hi i LOVE ur works im just wondering if we are still getting that jay f1 fic bcs ive been waiting for it... no pressure i know writing fics take a ling time ily🫶🏻
hi! yes you all are! i’ve just been a bit busy and i was working on the other fic so i stopped for some time, but i swear i’m actively working on it. it’s just a VERY VERY long fic. i’m 70 pages in and i’m no where near the end :) so if you love a long fic, this one’s for you!
RIGJT AFTER YOU JUST POSTED A HEESEUNG FIC A HOT MINUTE AGO TOO WHAT IN THE WORLD! 😭 say sike rn.
I KNOW????? i decided to post my first fic of 2026 and then he dipped immediately. i’m DEVASTATED, and very much still in denial. sending hugs to all hee stans :((
SYNOPSIS: New York City promised you a lot of things. Big opportunities, a better social life, a lavish city for you to explore, everything and anything but love. While you searched for this thing called ‘love’ by going on dates and being introduced to men after men, you continued to ignore the only person who you’ve always loved, your neighbour across the hall, Lee Heeseung. As you embarked on this journey through life, you realised you were letting him slip away from your grasp as you denied this very thing you longed for. But nothing was ever too late if only you’d face your fears and ruin the damn friendship.
PAIRINGS: non-idol!heeseung x afab!reader
GENRE: (two idiotic) best friends to lovers, fluff, angst, romance, slow burn, inspired by chandler and monica from 'FRIENDS' (tv show) and 'when harry met sally'
WARNING(S): profanities, mentions of alcohol, slight violence
WC: 23k
PLAYLIST: fresh out the slammer, ruin the friendship by taylor swift / a couple minutes, let alone the one you love by olivia dean / almost is never enough, my everything by ariana grande
AUTHOR'S NOTE: i'm ALIVE. happy 2026, sorry for the long wait because life's hectic. this has been in my drafts for a long time and i finally wrote it but ofc it ended up being over 20k lol. please leave a feedback and reblogs are greatly appreciated! muah xx
It’s been five years since you’ve moved to New York. The bustling city was overwhelming to say the least. Fast paced and filled with people of all kinds, settling in definitely took you some time. In those five years, you unexpectedly found yourself in a group of friends. As cliche as it sounded, you were convinced fate had set every one of you up in a peculiar way. From then onwards, the six of you have stuck together and terrorized the coffee shop as a spot for your daily hangouts.
Everything first started off when you moved into your new apartment. You were housing with a girl called Jennifer Huh, or better known as Huh Yunjin, a native New Yorker. She was easy to be friends with, having a natural outgoing personality, she helped you settle in easier than expected. Soon, you met her friend who lived nearby, Kim Chaewon, another bubbly personality added to the mix. The three of you naturally became an inseparable trio when there were way too many common interests shared between all of you.
Moving on from that, it didn’t take long before you met your neighbour too, the one that lived across the hall. Turns out, it was a man that occupied the apartment, seemingly being in the same situation as Yunjin was with the entire housemate hunt, but obviously, that changed when you came along. He, on the contrary, was stuck dealing with that trouble. His name was Lee Heeseung. He was kind, a little too handsome for your eyes to handle and had a mouth that spewed sarcasm like his life depended on it.
Heeseung was searching for a housemate too, but unlike Yunjin, he had a rougher experience with more failures than success. That luck soon changed when you came home to a bunch of boxes piled by the door of Heeseung’s apartment, another pretty face appearing to introduce himself as ‘Jay’, features strong enough to knock wind out of your lungs, matching his velvety smooth voice that would knock your panties off too. It took you and the girls a lot of courage to face Jay, who was deemed as the ‘handsome one’ without his knowledge.
“He won’t bite.” Heeseung snarkily whispered to the three of you when he saw you and your friends huddled into one corner of the couch in the coffee shop, listening to Jay’s complaints about his new job.
To make matters more interesting, Jay soon brought a new friend to the group, a fresh face to the city similarly to you. Sim Jaeyun, who actually insisted on being called Jake, was not only new to the city, but also the country. He was originally from Australia but moved to New York for his job. A cute, awkward guy that stumbled over his words from time to time, reminding you of a puppy, basically that summed him up as a whole.
From the comforts of your apartment to the coffee shop nearby, the six of you spent days, months, years together, not remembering the time where you’re not together, which was probably never. Fast forward to the present day now that years have passed, many have changed when it came to the world, but ultimately, your friendship remained.
“Do you guys still have milk?” you opened your door to a topless Heeseung, bed hair still present, unbothered by your judgemental eye roll as he followed you in.
“Well, good morning to you too,” you grumbled, getting back to your own breakfast.
“Morning,” he flashed a smile at you, then proceeded to dig through your fridge for the milk he came for. “Bingo,” he slammed the door shut, holding onto your box of milk victoriously.
Heeseung walked past you casually, heading towards the door only to stop in his tracks, turning his body to face you in a dramatic manner. You glanced up from your bowl of cereal, seeing the obvious question marks plastered on his entire face.
“Are you still going on that date with Marcus?” he pointed the milk at you, an eyebrow raised. The minor twitch of that same eyebrow didn’t go unnoticed, a quirk of his whenever he’s mildly annoyed. For whatever reason, you didn’t know. You brushed off your initial reaction to that detail, responding to him with an unimpressed stare.
“It's Mark,” you corrected through a mouthful of cereal, watching him slowly approach the table, leaning against the chair opposite of you. “And yes, I am. Aren’t you going on a date with that Jessica girl you met at the coffee shop?”
“I am,” he shifted uneasily on his feet, still maintaining that look in his eyes, the one that he has whenever he interrogates you at the mention of a date. It was rather unreadable, he tended to hide it pretty quickly once he realised you caught onto it. Heeseung and you were no strangers to each others’ love lives, constantly curious about potential dates, wishing to indulge purely out of interest. This time, however, Heeseung seemed to emit a much different intent than before. “That’s not important, though. So, what's Mark like?”
“Your date isn’t important but mine is? What? You want him instead?” you deadpanned, attempting to amuse him dryly, unable to understand the reason behind him suddenly prying into the information of your date when he would usually choose to spare listening to the details.
“I’m just … asking,” Heeseung shrugged, a 180 switch from one minute ago, acting as if he could care less, but the stiffness in his stance was telling you otherwise.
You finished the last of your breakfast, getting out of your seat to clean up, hearing Heeseung shuffling around behind you in your quiet apartment. “He’s nice, a decent guy with a funny humour, quite awkward, but also charming,” you described Mark to Heeseung, though you found it was rather simple and vague once you verbally said it out loud, not that you knew him more than that. “What about Jessica?”
Heeseung hadn’t expected you to turn his question on him. He was stunned for a moment, but was quick to recover himself. “She’s cute, really sweet, smart and works in a hospital,”
You nodded slowly, putting the dishes away before turning to face him, resting your hip against the counter. “Where are you taking this girl?”
“The restaurant down the street from the coffee house,”
“The Italian one? What a coincidence. Mark made a reservation at the Spanish restaurant across from it,”
“Of course he did,” Heeseung muttered inaudibly under his breath, just quiet enough for you to not catch onto his words. It only got him a very confused frown from you, your stance changing to rest a hand on your waist.
“What?”
He waved his hand dismissively at you, laughing lightly to distract you from his peculiar behaviour. “Nothing. Maybe we’ll run into each other tonight … or not,”
“Maybe,” you echoed, thinking about the several times you’ve actually ran into Heeseung in the middle of your dates and vice versa. You and him never had dates outside of the area, frequently going to places nearby, but bizarrely, you never question the coincidences if the two of you saw each other.
“I’ll see you later at the coffee house. I heard Jake has some news he wants to tell us,” Heeseung had his hand on the doorknob, ready to leave, his gaze on you unwavering. It was an early morning, yet there was something odd lingering in the air between you and him that you could not comprehend. When it comes to your conversations about dates with Heeseung, it has always been lighthearted discussions, unlike this time where you found yourself troubled and him acting out of character.
“See you, Hee,” you softly bid him a temporary goodbye, absentmindedly using a nickname that only you had reserved for him. He flashed you a quick smile before closing the door, leaving you alone to marinate in the aftermath of your short yet questionable conversation. The thoughts of him persisted for too long till the door to Yunjin’s room swung open, and you failed to notice it.
“Who was that?” her voice successfully brought you out of your daydreams, you could tell from her expressions that she had spotted your strange behaviour almost at once, reminding you to snap out of it and return yourself back to your senses. Call it morning grumpiness or a Heeseung shake up. “Was it Heeseung?” you couldn’t deduce if Yunjin was simply assuming it was him or she had guessed it accurately from the look on your face.
“Yeah,” you chose to feign ignorance, pretending you weren’t bothered by him or even the mention of his name.
Yunjin groaned deeply, rolling her eyes far enough that it might’ve gone to the back of her head. “Did he take our milk again?”
The morning rolled by without either of you bringing up Heeseung’s name once more. As usual, when lunch time came around, the entire group was present at the coffee house, crowding the designated spot, all of you arriving from each of your offices, waiting for Jake to spill his burning hot news.
“So, what’s the big announcement, Jakey boy?” Yunjin sipped on her hot tea, eyeing Jake sharply as he set his briefcase down, the tailored suit hugging his figure perfectly.
“I got offered to teach at NYU!” Jake almost jumped at the announcement, looking as though he had been holding that information in for ages. The group cheered in sync, yelling a collection of congratulations, each one of you taking turns to hug him out of genuine shared excitement. “I’ll be an engineering professor, isn’t it crazy?”
“That’s great, Jake!” Chaewon was the last to hug him, patting him enthusiastically on the back while she made sure her coffee didn’t spill over. She set her mug down, eyes lighting up at an idea that seemed to have appeared in her mind. “How about we go out and celebrate?”
Jake beamed at her suggestion, his answer was already written all over his face. “We should. Shouldn’t we, guys? What about dinner tonight?”
Heeseung glanced at you, meeting your knowing gaze, a mutual understanding passing through the two of you. He turned to Jake, hating to ruin the moment for just a split second. “Sorry pal, Y/N and I have dates tonight. How about tomorrow night?”
“You two are finally going on a date?”
The atmosphere around the group stilled, everyone stopped whatever they were doing, halted mid drink or bite, just to stare at you and Heeseung. Worst part of all, they didn’t even bother questioning Jake’s obvious error. You were sure every one of them had heard and understood Heeseung clearly, but instead, they chose to go with Jake’s misinterpretation.
“What?” Speaking in sync wasn’t entirely helping your case either. You and Heeseung exchanged incredulous glances, facing your group of friends after with nothing but an obvious look of ‘are you kidding me‘, as though their foolishness were incomprehensible to you and Heeseung.
“Wait, you’re not going on a date together?” Jake threaded the waters carefully, shrinking into his seat in embarrassment, contrary to the rest, who perked up in overwhelming interest.
“We’re not going on a date together, not with each other,” Heeseung corrected, sighing loudly out of his flaring nostrils.
“We have dates scheduled with other people. I’m going out with Mark, remember the guy I was saying—”
“Oh! The cute guy from my marketing department!” Chaewon jogged her memory, remembering the details better than Heeseung did. Speaking of him, he was fortunate enough to avoid getting caught rolling his eyes at the mention of your date, a minor detail that went a long way.
“That’s right, Chae, thank you,” you nodded at her, smiling sweetly. “Heeseung’s going out with … who’s she again?” You flashed an apologetic look at him, though it wasn’t convincing. You did remember her name, you were just doing this out of spite, and yes, you were aware of Heeseung glaring at you.
“Jessica,”
“The one with the big tits?” Jay spoke his mind a little too freely, garnering a collective questionable look from the group. He merely shrugged, not one ounce of regret seen in his expressions.
“No, the one with a big heart,” Heeseung grumbled, the sarcasm in his comment remained as per usual.
“Well, we thought—”
“We thought nothing,” Yunjin cut through Chaewon’s words quicker than the speed of light, shooting her a warning glare that you might need to read into after. You and Heeseung couldn’t understand what they meant, neither did the two of you notice the wary looks exchanged between your friends. It was the exact feeling of getting left out of an inside joke, but it was less stinging to know you had Heeseung with you in that experience. “Anyway, should we set dinner for tomorrow night?”
As if on cue, everyone responded with unanimous agreement, brushing past the prior topic without a second thought. You figured it was strange how your friends had reacted to the very ridiculous idea of you and Heeseung going on a date with each other. Plus, what did Jake mean with ‘finally’? Weren’t you and Heeseung just friends, the same way it was with the others?
Hypothetically speaking, if you were to go out on a date with him, what’s so wrong with that?
For that night, to everyone’s disappointment, you already had a date, and his name was Mark. You decided to shake the thoughts away until you were standing by the entrance of your apartment, waiting for your date’s arrival so that you two could walk down to the restaurant together. It was an arrangement you purposely requested, thinking a walk would add some spice to it.
“Hey,”
You didn't need to turn to find out who it was that appeared. From the voice alone, including the warm presence you felt, you concluded that Heeseung had made his presence known. He stood next to you, hands in his pockets, decked out in a sleek suit.
“Hey. You're all dressed up,” you reached over to fix his tie, straightening it to make sure it wasn’t crooked. After all, a good impression was important. “And, you finally know how to tie your own tie,”
“I always knew how to do that,” Heeseung argued back, though it was a weak argument, knowing you had struck dead on a bullseye.
“No, you don't,”
“Yes, I do,”
“Then who’s been the one tying it for you whenever you mess up? Jay?”
Heeseung breathed sharply through his nose, realising you had the last word, but he didn’t mind, a smile proved it, just from thinking about the memories of you fixing his every fucked up tie. “It’s you,”
“That’s right,” you saw that smile of his stretched across his lips, the suddenness of your heart jumping at the sight made your hand fall from his tie, your expressions unknowingly faltering. You recovered yourself in an instant, relieved that Heeseung hadn’t caught onto it. “Are you waiting here too?”
“I’m heading to the restaurant, we’re meeting there. Is your date coming? We can walk together if you’d like,”
“I’d love to, but we’re meeting here,” you softened at his suggestion, noting the hint of disappointment in your tone that you hoped he didn’t notice. There was a short moment of silence that neither you nor him minded, just taking in each other’s presence. “Thanks, Heeseung,”
Heeseung smiled, but it didn’t reach his eyes like it always did. Despite the noises surrounding you, whether it was people talking or the traffic of the busy city, in that moment, you only had each other in focus. “No problem. See you tomorrow?”
You nodded, reaching your hand over again to give him a slightly encouraging squeeze to the shoulder. “I’ll see you tomorrow. Good luck,”
“You too.”
Meeting Mark started off great, the walk to the restaurant had gone according to plan, you managed to get to know more about this guy in Chaewon’s marketing department. He loved cycling, had a cat, lived in the upstate area, basically an ideal recipe for a good boyfriend. You knew you could trust Chaewon’s taste.
Dinner had a slow start to it. You listened to Mark talking about his latest discoveries of restaurants nearby, liking how he carried himself, especially when he spoke of his interests that only made him more interesting. Maybe, just maybe, there was a chance that this would break your ‘first date curse’, that there’d be an actual second date waiting for you.
However, you were wrong, so wrong.
By the time dessert was served, you thought your ears were about to fall off from Mark’s continuous rant about his ex girlfriend. At first, it began with only a simple mention of her, eventually it turned into an emotional spiel, then finally, he decided to close the night off with confessing his longings for her, which beats the entire purpose of the date and ruined your appetite for dessert.
You didn’t bother for him to walk you home, you figured you needed alone time to sort out your afterthoughts about the disastrous date. The moment you bid him goodbye, you knew there was no next time, surely you weren’t going to bump into him either. Once he disappeared around the corner, you found the courage to move, but as you were about to turn and leave, you spotted another figure across the street.
Heeseung.
Likewise, he had seen you at the same time that you did, meeting your eyes almost instantly. You couldn’t help frowning, noticing the lack of his date’s presence, questioning why he was alone just like you were. It didn’t take him another second before he crossed the road skillfully, dodging the traffic as if it was nothing. He appeared right in front of you within a blink of an eye, wearing the brightest smile that resembled the stars in the night sky.
“Didn’t think I’d see you tonight,” you said truthfully, thinking the interaction you had with him before the date was going to be the last time you saw him until the next day. Little did you know, fate had other things set in motion for you and him.
“I thought so too. I’m glad I got to see you though,” he was genuine, you could tell, his smile remained on his face softly, as if your presence was enough to evoke one from him. “How’s your date? Has he left?”
“Don’t talk about my date, it was another disaster,”
“Was he married again?”
“What—no! God, no. I don’t think I can handle it if it happened again,” you shook your head harshly, mostly trying to physically shake the thoughts from your head. You swallowed, uncomfortably shifting on your feet. “He was talking about his ex,”
“Ouch!” Heeseung exclaimed, dramatically placing a hand on his chest.
“I know!”
“The worst kind of date to have,”
“Tell me about it. I had to sit there and hear him yap about her and how she’s a bitch, but then she’s suddenly an angel that he lost,”
His eyebrows furrowed, a frown pulled at his lips, the same one he had whenever a waiter got his order wrong. He clicked his tongue, shaking his head gently. “You know what he truly lost? You,”
You searched his eyes for the truth, terrified he was lying through his teeth, that he was saying things to make your heart jump just for it to be all in your head. “You’re only saying that to make me feel better,”
“I've never lied to you, Y/N,” there, in the middle of a sidewalk, in his suit, Heeseung confessed his thoughts, the moon illuminating the honesty hidden behind his eyes, highlighting the truth laced in his words. “You looked beautiful tonight,”
“Thank you,” you had to ignore the feeling of warmth creeping up your cheeks, hoping—no—praying the darkness managed to cover it. “How was your date? I don’t see her anywhere,”
Heeseung pulled a face, shoulders stiffening at the mention of his night, which gave the clear impression that it didn’t turn out well. “She’s … I don’t know. I didn’t click with her, unfortunately. I don’t think she was interested either, honestly. We went our own ways after, that’s it,”
“Oh, Heeseung,” you winced, making a face that screamed ‘yikes’, causing him to click his tongue in annoyance.
“Don’t start the pity party, it was mutual,” he reached for your arm, pulling you to walk with him, starting your journey back to the apartment. You couldn’t explain it, but the usual route back home became more comforting with him by your side. “I think I might lay off the whole dating thing for a while and focus on work,”
“When was the last time you got laid?”
Heeseung turned to look at you with his mouth hung open midway, partially offended but also shocked at the fact that you dared to ask a question knowing it targeted his already weakened pride. This wasn’t the type of topic the two of you would shy away from, the years of being friends amounted to many awkward instances that trained either of you to turn insensitive to things others would view as taboos in friendships consisting of opposite genders.
You raised an eyebrow, prodding him to answer your question. He rolled his eyes dramatically, exhaling a long, exhausted sigh. All this and he would call you the ‘drama queen’. “Almost three months ago,”
“A-ha! No wonder you said that,” you pointed an accusatory finger at him, nearly cackling in his face. “Men who say they ‘give up’ on dating are usually the ones that are fumbling their chances with a girl time after time. Is that not you?”
“Ouch?” he placed a hand on his chest, mocking a bullet to his heart, feigning a devastated frown to earn pity points from you. Spoiler alert, it failed, because all you could do was laugh at him, ticking him off further. “It’s not my fault I can’t click with anyone. They’re not …” Heeseung bit his tongue at the realisation of almost completing his sentence with ‘you’, the word coming to him in an instinct he didn’t bother to question. Shaking the thought away, he decided to omit it, burying it down in the pits of his abdomen. “They’re not the kind of people that share the same values as I do, you know?”
“I know,” you nodded slowly, wearing a small smile, somewhat relating to him on various levels. The date with Mark being a sinking ship was clear evidence. “I’m not having any luck in that department either. Look at us tonight,” you met his eyes, sharing a mutual understanding, one that neither of you needed to communicate, resulting in a fit of laughter, self-deprecating and wildly targeted at yourselves.
“It just means not yet,” by the time he said that, the both of you had already arrived on the doorsteps of your apartments, conveniently across from each other. It sounded close to a promise of the future, the conviction in his voice nearly convinced you. You hummed in response, contemplating his words, quietly pondering if the day where you’d find love would come. Movies depicting New York as the city where love resided gave you a sense of false hope when you got here. Now years later, you were slapped in the face with the reality of its dating pool.
Choosing to move past the topic of love and dating, you decided to bring up a much more relevant question that’s been bugging you since you saw him earlier on. “Are you coming over for breakfast tomorrow? I'm making pancakes,”
“Are they better than Jay’s?”
“Probably not, but I swear I’ll put butter on top instead of whip cream, the way you like it best,”
“You know me too well,”
You smiled. Of course you did. “Goodnight, Heeseung.”
“Goodnight, Y/N.”
Neither of you dared to reach out to hug the other, it was evident that the both of you wanted to, but unexplainably so, you were too afraid to. Maybe it was the sudden switch in the atmosphere that you couldn’t pinpoint accurately. All you knew was that you could feel his gaze linger on you even as you entered your apartment, feeling his warmth in the empty apartment of yours.
“Heeseung was here for breakfast this morning,”
In your shared living room with Yunjin, she happened to be bringing up some minor details of the day to Chaewon. The three of you were getting ready for Jake’s celebratory dinner at a fine dining restaurant uptown. It would only be fair if you got to prepare yourselves together, choosing the best dresses and gossiping about the latest scandal, except it somehow redirected to you.
“And you got home pretty late last night too,” Yunjin pointed a finger at you, two pairs of eyes turned to look at you, expecting at least a pinch of explanation for a link between these two situations. Shrugging, you couldn’t understand what Yunjin was trying to get out of this, or you were pretending not to know where it was going.
“I had a date with Mark, remember?”
“Nuh-uh,” Yunjin chastised, clicking her tongue, and wagging her finger. Chaewon, on the other hand, scratched at her head, closely observing Yunjin’s thorough investigation. “He’s not the one who walked you home. You would always invite your dates in for coffee, but you didn’t last night, so it means the date failed,”
Right, you didn’t need another reminder from Sherlock Holmes telling you that the only date you had in several months ended up in a ditch. “Okay! Yes, my date with Mark didn’t go as planned,” you threw your arms up in surrender, hoping to move on from your misery, thus choosing to come clean against your will. You moved from the kitchen table to fling your body onto the couch, the bottom of your shirt riding up your hip. “I bumped into Heeseung, then we walked home together, that’s all,”
Yunjin and Chaewon exchanged a knowing glance instantly, as if it was on instinct, leaving you completely out of the loop. They got up from their respective positions and joined you on the couch, one on each side, closing in on you with questions written all over their faces. “That’s … all?” Chaewon added, sounding either hopeful or skeptical, a blurry line between the two,
“Yes,” you affirmed, scoffing humorously at your friends’ ridiculous behaviours. “What?” you turned your head from one to the other to give both of them a curious frown, unable to gauge their thoughts. Whatever they were, they weren’t good, nor were they going to make your frown turn upside down.
“Are you wearing Heeseung’s shirt?” Yunjin pointed at the graphic tee you had on, fooling nobody as it obviously was not fitted for you. To dig your grave deeper, your friends believed you weren’t a fan of Star Trek either, hence the shirt with a large print of Spock made no sense. “He came in asking if he left it here,”
“I borrowed it, that’s it,” you presented your point, but Yunjin and Chaewon weren’t pleased. They were nowhere near satisfied, and it seemed they were willing to go lengths just to squeeze an answer or any semblance of information out of you whether you liked it or not. Your friends were crazy. Period. A fact you had known since the beginning.
“What is Heeseung to you, Y/N?” Yunjin propped her elbows on her knees, chin rested on her palms, staring expectantly at you through her eyelashes.
“Huh?” One question from Yunjin suddenly had the power to wipe off every thought from your head, mind as blank as a sheet of paper. If anything, it was panic that set in.
“You heard her, Y/N,” Chaewon nudged you, seeing through your act of ignorance. Obviously she would, she knew you the best when it came to your feelings. “What’s it between you and Heeseung?”
“He’s my friend—my best friend,” you emphasised on ‘friend’ as though it was successfully helping your point. It was a fact either way. Heeseung was your best friend, he has been for the last five years, your first official friend slash neighbour since moving to the city. He was just that, just Heeseung, nothing more.
“Men and women can’t be just friends,” Yunjin argued, supported by Chaewon who was nodding fervently next to you.
“You know you’re friends with men too, right?” you squinted at her doubtfully, her idea completely defeated the purpose of your own friendgroup.
“I know, we’ve already gone through it,” Yunjin nodded over to Chaewon, her nodding becoming more pronounced, a hushed ‘yeah’ escaped her breath, filled with partial guilt.
“Excuse me?”
“Alright, maybe Chaewon and I had some … past encounters with Jay and Jake, but none of them turned into anything. Oh, God forbid,” Yunjin brushed past your stunned silence, not batting an eye at your face frozen in shock, such information being exchanged before a dinner with said friends wasn’t good for your wellbeing. “It proves my point. Even if nobody says it outwardly, it’s a known fact,”
“There are platonic friendships,” you argued, knowing it was weak, and you were also losing. However, you were standing firm that you and Heeseung were nothing more than friends, close, good friends that understood each other well. That’s it.
“Explain ‘When Harry Met Sally’,” Chaewon was actually using one of your favourite rom-coms against you, you couldn’t believe it, this was total betrayal. How could a movie with Meg Ryan and Billy Crystal be a reflection of your life? That’s far-fetched. “They didn’t like each other at first, but they eventually became friends, then realised they loved each other—not platonically,”
“Come on, that’s a movie,”
“It’s an example for your case,” Yunjin poked your shoulder, tilting her head to one side, presenting her puppy eyes to you. Unfortunately for her, you weren’t letting yourself get convinced by their crazy theories and philosophies. Standing up from the couch, you put your foot down—quite literally so.
“Guys, Heeseung and I will never be more than just friends, that’s crazy. I’m sure the others don’t share the same ideas as you two,” your laugh gradually died down when you saw the looks on their faces, telling you that your two other friends did think you and Heeseung could cross the lines of friendship. “Nevermind. Still, it’s impossible. He’s never once given me signs that he likes me that way,”
“I’d like to disagree,” Yunjin raised her hand, Chaewon following suit.
“Me too,”
You chose to dismiss them, clapping your hands together, staring down at them with your lips pressed tightly together. “Agree to disagree. And I’ll move on. My point is, we’re friends, end of story. There’s no way it’ll happen. Ever,”
“This is going to end up biting you in your ass, Y/N,” Yunjin seemed a bit more serious this time, genuine concern laced in her tone, the crinkles in between her eyebrows showed her thoughts without verbally expressing them.
“Not if nothing happens and everything stays the same. I’ll come out unscathed,” you sounded determined, though your heart and mind were the complete opposite, but you ignored them for now, uncertain how long you could continue to do so. “I’ll prove it to you that we’re just friends,”
“How?” Chaewon shared the same doubts as you did, except you were much better at hiding them.
“You’ll see,”
Coincidences were frightening. At that moment, there came a series of knocks on your door that you recognised in a matter of seconds. Your neighbours, Heeseung and Jay, were ready to leave for the scheduled dinner. They seemed to know when and how to make their presence known as usual. It would be believable if someone told you they’ve been listening behind the door all along, but you figured that’d be your nightmare that night instead of it being reality.
“Are you guys ready?”
Exchanging frantic glances, the three of you burst out laughing at the so-called ‘divine timing’. You were quick to shush them in order to lower any suspicions from the other end. Giggles were hard to stifle completely, most of which stemmed from your two giddy friends. You picked up your clutch from the coffee table, ready to run to your room to change. The other two hopped off the couch to make finishing touches to their makeup.
“Be there in a few minutes!”
Trying to ignore your friends’ claims of you and your guy best friend potentially being a thing wasn’t easy, not when he was seated next to you throughout dinner.
God damn it.
“…and that is how I secured the job. I still can’t believe it,” Jake finished his lengthy story, explaining the entire process that got him his new position at NYU. A few glasses of wine in, every one of you were far from being completely sober. Well, that was excluding Jake and Heeseung, the default duo that avoided drinking and had the responsibility of looking over the group.
“So, what’s your lesson plan?” Chaewon chewed on her piece of french fries obnoxiously, showing actual curiosity about his job while Jay and Yunjin were engrossed in refilling each others’ cups with more wine. That left you and Heeseung to yourselves, both of you had already disassociated from the earlier conversation (sorry, Jake).
“Are you okay?” Heeseung looked over at you, noting your unusual silence since the start of dinner. Normally, you would be grateful for how observant he was, that he wouldn’t miss a single chance to check in on you if he noticed something was off. This time, however, he was the last person you wished to be conversing with.
“Peachy,” you raised your wine glass at him before drinking a sip out of it, eyes widening just a fraction behind the glass. Yunjin and Chaewon truly set you up for failure by dropping a bomb on you. Now, you’re stuck trying to be normal around Heeseung with a different perspective compared to hours ago. “Just thinking,”
“About?”
You. Lee Heeseung. Honesty wasn’t always the best policy, thus you blurted out the second thing you had in mind. “‘When Harry Met Sally’,”
Heeseung blinked for a few beats, realisation gradually setting in, a breathy chuckle left his lips. He shook his head in disbelief, not understanding your craze around that movie. What did he know about the superiority of friends to lovers trope anyway? “Don’t tell me you’re on your—what—tenth rewatch?”
“It’s my twelfth, actually,” you corrected sharply, holding a finger up. You took another bigger gulp of wine when Jay filled your cup, both him and Yunjin were on the way to getting drunk from finishing nearly the entire bottom themselves. “The best romance movie made of all time, period,”
“Over ‘Grease’? ‘The Princess Bride’? Oh, ‘Dirty Dancing’? Those are our favourites,” Heeseung gasped, sounding betrayed by your choice of romance movies. You didn’t miss the hidden detail where he stressed on the movies he listed were ‘our’ favourites. Not ‘mine’, but ‘our’, as in you and I. God, you wished you were less aware of every tiny aspect about what he said or did.
“You’re only saying that because I made you watch ‘When Harry Met Sally’ ten times out of my twelve rewatches, and you’re sick of it,”
“I am sick of it,”
“But if I invited you over for the thirteenth rewatch as a movie night, you’d come, wouldn’t you?” you leaned closer to him, wearing a cheeky smile to tease him even more. He gave you one of his classic eye rolls, trying to come off as annoyed only for the grin on his lips to sell him out.
“Of course I would, you know that,” he flicked your forehead softly, pulling a humorous laugh from you. You’ve always been easily amused by him. Heeseung kept his gaze on you, hiding his smile with his glass of water which he was drinking out of.
“Y/N!” Jay semi-shouted from across the table, getting many shushes from your friends, yet his tipsy state meant he was extra shameless, so he continued to wave at you. “Let me pour you another glass!”
You slid him your almost empty wine glass, watching him pour you an obscene amount of wine. What didn’t help was you meeting Yunjin’s eyes, and you could clearly read the message she was trying to convey with a single raise of her eyebrows, alongside the slight nod to the person next to you. You had a feeling she was keeping a close watch on you the whole night.
Taking your glass back, you stared at it with an expression that could only be described as dreadful delight. Sure, you were more than happy to indulge in expensive Italian wine, but the thought of the aftermath usually pained you more than the initial pleasure. After all, you would admit being a lightweight contrary to the constant denials that you were not one. Your drinking records and history would betray you immensely.
“If you can’t drink that much, I can help,” Heeseung, your knight in shining armour, butted in to lend you a helping hand. But it wasn’t his first day knowing you. You weren’t someone who would go down without a fight. He had to learn it the hard way in the past, so if he were to give a stance on this, he chose to step away from stopping you.
“I can handle it,”
“Are you sure?”
“I’m very sure, don’t worry.”
Turns out, you couldn’t handle it, and your assurance was for nothing. The restaurant probably hated you and your friends for stumbling out, slurring incoherently, only two out of the six were visibly sober, bearing the burden to carry all of the others away from the place and into two separate cabs. The usual plan was enforced. Jake would bring Chaewon home, while Heeseung had to deal with dumb, dumber, and dumbest.
Don’t even get Heeseung started on how he managed to get the three of you up the flight of stairs in the apartment building. It was a miracle all of you were just heavily tipsy, and not full on drunk, that would be a tale for another day. He made sure Jay got into their apartment before escorting you and Yunjin back to yours. Yunjin muttered a grateful ‘thanks’ to him then disappeared into her room, which meant it was you and Heeseung together again. Alone.
“I had a fun night,” you twirled around in his arms, breaking into a song out of nowhere, the alcohol in your system visibly getting to you. The lyrics of your favourite ABBA song was being jumbled up in your mouth, Heeseung doing his utmost best to correct you as he stifled his laughter. “We should have another dinner party,”
“We will. Once everyone is sober,” he had his hand on your back, guiding you towards the couch, placing a bunch of pillows behind you. His patience was commendable. You settled into your seat, appreciating the warmth coming from his side, his shoulder pressed against yours. The comfort of his presence resembled a warm hug on a rainy day, enveloping you in constant assurance. It was something that could never get old. You leaned your head on his shoulder, snuggling closer to him.
“Remember our first trip to the beach?” You reminisced about the time when you and the others packed up for the weekend to head to the beach, courtesy of Chaewon’s aunt allowing every one of you to stay at her beach house. That trip alone was a key factor to your long lasting friendship, witnessing the highs and lows of your friends while they also watched yours, and that was barely an exaggeration.
Heeseung nodded slowly, curious to where your babbling was going. “What about it?”
“I still think about us on the beach—I meant the both of us—when we walked on the shoreline, collecting seashells. I think that is one of my favourite memories ever,” your eyelids were getting heavy, every word was uttered with whatever power left in you. Heeseung took a peek at you, smiling at your serene state.
“It’s one of mine too. I remember all the sunsets and sunrises there. It was beautiful … unforgettable,” Heeseung could go on and on about that weekend spent there, it was the first trip you and your friends took as a group, one of the most chaotic trips as well. But it also happened to be the time where Heeseung realised he viewed you differently from the rest. “I still have the picture I took of you and the sunset,”
You were partly clear-headed at that moment, stunned by the memory he brought up out of the blue. He had never once forgotten about it, neither did you. Most importantly, it was how he said it which made your heart experience sensations you hadn’t felt in a long time. This was Heeseung, your Heeseung, a friend and a brother figure, there shouldn’t be anything more than that, should it? “And I have the seashells we collected together,”
Heeseung’s expressions softened, his lips twisted into a smile full of nostalgia, recalling the memory fondly as if it had just happened a few weekends ago. If he closed his eyes tightly for a minute, he may be transported back to then. The sound of the sea waves, the smell of the salty breeze, your laughter taking space in his mind. He was grateful his face wasn’t fully in view for you to see in case his eyes turned against him. He might’ve been silent, but his gaze spoke for him. Longing and missing the absence of the burden of carrying his heavy feelings.
“Heeseung,” you called out his name, breaking the thick silence, startling him awake from his trance-like state. He twisted his neck slowly to look at you, inspecting you closely in search of any troubles. Your stoic face seemed to not give anything away.
“Hm?”
“I think I need to puke,”
The calmness behind that statement managed to evoke sheer alarm in Heeseung. He was about to jolt out of his seat when he remembered you were leaning on him. As gentle as he could, he removed your head from his shoulder, pulling you up from the couch with him, holding onto you carefully.
“Let’s do that in the bathroom, shall we?”
“I don’t think I’m drinking again, Hee,”
“You say that every time you drink,”
The urge to release all your discomfort came rushing when you regurgitated the night’s contents into the toilet bowl. You were kneeling on your bathroom floor, bent over the toilet bowl, puking in intervals, looking absolutely pathetic, all while Heeseung held onto your hair. He never complained, treating it as another night stuck with a drunk you. Now that you were much more stable than before without nausea knocking on your door little by little, you were stuck on the thought of whether your puking episode was induced by the alcohol or Heeseung as a whole.
Holding onto that thought in mind, you collapsed onto the ground from fatigue, sitting slouched against your bathroom walls, feeling ten times lighter and a million times better. Heeseung knelt before you, holding onto either side of your head as it kept lolling back. Sleep was evidently getting close to you, the fluttering of your eyelids revealed your tiredness without a doubt. You forced your eyes open, instantly staring into his, a gleeful smile involuntarily appearing on your face. If Yunjin and Chaewon saw you then, you would be a goner, your attempt to prove them wrong would be redundant.
“Why are you so good to me?”
“I don’t know how not to be. It’s easy when it’s you,” Heeseung gently pressed your cheeks together, chuckling under his breath at your mildly irritated expression. He probably thought it was due to him playfully teasing you by squeezing your face, but in actuality, you were bothered by his words, how he said them without any hesitance as though it was second nature. None of it was as casual as he made it out to be.
Heeseung’s eyes flickered, gradually recognising what had actually left his lips as it slowly settled in, causing him to clear his throat, swallowing thickly. “Because that’s what friends do,”
The changes in your microexpressions were swift, face falling with a frown etching itself into your skin, all of which were barely noticeable if not scrutinized upon, but knowing Heeseung, you had a feeling he might’ve caught onto it at first glance. You couldn’t explain the disappointment burning into your bones once you registered what he said, the cut only went deeper knowing it came personally from him, not the voices screaming in the back of your mind. Shooting you possibly hurts less.
It was what you wanted, wasn’t it? To establish you and him were purely friends and nothing more. That was the whole point of your conviction to your own friends, it would be embarrassing to go back on it. But why were you sorely unhappy when he himself claimed that you and him were friends? Till the point where it was causing you uncontrollable sorrow that you had to push his hands away, using the walls as support to get yourself off the ground.
Severely caught off guard, Heeseung tried to help you in the process of standing up, though it wasn’t much when you got on your own two feet by yourself. Great, you felt the nauseating feeling in the back of your throat returning, only this time, you were certain it was caused by Heeseung. Speaking of Heeseung, you were met with his utterly perplexed yet worried look twisted in his tired face, wordlessly begging for answers that you couldn’t seem to provide.
“It’s getting late, and you’re tired. I can manage,” you opened the bathroom door, exiting through it while still facing Heeseung, hoping you wouldn’t get betrayed by your feet while walking backwards foolishly. “See? I can walk perfectly fine—”
Scratch that.
You spoke too soon. As always. Another step taken backwards, your foot landed in an odd direction, which instantly caused you to lose your balance. Despite his exhaustion after a long night, his senses were constantly on high alert, hand flying out to grab onto your forearm, stopping you from falling back. To make things worse, he yanked onto your arm, pulling you into him without considering your frail state of mind and body, explaining your current position of your hands propped against his shoulder.
“Still clumsy,” Heeseung attempted to break the silence with a lighthearted jab, which may have backfired a little when you continued to be unresponsive, silently staring at him with your mouth slightly ajar. The proximity wasn’t helping your prior mental war with yourself either. The concoction of intoxication and incoming hormone fluctuations were actively going against you as you battled with attraction and horror. You chose to respond to the horrifications created in your mind instead of the other.
“Not a single scratch,” you removed yourself from his hold for another time that night, chuckling nervously, your breath itself was also shaky. Definitely not helping your case. “Thanks again,”
“It’s alright,” no sarcastic comments, no targeted digs at you, no usual Heeseung-like behaviour, it was purely him. Earnest and serious, another side of him that he wasn’t afraid to reveal to you.
“That’s what friends do, right? Saving each others’ asses,” you weren’t in your right mind, it was evident when you said that and proceeded to punch Heeseung lightly on his shoulder to cover up your embarrassment. Heeseung wasn’t entirely thrilled after hearing that. It could be your eyes deceiving you, but you swore there was a flash of solemnness taking over his face at one point. He had the same look as the time he got heartbroken by his cat going missing.
“Right, friends,” he repeated that word with enough sourness to make others think he had issues socialising growing up, giving people the impression that he had an agenda against friends. The air in your apartment was turning stuffy by the minute, it was practically calling for you to force windows open because you were far from breathing properly. He released a sigh under his breath, taking a step to the side, his gaze stuck to his shoes. “I think I should get going now. Wash up and sleep. There’s medicine in your bedside table if you forget,”
“See you in the morning, Hee.” you couldn’t bear to follow him to the door, it was as though your body failed to comply with your mind completely. It was your pair of eyes that went after him, closely watching his every move to the door. He spared you one last look, not even a single smile that he would usually have whenever he’s at the door or at the mention of his nickname. Just like that, he was gone, and you were there staring blankly at your door, heart dropping to your abdomen for reasons you couldn’t come to terms with.
What have you done?
“Does this match the curtains?”
You were standing in the middle of the furniture and home decor section of Bloomingdale’s with Heeseung next to you. It was conveniently a Saturday evening right before a dinner plan at your apartment with your friends, but unlike any other Saturdays, it was your birthday. As a way to celebrate, you decided to treat yourself to new additions to your apartment’s decor, not without Heeseung’s presence though. Truthfully, it was an unconventionally weird way to celebrate yourself, but Heeseung was used to it, rather desensitized if he could argue.
“Realistically, you wouldn’t even display this on the coffee table, so let’s put this down,” Heeseung grabbed the quirky-looking monkey figure from your hand to place it back at its original position. “The duck you got last year is still rotting in your kitchen drawer,”
“Didn’t need to spoil my party,” you pouted, feigning hurt in hopes for Heeseung to take his words back, but he knew you a little too well, seeing through your patterns to ignore them. Instead, he threw an arm around your shoulder, pulling you closer to his side. The sudden physical proximity had turned you frozen under his touch for a split second, eventually easing into it like how you usually would be.
Acting wasn’t your forte. You’ve known that since your first and last musical appearance as tree number four in your middle school play. But lately, you found yourself being an Oscar winning actress pretending like the usual jokes or physical touches weren’t bugging you, hiding how that entire night had been bothering you since he left your apartment. Don’t get you started on your friends. You should win a Golden Globe alongside the Oscar for convincing them nothing special happened, that he sent you home and left right after. Yeah, you wished it transpired in that precise order.
That night was an emotional scar if you would put it one way or another. It was left painfully unanswered like a telephone call, neither you nor him addressed what went down, deciding to brush past whatever it was when you called each other ‘friends’ and that stifling tension between the both of you. Everything you could recall from that particular night became a frightful memory, marking a significant change in the course of your friendship. Although none of you had said anything about it, you were sure he could feel it just as you did. But of course, you chose to stay silent in fear it would affect your friendship with him, and he most likely shared the same sentiment, doing anything just to stay safe.
Basically, it summed up your whole friendship.
“So, how does it feel turning another year older?”
“Feels like shit,” you lamented, the idea of being closer to a mid-life crisis wasn’t exactly tasteful. Growing up, birthdays weren’t your favourite time of the year (truth be told, it was Christmas). Hey, what’s really so fascinating about getting older? Cakes, candles, balloons, those looked nicer in movies or parties for your friends rather than at your own party, it didn’t feel the same when it was for you.
“Hey, we got you your favourite cherry cake from that bakery downtown, so don’t get all pessimistic about your big day,” Oh, traditions, you loved them. Since your first year in New York, you’ve always gotten the same cake for your birthday, a cherry cake glazed with chocolate, heaven introduced in your mouth. With that cherry cake and your friends, those were all you needed for your birthday. Maybe also a call from your family.
“You know I get sappy whenever it’s my birthday, I can’t help it,” you innocently shrugged, but he didn’t buy it for a second time, he was aware of your minor disdain for your own birthdays, and he has made it known that he wanted to change that. “You can help if you get me this—” you grabbed a stuffed monkey toy from the display, parading it in front of Heeseung’s face obnoxiously, your shit-eating grin wasn’t supporting your argument. “It’s speaking to me,”
“How many more monkeys do you need in your apartment?”
“I don’t think I have enough,” to be fair, you had one sad and lonely monkey related item currently residing in your kitchen, which was the monkey clock, Marvin, a treasured item you named after Marvin the Martian from the Looney Tunes. Yunjin had maternal instincts towards the wee monkey; she has made it known since it appeared in the apartment. You reckoned it needed a friend in the house. “Marvin needs a companion,”
“Marvin’s mothers should pay more attention to him instead,”
“Or Marvin’s uncle can get him a sibling? Friend, perhaps?” you were pulling out the signature sweet tone you used for convincing someone, holding back a bark of laughter at how he had enough of your measly act. “Please?” you held the monkey plushie at eye-level, covering your face with it while pleading with Heeseung. In his point of view, you were a demon with horns poking out of your head who knew what trouble you were up to exactly, utilizing your strengths of winning him over.
Like a weak bastard that he very much was, he bought you the monkey plushie. He blamed himself for caving into your pleas, knowing damn well he was going to end up complaining to your friends only for them to hit him back with ‘you couldn’t say no to her’ yet again, which always successfully shut him up.
He was a weak-willed man, what can you say? But at the same time, this man also happened to be sly, and succeeded at moving under the radar. As you yapped away to Heeseung about the affordability of groceries, what you thought was a normal walk back to your apartment was actually a hidden plan of Heeseung preparing to bring you to your surprise party at the apartment. That’s right, Lee Heeseung planned a party for you with the help of your friends. And he was not screwing it up.
Coordination was hard to achieve when it came to dealing with your friends, that was another thing Heeseung had to learn the hard way. All that turned to nothing when he saw the smile on your face once the door to your apartment ripped open, revealing your friends, colleagues and some members of your family. Those gleaming eyes of yours stared right at him, emotions swirling within them, almost in denial that everyone you loved was there for you. It didn’t take you more than a second to know he was the one behind this, you just knew, which only choked you up further when you wrapped your arms around him, heart swelling in your chest.
“Thank you.” You whispered into his ears, arms tightening around him a little more. He said nothing, rubbing his palm on your back, a soft kiss lingered similar to a ghost on the top of your head. Soon, you pulled away, his hands on your waist stayed for a beat longer, almost in a desperate attempt to hold onto you a bit more. Your touch then left as quick as it came, imprinting into his memory like an addiction that was hard to overcome. He watched as you left his side to greet the guests and thank your other friends, a slight smile resting on his lips, feeling as though you were so close yet so far.
You surrounded yourselves with your friends, doing anything but acknowledging Heeseung’s gaze from across the room, convincing yourself that it meant nothing more than what it seemed. There were a few instances where you met his eyes, exchanging brief smiles, pretending that either one of you weren’t already looking at the other in the first place. At the end of the day, you and him were friends, just friends, nothing more, or that was what you said to yourself as a reminder, especially when your heart picked up a few paces quicker around him.
‘Grateful’ wasn’t close to describing how you felt that night. Good food, great companies, amazing cake, a rich collection of gifts, maybe turning another year older wasn’t as frightening as you thought it was. By the end of the evening, with all the guests gone, your friends leaving one by one, Yunjin calling an early night, you took it upon yourself to clean the apartment up, under the condition where Heeseung would lend you a helping hand.
“I still can’t believe you were the mastermind behind all this,” you expressed your surprise that never went away since the start of the party, throwing the cloth down as you finished wiping the countertop, the last part of your strategic cleaning plan. Joining Heeseung on the couch, resting your feet on top of the coffee table, you let out a breath of relief when you relaxed your body into the soft material.
“You have that little faith in me?” he turned to give you a small frown, extracting a breathy chuckle from you.
“Heeseung, you can’t even plan a trip to the dentist,”
“Ouch?”
You grinned, keeping your eyes on him a minute more before you spoke again, letting the peaceful silence calm the crashing waves in the midst of this storm. His gaze never wandered astray, focusing on you and solely you, the intensity of it nearly got you shifting uneasily in your seat. “Thanks for tonight, Hee, I mean it. You made it less scary to turn older,”
“I’m glad then,” there was a visible sign of relief flushing across his entire body, the time he spent planning hadn’t gone to waste. Everything had indeed worked out according to his favour, and getting to see you smile so widely during the cutting of your cake was the best part of it.
“I still haven’t got my present from you,”
“I know. I was hoping you’d ask me to stay,”
“You know I’ll always ask you to stay,”
One thing you didn’t manage to fathom then was the weight of your words and the consequences they carried. It might’ve been said carelessly and casually, but you meant it—deeply. A fraction of Heeseung’s smile faltered, an equal amount of realisation dawning on him, which was eventually deflected by resorting to a swift grab of your present from under the coffee table. A small box was presented to you in the palm of his hands, a red ribbon tied around it with a handwritten birthday card. His scribbly handwriting was distinct, you recognised it at once.
“Open it,” he egged you on, anticipating your reaction, an excited glint to his irises that sparked your curiosity. You shushed him for urging you, then settled into your own pace by unknotting the ribbon and opening the box slowly, your own expectations getting to you. Luckily, you were far from disappointed. On the contrary, you were taken aback from his choice of gift.
The content of the box revealed itself to be a gleaming silver chain with a small heart pendant. To others, it might seem like a typical birthday present, but you knew better. It wasn’t any ordinary necklace, you recognised it in a heartbeat, it was the one on display that you stopped to stare when you waited for Heeseung. You thought he hadn’t noticed that day, the two of you embarked on your walk as though you weren’t staring at the necklace through the shop window for at least five minutes.
“Really?” you gasped, eyes flitting between him and the necklace in your hands, wondering whether it was truly in your possession. You didn’t know which surprised you more, getting a piece of jewellery that you dreamt of or Heeseung paying attention to every minor detail when it came to you. You set the box down, pulling him into a hug without thinking twice. “You knew,”
“I saw you that day. You were looming around the window, staring at that particular necklace. I had a feeling you wouldn’t get it after you pretended not to care when I showed up,” you chuckled mainly out of embarrassment at how Heeseung read you to filth. That’s what you get for having a best friend. “I went back the next day and bought it. Thought it was out of a whim, I didn’t know how or when to give it to you, so I saved it for your birthday,”
He bought it with you in mind the entire time. One thing’s certain, you were touched, and very much emotional. He had successfully gotten you in your feels, but also simultaneously confused. Was this something friends do, you thought to yourself. You pulled away from him, arms still wrapped around his neck, the intimacy in this wasn’t expressed, but it was certainly felt and understood between you and him. “Thank you,”
“You’re welcome. I hope you like it,”
“I love it.” It wasn’t an extravagant piece, it was just right, something that screamed ‘you’. You were scared to pick it up and take it out of the box, admiring it just as you did at that shop window. Like always, Heeseung noticed every little shift in your demeanor, sensing your hesitance at once. He took the box from your hold, removing the delicate necklace from its position. One lift of his eyebrows conveyed an adequate message for you to turn around, sweeping your hair to the other shoulder, unintentionally holding your breath while you waited.
The cold chain sent small chills all over your body when it touched your skin, the sensation soon overpowered by the feeling of his fingers grazing against the back of neck as he fiddled with the clasp. His lackluster attempt was painful to endure, you had to grit your teeth while pretending it wasn’t bothering you, that none of this meant anything beyond the lines of friendship. That his act of buying you the necklace and putting it on you weren’t something for you to read into.
Suddenly, the heart pendant hanging on the necklace weighed heavier around your neck. While you tossed around in bed, all you could think of was Heeseung and the emotions stirred internally whenever you were around him, most of which you pushed down and prayed against. What more was needed for you to listen to your heart when he quite literally gave you his heart first? That necklace was him blatantly handing you his fragile heart, and you were cursed with the responsibility of carrying it with you all the time.
“You’re kidding me,”
Nothing was more comforting than a warm cup of coffee at your favourite coffee house the morning after. Then again, your peace was routinely ruined by your two preying best friends. Yunjin and Chaewon never wasted a second more to square down on you and attack like a hawk, edging you to the side of the sofa as you held onto your mug out of fear.
“He got you the necklace you’ve been eyeing for months,” Yunjin was eye-levelled with the necklace sitting on your chest, in between gawking and shocked, mostly unable to comprehend the layers of this situation. “And you never told him. He just did it because he wanted to,”
“I’m sick of the two of you circling each other!” Chaewon groaned, punching the pillows with pure frustration that wasn’t fueled by caffeine, gaining several customers’ attention. Her tiredness regarding this topic about you and Heeseung was equally shared by Yunjin, both girls stared at you with an unmistakable question splattered over their faces: ‘what are you going to do now?’
“We’re not. It’s nothing,” you muttered into your cup of coffee, avoiding every confrontation as though it were a plague chasing you. Each time you did so, you started to realise the walls were getting brittle and breaking down, that you could no longer say you and Heeseung were nothing with full confidence. Because frankly, you were beginning to doubt even yourself.
“If you’re really not into Heeseung, then prove it. Go on a double date,” Yunjin officially stood her ground, beyond being annoyed with her two best friends that were so obviously in love with each other till the point where it got suffocating, and everyone around them knew except for themselves. How did Cupid handle the stress of setting people up when she couldn’t bear seeing her two stupidly in love friends? Yunjin seriously considered if this would be worth it, but once her mind strayed to the thought of a wedding, she figured it might be.
“Where are you getting a double date for us anyway? Besides, it’s not going to work. We had double dates before, and I felt nothing seeing him with somebody else,”
“That was the past. We’re talking about now, Y/N. You can fool yourself by thinking you feel nothing for him, but we know better, your heart knows better,” Chaewon added, offering her two cents, earning Yunjin’s nod of approval. You scoffed, finding your friends a little too ridiculous for taking their methods up a notch.
“I already have your and Heeseung’s matches. They’re my friends from work. Jungwon and Wonyoung, remember? You met them at my party last summer,” Yunjin rubbed her hands, reminding you of those evil masterminds, the eager grin only convinced you of her secret plotting. Oh, this was definitely discussed with the rest of your friends without you nor Heeseung’s knowledge. How evil of them.
“I remember,”
“Great! I’ll set a dinner date this Saturday. Seven, at that Italian restaurant we always go to. How’s that?” Yunjin clapped, leg shaking out of sheer enthusiasm.
“Sounds good. I’ll show you—all of you—that I have no feelings for Lee Heeseung whatsoever. It’ll be another successful double date, I’m sure.”
Define ‘successful’.
If sitting opposite to Heeseung and his date who were overly engrossed with each other and being stuck with an awkward partner was deemed successful, then you’d consider yourself lucky.
Dinner started off eventful. A typical ice breaker was introduced to get to know one another, discovering everyone clicked pretty well, which tricked you into thinking it’d go well, but it seemed to plummet like a landslide. Jungwon was a nice guy, you’d admit it. Other than a handful of conversations exchanged, there was nothing much to your interactions with him, so you surrendered quickly, admitting to feeling absolutely no spark whatsoever. You figured he got the memo, likely sharing the same sentiment as you did as the two of you ate your respective pasta with a tinge of depression watching the other couple hit it off better in comparison.
“Y/N, how long have you known Heeseung?” Wonyoung was sweet, a princess even, and that wasn’t an exaggeration. You wouldn’t be surprised if Heeseung was actually enamoured with her at first sight. She was the epitome of perfection as a human. Smart and charming, she carried the night’s conversations with ease.
“A few years now, since I moved to New York,”
“So, you guys must be close, huh?”
