. I might be a drama but I’m literally dreaming you nightly. I’m fucking dreaming you and never before that I’ve ever dreamed someone like that. You kissed me so hard...harder than the pecks we stole on public...I hugged you so tight...I wished the world could be just like that for both of us but it won’t. 

So your story starts here, and if I ever lost my shit and sent you a link to this...know that all succeeding posts are just about you unless stated. To love you is to get mad about why there isn’t a stronger word for “love”, something that would define what I feel for you. To love you is to forever hope for a moment that I’d finally get enough of you..but would that be a moment that would end us? If so, then let me stay thirsty for you forever.

[jawburts-room]

before you tell me you love me make sure it's real

[jawburts-room]

Almighty God,

Thank you for keeping me safe and secured up to this very day. Thank you also for keeping the people I cherish the most still with me today. Thank you for leading my life for me to arrive in this certain point of time and condition.

I am again including a new addition to my lifestyle. Please guide me in my first attempts and please lead me to better decisions. Please provide me enough strength and determination to handle this new addition as good as how i handled what I am now constantly doing. Please make me your instrument through the work I do and the gifts I have. Please allow other people to understand my objectives that are always according to what is righteous and fair.

Please guide me to constant intellectual progression; may my intent of excellence render something productive to humanity’s faith. 

All these I ask in Your name. Amen.

[jawburts-room]

17

Last Sunday i thought that maybe I still love you no matter what occurred. I started to recall; my attention has drifted away from the ceremonial dialogues and songs and my memory reconstructed what has been lost.I found myself again at the farthest bench, wearing a white button-up shirt and a black and gold name pin. I smiled, then, thinking that maybe, I still do, no matter what occurred.

But I’d rather go with what has been provided by fate. I’d rather not make the effort to reunite with whatever I lost.

Everything is simple, as a matter of fact. The emotions compose the complications.

[jawburts-room]

9

I don’t know but it seems that everything that occurred in my life just lead me to not caring about rejection any more. I couldn’t care less now when people makes it seem to me that my presence is not cherished or what. I just leave for fuck’s sake. 

[jawburts-room]

365

Huling araw ng taon.

Huling araw ng pinakamasaya at pinaka-miserableng taon.

Huling pagkakataon; 

huling subok itama lahat ng pagkakamali

o tabunan ito ng pagsisisi.

Hulng subok maibaon ang noon.

“You defined my 2015. You are my 2015, actually. But the year is about to end; I guess that must be all for both of us. Wala nang maipipilit pa, sagad na. Tanggap ko na naman eh, namimiss lang kita ng sobra.” Sa pagtilaok ng manok, natapos ko yung huling sulat ko para sa iyo. I thought it would be better if everything i want to say would be concisely laid out in there kesa magpakita pa ako sa’yo. Alam kong ayaw mo na akong makita. Feeling ko nga wala ka na talagang pake eh, nagdadalawang isip pa ako kung ibibigay ko o hindi. Sa pagpatay ko ng ilaw, siya namang paglitaw ng araw. Kaya hapon na ako nagising.

Alas-sais ng gabi noong nakauwi ako galing simbahan. Dali-dali kong dinampot yung sulat at naglakad papunta sa inyo. Hinihintay mo kaya ito? Hindi, malamang. Pake mo ba.

Pangalawang beses ko nang pupunta ulit doon. Antique street. Manong, saan ho ba banda dito yung Antique street? Pangalawa na, ‘di padin alam. Ba’t ba di marunong matuto. Lahat naman kasi kinakalimutan mo. Palaki ng palaki yung hakbang ng binti ko, palaki rin ng palaki ang mga patak ng pawis at mga patak ng ulan; yung pangalan mong nakapinta sa asul ay bahagyang nabasa at unti-unting kumalat.

Antique street. Ganoon padin ang hitsura nito mula noong Pasko; matamlay, walang bahid ng presensya mo. May lumabas galing sa inyo; hindi ka niya kilala. Buti nalang lumabas yung ate mo bago ko pa ma-conclude na lumipat na talaga kayo ng bahay. Nagtago ako at hinintay ko na lang mawalan ng tao sa tapat ng bahay niyo.

Initsa ko papasok sa inyo yung sulat, thinking na mapupulot ng isa sa mga kamag-anak mo, hindi niya bubuksan o babasahin, ibibigay niya ng maayos sa’yo. Hindi ko na tiningnan kung saan ba ito dadapo, kung sa tuyong lugar ba o sa basa. Pagkabato ko noong sulat, sabay tumakbo na ako. Hindi ko na hinintya na may makapulot, may makapansin, hindi ko na inalam kung makakarating ba sa’yo. Ayoko nang makitang palpak padin yung huli kong subok. Sa pagbato ko nung sulat, kasama na doon lahat ng tanong, hinanakit, at halos lahat ng pake ko. Nagtira lang ako ng kaunti.

