heartfelt lies

Even the poorest boy on the streets of London knows that nobody could ever love you.

[jaylcgan-blog]

aurorahadley:

“You’re not bloody sorry..” She huffed and rubbed her face gently. “I gotta go..study for a bit. Just wanted to find you to tell you, you were right. That was a godawful mistake.” 

“Just because you just got dumped, doesn’t mean you can come and take out your anger on me. I wasn’t the one who dumped you. Whatever. Now suddenly, I’m the asshole. Have a good day, I guess.”

[aurorahadley-blog]

“Yeah okay great thanks for making me feel better, Luxio.” She huffed. “They’re shit. I know now.” 

[jaylcgan-blog]

“You know I’ve never really been the sentimental type. Sorry.”

[aurorahadley-blog]

Roary shrugged a little. “Look maybe I just saw their true colors a bit more…vibrantly I guess..?” 

[jaylcgan-blog]

  “Things like this make me question your sanity. Everyone knew they were bad news.”

[jaylcgan-blog]

“Sometimes I feel like you’re not telling me everything.”

[jaylcgan-blog]

“It took a curse to figure out being with them was a colossal mistake? “

[jaylcgan-blog]

   “If you’re so unhappy-- why don’t you just break up with them?”

[jaylcgan-blog]

 “Cut the whole new year, new me shit. We all know you’re not going to change.”

[wolfskinncd]

Sorry, I’ve been so sick these past few days that I’ve done nothing but sleep when I’m not at work. Tomorrow I should have some time to be on here for at least a bit. 

[brxkenhart-blog]

She poked her wand further into his chest as she glared up at him.  “Do not test me,” she warned, then let her hand fall to her side, her grip tightening around her wand.  “You’re not allowed in the dormitories, regardless.  Even someone as daft as you should know that.  I can go fetch your brother, if you would like.”

[jaylcgan-blog]

  Jay wasn’t afraid. His father had done much worse than anyone could imagine. That’s what happened when you were the son of two former Death Eaters. Sometimes they had no mercy or shame. No fear to use certain means to educate their child. “I’m so afraid. It’s not the first time I’ve come in here and be sure it’s not the last time either but if you wish to make this so complicated, I can wait until you tell Luxio that I need to see him outside. It has to do with a certain potion he requires.” 

[brxkenhart-blog]

“This is my business, you daft git,” she shot back, raising her wand once more so it was pointing right at him.  “Tell me why you’re down here.  Now.”

[jaylcgan-blog]

   Jay walked up to her slowly, he stood in front of her and let her wand hit his chest. “Or what? You’ll hex me? Go for it. It wouldn’t be the worst thing to happen to me. I’m looking for my brother, if you MUST know. I have something I need to give him. Get out of my way.” 

[brxkenhart-blog]

“Then what are you doing down here?  You’re not a Slytherin.  You don’t belong down here.”

[jaylcgan-blog]

    “Brilliant observation, Sherlock. Why don’t you just bugger off and mind your own damn business, alright?”

[brxkenhart-blog]

harry potter verse open starter

“Take one more step and I’ll stupefy the bloody daylights out of you.”

[jaylcgan-blog]

   “What the bloody hell did I do to you? I don’t even know you.”

[jaylcgan-blog]

rose

their biggest downfall was failure to accept when they were wrong. part of the reason rose wanted to be with jay was because of how he didn’t treat her delicately - how he challenged her. 

but she felt every NERVE awaken at his words. she could never stand his self-hatred, his self depreciation. even when he was angry she saw constellations in his eyes; it was a habit she couldn’t rid herself of. 

“i don’t cling to ANYTHING” 

she threw it at him with venom clear on her tongue, hoping he would buy into her lies and knowing damn well that he wouldn’t. she had fallen hopelessly against her will to never let anybody in. she had failed and allowed herself to fail and it would result in the series of events rapidly falling out as they both said words they’d later regret. 

his chillingly steady voice coursed through her veins, stopping her in her tracks. she wanted to SCREAM in his face - how could he be calm at a time like this? when everything they’d built was crumbling before their eyes. she could feel the walls closing in on her, HIS WALLS. she could see exterior and no longer his heart, his mind, his feelings. 

“since when have you been able to dictate what’s good and what isn’t good for me, huh? i hate you sometimes because of how blind you are. stop being naive, i really liked you and you were a fucking GOOD THING.”