You paused, hesitation stopping you when you briefly met his eyes, a first after a long time since the night began, realising you hadn’t talked to each other at all. You didn’t address it mentally, but you were sure it was a way of you avoiding him, isolating him unintentionally. Turning your attention back to Wonyoung, you forced a smile. “Yeah, we are,”
“She’s my neighbour, that’s how we first met,” Heeseung chimed in, bringing back a fond memory of yours. The first day you moved to the big city would always be something you held close to your heart. “I offered her a slice of pizza but she thought I was some sleazebag,”
That got a collective laughter from each of you. You shook your head, a faint smile ghosted your lips, reminiscing the moment that felt almost as though it had just happened a day prior. Wonyoung, on the other hand, seemed to be thoroughly amused by Heeseung, giggling a little harder than most while placing a hand on his forearm. “Which place did you get the pizza from? Not the one downtown, right?”
“Oh, no, never. I go to Joe’s Pizza all the time,”
“I love Joe’s! The pepperoni slice is a classic,”
“You get it!”
Pizza has continuously become the bane of your existence. A dough with cheese and some stupid toppings was enough to spark a heated conversation between Heeseung and Wonyoung, entrapping them in their own bubble for another time that night. What an eye sore. Jungwon turned to you, an unmistakable mix of pity and boredom in his face was recognised by you in an instant. Still, like the sweet guy he was, he tried to strike up a conversation.
“What’s your favourite movie?”
Thank God for a question you could have a passionate debate over. You beamed visibly, spine straightened with a thrilled grin, the only and obvious answer sitting on the tip of your tongue. “‘When Harry Met Sally’,”
Jungwon snapped his fingers eagerly, nodding in mutual agreement. At least there was one person who could agree on your choice of movie. “Good choice, Meg Ryan was fantastic in it. One of the best rom-coms of all time,”
You placed a hand on your chest, a little dramatically if you may add. “I appreciate you saying that. I agree,”
“I don’t mean to eavesdrop, but can I add something to this discussion?” Wonyoung interrupted, brushing some hair behind her ear. You held your tongue, fixing a practiced smile as a green light for her to continue. “I don’t understand the craze around that movie, I think there are better rom-coms out there,”
“Finally! Someone understands,” Heeseung laughed, throwing his hands up with a degree of satisfaction knowing there was another person out there who shared his dislike over your favourite movie. This only annoyed you further. Seeing him and Wonyoung getting along better than anticipated had gotten to your nerves initially, but hearing the two of them slander your favourite movie was close to crossing the line. To rub salt into your wound, Heeseung was completely aware about how the movie was your go-to every time. After all, he was there for most of your rewatches, seeing you laugh and cry to your favourite rom-com.
“It has beautiful shots, wonderful acting, amazing actors, an emotional plot, what more can you get?” Jungwon was standing his ground, which you learnt to admire. Now you know who to call for your next rewatch instead of Heeseung.
“I just don’t think best friends can fall in love after twelve years. That’s too long! It’s basically platonic at that point,” Wonyoung argued.
“Best friends can and do fall in love—” you started, finding the words tumbling out of you from sheer agitation, trying to present your point rather impulsively without thinking straight. Your eyes averted to Heeseung, just to discover him already staring at you in the first place, causing your throat to tighten up all of a sudden. “Regardless of time, it just … happens,” you faltered, realisation slowly dawning on you.
Your friends were right. ‘When Harry Met Sally’ was a guide this entire time, leading you to finally recognise your own feelings before it was too late. But you were indeed too late. You’ve wasted your time circling around the truth, afraid of facing it, until you were left to deal with the consequences. Here you were, watching him falling for someone else.
The table fell silent. You looked away from Heeseung, clearing your throat, putting on your millionth uncomfortable smile for the night. Well, you were always known for acting without thinking, or in this case, speaking without thinking, as you didn’t consider the gravity of hinting yourself potentially being in love with your best friend. A normal Saturday dinner, eh?
“How about dessert?”
If you had to go through another double date in the future, you’d rather swear off love than experience something similar again. In the restaurant’s restroom, standing before the mirror, you hoped the contents in your stomach wouldn’t be flushed down the toilet bowl by the end of the night. The thought of you being in love with Heeseung was close to sending you into a shock, coming to terms with it in the middle of dinner reasonably made things worse for you. Was this a sign to move to the countryside?
“You’re really lucky,” Wonyoung’s voice startled you out of your daze, her figure appearing next to you, washing her hands meticulously. That was very on brand of her, you expected no less. “It’s rare to have a friendship like that—you and Heeseung. I can tell that you care about each other a lot,”
“We do,”
“I should be thankful for Yunjin since she set this whole thing up. He’s a really good guy,”
You nodded, swallowing a growing lump in your throat, a prickling sensation growing stronger in your eyes. At that point, you could only utter a string of words, feeling overwhelmed with helplessness. “Yeah, he is. That’s Heeseung.”
Should you be thankful that dinner’s ended and the night was over after a dreadful long wait? You parted ways with Heeseung and Wonyoung, following Jungwon to his car as he insisted on dropping you home. The walk there was suffocating, a couple of small talks scattered here and there, neither one of you had the heart to expand anymore knowing it was leading to nowhere. All you could think of then was what the other couple would be up to. Was he bringing her to his favourite spot? Was he just dropping her off and leaving immediately? Endless possibilities followed by more overthinking.
“You’re in love with him, aren’t you?” Jungwon broke the silence with a question that pierced through you like the sharpest knife. What a conversation starter. You had a feeling he was more than what you assumed him to be. You came to a stop in the middle of the sidewalk, looking at him with an expression that gave off the impression of you being scandalized.
“Is it that obvious?”
“Yes,” there was barely any sugarcoating, he was straight to the point. The truth was deemed to be both beneficial and harmful to you in your weak and fragile state. “I have eyes, Y/N. I can see the way you look at him, and how you look at him when you think nobody’s watching,”
You were caught absolutely red handed, a big flashy spotlight pointed on you, telling the world that you’re fully guilty of being in love with your best friend. If a date that you’ve known for a few hours could see right through you, you couldn’t imagine what your friends had to deal with. Now you felt apologetic to them. “I guess I am,” you had nowhere to hide, what could you lose by being transparent with your date? “But I think I lost him,”
“If there’s one thing ‘When Harry Met Sally’ proved, it’s that you’re never too late,” Jungwon patted your arm in weak reassurance. “Or you can wait another ten years,”
You swatted at his hand, snorting lightheartedly. Rolling your eyes, you started walking again, letting him catch up to you.
“Oh, shut it. Drive me home.”
Was it bad to admit that you’ve been praying for the downfall of Heeseung’s relationship with Wonyoung? Apparently some DIY spell you got from Chaewon’s witch friend failed horrendously when the both of them showed up to dinner hosted by Yunjin at your own apartment. Maybe it was the one ingredient you swapped out that caused this.
This was the first time Heeseung brought her over. None of you had expected this. After your horrendous double date experience, Heeseung made it known that he was seeing her further, but no labels were established for now. You’ve been keeping your distance from him, convincing yourself you shouldn’t be close to a guy friend that had a potential girlfriend out of respect. However, deep down, you knew the truth that it was only because you wanted to avoid getting hurt less.
“What do you think about Wonyoung?” you whispered to Yunjin as you helped her prepare the dishes in the kitchen. Jake, Jay and Chaewon were loitering in the living room with the couple, overly invested in Wonyoung’s stories. It was the first time you had some privacy since the two of them arrived. She was introduced to the others, sparking a conversation soon after, successfully charming them as a result. It was no question she had won them over in a snap of a finger.
“I think she’s great. Really funny and smart,” Yunjin was focused on assembling the lasagna to commit to a sudden discussion about her work friend, her hands were full with bolognese sauce and bechamel, she didn’t have more space for your feelings. “There’s a reason why I set her up with Heeseung, I thought they’d be a match, and I was right. Sorry about Jungwon though, he’s not usually that shy,”
“I figured,” you mumbled, recalling the journey back home consisted of him explaining to you how he didn’t want a relationship since he had freshly broken up with his girlfriend. What was the luck between you and men that weren’t over their exes? At least he bought you some ice cream on the way home, and also accepted your invite to a ‘When Harry Met Sally’ movie night. A new friend gained wasn’t a complete loss. “But seriously, what do you think of them together?”
“I think … it’s alright? Gosh, I don’t know, Y/N. It’s too early to know, I can’t tell if they will or will not work out,” Yunjin gave a truthful answer to your question, but it wasn’t one that you wanted. She narrowed her eyes at you with a tinge of suspicion. “Why?”
“It’s nothing,”
“Don’t start, Y/N,” Yunjin sighed, walking over to the sink to wash the mess on her hands, in preparation to deal with your mess. She popped the lasagna into the oven, a hand propped on her hip, staring at you with an unhappy frown. “You told me nothing happened that night. You said you didn’t want to talk about it. So, why now?”
“Because I realised I am in love with him,”
“Oh,” Yunjin exhaled, blinking robotically at you, losing her grip on her hip. Stunned might be an understatement, a total opposite of a reaction you’d expected from her. Horrified would probably be a better description of how she looked gawking at you, nothing seemed to come from her mouth. “When? When … did you realise?”
“That night at the restaurant. I suppose you’re right all along,” your revelation didn’t help Yunjin’s case either, her jaw significantly dropping more. She hand flew to her temples, rubbing them with creases deepening between her eyebrows. “I thought I was fine, but when I saw him with her, I … felt it in my heart for the first time. Heartbreak. Your plan worked,”
“I didn’t mean to—”
“I know, Jen, I’m not putting the blame on anybody. It’s my fault. Just mine,” you rested your back against the wall, your hand hidden behind your back as it twisted into a fist. “Don’t worry, I’m not going to do anything. If Heeseung’s happy now, it’s fine. You know how unlucky he is with dates,”
The initial frustration worn off entirely, soon replaced with sadness in Yunjin’s eyes, her face slackened, shoulders sagging. She slowly approached you, arms extending towards you. “Y/N—”
You caught onto them, giving her your best smile, thinking it could assure her, but you had a feeling it turned out slanted and half-hearted. On your best days, you could be an award winning actress for pretending you weren’t hurt. This wasn’t one of those days, unfortunately. “Let’s start dinner.”
Lasagna couldn’t cheer you up. Neither could Yunjin’s signature pasta pull a decent smile from you. You blended into the background throughout dinner, offering nothing but several chuckles and nods, keeping your eyes away from your source of demise. There were a few occasions where you felt his eyes lingering on you, it didn’t help that they lasted for more than an appropriate amount of time, pleading for you to respond to him in any way possible. Resisting him was hard.
Safe to say, you survived dinner and the dessert after. You owed it to the many rounds of red wine from the bottle Jake brought. Heeseung left the apartment with Wonyoung to walk her down to her cab, which left the apartment to you and your friends to tidy while also discussing whatever’s gathered in everyone’s minds for the entirety of the night. It was a common debriefing ritual you and your friends had once a new partner was introduced.
“Wonyoung’s amazing,” Jay shared, starting the discussion as he picked up the plates to hand them to Yunjin.
“Are you saying that because you actually think so or it’s because she’s pretty?” Chaewon pointed the dishwand accusingly at Jay, soap flowing down the handle.
“Do you really think I’m that shallow—nevermind, don’t answer that,” he stopped her at the moment she opened her mouth to retort, realising he was never a match for her and her quippishness. “Still, I think she’s wonderful. She can mimic a bird’s cry. How fun is that?”
The others let out a chorus of agreement. Yunjin, in particular, glanced at you warily, visibly distressed and worried about both your mental and physical states. You said nothing, continuing with your task of storing the dishes, which you held back from smashing. Note to self, you needed a better outlet for getting rid of pent up emotions.
“Y/N, are you okay? You’ve been very distant since the start of dinner,” Jake took the plate from your hand to store it on your behalf. He closed the cupboard door, pulled your hand to lead you away and sat you on the couch. You weren’t surprised Jake had caught onto you from the get-go. He was always smart, even emotionally. The rest of your friends soon swarmed the area, waiting for you to pour out your anguish.
“I’m not feeling well, that’s all,” you were running away yet again. Scared, terrified to go anywhere near being vulnerable in front of your closest friends, stripped bare to admit you were in love with one of them while hoping it wouldn’t change anything.
“Y/N,” Yunjin’s tone was hard, stern almost, with a tinge of disappointment as though she couldn’t believe you were trying to escape from your own feelings, something everyone there was familiar with. Your name was spewed out in a way where she was begging you to face the very thing you avoided till you were forced to face. To your dismay, this puts you on the spot with many eyes staring at you in confusion.
“Fine,” that was a response directed to Yunjin, you had your eyes locked with hers before scanning the circle created around you. Each of them were waiting for your next word. It was either this or letting the truth eat you alive. “I’m in love with Heeseung,”
What was expected to be an explosive reaction turned out to be … nothing? Jay, Jake and Chaewon all looked at one another, exchanging glances with Yunjin as well, then every one of their heads spun to focus on you. It felt like there were stage lights shining on you, your friends being the audience, and you, maybe a clown. The seconds stretched on for what seemed like forever as silence ensued.
“We know,” Jay broke the stiff atmosphere. You—mildly confused, whereas understanding and relief washed over your friends. They started laughing, rejoicing and high-fiving each other. If you didn’t know better, you would’ve assumed they won a price instead.
“Should I be shocked that you guys were in on this the whole time?”
“Yunjin and I already told you, didn’t we? We’ve all been waiting for one of you to break,” Chaewon clapped gleefully, her voice going another pitch higher from pure excitement.
“And it had to be me,” you mumbled, the thought of your feelings potentially being one sided was soul crushing. After your friends convinced you that it was mutual, your expectations were sky high, and you were not ready for them to be crushed.
“Heeseung will come around,” Jake threw out a futile assurance. You winced at that, giving him a display of your pained frown.
“He’s seeing someone now—Wonyoung, who you all love. I can’t ruin that, you guys know that,”
“We do,” Yunjin moved from her position to sit next to you, laying her head on your shoulder. You held onto her arm, squeezing it for a silent ‘thank you’ for the times she stuck by you. “No matter what happens, we’ll be here for you,”
There came another chorus of shared support from your friends who huddled around you. Their energy had given you a shred of hope, bringing a smile to your face for the first time in a while that night, a little more positive that nothing would completely change in the dynamics of your friend group. That was once proven as per Yunjin and Chaewon with their confessions of messing around with the other two men in the group.
“Wait,” Jake stood up, interrupting the current emotional mood. The room fell into another round of silence. “I hate to ruin our little moment, but I think Heeseung’s coming,”
The mention of his name caused every one of them to turn to you, panic arising almost in an instant. You could only stare back, downfounded and powerless. It’s not like they could expect you to profess your love to Heeseung just because you disclosed it to them. “What do I do?”
“Talk to him,” Yunjin suggested the obvious solution, not that it helped or made it any better.
“But I’ve been avoiding him!” you forgot about that part, guilt began to crawl into your system at the memories of you evidently dodging him. Everything that went down with the date gave you the heebie-jeebies, how you shunned him, and dropped a lowkey hint of being in love with your best friend, a.k.a., him! It would be impossible for him to not realise your absence. He’s good at catching onto tiny details.
“That’s our cue to leave you and him alone. Just talk! You always talked to him. It’s Heeseung, just Heeseung,” that’s the problem. It’s Heeseung, your best friend. It’s not an everyday activity for someone to come to the conclusion of liking their best friend romantically and profess their love for them.
Chaewon ushered the others to get to their feet, pushing them towards Yunjin’s room as a site of hideout now that it was too late for them to leave. You couldn’t tell if you were hearing the sound of Heeseung’s footsteps approaching or if you were mistaking it for your own heartbeat thundering in your ears. The noises of keys jangling and the door unlocking that followed after were unmistakable.
“Shit, he’s here,” that was what you last heard from Chaewon before she shoved Jay and his nosy-self into the room, slamming the door shut just in time for Heeseung to enter the threshold. He stopped at the sight of you in the middle of an empty apartment, looking at you with a sense of disbelief that it was truly you who was standing in front of him.
“Hi,” you said quietly, arms sticking close to your sides, afraid of moving or taking a step forward. Heeseung placed his keys on the counter, but stayed in his original position by the door.
“Hey,” he began, still not closing the space between you and him. When did it become this awkward to be around him? You felt like an alien who newly landed on Earth, interacting with the first human you came across, the situation was that extreme. It was easy for you to be around Heeseung, but you couldn’t say the same this time. “Where are the others?”
“They went over to yours. Jay needed help on something, I don’t know what it is,” you should be awarded for not crumbling under pressure. The lie flew out of your mouth in a natural manner. Heeseung didn’t suspect it, going along with your white lie.
“How was dinner?”
“It was okay,”
“You were quiet the entire time,”
“I’m not feeling well,”
“Sick?”
“Not in the mood,”
Heeseung slipped his hands into the pockets of his pants, nodding his head silently, lips pressed tightly together. He wasn’t letting any of his reactions show, purposely holding them back. You couldn’t figure out where this was heading, neither did he. “What do you think of Wonyoung?”
There it was. The golden question. You’ve been waiting for it, thinking if you got to steer clear of Heeseung, you’d never have to hear it. Predictions weren’t correct all the time. You knew he would eventually pop the question to you when you’re the only one in the group who has yet to express approval of Wonyoung. It just had to be at this moment.
“She’s alright,”
His nostrils flared, eyebrows twitching out of habit. His patience was wearing thin, the initial annoyance you sensed since he entered the room intensified. “That’s it? That’s all you’ve got to say after weeks of avoiding me? Two word answers?”
“What do you want me to say?”
“The truth!” Heeseung raised his voice, footsteps heavy on the ground as he crossed the room towards you, stopping behind the couch, standing opposite you with it as a barrier in the middle. What his eyes reflected contradicted his anger. Sadness and desperation made up most of them. They searched for yours, seeking for answers and reasons as to why you were acting out of character.
“I don’t think she’s good for you,”
“Why?”
“Just … just because,”
“That’s not an answer, Y/N,”
What other answer could you give that wouldn’t sound like you were the villain in his story trying to break him and his love interest up? Every possible narrative couldn’t and wouldn’t work, not for you anyway.
“I know you,”
“And what do you know about what’s good for me?” Heeseung demanded, the hurt in his voice was evident, punctuating your heart like a stake, beating you down to depths lower than where you already were. “You don’t get to say that,”
“That’s not fair,”
“She’s a good person, Y/N. I think I deserve that at least,”
You swallowed, not expecting the truth to be thrown directly into your face by the person you were scared to hear it from. It was real, your nightmare of losing him due to your mistakes was coming to life right before you, reminding you that you were far too late. “You’re right. You deserve every bit of it, Heeseung,” his name tasted foreign on your tongue, no more nicknames or the hidden love that came with it, just stale integrity. “I wish you nothing but happiness,”
You didn’t try to hide the shakiness in your voice, nor the tears building up that you were doing your best to blink away. The tightness in your throat took away your speech, losing the ability to speak beyond that. You were being selfish, and you were getting punished for that along with your foolishness for your ignorance to your feelings.
“Thank you.” he forced through his teeth with enough finality to know this was the last thing he’d say to you that night. You couldn’t bring yourself to reply, mouth opening for a moment just for nothing to follow through, using most of your willpower to hold your tears back instead. He shook his head, a visible sign of disappointment at you losing the strength to fight for whatever this situation of being more friends but less than lovers was between you and him.
Heeseung took a full look at you for a little longer, his shielded gaze never left your teary one, as though he himself was afraid of letting you go. That was when he knew he had to leave or else he would end up staying like how he always did. He turned his back on you, heading for the door and picking up his copy of the key along the way. There was a few seconds where he stalled at the door, hand on the doorknob, breathing heavily.
Hope wasn’t a powerful tool for you to keep him longer. He was leaving, and there was nothing you could do to stop him, or reverse the pain you’ve caused. Heeseung turned the doorknob and left with the door slamming behind him, leaving you stranded alone to pick up the pieces of your heart. Punching you or hurling insults might’ve hurt less compared to this.
You didn’t register your emotions until the floodgates came pouring down your cheeks, knees becoming weaker as you found yourself losing balance. The entire exchange had wrecked you out of consciousness, unaware of your friends slowly making their way out of Yunjin’s room, listening in on the mess that went down moments ago. The embarrassment doubled, but you were too busy crying to care. You melted into their arms as they surrounded you to console you, and it reminded you of the exact time you cried into their embrace when your first boyfriend in New York broke up with you. Never in a million years you would predict doing the same for one of your best friends.
Almost was never enough. You were a step too late, and a step over the line.
90 days.
That was how long since you’ve last spoken to Heeseung. Back in the day, three hours was the longest gap you went without speaking to him, not three months. Besides the occasional greetings in the hallway or bumping into each other at the coffee shop, neither of you sparked a full conversation. As a result of your fight, it had tremendously affected your friends who became collateral damage in the midst of it. The best way to simplify the dynamic of your friend group at the current moment was them taking turns to hang out with either of you. Pathetic, wasn’t it?
In some sick twisted way to get you out of your slump, Yunjin introduced you to her other, much senior colleague, Jeon Jungkook. If only you weren’t simultaneously so infatuated and heartbroken over your friend, you would’ve had your heart set on him. Unfortunately, that’s not how feelings worked. You were honest about it to Jungkook since your first meeting with him, and being the sweetheart he was, he understood. That didn’t stop you from being friends with him. He was probably the second closest friend you’ve hung out with besides your own friends.
October 31st rolled around, a monumental day for you and your friends who loved the arts of costumes and throwing parties. Yunjin and Chaewon chose to host this year’s Halloween party at your apartment. A special addition to the party was a costume contest, where the winner gets a hundred dollar prize reward. Perhaps Jungkook appeared in your life at the perfect timing.
“Do I have to wear a blond wig for this?” Jungkook held up the wig you got for him reluctantly after he agreed to be the Fred to your Daphne from Scooby Doo.
“It’s too late to go back on your word now,” you tossed him your ginger wig. He wasn’t in on this alone anyway. You left him sulking on the couch to join Yunjin and Chaewon, both of whom were busy preparing in the kitchen.
“Fred and Daphne?” Yunjin laughed at your choice of characters, earning a firm slap on her shoulder from you. You didn’t wrack your brain day and night for nothing, it was a good and safe option to go for in your defense.
“It’s cute. I aim to be the best dressed tonight,”
“Do I have your permission to flirt with your date?” Chaewon slid up next to you, finally daring to ask the question she’s been holding back since forever. You had a feeling she was eyeing him from the moment you confirmed he was just a friend.
“By all means, have a go,”
“Hey, you know Heeseung will be at the party tonight, right? Just a heads up,” Yunjin wasn’t laughing anymore, her tone both serious and solemn. You couldn’t blame her nor your friends for being exhausted of you and Heeseung’s strained friendship, having to adapt to that and a new routine now that you were avoiding each other. “I’m quite sick of this, you know that? You guys are so childish! Instead of saying sorry, you chose to not talk for three months,”
She had a point. You hated that.
“It’s complicated,”
“It’s always been complicated between you and Heeseung. How about this? Make it less complicated and apologise to him first. I still remember you crying and feeling guilty about what went down that night,”
“You didn’t have to call me out directly, I got it,” you grumbled at the memory you cringed at every time Yunjin brought it up as a defence mechanism. Yes, you regretted your behaviour, half remorseful for the things you’ve said, but it wasn’t a common practice for you to apologise first. Whenever you and Heeseung had a fight, it was down to two things: Heeseung apologising first or the both of you sweeping past it. This time, however, both seemed undoable. To muster the courage for you to confront him and apologise, it took time. Maybe a bit too long. “I’ll see what I can do tonight.”
Trying to distract yourself from your anxiety by helping Yunjin and Chaewon serve refreshments dressed in a full Daphne costume was the least effective method to ease stress. With every guest walking past your door, your heart skipped a beat hoping the next one would be him. Your friends’ costumes at the very least got a smile and some laughter out of you. Jay and Jake were dressed as members from the rock band, KISS; Yunjin decided to go all out and paint herself blue as Smurfette, matching blonde wigs with Jungkook; Chaewon, with the assistance of you and Yunjin, stuffed herself into a latex catwoman suit which took almost half-an-hour to get into. It wasn’t a dull Halloween after all.
“Need help?” Jungkook took the platter of refreshments from you, giving you no room to argue. You smiled at him as a wordless ‘thank you’, coming at the right time to save you from any more small talks.
“My Fred in shining armour, or shining blond wig?” you giggled, reaching your hand forward to touch his wig, the coarseness of it proved the reason why it was only three dollars. He swatted at your hand, rolling his eyes at your endless teasing.
“I think I actually look good in it, thank you very much,” he dismissed your snark comment easily, you forgot he had a swollen ego in the first place. He pulled onto your arm, urging you to follow him as he served refreshments on your behalf. “You’re waiting for him, aren’t you?”
“What?”
“Don’t pretend. I see the sadness in your eyes, Y/N,” Jungkook had talents of looking through your bullshit on par with Yunjin. There was no point fighting what was true, you chose to silently nod. “Speak to him tonight, please, for your sake, for his and your friends’ sake. Even for me! You’ve been keeping that apology in you for months, it’s time for you to tell him,”
“Is it really a good time to do so?”
“There’s never a perfect time. It’s now or never. I know it’s been eating you up, Y/N. Do this for yourself,”
You considered Jungkook’s advice deeply. He wasn’t wrong, he never was, it came with his perfect traits. You were quite frankly done with running away, even if you were chasing pavements, an apology wouldn’t hurt to settle the troubles in your heart, it might even help you take another step from the position you were stuck in. You patted his shoulder in earnest appreciation. Jungkook could just cement his place to be your crime solving buddy, or in this context, a problem solving buddy.
“Care for a drink?” Chaewon swept in at the right moment with a couple glasses of homemade martinis. It was your cue to leave, not without one of her signature martini though. You took one last look at your two friends, knowing Chaewon would soon work her magic on an oblivious Jungkook, then you made your way to the balcony, in dire need of some air and time alone.
You listened to the sound of New York traffic, taking small sips from your martini, overlooking the skyline of the city. The part which stings the most was coming to the realisation that you and Heeseung would often occupy this exact spot any time a party was thrown at your apartment. Whenever the space got stuffy and too many guests were present, the two of you would run to the balcony, have a few cigarettes, drink, and talk. You wouldn’t notice the party had ended by the time you and him were done with your hide out. Now, there was another party that you’ve successfully escaped, except he wasn’t beside you like how it was supposed to be.
“Missing trick or treat?”
Your blood nearly ran cold at the voice coming from behind you. One hand holding tightly onto your glass, the other gripping onto the ledge of the balcony in case your legs failed you. You didn’t need to confirm the owner of the voice, having heard it for just about every day for years on end.
“I think I’m too old for that now,” you felt the familiar warmth belonging to the only person you’ve dreaded all night joining your side, a safe distance was still maintained between you and him.
“You’re never too old for anything,”
“Touche,” you looked over at Heeseung, stifling your laughter when you saw his costume. A classic black tuxedo paired with a bow tie around his neck, hair slicked back, a sleek metallic watch around his wrist, a ridiculously looking toy gun as a prop in his hand. You would be lying to yourself if you didn’t admit how handsome he was despite being in costume. “James Bond. You weren’t kidding when you said that’s your costume this year,”
“I was never kidding,”
“I’m guessing Sean Connery’s James Bond?”
“One and only,” he stood up straight to display the excellence of his costume, giving you a playful 180 look just so you could see the entirety of his suit, at last posing with the gun as a cherry on top. It was impossible not to laugh when he’s trying this hard to get into character. “You think Daphne can assist James Bond in solving crimes?”
“I think Daphne’s going to stick to solving mysteries, not track down criminals or assassins,”
“I saw Fred inside. Your date, I assume,”
“My friend,” you corrected consciously, noting the mild hostility when he mentioned Jungkook. You simply couldn’t fathom the idea of Heeseung being threatened by another man.
“You’ve been hanging with him a lot,”
“What is it to you?” you snapped, harsher than you intended to, immediately feeling guilty. You couldn’t shake off the sense that he’s trying to get back at you in some unexplainable way.
“Nothing,” you knew he was lying, seeing him clenching his jaw right after saying that had given him away. Time and time again, he underestimated how well you understood him and his little quirks.
“Where’s your date then, Bond? Where’s the famous Bond girl? ”
Heeseung stared off into the city, a quiet but audible sigh leaving his lips before he said anything. Clearly, there was trouble in paradise. You wanted to take your words back, worried it might’ve crossed another line, but he beat you to it with an answer. “She’s at her place,”
He didn’t expand beyond that simple reasoning, making it much more suspicious than it should be. You didn’t pry, and accepted it with a nod. You assumed she wasn’t a big fan of parties, or at least Halloween, not that you would judge. You let the silence sit longer than it’s supposed to, the traffic in the background filling the gaps in between. It was now or never, before the damage became irreversible.
“I’m sorry for that night. I was out of line. I do think she’s brilliant, and I want you to be happy,” you turned to look at him, but as always, he was already staring at you in the first place. The martini was no help in suppressing your emotions. If anything, it was amplifying them. You could feel tears welling up at the edge of your eyes. “I mean it. I hate that we’re not talking, and I hate the thought of losing you more,”
Heeseung wet his lips, hanging his head, chest rising and falling erratically. He glanced up after a pause, nodding slowly, a tight-lipped smile appearing. “Thank you,” he meant it this time, genuine, but also stiff and restricted. “You’re never going to lose me, Y/N,”
“Truce?”
“Truce,” he drank out of his glass of martini, returning his attention back to the view of the city, but you kept yours on him, not that he mind. “Here we are again, bailing on a party,”
“Some things never change, do they?” you smiled, yet it didn’t reach your eyes entirely, the sadness in your face bled into every part of your body, all of which went unnoticed by Heeseung. Although you were done setting the argument aside, the apology getting accepted didn’t smoothen the roughness to you and Heeseung’s relationship. Some lingering tension still remained unaddressed. You could feel it, you doubted if Heeseung didn’t. “Should we head in? They’re announcing the winners of the contest.”
It wasn’t the right time to talk about it. You didn’t know if there ever was one.
You and Jungkook ended up missing first prize by a large margin, getting just a box of chocolate as a consolation prize. On the bright side, Jay and Jake won the night’s best costume, earning a hundred dollars which you would undoubtedly convince them to spend on you. The night came to an end at around midnight. Even though all of your friends were exhausted, they stayed to clean as usual, cracking open another round of beers as a side reward.
You were too busy sending Jungkook off by the door to realise a pair of eyes staring pointedly at you from a distance. As Heeseung collected the bottles and cups from the living room area, his gaze followed your every movement around Jungkook, a cup nearly fell out of his hand at some point watching you hug him. He walked over to Chaewon, dropping the volume of his voice. “Are they really just friends?”
“If they weren’t ‘just friends’—” Chaewon made a motion with her hands, “would she have allowed me to flirt with him all night?” she blinked blankly at Heeseung, who had furrowed eyebrows that were twitching slightly. “God, you guys are so annoying, and frustratingly stupid. Why must I be subjected to this?” she threw her hands up in defeat, hypothetically waving a white flag in surrender. Sparing him no more chance to speak, she walked away just in time for you to return from your farewell to your beloved Fred.
“What’s up with her?” you mumbled as Chaewon stormed past you, grumbling somewhere along the lines of ‘misunderstandings’ and ‘get together already’. You took the bag filled with trash from Heeseung, handed it to Jay—still in his black and white face paint—for him to throw out. The apartment was mostly clean, lacking a bit of deep cleaning that you’d get to the next day. For now, you were content with your friends’ company and a cold bottle of beer.
“You know, I think I owe you an apology too,” it was only you and Heeseung at the kitchen table, you weren’t expecting another apologetic conversation to happen over some beer, but you didn’t complain. “I shouldn’t have stopped talking to you. I was angry and scared. I’m sorry,” he took a swig of his beer, his other hand was knocking on the wooden table. “And I’m sorry I wasn’t there for your mum’s birthday,”
One sacred secret you and Heeseung kept hidden from your other friends was this. It started with you inviting Heeseung to your hometown for a family event as your plus one. Looking back at it now, it was far more intimate compared to what you made it out to be. Not even every person would bring their partners to meet their family. Your family absolutely loved him, insisting on him to join them for every family occasion there was. Since then, he has been there for most birthdays.
In turn, it would only be fair if you got introduced to his family. Hence, he brought you to meet his family soon after he met yours, continuing on the tradition of joining each others’ family occasions. You were at his parents’ birthdays, and he was there for yours. It was your thing with Heeseung for years until he broke the streak in the months of you not speaking. You still remembered your mother asking for him, just for you to create a lame excuse of him being busy with work, having no courage to tell them the truth.
“You’re forgiven,” you clinked his beer bottle with yours, the sharp sound made the brief quietness which followed after less painful. “I guess we’re both equally at fault here,”
“I guess we are,” he fidgeted with his bottle, never letting his gaze falter from you for a second, as though he was making up for the moments he missed. “Your mum still wants me around, right?”
“Oh please, she was wondering where you were. You’re very missed,”
“I’m glad to hear,”
“And I’m not glad to have stroked your ego,”
You and him burst out laughing, clinking your bottles once more and taking a swift gulp out of it. Both of you sighed together in satisfaction from the taste of cold beer on your tongues, eliciting scattered giggles at that phenomenon. You never realised how much you’ve missed him. Forget about love and your feelings, you missed having him around as a friend. It hurts more deeply than you thought having someone from your everyday life disappear in an instant.
Before you could dwell on such melancholic thoughts, the rest of your friends came flooding around the table, forcing open the fridge to bring more bottles out. You met Yunjin’s eyes, a knowing look on her face told you she was highly aware of you and Heeseung’s ‘little moment’ alone. Of course, you wouldn’t doubt her, she was known to be a surveillance camera that scans through the entire premise. You gave her a nod, and that was a sufficient message for her to understand all was well.
“Who’s ready to drink?”
Yunjin’s definition of a ‘fun Saturday night’ was the complete opposite of what you had in mind.
You had a feeling you were an old woman in your past life for thinking a night in with some pizza, snacks, and board games would satisfy the criteria of a ‘fun Saturday’. However, your friends didn’t share the same idea. That was why you were all dressed up, sitting by the bar counter with no intentions to drink while Yunjin and Chaewon were busy downing shots after shots. Call you a buzz kill, but you weren’t stumbling out drunk. You were happy with your virgin mojito.
“What do you think the boys are doing tonight?” Yunjin was still admirably sober in spite of the amount of alcohol she consumed. She and her high alcohol tolerance should be investigated.
“Watching TV,” you assumed, mostly based on how you last saw them huddled in Heeseung and Jay’s apartment, tuning into another episode of ‘Seinfeld’ before all of you left for the bar.
“Oh, really? Then why do I see them approaching us,” Chaewon had a better angle of the door given her seating position. At that, you and Yunjin whipped your heads towards the door, disbelief fueling your system. When you told them of your plans, you weren’t expecting them to crash it.
“They really have to stop following us to girls’ night,” Yunjin groaned, returning a wave to Jake begrudgingly. It wasn’t the first time they appeared at girls’ night. You’d think they wouldn’t do it again, but clearly, it was your fault for thinking that way.
“No invite?” Jay made a weeping expression, trying his best to wedge himself in between Chaewon and Yunjin, resulting in them pushing him away.
“Are you guys eligible for girls’ night?” Chaewon deadpanned, sighing aloud.
“If you remove all the testosterone from our bodies, then maybe,” Heeseung slid into the seat next to yours, making himself comfortable as he actively ignored your disapproving gaze.
You switched your focus onto him, letting the others’ bickering fade into the background. He swiftly ordered his usual drink, gin on rocks, then looked at you, cocking an eyebrow with some extent of expectation that you’d start questioning him endlessly. Well, he was right.
“You don’t like coming out to bars unless something has happened. Tell me, which one of you got your heart broken?”
Heeseung laughed, realising you had a point. There was a reason why the both of you could click easily. You and him shared equal dislike for loud and crowded places, finding them overwhelming. “I did,”
“What?”
“I ended it with Wonyoung. Not that it had a label in the first place, but … I just thought it was time to stop,” out of everything you prepared yourself mentally to hear, this piece of information was the last you thought to receive. “It was amicable, don’t worry,”
“But why?”
“We don’t click. That’s it. I thought we did, but I was wrong,” he shrugged, thanking the bartender for the drink, wasting no time in taking a sip of it. “My heart wasn’t there. I think I left it some place else,” he left his heart with you, in the form of a chain which sat around your neck, tucked beneath your blouse.
“So the first thing you thought of was to come here and drink?”
“Wasn’t my idea. Jay insisted on coming after he heard about your plan,”
“That is very on brand of him,” you snorted, expecting nothing less of Jay for wrecking havoc whenever he had the chance to. “Are you doing okay?”
“I’m fine. I expected it at some point, so I suppose it hurts less this way,” Heeseung’s lack of expression made it hard to decipher what he was thinking, forcing you to guess while also treading carefully in unknown territory. “You’re right all along,” you didn’t reply, and waited for him to continue, a part of you cringed at the thought of the incident. Turns out, the projection of your jealousy wasn’t entirely wrong. “I knew we couldn’t work out when she said she didn’t like you guys—don’t be mad—except for Yunjin, I guess? How can I have someone who can’t stand my friends?”
“And to think we were actually rooting for her,” you were disappointed, but not surprised. There was always a feeling in your gut about Wonyoung regardless of your spiteful claim. You hated to be proven right in this context. At the same time, you’d also be lying if you said it didn’t provide some sense of satisfaction to you.
“What doesn’t kill you make you stronger,”
“Cheers to that,” you held up your glass, to which Heeseung gladly clinked. You shot him a quick smile before sipping your mocktail, looking at him with a little too much emotion in your eyes which you couldn’t contain. If you didn’t know better, they might’ve come off as heart eyes. You made sure to glance away for a hot minute when Heeseung put down his glass, he mustn’t see you in your weakest state.
“Look, I need a quick trip to the restroom. Wait for me. Maybe or maybe not, we can dip to get some of our favourite late night snacks,”
“Abandoning our friends? That’s evil,” you whispered, so that the others wouldn’t hear. Judging from their chaotic talking and continuous drinking, you doubted they would notice for even a bit. “I’m down,”
“Give me five minutes.”
Your eyes followed him into the crowd until he disappeared around the corner. Up till that moment, you were finally able to breathe more comfortably, feeling partially restrained by the unusual tension wedged in your dynamic with Heeseung. Although your friendship with him was mostly recovered, you still couldn’t shake off some persisting tension. It was sticking out like a sore thumb. The rest of the group were busy with their ongoing drinking game, dumping the two of you aside from the get-go, so you sat peeking over Yunjin’s shoulder to watch them play, minding your business with your drink in hand.
“Can I buy you a drink?”
So much for minding your own business. You turned at the sound of a stranger’s voice along with a tap on your shoulder, soon met with the face belonging to a handsomely charming man. As far as looks could get him, occupying a seat which was visibly taken based on the drink in its position on the counter wasn’t a good first impression. For the sake of courtesy, you offered a smile.
“Sorry, but the seat’s taken,” it was an indirect ‘no’, the nicest way you could put it without being harsh. Sparing him some embarrassment on his part was humane in your opinion, but apparently, rejection wasn’t an answer this man was willing to accept. The second you saw a switch in the way his face was screwed into, you peacefully realised trouble was imminent.
“I’m just trying to be nice, miss. I think a drink isn’t that big of a problem, no?”
“I appreciate it, but I’m not interested in accepting,”
“Really, one drink, that’s all,”
You were starting to cower in fear, gradually shrinking into your seat. “Sorry, no,”
“What’s going on?” Yunjin slurred behind you, the effects of alcohol evidently caught up to her. The activities happening within your circle of friends had halted at the minor commotion between you and this man who wouldn’t leave you alone. You and all of your friends had gotten to your feet in caution. They. in particular, were instantly poised for action if physical extraction was necessary.
“This guy wouldn’t go away,”
The man scoffed, removing himself off the high stool to stand on all ten toes as well. “I’m trying to get to know your friend. I’m offering to buy her a drink,”
“Hey man, she said ‘no’,” Heeseung couldn’t have chosen a better time to return. Without a single question asked, he was the first to leap into action. He instinctively put himself between you and the man, which unintentionally fueled the situation as it did nothing but agitated the man more. The man stepped closer to Heeseung, sizing him up as if it would successfully intimidate him. Heeseung didn’t like that at all, the mild twitch in his jaw gave his annoyance away. He held out his hand to put a distance between them. “Back off, dude,”
“And who are you?”
Heeseung’s attempt at mediating the escalating situation wasn’t looking very bright. He didn’t answer—totally the wrong move—so, the man continued closing in on him. You came to the conclusion that the man was purposefully making things worse by ticking Heeseung off. And he had indeed fallen into the trap before you could warn him. He was left with no other choices but to push the man on his shoulder in order for the man to fall back. “It’s none of your business. You should leave,”
While still standing behind Heeseung, you pulled at his sleeves, trying to get his attention even though you sensed his anger rising, and there was a high chance he couldn’t hear you past it. “Heeseung, I think we should go—”
“So, you’re protecting this bitch—”
A fist collided with the man’s cheek in a blur. Heeseung undeniably saw red, every ounce of rationality flew out of the window. The scene drew gasps from everyone in the vicinity, including you and your friends. Stunned was an understatement. Heeseung was known to be the calmest amongst the group, being the poster boy for thinking before acting. That was until now.
“Heeseung!”
The man recovered rather quickly from both the pain and the surprise. Just when you wanted to pull Heeseung away, another punch landed, except it was on Heeseung this time. This was surely his ticking point, because he quite literally slipped from your grasp, returning a punch to the man. You were watching in horror as the prior dispute somehow evolved into a fist fight. You wanted a boring night, this was miles off what ‘boring’ would be defined as.
Everything around you faded, your ears were muffled, you weren’t even aware of Yunjin and Chaewon dragging you to the side while Jay and Jake ran to pull Heeseung off of the man. The situation had become out of control. Staff and some customers came to help, managing to separate the two men from each other, both bloody and bruised. The fortunate part about this mess consisted of two things: nobody else was hurt, and nothing got destroyed. The unfortunate part was probably getting kicked out and banned, then having to end your night in the emergency room.
Heeseung suffered not only a split lip that had to be stitched, but also a boxer’s fracture discovered through an X-ray scan. His left hand was wrapped in an ulnar gutter splint—some medical term you recalled the doctor mentioning—immobilising specifically his pinky and ring finger, which meant he was totally inconvenienced by not being able to use his non-dominant hand for several weeks. You wished to laugh in his face for the consequences he brought upon himself. In spite of the thought of taunting him, you were far from being in the mood to do so.
Standing by the medical bed with him sitting on the edge, his injured hand elevated on a pillow, you scowled, not having said a word since you arrived. Every one of your friends had returned home after Heeseung insisted he was fine in your care. In retrospect, he should be thankful you weren’t currently choking him for his careless actions. Instead, he was suffering from both his injuries and your angered silent treatment as the two of you waited for discharge paperworks.
“I’m sorry,” Heeseung, at last, decided to be the one to break the icy silence formed rigidly in the room. A sharp inhalation of breath was your response for the next following moments, head shaking in what could be described as either disappointment or disapproval, you couldn’t figure which would be the most fitting for your current thoughts.
“‘Sorry’? What were you thinking? You were reckless, and incredibly thoughtless about your own safety,” you snapped, fear seeping through the anger you used to conceal your true emotions, the tremor of your hand might just be a telltale sign.
“I wanted to protect you!”
“I didn’t need protection!” you took half a step forward, Heeseung barely budged, keeping himself steady and overall composed. “You could’ve gotten more hurt than you already are right now,”
“But I didn’t,”
“That’s because people intervened before it got worse, smartass. You should be thankful the charges were dropped because the bartender backed you up,” you rubbed at your temple, pacing back and forth. His stubbornness was clashing with yours, making things ten times more difficult than it already was. You were able to understand why the last time the both of you fought had ended in neither of you speaking to each other again. “I didn’t want you to get hurt,”
“Who are you to get a say in that?”
You glowered at him, having the inability to form a logical answer to his response without the emotional side of you spilling all over. Sure, you could go with the reason of you being his dear best friend who was afraid to see him putting himself in danger, or you could go for the option of being silent and not utter those seven letters admitting you’re friends, because the last thing you’d like to touch upon in that emergency room was your feelings for him. It was a sensitive subject.
“Excuse me?” out of all the possible times to appear, the nurse had to pick the one where you and Heeseung were in the middle of another altercation. Another not assuring point to note was the nurse awkwardly handing you the paperwork to sign, looking thoroughly uncomfortable and very much aware of what was going down moments before she entered. Great, you took your chances to sign the discharge paperwork and stormed out at the last flick of your signature, your frustration blinding you the entire way to the front of the hospital.
You gasped for air, the stuffiness inside the emergency room restricted your airways, in addition, the whole exchange with Heeseung only pressed harder onto your lungs. Watching cars come and go, patients arriving and leaving, you felt helpless for the first time in a while, consumed by your fear that was creeping up on you without your knowledge. You stood there, alone and confused, no one to come to your aid.
“Y/N,” you registered Heeseung’s voice, only you were a moment’s short of a reaction as he grabbed a hold of your wrist, tugging onto your arm to turn you around. You didn’t push him away. An arm in a cast, physically dishevelled, panting and out of breath from chasing you, Heeseung wasn’t backing down without a fight, one that he hoped wouldn’t land him in the hospital once more. “Answer me. What am I to you?”
“What?”
“What am I to you?”
“You’re my friend,”
“Bullshit,”
“My best friend,”
“Bullshit!” he snarled, spewing the word through clenched teeth, unable to contain his rage nor keep his voice from rising. His grip on you remained firm, contrasting the waver of emotions seen in his eyes. “Is this really what you think about me—about us? Because I don’t believe you,”
“Then what do you think about us?”
“Don’t turn this on me,”
“You’re the one who got a girlfriend first then suddenly dropped this out of nowhere! Not to mention, right after breaking up with her,”
“That’s because I wished she were you,” this was enough to shut you up, rendering you speechless, all vocabulary seemed to escape your brain, not that there were any appropriate ones to use at that moment. “I thought being with someone else would erase what I felt for you. It seemed to have worked for a short while, until I realised that’s not how it works, and I was thinking about you the whole time,” he paused, but you didn’t know if it was for you to take it in or for himself to not crumble. “You said you knew me, but clearly not enough to tell that I’m in love with you, and I’ve always been in love with you,”
His confession had taken a toll on him, every last bit of strength he saved since running after you was slowly depleting. You felt him letting go of your arm, sighing deeply, the sound of your heartbeats filled the cold night air. Heeseung stared back at you weakly, pleading for you to break the silence on your end. You were a fool, a self-sabotaging lunatic who was ruining yourself at the thought of him falling for someone else in the first place, just to back away out of fear when he admitted his feelings to you directly. When were you going to stop running away?
“We can either leave here like how we were before, pretend nothing happened, or we can leave knowing the truth,” Heeseung had thrown the ball into your court, rightfully giving you your turn to speak your truth or forever hold your peace. Your hands were balled into fists at each side, nails digging crescent moons into your palm, the cooling breeze did nothing to help the heat travelling up your entire body.
“God damn it, Heeseung, I love you,” you bursted at the seams, the only secret you’ve kept to yourself was freed, pouring out of you like a gushing fountain. “I love you, and I’m in love with you too,” The months you’ve spent dwelled on this—your love for your best friend of several years—hadn’t prepared you to face it head on, because you were definitely holding in every ounce of tears amassed over that era of your life. “I was scared—I am scared, that if I ever told you how I really feel, I’d lose you, and everything we built would be gone,”
You shifted on your two feet, never once did you dare to look away from Heeseung, still petrified that whatever left your mouth would ruin the friendship that had already been over since you discovered your feelings for him. “I tried convincing myself we were nothing but friends, until I couldn’t anymore, and it hurts. It really did when I saw you with someone else, that’s when I thought I had lost you,”
“You never lost me, you never would’ve lost me,” Heeseung took your trembling hand into his, intertwining his fingers with yours. Something you’ve done countless times suddenly felt more intimate than it should be. Given the proximity and the vulnerable confessions, everything significantly changed, realising there was no point of return. “You were always a part of me,”
“Tell me this is real, that whatever I’ve felt between us has always been real,” you searched for his eyes, for some sort of confirmation to your fears which persisted in haunting you. He squeezed your hand, putting on a smile just for you, the edge of his eyes crinkled a little.
“It is real, more than you can ever comprehend. You complete me.”
Heeseung never gave you a chance to speak this time. He chose to be selfish. Once you’ve come to wrap your scrambled mind around his words, he has freed his hand from your grasp, pulling you in with that hand now placed on your cheek, lips colliding onto yours.
Everything felt right. How you moved against each others’ lips, rough and passionate, barely holding yourselves back after months, or rather years of built up tension and silent confessions pushed down for the sake of keeping your friendship safe. That could all be forgotten now. The idea of a friendship flew out of your mind when you melted into his touch. His calloused palm cradled the side of your side face, moving it to a certain angle just so he could deepen the kiss.
The amount of kiss scenes you’ve indulged from watching too many rom-coms would never have prepared yourself for this. Ever. Kissing Heeseung was different, he was different. It was sweet, gentle, and too familiar, as though kissing him was a second instinct of yours, almost like a birthright. You were experiencing every butterfly, every spark, every bit of nervousness that you’d normally get whenever his gaze lingered a minute too long, where his hands would brush against yours, or those times he would look at you in a group full of people. You were always the center of his world, you just never brought yourself to notice.
The both of you gradually pulled away after what seemed like an eternity trapped in heaven, but not completely apart, still resisting to separate, chasing each others’ lips with a hunger to appease. In the end, you settled to rest your forehead against his, noses close to touching, breaths fanning one anothers’ lips. Neither of you spoke for a while, basking in the ambience, all while you held onto him, and he held onto you closer.
“Does that mean our friendship is ruined now?” you whispered faintly, grinning widely and giddy from the aftermath of your kiss.
“I think it’s been ruined for a long time,” Heeseung’s thumb caressed the expanse of your cheek, moving away to press a soft kiss on your temple. “And I don’t regret any part of it,” he shook his head, gaze boring into yours with no intention to ever leave. “Except I didn’t get to kiss you sooner,”
There he was, classic Heeseung with his smart mouth, trying to win you completely by pulling out the methods he used on ladies for them swoon over him. You punched his shoulder, scoffing at him and that smug smile on his stupidly charming face. “Then kiss me again.”
You didn’t need to tell Heeseung twice before he swooped in to connect his lips with yours for a second time that night. Sparks flew, electricity coursed through your veins, it felt like you were kissed by him for the first time all over again. Holding onto each other, none of you dared to let go, terrified this moment would suddenly disappear and fade into nothingness. But it was never meant to be fleeting nor short-lived, instead, merely a goodbye to this ending, welcoming a new beginning.
In the middle of New York City, standing right in front of a hospital, you were kissing a man you’ve fallen in love with, your best friend who got himself injured just for your sake. If anything, you’d consider this to be a better plot than any of your favourite movies. The story of how you and Heeseung fell in love might be competing for the position of ‘When Harry Met Sally’ in your life.
The festive season in the city was an absolute dream.
You got to go Christmas shopping, visit coffee shops for a sizzling cup of hot chocolate, and head to a few rounds of ice skating just so you could prove to everyone you wouldn’t fall. It was your favourite time of the year. This time was no different from the other years you spent in New York. Staying in on a cold day, wrapped in layers of clothing, preparing for the annual Christmas dinner followed by an after party you and your friends threw as a tradition, everything about the holiday was perfect. The only contrast to other years was the label to you and Heeseung’s relationship.
That’s right. You and Heeseung were no longer friends, you and him had become a couple. It took five years and six months for the both of you to reach this stage in life. After a total of over a hundred failed dates, two boyfriends, and three girlfriends plus three unofficial-no-label partners over the course of these five years, you and him finally learnt there was no point in finding love elsewhere, when it’s been next to you the entire time. Maybe you had to spend a long time to learn that, but a lesson was still a lesson at the end of the day.
“You guys are disgusting,” Chaewon could only roll her eyes and shake her head at the sight of Heeseung giving you a peck on the lips. She couldn’t bring herself to complain as she was one of the members to ride the train of bringing you and Heeseung together. Despite her funny little digs, she would be smiling watching the both of you severely struck by the love bug.
“It’s Christmas, cheer up,” you nudged her with your elbow, holding carefully onto the freshly baked lasagna. The last, grandest piece of the Christmas dinner presented on your kitchen table. You should bear in mind to hire caterers next year, the exhaustion was indescribable.
“If only Santa could wrap a capable man for me this Christmas, and gift him to me,” Chaewon grumbled, falling into one of the chairs with a loud sigh. The smell of cooked food had attracted flies in the form of men into the dining area. Jay and Jake soon came rushing in to snatch a seat at the table, fighting over who would be the one to hog the turkey leg.
“Am I not a part of this fight anymore?” Heeseung slid into the chair next to you, seemingly offended that he was excluded from the traditional turkey discourse. You, Yunjin, and Chaewon snickered at the silliness of their behaviour, a common happening you and your friends were desensitized to.
“You have a girlfriend, Heeseung, the least you can do is leave the turkey leg to us,” Jake pointed a finger at Heeseung, earning a disgruntled grunt of agreement from Jay. Heeseung shrugged, knowing they weren’t wrong, contentedly throwing an arm around you, while also smugly grinning at the two men. You rolled your eyes, but didn’t brush his touch away either.
With a clap of your hands, you announced the start of the dinner. “Eat up, everyone. Before the guests start coming.”
Hours later, you and Yunjin’s apartment was congested with friends and families, nothing you’ve never experienced before, you just forgot how overwhelming it was at some point. The music you put on the background was effectively drowned out due to scattered loud chatters, your friends were dispersed all over the apartment as well. You were at least happy to see the condiment platters being savagely cleared thanks to certain hungry individuals (most likely Jay). Seeing your hard work enjoyed by others was somewhat fulfilling, but you had a feeling it was the festive mood speaking on your behalf.
“Hey,” Heeseung appeared by your side as you replenished the platters, helping you to take them to the table. You followed him with empty hands.
“Hi,” your hands weren’t so empty anymore when he grabbed them immediately after, pulling you along with him, squeezing through groups of people. He stopped directly next to the stereo in the corner, away from the crowd, just the two of you keeping each other company. He turned the volume higher, barely loud enough to overpower the sound of people’s voices, but just right for you to listen. George Benson’s ‘Nothing’s Gonna Change My Love for You’ began playing.
“You’re tired,” he stated, bringing both your hands over his shoulders, resting them comfortably there, his own placed on your waist. You let him lead, body naturally swaying to the lazy rhythm of the music, slow dancing in this tiny corner while others were occupied. It was you and him in your own world, nobody else would come to disturb or ruin your moment together.
