Please be aware before you read this. I go over many different subjects, and these stories of my life can get very dark. I'm fine, but a story needs to be told.
Quality over quantity. We usually apply this knowledge to technology right. Do we apply it to people? I didn't. I was taught to treat people with kindness and good intentions but mama didn't raise no bitch. Everything that comes out of my mouth is real. “I always say exactly what I’m feeling, and if they don’t like me, that’s fine! It doesn’t change the fact that I was close to their hearts.” - Yuuki Konno
My kindness has caused so much me so much pain. I give my all every single time. My my, my body, my soul... Different time. Different people. Same outcome. My heart pounding due to anxiety and stress. My rage building. Ripping through all my defenses and all my walls. The instinct to protect myself in a dangerous situation. Once that instinct starts to show its ugly head. Run! You might take that as a joke or that I'm over exaggerating this. That monster isn't. I have no control when my rage takes over. It's not like people think. Your body moves and reacts on its own. I can't control that. A demon let out of its cage. Years and years dealing with those consequences. Remembering the aftermath, unable to function, and my eyes focused on the person in front of me. A person in pain. Because of me! How are you supposed to be a being that gives kindness and love when you've hurt so many people?!
Where I am? My room again? Why? Locked inside with no motivation. Afraid of hurting someone again. Wanting to live up to my potential, give people kindness again. I'm not able to figure out why I'm the monster all of the time. "You're the monster. You hurt them. You're the problem. But you know if you cut those pesky emotions off. " What's happens when you cut your emotions off? " You will become stronger. " Stronger? Will becoming stronger make all the pain go away? " Of course it will! " I didn't need any more than that.
My emotions were off. I was free from the pain! So I thought. You can't run from the lessons of life without consequences. Decades of rubbing dirt on it and picking myself back up. All my close friends saw a strong young man who could handle any situation and still be standing. I was broken but standing. Still standing. I am only able to hold myself together in front of them.
Once that door shuts, though. I'm locked inside my own mind again. Bottom of the bottle, an empty pack of cigarettes. Lost in memories that are truly nightmares at the end of the day. Reliving my pain, spiraling towards rock bottom. I'm screaming in silence because I can't let anyone see my pieces all over the floor! Praying. Wishing. I hope someone will come through that door! Waiting for a savior that never shows. Gahhhh! I don't need anyone! Or anything! I have me, myself, I.
Who knows when all that started. You lose track of the years when you're surviving. Mistake after mistake, but nobody ever taught you how to properly learn from your mistakes! I'm too afraid to tell anyone what I'm going through. There were so many failed attempts at crying for help. So many people are destroying me for being broken. I can't ask for help. I have to take care of myself! " That's right, take care of yourself. "
I learned that if you don't know how to properly take care of yourself, you'll never know how to understand the simplicity of life.
Isn't this a little much? I don't know. Those lines are blurred for me. Telling my story in anyway shape or form isn't pleasant, but I have to tell it. With the hope that someone somewhere sees this and can learn from my mistakes!
Those nights all alone. With an empty bottle of booze. Lost in my drunk mind listening to the walls speak. True isolation from the world. Fantasies danced through my mind, trying to remind myself of hope. In the end, those are just fantasies. Dreams I could never reach out and grab for myself. Hope turns to misery. Bottle after bottle now. My intake of alcohol is so high. It seems completely normal to me now. My friends and family who are still around are concerned. Concerned I'm drinking too much. Concerned I'm losing control. Oh, if you only knew how truly far I've fallen off the deep end.
I have no more care or concerns. Only death wishes by my side. So it begins. The drinking, smoking, drugs, sex and bad people to keep me company. The fights thrill me. The guns, the knives, the drugs, and the woman all have my mind perfectly distracted from all my problems.
Ehh, life. It's such a confusing brutal process. Don't worry, I'm doing much better now. I'm better than I ever have been. It just hasn't been an easy road, and I want to put it out there in my own way.