   Maybe he should’ve flinched when her words sounded as cold as ice but he didn’t. He kept trying to tell himself to walk away, he kept trying to convince himself it was better to hold his words back but his pride was stronger. He could recall the times his father left his mother mid screaming, saying how it wasn’t worth his time and damn-- how he wished he could be as cold sometimes. Yet, he couldn’t but fighting back wasn’t doing any good because he’d be damn before he just stood down apparently     Jay let out a long dragged out sigh, “Obviously not when I have you ready to pull your hair every few days. One moment, we’re okay and we’re at the top of the world despite all that we lack in this small apartment because we have each other and then the next moment, we’re holding knives to each other’s throats ready to cut at any moment! How is that any good, Rose? It’s not. There’s no wonder why your parents didn’t approve of me and with good reason. You should’ve listened to them. What are we even doing anymore?”    When Jay first met Rose, in that moment it was almost like it was clear that they were meant to have something but now he wasn’t so sure. Love isn’t supposed to hurt and it’s not supposed to leave them feeling like two broken pieces that just didn’t fit together anymore. Their love bites and tears at each other and they never give the wounds enough time to heal. Jay feels tears sting at his eyes because in some way, he could see his darkness wrapping it’s hands around her throat and God, he doesn’t want that. She was the only light he had left in his life. He closed his eyes and bowed his head, shaking his head, “I’m sorry.. I can’t-- we can’t keep doing this.”

[jaylcgan-blog]

rose

she hated him, she hated him, she hated him. she hated herself even more for lying about hating him. she hated herself for being weak, for letting him in, for ruining everything good that came in. she hated herself because she couldn’t bring herself to ever despise him.

                ❝ CAN’T YOU SEE THAT I FUCKING CAN’T HATE YOU? ❞               she screamed at him, it was mangled and loud, tearing her throat. 

it tore her apart to hear him say that he wasn’t good enough. it ripped her heart out to hear him admit it because she knew jay and she knew he would never just say that to anyone. it hurt that he thought she wanted someone who was GOOD ENOUGH. it was a bitter irony considering her entire life she’d strived to be the perfect daughter to her golden parents.

❝ do you even KNOW how it feels to have the media and the press follow your parents around because of something that happened nearly twenty years ago? do you know how it feels to be pitted against your mother, to be forced to compete for a title you never asked for? i’ve been called the brightest witch when i barely fucking know how to function in large crowds of people. people who i thought cared about me only cared about my surname. you want to know what it’s like not being GOOD ENOUGH? ❞ she sputtered it in one breath, feeling the heat rise in her cheeks. she hated saying this, she hated describing her deepest fears. 

❝ i of all people know what it’s like to never feel enough and the fact that you so much as think that i would EVER say you weren’t good enough is absurd. you were one of the        ❞ she paused, feeling the stupid lump in her throat and shutting her eyes.

                ❝ you were one of the best things. you were someone i could trust because                    i knew you wouldn’t just consider me as some kind of fragile flower or a- a                    fucking spin-off of my mother. ❞

she frustratedly let out a scream and began pulling at her hair.

                ❝ i want to loathe you. i want to. it would make things easier but i-i CAN’T ❞

   Jay bit on the inside of his lip and it was hard enough to draw blood. He was shaking from the anger that fueled his entire being. Anger because he didn’t want to allow himself to be hurt. Anger because it was so much easier to be angry than to be anything else. Jay knew he should be the bigger person. He knew he should walk off before this escalated anymore than it had to. He knew that it was best for him to walk away before they said anything else that could cause a bigger explosion than this and leave casualties in it’s path.     “Please-- are you going to use that your whole life? No-- Rose, I don’t know how hard it is to be you. I don’t know how hard it is to be the child of the brightest witch to ever grace Hogwarts and I don’t know what it’s like to be the child of war heroes. You have your war to fight as does everyone else! I refuse to sit here and play the who has it worst game because obviously--- you’re going to win this one. At least your parents loved you. Their biggest flaw was that they were well known and their names caused expectations to fall on you. I always told you, fuck what people think. Fuck them all because at the end of the day no one can make you feel inferior without your consent!”    And perhaps that was the other tragedy that Jay knew that and he knew how Rose’s opinion mattered to him and yet here he was. He looked down and closed his eyes tightly for a brief moment almost as if he opened them this would all be some nightmare and he would wake up with her looking at him strangely as to why he was up at such early hours of the day but when he opened his eyes, they were still here and she was still yelling. 