“It’s always exhausting when it comes to throwing parties. I think we should have a vacation for the next holiday, escape all of this,”
“Where would you like to go?”
You pondered for a while, speaking off the top of your head. “I’m thinking the Bahamas,”
“You really love the beach, don’t you?”
“Only if you’re there picking seashells with me,” you pressed a long kiss by the edge of his mouth, taking in the smile that instantly appeared on his face, a look of love and adoration was written all over him. He was a man who stood at the top of the world regardless of what he wanted or wished to achieve.
“I’ll gladly collect every seashell on the beach if it meant getting to spend time with you,” he hummed, squeezing your waist playfully just to hear you laugh at the tickling sensation. You slapped at his chest, a few more laughter lingered from either one of you, George Benson in the background being replaced by ‘With or Without You’ by U2. Heeseung glanced up briefly, a grin slowly formed, and you understood it was a sign of mischief. He was up to no good. “Uh oh, mistletoe alert,”
Following his actions, you tilted your head back, spotting a mistletoe hanging above your head. You didn’t know whether to be annoyed, impressed, or amused. Perhaps you were all. “You planted it there, didn’t you?”
Heeseung feigned ignorance, raising both shoulders with a devious smirk. He was a hundred percent guilty. “Maybe I did, maybe I didn’t,”
You stared at him, still moving to the music playing, saying nothing, only letting your eyes wander every feature on his face. From his large deer-like eyes, to the slope of his nose, down to the pout of his lips, those were the features that welcomed you to the city on your first day, ones which you admired many times. Now, they would one day be passed down onto your children. Heeseung was the man you loved, and nothing would ever change that.
“I love you,”
It wasn’t the first time Heeseung heard those three sacred words coming from you. In fact, he heard it day in, day out, you made sure he wouldn’t forget it, and he never once got sick of listening to your voice, listening to you express your love to him like it hadn’t been done before. He removed his hands from your waist, choosing to settle them on either side of your cheeks. “I love you too.”
Under the mistletoe, Heeseung kissed you like it was his very first time doing so. You forgot about the people, the music, the cold, and quite frankly, the presents waiting for you. All that mattered to you was having your best friend, your forever partner, in your arms, holding onto you with such gentleness it could almost be compared to the snow falling outside your window.
Moving to New York City was the best choice you’ve made for yourself. You found your identity, a good job, an amazing group of friends, and a forever person to spend the rest of your life with. The advice you’d give to someone who’s new to the city would probably be: one, get to know your neighbour; two, accept the pizza your neighbour offers, then wait for whatever that comes next and go along with wherever the wind blows. Remember, it’s always good to ruin the friendship too.
SYNOPSIS: New York City promised you a lot of things. Big opportunities, a better social life, a lavish city for you to explore, everything and anything but love. While you searched for this thing called ‘love’ by going on dates and being introduced to men after men, you continued to ignore the only person who you’ve always loved, your neighbour across the hall, Lee Heeseung. As you embarked on this journey through life, you realised you were letting him slip away from your grasp as you denied this very thing you longed for. But nothing was ever too late if only you’d face your fears and ruin the damn friendship.
PAIRINGS: non-idol!heeseung x afab!reader
GENRE: (two idiotic) best friends to lovers, fluff, angst, romance, slow burn, inspired by chandler and monica from 'FRIENDS' (tv show) and 'when harry met sally'
WARNING(S): profanities, mentions of alcohol, slight violence
WC: 23k
PLAYLIST: fresh out the slammer, ruin the friendship by taylor swift / a couple minutes, let alone the one you love by olivia dean / almost is never enough, my everything by ariana grande
AUTHOR'S NOTE: i'm ALIVE. happy 2026, sorry for the long wait because life's hectic. this has been in my drafts for a long time and i finally wrote it but ofc it ended up being over 20k lol. please leave a feedback and reblogs are greatly appreciated! muah xx
It’s been five years since you’ve moved to New York. The bustling city was overwhelming to say the least. Fast paced and filled with people of all kinds, settling in definitely took you some time. In those five years, you unexpectedly found yourself in a group of friends. As cliche as it sounded, you were convinced fate had set every one of you up in a peculiar way. From then onwards, the six of you have stuck together and terrorized the coffee shop as a spot for your daily hangouts.
Everything first started off when you moved into your new apartment. You were housing with a girl called Jennifer Huh, or better known as Huh Yunjin, a native New Yorker. She was easy to be friends with, having a natural outgoing personality, she helped you settle in easier than expected. Soon, you met her friend who lived nearby, Kim Chaewon, another bubbly personality added to the mix. The three of you naturally became an inseparable trio when there were way too many common interests shared between all of you.
Moving on from that, it didn’t take long before you met your neighbour too, the one that lived across the hall. Turns out, it was a man that occupied the apartment, seemingly being in the same situation as Yunjin was with the entire housemate hunt, but obviously, that changed when you came along. He, on the contrary, was stuck dealing with that trouble. His name was Lee Heeseung. He was kind, a little too handsome for your eyes to handle and had a mouth that spewed sarcasm like his life depended on it.
Heeseung was searching for a housemate too, but unlike Yunjin, he had a rougher experience with more failures than success. That luck soon changed when you came home to a bunch of boxes piled by the door of Heeseung’s apartment, another pretty face appearing to introduce himself as ‘Jay’, features strong enough to knock wind out of your lungs, matching his velvety smooth voice that would knock your panties off too. It took you and the girls a lot of courage to face Jay, who was deemed as the ‘handsome one’ without his knowledge.
“He won’t bite.” Heeseung snarkily whispered to the three of you when he saw you and your friends huddled into one corner of the couch in the coffee shop, listening to Jay’s complaints about his new job.
To make matters more interesting, Jay soon brought a new friend to the group, a fresh face to the city similarly to you. Sim Jaeyun, who actually insisted on being called Jake, was not only new to the city, but also the country. He was originally from Australia but moved to New York for his job. A cute, awkward guy that stumbled over his words from time to time, reminding you of a puppy, basically that summed him up as a whole.
From the comforts of your apartment to the coffee shop nearby, the six of you spent days, months, years together, not remembering the time where you’re not together, which was probably never. Fast forward to the present day now that years have passed, many have changed when it came to the world, but ultimately, your friendship remained.
“Do you guys still have milk?” you opened your door to a topless Heeseung, bed hair still present, unbothered by your judgemental eye roll as he followed you in.
“Well, good morning to you too,” you grumbled, getting back to your own breakfast.
“Morning,” he flashed a smile at you, then proceeded to dig through your fridge for the milk he came for. “Bingo,” he slammed the door shut, holding onto your box of milk victoriously.
Heeseung walked past you casually, heading towards the door only to stop in his tracks, turning his body to face you in a dramatic manner. You glanced up from your bowl of cereal, seeing the obvious question marks plastered on his entire face.
“Are you still going on that date with Marcus?” he pointed the milk at you, an eyebrow raised. The minor twitch of that same eyebrow didn’t go unnoticed, a quirk of his whenever he’s mildly annoyed. For whatever reason, you didn’t know. You brushed off your initial reaction to that detail, responding to him with an unimpressed stare.
“It's Mark,” you corrected through a mouthful of cereal, watching him slowly approach the table, leaning against the chair opposite of you. “And yes, I am. Aren’t you going on a date with that Jessica girl you met at the coffee shop?”
“I am,” he shifted uneasily on his feet, still maintaining that look in his eyes, the one that he has whenever he interrogates you at the mention of a date. It was rather unreadable, he tended to hide it pretty quickly once he realised you caught onto it. Heeseung and you were no strangers to each others’ love lives, constantly curious about potential dates, wishing to indulge purely out of interest. This time, however, Heeseung seemed to emit a much different intent than before. “That’s not important, though. So, what's Mark like?”
“Your date isn’t important but mine is? What? You want him instead?” you deadpanned, attempting to amuse him dryly, unable to understand the reason behind him suddenly prying into the information of your date when he would usually choose to spare listening to the details.
“I’m just … asking,” Heeseung shrugged, a 180 switch from one minute ago, acting as if he could care less, but the stiffness in his stance was telling you otherwise.
You finished the last of your breakfast, getting out of your seat to clean up, hearing Heeseung shuffling around behind you in your quiet apartment. “He’s nice, a decent guy with a funny humour, quite awkward, but also charming,” you described Mark to Heeseung, though you found it was rather simple and vague once you verbally said it out loud, not that you knew him more than that. “What about Jessica?”
Heeseung hadn’t expected you to turn his question on him. He was stunned for a moment, but was quick to recover himself. “She’s cute, really sweet, smart and works in a hospital,”
You nodded slowly, putting the dishes away before turning to face him, resting your hip against the counter. “Where are you taking this girl?”
“The restaurant down the street from the coffee house,”
“The Italian one? What a coincidence. Mark made a reservation at the Spanish restaurant across from it,”
“Of course he did,” Heeseung muttered inaudibly under his breath, just quiet enough for you to not catch onto his words. It only got him a very confused frown from you, your stance changing to rest a hand on your waist.
“What?”
He waved his hand dismissively at you, laughing lightly to distract you from his peculiar behaviour. “Nothing. Maybe we’ll run into each other tonight … or not,”
“Maybe,” you echoed, thinking about the several times you’ve actually ran into Heeseung in the middle of your dates and vice versa. You and him never had dates outside of the area, frequently going to places nearby, but bizarrely, you never question the coincidences if the two of you saw each other.
“I’ll see you later at the coffee house. I heard Jake has some news he wants to tell us,” Heeseung had his hand on the doorknob, ready to leave, his gaze on you unwavering. It was an early morning, yet there was something odd lingering in the air between you and him that you could not comprehend. When it comes to your conversations about dates with Heeseung, it has always been lighthearted discussions, unlike this time where you found yourself troubled and him acting out of character.
“See you, Hee,” you softly bid him a temporary goodbye, absentmindedly using a nickname that only you had reserved for him. He flashed you a quick smile before closing the door, leaving you alone to marinate in the aftermath of your short yet questionable conversation. The thoughts of him persisted for too long till the door to Yunjin’s room swung open, and you failed to notice it.
“Who was that?” her voice successfully brought you out of your daydreams, you could tell from her expressions that she had spotted your strange behaviour almost at once, reminding you to snap out of it and return yourself back to your senses. Call it morning grumpiness or a Heeseung shake up. “Was it Heeseung?” you couldn’t deduce if Yunjin was simply assuming it was him or she had guessed it accurately from the look on your face.
“Yeah,” you chose to feign ignorance, pretending you weren’t bothered by him or even the mention of his name.
Yunjin groaned deeply, rolling her eyes far enough that it might’ve gone to the back of her head. “Did he take our milk again?”
The morning rolled by without either of you bringing up Heeseung’s name once more. As usual, when lunch time came around, the entire group was present at the coffee house, crowding the designated spot, all of you arriving from each of your offices, waiting for Jake to spill his burning hot news.
“So, what’s the big announcement, Jakey boy?” Yunjin sipped on her hot tea, eyeing Jake sharply as he set his briefcase down, the tailored suit hugging his figure perfectly.
“I got offered to teach at NYU!” Jake almost jumped at the announcement, looking as though he had been holding that information in for ages. The group cheered in sync, yelling a collection of congratulations, each one of you taking turns to hug him out of genuine shared excitement. “I’ll be an engineering professor, isn’t it crazy?”
“That’s great, Jake!” Chaewon was the last to hug him, patting him enthusiastically on the back while she made sure her coffee didn’t spill over. She set her mug down, eyes lighting up at an idea that seemed to have appeared in her mind. “How about we go out and celebrate?”
Jake beamed at her suggestion, his answer was already written all over his face. “We should. Shouldn’t we, guys? What about dinner tonight?”
Heeseung glanced at you, meeting your knowing gaze, a mutual understanding passing through the two of you. He turned to Jake, hating to ruin the moment for just a split second. “Sorry pal, Y/N and I have dates tonight. How about tomorrow night?”
“You two are finally going on a date?”
The atmosphere around the group stilled, everyone stopped whatever they were doing, halted mid drink or bite, just to stare at you and Heeseung. Worst part of all, they didn’t even bother questioning Jake’s obvious error. You were sure every one of them had heard and understood Heeseung clearly, but instead, they chose to go with Jake’s misinterpretation.
“What?” Speaking in sync wasn’t entirely helping your case either. You and Heeseung exchanged incredulous glances, facing your group of friends after with nothing but an obvious look of ‘are you kidding me‘, as though their foolishness were incomprehensible to you and Heeseung.
“Wait, you’re not going on a date together?” Jake threaded the waters carefully, shrinking into his seat in embarrassment, contrary to the rest, who perked up in overwhelming interest.
“We’re not going on a date together, not with each other,” Heeseung corrected, sighing loudly out of his flaring nostrils.
“We have dates scheduled with other people. I’m going out with Mark, remember the guy I was saying—”
“Oh! The cute guy from my marketing department!” Chaewon jogged her memory, remembering the details better than Heeseung did. Speaking of him, he was fortunate enough to avoid getting caught rolling his eyes at the mention of your date, a minor detail that went a long way.
“That’s right, Chae, thank you,” you nodded at her, smiling sweetly. “Heeseung’s going out with … who’s she again?” You flashed an apologetic look at him, though it wasn’t convincing. You did remember her name, you were just doing this out of spite, and yes, you were aware of Heeseung glaring at you.
“Jessica,”
“The one with the big tits?” Jay spoke his mind a little too freely, garnering a collective questionable look from the group. He merely shrugged, not one ounce of regret seen in his expressions.
“No, the one with a big heart,” Heeseung grumbled, the sarcasm in his comment remained as per usual.
“Well, we thought—”
“We thought nothing,” Yunjin cut through Chaewon’s words quicker than the speed of light, shooting her a warning glare that you might need to read into after. You and Heeseung couldn’t understand what they meant, neither did the two of you notice the wary looks exchanged between your friends. It was the exact feeling of getting left out of an inside joke, but it was less stinging to know you had Heeseung with you in that experience. “Anyway, should we set dinner for tomorrow night?”
As if on cue, everyone responded with unanimous agreement, brushing past the prior topic without a second thought. You figured it was strange how your friends had reacted to the very ridiculous idea of you and Heeseung going on a date with each other. Plus, what did Jake mean with ‘finally’? Weren’t you and Heeseung just friends, the same way it was with the others?
Hypothetically speaking, if you were to go out on a date with him, what’s so wrong with that?
For that night, to everyone’s disappointment, you already had a date, and his name was Mark. You decided to shake the thoughts away until you were standing by the entrance of your apartment, waiting for your date’s arrival so that you two could walk down to the restaurant together. It was an arrangement you purposely requested, thinking a walk would add some spice to it.
“Hey,”
You didn't need to turn to find out who it was that appeared. From the voice alone, including the warm presence you felt, you concluded that Heeseung had made his presence known. He stood next to you, hands in his pockets, decked out in a sleek suit.
“Hey. You're all dressed up,” you reached over to fix his tie, straightening it to make sure it wasn’t crooked. After all, a good impression was important. “And, you finally know how to tie your own tie,”
“I always knew how to do that,” Heeseung argued back, though it was a weak argument, knowing you had struck dead on a bullseye.
“No, you don't,”
“Yes, I do,”
“Then who’s been the one tying it for you whenever you mess up? Jay?”
Heeseung breathed sharply through his nose, realising you had the last word, but he didn’t mind, a smile proved it, just from thinking about the memories of you fixing his every fucked up tie. “It’s you,”
“That’s right,” you saw that smile of his stretched across his lips, the suddenness of your heart jumping at the sight made your hand fall from his tie, your expressions unknowingly faltering. You recovered yourself in an instant, relieved that Heeseung hadn’t caught onto it. “Are you waiting here too?”
“I’m heading to the restaurant, we’re meeting there. Is your date coming? We can walk together if you’d like,”
“I’d love to, but we’re meeting here,” you softened at his suggestion, noting the hint of disappointment in your tone that you hoped he didn’t notice. There was a short moment of silence that neither you nor him minded, just taking in each other’s presence. “Thanks, Heeseung,”
Heeseung smiled, but it didn’t reach his eyes like it always did. Despite the noises surrounding you, whether it was people talking or the traffic of the busy city, in that moment, you only had each other in focus. “No problem. See you tomorrow?”
You nodded, reaching your hand over again to give him a slightly encouraging squeeze to the shoulder. “I’ll see you tomorrow. Good luck,”
“You too.”
Meeting Mark started off great, the walk to the restaurant had gone according to plan, you managed to get to know more about this guy in Chaewon’s marketing department. He loved cycling, had a cat, lived in the upstate area, basically an ideal recipe for a good boyfriend. You knew you could trust Chaewon’s taste.
Dinner had a slow start to it. You listened to Mark talking about his latest discoveries of restaurants nearby, liking how he carried himself, especially when he spoke of his interests that only made him more interesting. Maybe, just maybe, there was a chance that this would break your ‘first date curse’, that there’d be an actual second date waiting for you.
However, you were wrong, so wrong.
By the time dessert was served, you thought your ears were about to fall off from Mark’s continuous rant about his ex girlfriend. At first, it began with only a simple mention of her, eventually it turned into an emotional spiel, then finally, he decided to close the night off with confessing his longings for her, which beats the entire purpose of the date and ruined your appetite for dessert.
You didn’t bother for him to walk you home, you figured you needed alone time to sort out your afterthoughts about the disastrous date. The moment you bid him goodbye, you knew there was no next time, surely you weren’t going to bump into him either. Once he disappeared around the corner, you found the courage to move, but as you were about to turn and leave, you spotted another figure across the street.
Heeseung.
Likewise, he had seen you at the same time that you did, meeting your eyes almost instantly. You couldn’t help frowning, noticing the lack of his date’s presence, questioning why he was alone just like you were. It didn’t take him another second before he crossed the road skillfully, dodging the traffic as if it was nothing. He appeared right in front of you within a blink of an eye, wearing the brightest smile that resembled the stars in the night sky.
“Didn’t think I’d see you tonight,” you said truthfully, thinking the interaction you had with him before the date was going to be the last time you saw him until the next day. Little did you know, fate had other things set in motion for you and him.
“I thought so too. I’m glad I got to see you though,” he was genuine, you could tell, his smile remained on his face softly, as if your presence was enough to evoke one from him. “How’s your date? Has he left?”
“Don’t talk about my date, it was another disaster,”
“Was he married again?”
“What—no! God, no. I don’t think I can handle it if it happened again,” you shook your head harshly, mostly trying to physically shake the thoughts from your head. You swallowed, uncomfortably shifting on your feet. “He was talking about his ex,”
“Ouch!” Heeseung exclaimed, dramatically placing a hand on his chest.
“I know!”
“The worst kind of date to have,”
“Tell me about it. I had to sit there and hear him yap about her and how she’s a bitch, but then she’s suddenly an angel that he lost,”
His eyebrows furrowed, a frown pulled at his lips, the same one he had whenever a waiter got his order wrong. He clicked his tongue, shaking his head gently. “You know what he truly lost? You,”
You searched his eyes for the truth, terrified he was lying through his teeth, that he was saying things to make your heart jump just for it to be all in your head. “You’re only saying that to make me feel better,”
“I've never lied to you, Y/N,” there, in the middle of a sidewalk, in his suit, Heeseung confessed his thoughts, the moon illuminating the honesty hidden behind his eyes, highlighting the truth laced in his words. “You looked beautiful tonight,”
“Thank you,” you had to ignore the feeling of warmth creeping up your cheeks, hoping—no—praying the darkness managed to cover it. “How was your date? I don’t see her anywhere,”
Heeseung pulled a face, shoulders stiffening at the mention of his night, which gave the clear impression that it didn’t turn out well. “She’s … I don’t know. I didn’t click with her, unfortunately. I don’t think she was interested either, honestly. We went our own ways after, that’s it,”
“Oh, Heeseung,” you winced, making a face that screamed ‘yikes’, causing him to click his tongue in annoyance.
“Don’t start the pity party, it was mutual,” he reached for your arm, pulling you to walk with him, starting your journey back to the apartment. You couldn’t explain it, but the usual route back home became more comforting with him by your side. “I think I might lay off the whole dating thing for a while and focus on work,”
“When was the last time you got laid?”
Heeseung turned to look at you with his mouth hung open midway, partially offended but also shocked at the fact that you dared to ask a question knowing it targeted his already weakened pride. This wasn’t the type of topic the two of you would shy away from, the years of being friends amounted to many awkward instances that trained either of you to turn insensitive to things others would view as taboos in friendships consisting of opposite genders.
You raised an eyebrow, prodding him to answer your question. He rolled his eyes dramatically, exhaling a long, exhausted sigh. All this and he would call you the ‘drama queen’. “Almost three months ago,”
“A-ha! No wonder you said that,” you pointed an accusatory finger at him, nearly cackling in his face. “Men who say they ‘give up’ on dating are usually the ones that are fumbling their chances with a girl time after time. Is that not you?”
“Ouch?” he placed a hand on his chest, mocking a bullet to his heart, feigning a devastated frown to earn pity points from you. Spoiler alert, it failed, because all you could do was laugh at him, ticking him off further. “It’s not my fault I can’t click with anyone. They’re not …” Heeseung bit his tongue at the realisation of almost completing his sentence with ‘you’, the word coming to him in an instinct he didn’t bother to question. Shaking the thought away, he decided to omit it, burying it down in the pits of his abdomen. “They’re not the kind of people that share the same values as I do, you know?”
“I know,” you nodded slowly, wearing a small smile, somewhat relating to him on various levels. The date with Mark being a sinking ship was clear evidence. “I’m not having any luck in that department either. Look at us tonight,” you met his eyes, sharing a mutual understanding, one that neither of you needed to communicate, resulting in a fit of laughter, self-deprecating and wildly targeted at yourselves.
“It just means not yet,” by the time he said that, the both of you had already arrived on the doorsteps of your apartments, conveniently across from each other. It sounded close to a promise of the future, the conviction in his voice nearly convinced you. You hummed in response, contemplating his words, quietly pondering if the day where you’d find love would come. Movies depicting New York as the city where love resided gave you a sense of false hope when you got here. Now years later, you were slapped in the face with the reality of its dating pool.
Choosing to move past the topic of love and dating, you decided to bring up a much more relevant question that’s been bugging you since you saw him earlier on. “Are you coming over for breakfast tomorrow? I'm making pancakes,”
“Are they better than Jay’s?”
“Probably not, but I swear I’ll put butter on top instead of whip cream, the way you like it best,”
“You know me too well,”
You smiled. Of course you did. “Goodnight, Heeseung.”
“Goodnight, Y/N.”
Neither of you dared to reach out to hug the other, it was evident that the both of you wanted to, but unexplainably so, you were too afraid to. Maybe it was the sudden switch in the atmosphere that you couldn’t pinpoint accurately. All you knew was that you could feel his gaze linger on you even as you entered your apartment, feeling his warmth in the empty apartment of yours.
“Heeseung was here for breakfast this morning,”
In your shared living room with Yunjin, she happened to be bringing up some minor details of the day to Chaewon. The three of you were getting ready for Jake’s celebratory dinner at a fine dining restaurant uptown. It would only be fair if you got to prepare yourselves together, choosing the best dresses and gossiping about the latest scandal, except it somehow redirected to you.
“And you got home pretty late last night too,” Yunjin pointed a finger at you, two pairs of eyes turned to look at you, expecting at least a pinch of explanation for a link between these two situations. Shrugging, you couldn’t understand what Yunjin was trying to get out of this, or you were pretending not to know where it was going.
“I had a date with Mark, remember?”
“Nuh-uh,” Yunjin chastised, clicking her tongue, and wagging her finger. Chaewon, on the other hand, scratched at her head, closely observing Yunjin’s thorough investigation. “He’s not the one who walked you home. You would always invite your dates in for coffee, but you didn’t last night, so it means the date failed,”
Right, you didn’t need another reminder from Sherlock Holmes telling you that the only date you had in several months ended up in a ditch. “Okay! Yes, my date with Mark didn’t go as planned,” you threw your arms up in surrender, hoping to move on from your misery, thus choosing to come clean against your will. You moved from the kitchen table to fling your body onto the couch, the bottom of your shirt riding up your hip. “I bumped into Heeseung, then we walked home together, that’s all,”
Yunjin and Chaewon exchanged a knowing glance instantly, as if it was on instinct, leaving you completely out of the loop. They got up from their respective positions and joined you on the couch, one on each side, closing in on you with questions written all over their faces. “That’s … all?” Chaewon added, sounding either hopeful or skeptical, a blurry line between the two,
“Yes,” you affirmed, scoffing humorously at your friends’ ridiculous behaviours. “What?” you turned your head from one to the other to give both of them a curious frown, unable to gauge their thoughts. Whatever they were, they weren’t good, nor were they going to make your frown turn upside down.
“Are you wearing Heeseung’s shirt?” Yunjin pointed at the graphic tee you had on, fooling nobody as it obviously was not fitted for you. To dig your grave deeper, your friends believed you weren’t a fan of Star Trek either, hence the shirt with a large print of Spock made no sense. “He came in asking if he left it here,”
“I borrowed it, that’s it,” you presented your point, but Yunjin and Chaewon weren’t pleased. They were nowhere near satisfied, and it seemed they were willing to go lengths just to squeeze an answer or any semblance of information out of you whether you liked it or not. Your friends were crazy. Period. A fact you had known since the beginning.
“What is Heeseung to you, Y/N?” Yunjin propped her elbows on her knees, chin rested on her palms, staring expectantly at you through her eyelashes.
“Huh?” One question from Yunjin suddenly had the power to wipe off every thought from your head, mind as blank as a sheet of paper. If anything, it was panic that set in.
“You heard her, Y/N,” Chaewon nudged you, seeing through your act of ignorance. Obviously she would, she knew you the best when it came to your feelings. “What’s it between you and Heeseung?”
“He’s my friend—my best friend,” you emphasised on ‘friend’ as though it was successfully helping your point. It was a fact either way. Heeseung was your best friend, he has been for the last five years, your first official friend slash neighbour since moving to the city. He was just that, just Heeseung, nothing more.
“Men and women can’t be just friends,” Yunjin argued, supported by Chaewon who was nodding fervently next to you.
“You know you’re friends with men too, right?” you squinted at her doubtfully, her idea completely defeated the purpose of your own friendgroup.
“I know, we’ve already gone through it,” Yunjin nodded over to Chaewon, her nodding becoming more pronounced, a hushed ‘yeah’ escaped her breath, filled with partial guilt.
“Excuse me?”
“Alright, maybe Chaewon and I had some … past encounters with Jay and Jake, but none of them turned into anything. Oh, God forbid,” Yunjin brushed past your stunned silence, not batting an eye at your face frozen in shock, such information being exchanged before a dinner with said friends wasn’t good for your wellbeing. “It proves my point. Even if nobody says it outwardly, it’s a known fact,”
“There are platonic friendships,” you argued, knowing it was weak, and you were also losing. However, you were standing firm that you and Heeseung were nothing more than friends, close, good friends that understood each other well. That’s it.
“Explain ‘When Harry Met Sally’,” Chaewon was actually using one of your favourite rom-coms against you, you couldn’t believe it, this was total betrayal. How could a movie with Meg Ryan and Billy Crystal be a reflection of your life? That’s far-fetched. “They didn’t like each other at first, but they eventually became friends, then realised they loved each other—not platonically,”
“Come on, that’s a movie,”
“It’s an example for your case,” Yunjin poked your shoulder, tilting her head to one side, presenting her puppy eyes to you. Unfortunately for her, you weren’t letting yourself get convinced by their crazy theories and philosophies. Standing up from the couch, you put your foot down—quite literally so.
“Guys, Heeseung and I will never be more than just friends, that’s crazy. I’m sure the others don’t share the same ideas as you two,” your laugh gradually died down when you saw the looks on their faces, telling you that your two other friends did think you and Heeseung could cross the lines of friendship. “Nevermind. Still, it’s impossible. He’s never once given me signs that he likes me that way,”
“I’d like to disagree,” Yunjin raised her hand, Chaewon following suit.
“Me too,”
You chose to dismiss them, clapping your hands together, staring down at them with your lips pressed tightly together. “Agree to disagree. And I’ll move on. My point is, we’re friends, end of story. There’s no way it’ll happen. Ever,”
“This is going to end up biting you in your ass, Y/N,” Yunjin seemed a bit more serious this time, genuine concern laced in her tone, the crinkles in between her eyebrows showed her thoughts without verbally expressing them.
“Not if nothing happens and everything stays the same. I’ll come out unscathed,” you sounded determined, though your heart and mind were the complete opposite, but you ignored them for now, uncertain how long you could continue to do so. “I’ll prove it to you that we’re just friends,”
“How?” Chaewon shared the same doubts as you did, except you were much better at hiding them.
“You’ll see,”
Coincidences were frightening. At that moment, there came a series of knocks on your door that you recognised in a matter of seconds. Your neighbours, Heeseung and Jay, were ready to leave for the scheduled dinner. They seemed to know when and how to make their presence known as usual. It would be believable if someone told you they’ve been listening behind the door all along, but you figured that’d be your nightmare that night instead of it being reality.
“Are you guys ready?”
Exchanging frantic glances, the three of you burst out laughing at the so-called ‘divine timing’. You were quick to shush them in order to lower any suspicions from the other end. Giggles were hard to stifle completely, most of which stemmed from your two giddy friends. You picked up your clutch from the coffee table, ready to run to your room to change. The other two hopped off the couch to make finishing touches to their makeup.
“Be there in a few minutes!”
Trying to ignore your friends’ claims of you and your guy best friend potentially being a thing wasn’t easy, not when he was seated next to you throughout dinner.
God damn it.
“…and that is how I secured the job. I still can’t believe it,” Jake finished his lengthy story, explaining the entire process that got him his new position at NYU. A few glasses of wine in, every one of you were far from being completely sober. Well, that was excluding Jake and Heeseung, the default duo that avoided drinking and had the responsibility of looking over the group.
“So, what’s your lesson plan?” Chaewon chewed on her piece of french fries obnoxiously, showing actual curiosity about his job while Jay and Yunjin were engrossed in refilling each others’ cups with more wine. That left you and Heeseung to yourselves, both of you had already disassociated from the earlier conversation (sorry, Jake).
“Are you okay?” Heeseung looked over at you, noting your unusual silence since the start of dinner. Normally, you would be grateful for how observant he was, that he wouldn’t miss a single chance to check in on you if he noticed something was off. This time, however, he was the last person you wished to be conversing with.
“Peachy,” you raised your wine glass at him before drinking a sip out of it, eyes widening just a fraction behind the glass. Yunjin and Chaewon truly set you up for failure by dropping a bomb on you. Now, you’re stuck trying to be normal around Heeseung with a different perspective compared to hours ago. “Just thinking,”
“About?”
You. Lee Heeseung. Honesty wasn’t always the best policy, thus you blurted out the second thing you had in mind. “‘When Harry Met Sally’,”
Heeseung blinked for a few beats, realisation gradually setting in, a breathy chuckle left his lips. He shook his head in disbelief, not understanding your craze around that movie. What did he know about the superiority of friends to lovers trope anyway? “Don’t tell me you’re on your—what—tenth rewatch?”
“It’s my twelfth, actually,” you corrected sharply, holding a finger up. You took another bigger gulp of wine when Jay filled your cup, both him and Yunjin were on the way to getting drunk from finishing nearly the entire bottom themselves. “The best romance movie made of all time, period,”
“Over ‘Grease’? ‘The Princess Bride’? Oh, ‘Dirty Dancing’? Those are our favourites,” Heeseung gasped, sounding betrayed by your choice of romance movies. You didn’t miss the hidden detail where he stressed on the movies he listed were ‘our’ favourites. Not ‘mine’, but ‘our’, as in you and I. God, you wished you were less aware of every tiny aspect about what he said or did.
“You’re only saying that because I made you watch ‘When Harry Met Sally’ ten times out of my twelve rewatches, and you’re sick of it,”
“I am sick of it,”
“But if I invited you over for the thirteenth rewatch as a movie night, you’d come, wouldn’t you?” you leaned closer to him, wearing a cheeky smile to tease him even more. He gave you one of his classic eye rolls, trying to come off as annoyed only for the grin on his lips to sell him out.
“Of course I would, you know that,” he flicked your forehead softly, pulling a humorous laugh from you. You’ve always been easily amused by him. Heeseung kept his gaze on you, hiding his smile with his glass of water which he was drinking out of.
“Y/N!” Jay semi-shouted from across the table, getting many shushes from your friends, yet his tipsy state meant he was extra shameless, so he continued to wave at you. “Let me pour you another glass!”
You slid him your almost empty wine glass, watching him pour you an obscene amount of wine. What didn’t help was you meeting Yunjin’s eyes, and you could clearly read the message she was trying to convey with a single raise of her eyebrows, alongside the slight nod to the person next to you. You had a feeling she was keeping a close watch on you the whole night.
Taking your glass back, you stared at it with an expression that could only be described as dreadful delight. Sure, you were more than happy to indulge in expensive Italian wine, but the thought of the aftermath usually pained you more than the initial pleasure. After all, you would admit being a lightweight contrary to the constant denials that you were not one. Your drinking records and history would betray you immensely.
“If you can’t drink that much, I can help,” Heeseung, your knight in shining armour, butted in to lend you a helping hand. But it wasn’t his first day knowing you. You weren’t someone who would go down without a fight. He had to learn it the hard way in the past, so if he were to give a stance on this, he chose to step away from stopping you.
“I can handle it,”
“Are you sure?”
“I’m very sure, don’t worry.”
Turns out, you couldn’t handle it, and your assurance was for nothing. The restaurant probably hated you and your friends for stumbling out, slurring incoherently, only two out of the six were visibly sober, bearing the burden to carry all of the others away from the place and into two separate cabs. The usual plan was enforced. Jake would bring Chaewon home, while Heeseung had to deal with dumb, dumber, and dumbest.
Don’t even get Heeseung started on how he managed to get the three of you up the flight of stairs in the apartment building. It was a miracle all of you were just heavily tipsy, and not full on drunk, that would be a tale for another day. He made sure Jay got into their apartment before escorting you and Yunjin back to yours. Yunjin muttered a grateful ‘thanks’ to him then disappeared into her room, which meant it was you and Heeseung together again. Alone.
“I had a fun night,” you twirled around in his arms, breaking into a song out of nowhere, the alcohol in your system visibly getting to you. The lyrics of your favourite ABBA song was being jumbled up in your mouth, Heeseung doing his utmost best to correct you as he stifled his laughter. “We should have another dinner party,”
“We will. Once everyone is sober,” he had his hand on your back, guiding you towards the couch, placing a bunch of pillows behind you. His patience was commendable. You settled into your seat, appreciating the warmth coming from his side, his shoulder pressed against yours. The comfort of his presence resembled a warm hug on a rainy day, enveloping you in constant assurance. It was something that could never get old. You leaned your head on his shoulder, snuggling closer to him.
“Remember our first trip to the beach?” You reminisced about the time when you and the others packed up for the weekend to head to the beach, courtesy of Chaewon’s aunt allowing every one of you to stay at her beach house. That trip alone was a key factor to your long lasting friendship, witnessing the highs and lows of your friends while they also watched yours, and that was barely an exaggeration.
Heeseung nodded slowly, curious to where your babbling was going. “What about it?”
“I still think about us on the beach—I meant the both of us—when we walked on the shoreline, collecting seashells. I think that is one of my favourite memories ever,” your eyelids were getting heavy, every word was uttered with whatever power left in you. Heeseung took a peek at you, smiling at your serene state.
“It’s one of mine too. I remember all the sunsets and sunrises there. It was beautiful … unforgettable,” Heeseung could go on and on about that weekend spent there, it was the first trip you and your friends took as a group, one of the most chaotic trips as well. But it also happened to be the time where Heeseung realised he viewed you differently from the rest. “I still have the picture I took of you and the sunset,”
You were partly clear-headed at that moment, stunned by the memory he brought up out of the blue. He had never once forgotten about it, neither did you. Most importantly, it was how he said it which made your heart experience sensations you hadn’t felt in a long time. This was Heeseung, your Heeseung, a friend and a brother figure, there shouldn’t be anything more than that, should it? “And I have the seashells we collected together,”
Heeseung’s expressions softened, his lips twisted into a smile full of nostalgia, recalling the memory fondly as if it had just happened a few weekends ago. If he closed his eyes tightly for a minute, he may be transported back to then. The sound of the sea waves, the smell of the salty breeze, your laughter taking space in his mind. He was grateful his face wasn’t fully in view for you to see in case his eyes turned against him. He might’ve been silent, but his gaze spoke for him. Longing and missing the absence of the burden of carrying his heavy feelings.
“Heeseung,” you called out his name, breaking the thick silence, startling him awake from his trance-like state. He twisted his neck slowly to look at you, inspecting you closely in search of any troubles. Your stoic face seemed to not give anything away.
“Hm?”
“I think I need to puke,”
The calmness behind that statement managed to evoke sheer alarm in Heeseung. He was about to jolt out of his seat when he remembered you were leaning on him. As gentle as he could, he removed your head from his shoulder, pulling you up from the couch with him, holding onto you carefully.
“Let’s do that in the bathroom, shall we?”
“I don’t think I’m drinking again, Hee,”
“You say that every time you drink,”
The urge to release all your discomfort came rushing when you regurgitated the night’s contents into the toilet bowl. You were kneeling on your bathroom floor, bent over the toilet bowl, puking in intervals, looking absolutely pathetic, all while Heeseung held onto your hair. He never complained, treating it as another night stuck with a drunk you. Now that you were much more stable than before without nausea knocking on your door little by little, you were stuck on the thought of whether your puking episode was induced by the alcohol or Heeseung as a whole.
Holding onto that thought in mind, you collapsed onto the ground from fatigue, sitting slouched against your bathroom walls, feeling ten times lighter and a million times better. Heeseung knelt before you, holding onto either side of your head as it kept lolling back. Sleep was evidently getting close to you, the fluttering of your eyelids revealed your tiredness without a doubt. You forced your eyes open, instantly staring into his, a gleeful smile involuntarily appearing on your face. If Yunjin and Chaewon saw you then, you would be a goner, your attempt to prove them wrong would be redundant.
“Why are you so good to me?”
“I don’t know how not to be. It’s easy when it’s you,” Heeseung gently pressed your cheeks together, chuckling under his breath at your mildly irritated expression. He probably thought it was due to him playfully teasing you by squeezing your face, but in actuality, you were bothered by his words, how he said them without any hesitance as though it was second nature. None of it was as casual as he made it out to be.
Heeseung’s eyes flickered, gradually recognising what had actually left his lips as it slowly settled in, causing him to clear his throat, swallowing thickly. “Because that’s what friends do,”
The changes in your microexpressions were swift, face falling with a frown etching itself into your skin, all of which were barely noticeable if not scrutinized upon, but knowing Heeseung, you had a feeling he might’ve caught onto it at first glance. You couldn’t explain the disappointment burning into your bones once you registered what he said, the cut only went deeper knowing it came personally from him, not the voices screaming in the back of your mind. Shooting you possibly hurts less.
It was what you wanted, wasn’t it? To establish you and him were purely friends and nothing more. That was the whole point of your conviction to your own friends, it would be embarrassing to go back on it. But why were you sorely unhappy when he himself claimed that you and him were friends? Till the point where it was causing you uncontrollable sorrow that you had to push his hands away, using the walls as support to get yourself off the ground.
Severely caught off guard, Heeseung tried to help you in the process of standing up, though it wasn’t much when you got on your own two feet by yourself. Great, you felt the nauseating feeling in the back of your throat returning, only this time, you were certain it was caused by Heeseung. Speaking of Heeseung, you were met with his utterly perplexed yet worried look twisted in his tired face, wordlessly begging for answers that you couldn’t seem to provide.
“It’s getting late, and you’re tired. I can manage,” you opened the bathroom door, exiting through it while still facing Heeseung, hoping you wouldn’t get betrayed by your feet while walking backwards foolishly. “See? I can walk perfectly fine—”
Scratch that.
You spoke too soon. As always. Another step taken backwards, your foot landed in an odd direction, which instantly caused you to lose your balance. Despite his exhaustion after a long night, his senses were constantly on high alert, hand flying out to grab onto your forearm, stopping you from falling back. To make things worse, he yanked onto your arm, pulling you into him without considering your frail state of mind and body, explaining your current position of your hands propped against his shoulder.
“Still clumsy,” Heeseung attempted to break the silence with a lighthearted jab, which may have backfired a little when you continued to be unresponsive, silently staring at him with your mouth slightly ajar. The proximity wasn’t helping your prior mental war with yourself either. The concoction of intoxication and incoming hormone fluctuations were actively going against you as you battled with attraction and horror. You chose to respond to the horrifications created in your mind instead of the other.
“Not a single scratch,” you removed yourself from his hold for another time that night, chuckling nervously, your breath itself was also shaky. Definitely not helping your case. “Thanks again,”
“It’s alright,” no sarcastic comments, no targeted digs at you, no usual Heeseung-like behaviour, it was purely him. Earnest and serious, another side of him that he wasn’t afraid to reveal to you.
“That’s what friends do, right? Saving each others’ asses,” you weren’t in your right mind, it was evident when you said that and proceeded to punch Heeseung lightly on his shoulder to cover up your embarrassment. Heeseung wasn’t entirely thrilled after hearing that. It could be your eyes deceiving you, but you swore there was a flash of solemnness taking over his face at one point. He had the same look as the time he got heartbroken by his cat going missing.
“Right, friends,” he repeated that word with enough sourness to make others think he had issues socialising growing up, giving people the impression that he had an agenda against friends. The air in your apartment was turning stuffy by the minute, it was practically calling for you to force windows open because you were far from breathing properly. He released a sigh under his breath, taking a step to the side, his gaze stuck to his shoes. “I think I should get going now. Wash up and sleep. There’s medicine in your bedside table if you forget,”
“See you in the morning, Hee.” you couldn’t bear to follow him to the door, it was as though your body failed to comply with your mind completely. It was your pair of eyes that went after him, closely watching his every move to the door. He spared you one last look, not even a single smile that he would usually have whenever he’s at the door or at the mention of his nickname. Just like that, he was gone, and you were there staring blankly at your door, heart dropping to your abdomen for reasons you couldn’t come to terms with.
What have you done?
“Does this match the curtains?”
You were standing in the middle of the furniture and home decor section of Bloomingdale’s with Heeseung next to you. It was conveniently a Saturday evening right before a dinner plan at your apartment with your friends, but unlike any other Saturdays, it was your birthday. As a way to celebrate, you decided to treat yourself to new additions to your apartment’s decor, not without Heeseung’s presence though. Truthfully, it was an unconventionally weird way to celebrate yourself, but Heeseung was used to it, rather desensitized if he could argue.
“Realistically, you wouldn’t even display this on the coffee table, so let’s put this down,” Heeseung grabbed the quirky-looking monkey figure from your hand to place it back at its original position. “The duck you got last year is still rotting in your kitchen drawer,”
“Didn’t need to spoil my party,” you pouted, feigning hurt in hopes for Heeseung to take his words back, but he knew you a little too well, seeing through your patterns to ignore them. Instead, he threw an arm around your shoulder, pulling you closer to his side. The sudden physical proximity had turned you frozen under his touch for a split second, eventually easing into it like how you usually would be.
Acting wasn’t your forte. You’ve known that since your first and last musical appearance as tree number four in your middle school play. But lately, you found yourself being an Oscar winning actress pretending like the usual jokes or physical touches weren’t bugging you, hiding how that entire night had been bothering you since he left your apartment. Don’t get you started on your friends. You should win a Golden Globe alongside the Oscar for convincing them nothing special happened, that he sent you home and left right after. Yeah, you wished it transpired in that precise order.
That night was an emotional scar if you would put it one way or another. It was left painfully unanswered like a telephone call, neither you nor him addressed what went down, deciding to brush past whatever it was when you called each other ‘friends’ and that stifling tension between the both of you. Everything you could recall from that particular night became a frightful memory, marking a significant change in the course of your friendship. Although none of you had said anything about it, you were sure he could feel it just as you did. But of course, you chose to stay silent in fear it would affect your friendship with him, and he most likely shared the same sentiment, doing anything just to stay safe.
Basically, it summed up your whole friendship.
“So, how does it feel turning another year older?”
“Feels like shit,” you lamented, the idea of being closer to a mid-life crisis wasn’t exactly tasteful. Growing up, birthdays weren’t your favourite time of the year (truth be told, it was Christmas). Hey, what’s really so fascinating about getting older? Cakes, candles, balloons, those looked nicer in movies or parties for your friends rather than at your own party, it didn’t feel the same when it was for you.
“Hey, we got you your favourite cherry cake from that bakery downtown, so don’t get all pessimistic about your big day,” Oh, traditions, you loved them. Since your first year in New York, you’ve always gotten the same cake for your birthday, a cherry cake glazed with chocolate, heaven introduced in your mouth. With that cherry cake and your friends, those were all you needed for your birthday. Maybe also a call from your family.
“You know I get sappy whenever it’s my birthday, I can’t help it,” you innocently shrugged, but he didn’t buy it for a second time, he was aware of your minor disdain for your own birthdays, and he has made it known that he wanted to change that. “You can help if you get me this—” you grabbed a stuffed monkey toy from the display, parading it in front of Heeseung’s face obnoxiously, your shit-eating grin wasn’t supporting your argument. “It’s speaking to me,”
“How many more monkeys do you need in your apartment?”
“I don’t think I have enough,” to be fair, you had one sad and lonely monkey related item currently residing in your kitchen, which was the monkey clock, Marvin, a treasured item you named after Marvin the Martian from the Looney Tunes. Yunjin had maternal instincts towards the wee monkey; she has made it known since it appeared in the apartment. You reckoned it needed a friend in the house. “Marvin needs a companion,”
“Marvin’s mothers should pay more attention to him instead,”
“Or Marvin’s uncle can get him a sibling? Friend, perhaps?” you were pulling out the signature sweet tone you used for convincing someone, holding back a bark of laughter at how he had enough of your measly act. “Please?” you held the monkey plushie at eye-level, covering your face with it while pleading with Heeseung. In his point of view, you were a demon with horns poking out of your head who knew what trouble you were up to exactly, utilizing your strengths of winning him over.
Like a weak bastard that he very much was, he bought you the monkey plushie. He blamed himself for caving into your pleas, knowing damn well he was going to end up complaining to your friends only for them to hit him back with ‘you couldn’t say no to her’ yet again, which always successfully shut him up.
He was a weak-willed man, what can you say? But at the same time, this man also happened to be sly, and succeeded at moving under the radar. As you yapped away to Heeseung about the affordability of groceries, what you thought was a normal walk back to your apartment was actually a hidden plan of Heeseung preparing to bring you to your surprise party at the apartment. That’s right, Lee Heeseung planned a party for you with the help of your friends. And he was not screwing it up.
Coordination was hard to achieve when it came to dealing with your friends, that was another thing Heeseung had to learn the hard way. All that turned to nothing when he saw the smile on your face once the door to your apartment ripped open, revealing your friends, colleagues and some members of your family. Those gleaming eyes of yours stared right at him, emotions swirling within them, almost in denial that everyone you loved was there for you. It didn’t take you more than a second to know he was the one behind this, you just knew, which only choked you up further when you wrapped your arms around him, heart swelling in your chest.
“Thank you.” You whispered into his ears, arms tightening around him a little more. He said nothing, rubbing his palm on your back, a soft kiss lingered similar to a ghost on the top of your head. Soon, you pulled away, his hands on your waist stayed for a beat longer, almost in a desperate attempt to hold onto you a bit more. Your touch then left as quick as it came, imprinting into his memory like an addiction that was hard to overcome. He watched as you left his side to greet the guests and thank your other friends, a slight smile resting on his lips, feeling as though you were so close yet so far.
You surrounded yourselves with your friends, doing anything but acknowledging Heeseung’s gaze from across the room, convincing yourself that it meant nothing more than what it seemed. There were a few instances where you met his eyes, exchanging brief smiles, pretending that either one of you weren’t already looking at the other in the first place. At the end of the day, you and him were friends, just friends, nothing more, or that was what you said to yourself as a reminder, especially when your heart picked up a few paces quicker around him.
‘Grateful’ wasn’t close to describing how you felt that night. Good food, great companies, amazing cake, a rich collection of gifts, maybe turning another year older wasn’t as frightening as you thought it was. By the end of the evening, with all the guests gone, your friends leaving one by one, Yunjin calling an early night, you took it upon yourself to clean the apartment up, under the condition where Heeseung would lend you a helping hand.
“I still can’t believe you were the mastermind behind all this,” you expressed your surprise that never went away since the start of the party, throwing the cloth down as you finished wiping the countertop, the last part of your strategic cleaning plan. Joining Heeseung on the couch, resting your feet on top of the coffee table, you let out a breath of relief when you relaxed your body into the soft material.
“You have that little faith in me?” he turned to give you a small frown, extracting a breathy chuckle from you.
“Heeseung, you can’t even plan a trip to the dentist,”
“Ouch?”
You grinned, keeping your eyes on him a minute more before you spoke again, letting the peaceful silence calm the crashing waves in the midst of this storm. His gaze never wandered astray, focusing on you and solely you, the intensity of it nearly got you shifting uneasily in your seat. “Thanks for tonight, Hee, I mean it. You made it less scary to turn older,”
“I’m glad then,” there was a visible sign of relief flushing across his entire body, the time he spent planning hadn’t gone to waste. Everything had indeed worked out according to his favour, and getting to see you smile so widely during the cutting of your cake was the best part of it.
“I still haven’t got my present from you,”
“I know. I was hoping you’d ask me to stay,”
“You know I’ll always ask you to stay,”
One thing you didn’t manage to fathom then was the weight of your words and the consequences they carried. It might’ve been said carelessly and casually, but you meant it—deeply. A fraction of Heeseung’s smile faltered, an equal amount of realisation dawning on him, which was eventually deflected by resorting to a swift grab of your present from under the coffee table. A small box was presented to you in the palm of his hands, a red ribbon tied around it with a handwritten birthday card. His scribbly handwriting was distinct, you recognised it at once.
“Open it,” he egged you on, anticipating your reaction, an excited glint to his irises that sparked your curiosity. You shushed him for urging you, then settled into your own pace by unknotting the ribbon and opening the box slowly, your own expectations getting to you. Luckily, you were far from disappointed. On the contrary, you were taken aback from his choice of gift.
The content of the box revealed itself to be a gleaming silver chain with a small heart pendant. To others, it might seem like a typical birthday present, but you knew better. It wasn’t any ordinary necklace, you recognised it in a heartbeat, it was the one on display that you stopped to stare when you waited for Heeseung. You thought he hadn’t noticed that day, the two of you embarked on your walk as though you weren’t staring at the necklace through the shop window for at least five minutes.
“Really?” you gasped, eyes flitting between him and the necklace in your hands, wondering whether it was truly in your possession. You didn’t know which surprised you more, getting a piece of jewellery that you dreamt of or Heeseung paying attention to every minor detail when it came to you. You set the box down, pulling him into a hug without thinking twice. “You knew,”
“I saw you that day. You were looming around the window, staring at that particular necklace. I had a feeling you wouldn’t get it after you pretended not to care when I showed up,” you chuckled mainly out of embarrassment at how Heeseung read you to filth. That’s what you get for having a best friend. “I went back the next day and bought it. Thought it was out of a whim, I didn’t know how or when to give it to you, so I saved it for your birthday,”
He bought it with you in mind the entire time. One thing’s certain, you were touched, and very much emotional. He had successfully gotten you in your feels, but also simultaneously confused. Was this something friends do, you thought to yourself. You pulled away from him, arms still wrapped around his neck, the intimacy in this wasn’t expressed, but it was certainly felt and understood between you and him. “Thank you,”
“You’re welcome. I hope you like it,”
“I love it.” It wasn’t an extravagant piece, it was just right, something that screamed ‘you’. You were scared to pick it up and take it out of the box, admiring it just as you did at that shop window. Like always, Heeseung noticed every little shift in your demeanor, sensing your hesitance at once. He took the box from your hold, removing the delicate necklace from its position. One lift of his eyebrows conveyed an adequate message for you to turn around, sweeping your hair to the other shoulder, unintentionally holding your breath while you waited.
The cold chain sent small chills all over your body when it touched your skin, the sensation soon overpowered by the feeling of his fingers grazing against the back of neck as he fiddled with the clasp. His lackluster attempt was painful to endure, you had to grit your teeth while pretending it wasn’t bothering you, that none of this meant anything beyond the lines of friendship. That his act of buying you the necklace and putting it on you weren’t something for you to read into.
Suddenly, the heart pendant hanging on the necklace weighed heavier around your neck. While you tossed around in bed, all you could think of was Heeseung and the emotions stirred internally whenever you were around him, most of which you pushed down and prayed against. What more was needed for you to listen to your heart when he quite literally gave you his heart first? That necklace was him blatantly handing you his fragile heart, and you were cursed with the responsibility of carrying it with you all the time.
“You’re kidding me,”
Nothing was more comforting than a warm cup of coffee at your favourite coffee house the morning after. Then again, your peace was routinely ruined by your two preying best friends. Yunjin and Chaewon never wasted a second more to square down on you and attack like a hawk, edging you to the side of the sofa as you held onto your mug out of fear.
“He got you the necklace you’ve been eyeing for months,” Yunjin was eye-levelled with the necklace sitting on your chest, in between gawking and shocked, mostly unable to comprehend the layers of this situation. “And you never told him. He just did it because he wanted to,”
“I’m sick of the two of you circling each other!” Chaewon groaned, punching the pillows with pure frustration that wasn’t fueled by caffeine, gaining several customers’ attention. Her tiredness regarding this topic about you and Heeseung was equally shared by Yunjin, both girls stared at you with an unmistakable question splattered over their faces: ‘what are you going to do now?’
“We’re not. It’s nothing,” you muttered into your cup of coffee, avoiding every confrontation as though it were a plague chasing you. Each time you did so, you started to realise the walls were getting brittle and breaking down, that you could no longer say you and Heeseung were nothing with full confidence. Because frankly, you were beginning to doubt even yourself.
“If you’re really not into Heeseung, then prove it. Go on a double date,” Yunjin officially stood her ground, beyond being annoyed with her two best friends that were so obviously in love with each other till the point where it got suffocating, and everyone around them knew except for themselves. How did Cupid handle the stress of setting people up when she couldn’t bear seeing her two stupidly in love friends? Yunjin seriously considered if this would be worth it, but once her mind strayed to the thought of a wedding, she figured it might be.
