As April is sexual assault awareness month, I wanna use my platform talk about something that I don't think is talked about nearly enough in the conversation of sexual assault.
We all know that coercion is not consent. However I don't think we talk enough in depth about the different ways coercion can present or about how serious it is.
The best example of coercion that everyone talks about is asking someone over and over until they are worn down and they eventually say yes. However that's not all there is to it. The definition of coercion is any attempts to control your behavior through threats and/or manipulation. And although the example listed above is one form there are many others, all of which leave the victim confused in the end or feeling like it wasn't so bad because they still said yes. This can include guilt and using their emotions, such as an experience that happened to myself, where I said no and he gave me the silent treatmeant and when I asked what was wrong he told me he just got his hopes up and was gonna be depressed until I gave in. It also consists of making threats such as "If you don't do this I'll hurt myself" or "If you don't do this I'll tell this person this". They can also use drugs or alcohol to get you to agree, such as "Oh just smoke/drink this and we'll see how you feel then". It can also be manipulation tactics like "Well if you do this for me then I'll do this for you" in the context of what they want being something you don't want to do and already said no to.
Below I will be following along with Healthlines article on this topic and including examples of different forms of coercion now that I have given the definition and a few different forms with examples.
I lightly covered this above however I will go more in depth here.
They can threaten to harm someone around you, whether physically, mentally, emotionally, or sexually. The example Healthline used is "If you don't want to sleep with me fine. Your friend is pretty drunk though, I bet she won't say no." They can threaten anything against other people though.
They can threaten you, once again physically, mentally, emotionally, sexually, a career, or your reputation. Hurting you mentally and emotionally includes threatening to leave you if you don't have sexual relations with them. Hurting your career can come especially from people who have power over you, but can also be from just regular coworkers threatening to set you up. Hurting your reputation can be stuff like threatening to spread rumors about you or forms of blackmail against you such as revenge porn (spreading sexually explicit videos or images of you) or anything else you would not want getting out.
They can also threaten themselves. This is most commonly them threatening suicide if you choose not to participate in sexual activity. But it can also be just any threat towards themself.
This is the act of making you feel that something is wrong with you if you choose not to have sex with them.
Examples of this would be saying that you've gone on a certain amount of dates and it's "about time", calling you a prude, saying everyone else is having sex, and more.
This is the topic I know the least about so if someone would like to add onto this please do so.
This is where a person will use their emotions to try to convince you to do what they want.
Examples of this can be saying it will make both of you feel better because of how stressed you are, crying because you will not have sex, getting angry and slamming things and/or stomping, pouting, or even giving you the silent treatmeant until you give in. This is most common in romantic relationships however it can happen with any person in your life. If you are being emotionally manipulated as a form of coercion, leave. Because they will use this in other areas of your relationship whether it be romantic or platonic.
Badgering is repeated requests for sex. This is the most common example of coercion. I'm not gonna go as in depth on this one because most people are familiar with this.
It can be as simple as the repeated "Can we have sex" or less simple, such as someone saying they'll do something for you if it means that you'll have sex with them. It can also be little hints like repeatedly saying they can't wait or other things like that.
This is another form of emotional manipulation, however it is something I want to cover on its own.
This can be stuff such as heathline's example "I've been feeling so lonely I really need you right now", "We haven't had sex in a week, it's really difficult for me to go so long without", and "I can't believe you don't want to have sex on our anniversary. You must not really love me as much as you say you do."
My personal experience with this like mentioned above was for the guy I was with saying that he had gotten his hopes up and that he was just gonna be depressed until he got what he wanted.
Like Healthline notes, it can also be combined with accusations, such as accusing you of infidelity.
It does not matter how much you care for a person, if they are using guilt trips on you then they are either not as upset as they claim they are, or it is just simply not your problem. I know saying that comes across very harshly, but you are not responsible for the feelings of someone who wishes to manipulate you, especially not at the expense of yourself.
This is very similar to the silent treatmeant mentioned under emotional manipulation.
Examples of this is pushing you away if you choose to still have physically affection with them even if you don't want sex. They become cold towards you or could even say things like "Oh you want to kiss me but not have sex with me?"
Making you feel bad about yourself:
This is another very common example. This is where they try to put you down or lower your self esteem so you will have sex with them.
They will either make negative comments about you, such as saying it probably wouldn't be good anyways, or saying other things like they could sleep with anyone else but specifically chose you, but now they'll just have to go to them. The most common one is "Okay well you're ugly anyways I didn't even wanna sleep with you". Almost every afab person I know has heard this phrase.
Insisting you have to follow through:
This is where they try to use your own word or prior actions against you.
This includes "We've had sex before, what's so different now?", "But you said we would today", "Oh but you were kissing me, you made me feel like you want it", or not respecting you telling them to stop part way through.
True consent can be withdrawn at ANY point in time. Whether that be before it starts or after. If they do not stop, or start to complain, that is coercion and they do not genuinely respect how you feel.
Over-the-top affection and compliments:
This is where they use positive responses instead of negative responses to coerce you. This one is a lot trickier to spot, but can be another form of a guilt trip.
They can use compliments, gifts, or affection to try and get you to have sex with them.
This can be doing those things with the intention of making you say yes when they ask, or after you say no to make you change your answer.
This is also "If you do this for me I'll do this for you"
The most common form though is "But I did this this and this for you and you don't want to have sex with me?"
It can also be "Oh but you look so good baby I just can't stop touching you"
In the end this is them trying to make you feel bad so you'll have sex with them. Regardless, you do not owe them anything. They chose to do those things for you, regardless of their intent. Their choices do not dictate your own.
If someone tries to coerce you into having sexual relations with them, no matter who it is, if you feel safe enough to do so call them out on it. Tell them that attempting to pressure you will not change your mind, and suggest another activity. If they continue, they are not a safe person for you to be around, and if possible cut them out of your life. You do not have to do anything you do not wish to do.
If this is something that has happened to you, it is just as much sexual assault as any other form. It is just as serious, regardless of the fact that you gave in in the end. It's very easy to tell yourself that it wasn't so bad, but I promise you it was. Consent is something you give freely, enthusiastically, and can be withdraw at any point. If you did not give it freely it was not consent. If you have been coerced into sexual activity, you are not alone, and there are people you can reach out to. My page and dms are welcome for anyone who needs someone to talk to, and I wish you all well.
Sorry for this being a long one, but I thought it was important to talk about. I know for myself I never saw coercion be talked about in depth in the conversation of sa, so it was very hard for me to recognize it happening to myself. I hope this post brings some awareness to coercion and the different forms it fan be presented in so that others can either feel less alone about their own experiences, or help educate someone enough to help recognize it happening to them and allow them to put a stop to it.
You are not alone, and it was not your fault. Stay safe ๐ซถ๐ป
Source(s): https://www.healthline.com/health/sexual-coercion#defining-what-happened
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