    “Perhaps that’s your flaw.” He looked away from her at this statement, “How you cling to those who are obviously anything but good to you.” His voice was too calm at this point, “It’s clear that I’m not the best thing that happened to you but the actual worst.”

[jaylcgan-blog]

rose

she couldn’t let him see her flinch when he hit the wall. she KNEW he’d never hurt her, but her fists were balled up so tightly, nails digging into her skin and causing little droplets of blood to form on her pale hands. 

❝ you’re a GODDAMN IDIOT. do you know we have neighbors and fucking other people in other flats? ❞

                                                 YOU’RE UNBEARABLE TO BE AROUND

she was unbearable to be around. FIGURED. she knew it’d be only a matter of time before he realized she was one big mistake. that she was too much for anyone to deal with, much less live with or -       god forbid       LOVE. 

she was too much to handle. too angry, too selfish, too demanding, too MUCH. she was more than a handful, and jay, the second person she’d trusted with her heart, shattered her trust. he confirmed her worst fears and she couldn’t help but reach for the fallen pieces.

she realized she’d been walking towards him when she stopped just inches away from his body. it was then when she realized how much smaller she was, how much emotion lay in his eyes. she hoped her eyes were as hard as stone. she couldn’t let him have that. 

❝ i loathe cowards. ❞

  “I don’t care! Let them hear! Let them know-- as if we don’t have to listen to all their banters and rants ourselves? As if they haven’t kept us up at the worst possible hours of the night!?” Jay turned to face her now.   The male shook his head and laughed. A bitter and cold laugh left his lips, “What? You think you’re too much? You think that I can’t handle you? The truth of the matter is Rose that I am tired of never being god damn good enough for you. The truth is that I am sick of always doing something wrong! The truth is that I am so done with not being able to please you because I am tearing myself apart and I am tired of it.”   It was a thing they had. Jay could see what was going on in her head clear as day as she could probably see what he was feeling in his eyes. It was like no matter what they did, they couldn’t hide from one another. Jay always felt like he was never enough for anyone. Everyone always wanted something else, something more and he always wound up stretching himself thin. 

   “Loathe me then, Rose. As if you didn’t enough already.” 

[tonights-thenight-blog]

[rosewevsley-deactivated20160313]

 @jaylcgan

her bones were on FIRE. every inch of her body was ablaze - it was typical to feel like you were melting or BURNING around him. she had levels of anger around jay. LEVEL ONE being the neutral, playful banter that is the spark and LEVEL FIVE being the white hot mess of molten lava spilling out of their unforgiving mouths, their tongues laced with gasoline igniting the flames. 

she was teetering on level four now, trying to make sense of things while keeping her guard up. he was heating up, she could hear it in the strain of his voice, and she was long past keeping her voice down. to hell with the neighbors. 

❝  i fucking DARE you to say that again. ❞ 

this was the end. she could feel it in her ears, heating up with every word he spat at her and every venom filled statement she stabbed him with. they knew how to TWIST the knife in each others’ spines better than anyone else.

 they were hurting each other because it was what they knew BEST.

[jaylcgan-blog]

  Jay was never one to sit quietly and let someone yell at him. Ever since he could remember the boy lacked a filter and when he spat venom, he let his poison make way to his victim’s heart without any care to offer an antidote. At the beginning this seemed like a good idea. The idea of moving in with her seemed like a dream come true. She made him a better person just as much as she made him into the monster that now stood before her.    His fists tightened at his side and while he was angry, he was scared because he didn’t want to be his father and mother but this was a repeat of it all over again except now he was part of it. This was happening to him and he wasn’t just watching it unfold. Jay scoffed at her statement as if he was scared to repeat himself.      “You’re unbearable to be around! What? You think I”m scared to repeat myself? Scared of you? Please, Rose. Everything is a fucking battlefield with you and I am tired of it!”     He tried to lower his voice but it ended up doing the opposite. Jay turned away from her because his ears were so hot and he was like a time bomb waiting for the final explosion. He walked over and without thinking his fist connected to the wall as he dragged his hands down his face. 

   “I can’t keep doing this anymore.”