“Where are you getting a double date for us anyway? Besides, it’s not going to work. We had double dates before, and I felt nothing seeing him with somebody else,”
“That was the past. We’re talking about now, Y/N. You can fool yourself by thinking you feel nothing for him, but we know better, your heart knows better,” Chaewon added, offering her two cents, earning Yunjin’s nod of approval. You scoffed, finding your friends a little too ridiculous for taking their methods up a notch.
“I already have your and Heeseung’s matches. They’re my friends from work. Jungwon and Wonyoung, remember? You met them at my party last summer,” Yunjin rubbed her hands, reminding you of those evil masterminds, the eager grin only convinced you of her secret plotting. Oh, this was definitely discussed with the rest of your friends without you nor Heeseung’s knowledge. How evil of them.
“I remember,”
“Great! I’ll set a dinner date this Saturday. Seven, at that Italian restaurant we always go to. How’s that?” Yunjin clapped, leg shaking out of sheer enthusiasm.
“Sounds good. I’ll show you—all of you—that I have no feelings for Lee Heeseung whatsoever. It’ll be another successful double date, I’m sure.”
Define ‘successful’.
If sitting opposite to Heeseung and his date who were overly engrossed with each other and being stuck with an awkward partner was deemed successful, then you’d consider yourself lucky.
Dinner started off eventful. A typical ice breaker was introduced to get to know one another, discovering everyone clicked pretty well, which tricked you into thinking it’d go well, but it seemed to plummet like a landslide. Jungwon was a nice guy, you’d admit it. Other than a handful of conversations exchanged, there was nothing much to your interactions with him, so you surrendered quickly, admitting to feeling absolutely no spark whatsoever. You figured he got the memo, likely sharing the same sentiment as you did as the two of you ate your respective pasta with a tinge of depression watching the other couple hit it off better in comparison.
“Y/N, how long have you known Heeseung?” Wonyoung was sweet, a princess even, and that wasn’t an exaggeration. You wouldn’t be surprised if Heeseung was actually enamoured with her at first sight. She was the epitome of perfection as a human. Smart and charming, she carried the night’s conversations with ease.
“A few years now, since I moved to New York,”
“So, you guys must be close, huh?”
You paused, hesitation stopping you when you briefly met his eyes, a first after a long time since the night began, realising you hadn’t talked to each other at all. You didn’t address it mentally, but you were sure it was a way of you avoiding him, isolating him unintentionally. Turning your attention back to Wonyoung, you forced a smile. “Yeah, we are,”
“She’s my neighbour, that’s how we first met,” Heeseung chimed in, bringing back a fond memory of yours. The first day you moved to the big city would always be something you held close to your heart. “I offered her a slice of pizza but she thought I was some sleazebag,”
That got a collective laughter from each of you. You shook your head, a faint smile ghosted your lips, reminiscing the moment that felt almost as though it had just happened a day prior. Wonyoung, on the other hand, seemed to be thoroughly amused by Heeseung, giggling a little harder than most while placing a hand on his forearm. “Which place did you get the pizza from? Not the one downtown, right?”
“Oh, no, never. I go to Joe’s Pizza all the time,”
“I love Joe’s! The pepperoni slice is a classic,”
“You get it!”
Pizza has continuously become the bane of your existence. A dough with cheese and some stupid toppings was enough to spark a heated conversation between Heeseung and Wonyoung, entrapping them in their own bubble for another time that night. What an eye sore. Jungwon turned to you, an unmistakable mix of pity and boredom in his face was recognised by you in an instant. Still, like the sweet guy he was, he tried to strike up a conversation.
“What’s your favourite movie?”
Thank God for a question you could have a passionate debate over. You beamed visibly, spine straightened with a thrilled grin, the only and obvious answer sitting on the tip of your tongue. “‘When Harry Met Sally’,”
Jungwon snapped his fingers eagerly, nodding in mutual agreement. At least there was one person who could agree on your choice of movie. “Good choice, Meg Ryan was fantastic in it. One of the best rom-coms of all time,”
You placed a hand on your chest, a little dramatically if you may add. “I appreciate you saying that. I agree,”
“I don’t mean to eavesdrop, but can I add something to this discussion?” Wonyoung interrupted, brushing some hair behind her ear. You held your tongue, fixing a practiced smile as a green light for her to continue. “I don’t understand the craze around that movie, I think there are better rom-coms out there,”
“Finally! Someone understands,” Heeseung laughed, throwing his hands up with a degree of satisfaction knowing there was another person out there who shared his dislike over your favourite movie. This only annoyed you further. Seeing him and Wonyoung getting along better than anticipated had gotten to your nerves initially, but hearing the two of them slander your favourite movie was close to crossing the line. To rub salt into your wound, Heeseung was completely aware about how the movie was your go-to every time. After all, he was there for most of your rewatches, seeing you laugh and cry to your favourite rom-com.
“It has beautiful shots, wonderful acting, amazing actors, an emotional plot, what more can you get?” Jungwon was standing his ground, which you learnt to admire. Now you know who to call for your next rewatch instead of Heeseung.
“I just don’t think best friends can fall in love after twelve years. That’s too long! It’s basically platonic at that point,” Wonyoung argued.
“Best friends can and do fall in love—” you started, finding the words tumbling out of you from sheer agitation, trying to present your point rather impulsively without thinking straight. Your eyes averted to Heeseung, just to discover him already staring at you in the first place, causing your throat to tighten up all of a sudden. “Regardless of time, it just … happens,” you faltered, realisation slowly dawning on you.
Your friends were right. ‘When Harry Met Sally’ was a guide this entire time, leading you to finally recognise your own feelings before it was too late. But you were indeed too late. You’ve wasted your time circling around the truth, afraid of facing it, until you were left to deal with the consequences. Here you were, watching him falling for someone else.
The table fell silent. You looked away from Heeseung, clearing your throat, putting on your millionth uncomfortable smile for the night. Well, you were always known for acting without thinking, or in this case, speaking without thinking, as you didn’t consider the gravity of hinting yourself potentially being in love with your best friend. A normal Saturday dinner, eh?
“How about dessert?”
If you had to go through another double date in the future, you’d rather swear off love than experience something similar again. In the restaurant’s restroom, standing before the mirror, you hoped the contents in your stomach wouldn’t be flushed down the toilet bowl by the end of the night. The thought of you being in love with Heeseung was close to sending you into a shock, coming to terms with it in the middle of dinner reasonably made things worse for you. Was this a sign to move to the countryside?
“You’re really lucky,” Wonyoung’s voice startled you out of your daze, her figure appearing next to you, washing her hands meticulously. That was very on brand of her, you expected no less. “It’s rare to have a friendship like that—you and Heeseung. I can tell that you care about each other a lot,”
“We do,”
“I should be thankful for Yunjin since she set this whole thing up. He’s a really good guy,”
You nodded, swallowing a growing lump in your throat, a prickling sensation growing stronger in your eyes. At that point, you could only utter a string of words, feeling overwhelmed with helplessness. “Yeah, he is. That’s Heeseung.”
Should you be thankful that dinner’s ended and the night was over after a dreadful long wait? You parted ways with Heeseung and Wonyoung, following Jungwon to his car as he insisted on dropping you home. The walk there was suffocating, a couple of small talks scattered here and there, neither one of you had the heart to expand anymore knowing it was leading to nowhere. All you could think of then was what the other couple would be up to. Was he bringing her to his favourite spot? Was he just dropping her off and leaving immediately? Endless possibilities followed by more overthinking.
“You’re in love with him, aren’t you?” Jungwon broke the silence with a question that pierced through you like the sharpest knife. What a conversation starter. You had a feeling he was more than what you assumed him to be. You came to a stop in the middle of the sidewalk, looking at him with an expression that gave off the impression of you being scandalized.
“Is it that obvious?”
“Yes,” there was barely any sugarcoating, he was straight to the point. The truth was deemed to be both beneficial and harmful to you in your weak and fragile state. “I have eyes, Y/N. I can see the way you look at him, and how you look at him when you think nobody’s watching,”
You were caught absolutely red handed, a big flashy spotlight pointed on you, telling the world that you’re fully guilty of being in love with your best friend. If a date that you’ve known for a few hours could see right through you, you couldn’t imagine what your friends had to deal with. Now you felt apologetic to them. “I guess I am,” you had nowhere to hide, what could you lose by being transparent with your date? “But I think I lost him,”
“If there’s one thing ‘When Harry Met Sally’ proved, it’s that you’re never too late,” Jungwon patted your arm in weak reassurance. “Or you can wait another ten years,”
You swatted at his hand, snorting lightheartedly. Rolling your eyes, you started walking again, letting him catch up to you.
“Oh, shut it. Drive me home.”
Was it bad to admit that you’ve been praying for the downfall of Heeseung’s relationship with Wonyoung? Apparently some DIY spell you got from Chaewon’s witch friend failed horrendously when the both of them showed up to dinner hosted by Yunjin at your own apartment. Maybe it was the one ingredient you swapped out that caused this.
This was the first time Heeseung brought her over. None of you had expected this. After your horrendous double date experience, Heeseung made it known that he was seeing her further, but no labels were established for now. You’ve been keeping your distance from him, convincing yourself you shouldn’t be close to a guy friend that had a potential girlfriend out of respect. However, deep down, you knew the truth that it was only because you wanted to avoid getting hurt less.
“What do you think about Wonyoung?” you whispered to Yunjin as you helped her prepare the dishes in the kitchen. Jake, Jay and Chaewon were loitering in the living room with the couple, overly invested in Wonyoung’s stories. It was the first time you had some privacy since the two of them arrived. She was introduced to the others, sparking a conversation soon after, successfully charming them as a result. It was no question she had won them over in a snap of a finger.
“I think she’s great. Really funny and smart,” Yunjin was focused on assembling the lasagna to commit to a sudden discussion about her work friend, her hands were full with bolognese sauce and bechamel, she didn’t have more space for your feelings. “There’s a reason why I set her up with Heeseung, I thought they’d be a match, and I was right. Sorry about Jungwon though, he’s not usually that shy,”
“I figured,” you mumbled, recalling the journey back home consisted of him explaining to you how he didn’t want a relationship since he had freshly broken up with his girlfriend. What was the luck between you and men that weren’t over their exes? At least he bought you some ice cream on the way home, and also accepted your invite to a ‘When Harry Met Sally’ movie night. A new friend gained wasn’t a complete loss. “But seriously, what do you think of them together?”
“I think … it’s alright? Gosh, I don’t know, Y/N. It’s too early to know, I can’t tell if they will or will not work out,” Yunjin gave a truthful answer to your question, but it wasn’t one that you wanted. She narrowed her eyes at you with a tinge of suspicion. “Why?”
“It’s nothing,”
“Don’t start, Y/N,” Yunjin sighed, walking over to the sink to wash the mess on her hands, in preparation to deal with your mess. She popped the lasagna into the oven, a hand propped on her hip, staring at you with an unhappy frown. “You told me nothing happened that night. You said you didn’t want to talk about it. So, why now?”
“Because I realised I am in love with him,”
“Oh,” Yunjin exhaled, blinking robotically at you, losing her grip on her hip. Stunned might be an understatement, a total opposite of a reaction you’d expected from her. Horrified would probably be a better description of how she looked gawking at you, nothing seemed to come from her mouth. “When? When … did you realise?”
“That night at the restaurant. I suppose you’re right all along,” your revelation didn’t help Yunjin’s case either, her jaw significantly dropping more. She hand flew to her temples, rubbing them with creases deepening between her eyebrows. “I thought I was fine, but when I saw him with her, I … felt it in my heart for the first time. Heartbreak. Your plan worked,”
“I didn’t mean to—”
“I know, Jen, I’m not putting the blame on anybody. It’s my fault. Just mine,” you rested your back against the wall, your hand hidden behind your back as it twisted into a fist. “Don’t worry, I’m not going to do anything. If Heeseung’s happy now, it’s fine. You know how unlucky he is with dates,”
The initial frustration worn off entirely, soon replaced with sadness in Yunjin’s eyes, her face slackened, shoulders sagging. She slowly approached you, arms extending towards you. “Y/N—”
You caught onto them, giving her your best smile, thinking it could assure her, but you had a feeling it turned out slanted and half-hearted. On your best days, you could be an award winning actress for pretending you weren’t hurt. This wasn’t one of those days, unfortunately. “Let’s start dinner.”
Lasagna couldn’t cheer you up. Neither could Yunjin’s signature pasta pull a decent smile from you. You blended into the background throughout dinner, offering nothing but several chuckles and nods, keeping your eyes away from your source of demise. There were a few occasions where you felt his eyes lingering on you, it didn’t help that they lasted for more than an appropriate amount of time, pleading for you to respond to him in any way possible. Resisting him was hard.
Safe to say, you survived dinner and the dessert after. You owed it to the many rounds of red wine from the bottle Jake brought. Heeseung left the apartment with Wonyoung to walk her down to her cab, which left the apartment to you and your friends to tidy while also discussing whatever’s gathered in everyone’s minds for the entirety of the night. It was a common debriefing ritual you and your friends had once a new partner was introduced.
“Wonyoung’s amazing,” Jay shared, starting the discussion as he picked up the plates to hand them to Yunjin.
“Are you saying that because you actually think so or it’s because she’s pretty?” Chaewon pointed the dishwand accusingly at Jay, soap flowing down the handle.
“Do you really think I’m that shallow—nevermind, don’t answer that,” he stopped her at the moment she opened her mouth to retort, realising he was never a match for her and her quippishness. “Still, I think she’s wonderful. She can mimic a bird’s cry. How fun is that?”
The others let out a chorus of agreement. Yunjin, in particular, glanced at you warily, visibly distressed and worried about both your mental and physical states. You said nothing, continuing with your task of storing the dishes, which you held back from smashing. Note to self, you needed a better outlet for getting rid of pent up emotions.
“Y/N, are you okay? You’ve been very distant since the start of dinner,” Jake took the plate from your hand to store it on your behalf. He closed the cupboard door, pulled your hand to lead you away and sat you on the couch. You weren’t surprised Jake had caught onto you from the get-go. He was always smart, even emotionally. The rest of your friends soon swarmed the area, waiting for you to pour out your anguish.
“I’m not feeling well, that’s all,” you were running away yet again. Scared, terrified to go anywhere near being vulnerable in front of your closest friends, stripped bare to admit you were in love with one of them while hoping it wouldn’t change anything.
“Y/N,” Yunjin’s tone was hard, stern almost, with a tinge of disappointment as though she couldn’t believe you were trying to escape from your own feelings, something everyone there was familiar with. Your name was spewed out in a way where she was begging you to face the very thing you avoided till you were forced to face. To your dismay, this puts you on the spot with many eyes staring at you in confusion.
“Fine,” that was a response directed to Yunjin, you had your eyes locked with hers before scanning the circle created around you. Each of them were waiting for your next word. It was either this or letting the truth eat you alive. “I’m in love with Heeseung,”
What was expected to be an explosive reaction turned out to be … nothing? Jay, Jake and Chaewon all looked at one another, exchanging glances with Yunjin as well, then every one of their heads spun to focus on you. It felt like there were stage lights shining on you, your friends being the audience, and you, maybe a clown. The seconds stretched on for what seemed like forever as silence ensued.
“We know,” Jay broke the stiff atmosphere. You—mildly confused, whereas understanding and relief washed over your friends. They started laughing, rejoicing and high-fiving each other. If you didn’t know better, you would’ve assumed they won a price instead.
“Should I be shocked that you guys were in on this the whole time?”
“Yunjin and I already told you, didn’t we? We’ve all been waiting for one of you to break,” Chaewon clapped gleefully, her voice going another pitch higher from pure excitement.
“And it had to be me,” you mumbled, the thought of your feelings potentially being one sided was soul crushing. After your friends convinced you that it was mutual, your expectations were sky high, and you were not ready for them to be crushed.
“Heeseung will come around,” Jake threw out a futile assurance. You winced at that, giving him a display of your pained frown.
“He’s seeing someone now—Wonyoung, who you all love. I can’t ruin that, you guys know that,”
“We do,” Yunjin moved from her position to sit next to you, laying her head on your shoulder. You held onto her arm, squeezing it for a silent ‘thank you’ for the times she stuck by you. “No matter what happens, we’ll be here for you,”
There came another chorus of shared support from your friends who huddled around you. Their energy had given you a shred of hope, bringing a smile to your face for the first time in a while that night, a little more positive that nothing would completely change in the dynamics of your friend group. That was once proven as per Yunjin and Chaewon with their confessions of messing around with the other two men in the group.
“Wait,” Jake stood up, interrupting the current emotional mood. The room fell into another round of silence. “I hate to ruin our little moment, but I think Heeseung’s coming,”
The mention of his name caused every one of them to turn to you, panic arising almost in an instant. You could only stare back, downfounded and powerless. It’s not like they could expect you to profess your love to Heeseung just because you disclosed it to them. “What do I do?”
“Talk to him,” Yunjin suggested the obvious solution, not that it helped or made it any better.
“But I’ve been avoiding him!” you forgot about that part, guilt began to crawl into your system at the memories of you evidently dodging him. Everything that went down with the date gave you the heebie-jeebies, how you shunned him, and dropped a lowkey hint of being in love with your best friend, a.k.a., him! It would be impossible for him to not realise your absence. He’s good at catching onto tiny details.
“That’s our cue to leave you and him alone. Just talk! You always talked to him. It’s Heeseung, just Heeseung,” that’s the problem. It’s Heeseung, your best friend. It’s not an everyday activity for someone to come to the conclusion of liking their best friend romantically and profess their love for them.
Chaewon ushered the others to get to their feet, pushing them towards Yunjin’s room as a site of hideout now that it was too late for them to leave. You couldn’t tell if you were hearing the sound of Heeseung’s footsteps approaching or if you were mistaking it for your own heartbeat thundering in your ears. The noises of keys jangling and the door unlocking that followed after were unmistakable.
“Shit, he’s here,” that was what you last heard from Chaewon before she shoved Jay and his nosy-self into the room, slamming the door shut just in time for Heeseung to enter the threshold. He stopped at the sight of you in the middle of an empty apartment, looking at you with a sense of disbelief that it was truly you who was standing in front of him.
“Hi,” you said quietly, arms sticking close to your sides, afraid of moving or taking a step forward. Heeseung placed his keys on the counter, but stayed in his original position by the door.
“Hey,” he began, still not closing the space between you and him. When did it become this awkward to be around him? You felt like an alien who newly landed on Earth, interacting with the first human you came across, the situation was that extreme. It was easy for you to be around Heeseung, but you couldn’t say the same this time. “Where are the others?”
“They went over to yours. Jay needed help on something, I don’t know what it is,” you should be awarded for not crumbling under pressure. The lie flew out of your mouth in a natural manner. Heeseung didn’t suspect it, going along with your white lie.
“How was dinner?”
“It was okay,”
“You were quiet the entire time,”
“I’m not feeling well,”
“Sick?”
“Not in the mood,”
Heeseung slipped his hands into the pockets of his pants, nodding his head silently, lips pressed tightly together. He wasn’t letting any of his reactions show, purposely holding them back. You couldn’t figure out where this was heading, neither did he. “What do you think of Wonyoung?”
There it was. The golden question. You’ve been waiting for it, thinking if you got to steer clear of Heeseung, you’d never have to hear it. Predictions weren’t correct all the time. You knew he would eventually pop the question to you when you’re the only one in the group who has yet to express approval of Wonyoung. It just had to be at this moment.
“She’s alright,”
His nostrils flared, eyebrows twitching out of habit. His patience was wearing thin, the initial annoyance you sensed since he entered the room intensified. “That’s it? That’s all you’ve got to say after weeks of avoiding me? Two word answers?”
“What do you want me to say?”
“The truth!” Heeseung raised his voice, footsteps heavy on the ground as he crossed the room towards you, stopping behind the couch, standing opposite you with it as a barrier in the middle. What his eyes reflected contradicted his anger. Sadness and desperation made up most of them. They searched for yours, seeking for answers and reasons as to why you were acting out of character.
“I don’t think she’s good for you,”
“Why?”
“Just … just because,”
“That’s not an answer, Y/N,”
What other answer could you give that wouldn’t sound like you were the villain in his story trying to break him and his love interest up? Every possible narrative couldn’t and wouldn’t work, not for you anyway.
“I know you,”
“And what do you know about what’s good for me?” Heeseung demanded, the hurt in his voice was evident, punctuating your heart like a stake, beating you down to depths lower than where you already were. “You don’t get to say that,”
“That’s not fair,”
“She’s a good person, Y/N. I think I deserve that at least,”
You swallowed, not expecting the truth to be thrown directly into your face by the person you were scared to hear it from. It was real, your nightmare of losing him due to your mistakes was coming to life right before you, reminding you that you were far too late. “You’re right. You deserve every bit of it, Heeseung,” his name tasted foreign on your tongue, no more nicknames or the hidden love that came with it, just stale integrity. “I wish you nothing but happiness,”
You didn’t try to hide the shakiness in your voice, nor the tears building up that you were doing your best to blink away. The tightness in your throat took away your speech, losing the ability to speak beyond that. You were being selfish, and you were getting punished for that along with your foolishness for your ignorance to your feelings.
“Thank you.” he forced through his teeth with enough finality to know this was the last thing he’d say to you that night. You couldn’t bring yourself to reply, mouth opening for a moment just for nothing to follow through, using most of your willpower to hold your tears back instead. He shook his head, a visible sign of disappointment at you losing the strength to fight for whatever this situation of being more friends but less than lovers was between you and him.
Heeseung took a full look at you for a little longer, his shielded gaze never left your teary one, as though he himself was afraid of letting you go. That was when he knew he had to leave or else he would end up staying like how he always did. He turned his back on you, heading for the door and picking up his copy of the key along the way. There was a few seconds where he stalled at the door, hand on the doorknob, breathing heavily.
Hope wasn’t a powerful tool for you to keep him longer. He was leaving, and there was nothing you could do to stop him, or reverse the pain you’ve caused. Heeseung turned the doorknob and left with the door slamming behind him, leaving you stranded alone to pick up the pieces of your heart. Punching you or hurling insults might’ve hurt less compared to this.
You didn’t register your emotions until the floodgates came pouring down your cheeks, knees becoming weaker as you found yourself losing balance. The entire exchange had wrecked you out of consciousness, unaware of your friends slowly making their way out of Yunjin’s room, listening in on the mess that went down moments ago. The embarrassment doubled, but you were too busy crying to care. You melted into their arms as they surrounded you to console you, and it reminded you of the exact time you cried into their embrace when your first boyfriend in New York broke up with you. Never in a million years you would predict doing the same for one of your best friends.
Almost was never enough. You were a step too late, and a step over the line.
90 days.
That was how long since you’ve last spoken to Heeseung. Back in the day, three hours was the longest gap you went without speaking to him, not three months. Besides the occasional greetings in the hallway or bumping into each other at the coffee shop, neither of you sparked a full conversation. As a result of your fight, it had tremendously affected your friends who became collateral damage in the midst of it. The best way to simplify the dynamic of your friend group at the current moment was them taking turns to hang out with either of you. Pathetic, wasn’t it?
In some sick twisted way to get you out of your slump, Yunjin introduced you to her other, much senior colleague, Jeon Jungkook. If only you weren’t simultaneously so infatuated and heartbroken over your friend, you would’ve had your heart set on him. Unfortunately, that’s not how feelings worked. You were honest about it to Jungkook since your first meeting with him, and being the sweetheart he was, he understood. That didn’t stop you from being friends with him. He was probably the second closest friend you’ve hung out with besides your own friends.
October 31st rolled around, a monumental day for you and your friends who loved the arts of costumes and throwing parties. Yunjin and Chaewon chose to host this year’s Halloween party at your apartment. A special addition to the party was a costume contest, where the winner gets a hundred dollar prize reward. Perhaps Jungkook appeared in your life at the perfect timing.
“Do I have to wear a blond wig for this?” Jungkook held up the wig you got for him reluctantly after he agreed to be the Fred to your Daphne from Scooby Doo.
“It’s too late to go back on your word now,” you tossed him your ginger wig. He wasn’t in on this alone anyway. You left him sulking on the couch to join Yunjin and Chaewon, both of whom were busy preparing in the kitchen.
“Fred and Daphne?” Yunjin laughed at your choice of characters, earning a firm slap on her shoulder from you. You didn’t wrack your brain day and night for nothing, it was a good and safe option to go for in your defense.
“It’s cute. I aim to be the best dressed tonight,”
“Do I have your permission to flirt with your date?” Chaewon slid up next to you, finally daring to ask the question she’s been holding back since forever. You had a feeling she was eyeing him from the moment you confirmed he was just a friend.
“By all means, have a go,”
“Hey, you know Heeseung will be at the party tonight, right? Just a heads up,” Yunjin wasn’t laughing anymore, her tone both serious and solemn. You couldn’t blame her nor your friends for being exhausted of you and Heeseung’s strained friendship, having to adapt to that and a new routine now that you were avoiding each other. “I’m quite sick of this, you know that? You guys are so childish! Instead of saying sorry, you chose to not talk for three months,”
She had a point. You hated that.
“It’s complicated,”
“It’s always been complicated between you and Heeseung. How about this? Make it less complicated and apologise to him first. I still remember you crying and feeling guilty about what went down that night,”
“You didn’t have to call me out directly, I got it,” you grumbled at the memory you cringed at every time Yunjin brought it up as a defence mechanism. Yes, you regretted your behaviour, half remorseful for the things you’ve said, but it wasn’t a common practice for you to apologise first. Whenever you and Heeseung had a fight, it was down to two things: Heeseung apologising first or the both of you sweeping past it. This time, however, both seemed undoable. To muster the courage for you to confront him and apologise, it took time. Maybe a bit too long. “I’ll see what I can do tonight.”
Trying to distract yourself from your anxiety by helping Yunjin and Chaewon serve refreshments dressed in a full Daphne costume was the least effective method to ease stress. With every guest walking past your door, your heart skipped a beat hoping the next one would be him. Your friends’ costumes at the very least got a smile and some laughter out of you. Jay and Jake were dressed as members from the rock band, KISS; Yunjin decided to go all out and paint herself blue as Smurfette, matching blonde wigs with Jungkook; Chaewon, with the assistance of you and Yunjin, stuffed herself into a latex catwoman suit which took almost half-an-hour to get into. It wasn’t a dull Halloween after all.
“Need help?” Jungkook took the platter of refreshments from you, giving you no room to argue. You smiled at him as a wordless ‘thank you’, coming at the right time to save you from any more small talks.
“My Fred in shining armour, or shining blond wig?” you giggled, reaching your hand forward to touch his wig, the coarseness of it proved the reason why it was only three dollars. He swatted at your hand, rolling his eyes at your endless teasing.
“I think I actually look good in it, thank you very much,” he dismissed your snark comment easily, you forgot he had a swollen ego in the first place. He pulled onto your arm, urging you to follow him as he served refreshments on your behalf. “You’re waiting for him, aren’t you?”
“What?”
“Don’t pretend. I see the sadness in your eyes, Y/N,” Jungkook had talents of looking through your bullshit on par with Yunjin. There was no point fighting what was true, you chose to silently nod. “Speak to him tonight, please, for your sake, for his and your friends’ sake. Even for me! You’ve been keeping that apology in you for months, it’s time for you to tell him,”
“Is it really a good time to do so?”
“There’s never a perfect time. It’s now or never. I know it’s been eating you up, Y/N. Do this for yourself,”
You considered Jungkook’s advice deeply. He wasn’t wrong, he never was, it came with his perfect traits. You were quite frankly done with running away, even if you were chasing pavements, an apology wouldn’t hurt to settle the troubles in your heart, it might even help you take another step from the position you were stuck in. You patted his shoulder in earnest appreciation. Jungkook could just cement his place to be your crime solving buddy, or in this context, a problem solving buddy.
“Care for a drink?” Chaewon swept in at the right moment with a couple glasses of homemade martinis. It was your cue to leave, not without one of her signature martini though. You took one last look at your two friends, knowing Chaewon would soon work her magic on an oblivious Jungkook, then you made your way to the balcony, in dire need of some air and time alone.
You listened to the sound of New York traffic, taking small sips from your martini, overlooking the skyline of the city. The part which stings the most was coming to the realisation that you and Heeseung would often occupy this exact spot any time a party was thrown at your apartment. Whenever the space got stuffy and too many guests were present, the two of you would run to the balcony, have a few cigarettes, drink, and talk. You wouldn’t notice the party had ended by the time you and him were done with your hide out. Now, there was another party that you’ve successfully escaped, except he wasn’t beside you like how it was supposed to be.
“Missing trick or treat?”
Your blood nearly ran cold at the voice coming from behind you. One hand holding tightly onto your glass, the other gripping onto the ledge of the balcony in case your legs failed you. You didn’t need to confirm the owner of the voice, having heard it for just about every day for years on end.
“I think I’m too old for that now,” you felt the familiar warmth belonging to the only person you’ve dreaded all night joining your side, a safe distance was still maintained between you and him.
“You’re never too old for anything,”
“Touche,” you looked over at Heeseung, stifling your laughter when you saw his costume. A classic black tuxedo paired with a bow tie around his neck, hair slicked back, a sleek metallic watch around his wrist, a ridiculously looking toy gun as a prop in his hand. You would be lying to yourself if you didn’t admit how handsome he was despite being in costume. “James Bond. You weren’t kidding when you said that’s your costume this year,”
“I was never kidding,”
“I’m guessing Sean Connery’s James Bond?”
“One and only,” he stood up straight to display the excellence of his costume, giving you a playful 180 look just so you could see the entirety of his suit, at last posing with the gun as a cherry on top. It was impossible not to laugh when he’s trying this hard to get into character. “You think Daphne can assist James Bond in solving crimes?”
“I think Daphne’s going to stick to solving mysteries, not track down criminals or assassins,”
“I saw Fred inside. Your date, I assume,”
“My friend,” you corrected consciously, noting the mild hostility when he mentioned Jungkook. You simply couldn’t fathom the idea of Heeseung being threatened by another man.
“You’ve been hanging with him a lot,”
“What is it to you?” you snapped, harsher than you intended to, immediately feeling guilty. You couldn’t shake off the sense that he’s trying to get back at you in some unexplainable way.
“Nothing,” you knew he was lying, seeing him clenching his jaw right after saying that had given him away. Time and time again, he underestimated how well you understood him and his little quirks.
“Where’s your date then, Bond? Where’s the famous Bond girl? ”
Heeseung stared off into the city, a quiet but audible sigh leaving his lips before he said anything. Clearly, there was trouble in paradise. You wanted to take your words back, worried it might’ve crossed another line, but he beat you to it with an answer. “She’s at her place,”
He didn’t expand beyond that simple reasoning, making it much more suspicious than it should be. You didn’t pry, and accepted it with a nod. You assumed she wasn’t a big fan of parties, or at least Halloween, not that you would judge. You let the silence sit longer than it’s supposed to, the traffic in the background filling the gaps in between. It was now or never, before the damage became irreversible.
“I’m sorry for that night. I was out of line. I do think she’s brilliant, and I want you to be happy,” you turned to look at him, but as always, he was already staring at you in the first place. The martini was no help in suppressing your emotions. If anything, it was amplifying them. You could feel tears welling up at the edge of your eyes. “I mean it. I hate that we’re not talking, and I hate the thought of losing you more,”
Heeseung wet his lips, hanging his head, chest rising and falling erratically. He glanced up after a pause, nodding slowly, a tight-lipped smile appearing. “Thank you,” he meant it this time, genuine, but also stiff and restricted. “You’re never going to lose me, Y/N,”
“Truce?”
“Truce,” he drank out of his glass of martini, returning his attention back to the view of the city, but you kept yours on him, not that he mind. “Here we are again, bailing on a party,”
“Some things never change, do they?” you smiled, yet it didn’t reach your eyes entirely, the sadness in your face bled into every part of your body, all of which went unnoticed by Heeseung. Although you were done setting the argument aside, the apology getting accepted didn’t smoothen the roughness to you and Heeseung’s relationship. Some lingering tension still remained unaddressed. You could feel it, you doubted if Heeseung didn’t. “Should we head in? They’re announcing the winners of the contest.”
It wasn’t the right time to talk about it. You didn’t know if there ever was one.
You and Jungkook ended up missing first prize by a large margin, getting just a box of chocolate as a consolation prize. On the bright side, Jay and Jake won the night’s best costume, earning a hundred dollars which you would undoubtedly convince them to spend on you. The night came to an end at around midnight. Even though all of your friends were exhausted, they stayed to clean as usual, cracking open another round of beers as a side reward.
You were too busy sending Jungkook off by the door to realise a pair of eyes staring pointedly at you from a distance. As Heeseung collected the bottles and cups from the living room area, his gaze followed your every movement around Jungkook, a cup nearly fell out of his hand at some point watching you hug him. He walked over to Chaewon, dropping the volume of his voice. “Are they really just friends?”
“If they weren’t ‘just friends’—” Chaewon made a motion with her hands, “would she have allowed me to flirt with him all night?” she blinked blankly at Heeseung, who had furrowed eyebrows that were twitching slightly. “God, you guys are so annoying, and frustratingly stupid. Why must I be subjected to this?” she threw her hands up in defeat, hypothetically waving a white flag in surrender. Sparing him no more chance to speak, she walked away just in time for you to return from your farewell to your beloved Fred.
“What’s up with her?” you mumbled as Chaewon stormed past you, grumbling somewhere along the lines of ‘misunderstandings’ and ‘get together already’. You took the bag filled with trash from Heeseung, handed it to Jay—still in his black and white face paint—for him to throw out. The apartment was mostly clean, lacking a bit of deep cleaning that you’d get to the next day. For now, you were content with your friends’ company and a cold bottle of beer.
“You know, I think I owe you an apology too,” it was only you and Heeseung at the kitchen table, you weren’t expecting another apologetic conversation to happen over some beer, but you didn’t complain. “I shouldn’t have stopped talking to you. I was angry and scared. I’m sorry,” he took a swig of his beer, his other hand was knocking on the wooden table. “And I’m sorry I wasn’t there for your mum’s birthday,”
One sacred secret you and Heeseung kept hidden from your other friends was this. It started with you inviting Heeseung to your hometown for a family event as your plus one. Looking back at it now, it was far more intimate compared to what you made it out to be. Not even every person would bring their partners to meet their family. Your family absolutely loved him, insisting on him to join them for every family occasion there was. Since then, he has been there for most birthdays.
In turn, it would only be fair if you got introduced to his family. Hence, he brought you to meet his family soon after he met yours, continuing on the tradition of joining each others’ family occasions. You were at his parents’ birthdays, and he was there for yours. It was your thing with Heeseung for years until he broke the streak in the months of you not speaking. You still remembered your mother asking for him, just for you to create a lame excuse of him being busy with work, having no courage to tell them the truth.
“You’re forgiven,” you clinked his beer bottle with yours, the sharp sound made the brief quietness which followed after less painful. “I guess we’re both equally at fault here,”
“I guess we are,” he fidgeted with his bottle, never letting his gaze falter from you for a second, as though he was making up for the moments he missed. “Your mum still wants me around, right?”
“Oh please, she was wondering where you were. You’re very missed,”
“I’m glad to hear,”
“And I’m not glad to have stroked your ego,”
You and him burst out laughing, clinking your bottles once more and taking a swift gulp out of it. Both of you sighed together in satisfaction from the taste of cold beer on your tongues, eliciting scattered giggles at that phenomenon. You never realised how much you’ve missed him. Forget about love and your feelings, you missed having him around as a friend. It hurts more deeply than you thought having someone from your everyday life disappear in an instant.
Before you could dwell on such melancholic thoughts, the rest of your friends came flooding around the table, forcing open the fridge to bring more bottles out. You met Yunjin’s eyes, a knowing look on her face told you she was highly aware of you and Heeseung’s ‘little moment’ alone. Of course, you wouldn’t doubt her, she was known to be a surveillance camera that scans through the entire premise. You gave her a nod, and that was a sufficient message for her to understand all was well.
“Who’s ready to drink?”
Yunjin’s definition of a ‘fun Saturday night’ was the complete opposite of what you had in mind.
You had a feeling you were an old woman in your past life for thinking a night in with some pizza, snacks, and board games would satisfy the criteria of a ‘fun Saturday’. However, your friends didn’t share the same idea. That was why you were all dressed up, sitting by the bar counter with no intentions to drink while Yunjin and Chaewon were busy downing shots after shots. Call you a buzz kill, but you weren’t stumbling out drunk. You were happy with your virgin mojito.
“What do you think the boys are doing tonight?” Yunjin was still admirably sober in spite of the amount of alcohol she consumed. She and her high alcohol tolerance should be investigated.
“Watching TV,” you assumed, mostly based on how you last saw them huddled in Heeseung and Jay’s apartment, tuning into another episode of ‘Seinfeld’ before all of you left for the bar.
“Oh, really? Then why do I see them approaching us,” Chaewon had a better angle of the door given her seating position. At that, you and Yunjin whipped your heads towards the door, disbelief fueling your system. When you told them of your plans, you weren’t expecting them to crash it.
“They really have to stop following us to girls’ night,” Yunjin groaned, returning a wave to Jake begrudgingly. It wasn’t the first time they appeared at girls’ night. You’d think they wouldn’t do it again, but clearly, it was your fault for thinking that way.
“No invite?” Jay made a weeping expression, trying his best to wedge himself in between Chaewon and Yunjin, resulting in them pushing him away.
“Are you guys eligible for girls’ night?” Chaewon deadpanned, sighing aloud.
“If you remove all the testosterone from our bodies, then maybe,” Heeseung slid into the seat next to yours, making himself comfortable as he actively ignored your disapproving gaze.
You switched your focus onto him, letting the others’ bickering fade into the background. He swiftly ordered his usual drink, gin on rocks, then looked at you, cocking an eyebrow with some extent of expectation that you’d start questioning him endlessly. Well, he was right.
“You don’t like coming out to bars unless something has happened. Tell me, which one of you got your heart broken?”
Heeseung laughed, realising you had a point. There was a reason why the both of you could click easily. You and him shared equal dislike for loud and crowded places, finding them overwhelming. “I did,”
“What?”
“I ended it with Wonyoung. Not that it had a label in the first place, but … I just thought it was time to stop,” out of everything you prepared yourself mentally to hear, this piece of information was the last you thought to receive. “It was amicable, don’t worry,”
“But why?”
“We don’t click. That’s it. I thought we did, but I was wrong,” he shrugged, thanking the bartender for the drink, wasting no time in taking a sip of it. “My heart wasn’t there. I think I left it some place else,” he left his heart with you, in the form of a chain which sat around your neck, tucked beneath your blouse.
“So the first thing you thought of was to come here and drink?”
“Wasn’t my idea. Jay insisted on coming after he heard about your plan,”
“That is very on brand of him,” you snorted, expecting nothing less of Jay for wrecking havoc whenever he had the chance to. “Are you doing okay?”
“I’m fine. I expected it at some point, so I suppose it hurts less this way,” Heeseung’s lack of expression made it hard to decipher what he was thinking, forcing you to guess while also treading carefully in unknown territory. “You’re right all along,” you didn’t reply, and waited for him to continue, a part of you cringed at the thought of the incident. Turns out, the projection of your jealousy wasn’t entirely wrong. “I knew we couldn’t work out when she said she didn’t like you guys—don’t be mad—except for Yunjin, I guess? How can I have someone who can’t stand my friends?”
“And to think we were actually rooting for her,” you were disappointed, but not surprised. There was always a feeling in your gut about Wonyoung regardless of your spiteful claim. You hated to be proven right in this context. At the same time, you’d also be lying if you said it didn’t provide some sense of satisfaction to you.
“What doesn’t kill you make you stronger,”
“Cheers to that,” you held up your glass, to which Heeseung gladly clinked. You shot him a quick smile before sipping your mocktail, looking at him with a little too much emotion in your eyes which you couldn’t contain. If you didn’t know better, they might’ve come off as heart eyes. You made sure to glance away for a hot minute when Heeseung put down his glass, he mustn’t see you in your weakest state.
“Look, I need a quick trip to the restroom. Wait for me. Maybe or maybe not, we can dip to get some of our favourite late night snacks,”
“Abandoning our friends? That’s evil,” you whispered, so that the others wouldn’t hear. Judging from their chaotic talking and continuous drinking, you doubted they would notice for even a bit. “I’m down,”
“Give me five minutes.”
Your eyes followed him into the crowd until he disappeared around the corner. Up till that moment, you were finally able to breathe more comfortably, feeling partially restrained by the unusual tension wedged in your dynamic with Heeseung. Although your friendship with him was mostly recovered, you still couldn’t shake off some persisting tension. It was sticking out like a sore thumb. The rest of the group were busy with their ongoing drinking game, dumping the two of you aside from the get-go, so you sat peeking over Yunjin’s shoulder to watch them play, minding your business with your drink in hand.
“Can I buy you a drink?”
So much for minding your own business. You turned at the sound of a stranger’s voice along with a tap on your shoulder, soon met with the face belonging to a handsomely charming man. As far as looks could get him, occupying a seat which was visibly taken based on the drink in its position on the counter wasn’t a good first impression. For the sake of courtesy, you offered a smile.
“Sorry, but the seat’s taken,” it was an indirect ‘no’, the nicest way you could put it without being harsh. Sparing him some embarrassment on his part was humane in your opinion, but apparently, rejection wasn’t an answer this man was willing to accept. The second you saw a switch in the way his face was screwed into, you peacefully realised trouble was imminent.
“I’m just trying to be nice, miss. I think a drink isn’t that big of a problem, no?”
“I appreciate it, but I’m not interested in accepting,”
“Really, one drink, that’s all,”
You were starting to cower in fear, gradually shrinking into your seat. “Sorry, no,”
“What’s going on?” Yunjin slurred behind you, the effects of alcohol evidently caught up to her. The activities happening within your circle of friends had halted at the minor commotion between you and this man who wouldn’t leave you alone. You and all of your friends had gotten to your feet in caution. They. in particular, were instantly poised for action if physical extraction was necessary.
“This guy wouldn’t go away,”
The man scoffed, removing himself off the high stool to stand on all ten toes as well. “I’m trying to get to know your friend. I’m offering to buy her a drink,”
“Hey man, she said ‘no’,” Heeseung couldn’t have chosen a better time to return. Without a single question asked, he was the first to leap into action. He instinctively put himself between you and the man, which unintentionally fueled the situation as it did nothing but agitated the man more. The man stepped closer to Heeseung, sizing him up as if it would successfully intimidate him. Heeseung didn’t like that at all, the mild twitch in his jaw gave his annoyance away. He held out his hand to put a distance between them. “Back off, dude,”
“And who are you?”
Heeseung’s attempt at mediating the escalating situation wasn’t looking very bright. He didn’t answer—totally the wrong move—so, the man continued closing in on him. You came to the conclusion that the man was purposefully making things worse by ticking Heeseung off. And he had indeed fallen into the trap before you could warn him. He was left with no other choices but to push the man on his shoulder in order for the man to fall back. “It’s none of your business. You should leave,”
While still standing behind Heeseung, you pulled at his sleeves, trying to get his attention even though you sensed his anger rising, and there was a high chance he couldn’t hear you past it. “Heeseung, I think we should go—”
“So, you’re protecting this bitch—”
A fist collided with the man’s cheek in a blur. Heeseung undeniably saw red, every ounce of rationality flew out of the window. The scene drew gasps from everyone in the vicinity, including you and your friends. Stunned was an understatement. Heeseung was known to be the calmest amongst the group, being the poster boy for thinking before acting. That was until now.
“Heeseung!”
The man recovered rather quickly from both the pain and the surprise. Just when you wanted to pull Heeseung away, another punch landed, except it was on Heeseung this time. This was surely his ticking point, because he quite literally slipped from your grasp, returning a punch to the man. You were watching in horror as the prior dispute somehow evolved into a fist fight. You wanted a boring night, this was miles off what ‘boring’ would be defined as.
Everything around you faded, your ears were muffled, you weren’t even aware of Yunjin and Chaewon dragging you to the side while Jay and Jake ran to pull Heeseung off of the man. The situation had become out of control. Staff and some customers came to help, managing to separate the two men from each other, both bloody and bruised. The fortunate part about this mess consisted of two things: nobody else was hurt, and nothing got destroyed. The unfortunate part was probably getting kicked out and banned, then having to end your night in the emergency room.
Heeseung suffered not only a split lip that had to be stitched, but also a boxer’s fracture discovered through an X-ray scan. His left hand was wrapped in an ulnar gutter splint—some medical term you recalled the doctor mentioning—immobilising specifically his pinky and ring finger, which meant he was totally inconvenienced by not being able to use his non-dominant hand for several weeks. You wished to laugh in his face for the consequences he brought upon himself. In spite of the thought of taunting him, you were far from being in the mood to do so.
Standing by the medical bed with him sitting on the edge, his injured hand elevated on a pillow, you scowled, not having said a word since you arrived. Every one of your friends had returned home after Heeseung insisted he was fine in your care. In retrospect, he should be thankful you weren’t currently choking him for his careless actions. Instead, he was suffering from both his injuries and your angered silent treatment as the two of you waited for discharge paperworks.
“I’m sorry,” Heeseung, at last, decided to be the one to break the icy silence formed rigidly in the room. A sharp inhalation of breath was your response for the next following moments, head shaking in what could be described as either disappointment or disapproval, you couldn’t figure which would be the most fitting for your current thoughts.
“‘Sorry’? What were you thinking? You were reckless, and incredibly thoughtless about your own safety,” you snapped, fear seeping through the anger you used to conceal your true emotions, the tremor of your hand might just be a telltale sign.
“I wanted to protect you!”
“I didn’t need protection!” you took half a step forward, Heeseung barely budged, keeping himself steady and overall composed. “You could’ve gotten more hurt than you already are right now,”
“But I didn’t,”
“That’s because people intervened before it got worse, smartass. You should be thankful the charges were dropped because the bartender backed you up,” you rubbed at your temple, pacing back and forth. His stubbornness was clashing with yours, making things ten times more difficult than it already was. You were able to understand why the last time the both of you fought had ended in neither of you speaking to each other again. “I didn’t want you to get hurt,”
“Who are you to get a say in that?”
You glowered at him, having the inability to form a logical answer to his response without the emotional side of you spilling all over. Sure, you could go with the reason of you being his dear best friend who was afraid to see him putting himself in danger, or you could go for the option of being silent and not utter those seven letters admitting you’re friends, because the last thing you’d like to touch upon in that emergency room was your feelings for him. It was a sensitive subject.
“Excuse me?” out of all the possible times to appear, the nurse had to pick the one where you and Heeseung were in the middle of another altercation. Another not assuring point to note was the nurse awkwardly handing you the paperwork to sign, looking thoroughly uncomfortable and very much aware of what was going down moments before she entered. Great, you took your chances to sign the discharge paperwork and stormed out at the last flick of your signature, your frustration blinding you the entire way to the front of the hospital.
You gasped for air, the stuffiness inside the emergency room restricted your airways, in addition, the whole exchange with Heeseung only pressed harder onto your lungs. Watching cars come and go, patients arriving and leaving, you felt helpless for the first time in a while, consumed by your fear that was creeping up on you without your knowledge. You stood there, alone and confused, no one to come to your aid.
“Y/N,” you registered Heeseung’s voice, only you were a moment’s short of a reaction as he grabbed a hold of your wrist, tugging onto your arm to turn you around. You didn’t push him away. An arm in a cast, physically dishevelled, panting and out of breath from chasing you, Heeseung wasn’t backing down without a fight, one that he hoped wouldn’t land him in the hospital once more. “Answer me. What am I to you?”
“What?”
“What am I to you?”
“You’re my friend,”
“Bullshit,”
“My best friend,”
“Bullshit!” he snarled, spewing the word through clenched teeth, unable to contain his rage nor keep his voice from rising. His grip on you remained firm, contrasting the waver of emotions seen in his eyes. “Is this really what you think about me—about us? Because I don’t believe you,”
“Then what do you think about us?”
“Don’t turn this on me,”
“You’re the one who got a girlfriend first then suddenly dropped this out of nowhere! Not to mention, right after breaking up with her,”
“That’s because I wished she were you,” this was enough to shut you up, rendering you speechless, all vocabulary seemed to escape your brain, not that there were any appropriate ones to use at that moment. “I thought being with someone else would erase what I felt for you. It seemed to have worked for a short while, until I realised that’s not how it works, and I was thinking about you the whole time,” he paused, but you didn’t know if it was for you to take it in or for himself to not crumble. “You said you knew me, but clearly not enough to tell that I’m in love with you, and I’ve always been in love with you,”
His confession had taken a toll on him, every last bit of strength he saved since running after you was slowly depleting. You felt him letting go of your arm, sighing deeply, the sound of your heartbeats filled the cold night air. Heeseung stared back at you weakly, pleading for you to break the silence on your end. You were a fool, a self-sabotaging lunatic who was ruining yourself at the thought of him falling for someone else in the first place, just to back away out of fear when he admitted his feelings to you directly. When were you going to stop running away?
“We can either leave here like how we were before, pretend nothing happened, or we can leave knowing the truth,” Heeseung had thrown the ball into your court, rightfully giving you your turn to speak your truth or forever hold your peace. Your hands were balled into fists at each side, nails digging crescent moons into your palm, the cooling breeze did nothing to help the heat travelling up your entire body.
“God damn it, Heeseung, I love you,” you bursted at the seams, the only secret you’ve kept to yourself was freed, pouring out of you like a gushing fountain. “I love you, and I’m in love with you too,” The months you’ve spent dwelled on this—your love for your best friend of several years—hadn’t prepared you to face it head on, because you were definitely holding in every ounce of tears amassed over that era of your life. “I was scared—I am scared, that if I ever told you how I really feel, I’d lose you, and everything we built would be gone,”
You shifted on your two feet, never once did you dare to look away from Heeseung, still petrified that whatever left your mouth would ruin the friendship that had already been over since you discovered your feelings for him. “I tried convincing myself we were nothing but friends, until I couldn’t anymore, and it hurts. It really did when I saw you with someone else, that’s when I thought I had lost you,”
“You never lost me, you never would’ve lost me,” Heeseung took your trembling hand into his, intertwining his fingers with yours. Something you’ve done countless times suddenly felt more intimate than it should be. Given the proximity and the vulnerable confessions, everything significantly changed, realising there was no point of return. “You were always a part of me,”
“Tell me this is real, that whatever I’ve felt between us has always been real,” you searched for his eyes, for some sort of confirmation to your fears which persisted in haunting you. He squeezed your hand, putting on a smile just for you, the edge of his eyes crinkled a little.
“It is real, more than you can ever comprehend. You complete me.”
Heeseung never gave you a chance to speak this time. He chose to be selfish. Once you’ve come to wrap your scrambled mind around his words, he has freed his hand from your grasp, pulling you in with that hand now placed on your cheek, lips colliding onto yours.
Everything felt right. How you moved against each others’ lips, rough and passionate, barely holding yourselves back after months, or rather years of built up tension and silent confessions pushed down for the sake of keeping your friendship safe. That could all be forgotten now. The idea of a friendship flew out of your mind when you melted into his touch. His calloused palm cradled the side of your side face, moving it to a certain angle just so he could deepen the kiss.
The amount of kiss scenes you’ve indulged from watching too many rom-coms would never have prepared yourself for this. Ever. Kissing Heeseung was different, he was different. It was sweet, gentle, and too familiar, as though kissing him was a second instinct of yours, almost like a birthright. You were experiencing every butterfly, every spark, every bit of nervousness that you’d normally get whenever his gaze lingered a minute too long, where his hands would brush against yours, or those times he would look at you in a group full of people. You were always the center of his world, you just never brought yourself to notice.
The both of you gradually pulled away after what seemed like an eternity trapped in heaven, but not completely apart, still resisting to separate, chasing each others’ lips with a hunger to appease. In the end, you settled to rest your forehead against his, noses close to touching, breaths fanning one anothers’ lips. Neither of you spoke for a while, basking in the ambience, all while you held onto him, and he held onto you closer.
“Does that mean our friendship is ruined now?” you whispered faintly, grinning widely and giddy from the aftermath of your kiss.
“I think it’s been ruined for a long time,” Heeseung’s thumb caressed the expanse of your cheek, moving away to press a soft kiss on your temple. “And I don’t regret any part of it,” he shook his head, gaze boring into yours with no intention to ever leave. “Except I didn’t get to kiss you sooner,”
There he was, classic Heeseung with his smart mouth, trying to win you completely by pulling out the methods he used on ladies for them swoon over him. You punched his shoulder, scoffing at him and that smug smile on his stupidly charming face. “Then kiss me again.”
You didn’t need to tell Heeseung twice before he swooped in to connect his lips with yours for a second time that night. Sparks flew, electricity coursed through your veins, it felt like you were kissed by him for the first time all over again. Holding onto each other, none of you dared to let go, terrified this moment would suddenly disappear and fade into nothingness. But it was never meant to be fleeting nor short-lived, instead, merely a goodbye to this ending, welcoming a new beginning.
In the middle of New York City, standing right in front of a hospital, you were kissing a man you’ve fallen in love with, your best friend who got himself injured just for your sake. If anything, you’d consider this to be a better plot than any of your favourite movies. The story of how you and Heeseung fell in love might be competing for the position of ‘When Harry Met Sally’ in your life.
The festive season in the city was an absolute dream.
You got to go Christmas shopping, visit coffee shops for a sizzling cup of hot chocolate, and head to a few rounds of ice skating just so you could prove to everyone you wouldn’t fall. It was your favourite time of the year. This time was no different from the other years you spent in New York. Staying in on a cold day, wrapped in layers of clothing, preparing for the annual Christmas dinner followed by an after party you and your friends threw as a tradition, everything about the holiday was perfect. The only contrast to other years was the label to you and Heeseung’s relationship.
That’s right. You and Heeseung were no longer friends, you and him had become a couple. It took five years and six months for the both of you to reach this stage in life. After a total of over a hundred failed dates, two boyfriends, and three girlfriends plus three unofficial-no-label partners over the course of these five years, you and him finally learnt there was no point in finding love elsewhere, when it’s been next to you the entire time. Maybe you had to spend a long time to learn that, but a lesson was still a lesson at the end of the day.
“You guys are disgusting,” Chaewon could only roll her eyes and shake her head at the sight of Heeseung giving you a peck on the lips. She couldn’t bring herself to complain as she was one of the members to ride the train of bringing you and Heeseung together. Despite her funny little digs, she would be smiling watching the both of you severely struck by the love bug.
“It’s Christmas, cheer up,” you nudged her with your elbow, holding carefully onto the freshly baked lasagna. The last, grandest piece of the Christmas dinner presented on your kitchen table. You should bear in mind to hire caterers next year, the exhaustion was indescribable.
“If only Santa could wrap a capable man for me this Christmas, and gift him to me,” Chaewon grumbled, falling into one of the chairs with a loud sigh. The smell of cooked food had attracted flies in the form of men into the dining area. Jay and Jake soon came rushing in to snatch a seat at the table, fighting over who would be the one to hog the turkey leg.
