My Mostly Art Blog

It’s art and junk

[jayd-1230]

Life Update

Hi ! I don't know if anyone is going to read this but I recently remembered this blog and god is it depressing. Part of me wants to delete all the vent posts, I wrote most of them years ago and they kinda make me cringe now. On the other hand, it is nice to see how far I have come. I am doing a lot better now. I am a lot more sure of myself and a lot happier. I'm in my first year of college for civil engineering, I came out as a lesbian (except to my parents but I'll cross that bridge when I get to it), and I've still got some stuff to figure out but I've done therapy and gotten my anxiety under control,... TLDR lots of character development and growth :)

[jayd-1230]

Oh baby could you lie to me

Could you tell me there will be a day

where life will taste like sweet honey

Oh baby feed me ignorance

Make me forget

the bittersweet touch

Of the ones that we’ve loved

Oh baby lets us live in bliss

Cause I doubt im capable

of complete forgiveness

Tell me that the world is gone

Tell me that its not my fault

Tell me we wont be alone

Hold me like were not alone

Look me in the eyes

like our story

Could be like

any other romance

Baby will you lie to me

My mind will know the truth

But my heart wants to hold

on to deception

Oh baby could you lie to me

Tell me that my lips aren’t chapped

Tell me that my voice wont crack

And tell me that we’ll stay this way forever

Promise me we’ll stay in this moment

In this moment we pretend

That the world sees us not

As an irregularity

Promise that this love is pure

Lets act like a simple kiss

Will undo all the pain we’ve felt before

Oh baby could you lie to me

Could you tell me there will be a day

where life will taste like sweet honey

Oh baby feed me ignorance

Make me forget

the bittersweet touch

Of the ones that we’ve loved

Oh baby lets us live in bliss

Cause I doubt im capable

of complete forgiveness

Tell me that the world is gone

Tell me that its not my fault

Tell me we wont be alone

Hold me like were not alone

Tell me that the world is gone

Tell me that its not my fault

Tell me we wont be alone

Hold me like were not alone

Tell me that im not alone

Please

Lie to me

[jayd-1230]

All I do is take

And when I’ve had my fill

If it makes me sick

It will give me a reason to rest

Don’t let me go

Get drunk on all the space

Let go of the pain

Forget

Your taste

Like medicine

Like acid on sweets

And in my day dreams

I’ll use your name

And I’ll forget your face

But I’ll have someone to blame

We both left

But you don’t carry guilt like I do

Acrid fumes

And sweet perfume

And honey in your vinegar

Caught in a trap

Like a pest

Ready to take

To partake

To feast

On something new

Different from meals in decay

I will lay my eggs on the sour sweets

And my maggots will swim in honey

And they will be kinder than I am

But they will be pests

And they will be good

But they will taste like medicine

And they will learn to take

And they will fall in honey too

[jayd-1230]

Si el día de ayer no me soltabas

Por qué hoy debo estar sola

No puedo más

El dolor del viento en mi piel

La oscuridad de mi incomprensión

Dame la mano

Dime dónde caminar

Bailaré con mis pies sobre los tuyos

Por qué no me sé los pasos

No encuentro el ritmo

No soy capaz

Me pierdo en el sonido

En el ruido

En la luz

Que baje un ángel para darme dirección

Dime que reglas debo seguir

De que sirve

Que no me acuerde del último momento de niñez

Que no sea aparente el cambio

Que se lleve mis pensamientos

Que me deje dormir en los brazos de mis padres

Que baje mi guardia y que me diga que debo hacer

Por qué no confío en el?

Por qué no tengo la simplicidad de una respuesta?

Por qué no creo en el?

Por qué debo de crear me a mi misma?

[jayd-1230]

[jayd-1230]

Aren’t you afraid to be a whisper in the wind

Aren’t you afraid their eyes will only see

Distorted light

Aren’t you afraid of having the wrong name on your grave stone

Ill never be able to swallow the idea of the people around me grieving someone they didnt know

[jayd-1230]

[jayd-1230]

Im a bad liar. I can’t hide my feelings, not really.

