The Den on the edge

Hi, welcome to my page. This is a test of my own for myself. A way to put myself into the world and face many fears.

[jaxxs184]

I want to paint a picture of the many ways mental problems can affect people. I believe my story can do just that. I've had to learn life lessons throughout my entire life, and I'm getting to the point where I can stand up and say I am who I am because of my past! All though to get where I'm at right now has taken everything I've ever had away from me. To say that my life has been a struggle is just a poor way of describing it. It's more like my life has been a constant life or death battle. I was thrown to the wolves the moment I was born.

A premature birth to a miracle baby. See, life already tried to take me out as I was starting. What a bitch! Anyways! Mom and Dad don't get along. There are too many problems with one another, at least from what I've gathered over the years. But I'm too young to understand how that is going to affect me in the future. Although that's not where it began. It began when my mom was on her own. She tried to find a man to fill the role of my so-called father. The first steps to my very painful future.

Enter a strange man now dating my mother and secretly hates me! He wasn't a good man either. He was a cruel man who did too many drugs and drank too much. I was a nuisance to him. A problem he couldn't get rid of. So he took his anger out on me. I actually don't know how severe it got, unfortunately. My grandmother confirmed that I didn't recall most of my past. Things she caught him doing to me. Questionable punishments not ment for a small child. I remember this man teaching me the ABCs. Every time I got them wrong, he would flick me in the head with his bony fingers and would verbally remind me how useless I was. I got his kicks out of scaring me. Emotionally putting me down and sending me to my room. Out of his sight. I always worry about trying to remember the bits and pieces of my past that I just can't remember. I worry that it's too horrific, that’s why it's locked away. I don't know the full story. That scares me. A ticking time bomb filled with anxiety and panic. What could he have done to me.

Anyways! It just gets darker from there. So I'll leave this story be what it is for now.

[jaxxs184]

Please be aware before you read this. I go over many different subjects, and these stories of my life can get very dark. I'm fine, but a story needs to be told.

Quality over quantity. We usually apply this knowledge to technology right. Do we apply it to people? I didn't. I was taught to treat people with kindness and good intentions but mama didn't raise no bitch. Everything that comes out of my mouth is real. “I always say exactly what I’m feeling, and if they don’t like me, that’s fine! It doesn’t change the fact that I was close to their hearts.” - Yuuki Konno

My kindness has caused so much me so much pain. I give my all every single time. My my, my body, my soul... Different time. Different people. Same outcome. My heart pounding due to anxiety and stress. My rage building. Ripping through all my defenses and all my walls. The instinct to protect myself in a dangerous situation. Once that instinct starts to show its ugly head. Run! You might take that as a joke or that I'm over exaggerating this. That monster isn't. I have no control when my rage takes over. It's not like people think. Your body moves and reacts on its own. I can't control that. A demon let out of its cage. Years and years dealing with those consequences. Remembering the aftermath, unable to function, and my eyes focused on the person in front of me. A person in pain. Because of me! How are you supposed to be a being that gives kindness and love when you've hurt so many people?!

Where I am? My room again? Why? Locked inside with no motivation. Afraid of hurting someone again. Wanting to live up to my potential, give people kindness again. I'm not able to figure out why I'm the monster all of the time. "You're the monster. You hurt them. You're the problem. But you know if you cut those pesky emotions off. " What's happens when you cut your emotions off? " You will become stronger. " Stronger? Will becoming stronger make all the pain go away? " Of course it will! " I didn't need any more than that.

My emotions were off. I was free from the pain! So I thought. You can't run from the lessons of life without consequences. Decades of rubbing dirt on it and picking myself back up. All my close friends saw a strong young man who could handle any situation and still be standing. I was broken but standing. Still standing. I am only able to hold myself together in front of them.

Once that door shuts, though. I'm locked inside my own mind again. Bottom of the bottle, an empty pack of cigarettes. Lost in memories that are truly nightmares at the end of the day. Reliving my pain, spiraling towards rock bottom. I'm screaming in silence because I can't let anyone see my pieces all over the floor! Praying. Wishing. I hope someone will come through that door! Waiting for a savior that never shows. Gahhhh! I don't need anyone! Or anything! I have me, myself, I.