“Am I not a part of this fight anymore?” Heeseung slid into the chair next to you, seemingly offended that he was excluded from the traditional turkey discourse. You, Yunjin, and Chaewon snickered at the silliness of their behaviour, a common happening you and your friends were desensitized to.
“You have a girlfriend, Heeseung, the least you can do is leave the turkey leg to us,” Jake pointed a finger at Heeseung, earning a disgruntled grunt of agreement from Jay. Heeseung shrugged, knowing they weren’t wrong, contentedly throwing an arm around you, while also smugly grinning at the two men. You rolled your eyes, but didn’t brush his touch away either.
With a clap of your hands, you announced the start of the dinner. “Eat up, everyone. Before the guests start coming.”
Hours later, you and Yunjin’s apartment was congested with friends and families, nothing you’ve never experienced before, you just forgot how overwhelming it was at some point. The music you put on the background was effectively drowned out due to scattered loud chatters, your friends were dispersed all over the apartment as well. You were at least happy to see the condiment platters being savagely cleared thanks to certain hungry individuals (most likely Jay). Seeing your hard work enjoyed by others was somewhat fulfilling, but you had a feeling it was the festive mood speaking on your behalf.
“Hey,” Heeseung appeared by your side as you replenished the platters, helping you to take them to the table. You followed him with empty hands.
“Hi,” your hands weren’t so empty anymore when he grabbed them immediately after, pulling you along with him, squeezing through groups of people. He stopped directly next to the stereo in the corner, away from the crowd, just the two of you keeping each other company. He turned the volume higher, barely loud enough to overpower the sound of people’s voices, but just right for you to listen. George Benson’s ‘Nothing’s Gonna Change My Love for You’ began playing.
“You’re tired,” he stated, bringing both your hands over his shoulders, resting them comfortably there, his own placed on your waist. You let him lead, body naturally swaying to the lazy rhythm of the music, slow dancing in this tiny corner while others were occupied. It was you and him in your own world, nobody else would come to disturb or ruin your moment together.
“It’s always exhausting when it comes to throwing parties. I think we should have a vacation for the next holiday, escape all of this,”
“Where would you like to go?”
You pondered for a while, speaking off the top of your head. “I’m thinking the Bahamas,”
“You really love the beach, don’t you?”
“Only if you’re there picking seashells with me,” you pressed a long kiss by the edge of his mouth, taking in the smile that instantly appeared on his face, a look of love and adoration was written all over him. He was a man who stood at the top of the world regardless of what he wanted or wished to achieve.
“I’ll gladly collect every seashell on the beach if it meant getting to spend time with you,” he hummed, squeezing your waist playfully just to hear you laugh at the tickling sensation. You slapped at his chest, a few more laughter lingered from either one of you, George Benson in the background being replaced by ‘With or Without You’ by U2. Heeseung glanced up briefly, a grin slowly formed, and you understood it was a sign of mischief. He was up to no good. “Uh oh, mistletoe alert,”
Following his actions, you tilted your head back, spotting a mistletoe hanging above your head. You didn’t know whether to be annoyed, impressed, or amused. Perhaps you were all. “You planted it there, didn’t you?”
Heeseung feigned ignorance, raising both shoulders with a devious smirk. He was a hundred percent guilty. “Maybe I did, maybe I didn’t,”
You stared at him, still moving to the music playing, saying nothing, only letting your eyes wander every feature on his face. From his large deer-like eyes, to the slope of his nose, down to the pout of his lips, those were the features that welcomed you to the city on your first day, ones which you admired many times. Now, they would one day be passed down onto your children. Heeseung was the man you loved, and nothing would ever change that.
“I love you,”
It wasn’t the first time Heeseung heard those three sacred words coming from you. In fact, he heard it day in, day out, you made sure he wouldn’t forget it, and he never once got sick of listening to your voice, listening to you express your love to him like it hadn’t been done before. He removed his hands from your waist, choosing to settle them on either side of your cheeks. “I love you too.”
Under the mistletoe, Heeseung kissed you like it was his very first time doing so. You forgot about the people, the music, the cold, and quite frankly, the presents waiting for you. All that mattered to you was having your best friend, your forever partner, in your arms, holding onto you with such gentleness it could almost be compared to the snow falling outside your window.
Moving to New York City was the best choice you’ve made for yourself. You found your identity, a good job, an amazing group of friends, and a forever person to spend the rest of your life with. The advice you’d give to someone who’s new to the city would probably be: one, get to know your neighbour; two, accept the pizza your neighbour offers, then wait for whatever that comes next and go along with wherever the wind blows. Remember, it’s always good to ruin the friendship too.
SYNOPSIS: New York City promised you a lot of things. Big opportunities, a better social life, a lavish city for you to explore, everything and anything but love. While you searched for this thing called ‘love’ by going on dates and being introduced to men after men, you continued to ignore the only person who you’ve always loved, your neighbour across the hall, Lee Heeseung. As you embarked on this journey through life, you realised you were letting him slip away from your grasp as you denied this very thing you longed for. But nothing was ever too late if only you’d face your fears and ruin the damn friendship.
PAIRINGS: non-idol!heeseung x afab!reader
GENRE: (two idiotic) best friends to lovers, fluff, angst, romance, slow burn, inspired by chandler and monica from 'FRIENDS' (tv show) and 'when harry met sally'
WARNING(S): profanities, mentions of alcohol, slight violence
WC: 23k
PLAYLIST: fresh out the slammer, ruin the friendship by taylor swift / a couple minutes, let alone the one you love by olivia dean / almost is never enough, my everything by ariana grande
AUTHOR'S NOTE: i'm ALIVE. happy 2026, sorry for the long wait because life's hectic. this has been in my drafts for a long time and i finally wrote it but ofc it ended up being over 20k lol. please leave a feedback and reblogs are greatly appreciated! muah xx
It’s been five years since you’ve moved to New York. The bustling city was overwhelming to say the least. Fast paced and filled with people of all kinds, settling in definitely took you some time. In those five years, you unexpectedly found yourself in a group of friends. As cliche as it sounded, you were convinced fate had set every one of you up in a peculiar way. From then onwards, the six of you have stuck together and terrorized the coffee shop as a spot for your daily hangouts.
Everything first started off when you moved into your new apartment. You were housing with a girl called Jennifer Huh, or better known as Huh Yunjin, a native New Yorker. She was easy to be friends with, having a natural outgoing personality, she helped you settle in easier than expected. Soon, you met her friend who lived nearby, Kim Chaewon, another bubbly personality added to the mix. The three of you naturally became an inseparable trio when there were way too many common interests shared between all of you.
Moving on from that, it didn’t take long before you met your neighbour too, the one that lived across the hall. Turns out, it was a man that occupied the apartment, seemingly being in the same situation as Yunjin was with the entire housemate hunt, but obviously, that changed when you came along. He, on the contrary, was stuck dealing with that trouble. His name was Lee Heeseung. He was kind, a little too handsome for your eyes to handle and had a mouth that spewed sarcasm like his life depended on it.
Heeseung was searching for a housemate too, but unlike Yunjin, he had a rougher experience with more failures than success. That luck soon changed when you came home to a bunch of boxes piled by the door of Heeseung’s apartment, another pretty face appearing to introduce himself as ‘Jay’, features strong enough to knock wind out of your lungs, matching his velvety smooth voice that would knock your panties off too. It took you and the girls a lot of courage to face Jay, who was deemed as the ‘handsome one’ without his knowledge.
“He won’t bite.” Heeseung snarkily whispered to the three of you when he saw you and your friends huddled into one corner of the couch in the coffee shop, listening to Jay’s complaints about his new job.
To make matters more interesting, Jay soon brought a new friend to the group, a fresh face to the city similarly to you. Sim Jaeyun, who actually insisted on being called Jake, was not only new to the city, but also the country. He was originally from Australia but moved to New York for his job. A cute, awkward guy that stumbled over his words from time to time, reminding you of a puppy, basically that summed him up as a whole.
From the comforts of your apartment to the coffee shop nearby, the six of you spent days, months, years together, not remembering the time where you’re not together, which was probably never. Fast forward to the present day now that years have passed, many have changed when it came to the world, but ultimately, your friendship remained.
“Do you guys still have milk?” you opened your door to a topless Heeseung, bed hair still present, unbothered by your judgemental eye roll as he followed you in.
“Well, good morning to you too,” you grumbled, getting back to your own breakfast.
“Morning,” he flashed a smile at you, then proceeded to dig through your fridge for the milk he came for. “Bingo,” he slammed the door shut, holding onto your box of milk victoriously.
Heeseung walked past you casually, heading towards the door only to stop in his tracks, turning his body to face you in a dramatic manner. You glanced up from your bowl of cereal, seeing the obvious question marks plastered on his entire face.
“Are you still going on that date with Marcus?” he pointed the milk at you, an eyebrow raised. The minor twitch of that same eyebrow didn’t go unnoticed, a quirk of his whenever he’s mildly annoyed. For whatever reason, you didn’t know. You brushed off your initial reaction to that detail, responding to him with an unimpressed stare.
“It's Mark,” you corrected through a mouthful of cereal, watching him slowly approach the table, leaning against the chair opposite of you. “And yes, I am. Aren’t you going on a date with that Jessica girl you met at the coffee shop?”
“I am,” he shifted uneasily on his feet, still maintaining that look in his eyes, the one that he has whenever he interrogates you at the mention of a date. It was rather unreadable, he tended to hide it pretty quickly once he realised you caught onto it. Heeseung and you were no strangers to each others’ love lives, constantly curious about potential dates, wishing to indulge purely out of interest. This time, however, Heeseung seemed to emit a much different intent than before. “That’s not important, though. So, what's Mark like?”
“Your date isn’t important but mine is? What? You want him instead?” you deadpanned, attempting to amuse him dryly, unable to understand the reason behind him suddenly prying into the information of your date when he would usually choose to spare listening to the details.
“I’m just … asking,” Heeseung shrugged, a 180 switch from one minute ago, acting as if he could care less, but the stiffness in his stance was telling you otherwise.
You finished the last of your breakfast, getting out of your seat to clean up, hearing Heeseung shuffling around behind you in your quiet apartment. “He’s nice, a decent guy with a funny humour, quite awkward, but also charming,” you described Mark to Heeseung, though you found it was rather simple and vague once you verbally said it out loud, not that you knew him more than that. “What about Jessica?”
Heeseung hadn’t expected you to turn his question on him. He was stunned for a moment, but was quick to recover himself. “She’s cute, really sweet, smart and works in a hospital,”
You nodded slowly, putting the dishes away before turning to face him, resting your hip against the counter. “Where are you taking this girl?”
“The restaurant down the street from the coffee house,”
“The Italian one? What a coincidence. Mark made a reservation at the Spanish restaurant across from it,”
“Of course he did,” Heeseung muttered inaudibly under his breath, just quiet enough for you to not catch onto his words. It only got him a very confused frown from you, your stance changing to rest a hand on your waist.
“What?”
He waved his hand dismissively at you, laughing lightly to distract you from his peculiar behaviour. “Nothing. Maybe we’ll run into each other tonight … or not,”
“Maybe,” you echoed, thinking about the several times you’ve actually ran into Heeseung in the middle of your dates and vice versa. You and him never had dates outside of the area, frequently going to places nearby, but bizarrely, you never question the coincidences if the two of you saw each other.
“I’ll see you later at the coffee house. I heard Jake has some news he wants to tell us,” Heeseung had his hand on the doorknob, ready to leave, his gaze on you unwavering. It was an early morning, yet there was something odd lingering in the air between you and him that you could not comprehend. When it comes to your conversations about dates with Heeseung, it has always been lighthearted discussions, unlike this time where you found yourself troubled and him acting out of character.
“See you, Hee,” you softly bid him a temporary goodbye, absentmindedly using a nickname that only you had reserved for him. He flashed you a quick smile before closing the door, leaving you alone to marinate in the aftermath of your short yet questionable conversation. The thoughts of him persisted for too long till the door to Yunjin’s room swung open, and you failed to notice it.
“Who was that?” her voice successfully brought you out of your daydreams, you could tell from her expressions that she had spotted your strange behaviour almost at once, reminding you to snap out of it and return yourself back to your senses. Call it morning grumpiness or a Heeseung shake up. “Was it Heeseung?” you couldn’t deduce if Yunjin was simply assuming it was him or she had guessed it accurately from the look on your face.
“Yeah,” you chose to feign ignorance, pretending you weren’t bothered by him or even the mention of his name.
Yunjin groaned deeply, rolling her eyes far enough that it might’ve gone to the back of her head. “Did he take our milk again?”
The morning rolled by without either of you bringing up Heeseung’s name once more. As usual, when lunch time came around, the entire group was present at the coffee house, crowding the designated spot, all of you arriving from each of your offices, waiting for Jake to spill his burning hot news.
“So, what’s the big announcement, Jakey boy?” Yunjin sipped on her hot tea, eyeing Jake sharply as he set his briefcase down, the tailored suit hugging his figure perfectly.
“I got offered to teach at NYU!” Jake almost jumped at the announcement, looking as though he had been holding that information in for ages. The group cheered in sync, yelling a collection of congratulations, each one of you taking turns to hug him out of genuine shared excitement. “I’ll be an engineering professor, isn’t it crazy?”
“That’s great, Jake!” Chaewon was the last to hug him, patting him enthusiastically on the back while she made sure her coffee didn’t spill over. She set her mug down, eyes lighting up at an idea that seemed to have appeared in her mind. “How about we go out and celebrate?”
Jake beamed at her suggestion, his answer was already written all over his face. “We should. Shouldn’t we, guys? What about dinner tonight?”
Heeseung glanced at you, meeting your knowing gaze, a mutual understanding passing through the two of you. He turned to Jake, hating to ruin the moment for just a split second. “Sorry pal, Y/N and I have dates tonight. How about tomorrow night?”
“You two are finally going on a date?”
The atmosphere around the group stilled, everyone stopped whatever they were doing, halted mid drink or bite, just to stare at you and Heeseung. Worst part of all, they didn’t even bother questioning Jake’s obvious error. You were sure every one of them had heard and understood Heeseung clearly, but instead, they chose to go with Jake’s misinterpretation.
“What?” Speaking in sync wasn’t entirely helping your case either. You and Heeseung exchanged incredulous glances, facing your group of friends after with nothing but an obvious look of ‘are you kidding me‘, as though their foolishness were incomprehensible to you and Heeseung.
“Wait, you’re not going on a date together?” Jake threaded the waters carefully, shrinking into his seat in embarrassment, contrary to the rest, who perked up in overwhelming interest.
“We’re not going on a date together, not with each other,” Heeseung corrected, sighing loudly out of his flaring nostrils.
“We have dates scheduled with other people. I’m going out with Mark, remember the guy I was saying—”
“Oh! The cute guy from my marketing department!” Chaewon jogged her memory, remembering the details better than Heeseung did. Speaking of him, he was fortunate enough to avoid getting caught rolling his eyes at the mention of your date, a minor detail that went a long way.
“That’s right, Chae, thank you,” you nodded at her, smiling sweetly. “Heeseung’s going out with … who’s she again?” You flashed an apologetic look at him, though it wasn’t convincing. You did remember her name, you were just doing this out of spite, and yes, you were aware of Heeseung glaring at you.
“Jessica,”
“The one with the big tits?” Jay spoke his mind a little too freely, garnering a collective questionable look from the group. He merely shrugged, not one ounce of regret seen in his expressions.
“No, the one with a big heart,” Heeseung grumbled, the sarcasm in his comment remained as per usual.
“Well, we thought—”
“We thought nothing,” Yunjin cut through Chaewon’s words quicker than the speed of light, shooting her a warning glare that you might need to read into after. You and Heeseung couldn’t understand what they meant, neither did the two of you notice the wary looks exchanged between your friends. It was the exact feeling of getting left out of an inside joke, but it was less stinging to know you had Heeseung with you in that experience. “Anyway, should we set dinner for tomorrow night?”
As if on cue, everyone responded with unanimous agreement, brushing past the prior topic without a second thought. You figured it was strange how your friends had reacted to the very ridiculous idea of you and Heeseung going on a date with each other. Plus, what did Jake mean with ‘finally’? Weren’t you and Heeseung just friends, the same way it was with the others?
Hypothetically speaking, if you were to go out on a date with him, what’s so wrong with that?
For that night, to everyone’s disappointment, you already had a date, and his name was Mark. You decided to shake the thoughts away until you were standing by the entrance of your apartment, waiting for your date’s arrival so that you two could walk down to the restaurant together. It was an arrangement you purposely requested, thinking a walk would add some spice to it.
“Hey,”
You didn't need to turn to find out who it was that appeared. From the voice alone, including the warm presence you felt, you concluded that Heeseung had made his presence known. He stood next to you, hands in his pockets, decked out in a sleek suit.
“Hey. You're all dressed up,” you reached over to fix his tie, straightening it to make sure it wasn’t crooked. After all, a good impression was important. “And, you finally know how to tie your own tie,”
“I always knew how to do that,” Heeseung argued back, though it was a weak argument, knowing you had struck dead on a bullseye.
“No, you don't,”
“Yes, I do,”
“Then who’s been the one tying it for you whenever you mess up? Jay?”
Heeseung breathed sharply through his nose, realising you had the last word, but he didn’t mind, a smile proved it, just from thinking about the memories of you fixing his every fucked up tie. “It’s you,”
“That’s right,” you saw that smile of his stretched across his lips, the suddenness of your heart jumping at the sight made your hand fall from his tie, your expressions unknowingly faltering. You recovered yourself in an instant, relieved that Heeseung hadn’t caught onto it. “Are you waiting here too?”
“I’m heading to the restaurant, we’re meeting there. Is your date coming? We can walk together if you’d like,”
“I’d love to, but we’re meeting here,” you softened at his suggestion, noting the hint of disappointment in your tone that you hoped he didn’t notice. There was a short moment of silence that neither you nor him minded, just taking in each other’s presence. “Thanks, Heeseung,”
Heeseung smiled, but it didn’t reach his eyes like it always did. Despite the noises surrounding you, whether it was people talking or the traffic of the busy city, in that moment, you only had each other in focus. “No problem. See you tomorrow?”
You nodded, reaching your hand over again to give him a slightly encouraging squeeze to the shoulder. “I’ll see you tomorrow. Good luck,”
“You too.”
Meeting Mark started off great, the walk to the restaurant had gone according to plan, you managed to get to know more about this guy in Chaewon’s marketing department. He loved cycling, had a cat, lived in the upstate area, basically an ideal recipe for a good boyfriend. You knew you could trust Chaewon’s taste.
Dinner had a slow start to it. You listened to Mark talking about his latest discoveries of restaurants nearby, liking how he carried himself, especially when he spoke of his interests that only made him more interesting. Maybe, just maybe, there was a chance that this would break your ‘first date curse’, that there’d be an actual second date waiting for you.
However, you were wrong, so wrong.
By the time dessert was served, you thought your ears were about to fall off from Mark’s continuous rant about his ex girlfriend. At first, it began with only a simple mention of her, eventually it turned into an emotional spiel, then finally, he decided to close the night off with confessing his longings for her, which beats the entire purpose of the date and ruined your appetite for dessert.
You didn’t bother for him to walk you home, you figured you needed alone time to sort out your afterthoughts about the disastrous date. The moment you bid him goodbye, you knew there was no next time, surely you weren’t going to bump into him either. Once he disappeared around the corner, you found the courage to move, but as you were about to turn and leave, you spotted another figure across the street.
Heeseung.
Likewise, he had seen you at the same time that you did, meeting your eyes almost instantly. You couldn’t help frowning, noticing the lack of his date’s presence, questioning why he was alone just like you were. It didn’t take him another second before he crossed the road skillfully, dodging the traffic as if it was nothing. He appeared right in front of you within a blink of an eye, wearing the brightest smile that resembled the stars in the night sky.
“Didn’t think I’d see you tonight,” you said truthfully, thinking the interaction you had with him before the date was going to be the last time you saw him until the next day. Little did you know, fate had other things set in motion for you and him.
“I thought so too. I’m glad I got to see you though,” he was genuine, you could tell, his smile remained on his face softly, as if your presence was enough to evoke one from him. “How’s your date? Has he left?”
“Don’t talk about my date, it was another disaster,”
“Was he married again?”
“What—no! God, no. I don’t think I can handle it if it happened again,” you shook your head harshly, mostly trying to physically shake the thoughts from your head. You swallowed, uncomfortably shifting on your feet. “He was talking about his ex,”
“Ouch!” Heeseung exclaimed, dramatically placing a hand on his chest.
“I know!”
“The worst kind of date to have,”
“Tell me about it. I had to sit there and hear him yap about her and how she’s a bitch, but then she’s suddenly an angel that he lost,”
His eyebrows furrowed, a frown pulled at his lips, the same one he had whenever a waiter got his order wrong. He clicked his tongue, shaking his head gently. “You know what he truly lost? You,”
You searched his eyes for the truth, terrified he was lying through his teeth, that he was saying things to make your heart jump just for it to be all in your head. “You’re only saying that to make me feel better,”
“I've never lied to you, Y/N,” there, in the middle of a sidewalk, in his suit, Heeseung confessed his thoughts, the moon illuminating the honesty hidden behind his eyes, highlighting the truth laced in his words. “You looked beautiful tonight,”
“Thank you,” you had to ignore the feeling of warmth creeping up your cheeks, hoping—no—praying the darkness managed to cover it. “How was your date? I don’t see her anywhere,”
Heeseung pulled a face, shoulders stiffening at the mention of his night, which gave the clear impression that it didn’t turn out well. “She’s … I don’t know. I didn’t click with her, unfortunately. I don’t think she was interested either, honestly. We went our own ways after, that’s it,”
“Oh, Heeseung,” you winced, making a face that screamed ‘yikes’, causing him to click his tongue in annoyance.
“Don’t start the pity party, it was mutual,” he reached for your arm, pulling you to walk with him, starting your journey back to the apartment. You couldn’t explain it, but the usual route back home became more comforting with him by your side. “I think I might lay off the whole dating thing for a while and focus on work,”
“When was the last time you got laid?”
Heeseung turned to look at you with his mouth hung open midway, partially offended but also shocked at the fact that you dared to ask a question knowing it targeted his already weakened pride. This wasn’t the type of topic the two of you would shy away from, the years of being friends amounted to many awkward instances that trained either of you to turn insensitive to things others would view as taboos in friendships consisting of opposite genders.
You raised an eyebrow, prodding him to answer your question. He rolled his eyes dramatically, exhaling a long, exhausted sigh. All this and he would call you the ‘drama queen’. “Almost three months ago,”
“A-ha! No wonder you said that,” you pointed an accusatory finger at him, nearly cackling in his face. “Men who say they ‘give up’ on dating are usually the ones that are fumbling their chances with a girl time after time. Is that not you?”
“Ouch?” he placed a hand on his chest, mocking a bullet to his heart, feigning a devastated frown to earn pity points from you. Spoiler alert, it failed, because all you could do was laugh at him, ticking him off further. “It’s not my fault I can’t click with anyone. They’re not …” Heeseung bit his tongue at the realisation of almost completing his sentence with ‘you’, the word coming to him in an instinct he didn’t bother to question. Shaking the thought away, he decided to omit it, burying it down in the pits of his abdomen. “They’re not the kind of people that share the same values as I do, you know?”
“I know,” you nodded slowly, wearing a small smile, somewhat relating to him on various levels. The date with Mark being a sinking ship was clear evidence. “I’m not having any luck in that department either. Look at us tonight,” you met his eyes, sharing a mutual understanding, one that neither of you needed to communicate, resulting in a fit of laughter, self-deprecating and wildly targeted at yourselves.
“It just means not yet,” by the time he said that, the both of you had already arrived on the doorsteps of your apartments, conveniently across from each other. It sounded close to a promise of the future, the conviction in his voice nearly convinced you. You hummed in response, contemplating his words, quietly pondering if the day where you’d find love would come. Movies depicting New York as the city where love resided gave you a sense of false hope when you got here. Now years later, you were slapped in the face with the reality of its dating pool.
Choosing to move past the topic of love and dating, you decided to bring up a much more relevant question that’s been bugging you since you saw him earlier on. “Are you coming over for breakfast tomorrow? I'm making pancakes,”
“Are they better than Jay’s?”
“Probably not, but I swear I’ll put butter on top instead of whip cream, the way you like it best,”
“You know me too well,”
You smiled. Of course you did. “Goodnight, Heeseung.”
“Goodnight, Y/N.”
Neither of you dared to reach out to hug the other, it was evident that the both of you wanted to, but unexplainably so, you were too afraid to. Maybe it was the sudden switch in the atmosphere that you couldn’t pinpoint accurately. All you knew was that you could feel his gaze linger on you even as you entered your apartment, feeling his warmth in the empty apartment of yours.
“Heeseung was here for breakfast this morning,”
In your shared living room with Yunjin, she happened to be bringing up some minor details of the day to Chaewon. The three of you were getting ready for Jake’s celebratory dinner at a fine dining restaurant uptown. It would only be fair if you got to prepare yourselves together, choosing the best dresses and gossiping about the latest scandal, except it somehow redirected to you.
“And you got home pretty late last night too,” Yunjin pointed a finger at you, two pairs of eyes turned to look at you, expecting at least a pinch of explanation for a link between these two situations. Shrugging, you couldn’t understand what Yunjin was trying to get out of this, or you were pretending not to know where it was going.
“I had a date with Mark, remember?”
“Nuh-uh,” Yunjin chastised, clicking her tongue, and wagging her finger. Chaewon, on the other hand, scratched at her head, closely observing Yunjin’s thorough investigation. “He’s not the one who walked you home. You would always invite your dates in for coffee, but you didn’t last night, so it means the date failed,”
Right, you didn’t need another reminder from Sherlock Holmes telling you that the only date you had in several months ended up in a ditch. “Okay! Yes, my date with Mark didn’t go as planned,” you threw your arms up in surrender, hoping to move on from your misery, thus choosing to come clean against your will. You moved from the kitchen table to fling your body onto the couch, the bottom of your shirt riding up your hip. “I bumped into Heeseung, then we walked home together, that’s all,”
Yunjin and Chaewon exchanged a knowing glance instantly, as if it was on instinct, leaving you completely out of the loop. They got up from their respective positions and joined you on the couch, one on each side, closing in on you with questions written all over their faces. “That’s … all?” Chaewon added, sounding either hopeful or skeptical, a blurry line between the two,
“Yes,” you affirmed, scoffing humorously at your friends’ ridiculous behaviours. “What?” you turned your head from one to the other to give both of them a curious frown, unable to gauge their thoughts. Whatever they were, they weren’t good, nor were they going to make your frown turn upside down.
“Are you wearing Heeseung’s shirt?” Yunjin pointed at the graphic tee you had on, fooling nobody as it obviously was not fitted for you. To dig your grave deeper, your friends believed you weren’t a fan of Star Trek either, hence the shirt with a large print of Spock made no sense. “He came in asking if he left it here,”
“I borrowed it, that’s it,” you presented your point, but Yunjin and Chaewon weren’t pleased. They were nowhere near satisfied, and it seemed they were willing to go lengths just to squeeze an answer or any semblance of information out of you whether you liked it or not. Your friends were crazy. Period. A fact you had known since the beginning.
“What is Heeseung to you, Y/N?” Yunjin propped her elbows on her knees, chin rested on her palms, staring expectantly at you through her eyelashes.
“Huh?” One question from Yunjin suddenly had the power to wipe off every thought from your head, mind as blank as a sheet of paper. If anything, it was panic that set in.
“You heard her, Y/N,” Chaewon nudged you, seeing through your act of ignorance. Obviously she would, she knew you the best when it came to your feelings. “What’s it between you and Heeseung?”
“He’s my friend—my best friend,” you emphasised on ‘friend’ as though it was successfully helping your point. It was a fact either way. Heeseung was your best friend, he has been for the last five years, your first official friend slash neighbour since moving to the city. He was just that, just Heeseung, nothing more.
“Men and women can’t be just friends,” Yunjin argued, supported by Chaewon who was nodding fervently next to you.
“You know you’re friends with men too, right?” you squinted at her doubtfully, her idea completely defeated the purpose of your own friendgroup.
“I know, we’ve already gone through it,” Yunjin nodded over to Chaewon, her nodding becoming more pronounced, a hushed ‘yeah’ escaped her breath, filled with partial guilt.
“Excuse me?”
“Alright, maybe Chaewon and I had some … past encounters with Jay and Jake, but none of them turned into anything. Oh, God forbid,” Yunjin brushed past your stunned silence, not batting an eye at your face frozen in shock, such information being exchanged before a dinner with said friends wasn’t good for your wellbeing. “It proves my point. Even if nobody says it outwardly, it’s a known fact,”
“There are platonic friendships,” you argued, knowing it was weak, and you were also losing. However, you were standing firm that you and Heeseung were nothing more than friends, close, good friends that understood each other well. That’s it.
“Explain ‘When Harry Met Sally’,” Chaewon was actually using one of your favourite rom-coms against you, you couldn’t believe it, this was total betrayal. How could a movie with Meg Ryan and Billy Crystal be a reflection of your life? That’s far-fetched. “They didn’t like each other at first, but they eventually became friends, then realised they loved each other—not platonically,”
“Come on, that’s a movie,”
“It’s an example for your case,” Yunjin poked your shoulder, tilting her head to one side, presenting her puppy eyes to you. Unfortunately for her, you weren’t letting yourself get convinced by their crazy theories and philosophies. Standing up from the couch, you put your foot down—quite literally so.
“Guys, Heeseung and I will never be more than just friends, that’s crazy. I’m sure the others don’t share the same ideas as you two,” your laugh gradually died down when you saw the looks on their faces, telling you that your two other friends did think you and Heeseung could cross the lines of friendship. “Nevermind. Still, it’s impossible. He’s never once given me signs that he likes me that way,”
“I’d like to disagree,” Yunjin raised her hand, Chaewon following suit.
“Me too,”
You chose to dismiss them, clapping your hands together, staring down at them with your lips pressed tightly together. “Agree to disagree. And I’ll move on. My point is, we’re friends, end of story. There’s no way it’ll happen. Ever,”
“This is going to end up biting you in your ass, Y/N,” Yunjin seemed a bit more serious this time, genuine concern laced in her tone, the crinkles in between her eyebrows showed her thoughts without verbally expressing them.
“Not if nothing happens and everything stays the same. I’ll come out unscathed,” you sounded determined, though your heart and mind were the complete opposite, but you ignored them for now, uncertain how long you could continue to do so. “I’ll prove it to you that we’re just friends,”
“How?” Chaewon shared the same doubts as you did, except you were much better at hiding them.
“You’ll see,”
Coincidences were frightening. At that moment, there came a series of knocks on your door that you recognised in a matter of seconds. Your neighbours, Heeseung and Jay, were ready to leave for the scheduled dinner. They seemed to know when and how to make their presence known as usual. It would be believable if someone told you they’ve been listening behind the door all along, but you figured that’d be your nightmare that night instead of it being reality.
“Are you guys ready?”
Exchanging frantic glances, the three of you burst out laughing at the so-called ‘divine timing’. You were quick to shush them in order to lower any suspicions from the other end. Giggles were hard to stifle completely, most of which stemmed from your two giddy friends. You picked up your clutch from the coffee table, ready to run to your room to change. The other two hopped off the couch to make finishing touches to their makeup.
“Be there in a few minutes!”
Trying to ignore your friends’ claims of you and your guy best friend potentially being a thing wasn’t easy, not when he was seated next to you throughout dinner.
God damn it.
“…and that is how I secured the job. I still can’t believe it,” Jake finished his lengthy story, explaining the entire process that got him his new position at NYU. A few glasses of wine in, every one of you were far from being completely sober. Well, that was excluding Jake and Heeseung, the default duo that avoided drinking and had the responsibility of looking over the group.
“So, what’s your lesson plan?” Chaewon chewed on her piece of french fries obnoxiously, showing actual curiosity about his job while Jay and Yunjin were engrossed in refilling each others’ cups with more wine. That left you and Heeseung to yourselves, both of you had already disassociated from the earlier conversation (sorry, Jake).
“Are you okay?” Heeseung looked over at you, noting your unusual silence since the start of dinner. Normally, you would be grateful for how observant he was, that he wouldn’t miss a single chance to check in on you if he noticed something was off. This time, however, he was the last person you wished to be conversing with.
“Peachy,” you raised your wine glass at him before drinking a sip out of it, eyes widening just a fraction behind the glass. Yunjin and Chaewon truly set you up for failure by dropping a bomb on you. Now, you’re stuck trying to be normal around Heeseung with a different perspective compared to hours ago. “Just thinking,”
“About?”
You. Lee Heeseung. Honesty wasn’t always the best policy, thus you blurted out the second thing you had in mind. “‘When Harry Met Sally’,”
Heeseung blinked for a few beats, realisation gradually setting in, a breathy chuckle left his lips. He shook his head in disbelief, not understanding your craze around that movie. What did he know about the superiority of friends to lovers trope anyway? “Don’t tell me you’re on your—what—tenth rewatch?”
“It’s my twelfth, actually,” you corrected sharply, holding a finger up. You took another bigger gulp of wine when Jay filled your cup, both him and Yunjin were on the way to getting drunk from finishing nearly the entire bottom themselves. “The best romance movie made of all time, period,”
“Over ‘Grease’? ‘The Princess Bride’? Oh, ‘Dirty Dancing’? Those are our favourites,” Heeseung gasped, sounding betrayed by your choice of romance movies. You didn’t miss the hidden detail where he stressed on the movies he listed were ‘our’ favourites. Not ‘mine’, but ‘our’, as in you and I. God, you wished you were less aware of every tiny aspect about what he said or did.
“You’re only saying that because I made you watch ‘When Harry Met Sally’ ten times out of my twelve rewatches, and you’re sick of it,”
“I am sick of it,”
“But if I invited you over for the thirteenth rewatch as a movie night, you’d come, wouldn’t you?” you leaned closer to him, wearing a cheeky smile to tease him even more. He gave you one of his classic eye rolls, trying to come off as annoyed only for the grin on his lips to sell him out.
“Of course I would, you know that,” he flicked your forehead softly, pulling a humorous laugh from you. You’ve always been easily amused by him. Heeseung kept his gaze on you, hiding his smile with his glass of water which he was drinking out of.
“Y/N!” Jay semi-shouted from across the table, getting many shushes from your friends, yet his tipsy state meant he was extra shameless, so he continued to wave at you. “Let me pour you another glass!”
You slid him your almost empty wine glass, watching him pour you an obscene amount of wine. What didn’t help was you meeting Yunjin’s eyes, and you could clearly read the message she was trying to convey with a single raise of her eyebrows, alongside the slight nod to the person next to you. You had a feeling she was keeping a close watch on you the whole night.
Taking your glass back, you stared at it with an expression that could only be described as dreadful delight. Sure, you were more than happy to indulge in expensive Italian wine, but the thought of the aftermath usually pained you more than the initial pleasure. After all, you would admit being a lightweight contrary to the constant denials that you were not one. Your drinking records and history would betray you immensely.
“If you can’t drink that much, I can help,” Heeseung, your knight in shining armour, butted in to lend you a helping hand. But it wasn’t his first day knowing you. You weren’t someone who would go down without a fight. He had to learn it the hard way in the past, so if he were to give a stance on this, he chose to step away from stopping you.
“I can handle it,”
“Are you sure?”
“I’m very sure, don’t worry.”
Turns out, you couldn’t handle it, and your assurance was for nothing. The restaurant probably hated you and your friends for stumbling out, slurring incoherently, only two out of the six were visibly sober, bearing the burden to carry all of the others away from the place and into two separate cabs. The usual plan was enforced. Jake would bring Chaewon home, while Heeseung had to deal with dumb, dumber, and dumbest.
Don’t even get Heeseung started on how he managed to get the three of you up the flight of stairs in the apartment building. It was a miracle all of you were just heavily tipsy, and not full on drunk, that would be a tale for another day. He made sure Jay got into their apartment before escorting you and Yunjin back to yours. Yunjin muttered a grateful ‘thanks’ to him then disappeared into her room, which meant it was you and Heeseung together again. Alone.
“I had a fun night,” you twirled around in his arms, breaking into a song out of nowhere, the alcohol in your system visibly getting to you. The lyrics of your favourite ABBA song was being jumbled up in your mouth, Heeseung doing his utmost best to correct you as he stifled his laughter. “We should have another dinner party,”
“We will. Once everyone is sober,” he had his hand on your back, guiding you towards the couch, placing a bunch of pillows behind you. His patience was commendable. You settled into your seat, appreciating the warmth coming from his side, his shoulder pressed against yours. The comfort of his presence resembled a warm hug on a rainy day, enveloping you in constant assurance. It was something that could never get old. You leaned your head on his shoulder, snuggling closer to him.
“Remember our first trip to the beach?” You reminisced about the time when you and the others packed up for the weekend to head to the beach, courtesy of Chaewon’s aunt allowing every one of you to stay at her beach house. That trip alone was a key factor to your long lasting friendship, witnessing the highs and lows of your friends while they also watched yours, and that was barely an exaggeration.
Heeseung nodded slowly, curious to where your babbling was going. “What about it?”
“I still think about us on the beach—I meant the both of us—when we walked on the shoreline, collecting seashells. I think that is one of my favourite memories ever,” your eyelids were getting heavy, every word was uttered with whatever power left in you. Heeseung took a peek at you, smiling at your serene state.
“It’s one of mine too. I remember all the sunsets and sunrises there. It was beautiful … unforgettable,” Heeseung could go on and on about that weekend spent there, it was the first trip you and your friends took as a group, one of the most chaotic trips as well. But it also happened to be the time where Heeseung realised he viewed you differently from the rest. “I still have the picture I took of you and the sunset,”
You were partly clear-headed at that moment, stunned by the memory he brought up out of the blue. He had never once forgotten about it, neither did you. Most importantly, it was how he said it which made your heart experience sensations you hadn’t felt in a long time. This was Heeseung, your Heeseung, a friend and a brother figure, there shouldn’t be anything more than that, should it? “And I have the seashells we collected together,”
Heeseung’s expressions softened, his lips twisted into a smile full of nostalgia, recalling the memory fondly as if it had just happened a few weekends ago. If he closed his eyes tightly for a minute, he may be transported back to then. The sound of the sea waves, the smell of the salty breeze, your laughter taking space in his mind. He was grateful his face wasn’t fully in view for you to see in case his eyes turned against him. He might’ve been silent, but his gaze spoke for him. Longing and missing the absence of the burden of carrying his heavy feelings.
“Heeseung,” you called out his name, breaking the thick silence, startling him awake from his trance-like state. He twisted his neck slowly to look at you, inspecting you closely in search of any troubles. Your stoic face seemed to not give anything away.
“Hm?”
“I think I need to puke,”
The calmness behind that statement managed to evoke sheer alarm in Heeseung. He was about to jolt out of his seat when he remembered you were leaning on him. As gentle as he could, he removed your head from his shoulder, pulling you up from the couch with him, holding onto you carefully.
“Let’s do that in the bathroom, shall we?”
“I don’t think I’m drinking again, Hee,”
“You say that every time you drink,”
The urge to release all your discomfort came rushing when you regurgitated the night’s contents into the toilet bowl. You were kneeling on your bathroom floor, bent over the toilet bowl, puking in intervals, looking absolutely pathetic, all while Heeseung held onto your hair. He never complained, treating it as another night stuck with a drunk you. Now that you were much more stable than before without nausea knocking on your door little by little, you were stuck on the thought of whether your puking episode was induced by the alcohol or Heeseung as a whole.
Holding onto that thought in mind, you collapsed onto the ground from fatigue, sitting slouched against your bathroom walls, feeling ten times lighter and a million times better. Heeseung knelt before you, holding onto either side of your head as it kept lolling back. Sleep was evidently getting close to you, the fluttering of your eyelids revealed your tiredness without a doubt. You forced your eyes open, instantly staring into his, a gleeful smile involuntarily appearing on your face. If Yunjin and Chaewon saw you then, you would be a goner, your attempt to prove them wrong would be redundant.
“Why are you so good to me?”
“I don’t know how not to be. It’s easy when it’s you,” Heeseung gently pressed your cheeks together, chuckling under his breath at your mildly irritated expression. He probably thought it was due to him playfully teasing you by squeezing your face, but in actuality, you were bothered by his words, how he said them without any hesitance as though it was second nature. None of it was as casual as he made it out to be.
Heeseung’s eyes flickered, gradually recognising what had actually left his lips as it slowly settled in, causing him to clear his throat, swallowing thickly. “Because that’s what friends do,”
The changes in your microexpressions were swift, face falling with a frown etching itself into your skin, all of which were barely noticeable if not scrutinized upon, but knowing Heeseung, you had a feeling he might’ve caught onto it at first glance. You couldn’t explain the disappointment burning into your bones once you registered what he said, the cut only went deeper knowing it came personally from him, not the voices screaming in the back of your mind. Shooting you possibly hurts less.
It was what you wanted, wasn’t it? To establish you and him were purely friends and nothing more. That was the whole point of your conviction to your own friends, it would be embarrassing to go back on it. But why were you sorely unhappy when he himself claimed that you and him were friends? Till the point where it was causing you uncontrollable sorrow that you had to push his hands away, using the walls as support to get yourself off the ground.
Severely caught off guard, Heeseung tried to help you in the process of standing up, though it wasn’t much when you got on your own two feet by yourself. Great, you felt the nauseating feeling in the back of your throat returning, only this time, you were certain it was caused by Heeseung. Speaking of Heeseung, you were met with his utterly perplexed yet worried look twisted in his tired face, wordlessly begging for answers that you couldn’t seem to provide.
“It’s getting late, and you’re tired. I can manage,” you opened the bathroom door, exiting through it while still facing Heeseung, hoping you wouldn’t get betrayed by your feet while walking backwards foolishly. “See? I can walk perfectly fine—”
Scratch that.
You spoke too soon. As always. Another step taken backwards, your foot landed in an odd direction, which instantly caused you to lose your balance. Despite his exhaustion after a long night, his senses were constantly on high alert, hand flying out to grab onto your forearm, stopping you from falling back. To make things worse, he yanked onto your arm, pulling you into him without considering your frail state of mind and body, explaining your current position of your hands propped against his shoulder.
“Still clumsy,” Heeseung attempted to break the silence with a lighthearted jab, which may have backfired a little when you continued to be unresponsive, silently staring at him with your mouth slightly ajar. The proximity wasn’t helping your prior mental war with yourself either. The concoction of intoxication and incoming hormone fluctuations were actively going against you as you battled with attraction and horror. You chose to respond to the horrifications created in your mind instead of the other.
“Not a single scratch,” you removed yourself from his hold for another time that night, chuckling nervously, your breath itself was also shaky. Definitely not helping your case. “Thanks again,”
“It’s alright,” no sarcastic comments, no targeted digs at you, no usual Heeseung-like behaviour, it was purely him. Earnest and serious, another side of him that he wasn’t afraid to reveal to you.
“That’s what friends do, right? Saving each others’ asses,” you weren’t in your right mind, it was evident when you said that and proceeded to punch Heeseung lightly on his shoulder to cover up your embarrassment. Heeseung wasn’t entirely thrilled after hearing that. It could be your eyes deceiving you, but you swore there was a flash of solemnness taking over his face at one point. He had the same look as the time he got heartbroken by his cat going missing.
“Right, friends,” he repeated that word with enough sourness to make others think he had issues socialising growing up, giving people the impression that he had an agenda against friends. The air in your apartment was turning stuffy by the minute, it was practically calling for you to force windows open because you were far from breathing properly. He released a sigh under his breath, taking a step to the side, his gaze stuck to his shoes. “I think I should get going now. Wash up and sleep. There’s medicine in your bedside table if you forget,”
“See you in the morning, Hee.” you couldn’t bear to follow him to the door, it was as though your body failed to comply with your mind completely. It was your pair of eyes that went after him, closely watching his every move to the door. He spared you one last look, not even a single smile that he would usually have whenever he’s at the door or at the mention of his nickname. Just like that, he was gone, and you were there staring blankly at your door, heart dropping to your abdomen for reasons you couldn’t come to terms with.
What have you done?
“Does this match the curtains?”
You were standing in the middle of the furniture and home decor section of Bloomingdale’s with Heeseung next to you. It was conveniently a Saturday evening right before a dinner plan at your apartment with your friends, but unlike any other Saturdays, it was your birthday. As a way to celebrate, you decided to treat yourself to new additions to your apartment’s decor, not without Heeseung’s presence though. Truthfully, it was an unconventionally weird way to celebrate yourself, but Heeseung was used to it, rather desensitized if he could argue.
“Realistically, you wouldn’t even display this on the coffee table, so let’s put this down,” Heeseung grabbed the quirky-looking monkey figure from your hand to place it back at its original position. “The duck you got last year is still rotting in your kitchen drawer,”
“Didn’t need to spoil my party,” you pouted, feigning hurt in hopes for Heeseung to take his words back, but he knew you a little too well, seeing through your patterns to ignore them. Instead, he threw an arm around your shoulder, pulling you closer to his side. The sudden physical proximity had turned you frozen under his touch for a split second, eventually easing into it like how you usually would be.
Acting wasn’t your forte. You’ve known that since your first and last musical appearance as tree number four in your middle school play. But lately, you found yourself being an Oscar winning actress pretending like the usual jokes or physical touches weren’t bugging you, hiding how that entire night had been bothering you since he left your apartment. Don’t get you started on your friends. You should win a Golden Globe alongside the Oscar for convincing them nothing special happened, that he sent you home and left right after. Yeah, you wished it transpired in that precise order.
That night was an emotional scar if you would put it one way or another. It was left painfully unanswered like a telephone call, neither you nor him addressed what went down, deciding to brush past whatever it was when you called each other ‘friends’ and that stifling tension between the both of you. Everything you could recall from that particular night became a frightful memory, marking a significant change in the course of your friendship. Although none of you had said anything about it, you were sure he could feel it just as you did. But of course, you chose to stay silent in fear it would affect your friendship with him, and he most likely shared the same sentiment, doing anything just to stay safe.
Basically, it summed up your whole friendship.
“So, how does it feel turning another year older?”
“Feels like shit,” you lamented, the idea of being closer to a mid-life crisis wasn’t exactly tasteful. Growing up, birthdays weren’t your favourite time of the year (truth be told, it was Christmas). Hey, what’s really so fascinating about getting older? Cakes, candles, balloons, those looked nicer in movies or parties for your friends rather than at your own party, it didn’t feel the same when it was for you.
“Hey, we got you your favourite cherry cake from that bakery downtown, so don’t get all pessimistic about your big day,” Oh, traditions, you loved them. Since your first year in New York, you’ve always gotten the same cake for your birthday, a cherry cake glazed with chocolate, heaven introduced in your mouth. With that cherry cake and your friends, those were all you needed for your birthday. Maybe also a call from your family.
“You know I get sappy whenever it’s my birthday, I can’t help it,” you innocently shrugged, but he didn’t buy it for a second time, he was aware of your minor disdain for your own birthdays, and he has made it known that he wanted to change that. “You can help if you get me this—” you grabbed a stuffed monkey toy from the display, parading it in front of Heeseung’s face obnoxiously, your shit-eating grin wasn’t supporting your argument. “It’s speaking to me,”
“How many more monkeys do you need in your apartment?”
“I don’t think I have enough,” to be fair, you had one sad and lonely monkey related item currently residing in your kitchen, which was the monkey clock, Marvin, a treasured item you named after Marvin the Martian from the Looney Tunes. Yunjin had maternal instincts towards the wee monkey; she has made it known since it appeared in the apartment. You reckoned it needed a friend in the house. “Marvin needs a companion,”
“Marvin’s mothers should pay more attention to him instead,”
“Or Marvin’s uncle can get him a sibling? Friend, perhaps?” you were pulling out the signature sweet tone you used for convincing someone, holding back a bark of laughter at how he had enough of your measly act. “Please?” you held the monkey plushie at eye-level, covering your face with it while pleading with Heeseung. In his point of view, you were a demon with horns poking out of your head who knew what trouble you were up to exactly, utilizing your strengths of winning him over.
Like a weak bastard that he very much was, he bought you the monkey plushie. He blamed himself for caving into your pleas, knowing damn well he was going to end up complaining to your friends only for them to hit him back with ‘you couldn’t say no to her’ yet again, which always successfully shut him up.
He was a weak-willed man, what can you say? But at the same time, this man also happened to be sly, and succeeded at moving under the radar. As you yapped away to Heeseung about the affordability of groceries, what you thought was a normal walk back to your apartment was actually a hidden plan of Heeseung preparing to bring you to your surprise party at the apartment. That’s right, Lee Heeseung planned a party for you with the help of your friends. And he was not screwing it up.
Coordination was hard to achieve when it came to dealing with your friends, that was another thing Heeseung had to learn the hard way. All that turned to nothing when he saw the smile on your face once the door to your apartment ripped open, revealing your friends, colleagues and some members of your family. Those gleaming eyes of yours stared right at him, emotions swirling within them, almost in denial that everyone you loved was there for you. It didn’t take you more than a second to know he was the one behind this, you just knew, which only choked you up further when you wrapped your arms around him, heart swelling in your chest.
“Thank you.” You whispered into his ears, arms tightening around him a little more. He said nothing, rubbing his palm on your back, a soft kiss lingered similar to a ghost on the top of your head. Soon, you pulled away, his hands on your waist stayed for a beat longer, almost in a desperate attempt to hold onto you a bit more. Your touch then left as quick as it came, imprinting into his memory like an addiction that was hard to overcome. He watched as you left his side to greet the guests and thank your other friends, a slight smile resting on his lips, feeling as though you were so close yet so far.
You surrounded yourselves with your friends, doing anything but acknowledging Heeseung’s gaze from across the room, convincing yourself that it meant nothing more than what it seemed. There were a few instances where you met his eyes, exchanging brief smiles, pretending that either one of you weren’t already looking at the other in the first place. At the end of the day, you and him were friends, just friends, nothing more, or that was what you said to yourself as a reminder, especially when your heart picked up a few paces quicker around him.
‘Grateful’ wasn’t close to describing how you felt that night. Good food, great companies, amazing cake, a rich collection of gifts, maybe turning another year older wasn’t as frightening as you thought it was. By the end of the evening, with all the guests gone, your friends leaving one by one, Yunjin calling an early night, you took it upon yourself to clean the apartment up, under the condition where Heeseung would lend you a helping hand.
“I still can’t believe you were the mastermind behind all this,” you expressed your surprise that never went away since the start of the party, throwing the cloth down as you finished wiping the countertop, the last part of your strategic cleaning plan. Joining Heeseung on the couch, resting your feet on top of the coffee table, you let out a breath of relief when you relaxed your body into the soft material.
“You have that little faith in me?” he turned to give you a small frown, extracting a breathy chuckle from you.
“Heeseung, you can’t even plan a trip to the dentist,”
“Ouch?”
You grinned, keeping your eyes on him a minute more before you spoke again, letting the peaceful silence calm the crashing waves in the midst of this storm. His gaze never wandered astray, focusing on you and solely you, the intensity of it nearly got you shifting uneasily in your seat. “Thanks for tonight, Hee, I mean it. You made it less scary to turn older,”
“I’m glad then,” there was a visible sign of relief flushing across his entire body, the time he spent planning hadn’t gone to waste. Everything had indeed worked out according to his favour, and getting to see you smile so widely during the cutting of your cake was the best part of it.
“I still haven’t got my present from you,”
“I know. I was hoping you’d ask me to stay,”
“You know I’ll always ask you to stay,”
One thing you didn’t manage to fathom then was the weight of your words and the consequences they carried. It might’ve been said carelessly and casually, but you meant it—deeply. A fraction of Heeseung’s smile faltered, an equal amount of realisation dawning on him, which was eventually deflected by resorting to a swift grab of your present from under the coffee table. A small box was presented to you in the palm of his hands, a red ribbon tied around it with a handwritten birthday card. His scribbly handwriting was distinct, you recognised it at once.
“Open it,” he egged you on, anticipating your reaction, an excited glint to his irises that sparked your curiosity. You shushed him for urging you, then settled into your own pace by unknotting the ribbon and opening the box slowly, your own expectations getting to you. Luckily, you were far from disappointed. On the contrary, you were taken aback from his choice of gift.
The content of the box revealed itself to be a gleaming silver chain with a small heart pendant. To others, it might seem like a typical birthday present, but you knew better. It wasn’t any ordinary necklace, you recognised it in a heartbeat, it was the one on display that you stopped to stare when you waited for Heeseung. You thought he hadn’t noticed that day, the two of you embarked on your walk as though you weren’t staring at the necklace through the shop window for at least five minutes.
“Really?” you gasped, eyes flitting between him and the necklace in your hands, wondering whether it was truly in your possession. You didn’t know which surprised you more, getting a piece of jewellery that you dreamt of or Heeseung paying attention to every minor detail when it came to you. You set the box down, pulling him into a hug without thinking twice. “You knew,”
“I saw you that day. You were looming around the window, staring at that particular necklace. I had a feeling you wouldn’t get it after you pretended not to care when I showed up,” you chuckled mainly out of embarrassment at how Heeseung read you to filth. That’s what you get for having a best friend. “I went back the next day and bought it. Thought it was out of a whim, I didn’t know how or when to give it to you, so I saved it for your birthday,”
He bought it with you in mind the entire time. One thing’s certain, you were touched, and very much emotional. He had successfully gotten you in your feels, but also simultaneously confused. Was this something friends do, you thought to yourself. You pulled away from him, arms still wrapped around his neck, the intimacy in this wasn’t expressed, but it was certainly felt and understood between you and him. “Thank you,”
“You’re welcome. I hope you like it,”
“I love it.” It wasn’t an extravagant piece, it was just right, something that screamed ‘you’. You were scared to pick it up and take it out of the box, admiring it just as you did at that shop window. Like always, Heeseung noticed every little shift in your demeanor, sensing your hesitance at once. He took the box from your hold, removing the delicate necklace from its position. One lift of his eyebrows conveyed an adequate message for you to turn around, sweeping your hair to the other shoulder, unintentionally holding your breath while you waited.
The cold chain sent small chills all over your body when it touched your skin, the sensation soon overpowered by the feeling of his fingers grazing against the back of neck as he fiddled with the clasp. His lackluster attempt was painful to endure, you had to grit your teeth while pretending it wasn’t bothering you, that none of this meant anything beyond the lines of friendship. That his act of buying you the necklace and putting it on you weren’t something for you to read into.
Suddenly, the heart pendant hanging on the necklace weighed heavier around your neck. While you tossed around in bed, all you could think of was Heeseung and the emotions stirred internally whenever you were around him, most of which you pushed down and prayed against. What more was needed for you to listen to your heart when he quite literally gave you his heart first? That necklace was him blatantly handing you his fragile heart, and you were cursed with the responsibility of carrying it with you all the time.