Tulad ng sinabi, yun na yung huling pagkakataon.

Huling hirit, huling subok.

Sa pagbubukas ng bagong taon, wala na akong dadalhing emosyon o kahit na anong magiging sagabal sa pagpapabuti ko ng sarili.

[jawburts-room]

WOWW. Let me reblog this for a reason.

On this exact date AND time last year (31st December 2015 6:30 am) I finished writing the letter I’m talking about in this post. AND I’m using the exact table I used in writing the letter now for my laptop while lurking on my own blog lol. It’s good to think na huling hirit na talaga yun kung ano man yan. It’s good na it stayed in 2015. Wala akong dinalang kahit anong sagabal sa pagpapabuti ko ng sarili. Sana this 2017 iwan ko na din lahat ng toxic na nangyari ng 2016. Ang saya lang. Nawala energy gap ko dahil dito HAHAHA

[jawburts-room]

366

Goodbye to the love I had for the person whose texts are all I’ve waited for the first minutes of this year.

Goodbye to the dedication I had for the last school project I ever loved doing.

Goodbye to the Valentine’s Day I celebrated still alone yet sober.

Goodbye to the last time I ever felt certain of passing a semester.

Goodbye to the last Sunday I had to march with rifles and flags.

Goodbye to the day I finally chose to broaden my horizons and reach out to other circles.

Goodbye to the joy of making the most successful decision of my life.

Goodbye to the reason why I lived with guilt and self-hate for a while.

Goodbye to the words that are left unsaid and already forgotten.

Goodbye to what has already been replaced for the benefit of all.

Goodbye to everything stupid done under the influence.

Goodbye to the first times that have not been memorable in a good way.

Goodbye to the first times that have been memorable in a good way.

Goodbye to the worst decisions I made this year and their consequences.

Goodbye to my will to do good at school.

Goodbye to consecutive days of faking sobriety.

Goodbye to consecutive days of battling lethargy.

Goodbye to the painful moments I chose to forget and has been fortunately forgotten.

Goodbye to the music that defined small pieces of my life story.

Goodbye to all the money I’ve spent trying to purchase happiness.

Goodbye to celebrations of life that could never be redone.

Goodbye to this year’s collective midnight emotional fits.

Goodbye to everything posted yet immediately deleted from the Internet.

Goodbye to the moments I almost died.

Goodbye to the people who just came and are already gone.

Goodbye to false perspectives and failed attempts to fathom the enormity of reality.

Goodbye 2016, you are absolutely memorable.

[fyp-philosophy]

The future is a concept, it doesn’t exist. There is no such thing as tomorrow. There never will be, because time is always now. That’s one of the things we discover when we stop talking to ourselves and stop thinking. We find there is only present, only an eternal now.

Alan Watts (via fyp-philosophy)

  (via kushandwizdom)

[gnegar]

[cellexa-deactivated20180917]

Old people find out how to use the Internet thanks to their millennial kids and then bully millennials kids

[olympo-blog]

[boseslalake]

Hi everyone,

I really don’t know how to start. As of this writing I still can’t believe that our friend, Val (aspiringcolumnist) already left us. I’m still speechless and hoping that the news was a prank. But no, we really have lost a good friend who has been the voice of the voiceless people.

I know all of us are in the state of mourning now, and our grief at this time are little compared to what Val’s family must be feeling.

There will be a short memorial service at Val’s home in QC that will start today which is still tentative and since not all of us has  the same time of availability, we decided to go there batch by batch. There are set of bloggers who will go tomorrow, Tuesday (Cha) and on Saturday (Mackoi) so you can coordinate with us if you want to join.

You may sms/call us at: Cha (boseslalake)  - 09954676511 Mackoi (pinkrosesandgraveyard)  - 09278305619

Also, you can give a small amount (which is not compulsory) so we can help his family to provide proper memorial service for Val. For those who are willing to share, you may deposit through BPI with the following account details:

Account Name: Charlene Marifosqui Account Number: 3179-3312-32 Contact Number: 09954676511

Help us spread the word and have a good day.

[jawburts-room]

Hala so sad

[jawburts-room]

226

It has been so long that I almost thought you were just a memory. That I almost forgot you are an actual person, and that you are living in a world once connected to mine. It has been so long since I heard something from you, that I almost thought you were merely a wild dream that I have no control upon, that I have no capability of pulling back or recollecting. It has been so long of your absence that I’m seeing everything of you right now as surreal. You can’t just pop back into my world and make me feel your breath when I have actually overdone forgetting you before that I convinced myself you never even existed. It creeps me..seeing you now. It’s like my mind is vigorously pulling two time frames together, finding a reasonable excuse to what my eyes are seeing. And to add up the way things have changed for both of us in an eerily beautiful way, I’m not sure how to feel about this.

Nonetheless, see you soon, then.