I cry too easily and I get angry and defensive.

Im afraid of being hurt I’m afraid of being abandoned and I’m always afraid.

I don’t want to pretend that isn’t who I am. I don’t want to pretend I’m tough. I don’t want to pretend I can’t be affectionate. I don’t want to be angry because that’s the only “safe” feeling. I want to let myself be emotional and sensitive and I want to be accepted that way.

Maybe I’m greedy but I want to be around people who make me feel warm. I want to be around people I don’t have to be afraid to be emotional around.

When I was younger I always thought things would get better when I got older. I convinced myself age would make me stronger. But the older I get the more I am aware of myself, the more I am aware of how unreachable everything I want truly is and the more I am aware that I don’t fit in quite right.

Im more peaceful when I’m alone.

Truly I am.

But am I happy being this way? Or am I just used to it? Have I just convinced myself that that’s as much as I deserve?

I hope not. I hope I can forgive myself. I hope I can grow emotionally and mature enough to find my place in this world.

Maybe that means accepting there’s really no such thing as fitting in maybe that’s learning a different definition for the phrase maybe that’s changing into the kind of person I’d like to be friends with becoming someone who can navigate healthy relationships and friendships.

[jayd-1230]

I don’t know what to do

Have you guys ever sat down with yourself and realized you don’t like your friends?

In middle school I sat alone for the first part of the year and yet the worst part wasn’t being alone, it was the fact that I was hyper aware that everyone else saw that I was alone. I hated that. I felt like everyone was watching me and like I stuck out like a sore thumb. More than that I hated when strangers sat with me and talked with me with no other intention but to pat themselves on the back for being such a good person. I hate how they thought I was pitiful. I could tell because they’d be nice to me once and then never interact with me again.

I don’t want that anymore.

I don’t want to be alone.

But I don’t like my friends and sometimes it’s okay but other times I’d rather eat lunch or break alone. But I can’t stand the thought that others would notice,

that others would think me sad or pitiful for choosing to be alone.

Maybe I’m too sensitive or too emotional but I’m tired and I don’t know what to do I don’t want to be angry I don’t want to be hurt and I don’t know how to pull away from people without hurting their feelings but at the same time I feel stupid for worrying when they probably wouldn’t care either way

[dankmemeuniversity]

[jayd-1230]

rat

[jayd-1230]

ill be okay (again)

its like every time I pick myself back its only a little while before I fall again and that’s how we all live all of us desperate for any sort of distraction as old wounds fester and new ones bleed and none of us have time to heal in between

[jayd-1230]

All I see is red

[jayd-1230]

Maybe I’m afraid of being out of control

Maybe I’ve always felt kind of powerless

You told me I was weak and laughed at me for it

You told me I was a woman and pitied me for it

You watched me try and speak and yelled at me for it

Tell me who else could I be if you’d already decided who you wanted to be “me”

Children cry

Children complain

Children are weak and annoying

But

Children are innocent

Children are vulnerable

And children deserve nourishing

[jayd-1230]

Welcome to the circus

Cmon won’t you stay and watch a performance

He’s not our star

Or our money maker

But our clown oh he’s always been here

He likes to be the butt of the joke

And he can’t stop smiling unless he’s all on his own

Don’t mind him when he’s not wearing his makeup

We don’t like looking at him without the big red nose

Who knows what’s going on in there

The mind of a clown what interesting notion

[jayd-1230]

[jayd-1230]

A mother’s love is unlike any other

I want to write a love song

Worry about something as simple as romance

But I’ll never get the chance

Cause I’m always thinking about the love you gave me

And if it was love at all

How could you hurt somebody

Somebody who’s so small

She lives inside my head

Hiding from everything you said

Another year

Another layer forms around me

I grow taller

And she looks smaller

Than she ever did before