“You’re kidding me,”
Nothing was more comforting than a warm cup of coffee at your favourite coffee house the morning after. Then again, your peace was routinely ruined by your two preying best friends. Yunjin and Chaewon never wasted a second more to square down on you and attack like a hawk, edging you to the side of the sofa as you held onto your mug out of fear.
“He got you the necklace you’ve been eyeing for months,” Yunjin was eye-levelled with the necklace sitting on your chest, in between gawking and shocked, mostly unable to comprehend the layers of this situation. “And you never told him. He just did it because he wanted to,”
“I’m sick of the two of you circling each other!” Chaewon groaned, punching the pillows with pure frustration that wasn’t fueled by caffeine, gaining several customers’ attention. Her tiredness regarding this topic about you and Heeseung was equally shared by Yunjin, both girls stared at you with an unmistakable question splattered over their faces: ‘what are you going to do now?’
“We’re not. It’s nothing,” you muttered into your cup of coffee, avoiding every confrontation as though it were a plague chasing you. Each time you did so, you started to realise the walls were getting brittle and breaking down, that you could no longer say you and Heeseung were nothing with full confidence. Because frankly, you were beginning to doubt even yourself.
“If you’re really not into Heeseung, then prove it. Go on a double date,” Yunjin officially stood her ground, beyond being annoyed with her two best friends that were so obviously in love with each other till the point where it got suffocating, and everyone around them knew except for themselves. How did Cupid handle the stress of setting people up when she couldn’t bear seeing her two stupidly in love friends? Yunjin seriously considered if this would be worth it, but once her mind strayed to the thought of a wedding, she figured it might be.
“Where are you getting a double date for us anyway? Besides, it’s not going to work. We had double dates before, and I felt nothing seeing him with somebody else,”
“That was the past. We’re talking about now, Y/N. You can fool yourself by thinking you feel nothing for him, but we know better, your heart knows better,” Chaewon added, offering her two cents, earning Yunjin’s nod of approval. You scoffed, finding your friends a little too ridiculous for taking their methods up a notch.
“I already have your and Heeseung’s matches. They’re my friends from work. Jungwon and Wonyoung, remember? You met them at my party last summer,” Yunjin rubbed her hands, reminding you of those evil masterminds, the eager grin only convinced you of her secret plotting. Oh, this was definitely discussed with the rest of your friends without you nor Heeseung’s knowledge. How evil of them.
“I remember,”
“Great! I’ll set a dinner date this Saturday. Seven, at that Italian restaurant we always go to. How’s that?” Yunjin clapped, leg shaking out of sheer enthusiasm.
“Sounds good. I’ll show you—all of you—that I have no feelings for Lee Heeseung whatsoever. It’ll be another successful double date, I’m sure.”
Define ‘successful’.
If sitting opposite to Heeseung and his date who were overly engrossed with each other and being stuck with an awkward partner was deemed successful, then you’d consider yourself lucky.
Dinner started off eventful. A typical ice breaker was introduced to get to know one another, discovering everyone clicked pretty well, which tricked you into thinking it’d go well, but it seemed to plummet like a landslide. Jungwon was a nice guy, you’d admit it. Other than a handful of conversations exchanged, there was nothing much to your interactions with him, so you surrendered quickly, admitting to feeling absolutely no spark whatsoever. You figured he got the memo, likely sharing the same sentiment as you did as the two of you ate your respective pasta with a tinge of depression watching the other couple hit it off better in comparison.
“Y/N, how long have you known Heeseung?” Wonyoung was sweet, a princess even, and that wasn’t an exaggeration. You wouldn’t be surprised if Heeseung was actually enamoured with her at first sight. She was the epitome of perfection as a human. Smart and charming, she carried the night’s conversations with ease.
“A few years now, since I moved to New York,”
“So, you guys must be close, huh?”
You paused, hesitation stopping you when you briefly met his eyes, a first after a long time since the night began, realising you hadn’t talked to each other at all. You didn’t address it mentally, but you were sure it was a way of you avoiding him, isolating him unintentionally. Turning your attention back to Wonyoung, you forced a smile. “Yeah, we are,”
“She’s my neighbour, that’s how we first met,” Heeseung chimed in, bringing back a fond memory of yours. The first day you moved to the big city would always be something you held close to your heart. “I offered her a slice of pizza but she thought I was some sleazebag,”
That got a collective laughter from each of you. You shook your head, a faint smile ghosted your lips, reminiscing the moment that felt almost as though it had just happened a day prior. Wonyoung, on the other hand, seemed to be thoroughly amused by Heeseung, giggling a little harder than most while placing a hand on his forearm. “Which place did you get the pizza from? Not the one downtown, right?”
“Oh, no, never. I go to Joe’s Pizza all the time,”
“I love Joe’s! The pepperoni slice is a classic,”
“You get it!”
Pizza has continuously become the bane of your existence. A dough with cheese and some stupid toppings was enough to spark a heated conversation between Heeseung and Wonyoung, entrapping them in their own bubble for another time that night. What an eye sore. Jungwon turned to you, an unmistakable mix of pity and boredom in his face was recognised by you in an instant. Still, like the sweet guy he was, he tried to strike up a conversation.
“What’s your favourite movie?”
Thank God for a question you could have a passionate debate over. You beamed visibly, spine straightened with a thrilled grin, the only and obvious answer sitting on the tip of your tongue. “‘When Harry Met Sally’,”
Jungwon snapped his fingers eagerly, nodding in mutual agreement. At least there was one person who could agree on your choice of movie. “Good choice, Meg Ryan was fantastic in it. One of the best rom-coms of all time,”
You placed a hand on your chest, a little dramatically if you may add. “I appreciate you saying that. I agree,”
“I don’t mean to eavesdrop, but can I add something to this discussion?” Wonyoung interrupted, brushing some hair behind her ear. You held your tongue, fixing a practiced smile as a green light for her to continue. “I don’t understand the craze around that movie, I think there are better rom-coms out there,”
“Finally! Someone understands,” Heeseung laughed, throwing his hands up with a degree of satisfaction knowing there was another person out there who shared his dislike over your favourite movie. This only annoyed you further. Seeing him and Wonyoung getting along better than anticipated had gotten to your nerves initially, but hearing the two of them slander your favourite movie was close to crossing the line. To rub salt into your wound, Heeseung was completely aware about how the movie was your go-to every time. After all, he was there for most of your rewatches, seeing you laugh and cry to your favourite rom-com.
“It has beautiful shots, wonderful acting, amazing actors, an emotional plot, what more can you get?” Jungwon was standing his ground, which you learnt to admire. Now you know who to call for your next rewatch instead of Heeseung.
“I just don’t think best friends can fall in love after twelve years. That’s too long! It’s basically platonic at that point,” Wonyoung argued.
“Best friends can and do fall in love—” you started, finding the words tumbling out of you from sheer agitation, trying to present your point rather impulsively without thinking straight. Your eyes averted to Heeseung, just to discover him already staring at you in the first place, causing your throat to tighten up all of a sudden. “Regardless of time, it just … happens,” you faltered, realisation slowly dawning on you.
Your friends were right. ‘When Harry Met Sally’ was a guide this entire time, leading you to finally recognise your own feelings before it was too late. But you were indeed too late. You’ve wasted your time circling around the truth, afraid of facing it, until you were left to deal with the consequences. Here you were, watching him falling for someone else.
The table fell silent. You looked away from Heeseung, clearing your throat, putting on your millionth uncomfortable smile for the night. Well, you were always known for acting without thinking, or in this case, speaking without thinking, as you didn’t consider the gravity of hinting yourself potentially being in love with your best friend. A normal Saturday dinner, eh?
“How about dessert?”
If you had to go through another double date in the future, you’d rather swear off love than experience something similar again. In the restaurant’s restroom, standing before the mirror, you hoped the contents in your stomach wouldn’t be flushed down the toilet bowl by the end of the night. The thought of you being in love with Heeseung was close to sending you into a shock, coming to terms with it in the middle of dinner reasonably made things worse for you. Was this a sign to move to the countryside?
“You’re really lucky,” Wonyoung’s voice startled you out of your daze, her figure appearing next to you, washing her hands meticulously. That was very on brand of her, you expected no less. “It’s rare to have a friendship like that—you and Heeseung. I can tell that you care about each other a lot,”
“We do,”
“I should be thankful for Yunjin since she set this whole thing up. He’s a really good guy,”
You nodded, swallowing a growing lump in your throat, a prickling sensation growing stronger in your eyes. At that point, you could only utter a string of words, feeling overwhelmed with helplessness. “Yeah, he is. That’s Heeseung.”
Should you be thankful that dinner’s ended and the night was over after a dreadful long wait? You parted ways with Heeseung and Wonyoung, following Jungwon to his car as he insisted on dropping you home. The walk there was suffocating, a couple of small talks scattered here and there, neither one of you had the heart to expand anymore knowing it was leading to nowhere. All you could think of then was what the other couple would be up to. Was he bringing her to his favourite spot? Was he just dropping her off and leaving immediately? Endless possibilities followed by more overthinking.
“You’re in love with him, aren’t you?” Jungwon broke the silence with a question that pierced through you like the sharpest knife. What a conversation starter. You had a feeling he was more than what you assumed him to be. You came to a stop in the middle of the sidewalk, looking at him with an expression that gave off the impression of you being scandalized.
“Is it that obvious?”
“Yes,” there was barely any sugarcoating, he was straight to the point. The truth was deemed to be both beneficial and harmful to you in your weak and fragile state. “I have eyes, Y/N. I can see the way you look at him, and how you look at him when you think nobody’s watching,”
You were caught absolutely red handed, a big flashy spotlight pointed on you, telling the world that you’re fully guilty of being in love with your best friend. If a date that you’ve known for a few hours could see right through you, you couldn’t imagine what your friends had to deal with. Now you felt apologetic to them. “I guess I am,” you had nowhere to hide, what could you lose by being transparent with your date? “But I think I lost him,”
“If there’s one thing ‘When Harry Met Sally’ proved, it’s that you’re never too late,” Jungwon patted your arm in weak reassurance. “Or you can wait another ten years,”
You swatted at his hand, snorting lightheartedly. Rolling your eyes, you started walking again, letting him catch up to you.
“Oh, shut it. Drive me home.”
Was it bad to admit that you’ve been praying for the downfall of Heeseung’s relationship with Wonyoung? Apparently some DIY spell you got from Chaewon’s witch friend failed horrendously when the both of them showed up to dinner hosted by Yunjin at your own apartment. Maybe it was the one ingredient you swapped out that caused this.
This was the first time Heeseung brought her over. None of you had expected this. After your horrendous double date experience, Heeseung made it known that he was seeing her further, but no labels were established for now. You’ve been keeping your distance from him, convincing yourself you shouldn’t be close to a guy friend that had a potential girlfriend out of respect. However, deep down, you knew the truth that it was only because you wanted to avoid getting hurt less.
“What do you think about Wonyoung?” you whispered to Yunjin as you helped her prepare the dishes in the kitchen. Jake, Jay and Chaewon were loitering in the living room with the couple, overly invested in Wonyoung’s stories. It was the first time you had some privacy since the two of them arrived. She was introduced to the others, sparking a conversation soon after, successfully charming them as a result. It was no question she had won them over in a snap of a finger.
“I think she’s great. Really funny and smart,” Yunjin was focused on assembling the lasagna to commit to a sudden discussion about her work friend, her hands were full with bolognese sauce and bechamel, she didn’t have more space for your feelings. “There’s a reason why I set her up with Heeseung, I thought they’d be a match, and I was right. Sorry about Jungwon though, he’s not usually that shy,”
“I figured,” you mumbled, recalling the journey back home consisted of him explaining to you how he didn’t want a relationship since he had freshly broken up with his girlfriend. What was the luck between you and men that weren’t over their exes? At least he bought you some ice cream on the way home, and also accepted your invite to a ‘When Harry Met Sally’ movie night. A new friend gained wasn’t a complete loss. “But seriously, what do you think of them together?”
“I think … it’s alright? Gosh, I don’t know, Y/N. It’s too early to know, I can’t tell if they will or will not work out,” Yunjin gave a truthful answer to your question, but it wasn’t one that you wanted. She narrowed her eyes at you with a tinge of suspicion. “Why?”
“It’s nothing,”
“Don’t start, Y/N,” Yunjin sighed, walking over to the sink to wash the mess on her hands, in preparation to deal with your mess. She popped the lasagna into the oven, a hand propped on her hip, staring at you with an unhappy frown. “You told me nothing happened that night. You said you didn’t want to talk about it. So, why now?”
“Because I realised I am in love with him,”
“Oh,” Yunjin exhaled, blinking robotically at you, losing her grip on her hip. Stunned might be an understatement, a total opposite of a reaction you’d expected from her. Horrified would probably be a better description of how she looked gawking at you, nothing seemed to come from her mouth. “When? When … did you realise?”
“That night at the restaurant. I suppose you’re right all along,” your revelation didn’t help Yunjin’s case either, her jaw significantly dropping more. She hand flew to her temples, rubbing them with creases deepening between her eyebrows. “I thought I was fine, but when I saw him with her, I … felt it in my heart for the first time. Heartbreak. Your plan worked,”
“I didn’t mean to—”
“I know, Jen, I’m not putting the blame on anybody. It’s my fault. Just mine,” you rested your back against the wall, your hand hidden behind your back as it twisted into a fist. “Don’t worry, I’m not going to do anything. If Heeseung’s happy now, it’s fine. You know how unlucky he is with dates,”
The initial frustration worn off entirely, soon replaced with sadness in Yunjin’s eyes, her face slackened, shoulders sagging. She slowly approached you, arms extending towards you. “Y/N—”
You caught onto them, giving her your best smile, thinking it could assure her, but you had a feeling it turned out slanted and half-hearted. On your best days, you could be an award winning actress for pretending you weren’t hurt. This wasn’t one of those days, unfortunately. “Let’s start dinner.”
Lasagna couldn’t cheer you up. Neither could Yunjin’s signature pasta pull a decent smile from you. You blended into the background throughout dinner, offering nothing but several chuckles and nods, keeping your eyes away from your source of demise. There were a few occasions where you felt his eyes lingering on you, it didn’t help that they lasted for more than an appropriate amount of time, pleading for you to respond to him in any way possible. Resisting him was hard.
Safe to say, you survived dinner and the dessert after. You owed it to the many rounds of red wine from the bottle Jake brought. Heeseung left the apartment with Wonyoung to walk her down to her cab, which left the apartment to you and your friends to tidy while also discussing whatever’s gathered in everyone’s minds for the entirety of the night. It was a common debriefing ritual you and your friends had once a new partner was introduced.
“Wonyoung’s amazing,” Jay shared, starting the discussion as he picked up the plates to hand them to Yunjin.
“Are you saying that because you actually think so or it’s because she’s pretty?” Chaewon pointed the dishwand accusingly at Jay, soap flowing down the handle.
“Do you really think I’m that shallow—nevermind, don’t answer that,” he stopped her at the moment she opened her mouth to retort, realising he was never a match for her and her quippishness. “Still, I think she’s wonderful. She can mimic a bird’s cry. How fun is that?”
The others let out a chorus of agreement. Yunjin, in particular, glanced at you warily, visibly distressed and worried about both your mental and physical states. You said nothing, continuing with your task of storing the dishes, which you held back from smashing. Note to self, you needed a better outlet for getting rid of pent up emotions.
“Y/N, are you okay? You’ve been very distant since the start of dinner,” Jake took the plate from your hand to store it on your behalf. He closed the cupboard door, pulled your hand to lead you away and sat you on the couch. You weren’t surprised Jake had caught onto you from the get-go. He was always smart, even emotionally. The rest of your friends soon swarmed the area, waiting for you to pour out your anguish.
“I’m not feeling well, that’s all,” you were running away yet again. Scared, terrified to go anywhere near being vulnerable in front of your closest friends, stripped bare to admit you were in love with one of them while hoping it wouldn’t change anything.
“Y/N,” Yunjin’s tone was hard, stern almost, with a tinge of disappointment as though she couldn’t believe you were trying to escape from your own feelings, something everyone there was familiar with. Your name was spewed out in a way where she was begging you to face the very thing you avoided till you were forced to face. To your dismay, this puts you on the spot with many eyes staring at you in confusion.
“Fine,” that was a response directed to Yunjin, you had your eyes locked with hers before scanning the circle created around you. Each of them were waiting for your next word. It was either this or letting the truth eat you alive. “I’m in love with Heeseung,”
What was expected to be an explosive reaction turned out to be … nothing? Jay, Jake and Chaewon all looked at one another, exchanging glances with Yunjin as well, then every one of their heads spun to focus on you. It felt like there were stage lights shining on you, your friends being the audience, and you, maybe a clown. The seconds stretched on for what seemed like forever as silence ensued.
“We know,” Jay broke the stiff atmosphere. You—mildly confused, whereas understanding and relief washed over your friends. They started laughing, rejoicing and high-fiving each other. If you didn’t know better, you would’ve assumed they won a price instead.
“Should I be shocked that you guys were in on this the whole time?”
“Yunjin and I already told you, didn’t we? We’ve all been waiting for one of you to break,” Chaewon clapped gleefully, her voice going another pitch higher from pure excitement.
“And it had to be me,” you mumbled, the thought of your feelings potentially being one sided was soul crushing. After your friends convinced you that it was mutual, your expectations were sky high, and you were not ready for them to be crushed.
“Heeseung will come around,” Jake threw out a futile assurance. You winced at that, giving him a display of your pained frown.
“He’s seeing someone now—Wonyoung, who you all love. I can’t ruin that, you guys know that,”
“We do,” Yunjin moved from her position to sit next to you, laying her head on your shoulder. You held onto her arm, squeezing it for a silent ‘thank you’ for the times she stuck by you. “No matter what happens, we’ll be here for you,”
There came another chorus of shared support from your friends who huddled around you. Their energy had given you a shred of hope, bringing a smile to your face for the first time in a while that night, a little more positive that nothing would completely change in the dynamics of your friend group. That was once proven as per Yunjin and Chaewon with their confessions of messing around with the other two men in the group.
“Wait,” Jake stood up, interrupting the current emotional mood. The room fell into another round of silence. “I hate to ruin our little moment, but I think Heeseung’s coming,”
The mention of his name caused every one of them to turn to you, panic arising almost in an instant. You could only stare back, downfounded and powerless. It’s not like they could expect you to profess your love to Heeseung just because you disclosed it to them. “What do I do?”
“Talk to him,” Yunjin suggested the obvious solution, not that it helped or made it any better.
“But I’ve been avoiding him!” you forgot about that part, guilt began to crawl into your system at the memories of you evidently dodging him. Everything that went down with the date gave you the heebie-jeebies, how you shunned him, and dropped a lowkey hint of being in love with your best friend, a.k.a., him! It would be impossible for him to not realise your absence. He’s good at catching onto tiny details.
“That’s our cue to leave you and him alone. Just talk! You always talked to him. It’s Heeseung, just Heeseung,” that’s the problem. It’s Heeseung, your best friend. It’s not an everyday activity for someone to come to the conclusion of liking their best friend romantically and profess their love for them.
Chaewon ushered the others to get to their feet, pushing them towards Yunjin’s room as a site of hideout now that it was too late for them to leave. You couldn’t tell if you were hearing the sound of Heeseung’s footsteps approaching or if you were mistaking it for your own heartbeat thundering in your ears. The noises of keys jangling and the door unlocking that followed after were unmistakable.
“Shit, he’s here,” that was what you last heard from Chaewon before she shoved Jay and his nosy-self into the room, slamming the door shut just in time for Heeseung to enter the threshold. He stopped at the sight of you in the middle of an empty apartment, looking at you with a sense of disbelief that it was truly you who was standing in front of him.
“Hi,” you said quietly, arms sticking close to your sides, afraid of moving or taking a step forward. Heeseung placed his keys on the counter, but stayed in his original position by the door.
“Hey,” he began, still not closing the space between you and him. When did it become this awkward to be around him? You felt like an alien who newly landed on Earth, interacting with the first human you came across, the situation was that extreme. It was easy for you to be around Heeseung, but you couldn’t say the same this time. “Where are the others?”
“They went over to yours. Jay needed help on something, I don’t know what it is,” you should be awarded for not crumbling under pressure. The lie flew out of your mouth in a natural manner. Heeseung didn’t suspect it, going along with your white lie.
“How was dinner?”
“It was okay,”
“You were quiet the entire time,”
“I’m not feeling well,”
“Sick?”
“Not in the mood,”
Heeseung slipped his hands into the pockets of his pants, nodding his head silently, lips pressed tightly together. He wasn’t letting any of his reactions show, purposely holding them back. You couldn’t figure out where this was heading, neither did he. “What do you think of Wonyoung?”
There it was. The golden question. You’ve been waiting for it, thinking if you got to steer clear of Heeseung, you’d never have to hear it. Predictions weren’t correct all the time. You knew he would eventually pop the question to you when you’re the only one in the group who has yet to express approval of Wonyoung. It just had to be at this moment.
“She’s alright,”
His nostrils flared, eyebrows twitching out of habit. His patience was wearing thin, the initial annoyance you sensed since he entered the room intensified. “That’s it? That’s all you’ve got to say after weeks of avoiding me? Two word answers?”
“What do you want me to say?”
“The truth!” Heeseung raised his voice, footsteps heavy on the ground as he crossed the room towards you, stopping behind the couch, standing opposite you with it as a barrier in the middle. What his eyes reflected contradicted his anger. Sadness and desperation made up most of them. They searched for yours, seeking for answers and reasons as to why you were acting out of character.
“I don’t think she’s good for you,”
“Why?”
“Just … just because,”
“That’s not an answer, Y/N,”
What other answer could you give that wouldn’t sound like you were the villain in his story trying to break him and his love interest up? Every possible narrative couldn’t and wouldn’t work, not for you anyway.
“I know you,”
“And what do you know about what’s good for me?” Heeseung demanded, the hurt in his voice was evident, punctuating your heart like a stake, beating you down to depths lower than where you already were. “You don’t get to say that,”
“That’s not fair,”
“She’s a good person, Y/N. I think I deserve that at least,”
You swallowed, not expecting the truth to be thrown directly into your face by the person you were scared to hear it from. It was real, your nightmare of losing him due to your mistakes was coming to life right before you, reminding you that you were far too late. “You’re right. You deserve every bit of it, Heeseung,” his name tasted foreign on your tongue, no more nicknames or the hidden love that came with it, just stale integrity. “I wish you nothing but happiness,”
You didn’t try to hide the shakiness in your voice, nor the tears building up that you were doing your best to blink away. The tightness in your throat took away your speech, losing the ability to speak beyond that. You were being selfish, and you were getting punished for that along with your foolishness for your ignorance to your feelings.
“Thank you.” he forced through his teeth with enough finality to know this was the last thing he’d say to you that night. You couldn’t bring yourself to reply, mouth opening for a moment just for nothing to follow through, using most of your willpower to hold your tears back instead. He shook his head, a visible sign of disappointment at you losing the strength to fight for whatever this situation of being more friends but less than lovers was between you and him.
Heeseung took a full look at you for a little longer, his shielded gaze never left your teary one, as though he himself was afraid of letting you go. That was when he knew he had to leave or else he would end up staying like how he always did. He turned his back on you, heading for the door and picking up his copy of the key along the way. There was a few seconds where he stalled at the door, hand on the doorknob, breathing heavily.
Hope wasn’t a powerful tool for you to keep him longer. He was leaving, and there was nothing you could do to stop him, or reverse the pain you’ve caused. Heeseung turned the doorknob and left with the door slamming behind him, leaving you stranded alone to pick up the pieces of your heart. Punching you or hurling insults might’ve hurt less compared to this.
You didn’t register your emotions until the floodgates came pouring down your cheeks, knees becoming weaker as you found yourself losing balance. The entire exchange had wrecked you out of consciousness, unaware of your friends slowly making their way out of Yunjin’s room, listening in on the mess that went down moments ago. The embarrassment doubled, but you were too busy crying to care. You melted into their arms as they surrounded you to console you, and it reminded you of the exact time you cried into their embrace when your first boyfriend in New York broke up with you. Never in a million years you would predict doing the same for one of your best friends.
Almost was never enough. You were a step too late, and a step over the line.
90 days.
That was how long since you’ve last spoken to Heeseung. Back in the day, three hours was the longest gap you went without speaking to him, not three months. Besides the occasional greetings in the hallway or bumping into each other at the coffee shop, neither of you sparked a full conversation. As a result of your fight, it had tremendously affected your friends who became collateral damage in the midst of it. The best way to simplify the dynamic of your friend group at the current moment was them taking turns to hang out with either of you. Pathetic, wasn’t it?
In some sick twisted way to get you out of your slump, Yunjin introduced you to her other, much senior colleague, Jeon Jungkook. If only you weren’t simultaneously so infatuated and heartbroken over your friend, you would’ve had your heart set on him. Unfortunately, that’s not how feelings worked. You were honest about it to Jungkook since your first meeting with him, and being the sweetheart he was, he understood. That didn’t stop you from being friends with him. He was probably the second closest friend you’ve hung out with besides your own friends.
October 31st rolled around, a monumental day for you and your friends who loved the arts of costumes and throwing parties. Yunjin and Chaewon chose to host this year’s Halloween party at your apartment. A special addition to the party was a costume contest, where the winner gets a hundred dollar prize reward. Perhaps Jungkook appeared in your life at the perfect timing.
“Do I have to wear a blond wig for this?” Jungkook held up the wig you got for him reluctantly after he agreed to be the Fred to your Daphne from Scooby Doo.
“It’s too late to go back on your word now,” you tossed him your ginger wig. He wasn’t in on this alone anyway. You left him sulking on the couch to join Yunjin and Chaewon, both of whom were busy preparing in the kitchen.
“Fred and Daphne?” Yunjin laughed at your choice of characters, earning a firm slap on her shoulder from you. You didn’t wrack your brain day and night for nothing, it was a good and safe option to go for in your defense.
“It’s cute. I aim to be the best dressed tonight,”
“Do I have your permission to flirt with your date?” Chaewon slid up next to you, finally daring to ask the question she’s been holding back since forever. You had a feeling she was eyeing him from the moment you confirmed he was just a friend.
“By all means, have a go,”
“Hey, you know Heeseung will be at the party tonight, right? Just a heads up,” Yunjin wasn’t laughing anymore, her tone both serious and solemn. You couldn’t blame her nor your friends for being exhausted of you and Heeseung’s strained friendship, having to adapt to that and a new routine now that you were avoiding each other. “I’m quite sick of this, you know that? You guys are so childish! Instead of saying sorry, you chose to not talk for three months,”
She had a point. You hated that.
“It’s complicated,”
“It’s always been complicated between you and Heeseung. How about this? Make it less complicated and apologise to him first. I still remember you crying and feeling guilty about what went down that night,”
“You didn’t have to call me out directly, I got it,” you grumbled at the memory you cringed at every time Yunjin brought it up as a defence mechanism. Yes, you regretted your behaviour, half remorseful for the things you’ve said, but it wasn’t a common practice for you to apologise first. Whenever you and Heeseung had a fight, it was down to two things: Heeseung apologising first or the both of you sweeping past it. This time, however, both seemed undoable. To muster the courage for you to confront him and apologise, it took time. Maybe a bit too long. “I’ll see what I can do tonight.”
Trying to distract yourself from your anxiety by helping Yunjin and Chaewon serve refreshments dressed in a full Daphne costume was the least effective method to ease stress. With every guest walking past your door, your heart skipped a beat hoping the next one would be him. Your friends’ costumes at the very least got a smile and some laughter out of you. Jay and Jake were dressed as members from the rock band, KISS; Yunjin decided to go all out and paint herself blue as Smurfette, matching blonde wigs with Jungkook; Chaewon, with the assistance of you and Yunjin, stuffed herself into a latex catwoman suit which took almost half-an-hour to get into. It wasn’t a dull Halloween after all.
“Need help?” Jungkook took the platter of refreshments from you, giving you no room to argue. You smiled at him as a wordless ‘thank you’, coming at the right time to save you from any more small talks.
“My Fred in shining armour, or shining blond wig?” you giggled, reaching your hand forward to touch his wig, the coarseness of it proved the reason why it was only three dollars. He swatted at your hand, rolling his eyes at your endless teasing.
“I think I actually look good in it, thank you very much,” he dismissed your snark comment easily, you forgot he had a swollen ego in the first place. He pulled onto your arm, urging you to follow him as he served refreshments on your behalf. “You’re waiting for him, aren’t you?”
“What?”
“Don’t pretend. I see the sadness in your eyes, Y/N,” Jungkook had talents of looking through your bullshit on par with Yunjin. There was no point fighting what was true, you chose to silently nod. “Speak to him tonight, please, for your sake, for his and your friends’ sake. Even for me! You’ve been keeping that apology in you for months, it’s time for you to tell him,”
“Is it really a good time to do so?”
“There’s never a perfect time. It’s now or never. I know it’s been eating you up, Y/N. Do this for yourself,”
You considered Jungkook’s advice deeply. He wasn’t wrong, he never was, it came with his perfect traits. You were quite frankly done with running away, even if you were chasing pavements, an apology wouldn’t hurt to settle the troubles in your heart, it might even help you take another step from the position you were stuck in. You patted his shoulder in earnest appreciation. Jungkook could just cement his place to be your crime solving buddy, or in this context, a problem solving buddy.
“Care for a drink?” Chaewon swept in at the right moment with a couple glasses of homemade martinis. It was your cue to leave, not without one of her signature martini though. You took one last look at your two friends, knowing Chaewon would soon work her magic on an oblivious Jungkook, then you made your way to the balcony, in dire need of some air and time alone.
You listened to the sound of New York traffic, taking small sips from your martini, overlooking the skyline of the city. The part which stings the most was coming to the realisation that you and Heeseung would often occupy this exact spot any time a party was thrown at your apartment. Whenever the space got stuffy and too many guests were present, the two of you would run to the balcony, have a few cigarettes, drink, and talk. You wouldn’t notice the party had ended by the time you and him were done with your hide out. Now, there was another party that you’ve successfully escaped, except he wasn’t beside you like how it was supposed to be.
“Missing trick or treat?”
Your blood nearly ran cold at the voice coming from behind you. One hand holding tightly onto your glass, the other gripping onto the ledge of the balcony in case your legs failed you. You didn’t need to confirm the owner of the voice, having heard it for just about every day for years on end.
“I think I’m too old for that now,” you felt the familiar warmth belonging to the only person you’ve dreaded all night joining your side, a safe distance was still maintained between you and him.
“You’re never too old for anything,”
“Touche,” you looked over at Heeseung, stifling your laughter when you saw his costume. A classic black tuxedo paired with a bow tie around his neck, hair slicked back, a sleek metallic watch around his wrist, a ridiculously looking toy gun as a prop in his hand. You would be lying to yourself if you didn’t admit how handsome he was despite being in costume. “James Bond. You weren’t kidding when you said that’s your costume this year,”
“I was never kidding,”
“I’m guessing Sean Connery’s James Bond?”
“One and only,” he stood up straight to display the excellence of his costume, giving you a playful 180 look just so you could see the entirety of his suit, at last posing with the gun as a cherry on top. It was impossible not to laugh when he’s trying this hard to get into character. “You think Daphne can assist James Bond in solving crimes?”
“I think Daphne’s going to stick to solving mysteries, not track down criminals or assassins,”
“I saw Fred inside. Your date, I assume,”
“My friend,” you corrected consciously, noting the mild hostility when he mentioned Jungkook. You simply couldn’t fathom the idea of Heeseung being threatened by another man.
“You’ve been hanging with him a lot,”
“What is it to you?” you snapped, harsher than you intended to, immediately feeling guilty. You couldn’t shake off the sense that he’s trying to get back at you in some unexplainable way.
“Nothing,” you knew he was lying, seeing him clenching his jaw right after saying that had given him away. Time and time again, he underestimated how well you understood him and his little quirks.
“Where’s your date then, Bond? Where’s the famous Bond girl? ”
Heeseung stared off into the city, a quiet but audible sigh leaving his lips before he said anything. Clearly, there was trouble in paradise. You wanted to take your words back, worried it might’ve crossed another line, but he beat you to it with an answer. “She’s at her place,”
He didn’t expand beyond that simple reasoning, making it much more suspicious than it should be. You didn’t pry, and accepted it with a nod. You assumed she wasn’t a big fan of parties, or at least Halloween, not that you would judge. You let the silence sit longer than it’s supposed to, the traffic in the background filling the gaps in between. It was now or never, before the damage became irreversible.
“I’m sorry for that night. I was out of line. I do think she’s brilliant, and I want you to be happy,” you turned to look at him, but as always, he was already staring at you in the first place. The martini was no help in suppressing your emotions. If anything, it was amplifying them. You could feel tears welling up at the edge of your eyes. “I mean it. I hate that we’re not talking, and I hate the thought of losing you more,”
Heeseung wet his lips, hanging his head, chest rising and falling erratically. He glanced up after a pause, nodding slowly, a tight-lipped smile appearing. “Thank you,” he meant it this time, genuine, but also stiff and restricted. “You’re never going to lose me, Y/N,”
“Truce?”
“Truce,” he drank out of his glass of martini, returning his attention back to the view of the city, but you kept yours on him, not that he mind. “Here we are again, bailing on a party,”
“Some things never change, do they?” you smiled, yet it didn’t reach your eyes entirely, the sadness in your face bled into every part of your body, all of which went unnoticed by Heeseung. Although you were done setting the argument aside, the apology getting accepted didn’t smoothen the roughness to you and Heeseung’s relationship. Some lingering tension still remained unaddressed. You could feel it, you doubted if Heeseung didn’t. “Should we head in? They’re announcing the winners of the contest.”
It wasn’t the right time to talk about it. You didn’t know if there ever was one.
You and Jungkook ended up missing first prize by a large margin, getting just a box of chocolate as a consolation prize. On the bright side, Jay and Jake won the night’s best costume, earning a hundred dollars which you would undoubtedly convince them to spend on you. The night came to an end at around midnight. Even though all of your friends were exhausted, they stayed to clean as usual, cracking open another round of beers as a side reward.
You were too busy sending Jungkook off by the door to realise a pair of eyes staring pointedly at you from a distance. As Heeseung collected the bottles and cups from the living room area, his gaze followed your every movement around Jungkook, a cup nearly fell out of his hand at some point watching you hug him. He walked over to Chaewon, dropping the volume of his voice. “Are they really just friends?”
“If they weren’t ‘just friends’—” Chaewon made a motion with her hands, “would she have allowed me to flirt with him all night?” she blinked blankly at Heeseung, who had furrowed eyebrows that were twitching slightly. “God, you guys are so annoying, and frustratingly stupid. Why must I be subjected to this?” she threw her hands up in defeat, hypothetically waving a white flag in surrender. Sparing him no more chance to speak, she walked away just in time for you to return from your farewell to your beloved Fred.
“What’s up with her?” you mumbled as Chaewon stormed past you, grumbling somewhere along the lines of ‘misunderstandings’ and ‘get together already’. You took the bag filled with trash from Heeseung, handed it to Jay—still in his black and white face paint—for him to throw out. The apartment was mostly clean, lacking a bit of deep cleaning that you’d get to the next day. For now, you were content with your friends’ company and a cold bottle of beer.
“You know, I think I owe you an apology too,” it was only you and Heeseung at the kitchen table, you weren’t expecting another apologetic conversation to happen over some beer, but you didn’t complain. “I shouldn’t have stopped talking to you. I was angry and scared. I’m sorry,” he took a swig of his beer, his other hand was knocking on the wooden table. “And I’m sorry I wasn’t there for your mum’s birthday,”
One sacred secret you and Heeseung kept hidden from your other friends was this. It started with you inviting Heeseung to your hometown for a family event as your plus one. Looking back at it now, it was far more intimate compared to what you made it out to be. Not even every person would bring their partners to meet their family. Your family absolutely loved him, insisting on him to join them for every family occasion there was. Since then, he has been there for most birthdays.
In turn, it would only be fair if you got introduced to his family. Hence, he brought you to meet his family soon after he met yours, continuing on the tradition of joining each others’ family occasions. You were at his parents’ birthdays, and he was there for yours. It was your thing with Heeseung for years until he broke the streak in the months of you not speaking. You still remembered your mother asking for him, just for you to create a lame excuse of him being busy with work, having no courage to tell them the truth.
“You’re forgiven,” you clinked his beer bottle with yours, the sharp sound made the brief quietness which followed after less painful. “I guess we’re both equally at fault here,”
“I guess we are,” he fidgeted with his bottle, never letting his gaze falter from you for a second, as though he was making up for the moments he missed. “Your mum still wants me around, right?”
“Oh please, she was wondering where you were. You’re very missed,”
“I’m glad to hear,”
“And I’m not glad to have stroked your ego,”
You and him burst out laughing, clinking your bottles once more and taking a swift gulp out of it. Both of you sighed together in satisfaction from the taste of cold beer on your tongues, eliciting scattered giggles at that phenomenon. You never realised how much you’ve missed him. Forget about love and your feelings, you missed having him around as a friend. It hurts more deeply than you thought having someone from your everyday life disappear in an instant.
Before you could dwell on such melancholic thoughts, the rest of your friends came flooding around the table, forcing open the fridge to bring more bottles out. You met Yunjin’s eyes, a knowing look on her face told you she was highly aware of you and Heeseung’s ‘little moment’ alone. Of course, you wouldn’t doubt her, she was known to be a surveillance camera that scans through the entire premise. You gave her a nod, and that was a sufficient message for her to understand all was well.
“Who’s ready to drink?”
Yunjin’s definition of a ‘fun Saturday night’ was the complete opposite of what you had in mind.
You had a feeling you were an old woman in your past life for thinking a night in with some pizza, snacks, and board games would satisfy the criteria of a ‘fun Saturday’. However, your friends didn’t share the same idea. That was why you were all dressed up, sitting by the bar counter with no intentions to drink while Yunjin and Chaewon were busy downing shots after shots. Call you a buzz kill, but you weren’t stumbling out drunk. You were happy with your virgin mojito.
“What do you think the boys are doing tonight?” Yunjin was still admirably sober in spite of the amount of alcohol she consumed. She and her high alcohol tolerance should be investigated.
“Watching TV,” you assumed, mostly based on how you last saw them huddled in Heeseung and Jay’s apartment, tuning into another episode of ‘Seinfeld’ before all of you left for the bar.
“Oh, really? Then why do I see them approaching us,” Chaewon had a better angle of the door given her seating position. At that, you and Yunjin whipped your heads towards the door, disbelief fueling your system. When you told them of your plans, you weren’t expecting them to crash it.
“They really have to stop following us to girls’ night,” Yunjin groaned, returning a wave to Jake begrudgingly. It wasn’t the first time they appeared at girls’ night. You’d think they wouldn’t do it again, but clearly, it was your fault for thinking that way.
“No invite?” Jay made a weeping expression, trying his best to wedge himself in between Chaewon and Yunjin, resulting in them pushing him away.
“Are you guys eligible for girls’ night?” Chaewon deadpanned, sighing aloud.
“If you remove all the testosterone from our bodies, then maybe,” Heeseung slid into the seat next to yours, making himself comfortable as he actively ignored your disapproving gaze.
You switched your focus onto him, letting the others’ bickering fade into the background. He swiftly ordered his usual drink, gin on rocks, then looked at you, cocking an eyebrow with some extent of expectation that you’d start questioning him endlessly. Well, he was right.
“You don’t like coming out to bars unless something has happened. Tell me, which one of you got your heart broken?”
Heeseung laughed, realising you had a point. There was a reason why the both of you could click easily. You and him shared equal dislike for loud and crowded places, finding them overwhelming. “I did,”
“What?”
“I ended it with Wonyoung. Not that it had a label in the first place, but … I just thought it was time to stop,” out of everything you prepared yourself mentally to hear, this piece of information was the last you thought to receive. “It was amicable, don’t worry,”
“But why?”
“We don’t click. That’s it. I thought we did, but I was wrong,” he shrugged, thanking the bartender for the drink, wasting no time in taking a sip of it. “My heart wasn’t there. I think I left it some place else,” he left his heart with you, in the form of a chain which sat around your neck, tucked beneath your blouse.
“So the first thing you thought of was to come here and drink?”
“Wasn’t my idea. Jay insisted on coming after he heard about your plan,”
“That is very on brand of him,” you snorted, expecting nothing less of Jay for wrecking havoc whenever he had the chance to. “Are you doing okay?”
“I’m fine. I expected it at some point, so I suppose it hurts less this way,” Heeseung’s lack of expression made it hard to decipher what he was thinking, forcing you to guess while also treading carefully in unknown territory. “You’re right all along,” you didn’t reply, and waited for him to continue, a part of you cringed at the thought of the incident. Turns out, the projection of your jealousy wasn’t entirely wrong. “I knew we couldn’t work out when she said she didn’t like you guys—don’t be mad—except for Yunjin, I guess? How can I have someone who can’t stand my friends?”
“And to think we were actually rooting for her,” you were disappointed, but not surprised. There was always a feeling in your gut about Wonyoung regardless of your spiteful claim. You hated to be proven right in this context. At the same time, you’d also be lying if you said it didn’t provide some sense of satisfaction to you.
“What doesn’t kill you make you stronger,”
“Cheers to that,” you held up your glass, to which Heeseung gladly clinked. You shot him a quick smile before sipping your mocktail, looking at him with a little too much emotion in your eyes which you couldn’t contain. If you didn’t know better, they might’ve come off as heart eyes. You made sure to glance away for a hot minute when Heeseung put down his glass, he mustn’t see you in your weakest state.
“Look, I need a quick trip to the restroom. Wait for me. Maybe or maybe not, we can dip to get some of our favourite late night snacks,”
“Abandoning our friends? That’s evil,” you whispered, so that the others wouldn’t hear. Judging from their chaotic talking and continuous drinking, you doubted they would notice for even a bit. “I’m down,”
“Give me five minutes.”
Your eyes followed him into the crowd until he disappeared around the corner. Up till that moment, you were finally able to breathe more comfortably, feeling partially restrained by the unusual tension wedged in your dynamic with Heeseung. Although your friendship with him was mostly recovered, you still couldn’t shake off some persisting tension. It was sticking out like a sore thumb. The rest of the group were busy with their ongoing drinking game, dumping the two of you aside from the get-go, so you sat peeking over Yunjin’s shoulder to watch them play, minding your business with your drink in hand.
“Can I buy you a drink?”
So much for minding your own business. You turned at the sound of a stranger’s voice along with a tap on your shoulder, soon met with the face belonging to a handsomely charming man. As far as looks could get him, occupying a seat which was visibly taken based on the drink in its position on the counter wasn’t a good first impression. For the sake of courtesy, you offered a smile.
“Sorry, but the seat’s taken,” it was an indirect ‘no’, the nicest way you could put it without being harsh. Sparing him some embarrassment on his part was humane in your opinion, but apparently, rejection wasn’t an answer this man was willing to accept. The second you saw a switch in the way his face was screwed into, you peacefully realised trouble was imminent.
“I’m just trying to be nice, miss. I think a drink isn’t that big of a problem, no?”
“I appreciate it, but I’m not interested in accepting,”
“Really, one drink, that’s all,”
You were starting to cower in fear, gradually shrinking into your seat. “Sorry, no,”
“What’s going on?” Yunjin slurred behind you, the effects of alcohol evidently caught up to her. The activities happening within your circle of friends had halted at the minor commotion between you and this man who wouldn’t leave you alone. You and all of your friends had gotten to your feet in caution. They. in particular, were instantly poised for action if physical extraction was necessary.
“This guy wouldn’t go away,”
The man scoffed, removing himself off the high stool to stand on all ten toes as well. “I’m trying to get to know your friend. I’m offering to buy her a drink,”
“Hey man, she said ‘no’,” Heeseung couldn’t have chosen a better time to return. Without a single question asked, he was the first to leap into action. He instinctively put himself between you and the man, which unintentionally fueled the situation as it did nothing but agitated the man more. The man stepped closer to Heeseung, sizing him up as if it would successfully intimidate him. Heeseung didn’t like that at all, the mild twitch in his jaw gave his annoyance away. He held out his hand to put a distance between them. “Back off, dude,”
“And who are you?”
Heeseung’s attempt at mediating the escalating situation wasn’t looking very bright. He didn’t answer—totally the wrong move—so, the man continued closing in on him. You came to the conclusion that the man was purposefully making things worse by ticking Heeseung off. And he had indeed fallen into the trap before you could warn him. He was left with no other choices but to push the man on his shoulder in order for the man to fall back. “It’s none of your business. You should leave,”
While still standing behind Heeseung, you pulled at his sleeves, trying to get his attention even though you sensed his anger rising, and there was a high chance he couldn’t hear you past it. “Heeseung, I think we should go—”
“So, you’re protecting this bitch—”
A fist collided with the man’s cheek in a blur. Heeseung undeniably saw red, every ounce of rationality flew out of the window. The scene drew gasps from everyone in the vicinity, including you and your friends. Stunned was an understatement. Heeseung was known to be the calmest amongst the group, being the poster boy for thinking before acting. That was until now.
“Heeseung!”
The man recovered rather quickly from both the pain and the surprise. Just when you wanted to pull Heeseung away, another punch landed, except it was on Heeseung this time. This was surely his ticking point, because he quite literally slipped from your grasp, returning a punch to the man. You were watching in horror as the prior dispute somehow evolved into a fist fight. You wanted a boring night, this was miles off what ‘boring’ would be defined as.
Everything around you faded, your ears were muffled, you weren’t even aware of Yunjin and Chaewon dragging you to the side while Jay and Jake ran to pull Heeseung off of the man. The situation had become out of control. Staff and some customers came to help, managing to separate the two men from each other, both bloody and bruised. The fortunate part about this mess consisted of two things: nobody else was hurt, and nothing got destroyed. The unfortunate part was probably getting kicked out and banned, then having to end your night in the emergency room.
Heeseung suffered not only a split lip that had to be stitched, but also a boxer’s fracture discovered through an X-ray scan. His left hand was wrapped in an ulnar gutter splint—some medical term you recalled the doctor mentioning—immobilising specifically his pinky and ring finger, which meant he was totally inconvenienced by not being able to use his non-dominant hand for several weeks. You wished to laugh in his face for the consequences he brought upon himself. In spite of the thought of taunting him, you were far from being in the mood to do so.
Standing by the medical bed with him sitting on the edge, his injured hand elevated on a pillow, you scowled, not having said a word since you arrived. Every one of your friends had returned home after Heeseung insisted he was fine in your care. In retrospect, he should be thankful you weren’t currently choking him for his careless actions. Instead, he was suffering from both his injuries and your angered silent treatment as the two of you waited for discharge paperworks.
“I’m sorry,” Heeseung, at last, decided to be the one to break the icy silence formed rigidly in the room. A sharp inhalation of breath was your response for the next following moments, head shaking in what could be described as either disappointment or disapproval, you couldn’t figure which would be the most fitting for your current thoughts.
“‘Sorry’? What were you thinking? You were reckless, and incredibly thoughtless about your own safety,” you snapped, fear seeping through the anger you used to conceal your true emotions, the tremor of your hand might just be a telltale sign.
“I wanted to protect you!”
“I didn’t need protection!” you took half a step forward, Heeseung barely budged, keeping himself steady and overall composed. “You could’ve gotten more hurt than you already are right now,”
“But I didn’t,”
“That’s because people intervened before it got worse, smartass. You should be thankful the charges were dropped because the bartender backed you up,” you rubbed at your temple, pacing back and forth. His stubbornness was clashing with yours, making things ten times more difficult than it already was. You were able to understand why the last time the both of you fought had ended in neither of you speaking to each other again. “I didn’t want you to get hurt,”
“Who are you to get a say in that?”
You glowered at him, having the inability to form a logical answer to his response without the emotional side of you spilling all over. Sure, you could go with the reason of you being his dear best friend who was afraid to see him putting himself in danger, or you could go for the option of being silent and not utter those seven letters admitting you’re friends, because the last thing you’d like to touch upon in that emergency room was your feelings for him. It was a sensitive subject.
“Excuse me?” out of all the possible times to appear, the nurse had to pick the one where you and Heeseung were in the middle of another altercation. Another not assuring point to note was the nurse awkwardly handing you the paperwork to sign, looking thoroughly uncomfortable and very much aware of what was going down moments before she entered. Great, you took your chances to sign the discharge paperwork and stormed out at the last flick of your signature, your frustration blinding you the entire way to the front of the hospital.
You gasped for air, the stuffiness inside the emergency room restricted your airways, in addition, the whole exchange with Heeseung only pressed harder onto your lungs. Watching cars come and go, patients arriving and leaving, you felt helpless for the first time in a while, consumed by your fear that was creeping up on you without your knowledge. You stood there, alone and confused, no one to come to your aid.
“Y/N,” you registered Heeseung’s voice, only you were a moment’s short of a reaction as he grabbed a hold of your wrist, tugging onto your arm to turn you around. You didn’t push him away. An arm in a cast, physically dishevelled, panting and out of breath from chasing you, Heeseung wasn’t backing down without a fight, one that he hoped wouldn’t land him in the hospital once more. “Answer me. What am I to you?”
“What?”
“What am I to you?”
“You’re my friend,”
“Bullshit,”
“My best friend,”
“Bullshit!” he snarled, spewing the word through clenched teeth, unable to contain his rage nor keep his voice from rising. His grip on you remained firm, contrasting the waver of emotions seen in his eyes. “Is this really what you think about me—about us? Because I don’t believe you,”
“Then what do you think about us?”
“Don’t turn this on me,”
“You’re the one who got a girlfriend first then suddenly dropped this out of nowhere! Not to mention, right after breaking up with her,”
“That’s because I wished she were you,” this was enough to shut you up, rendering you speechless, all vocabulary seemed to escape your brain, not that there were any appropriate ones to use at that moment. “I thought being with someone else would erase what I felt for you. It seemed to have worked for a short while, until I realised that’s not how it works, and I was thinking about you the whole time,” he paused, but you didn’t know if it was for you to take it in or for himself to not crumble. “You said you knew me, but clearly not enough to tell that I’m in love with you, and I’ve always been in love with you,”
His confession had taken a toll on him, every last bit of strength he saved since running after you was slowly depleting. You felt him letting go of your arm, sighing deeply, the sound of your heartbeats filled the cold night air. Heeseung stared back at you weakly, pleading for you to break the silence on your end. You were a fool, a self-sabotaging lunatic who was ruining yourself at the thought of him falling for someone else in the first place, just to back away out of fear when he admitted his feelings to you directly. When were you going to stop running away?
“We can either leave here like how we were before, pretend nothing happened, or we can leave knowing the truth,” Heeseung had thrown the ball into your court, rightfully giving you your turn to speak your truth or forever hold your peace. Your hands were balled into fists at each side, nails digging crescent moons into your palm, the cooling breeze did nothing to help the heat travelling up your entire body.
“God damn it, Heeseung, I love you,” you bursted at the seams, the only secret you’ve kept to yourself was freed, pouring out of you like a gushing fountain. “I love you, and I’m in love with you too,” The months you’ve spent dwelled on this—your love for your best friend of several years—hadn’t prepared you to face it head on, because you were definitely holding in every ounce of tears amassed over that era of your life. “I was scared—I am scared, that if I ever told you how I really feel, I’d lose you, and everything we built would be gone,”
You shifted on your two feet, never once did you dare to look away from Heeseung, still petrified that whatever left your mouth would ruin the friendship that had already been over since you discovered your feelings for him. “I tried convincing myself we were nothing but friends, until I couldn’t anymore, and it hurts. It really did when I saw you with someone else, that’s when I thought I had lost you,”
“You never lost me, you never would’ve lost me,” Heeseung took your trembling hand into his, intertwining his fingers with yours. Something you’ve done countless times suddenly felt more intimate than it should be. Given the proximity and the vulnerable confessions, everything significantly changed, realising there was no point of return. “You were always a part of me,”
“Tell me this is real, that whatever I’ve felt between us has always been real,” you searched for his eyes, for some sort of confirmation to your fears which persisted in haunting you. He squeezed your hand, putting on a smile just for you, the edge of his eyes crinkled a little.
“It is real, more than you can ever comprehend. You complete me.”
Heeseung never gave you a chance to speak this time. He chose to be selfish. Once you’ve come to wrap your scrambled mind around his words, he has freed his hand from your grasp, pulling you in with that hand now placed on your cheek, lips colliding onto yours.
Everything felt right. How you moved against each others’ lips, rough and passionate, barely holding yourselves back after months, or rather years of built up tension and silent confessions pushed down for the sake of keeping your friendship safe. That could all be forgotten now. The idea of a friendship flew out of your mind when you melted into his touch. His calloused palm cradled the side of your side face, moving it to a certain angle just so he could deepen the kiss.
The amount of kiss scenes you’ve indulged from watching too many rom-coms would never have prepared yourself for this. Ever. Kissing Heeseung was different, he was different. It was sweet, gentle, and too familiar, as though kissing him was a second instinct of yours, almost like a birthright. You were experiencing every butterfly, every spark, every bit of nervousness that you’d normally get whenever his gaze lingered a minute too long, where his hands would brush against yours, or those times he would look at you in a group full of people. You were always the center of his world, you just never brought yourself to notice.
The both of you gradually pulled away after what seemed like an eternity trapped in heaven, but not completely apart, still resisting to separate, chasing each others’ lips with a hunger to appease. In the end, you settled to rest your forehead against his, noses close to touching, breaths fanning one anothers’ lips. Neither of you spoke for a while, basking in the ambience, all while you held onto him, and he held onto you closer.
“Does that mean our friendship is ruined now?” you whispered faintly, grinning widely and giddy from the aftermath of your kiss.
“I think it’s been ruined for a long time,” Heeseung’s thumb caressed the expanse of your cheek, moving away to press a soft kiss on your temple. “And I don’t regret any part of it,” he shook his head, gaze boring into yours with no intention to ever leave. “Except I didn’t get to kiss you sooner,”
There he was, classic Heeseung with his smart mouth, trying to win you completely by pulling out the methods he used on ladies for them swoon over him. You punched his shoulder, scoffing at him and that smug smile on his stupidly charming face. “Then kiss me again.”
You didn’t need to tell Heeseung twice before he swooped in to connect his lips with yours for a second time that night. Sparks flew, electricity coursed through your veins, it felt like you were kissed by him for the first time all over again. Holding onto each other, none of you dared to let go, terrified this moment would suddenly disappear and fade into nothingness. But it was never meant to be fleeting nor short-lived, instead, merely a goodbye to this ending, welcoming a new beginning.