Who knows when all that started. You lose track of the years when you're surviving. Mistake after mistake, but nobody ever taught you how to properly learn from your mistakes! I'm too afraid to tell anyone what I'm going through. There were so many failed attempts at crying for help. So many people are destroying me for being broken. I can't ask for help. I have to take care of myself! " That's right, take care of yourself. "

I learned that if you don't know how to properly take care of yourself, you'll never know how to understand the simplicity of life.

Isn't this a little much? I don't know. Those lines are blurred for me. Telling my story in anyway shape or form isn't pleasant, but I have to tell it. With the hope that someone somewhere sees this and can learn from my mistakes!

Those nights all alone. With an empty bottle of booze. Lost in my drunk mind listening to the walls speak. True isolation from the world. Fantasies danced through my mind, trying to remind myself of hope. In the end, those are just fantasies. Dreams I could never reach out and grab for myself. Hope turns to misery. Bottle after bottle now. My intake of alcohol is so high. It seems completely normal to me now. My friends and family who are still around are concerned. Concerned I'm drinking too much. Concerned I'm losing control. Oh, if you only knew how truly far I've fallen off the deep end.

I have no more care or concerns. Only death wishes by my side. So it begins. The drinking, smoking, drugs, sex and bad people to keep me company. The fights thrill me. The guns, the knives, the drugs, and the woman all have my mind perfectly distracted from all my problems.

Ehh, life. It's such a confusing brutal process. Don't worry, I'm doing much better now. I'm better than I ever have been. It just hasn't been an easy road, and I want to put it out there in my own way.

[jaxxs184]

I need an outlet to put myself out into the world. I've been locked inside my own mind for so long. Living unrealistic, unhealthy nightmare... Oh, I mean life. I've been destroyed and broken so many times by so many people. I've laid dormant in my den of safety, a space in which I can control. That control came at a cost, though. The cost of my mind. My sanity slowly slipped away year after year, day after day. I was broken to the point I was bleeding out in the dirt with no sign of the light. No one by my side. Empty and alone with only my death wishes comforting me to sleep. Death wishes so sweet they bring a tear to your eye. You're only human.

We can't help it. Escaping this cruel life. A constant for my entire life. Until the last year and a half. My world flipped upside down and spun around until I lost my bearings and self-control. So much, so fast all at once. A love interest opens me to a new world that can I benefit and learn from. A new world with so much undiscovered trauma laying in wait. I didn't understand just how deadly it was. Enduring that has been my eye opener to the fact that if you listen and pay attention, life speaks to you in lessons. Beautiful and strong messages that can cut to the core of your very being. I learned my lesson. Not listening to the messages life was giving me. Making me relive my own personal hell.

That Hell would never stop! Years and years of pain and torture because I didn't understand that life was teaching me. Teaching me to care for myself. Teaching me to love my past and learn from it. Teaching me that sometimes those demons are needed in life, that the goal is always kindness. It was all laid out in front of me, but I couldn't overcome my fears. I couldn't find the strength to pick myself up. My fatal flaw. Learned that one as well this year. I would rather save someone else because I viewed myself as unworthy to save.

Unworthy to save, huh? My decisions in my past made me believe that. I ran from my shadow, and I let it win without even knowing it. Years of blaming myself and others for where I was at. All it took to change my life was information, though. Knowledge. Learning and applying. Makes it easier day by day. I wish I knew that when I was younger. If I had the hunger I had now, back when I was younger, I would have gone so far in life.

You can't blame your past life? No. I can blame the people who made my life Hell on purpose, though. I never blame those people. I never try to blame anyone. I need to, though. People need to be held accountable, right? Manipulation and control at its finest! Hahaha. Evil people do evil things. Yet they still cry out to live in the light. Little bit Yan and Yang for you. The Yin and Yang. It's such a beautiful ideology. It helped me understand people a little bit better. Gave me grounding, balance between my light and dark. See when people look at the Yin and Yang as two different beings supported by each other. Both are different on the outside, yet the result is the same inside of those beings. Well, when you look at it like that, that seems correct, right? It's the way we look at them as two separate beings. It's one being. A being with conflict inside of them. Always a right and wrong. Evil, death fighting against love and life. At least, that's the way I understand it.

Please understand that this is not a cry for help. Just questions and statements to help me understand my reality. I hope you enjoyed this read, even if it hurt. Feedback is appreciated.