In the middle of New York City, standing right in front of a hospital, you were kissing a man you’ve fallen in love with, your best friend who got himself injured just for your sake. If anything, you’d consider this to be a better plot than any of your favourite movies. The story of how you and Heeseung fell in love might be competing for the position of ‘When Harry Met Sally’ in your life.
The festive season in the city was an absolute dream.
You got to go Christmas shopping, visit coffee shops for a sizzling cup of hot chocolate, and head to a few rounds of ice skating just so you could prove to everyone you wouldn’t fall. It was your favourite time of the year. This time was no different from the other years you spent in New York. Staying in on a cold day, wrapped in layers of clothing, preparing for the annual Christmas dinner followed by an after party you and your friends threw as a tradition, everything about the holiday was perfect. The only contrast to other years was the label to you and Heeseung’s relationship.
That’s right. You and Heeseung were no longer friends, you and him had become a couple. It took five years and six months for the both of you to reach this stage in life. After a total of over a hundred failed dates, two boyfriends, and three girlfriends plus three unofficial-no-label partners over the course of these five years, you and him finally learnt there was no point in finding love elsewhere, when it’s been next to you the entire time. Maybe you had to spend a long time to learn that, but a lesson was still a lesson at the end of the day.
“You guys are disgusting,” Chaewon could only roll her eyes and shake her head at the sight of Heeseung giving you a peck on the lips. She couldn’t bring herself to complain as she was one of the members to ride the train of bringing you and Heeseung together. Despite her funny little digs, she would be smiling watching the both of you severely struck by the love bug.
“It’s Christmas, cheer up,” you nudged her with your elbow, holding carefully onto the freshly baked lasagna. The last, grandest piece of the Christmas dinner presented on your kitchen table. You should bear in mind to hire caterers next year, the exhaustion was indescribable.
“If only Santa could wrap a capable man for me this Christmas, and gift him to me,” Chaewon grumbled, falling into one of the chairs with a loud sigh. The smell of cooked food had attracted flies in the form of men into the dining area. Jay and Jake soon came rushing in to snatch a seat at the table, fighting over who would be the one to hog the turkey leg.
“Am I not a part of this fight anymore?” Heeseung slid into the chair next to you, seemingly offended that he was excluded from the traditional turkey discourse. You, Yunjin, and Chaewon snickered at the silliness of their behaviour, a common happening you and your friends were desensitized to.
“You have a girlfriend, Heeseung, the least you can do is leave the turkey leg to us,” Jake pointed a finger at Heeseung, earning a disgruntled grunt of agreement from Jay. Heeseung shrugged, knowing they weren’t wrong, contentedly throwing an arm around you, while also smugly grinning at the two men. You rolled your eyes, but didn’t brush his touch away either.
With a clap of your hands, you announced the start of the dinner. “Eat up, everyone. Before the guests start coming.”
Hours later, you and Yunjin’s apartment was congested with friends and families, nothing you’ve never experienced before, you just forgot how overwhelming it was at some point. The music you put on the background was effectively drowned out due to scattered loud chatters, your friends were dispersed all over the apartment as well. You were at least happy to see the condiment platters being savagely cleared thanks to certain hungry individuals (most likely Jay). Seeing your hard work enjoyed by others was somewhat fulfilling, but you had a feeling it was the festive mood speaking on your behalf.
“Hey,” Heeseung appeared by your side as you replenished the platters, helping you to take them to the table. You followed him with empty hands.
“Hi,” your hands weren’t so empty anymore when he grabbed them immediately after, pulling you along with him, squeezing through groups of people. He stopped directly next to the stereo in the corner, away from the crowd, just the two of you keeping each other company. He turned the volume higher, barely loud enough to overpower the sound of people’s voices, but just right for you to listen. George Benson’s ‘Nothing’s Gonna Change My Love for You’ began playing.
“You’re tired,” he stated, bringing both your hands over his shoulders, resting them comfortably there, his own placed on your waist. You let him lead, body naturally swaying to the lazy rhythm of the music, slow dancing in this tiny corner while others were occupied. It was you and him in your own world, nobody else would come to disturb or ruin your moment together.
“It’s always exhausting when it comes to throwing parties. I think we should have a vacation for the next holiday, escape all of this,”
“Where would you like to go?”
You pondered for a while, speaking off the top of your head. “I’m thinking the Bahamas,”
“You really love the beach, don’t you?”
“Only if you’re there picking seashells with me,” you pressed a long kiss by the edge of his mouth, taking in the smile that instantly appeared on his face, a look of love and adoration was written all over him. He was a man who stood at the top of the world regardless of what he wanted or wished to achieve.
“I’ll gladly collect every seashell on the beach if it meant getting to spend time with you,” he hummed, squeezing your waist playfully just to hear you laugh at the tickling sensation. You slapped at his chest, a few more laughter lingered from either one of you, George Benson in the background being replaced by ‘With or Without You’ by U2. Heeseung glanced up briefly, a grin slowly formed, and you understood it was a sign of mischief. He was up to no good. “Uh oh, mistletoe alert,”
Following his actions, you tilted your head back, spotting a mistletoe hanging above your head. You didn’t know whether to be annoyed, impressed, or amused. Perhaps you were all. “You planted it there, didn’t you?”
Heeseung feigned ignorance, raising both shoulders with a devious smirk. He was a hundred percent guilty. “Maybe I did, maybe I didn’t,”
You stared at him, still moving to the music playing, saying nothing, only letting your eyes wander every feature on his face. From his large deer-like eyes, to the slope of his nose, down to the pout of his lips, those were the features that welcomed you to the city on your first day, ones which you admired many times. Now, they would one day be passed down onto your children. Heeseung was the man you loved, and nothing would ever change that.
“I love you,”
It wasn’t the first time Heeseung heard those three sacred words coming from you. In fact, he heard it day in, day out, you made sure he wouldn’t forget it, and he never once got sick of listening to your voice, listening to you express your love to him like it hadn’t been done before. He removed his hands from your waist, choosing to settle them on either side of your cheeks. “I love you too.”
Under the mistletoe, Heeseung kissed you like it was his very first time doing so. You forgot about the people, the music, the cold, and quite frankly, the presents waiting for you. All that mattered to you was having your best friend, your forever partner, in your arms, holding onto you with such gentleness it could almost be compared to the snow falling outside your window.
Moving to New York City was the best choice you’ve made for yourself. You found your identity, a good job, an amazing group of friends, and a forever person to spend the rest of your life with. The advice you’d give to someone who’s new to the city would probably be: one, get to know your neighbour; two, accept the pizza your neighbour offers, then wait for whatever that comes next and go along with wherever the wind blows. Remember, it’s always good to ruin the friendship too.
SYNOPSIS: New York City promised you a lot of things. Big opportunities, a better social life, a lavish city for you to explore, everything and anything but love. While you searched for this thing called ‘love’ by going on dates and being introduced to men after men, you continued to ignore the only person who you’ve always loved, your neighbour across the hall, Lee Heeseung. As you embarked on this journey through life, you realised you were letting him slip away from your grasp as you denied this very thing you longed for. But nothing was ever too late if only you’d face your fears and ruin the damn friendship.
PAIRINGS: non-idol!heeseung x afab!reader
GENRE: (two idiotic) best friends to lovers, fluff, angst, romance, slow burn, inspired by chandler and monica from 'FRIENDS' (tv show) and 'when harry met sally'
WARNING(S): profanities, mentions of alcohol, slight violence
WC: 23k
PLAYLIST: fresh out the slammer, ruin the friendship by taylor swift / a couple minutes, let alone the one you love by olivia dean / almost is never enough, my everything by ariana grande
AUTHOR'S NOTE: i'm ALIVE. happy 2026, sorry for the long wait because life's hectic. this has been in my drafts for a long time and i finally wrote it but ofc it ended up being over 20k lol. please leave a feedback and reblogs are greatly appreciated! muah xx
It’s been five years since you’ve moved to New York. The bustling city was overwhelming to say the least. Fast paced and filled with people of all kinds, settling in definitely took you some time. In those five years, you unexpectedly found yourself in a group of friends. As cliche as it sounded, you were convinced fate had set every one of you up in a peculiar way. From then onwards, the six of you have stuck together and terrorized the coffee shop as a spot for your daily hangouts.
Everything first started off when you moved into your new apartment. You were housing with a girl called Jennifer Huh, or better known as Huh Yunjin, a native New Yorker. She was easy to be friends with, having a natural outgoing personality, she helped you settle in easier than expected. Soon, you met her friend who lived nearby, Kim Chaewon, another bubbly personality added to the mix. The three of you naturally became an inseparable trio when there were way too many common interests shared between all of you.
Moving on from that, it didn’t take long before you met your neighbour too, the one that lived across the hall. Turns out, it was a man that occupied the apartment, seemingly being in the same situation as Yunjin was with the entire housemate hunt, but obviously, that changed when you came along. He, on the contrary, was stuck dealing with that trouble. His name was Lee Heeseung. He was kind, a little too handsome for your eyes to handle and had a mouth that spewed sarcasm like his life depended on it.
Heeseung was searching for a housemate too, but unlike Yunjin, he had a rougher experience with more failures than success. That luck soon changed when you came home to a bunch of boxes piled by the door of Heeseung’s apartment, another pretty face appearing to introduce himself as ‘Jay’, features strong enough to knock wind out of your lungs, matching his velvety smooth voice that would knock your panties off too. It took you and the girls a lot of courage to face Jay, who was deemed as the ‘handsome one’ without his knowledge.
“He won’t bite.” Heeseung snarkily whispered to the three of you when he saw you and your friends huddled into one corner of the couch in the coffee shop, listening to Jay’s complaints about his new job.
To make matters more interesting, Jay soon brought a new friend to the group, a fresh face to the city similarly to you. Sim Jaeyun, who actually insisted on being called Jake, was not only new to the city, but also the country. He was originally from Australia but moved to New York for his job. A cute, awkward guy that stumbled over his words from time to time, reminding you of a puppy, basically that summed him up as a whole.
From the comforts of your apartment to the coffee shop nearby, the six of you spent days, months, years together, not remembering the time where you’re not together, which was probably never. Fast forward to the present day now that years have passed, many have changed when it came to the world, but ultimately, your friendship remained.
“Do you guys still have milk?” you opened your door to a topless Heeseung, bed hair still present, unbothered by your judgemental eye roll as he followed you in.
“Well, good morning to you too,” you grumbled, getting back to your own breakfast.
“Morning,” he flashed a smile at you, then proceeded to dig through your fridge for the milk he came for. “Bingo,” he slammed the door shut, holding onto your box of milk victoriously.
Heeseung walked past you casually, heading towards the door only to stop in his tracks, turning his body to face you in a dramatic manner. You glanced up from your bowl of cereal, seeing the obvious question marks plastered on his entire face.
“Are you still going on that date with Marcus?” he pointed the milk at you, an eyebrow raised. The minor twitch of that same eyebrow didn’t go unnoticed, a quirk of his whenever he’s mildly annoyed. For whatever reason, you didn’t know. You brushed off your initial reaction to that detail, responding to him with an unimpressed stare.
“It's Mark,” you corrected through a mouthful of cereal, watching him slowly approach the table, leaning against the chair opposite of you. “And yes, I am. Aren’t you going on a date with that Jessica girl you met at the coffee shop?”
“I am,” he shifted uneasily on his feet, still maintaining that look in his eyes, the one that he has whenever he interrogates you at the mention of a date. It was rather unreadable, he tended to hide it pretty quickly once he realised you caught onto it. Heeseung and you were no strangers to each others’ love lives, constantly curious about potential dates, wishing to indulge purely out of interest. This time, however, Heeseung seemed to emit a much different intent than before. “That’s not important, though. So, what's Mark like?”
“Your date isn’t important but mine is? What? You want him instead?” you deadpanned, attempting to amuse him dryly, unable to understand the reason behind him suddenly prying into the information of your date when he would usually choose to spare listening to the details.
“I’m just … asking,” Heeseung shrugged, a 180 switch from one minute ago, acting as if he could care less, but the stiffness in his stance was telling you otherwise.
You finished the last of your breakfast, getting out of your seat to clean up, hearing Heeseung shuffling around behind you in your quiet apartment. “He’s nice, a decent guy with a funny humour, quite awkward, but also charming,” you described Mark to Heeseung, though you found it was rather simple and vague once you verbally said it out loud, not that you knew him more than that. “What about Jessica?”
Heeseung hadn’t expected you to turn his question on him. He was stunned for a moment, but was quick to recover himself. “She’s cute, really sweet, smart and works in a hospital,”
You nodded slowly, putting the dishes away before turning to face him, resting your hip against the counter. “Where are you taking this girl?”
“The restaurant down the street from the coffee house,”
“The Italian one? What a coincidence. Mark made a reservation at the Spanish restaurant across from it,”
“Of course he did,” Heeseung muttered inaudibly under his breath, just quiet enough for you to not catch onto his words. It only got him a very confused frown from you, your stance changing to rest a hand on your waist.
“What?”
He waved his hand dismissively at you, laughing lightly to distract you from his peculiar behaviour. “Nothing. Maybe we’ll run into each other tonight … or not,”
“Maybe,” you echoed, thinking about the several times you’ve actually ran into Heeseung in the middle of your dates and vice versa. You and him never had dates outside of the area, frequently going to places nearby, but bizarrely, you never question the coincidences if the two of you saw each other.
“I’ll see you later at the coffee house. I heard Jake has some news he wants to tell us,” Heeseung had his hand on the doorknob, ready to leave, his gaze on you unwavering. It was an early morning, yet there was something odd lingering in the air between you and him that you could not comprehend. When it comes to your conversations about dates with Heeseung, it has always been lighthearted discussions, unlike this time where you found yourself troubled and him acting out of character.
“See you, Hee,” you softly bid him a temporary goodbye, absentmindedly using a nickname that only you had reserved for him. He flashed you a quick smile before closing the door, leaving you alone to marinate in the aftermath of your short yet questionable conversation. The thoughts of him persisted for too long till the door to Yunjin’s room swung open, and you failed to notice it.
“Who was that?” her voice successfully brought you out of your daydreams, you could tell from her expressions that she had spotted your strange behaviour almost at once, reminding you to snap out of it and return yourself back to your senses. Call it morning grumpiness or a Heeseung shake up. “Was it Heeseung?” you couldn’t deduce if Yunjin was simply assuming it was him or she had guessed it accurately from the look on your face.
“Yeah,” you chose to feign ignorance, pretending you weren’t bothered by him or even the mention of his name.
Yunjin groaned deeply, rolling her eyes far enough that it might’ve gone to the back of her head. “Did he take our milk again?”
The morning rolled by without either of you bringing up Heeseung’s name once more. As usual, when lunch time came around, the entire group was present at the coffee house, crowding the designated spot, all of you arriving from each of your offices, waiting for Jake to spill his burning hot news.
“So, what’s the big announcement, Jakey boy?” Yunjin sipped on her hot tea, eyeing Jake sharply as he set his briefcase down, the tailored suit hugging his figure perfectly.
“I got offered to teach at NYU!” Jake almost jumped at the announcement, looking as though he had been holding that information in for ages. The group cheered in sync, yelling a collection of congratulations, each one of you taking turns to hug him out of genuine shared excitement. “I’ll be an engineering professor, isn’t it crazy?”
“That’s great, Jake!” Chaewon was the last to hug him, patting him enthusiastically on the back while she made sure her coffee didn’t spill over. She set her mug down, eyes lighting up at an idea that seemed to have appeared in her mind. “How about we go out and celebrate?”
Jake beamed at her suggestion, his answer was already written all over his face. “We should. Shouldn’t we, guys? What about dinner tonight?”
Heeseung glanced at you, meeting your knowing gaze, a mutual understanding passing through the two of you. He turned to Jake, hating to ruin the moment for just a split second. “Sorry pal, Y/N and I have dates tonight. How about tomorrow night?”
“You two are finally going on a date?”
The atmosphere around the group stilled, everyone stopped whatever they were doing, halted mid drink or bite, just to stare at you and Heeseung. Worst part of all, they didn’t even bother questioning Jake’s obvious error. You were sure every one of them had heard and understood Heeseung clearly, but instead, they chose to go with Jake’s misinterpretation.
“What?” Speaking in sync wasn’t entirely helping your case either. You and Heeseung exchanged incredulous glances, facing your group of friends after with nothing but an obvious look of ‘are you kidding me‘, as though their foolishness were incomprehensible to you and Heeseung.
“Wait, you’re not going on a date together?” Jake threaded the waters carefully, shrinking into his seat in embarrassment, contrary to the rest, who perked up in overwhelming interest.
“We’re not going on a date together, not with each other,” Heeseung corrected, sighing loudly out of his flaring nostrils.
“We have dates scheduled with other people. I’m going out with Mark, remember the guy I was saying—”
“Oh! The cute guy from my marketing department!” Chaewon jogged her memory, remembering the details better than Heeseung did. Speaking of him, he was fortunate enough to avoid getting caught rolling his eyes at the mention of your date, a minor detail that went a long way.
“That’s right, Chae, thank you,” you nodded at her, smiling sweetly. “Heeseung’s going out with … who’s she again?” You flashed an apologetic look at him, though it wasn’t convincing. You did remember her name, you were just doing this out of spite, and yes, you were aware of Heeseung glaring at you.
“Jessica,”
“The one with the big tits?” Jay spoke his mind a little too freely, garnering a collective questionable look from the group. He merely shrugged, not one ounce of regret seen in his expressions.
“No, the one with a big heart,” Heeseung grumbled, the sarcasm in his comment remained as per usual.
“Well, we thought—”
“We thought nothing,” Yunjin cut through Chaewon’s words quicker than the speed of light, shooting her a warning glare that you might need to read into after. You and Heeseung couldn’t understand what they meant, neither did the two of you notice the wary looks exchanged between your friends. It was the exact feeling of getting left out of an inside joke, but it was less stinging to know you had Heeseung with you in that experience. “Anyway, should we set dinner for tomorrow night?”
As if on cue, everyone responded with unanimous agreement, brushing past the prior topic without a second thought. You figured it was strange how your friends had reacted to the very ridiculous idea of you and Heeseung going on a date with each other. Plus, what did Jake mean with ‘finally’? Weren’t you and Heeseung just friends, the same way it was with the others?
Hypothetically speaking, if you were to go out on a date with him, what’s so wrong with that?
For that night, to everyone’s disappointment, you already had a date, and his name was Mark. You decided to shake the thoughts away until you were standing by the entrance of your apartment, waiting for your date’s arrival so that you two could walk down to the restaurant together. It was an arrangement you purposely requested, thinking a walk would add some spice to it.
“Hey,”
You didn't need to turn to find out who it was that appeared. From the voice alone, including the warm presence you felt, you concluded that Heeseung had made his presence known. He stood next to you, hands in his pockets, decked out in a sleek suit.
“Hey. You're all dressed up,” you reached over to fix his tie, straightening it to make sure it wasn’t crooked. After all, a good impression was important. “And, you finally know how to tie your own tie,”
“I always knew how to do that,” Heeseung argued back, though it was a weak argument, knowing you had struck dead on a bullseye.
“No, you don't,”
“Yes, I do,”
“Then who’s been the one tying it for you whenever you mess up? Jay?”
Heeseung breathed sharply through his nose, realising you had the last word, but he didn’t mind, a smile proved it, just from thinking about the memories of you fixing his every fucked up tie. “It’s you,”
“That’s right,” you saw that smile of his stretched across his lips, the suddenness of your heart jumping at the sight made your hand fall from his tie, your expressions unknowingly faltering. You recovered yourself in an instant, relieved that Heeseung hadn’t caught onto it. “Are you waiting here too?”
“I’m heading to the restaurant, we’re meeting there. Is your date coming? We can walk together if you’d like,”
“I’d love to, but we’re meeting here,” you softened at his suggestion, noting the hint of disappointment in your tone that you hoped he didn’t notice. There was a short moment of silence that neither you nor him minded, just taking in each other’s presence. “Thanks, Heeseung,”
Heeseung smiled, but it didn’t reach his eyes like it always did. Despite the noises surrounding you, whether it was people talking or the traffic of the busy city, in that moment, you only had each other in focus. “No problem. See you tomorrow?”
You nodded, reaching your hand over again to give him a slightly encouraging squeeze to the shoulder. “I’ll see you tomorrow. Good luck,”
“You too.”
Meeting Mark started off great, the walk to the restaurant had gone according to plan, you managed to get to know more about this guy in Chaewon’s marketing department. He loved cycling, had a cat, lived in the upstate area, basically an ideal recipe for a good boyfriend. You knew you could trust Chaewon’s taste.
Dinner had a slow start to it. You listened to Mark talking about his latest discoveries of restaurants nearby, liking how he carried himself, especially when he spoke of his interests that only made him more interesting. Maybe, just maybe, there was a chance that this would break your ‘first date curse’, that there’d be an actual second date waiting for you.
However, you were wrong, so wrong.
By the time dessert was served, you thought your ears were about to fall off from Mark’s continuous rant about his ex girlfriend. At first, it began with only a simple mention of her, eventually it turned into an emotional spiel, then finally, he decided to close the night off with confessing his longings for her, which beats the entire purpose of the date and ruined your appetite for dessert.
You didn’t bother for him to walk you home, you figured you needed alone time to sort out your afterthoughts about the disastrous date. The moment you bid him goodbye, you knew there was no next time, surely you weren’t going to bump into him either. Once he disappeared around the corner, you found the courage to move, but as you were about to turn and leave, you spotted another figure across the street.
Heeseung.
Likewise, he had seen you at the same time that you did, meeting your eyes almost instantly. You couldn’t help frowning, noticing the lack of his date’s presence, questioning why he was alone just like you were. It didn’t take him another second before he crossed the road skillfully, dodging the traffic as if it was nothing. He appeared right in front of you within a blink of an eye, wearing the brightest smile that resembled the stars in the night sky.
“Didn’t think I’d see you tonight,” you said truthfully, thinking the interaction you had with him before the date was going to be the last time you saw him until the next day. Little did you know, fate had other things set in motion for you and him.
“I thought so too. I’m glad I got to see you though,” he was genuine, you could tell, his smile remained on his face softly, as if your presence was enough to evoke one from him. “How’s your date? Has he left?”
“Don’t talk about my date, it was another disaster,”
“Was he married again?”
“What—no! God, no. I don’t think I can handle it if it happened again,” you shook your head harshly, mostly trying to physically shake the thoughts from your head. You swallowed, uncomfortably shifting on your feet. “He was talking about his ex,”
“Ouch!” Heeseung exclaimed, dramatically placing a hand on his chest.
“I know!”
“The worst kind of date to have,”
“Tell me about it. I had to sit there and hear him yap about her and how she’s a bitch, but then she’s suddenly an angel that he lost,”
His eyebrows furrowed, a frown pulled at his lips, the same one he had whenever a waiter got his order wrong. He clicked his tongue, shaking his head gently. “You know what he truly lost? You,”
You searched his eyes for the truth, terrified he was lying through his teeth, that he was saying things to make your heart jump just for it to be all in your head. “You’re only saying that to make me feel better,”
“I've never lied to you, Y/N,” there, in the middle of a sidewalk, in his suit, Heeseung confessed his thoughts, the moon illuminating the honesty hidden behind his eyes, highlighting the truth laced in his words. “You looked beautiful tonight,”
“Thank you,” you had to ignore the feeling of warmth creeping up your cheeks, hoping—no—praying the darkness managed to cover it. “How was your date? I don’t see her anywhere,”
Heeseung pulled a face, shoulders stiffening at the mention of his night, which gave the clear impression that it didn’t turn out well. “She’s … I don’t know. I didn’t click with her, unfortunately. I don’t think she was interested either, honestly. We went our own ways after, that’s it,”
“Oh, Heeseung,” you winced, making a face that screamed ‘yikes’, causing him to click his tongue in annoyance.
“Don’t start the pity party, it was mutual,” he reached for your arm, pulling you to walk with him, starting your journey back to the apartment. You couldn’t explain it, but the usual route back home became more comforting with him by your side. “I think I might lay off the whole dating thing for a while and focus on work,”
“When was the last time you got laid?”
Heeseung turned to look at you with his mouth hung open midway, partially offended but also shocked at the fact that you dared to ask a question knowing it targeted his already weakened pride. This wasn’t the type of topic the two of you would shy away from, the years of being friends amounted to many awkward instances that trained either of you to turn insensitive to things others would view as taboos in friendships consisting of opposite genders.
You raised an eyebrow, prodding him to answer your question. He rolled his eyes dramatically, exhaling a long, exhausted sigh. All this and he would call you the ‘drama queen’. “Almost three months ago,”
“A-ha! No wonder you said that,” you pointed an accusatory finger at him, nearly cackling in his face. “Men who say they ‘give up’ on dating are usually the ones that are fumbling their chances with a girl time after time. Is that not you?”
“Ouch?” he placed a hand on his chest, mocking a bullet to his heart, feigning a devastated frown to earn pity points from you. Spoiler alert, it failed, because all you could do was laugh at him, ticking him off further. “It’s not my fault I can’t click with anyone. They’re not …” Heeseung bit his tongue at the realisation of almost completing his sentence with ‘you’, the word coming to him in an instinct he didn’t bother to question. Shaking the thought away, he decided to omit it, burying it down in the pits of his abdomen. “They’re not the kind of people that share the same values as I do, you know?”
“I know,” you nodded slowly, wearing a small smile, somewhat relating to him on various levels. The date with Mark being a sinking ship was clear evidence. “I’m not having any luck in that department either. Look at us tonight,” you met his eyes, sharing a mutual understanding, one that neither of you needed to communicate, resulting in a fit of laughter, self-deprecating and wildly targeted at yourselves.
“It just means not yet,” by the time he said that, the both of you had already arrived on the doorsteps of your apartments, conveniently across from each other. It sounded close to a promise of the future, the conviction in his voice nearly convinced you. You hummed in response, contemplating his words, quietly pondering if the day where you’d find love would come. Movies depicting New York as the city where love resided gave you a sense of false hope when you got here. Now years later, you were slapped in the face with the reality of its dating pool.
Choosing to move past the topic of love and dating, you decided to bring up a much more relevant question that’s been bugging you since you saw him earlier on. “Are you coming over for breakfast tomorrow? I'm making pancakes,”
“Are they better than Jay’s?”
“Probably not, but I swear I’ll put butter on top instead of whip cream, the way you like it best,”
“You know me too well,”
You smiled. Of course you did. “Goodnight, Heeseung.”
“Goodnight, Y/N.”
Neither of you dared to reach out to hug the other, it was evident that the both of you wanted to, but unexplainably so, you were too afraid to. Maybe it was the sudden switch in the atmosphere that you couldn’t pinpoint accurately. All you knew was that you could feel his gaze linger on you even as you entered your apartment, feeling his warmth in the empty apartment of yours.
“Heeseung was here for breakfast this morning,”
In your shared living room with Yunjin, she happened to be bringing up some minor details of the day to Chaewon. The three of you were getting ready for Jake’s celebratory dinner at a fine dining restaurant uptown. It would only be fair if you got to prepare yourselves together, choosing the best dresses and gossiping about the latest scandal, except it somehow redirected to you.
“And you got home pretty late last night too,” Yunjin pointed a finger at you, two pairs of eyes turned to look at you, expecting at least a pinch of explanation for a link between these two situations. Shrugging, you couldn’t understand what Yunjin was trying to get out of this, or you were pretending not to know where it was going.
“I had a date with Mark, remember?”
“Nuh-uh,” Yunjin chastised, clicking her tongue, and wagging her finger. Chaewon, on the other hand, scratched at her head, closely observing Yunjin’s thorough investigation. “He’s not the one who walked you home. You would always invite your dates in for coffee, but you didn’t last night, so it means the date failed,”
Right, you didn’t need another reminder from Sherlock Holmes telling you that the only date you had in several months ended up in a ditch. “Okay! Yes, my date with Mark didn’t go as planned,” you threw your arms up in surrender, hoping to move on from your misery, thus choosing to come clean against your will. You moved from the kitchen table to fling your body onto the couch, the bottom of your shirt riding up your hip. “I bumped into Heeseung, then we walked home together, that’s all,”
Yunjin and Chaewon exchanged a knowing glance instantly, as if it was on instinct, leaving you completely out of the loop. They got up from their respective positions and joined you on the couch, one on each side, closing in on you with questions written all over their faces. “That’s … all?” Chaewon added, sounding either hopeful or skeptical, a blurry line between the two,
“Yes,” you affirmed, scoffing humorously at your friends’ ridiculous behaviours. “What?” you turned your head from one to the other to give both of them a curious frown, unable to gauge their thoughts. Whatever they were, they weren’t good, nor were they going to make your frown turn upside down.
“Are you wearing Heeseung’s shirt?” Yunjin pointed at the graphic tee you had on, fooling nobody as it obviously was not fitted for you. To dig your grave deeper, your friends believed you weren’t a fan of Star Trek either, hence the shirt with a large print of Spock made no sense. “He came in asking if he left it here,”
“I borrowed it, that’s it,” you presented your point, but Yunjin and Chaewon weren’t pleased. They were nowhere near satisfied, and it seemed they were willing to go lengths just to squeeze an answer or any semblance of information out of you whether you liked it or not. Your friends were crazy. Period. A fact you had known since the beginning.
“What is Heeseung to you, Y/N?” Yunjin propped her elbows on her knees, chin rested on her palms, staring expectantly at you through her eyelashes.
“Huh?” One question from Yunjin suddenly had the power to wipe off every thought from your head, mind as blank as a sheet of paper. If anything, it was panic that set in.
“You heard her, Y/N,” Chaewon nudged you, seeing through your act of ignorance. Obviously she would, she knew you the best when it came to your feelings. “What’s it between you and Heeseung?”
“He’s my friend—my best friend,” you emphasised on ‘friend’ as though it was successfully helping your point. It was a fact either way. Heeseung was your best friend, he has been for the last five years, your first official friend slash neighbour since moving to the city. He was just that, just Heeseung, nothing more.
“Men and women can’t be just friends,” Yunjin argued, supported by Chaewon who was nodding fervently next to you.
“You know you’re friends with men too, right?” you squinted at her doubtfully, her idea completely defeated the purpose of your own friendgroup.
“I know, we’ve already gone through it,” Yunjin nodded over to Chaewon, her nodding becoming more pronounced, a hushed ‘yeah’ escaped her breath, filled with partial guilt.
“Excuse me?”
“Alright, maybe Chaewon and I had some … past encounters with Jay and Jake, but none of them turned into anything. Oh, God forbid,” Yunjin brushed past your stunned silence, not batting an eye at your face frozen in shock, such information being exchanged before a dinner with said friends wasn’t good for your wellbeing. “It proves my point. Even if nobody says it outwardly, it’s a known fact,”
“There are platonic friendships,” you argued, knowing it was weak, and you were also losing. However, you were standing firm that you and Heeseung were nothing more than friends, close, good friends that understood each other well. That’s it.
“Explain ‘When Harry Met Sally’,” Chaewon was actually using one of your favourite rom-coms against you, you couldn’t believe it, this was total betrayal. How could a movie with Meg Ryan and Billy Crystal be a reflection of your life? That’s far-fetched. “They didn’t like each other at first, but they eventually became friends, then realised they loved each other—not platonically,”
“Come on, that’s a movie,”
“It’s an example for your case,” Yunjin poked your shoulder, tilting her head to one side, presenting her puppy eyes to you. Unfortunately for her, you weren’t letting yourself get convinced by their crazy theories and philosophies. Standing up from the couch, you put your foot down—quite literally so.
“Guys, Heeseung and I will never be more than just friends, that’s crazy. I’m sure the others don’t share the same ideas as you two,” your laugh gradually died down when you saw the looks on their faces, telling you that your two other friends did think you and Heeseung could cross the lines of friendship. “Nevermind. Still, it’s impossible. He’s never once given me signs that he likes me that way,”
“I’d like to disagree,” Yunjin raised her hand, Chaewon following suit.
“Me too,”
You chose to dismiss them, clapping your hands together, staring down at them with your lips pressed tightly together. “Agree to disagree. And I’ll move on. My point is, we’re friends, end of story. There’s no way it’ll happen. Ever,”
“This is going to end up biting you in your ass, Y/N,” Yunjin seemed a bit more serious this time, genuine concern laced in her tone, the crinkles in between her eyebrows showed her thoughts without verbally expressing them.
“Not if nothing happens and everything stays the same. I’ll come out unscathed,” you sounded determined, though your heart and mind were the complete opposite, but you ignored them for now, uncertain how long you could continue to do so. “I’ll prove it to you that we’re just friends,”
“How?” Chaewon shared the same doubts as you did, except you were much better at hiding them.
“You’ll see,”
Coincidences were frightening. At that moment, there came a series of knocks on your door that you recognised in a matter of seconds. Your neighbours, Heeseung and Jay, were ready to leave for the scheduled dinner. They seemed to know when and how to make their presence known as usual. It would be believable if someone told you they’ve been listening behind the door all along, but you figured that’d be your nightmare that night instead of it being reality.
“Are you guys ready?”
Exchanging frantic glances, the three of you burst out laughing at the so-called ‘divine timing’. You were quick to shush them in order to lower any suspicions from the other end. Giggles were hard to stifle completely, most of which stemmed from your two giddy friends. You picked up your clutch from the coffee table, ready to run to your room to change. The other two hopped off the couch to make finishing touches to their makeup.
“Be there in a few minutes!”
Trying to ignore your friends’ claims of you and your guy best friend potentially being a thing wasn’t easy, not when he was seated next to you throughout dinner.
God damn it.
“…and that is how I secured the job. I still can’t believe it,” Jake finished his lengthy story, explaining the entire process that got him his new position at NYU. A few glasses of wine in, every one of you were far from being completely sober. Well, that was excluding Jake and Heeseung, the default duo that avoided drinking and had the responsibility of looking over the group.
“So, what’s your lesson plan?” Chaewon chewed on her piece of french fries obnoxiously, showing actual curiosity about his job while Jay and Yunjin were engrossed in refilling each others’ cups with more wine. That left you and Heeseung to yourselves, both of you had already disassociated from the earlier conversation (sorry, Jake).
“Are you okay?” Heeseung looked over at you, noting your unusual silence since the start of dinner. Normally, you would be grateful for how observant he was, that he wouldn’t miss a single chance to check in on you if he noticed something was off. This time, however, he was the last person you wished to be conversing with.
“Peachy,” you raised your wine glass at him before drinking a sip out of it, eyes widening just a fraction behind the glass. Yunjin and Chaewon truly set you up for failure by dropping a bomb on you. Now, you’re stuck trying to be normal around Heeseung with a different perspective compared to hours ago. “Just thinking,”
“About?”
You. Lee Heeseung. Honesty wasn’t always the best policy, thus you blurted out the second thing you had in mind. “‘When Harry Met Sally’,”
Heeseung blinked for a few beats, realisation gradually setting in, a breathy chuckle left his lips. He shook his head in disbelief, not understanding your craze around that movie. What did he know about the superiority of friends to lovers trope anyway? “Don’t tell me you’re on your—what—tenth rewatch?”
“It’s my twelfth, actually,” you corrected sharply, holding a finger up. You took another bigger gulp of wine when Jay filled your cup, both him and Yunjin were on the way to getting drunk from finishing nearly the entire bottom themselves. “The best romance movie made of all time, period,”
“Over ‘Grease’? ‘The Princess Bride’? Oh, ‘Dirty Dancing’? Those are our favourites,” Heeseung gasped, sounding betrayed by your choice of romance movies. You didn’t miss the hidden detail where he stressed on the movies he listed were ‘our’ favourites. Not ‘mine’, but ‘our’, as in you and I. God, you wished you were less aware of every tiny aspect about what he said or did.
“You’re only saying that because I made you watch ‘When Harry Met Sally’ ten times out of my twelve rewatches, and you’re sick of it,”
“I am sick of it,”
“But if I invited you over for the thirteenth rewatch as a movie night, you’d come, wouldn’t you?” you leaned closer to him, wearing a cheeky smile to tease him even more. He gave you one of his classic eye rolls, trying to come off as annoyed only for the grin on his lips to sell him out.
“Of course I would, you know that,” he flicked your forehead softly, pulling a humorous laugh from you. You’ve always been easily amused by him. Heeseung kept his gaze on you, hiding his smile with his glass of water which he was drinking out of.
“Y/N!” Jay semi-shouted from across the table, getting many shushes from your friends, yet his tipsy state meant he was extra shameless, so he continued to wave at you. “Let me pour you another glass!”
You slid him your almost empty wine glass, watching him pour you an obscene amount of wine. What didn’t help was you meeting Yunjin’s eyes, and you could clearly read the message she was trying to convey with a single raise of her eyebrows, alongside the slight nod to the person next to you. You had a feeling she was keeping a close watch on you the whole night.
Taking your glass back, you stared at it with an expression that could only be described as dreadful delight. Sure, you were more than happy to indulge in expensive Italian wine, but the thought of the aftermath usually pained you more than the initial pleasure. After all, you would admit being a lightweight contrary to the constant denials that you were not one. Your drinking records and history would betray you immensely.
“If you can’t drink that much, I can help,” Heeseung, your knight in shining armour, butted in to lend you a helping hand. But it wasn’t his first day knowing you. You weren’t someone who would go down without a fight. He had to learn it the hard way in the past, so if he were to give a stance on this, he chose to step away from stopping you.
“I can handle it,”
“Are you sure?”
“I’m very sure, don’t worry.”
Turns out, you couldn’t handle it, and your assurance was for nothing. The restaurant probably hated you and your friends for stumbling out, slurring incoherently, only two out of the six were visibly sober, bearing the burden to carry all of the others away from the place and into two separate cabs. The usual plan was enforced. Jake would bring Chaewon home, while Heeseung had to deal with dumb, dumber, and dumbest.
Don’t even get Heeseung started on how he managed to get the three of you up the flight of stairs in the apartment building. It was a miracle all of you were just heavily tipsy, and not full on drunk, that would be a tale for another day. He made sure Jay got into their apartment before escorting you and Yunjin back to yours. Yunjin muttered a grateful ‘thanks’ to him then disappeared into her room, which meant it was you and Heeseung together again. Alone.
“I had a fun night,” you twirled around in his arms, breaking into a song out of nowhere, the alcohol in your system visibly getting to you. The lyrics of your favourite ABBA song was being jumbled up in your mouth, Heeseung doing his utmost best to correct you as he stifled his laughter. “We should have another dinner party,”
“We will. Once everyone is sober,” he had his hand on your back, guiding you towards the couch, placing a bunch of pillows behind you. His patience was commendable. You settled into your seat, appreciating the warmth coming from his side, his shoulder pressed against yours. The comfort of his presence resembled a warm hug on a rainy day, enveloping you in constant assurance. It was something that could never get old. You leaned your head on his shoulder, snuggling closer to him.
“Remember our first trip to the beach?” You reminisced about the time when you and the others packed up for the weekend to head to the beach, courtesy of Chaewon’s aunt allowing every one of you to stay at her beach house. That trip alone was a key factor to your long lasting friendship, witnessing the highs and lows of your friends while they also watched yours, and that was barely an exaggeration.
Heeseung nodded slowly, curious to where your babbling was going. “What about it?”
“I still think about us on the beach—I meant the both of us—when we walked on the shoreline, collecting seashells. I think that is one of my favourite memories ever,” your eyelids were getting heavy, every word was uttered with whatever power left in you. Heeseung took a peek at you, smiling at your serene state.
“It’s one of mine too. I remember all the sunsets and sunrises there. It was beautiful … unforgettable,” Heeseung could go on and on about that weekend spent there, it was the first trip you and your friends took as a group, one of the most chaotic trips as well. But it also happened to be the time where Heeseung realised he viewed you differently from the rest. “I still have the picture I took of you and the sunset,”
You were partly clear-headed at that moment, stunned by the memory he brought up out of the blue. He had never once forgotten about it, neither did you. Most importantly, it was how he said it which made your heart experience sensations you hadn’t felt in a long time. This was Heeseung, your Heeseung, a friend and a brother figure, there shouldn’t be anything more than that, should it? “And I have the seashells we collected together,”
Heeseung’s expressions softened, his lips twisted into a smile full of nostalgia, recalling the memory fondly as if it had just happened a few weekends ago. If he closed his eyes tightly for a minute, he may be transported back to then. The sound of the sea waves, the smell of the salty breeze, your laughter taking space in his mind. He was grateful his face wasn’t fully in view for you to see in case his eyes turned against him. He might’ve been silent, but his gaze spoke for him. Longing and missing the absence of the burden of carrying his heavy feelings.
“Heeseung,” you called out his name, breaking the thick silence, startling him awake from his trance-like state. He twisted his neck slowly to look at you, inspecting you closely in search of any troubles. Your stoic face seemed to not give anything away.
“Hm?”
“I think I need to puke,”
The calmness behind that statement managed to evoke sheer alarm in Heeseung. He was about to jolt out of his seat when he remembered you were leaning on him. As gentle as he could, he removed your head from his shoulder, pulling you up from the couch with him, holding onto you carefully.
“Let’s do that in the bathroom, shall we?”
“I don’t think I’m drinking again, Hee,”
“You say that every time you drink,”
The urge to release all your discomfort came rushing when you regurgitated the night’s contents into the toilet bowl. You were kneeling on your bathroom floor, bent over the toilet bowl, puking in intervals, looking absolutely pathetic, all while Heeseung held onto your hair. He never complained, treating it as another night stuck with a drunk you. Now that you were much more stable than before without nausea knocking on your door little by little, you were stuck on the thought of whether your puking episode was induced by the alcohol or Heeseung as a whole.
Holding onto that thought in mind, you collapsed onto the ground from fatigue, sitting slouched against your bathroom walls, feeling ten times lighter and a million times better. Heeseung knelt before you, holding onto either side of your head as it kept lolling back. Sleep was evidently getting close to you, the fluttering of your eyelids revealed your tiredness without a doubt. You forced your eyes open, instantly staring into his, a gleeful smile involuntarily appearing on your face. If Yunjin and Chaewon saw you then, you would be a goner, your attempt to prove them wrong would be redundant.
“Why are you so good to me?”
“I don’t know how not to be. It’s easy when it’s you,” Heeseung gently pressed your cheeks together, chuckling under his breath at your mildly irritated expression. He probably thought it was due to him playfully teasing you by squeezing your face, but in actuality, you were bothered by his words, how he said them without any hesitance as though it was second nature. None of it was as casual as he made it out to be.
Heeseung’s eyes flickered, gradually recognising what had actually left his lips as it slowly settled in, causing him to clear his throat, swallowing thickly. “Because that’s what friends do,”
The changes in your microexpressions were swift, face falling with a frown etching itself into your skin, all of which were barely noticeable if not scrutinized upon, but knowing Heeseung, you had a feeling he might’ve caught onto it at first glance. You couldn’t explain the disappointment burning into your bones once you registered what he said, the cut only went deeper knowing it came personally from him, not the voices screaming in the back of your mind. Shooting you possibly hurts less.
It was what you wanted, wasn’t it? To establish you and him were purely friends and nothing more. That was the whole point of your conviction to your own friends, it would be embarrassing to go back on it. But why were you sorely unhappy when he himself claimed that you and him were friends? Till the point where it was causing you uncontrollable sorrow that you had to push his hands away, using the walls as support to get yourself off the ground.
Severely caught off guard, Heeseung tried to help you in the process of standing up, though it wasn’t much when you got on your own two feet by yourself. Great, you felt the nauseating feeling in the back of your throat returning, only this time, you were certain it was caused by Heeseung. Speaking of Heeseung, you were met with his utterly perplexed yet worried look twisted in his tired face, wordlessly begging for answers that you couldn’t seem to provide.
“It’s getting late, and you’re tired. I can manage,” you opened the bathroom door, exiting through it while still facing Heeseung, hoping you wouldn’t get betrayed by your feet while walking backwards foolishly. “See? I can walk perfectly fine—”
Scratch that.
You spoke too soon. As always. Another step taken backwards, your foot landed in an odd direction, which instantly caused you to lose your balance. Despite his exhaustion after a long night, his senses were constantly on high alert, hand flying out to grab onto your forearm, stopping you from falling back. To make things worse, he yanked onto your arm, pulling you into him without considering your frail state of mind and body, explaining your current position of your hands propped against his shoulder.
“Still clumsy,” Heeseung attempted to break the silence with a lighthearted jab, which may have backfired a little when you continued to be unresponsive, silently staring at him with your mouth slightly ajar. The proximity wasn’t helping your prior mental war with yourself either. The concoction of intoxication and incoming hormone fluctuations were actively going against you as you battled with attraction and horror. You chose to respond to the horrifications created in your mind instead of the other.
“Not a single scratch,” you removed yourself from his hold for another time that night, chuckling nervously, your breath itself was also shaky. Definitely not helping your case. “Thanks again,”
“It’s alright,” no sarcastic comments, no targeted digs at you, no usual Heeseung-like behaviour, it was purely him. Earnest and serious, another side of him that he wasn’t afraid to reveal to you.
“That’s what friends do, right? Saving each others’ asses,” you weren’t in your right mind, it was evident when you said that and proceeded to punch Heeseung lightly on his shoulder to cover up your embarrassment. Heeseung wasn’t entirely thrilled after hearing that. It could be your eyes deceiving you, but you swore there was a flash of solemnness taking over his face at one point. He had the same look as the time he got heartbroken by his cat going missing.
“Right, friends,” he repeated that word with enough sourness to make others think he had issues socialising growing up, giving people the impression that he had an agenda against friends. The air in your apartment was turning stuffy by the minute, it was practically calling for you to force windows open because you were far from breathing properly. He released a sigh under his breath, taking a step to the side, his gaze stuck to his shoes. “I think I should get going now. Wash up and sleep. There’s medicine in your bedside table if you forget,”
“See you in the morning, Hee.” you couldn’t bear to follow him to the door, it was as though your body failed to comply with your mind completely. It was your pair of eyes that went after him, closely watching his every move to the door. He spared you one last look, not even a single smile that he would usually have whenever he’s at the door or at the mention of his nickname. Just like that, he was gone, and you were there staring blankly at your door, heart dropping to your abdomen for reasons you couldn’t come to terms with.
What have you done?
“Does this match the curtains?”
You were standing in the middle of the furniture and home decor section of Bloomingdale’s with Heeseung next to you. It was conveniently a Saturday evening right before a dinner plan at your apartment with your friends, but unlike any other Saturdays, it was your birthday. As a way to celebrate, you decided to treat yourself to new additions to your apartment’s decor, not without Heeseung’s presence though. Truthfully, it was an unconventionally weird way to celebrate yourself, but Heeseung was used to it, rather desensitized if he could argue.
“Realistically, you wouldn’t even display this on the coffee table, so let’s put this down,” Heeseung grabbed the quirky-looking monkey figure from your hand to place it back at its original position. “The duck you got last year is still rotting in your kitchen drawer,”
“Didn’t need to spoil my party,” you pouted, feigning hurt in hopes for Heeseung to take his words back, but he knew you a little too well, seeing through your patterns to ignore them. Instead, he threw an arm around your shoulder, pulling you closer to his side. The sudden physical proximity had turned you frozen under his touch for a split second, eventually easing into it like how you usually would be.
Acting wasn’t your forte. You’ve known that since your first and last musical appearance as tree number four in your middle school play. But lately, you found yourself being an Oscar winning actress pretending like the usual jokes or physical touches weren’t bugging you, hiding how that entire night had been bothering you since he left your apartment. Don’t get you started on your friends. You should win a Golden Globe alongside the Oscar for convincing them nothing special happened, that he sent you home and left right after. Yeah, you wished it transpired in that precise order.
That night was an emotional scar if you would put it one way or another. It was left painfully unanswered like a telephone call, neither you nor him addressed what went down, deciding to brush past whatever it was when you called each other ‘friends’ and that stifling tension between the both of you. Everything you could recall from that particular night became a frightful memory, marking a significant change in the course of your friendship. Although none of you had said anything about it, you were sure he could feel it just as you did. But of course, you chose to stay silent in fear it would affect your friendship with him, and he most likely shared the same sentiment, doing anything just to stay safe.
Basically, it summed up your whole friendship.
“So, how does it feel turning another year older?”
“Feels like shit,” you lamented, the idea of being closer to a mid-life crisis wasn’t exactly tasteful. Growing up, birthdays weren’t your favourite time of the year (truth be told, it was Christmas). Hey, what’s really so fascinating about getting older? Cakes, candles, balloons, those looked nicer in movies or parties for your friends rather than at your own party, it didn’t feel the same when it was for you.
“Hey, we got you your favourite cherry cake from that bakery downtown, so don’t get all pessimistic about your big day,” Oh, traditions, you loved them. Since your first year in New York, you’ve always gotten the same cake for your birthday, a cherry cake glazed with chocolate, heaven introduced in your mouth. With that cherry cake and your friends, those were all you needed for your birthday. Maybe also a call from your family.
“You know I get sappy whenever it’s my birthday, I can’t help it,” you innocently shrugged, but he didn’t buy it for a second time, he was aware of your minor disdain for your own birthdays, and he has made it known that he wanted to change that. “You can help if you get me this—” you grabbed a stuffed monkey toy from the display, parading it in front of Heeseung’s face obnoxiously, your shit-eating grin wasn’t supporting your argument. “It’s speaking to me,”
“How many more monkeys do you need in your apartment?”
“I don’t think I have enough,” to be fair, you had one sad and lonely monkey related item currently residing in your kitchen, which was the monkey clock, Marvin, a treasured item you named after Marvin the Martian from the Looney Tunes. Yunjin had maternal instincts towards the wee monkey; she has made it known since it appeared in the apartment. You reckoned it needed a friend in the house. “Marvin needs a companion,”
“Marvin’s mothers should pay more attention to him instead,”
“Or Marvin’s uncle can get him a sibling? Friend, perhaps?” you were pulling out the signature sweet tone you used for convincing someone, holding back a bark of laughter at how he had enough of your measly act. “Please?” you held the monkey plushie at eye-level, covering your face with it while pleading with Heeseung. In his point of view, you were a demon with horns poking out of your head who knew what trouble you were up to exactly, utilizing your strengths of winning him over.
Like a weak bastard that he very much was, he bought you the monkey plushie. He blamed himself for caving into your pleas, knowing damn well he was going to end up complaining to your friends only for them to hit him back with ‘you couldn’t say no to her’ yet again, which always successfully shut him up.
He was a weak-willed man, what can you say? But at the same time, this man also happened to be sly, and succeeded at moving under the radar. As you yapped away to Heeseung about the affordability of groceries, what you thought was a normal walk back to your apartment was actually a hidden plan of Heeseung preparing to bring you to your surprise party at the apartment. That’s right, Lee Heeseung planned a party for you with the help of your friends. And he was not screwing it up.
Coordination was hard to achieve when it came to dealing with your friends, that was another thing Heeseung had to learn the hard way. All that turned to nothing when he saw the smile on your face once the door to your apartment ripped open, revealing your friends, colleagues and some members of your family. Those gleaming eyes of yours stared right at him, emotions swirling within them, almost in denial that everyone you loved was there for you. It didn’t take you more than a second to know he was the one behind this, you just knew, which only choked you up further when you wrapped your arms around him, heart swelling in your chest.
“Thank you.” You whispered into his ears, arms tightening around him a little more. He said nothing, rubbing his palm on your back, a soft kiss lingered similar to a ghost on the top of your head. Soon, you pulled away, his hands on your waist stayed for a beat longer, almost in a desperate attempt to hold onto you a bit more. Your touch then left as quick as it came, imprinting into his memory like an addiction that was hard to overcome. He watched as you left his side to greet the guests and thank your other friends, a slight smile resting on his lips, feeling as though you were so close yet so far.
You surrounded yourselves with your friends, doing anything but acknowledging Heeseung’s gaze from across the room, convincing yourself that it meant nothing more than what it seemed. There were a few instances where you met his eyes, exchanging brief smiles, pretending that either one of you weren’t already looking at the other in the first place. At the end of the day, you and him were friends, just friends, nothing more, or that was what you said to yourself as a reminder, especially when your heart picked up a few paces quicker around him.
‘Grateful’ wasn’t close to describing how you felt that night. Good food, great companies, amazing cake, a rich collection of gifts, maybe turning another year older wasn’t as frightening as you thought it was. By the end of the evening, with all the guests gone, your friends leaving one by one, Yunjin calling an early night, you took it upon yourself to clean the apartment up, under the condition where Heeseung would lend you a helping hand.
“I still can’t believe you were the mastermind behind all this,” you expressed your surprise that never went away since the start of the party, throwing the cloth down as you finished wiping the countertop, the last part of your strategic cleaning plan. Joining Heeseung on the couch, resting your feet on top of the coffee table, you let out a breath of relief when you relaxed your body into the soft material.
“You have that little faith in me?” he turned to give you a small frown, extracting a breathy chuckle from you.
“Heeseung, you can’t even plan a trip to the dentist,”
“Ouch?”
You grinned, keeping your eyes on him a minute more before you spoke again, letting the peaceful silence calm the crashing waves in the midst of this storm. His gaze never wandered astray, focusing on you and solely you, the intensity of it nearly got you shifting uneasily in your seat. “Thanks for tonight, Hee, I mean it. You made it less scary to turn older,”
“I’m glad then,” there was a visible sign of relief flushing across his entire body, the time he spent planning hadn’t gone to waste. Everything had indeed worked out according to his favour, and getting to see you smile so widely during the cutting of your cake was the best part of it.
“I still haven’t got my present from you,”
“I know. I was hoping you’d ask me to stay,”
“You know I’ll always ask you to stay,”
One thing you didn’t manage to fathom then was the weight of your words and the consequences they carried. It might’ve been said carelessly and casually, but you meant it—deeply. A fraction of Heeseung’s smile faltered, an equal amount of realisation dawning on him, which was eventually deflected by resorting to a swift grab of your present from under the coffee table. A small box was presented to you in the palm of his hands, a red ribbon tied around it with a handwritten birthday card. His scribbly handwriting was distinct, you recognised it at once.
“Open it,” he egged you on, anticipating your reaction, an excited glint to his irises that sparked your curiosity. You shushed him for urging you, then settled into your own pace by unknotting the ribbon and opening the box slowly, your own expectations getting to you. Luckily, you were far from disappointed. On the contrary, you were taken aback from his choice of gift.
The content of the box revealed itself to be a gleaming silver chain with a small heart pendant. To others, it might seem like a typical birthday present, but you knew better. It wasn’t any ordinary necklace, you recognised it in a heartbeat, it was the one on display that you stopped to stare when you waited for Heeseung. You thought he hadn’t noticed that day, the two of you embarked on your walk as though you weren’t staring at the necklace through the shop window for at least five minutes.
“Really?” you gasped, eyes flitting between him and the necklace in your hands, wondering whether it was truly in your possession. You didn’t know which surprised you more, getting a piece of jewellery that you dreamt of or Heeseung paying attention to every minor detail when it came to you. You set the box down, pulling him into a hug without thinking twice. “You knew,”
“I saw you that day. You were looming around the window, staring at that particular necklace. I had a feeling you wouldn’t get it after you pretended not to care when I showed up,” you chuckled mainly out of embarrassment at how Heeseung read you to filth. That’s what you get for having a best friend. “I went back the next day and bought it. Thought it was out of a whim, I didn’t know how or when to give it to you, so I saved it for your birthday,”
He bought it with you in mind the entire time. One thing’s certain, you were touched, and very much emotional. He had successfully gotten you in your feels, but also simultaneously confused. Was this something friends do, you thought to yourself. You pulled away from him, arms still wrapped around his neck, the intimacy in this wasn’t expressed, but it was certainly felt and understood between you and him. “Thank you,”
“You’re welcome. I hope you like it,”
“I love it.” It wasn’t an extravagant piece, it was just right, something that screamed ‘you’. You were scared to pick it up and take it out of the box, admiring it just as you did at that shop window. Like always, Heeseung noticed every little shift in your demeanor, sensing your hesitance at once. He took the box from your hold, removing the delicate necklace from its position. One lift of his eyebrows conveyed an adequate message for you to turn around, sweeping your hair to the other shoulder, unintentionally holding your breath while you waited.
The cold chain sent small chills all over your body when it touched your skin, the sensation soon overpowered by the feeling of his fingers grazing against the back of neck as he fiddled with the clasp. His lackluster attempt was painful to endure, you had to grit your teeth while pretending it wasn’t bothering you, that none of this meant anything beyond the lines of friendship. That his act of buying you the necklace and putting it on you weren’t something for you to read into.
Suddenly, the heart pendant hanging on the necklace weighed heavier around your neck. While you tossed around in bed, all you could think of was Heeseung and the emotions stirred internally whenever you were around him, most of which you pushed down and prayed against. What more was needed for you to listen to your heart when he quite literally gave you his heart first? That necklace was him blatantly handing you his fragile heart, and you were cursed with the responsibility of carrying it with you all the time.
“You’re kidding me,”
Nothing was more comforting than a warm cup of coffee at your favourite coffee house the morning after. Then again, your peace was routinely ruined by your two preying best friends. Yunjin and Chaewon never wasted a second more to square down on you and attack like a hawk, edging you to the side of the sofa as you held onto your mug out of fear.
“He got you the necklace you’ve been eyeing for months,” Yunjin was eye-levelled with the necklace sitting on your chest, in between gawking and shocked, mostly unable to comprehend the layers of this situation. “And you never told him. He just did it because he wanted to,”
“I’m sick of the two of you circling each other!” Chaewon groaned, punching the pillows with pure frustration that wasn’t fueled by caffeine, gaining several customers’ attention. Her tiredness regarding this topic about you and Heeseung was equally shared by Yunjin, both girls stared at you with an unmistakable question splattered over their faces: ‘what are you going to do now?’
“We’re not. It’s nothing,” you muttered into your cup of coffee, avoiding every confrontation as though it were a plague chasing you. Each time you did so, you started to realise the walls were getting brittle and breaking down, that you could no longer say you and Heeseung were nothing with full confidence. Because frankly, you were beginning to doubt even yourself.
“If you’re really not into Heeseung, then prove it. Go on a double date,” Yunjin officially stood her ground, beyond being annoyed with her two best friends that were so obviously in love with each other till the point where it got suffocating, and everyone around them knew except for themselves. How did Cupid handle the stress of setting people up when she couldn’t bear seeing her two stupidly in love friends? Yunjin seriously considered if this would be worth it, but once her mind strayed to the thought of a wedding, she figured it might be.
“Where are you getting a double date for us anyway? Besides, it’s not going to work. We had double dates before, and I felt nothing seeing him with somebody else,”
“That was the past. We’re talking about now, Y/N. You can fool yourself by thinking you feel nothing for him, but we know better, your heart knows better,” Chaewon added, offering her two cents, earning Yunjin’s nod of approval. You scoffed, finding your friends a little too ridiculous for taking their methods up a notch.
“I already have your and Heeseung’s matches. They’re my friends from work. Jungwon and Wonyoung, remember? You met them at my party last summer,” Yunjin rubbed her hands, reminding you of those evil masterminds, the eager grin only convinced you of her secret plotting. Oh, this was definitely discussed with the rest of your friends without you nor Heeseung’s knowledge. How evil of them.
“I remember,”
“Great! I’ll set a dinner date this Saturday. Seven, at that Italian restaurant we always go to. How’s that?” Yunjin clapped, leg shaking out of sheer enthusiasm.
“Sounds good. I’ll show you—all of you—that I have no feelings for Lee Heeseung whatsoever. It’ll be another successful double date, I’m sure.”
Define ‘successful’.
If sitting opposite to Heeseung and his date who were overly engrossed with each other and being stuck with an awkward partner was deemed successful, then you’d consider yourself lucky.
Dinner started off eventful. A typical ice breaker was introduced to get to know one another, discovering everyone clicked pretty well, which tricked you into thinking it’d go well, but it seemed to plummet like a landslide. Jungwon was a nice guy, you’d admit it. Other than a handful of conversations exchanged, there was nothing much to your interactions with him, so you surrendered quickly, admitting to feeling absolutely no spark whatsoever. You figured he got the memo, likely sharing the same sentiment as you did as the two of you ate your respective pasta with a tinge of depression watching the other couple hit it off better in comparison.
“Y/N, how long have you known Heeseung?” Wonyoung was sweet, a princess even, and that wasn’t an exaggeration. You wouldn’t be surprised if Heeseung was actually enamoured with her at first sight. She was the epitome of perfection as a human. Smart and charming, she carried the night’s conversations with ease.
“A few years now, since I moved to New York,”
“So, you guys must be close, huh?”
You paused, hesitation stopping you when you briefly met his eyes, a first after a long time since the night began, realising you hadn’t talked to each other at all. You didn’t address it mentally, but you were sure it was a way of you avoiding him, isolating him unintentionally. Turning your attention back to Wonyoung, you forced a smile. “Yeah, we are,”
“She’s my neighbour, that’s how we first met,” Heeseung chimed in, bringing back a fond memory of yours. The first day you moved to the big city would always be something you held close to your heart. “I offered her a slice of pizza but she thought I was some sleazebag,”
That got a collective laughter from each of you. You shook your head, a faint smile ghosted your lips, reminiscing the moment that felt almost as though it had just happened a day prior. Wonyoung, on the other hand, seemed to be thoroughly amused by Heeseung, giggling a little harder than most while placing a hand on his forearm. “Which place did you get the pizza from? Not the one downtown, right?”
“Oh, no, never. I go to Joe’s Pizza all the time,”
“I love Joe’s! The pepperoni slice is a classic,”
“You get it!”
Pizza has continuously become the bane of your existence. A dough with cheese and some stupid toppings was enough to spark a heated conversation between Heeseung and Wonyoung, entrapping them in their own bubble for another time that night. What an eye sore. Jungwon turned to you, an unmistakable mix of pity and boredom in his face was recognised by you in an instant. Still, like the sweet guy he was, he tried to strike up a conversation.
“What’s your favourite movie?”
Thank God for a question you could have a passionate debate over. You beamed visibly, spine straightened with a thrilled grin, the only and obvious answer sitting on the tip of your tongue. “‘When Harry Met Sally’,”
Jungwon snapped his fingers eagerly, nodding in mutual agreement. At least there was one person who could agree on your choice of movie. “Good choice, Meg Ryan was fantastic in it. One of the best rom-coms of all time,”
You placed a hand on your chest, a little dramatically if you may add. “I appreciate you saying that. I agree,”
“I don’t mean to eavesdrop, but can I add something to this discussion?” Wonyoung interrupted, brushing some hair behind her ear. You held your tongue, fixing a practiced smile as a green light for her to continue. “I don’t understand the craze around that movie, I think there are better rom-coms out there,”
“Finally! Someone understands,” Heeseung laughed, throwing his hands up with a degree of satisfaction knowing there was another person out there who shared his dislike over your favourite movie. This only annoyed you further. Seeing him and Wonyoung getting along better than anticipated had gotten to your nerves initially, but hearing the two of them slander your favourite movie was close to crossing the line. To rub salt into your wound, Heeseung was completely aware about how the movie was your go-to every time. After all, he was there for most of your rewatches, seeing you laugh and cry to your favourite rom-com.
“It has beautiful shots, wonderful acting, amazing actors, an emotional plot, what more can you get?” Jungwon was standing his ground, which you learnt to admire. Now you know who to call for your next rewatch instead of Heeseung.
“I just don’t think best friends can fall in love after twelve years. That’s too long! It’s basically platonic at that point,” Wonyoung argued.
“Best friends can and do fall in love—” you started, finding the words tumbling out of you from sheer agitation, trying to present your point rather impulsively without thinking straight. Your eyes averted to Heeseung, just to discover him already staring at you in the first place, causing your throat to tighten up all of a sudden. “Regardless of time, it just … happens,” you faltered, realisation slowly dawning on you.
Your friends were right. ‘When Harry Met Sally’ was a guide this entire time, leading you to finally recognise your own feelings before it was too late. But you were indeed too late. You’ve wasted your time circling around the truth, afraid of facing it, until you were left to deal with the consequences. Here you were, watching him falling for someone else.
The table fell silent. You looked away from Heeseung, clearing your throat, putting on your millionth uncomfortable smile for the night. Well, you were always known for acting without thinking, or in this case, speaking without thinking, as you didn’t consider the gravity of hinting yourself potentially being in love with your best friend. A normal Saturday dinner, eh?
“How about dessert?”
If you had to go through another double date in the future, you’d rather swear off love than experience something similar again. In the restaurant’s restroom, standing before the mirror, you hoped the contents in your stomach wouldn’t be flushed down the toilet bowl by the end of the night. The thought of you being in love with Heeseung was close to sending you into a shock, coming to terms with it in the middle of dinner reasonably made things worse for you. Was this a sign to move to the countryside?
“You’re really lucky,” Wonyoung’s voice startled you out of your daze, her figure appearing next to you, washing her hands meticulously. That was very on brand of her, you expected no less. “It’s rare to have a friendship like that—you and Heeseung. I can tell that you care about each other a lot,”
“We do,”
“I should be thankful for Yunjin since she set this whole thing up. He’s a really good guy,”
You nodded, swallowing a growing lump in your throat, a prickling sensation growing stronger in your eyes. At that point, you could only utter a string of words, feeling overwhelmed with helplessness. “Yeah, he is. That’s Heeseung.”
Should you be thankful that dinner’s ended and the night was over after a dreadful long wait? You parted ways with Heeseung and Wonyoung, following Jungwon to his car as he insisted on dropping you home. The walk there was suffocating, a couple of small talks scattered here and there, neither one of you had the heart to expand anymore knowing it was leading to nowhere. All you could think of then was what the other couple would be up to. Was he bringing her to his favourite spot? Was he just dropping her off and leaving immediately? Endless possibilities followed by more overthinking.
“You’re in love with him, aren’t you?” Jungwon broke the silence with a question that pierced through you like the sharpest knife. What a conversation starter. You had a feeling he was more than what you assumed him to be. You came to a stop in the middle of the sidewalk, looking at him with an expression that gave off the impression of you being scandalized.
“Is it that obvious?”
“Yes,” there was barely any sugarcoating, he was straight to the point. The truth was deemed to be both beneficial and harmful to you in your weak and fragile state. “I have eyes, Y/N. I can see the way you look at him, and how you look at him when you think nobody’s watching,”
You were caught absolutely red handed, a big flashy spotlight pointed on you, telling the world that you’re fully guilty of being in love with your best friend. If a date that you’ve known for a few hours could see right through you, you couldn’t imagine what your friends had to deal with. Now you felt apologetic to them. “I guess I am,” you had nowhere to hide, what could you lose by being transparent with your date? “But I think I lost him,”
“If there’s one thing ‘When Harry Met Sally’ proved, it’s that you’re never too late,” Jungwon patted your arm in weak reassurance. “Or you can wait another ten years,”
You swatted at his hand, snorting lightheartedly. Rolling your eyes, you started walking again, letting him catch up to you.
“Oh, shut it. Drive me home.”
Was it bad to admit that you’ve been praying for the downfall of Heeseung’s relationship with Wonyoung? Apparently some DIY spell you got from Chaewon’s witch friend failed horrendously when the both of them showed up to dinner hosted by Yunjin at your own apartment. Maybe it was the one ingredient you swapped out that caused this.
This was the first time Heeseung brought her over. None of you had expected this. After your horrendous double date experience, Heeseung made it known that he was seeing her further, but no labels were established for now. You’ve been keeping your distance from him, convincing yourself you shouldn’t be close to a guy friend that had a potential girlfriend out of respect. However, deep down, you knew the truth that it was only because you wanted to avoid getting hurt less.
“What do you think about Wonyoung?” you whispered to Yunjin as you helped her prepare the dishes in the kitchen. Jake, Jay and Chaewon were loitering in the living room with the couple, overly invested in Wonyoung’s stories. It was the first time you had some privacy since the two of them arrived. She was introduced to the others, sparking a conversation soon after, successfully charming them as a result. It was no question she had won them over in a snap of a finger.
“I think she’s great. Really funny and smart,” Yunjin was focused on assembling the lasagna to commit to a sudden discussion about her work friend, her hands were full with bolognese sauce and bechamel, she didn’t have more space for your feelings. “There’s a reason why I set her up with Heeseung, I thought they’d be a match, and I was right. Sorry about Jungwon though, he’s not usually that shy,”
“I figured,” you mumbled, recalling the journey back home consisted of him explaining to you how he didn’t want a relationship since he had freshly broken up with his girlfriend. What was the luck between you and men that weren’t over their exes? At least he bought you some ice cream on the way home, and also accepted your invite to a ‘When Harry Met Sally’ movie night. A new friend gained wasn’t a complete loss. “But seriously, what do you think of them together?”
“I think … it’s alright? Gosh, I don’t know, Y/N. It’s too early to know, I can’t tell if they will or will not work out,” Yunjin gave a truthful answer to your question, but it wasn’t one that you wanted. She narrowed her eyes at you with a tinge of suspicion. “Why?”
“It’s nothing,”
“Don’t start, Y/N,” Yunjin sighed, walking over to the sink to wash the mess on her hands, in preparation to deal with your mess. She popped the lasagna into the oven, a hand propped on her hip, staring at you with an unhappy frown. “You told me nothing happened that night. You said you didn’t want to talk about it. So, why now?”
“Because I realised I am in love with him,”
“Oh,” Yunjin exhaled, blinking robotically at you, losing her grip on her hip. Stunned might be an understatement, a total opposite of a reaction you’d expected from her. Horrified would probably be a better description of how she looked gawking at you, nothing seemed to come from her mouth. “When? When … did you realise?”
“That night at the restaurant. I suppose you’re right all along,” your revelation didn’t help Yunjin’s case either, her jaw significantly dropping more. She hand flew to her temples, rubbing them with creases deepening between her eyebrows. “I thought I was fine, but when I saw him with her, I … felt it in my heart for the first time. Heartbreak. Your plan worked,”
“I didn’t mean to—”
“I know, Jen, I’m not putting the blame on anybody. It’s my fault. Just mine,” you rested your back against the wall, your hand hidden behind your back as it twisted into a fist. “Don’t worry, I’m not going to do anything. If Heeseung’s happy now, it’s fine. You know how unlucky he is with dates,”
The initial frustration worn off entirely, soon replaced with sadness in Yunjin’s eyes, her face slackened, shoulders sagging. She slowly approached you, arms extending towards you. “Y/N—”
You caught onto them, giving her your best smile, thinking it could assure her, but you had a feeling it turned out slanted and half-hearted. On your best days, you could be an award winning actress for pretending you weren’t hurt. This wasn’t one of those days, unfortunately. “Let’s start dinner.”
Lasagna couldn’t cheer you up. Neither could Yunjin’s signature pasta pull a decent smile from you. You blended into the background throughout dinner, offering nothing but several chuckles and nods, keeping your eyes away from your source of demise. There were a few occasions where you felt his eyes lingering on you, it didn’t help that they lasted for more than an appropriate amount of time, pleading for you to respond to him in any way possible. Resisting him was hard.
Safe to say, you survived dinner and the dessert after. You owed it to the many rounds of red wine from the bottle Jake brought. Heeseung left the apartment with Wonyoung to walk her down to her cab, which left the apartment to you and your friends to tidy while also discussing whatever’s gathered in everyone’s minds for the entirety of the night. It was a common debriefing ritual you and your friends had once a new partner was introduced.
“Wonyoung’s amazing,” Jay shared, starting the discussion as he picked up the plates to hand them to Yunjin.
“Are you saying that because you actually think so or it’s because she’s pretty?” Chaewon pointed the dishwand accusingly at Jay, soap flowing down the handle.
“Do you really think I’m that shallow—nevermind, don’t answer that,” he stopped her at the moment she opened her mouth to retort, realising he was never a match for her and her quippishness. “Still, I think she’s wonderful. She can mimic a bird’s cry. How fun is that?”
The others let out a chorus of agreement. Yunjin, in particular, glanced at you warily, visibly distressed and worried about both your mental and physical states. You said nothing, continuing with your task of storing the dishes, which you held back from smashing. Note to self, you needed a better outlet for getting rid of pent up emotions.
“Y/N, are you okay? You’ve been very distant since the start of dinner,” Jake took the plate from your hand to store it on your behalf. He closed the cupboard door, pulled your hand to lead you away and sat you on the couch. You weren’t surprised Jake had caught onto you from the get-go. He was always smart, even emotionally. The rest of your friends soon swarmed the area, waiting for you to pour out your anguish.
“I’m not feeling well, that’s all,” you were running away yet again. Scared, terrified to go anywhere near being vulnerable in front of your closest friends, stripped bare to admit you were in love with one of them while hoping it wouldn’t change anything.
“Y/N,” Yunjin’s tone was hard, stern almost, with a tinge of disappointment as though she couldn’t believe you were trying to escape from your own feelings, something everyone there was familiar with. Your name was spewed out in a way where she was begging you to face the very thing you avoided till you were forced to face. To your dismay, this puts you on the spot with many eyes staring at you in confusion.
“Fine,” that was a response directed to Yunjin, you had your eyes locked with hers before scanning the circle created around you. Each of them were waiting for your next word. It was either this or letting the truth eat you alive. “I’m in love with Heeseung,”
What was expected to be an explosive reaction turned out to be … nothing? Jay, Jake and Chaewon all looked at one another, exchanging glances with Yunjin as well, then every one of their heads spun to focus on you. It felt like there were stage lights shining on you, your friends being the audience, and you, maybe a clown. The seconds stretched on for what seemed like forever as silence ensued.
“We know,” Jay broke the stiff atmosphere. You—mildly confused, whereas understanding and relief washed over your friends. They started laughing, rejoicing and high-fiving each other. If you didn’t know better, you would’ve assumed they won a price instead.
“Should I be shocked that you guys were in on this the whole time?”
“Yunjin and I already told you, didn’t we? We’ve all been waiting for one of you to break,” Chaewon clapped gleefully, her voice going another pitch higher from pure excitement.
“And it had to be me,” you mumbled, the thought of your feelings potentially being one sided was soul crushing. After your friends convinced you that it was mutual, your expectations were sky high, and you were not ready for them to be crushed.
“Heeseung will come around,” Jake threw out a futile assurance. You winced at that, giving him a display of your pained frown.
“He’s seeing someone now—Wonyoung, who you all love. I can’t ruin that, you guys know that,”
“We do,” Yunjin moved from her position to sit next to you, laying her head on your shoulder. You held onto her arm, squeezing it for a silent ‘thank you’ for the times she stuck by you. “No matter what happens, we’ll be here for you,”
There came another chorus of shared support from your friends who huddled around you. Their energy had given you a shred of hope, bringing a smile to your face for the first time in a while that night, a little more positive that nothing would completely change in the dynamics of your friend group. That was once proven as per Yunjin and Chaewon with their confessions of messing around with the other two men in the group.
“Wait,” Jake stood up, interrupting the current emotional mood. The room fell into another round of silence. “I hate to ruin our little moment, but I think Heeseung’s coming,”
The mention of his name caused every one of them to turn to you, panic arising almost in an instant. You could only stare back, downfounded and powerless. It’s not like they could expect you to profess your love to Heeseung just because you disclosed it to them. “What do I do?”
“Talk to him,” Yunjin suggested the obvious solution, not that it helped or made it any better.
“But I’ve been avoiding him!” you forgot about that part, guilt began to crawl into your system at the memories of you evidently dodging him. Everything that went down with the date gave you the heebie-jeebies, how you shunned him, and dropped a lowkey hint of being in love with your best friend, a.k.a., him! It would be impossible for him to not realise your absence. He’s good at catching onto tiny details.
“That’s our cue to leave you and him alone. Just talk! You always talked to him. It’s Heeseung, just Heeseung,” that’s the problem. It’s Heeseung, your best friend. It’s not an everyday activity for someone to come to the conclusion of liking their best friend romantically and profess their love for them.
Chaewon ushered the others to get to their feet, pushing them towards Yunjin’s room as a site of hideout now that it was too late for them to leave. You couldn’t tell if you were hearing the sound of Heeseung’s footsteps approaching or if you were mistaking it for your own heartbeat thundering in your ears. The noises of keys jangling and the door unlocking that followed after were unmistakable.
“Shit, he’s here,” that was what you last heard from Chaewon before she shoved Jay and his nosy-self into the room, slamming the door shut just in time for Heeseung to enter the threshold. He stopped at the sight of you in the middle of an empty apartment, looking at you with a sense of disbelief that it was truly you who was standing in front of him.
“Hi,” you said quietly, arms sticking close to your sides, afraid of moving or taking a step forward. Heeseung placed his keys on the counter, but stayed in his original position by the door.
“Hey,” he began, still not closing the space between you and him. When did it become this awkward to be around him? You felt like an alien who newly landed on Earth, interacting with the first human you came across, the situation was that extreme. It was easy for you to be around Heeseung, but you couldn’t say the same this time. “Where are the others?”
“They went over to yours. Jay needed help on something, I don’t know what it is,” you should be awarded for not crumbling under pressure. The lie flew out of your mouth in a natural manner. Heeseung didn’t suspect it, going along with your white lie.
“How was dinner?”
“It was okay,”
“You were quiet the entire time,”
“I’m not feeling well,”
“Sick?”
“Not in the mood,”
Heeseung slipped his hands into the pockets of his pants, nodding his head silently, lips pressed tightly together. He wasn’t letting any of his reactions show, purposely holding them back. You couldn’t figure out where this was heading, neither did he. “What do you think of Wonyoung?”
There it was. The golden question. You’ve been waiting for it, thinking if you got to steer clear of Heeseung, you’d never have to hear it. Predictions weren’t correct all the time. You knew he would eventually pop the question to you when you’re the only one in the group who has yet to express approval of Wonyoung. It just had to be at this moment.
“She’s alright,”
His nostrils flared, eyebrows twitching out of habit. His patience was wearing thin, the initial annoyance you sensed since he entered the room intensified. “That’s it? That’s all you’ve got to say after weeks of avoiding me? Two word answers?”
“What do you want me to say?”
“The truth!” Heeseung raised his voice, footsteps heavy on the ground as he crossed the room towards you, stopping behind the couch, standing opposite you with it as a barrier in the middle. What his eyes reflected contradicted his anger. Sadness and desperation made up most of them. They searched for yours, seeking for answers and reasons as to why you were acting out of character.
“I don’t think she’s good for you,”
“Why?”
“Just … just because,”
“That’s not an answer, Y/N,”
What other answer could you give that wouldn’t sound like you were the villain in his story trying to break him and his love interest up? Every possible narrative couldn’t and wouldn’t work, not for you anyway.
“I know you,”
“And what do you know about what’s good for me?” Heeseung demanded, the hurt in his voice was evident, punctuating your heart like a stake, beating you down to depths lower than where you already were. “You don’t get to say that,”
“That’s not fair,”
“She’s a good person, Y/N. I think I deserve that at least,”
You swallowed, not expecting the truth to be thrown directly into your face by the person you were scared to hear it from. It was real, your nightmare of losing him due to your mistakes was coming to life right before you, reminding you that you were far too late. “You’re right. You deserve every bit of it, Heeseung,” his name tasted foreign on your tongue, no more nicknames or the hidden love that came with it, just stale integrity. “I wish you nothing but happiness,”
You didn’t try to hide the shakiness in your voice, nor the tears building up that you were doing your best to blink away. The tightness in your throat took away your speech, losing the ability to speak beyond that. You were being selfish, and you were getting punished for that along with your foolishness for your ignorance to your feelings.
“Thank you.” he forced through his teeth with enough finality to know this was the last thing he’d say to you that night. You couldn’t bring yourself to reply, mouth opening for a moment just for nothing to follow through, using most of your willpower to hold your tears back instead. He shook his head, a visible sign of disappointment at you losing the strength to fight for whatever this situation of being more friends but less than lovers was between you and him.
Heeseung took a full look at you for a little longer, his shielded gaze never left your teary one, as though he himself was afraid of letting you go. That was when he knew he had to leave or else he would end up staying like how he always did. He turned his back on you, heading for the door and picking up his copy of the key along the way. There was a few seconds where he stalled at the door, hand on the doorknob, breathing heavily.
Hope wasn’t a powerful tool for you to keep him longer. He was leaving, and there was nothing you could do to stop him, or reverse the pain you’ve caused. Heeseung turned the doorknob and left with the door slamming behind him, leaving you stranded alone to pick up the pieces of your heart. Punching you or hurling insults might’ve hurt less compared to this.
You didn’t register your emotions until the floodgates came pouring down your cheeks, knees becoming weaker as you found yourself losing balance. The entire exchange had wrecked you out of consciousness, unaware of your friends slowly making their way out of Yunjin’s room, listening in on the mess that went down moments ago. The embarrassment doubled, but you were too busy crying to care. You melted into their arms as they surrounded you to console you, and it reminded you of the exact time you cried into their embrace when your first boyfriend in New York broke up with you. Never in a million years you would predict doing the same for one of your best friends.
Almost was never enough. You were a step too late, and a step over the line.
90 days.
That was how long since you’ve last spoken to Heeseung. Back in the day, three hours was the longest gap you went without speaking to him, not three months. Besides the occasional greetings in the hallway or bumping into each other at the coffee shop, neither of you sparked a full conversation. As a result of your fight, it had tremendously affected your friends who became collateral damage in the midst of it. The best way to simplify the dynamic of your friend group at the current moment was them taking turns to hang out with either of you. Pathetic, wasn’t it?
In some sick twisted way to get you out of your slump, Yunjin introduced you to her other, much senior colleague, Jeon Jungkook. If only you weren’t simultaneously so infatuated and heartbroken over your friend, you would’ve had your heart set on him. Unfortunately, that’s not how feelings worked. You were honest about it to Jungkook since your first meeting with him, and being the sweetheart he was, he understood. That didn’t stop you from being friends with him. He was probably the second closest friend you’ve hung out with besides your own friends.
October 31st rolled around, a monumental day for you and your friends who loved the arts of costumes and throwing parties. Yunjin and Chaewon chose to host this year’s Halloween party at your apartment. A special addition to the party was a costume contest, where the winner gets a hundred dollar prize reward. Perhaps Jungkook appeared in your life at the perfect timing.
“Do I have to wear a blond wig for this?” Jungkook held up the wig you got for him reluctantly after he agreed to be the Fred to your Daphne from Scooby Doo.
“It’s too late to go back on your word now,” you tossed him your ginger wig. He wasn’t in on this alone anyway. You left him sulking on the couch to join Yunjin and Chaewon, both of whom were busy preparing in the kitchen.
“Fred and Daphne?” Yunjin laughed at your choice of characters, earning a firm slap on her shoulder from you. You didn’t wrack your brain day and night for nothing, it was a good and safe option to go for in your defense.
“It’s cute. I aim to be the best dressed tonight,”
“Do I have your permission to flirt with your date?” Chaewon slid up next to you, finally daring to ask the question she’s been holding back since forever. You had a feeling she was eyeing him from the moment you confirmed he was just a friend.
“By all means, have a go,”
“Hey, you know Heeseung will be at the party tonight, right? Just a heads up,” Yunjin wasn’t laughing anymore, her tone both serious and solemn. You couldn’t blame her nor your friends for being exhausted of you and Heeseung’s strained friendship, having to adapt to that and a new routine now that you were avoiding each other. “I’m quite sick of this, you know that? You guys are so childish! Instead of saying sorry, you chose to not talk for three months,”
She had a point. You hated that.
“It’s complicated,”
“It’s always been complicated between you and Heeseung. How about this? Make it less complicated and apologise to him first. I still remember you crying and feeling guilty about what went down that night,”
“You didn’t have to call me out directly, I got it,” you grumbled at the memory you cringed at every time Yunjin brought it up as a defence mechanism. Yes, you regretted your behaviour, half remorseful for the things you’ve said, but it wasn’t a common practice for you to apologise first. Whenever you and Heeseung had a fight, it was down to two things: Heeseung apologising first or the both of you sweeping past it. This time, however, both seemed undoable. To muster the courage for you to confront him and apologise, it took time. Maybe a bit too long. “I’ll see what I can do tonight.”
Trying to distract yourself from your anxiety by helping Yunjin and Chaewon serve refreshments dressed in a full Daphne costume was the least effective method to ease stress. With every guest walking past your door, your heart skipped a beat hoping the next one would be him. Your friends’ costumes at the very least got a smile and some laughter out of you. Jay and Jake were dressed as members from the rock band, KISS; Yunjin decided to go all out and paint herself blue as Smurfette, matching blonde wigs with Jungkook; Chaewon, with the assistance of you and Yunjin, stuffed herself into a latex catwoman suit which took almost half-an-hour to get into. It wasn’t a dull Halloween after all.
“Need help?” Jungkook took the platter of refreshments from you, giving you no room to argue. You smiled at him as a wordless ‘thank you’, coming at the right time to save you from any more small talks.
“My Fred in shining armour, or shining blond wig?” you giggled, reaching your hand forward to touch his wig, the coarseness of it proved the reason why it was only three dollars. He swatted at your hand, rolling his eyes at your endless teasing.
“I think I actually look good in it, thank you very much,” he dismissed your snark comment easily, you forgot he had a swollen ego in the first place. He pulled onto your arm, urging you to follow him as he served refreshments on your behalf. “You’re waiting for him, aren’t you?”
“What?”
“Don’t pretend. I see the sadness in your eyes, Y/N,” Jungkook had talents of looking through your bullshit on par with Yunjin. There was no point fighting what was true, you chose to silently nod. “Speak to him tonight, please, for your sake, for his and your friends’ sake. Even for me! You’ve been keeping that apology in you for months, it’s time for you to tell him,”
“Is it really a good time to do so?”
“There’s never a perfect time. It’s now or never. I know it’s been eating you up, Y/N. Do this for yourself,”
You considered Jungkook’s advice deeply. He wasn’t wrong, he never was, it came with his perfect traits. You were quite frankly done with running away, even if you were chasing pavements, an apology wouldn’t hurt to settle the troubles in your heart, it might even help you take another step from the position you were stuck in. You patted his shoulder in earnest appreciation. Jungkook could just cement his place to be your crime solving buddy, or in this context, a problem solving buddy.
“Care for a drink?” Chaewon swept in at the right moment with a couple glasses of homemade martinis. It was your cue to leave, not without one of her signature martini though. You took one last look at your two friends, knowing Chaewon would soon work her magic on an oblivious Jungkook, then you made your way to the balcony, in dire need of some air and time alone.
You listened to the sound of New York traffic, taking small sips from your martini, overlooking the skyline of the city. The part which stings the most was coming to the realisation that you and Heeseung would often occupy this exact spot any time a party was thrown at your apartment. Whenever the space got stuffy and too many guests were present, the two of you would run to the balcony, have a few cigarettes, drink, and talk. You wouldn’t notice the party had ended by the time you and him were done with your hide out. Now, there was another party that you’ve successfully escaped, except he wasn’t beside you like how it was supposed to be.
“Missing trick or treat?”
Your blood nearly ran cold at the voice coming from behind you. One hand holding tightly onto your glass, the other gripping onto the ledge of the balcony in case your legs failed you. You didn’t need to confirm the owner of the voice, having heard it for just about every day for years on end.
“I think I’m too old for that now,” you felt the familiar warmth belonging to the only person you’ve dreaded all night joining your side, a safe distance was still maintained between you and him.
“You’re never too old for anything,”
“Touche,” you looked over at Heeseung, stifling your laughter when you saw his costume. A classic black tuxedo paired with a bow tie around his neck, hair slicked back, a sleek metallic watch around his wrist, a ridiculously looking toy gun as a prop in his hand. You would be lying to yourself if you didn’t admit how handsome he was despite being in costume. “James Bond. You weren’t kidding when you said that’s your costume this year,”
“I was never kidding,”
“I’m guessing Sean Connery’s James Bond?”
“One and only,” he stood up straight to display the excellence of his costume, giving you a playful 180 look just so you could see the entirety of his suit, at last posing with the gun as a cherry on top. It was impossible not to laugh when he’s trying this hard to get into character. “You think Daphne can assist James Bond in solving crimes?”
“I think Daphne’s going to stick to solving mysteries, not track down criminals or assassins,”
“I saw Fred inside. Your date, I assume,”
“My friend,” you corrected consciously, noting the mild hostility when he mentioned Jungkook. You simply couldn’t fathom the idea of Heeseung being threatened by another man.
“You’ve been hanging with him a lot,”
“What is it to you?” you snapped, harsher than you intended to, immediately feeling guilty. You couldn’t shake off the sense that he’s trying to get back at you in some unexplainable way.
“Nothing,” you knew he was lying, seeing him clenching his jaw right after saying that had given him away. Time and time again, he underestimated how well you understood him and his little quirks.
“Where’s your date then, Bond? Where’s the famous Bond girl? ”
Heeseung stared off into the city, a quiet but audible sigh leaving his lips before he said anything. Clearly, there was trouble in paradise. You wanted to take your words back, worried it might’ve crossed another line, but he beat you to it with an answer. “She’s at her place,”
He didn’t expand beyond that simple reasoning, making it much more suspicious than it should be. You didn’t pry, and accepted it with a nod. You assumed she wasn’t a big fan of parties, or at least Halloween, not that you would judge. You let the silence sit longer than it’s supposed to, the traffic in the background filling the gaps in between. It was now or never, before the damage became irreversible.
“I’m sorry for that night. I was out of line. I do think she’s brilliant, and I want you to be happy,” you turned to look at him, but as always, he was already staring at you in the first place. The martini was no help in suppressing your emotions. If anything, it was amplifying them. You could feel tears welling up at the edge of your eyes. “I mean it. I hate that we’re not talking, and I hate the thought of losing you more,”
Heeseung wet his lips, hanging his head, chest rising and falling erratically. He glanced up after a pause, nodding slowly, a tight-lipped smile appearing. “Thank you,” he meant it this time, genuine, but also stiff and restricted. “You’re never going to lose me, Y/N,”
“Truce?”
“Truce,” he drank out of his glass of martini, returning his attention back to the view of the city, but you kept yours on him, not that he mind. “Here we are again, bailing on a party,”
“Some things never change, do they?” you smiled, yet it didn’t reach your eyes entirely, the sadness in your face bled into every part of your body, all of which went unnoticed by Heeseung. Although you were done setting the argument aside, the apology getting accepted didn’t smoothen the roughness to you and Heeseung’s relationship. Some lingering tension still remained unaddressed. You could feel it, you doubted if Heeseung didn’t. “Should we head in? They’re announcing the winners of the contest.”
It wasn’t the right time to talk about it. You didn’t know if there ever was one.
You and Jungkook ended up missing first prize by a large margin, getting just a box of chocolate as a consolation prize. On the bright side, Jay and Jake won the night’s best costume, earning a hundred dollars which you would undoubtedly convince them to spend on you. The night came to an end at around midnight. Even though all of your friends were exhausted, they stayed to clean as usual, cracking open another round of beers as a side reward.
You were too busy sending Jungkook off by the door to realise a pair of eyes staring pointedly at you from a distance. As Heeseung collected the bottles and cups from the living room area, his gaze followed your every movement around Jungkook, a cup nearly fell out of his hand at some point watching you hug him. He walked over to Chaewon, dropping the volume of his voice. “Are they really just friends?”
“If they weren’t ‘just friends’—” Chaewon made a motion with her hands, “would she have allowed me to flirt with him all night?” she blinked blankly at Heeseung, who had furrowed eyebrows that were twitching slightly. “God, you guys are so annoying, and frustratingly stupid. Why must I be subjected to this?” she threw her hands up in defeat, hypothetically waving a white flag in surrender. Sparing him no more chance to speak, she walked away just in time for you to return from your farewell to your beloved Fred.
“What’s up with her?” you mumbled as Chaewon stormed past you, grumbling somewhere along the lines of ‘misunderstandings’ and ‘get together already’. You took the bag filled with trash from Heeseung, handed it to Jay—still in his black and white face paint—for him to throw out. The apartment was mostly clean, lacking a bit of deep cleaning that you’d get to the next day. For now, you were content with your friends’ company and a cold bottle of beer.
“You know, I think I owe you an apology too,” it was only you and Heeseung at the kitchen table, you weren’t expecting another apologetic conversation to happen over some beer, but you didn’t complain. “I shouldn’t have stopped talking to you. I was angry and scared. I’m sorry,” he took a swig of his beer, his other hand was knocking on the wooden table. “And I’m sorry I wasn’t there for your mum’s birthday,”
One sacred secret you and Heeseung kept hidden from your other friends was this. It started with you inviting Heeseung to your hometown for a family event as your plus one. Looking back at it now, it was far more intimate compared to what you made it out to be. Not even every person would bring their partners to meet their family. Your family absolutely loved him, insisting on him to join them for every family occasion there was. Since then, he has been there for most birthdays.
In turn, it would only be fair if you got introduced to his family. Hence, he brought you to meet his family soon after he met yours, continuing on the tradition of joining each others’ family occasions. You were at his parents’ birthdays, and he was there for yours. It was your thing with Heeseung for years until he broke the streak in the months of you not speaking. You still remembered your mother asking for him, just for you to create a lame excuse of him being busy with work, having no courage to tell them the truth.
“You’re forgiven,” you clinked his beer bottle with yours, the sharp sound made the brief quietness which followed after less painful. “I guess we’re both equally at fault here,”
“I guess we are,” he fidgeted with his bottle, never letting his gaze falter from you for a second, as though he was making up for the moments he missed. “Your mum still wants me around, right?”
“Oh please, she was wondering where you were. You’re very missed,”
“I’m glad to hear,”
“And I’m not glad to have stroked your ego,”
You and him burst out laughing, clinking your bottles once more and taking a swift gulp out of it. Both of you sighed together in satisfaction from the taste of cold beer on your tongues, eliciting scattered giggles at that phenomenon. You never realised how much you’ve missed him. Forget about love and your feelings, you missed having him around as a friend. It hurts more deeply than you thought having someone from your everyday life disappear in an instant.
Before you could dwell on such melancholic thoughts, the rest of your friends came flooding around the table, forcing open the fridge to bring more bottles out. You met Yunjin’s eyes, a knowing look on her face told you she was highly aware of you and Heeseung’s ‘little moment’ alone. Of course, you wouldn’t doubt her, she was known to be a surveillance camera that scans through the entire premise. You gave her a nod, and that was a sufficient message for her to understand all was well.
“Who’s ready to drink?”
Yunjin’s definition of a ‘fun Saturday night’ was the complete opposite of what you had in mind.
You had a feeling you were an old woman in your past life for thinking a night in with some pizza, snacks, and board games would satisfy the criteria of a ‘fun Saturday’. However, your friends didn’t share the same idea. That was why you were all dressed up, sitting by the bar counter with no intentions to drink while Yunjin and Chaewon were busy downing shots after shots. Call you a buzz kill, but you weren’t stumbling out drunk. You were happy with your virgin mojito.
“What do you think the boys are doing tonight?” Yunjin was still admirably sober in spite of the amount of alcohol she consumed. She and her high alcohol tolerance should be investigated.
“Watching TV,” you assumed, mostly based on how you last saw them huddled in Heeseung and Jay’s apartment, tuning into another episode of ‘Seinfeld’ before all of you left for the bar.
“Oh, really? Then why do I see them approaching us,” Chaewon had a better angle of the door given her seating position. At that, you and Yunjin whipped your heads towards the door, disbelief fueling your system. When you told them of your plans, you weren’t expecting them to crash it.
“They really have to stop following us to girls’ night,” Yunjin groaned, returning a wave to Jake begrudgingly. It wasn’t the first time they appeared at girls’ night. You’d think they wouldn’t do it again, but clearly, it was your fault for thinking that way.
“No invite?” Jay made a weeping expression, trying his best to wedge himself in between Chaewon and Yunjin, resulting in them pushing him away.
“Are you guys eligible for girls’ night?” Chaewon deadpanned, sighing aloud.
“If you remove all the testosterone from our bodies, then maybe,” Heeseung slid into the seat next to yours, making himself comfortable as he actively ignored your disapproving gaze.
You switched your focus onto him, letting the others’ bickering fade into the background. He swiftly ordered his usual drink, gin on rocks, then looked at you, cocking an eyebrow with some extent of expectation that you’d start questioning him endlessly. Well, he was right.
“You don’t like coming out to bars unless something has happened. Tell me, which one of you got your heart broken?”
Heeseung laughed, realising you had a point. There was a reason why the both of you could click easily. You and him shared equal dislike for loud and crowded places, finding them overwhelming. “I did,”
“What?”
“I ended it with Wonyoung. Not that it had a label in the first place, but … I just thought it was time to stop,” out of everything you prepared yourself mentally to hear, this piece of information was the last you thought to receive. “It was amicable, don’t worry,”
“But why?”
“We don’t click. That’s it. I thought we did, but I was wrong,” he shrugged, thanking the bartender for the drink, wasting no time in taking a sip of it. “My heart wasn’t there. I think I left it some place else,” he left his heart with you, in the form of a chain which sat around your neck, tucked beneath your blouse.
“So the first thing you thought of was to come here and drink?”
“Wasn’t my idea. Jay insisted on coming after he heard about your plan,”
“That is very on brand of him,” you snorted, expecting nothing less of Jay for wrecking havoc whenever he had the chance to. “Are you doing okay?”
“I’m fine. I expected it at some point, so I suppose it hurts less this way,” Heeseung’s lack of expression made it hard to decipher what he was thinking, forcing you to guess while also treading carefully in unknown territory. “You’re right all along,” you didn’t reply, and waited for him to continue, a part of you cringed at the thought of the incident. Turns out, the projection of your jealousy wasn’t entirely wrong. “I knew we couldn’t work out when she said she didn’t like you guys—don’t be mad—except for Yunjin, I guess? How can I have someone who can’t stand my friends?”
“And to think we were actually rooting for her,” you were disappointed, but not surprised. There was always a feeling in your gut about Wonyoung regardless of your spiteful claim. You hated to be proven right in this context. At the same time, you’d also be lying if you said it didn’t provide some sense of satisfaction to you.
“What doesn’t kill you make you stronger,”
“Cheers to that,” you held up your glass, to which Heeseung gladly clinked. You shot him a quick smile before sipping your mocktail, looking at him with a little too much emotion in your eyes which you couldn’t contain. If you didn’t know better, they might’ve come off as heart eyes. You made sure to glance away for a hot minute when Heeseung put down his glass, he mustn’t see you in your weakest state.
“Look, I need a quick trip to the restroom. Wait for me. Maybe or maybe not, we can dip to get some of our favourite late night snacks,”
“Abandoning our friends? That’s evil,” you whispered, so that the others wouldn’t hear. Judging from their chaotic talking and continuous drinking, you doubted they would notice for even a bit. “I’m down,”
“Give me five minutes.”
Your eyes followed him into the crowd until he disappeared around the corner. Up till that moment, you were finally able to breathe more comfortably, feeling partially restrained by the unusual tension wedged in your dynamic with Heeseung. Although your friendship with him was mostly recovered, you still couldn’t shake off some persisting tension. It was sticking out like a sore thumb. The rest of the group were busy with their ongoing drinking game, dumping the two of you aside from the get-go, so you sat peeking over Yunjin’s shoulder to watch them play, minding your business with your drink in hand.
“Can I buy you a drink?”
So much for minding your own business. You turned at the sound of a stranger’s voice along with a tap on your shoulder, soon met with the face belonging to a handsomely charming man. As far as looks could get him, occupying a seat which was visibly taken based on the drink in its position on the counter wasn’t a good first impression. For the sake of courtesy, you offered a smile.
“Sorry, but the seat’s taken,” it was an indirect ‘no’, the nicest way you could put it without being harsh. Sparing him some embarrassment on his part was humane in your opinion, but apparently, rejection wasn’t an answer this man was willing to accept. The second you saw a switch in the way his face was screwed into, you peacefully realised trouble was imminent.
“I’m just trying to be nice, miss. I think a drink isn’t that big of a problem, no?”
“I appreciate it, but I’m not interested in accepting,”
“Really, one drink, that’s all,”
You were starting to cower in fear, gradually shrinking into your seat. “Sorry, no,”
“What’s going on?” Yunjin slurred behind you, the effects of alcohol evidently caught up to her. The activities happening within your circle of friends had halted at the minor commotion between you and this man who wouldn’t leave you alone. You and all of your friends had gotten to your feet in caution. They. in particular, were instantly poised for action if physical extraction was necessary.
“This guy wouldn’t go away,”
The man scoffed, removing himself off the high stool to stand on all ten toes as well. “I’m trying to get to know your friend. I’m offering to buy her a drink,”
“Hey man, she said ‘no’,” Heeseung couldn’t have chosen a better time to return. Without a single question asked, he was the first to leap into action. He instinctively put himself between you and the man, which unintentionally fueled the situation as it did nothing but agitated the man more. The man stepped closer to Heeseung, sizing him up as if it would successfully intimidate him. Heeseung didn’t like that at all, the mild twitch in his jaw gave his annoyance away. He held out his hand to put a distance between them. “Back off, dude,”
“And who are you?”
Heeseung’s attempt at mediating the escalating situation wasn’t looking very bright. He didn’t answer—totally the wrong move—so, the man continued closing in on him. You came to the conclusion that the man was purposefully making things worse by ticking Heeseung off. And he had indeed fallen into the trap before you could warn him. He was left with no other choices but to push the man on his shoulder in order for the man to fall back. “It’s none of your business. You should leave,”
While still standing behind Heeseung, you pulled at his sleeves, trying to get his attention even though you sensed his anger rising, and there was a high chance he couldn’t hear you past it. “Heeseung, I think we should go—”
“So, you’re protecting this bitch—”
A fist collided with the man’s cheek in a blur. Heeseung undeniably saw red, every ounce of rationality flew out of the window. The scene drew gasps from everyone in the vicinity, including you and your friends. Stunned was an understatement. Heeseung was known to be the calmest amongst the group, being the poster boy for thinking before acting. That was until now.
“Heeseung!”
The man recovered rather quickly from both the pain and the surprise. Just when you wanted to pull Heeseung away, another punch landed, except it was on Heeseung this time. This was surely his ticking point, because he quite literally slipped from your grasp, returning a punch to the man. You were watching in horror as the prior dispute somehow evolved into a fist fight. You wanted a boring night, this was miles off what ‘boring’ would be defined as.
Everything around you faded, your ears were muffled, you weren’t even aware of Yunjin and Chaewon dragging you to the side while Jay and Jake ran to pull Heeseung off of the man. The situation had become out of control. Staff and some customers came to help, managing to separate the two men from each other, both bloody and bruised. The fortunate part about this mess consisted of two things: nobody else was hurt, and nothing got destroyed. The unfortunate part was probably getting kicked out and banned, then having to end your night in the emergency room.
Heeseung suffered not only a split lip that had to be stitched, but also a boxer’s fracture discovered through an X-ray scan. His left hand was wrapped in an ulnar gutter splint—some medical term you recalled the doctor mentioning—immobilising specifically his pinky and ring finger, which meant he was totally inconvenienced by not being able to use his non-dominant hand for several weeks. You wished to laugh in his face for the consequences he brought upon himself. In spite of the thought of taunting him, you were far from being in the mood to do so.
Standing by the medical bed with him sitting on the edge, his injured hand elevated on a pillow, you scowled, not having said a word since you arrived. Every one of your friends had returned home after Heeseung insisted he was fine in your care. In retrospect, he should be thankful you weren’t currently choking him for his careless actions. Instead, he was suffering from both his injuries and your angered silent treatment as the two of you waited for discharge paperworks.
“I’m sorry,” Heeseung, at last, decided to be the one to break the icy silence formed rigidly in the room. A sharp inhalation of breath was your response for the next following moments, head shaking in what could be described as either disappointment or disapproval, you couldn’t figure which would be the most fitting for your current thoughts.
“‘Sorry’? What were you thinking? You were reckless, and incredibly thoughtless about your own safety,” you snapped, fear seeping through the anger you used to conceal your true emotions, the tremor of your hand might just be a telltale sign.
“I wanted to protect you!”
“I didn’t need protection!” you took half a step forward, Heeseung barely budged, keeping himself steady and overall composed. “You could’ve gotten more hurt than you already are right now,”
“But I didn’t,”
“That’s because people intervened before it got worse, smartass. You should be thankful the charges were dropped because the bartender backed you up,” you rubbed at your temple, pacing back and forth. His stubbornness was clashing with yours, making things ten times more difficult than it already was. You were able to understand why the last time the both of you fought had ended in neither of you speaking to each other again. “I didn’t want you to get hurt,”
“Who are you to get a say in that?”
You glowered at him, having the inability to form a logical answer to his response without the emotional side of you spilling all over. Sure, you could go with the reason of you being his dear best friend who was afraid to see him putting himself in danger, or you could go for the option of being silent and not utter those seven letters admitting you’re friends, because the last thing you’d like to touch upon in that emergency room was your feelings for him. It was a sensitive subject.
“Excuse me?” out of all the possible times to appear, the nurse had to pick the one where you and Heeseung were in the middle of another altercation. Another not assuring point to note was the nurse awkwardly handing you the paperwork to sign, looking thoroughly uncomfortable and very much aware of what was going down moments before she entered. Great, you took your chances to sign the discharge paperwork and stormed out at the last flick of your signature, your frustration blinding you the entire way to the front of the hospital.
You gasped for air, the stuffiness inside the emergency room restricted your airways, in addition, the whole exchange with Heeseung only pressed harder onto your lungs. Watching cars come and go, patients arriving and leaving, you felt helpless for the first time in a while, consumed by your fear that was creeping up on you without your knowledge. You stood there, alone and confused, no one to come to your aid.
“Y/N,” you registered Heeseung’s voice, only you were a moment’s short of a reaction as he grabbed a hold of your wrist, tugging onto your arm to turn you around. You didn’t push him away. An arm in a cast, physically dishevelled, panting and out of breath from chasing you, Heeseung wasn’t backing down without a fight, one that he hoped wouldn’t land him in the hospital once more. “Answer me. What am I to you?”
“What?”
“What am I to you?”
“You’re my friend,”
“Bullshit,”
“My best friend,”
“Bullshit!” he snarled, spewing the word through clenched teeth, unable to contain his rage nor keep his voice from rising. His grip on you remained firm, contrasting the waver of emotions seen in his eyes. “Is this really what you think about me—about us? Because I don’t believe you,”
“Then what do you think about us?”
“Don’t turn this on me,”
“You’re the one who got a girlfriend first then suddenly dropped this out of nowhere! Not to mention, right after breaking up with her,”
“That’s because I wished she were you,” this was enough to shut you up, rendering you speechless, all vocabulary seemed to escape your brain, not that there were any appropriate ones to use at that moment. “I thought being with someone else would erase what I felt for you. It seemed to have worked for a short while, until I realised that’s not how it works, and I was thinking about you the whole time,” he paused, but you didn’t know if it was for you to take it in or for himself to not crumble. “You said you knew me, but clearly not enough to tell that I’m in love with you, and I’ve always been in love with you,”
His confession had taken a toll on him, every last bit of strength he saved since running after you was slowly depleting. You felt him letting go of your arm, sighing deeply, the sound of your heartbeats filled the cold night air. Heeseung stared back at you weakly, pleading for you to break the silence on your end. You were a fool, a self-sabotaging lunatic who was ruining yourself at the thought of him falling for someone else in the first place, just to back away out of fear when he admitted his feelings to you directly. When were you going to stop running away?
“We can either leave here like how we were before, pretend nothing happened, or we can leave knowing the truth,” Heeseung had thrown the ball into your court, rightfully giving you your turn to speak your truth or forever hold your peace. Your hands were balled into fists at each side, nails digging crescent moons into your palm, the cooling breeze did nothing to help the heat travelling up your entire body.
“God damn it, Heeseung, I love you,” you bursted at the seams, the only secret you’ve kept to yourself was freed, pouring out of you like a gushing fountain. “I love you, and I’m in love with you too,” The months you’ve spent dwelled on this—your love for your best friend of several years—hadn’t prepared you to face it head on, because you were definitely holding in every ounce of tears amassed over that era of your life. “I was scared—I am scared, that if I ever told you how I really feel, I’d lose you, and everything we built would be gone,”
You shifted on your two feet, never once did you dare to look away from Heeseung, still petrified that whatever left your mouth would ruin the friendship that had already been over since you discovered your feelings for him. “I tried convincing myself we were nothing but friends, until I couldn’t anymore, and it hurts. It really did when I saw you with someone else, that’s when I thought I had lost you,”
“You never lost me, you never would’ve lost me,” Heeseung took your trembling hand into his, intertwining his fingers with yours. Something you’ve done countless times suddenly felt more intimate than it should be. Given the proximity and the vulnerable confessions, everything significantly changed, realising there was no point of return. “You were always a part of me,”
“Tell me this is real, that whatever I’ve felt between us has always been real,” you searched for his eyes, for some sort of confirmation to your fears which persisted in haunting you. He squeezed your hand, putting on a smile just for you, the edge of his eyes crinkled a little.
“It is real, more than you can ever comprehend. You complete me.”
Heeseung never gave you a chance to speak this time. He chose to be selfish. Once you’ve come to wrap your scrambled mind around his words, he has freed his hand from your grasp, pulling you in with that hand now placed on your cheek, lips colliding onto yours.
Everything felt right. How you moved against each others’ lips, rough and passionate, barely holding yourselves back after months, or rather years of built up tension and silent confessions pushed down for the sake of keeping your friendship safe. That could all be forgotten now. The idea of a friendship flew out of your mind when you melted into his touch. His calloused palm cradled the side of your side face, moving it to a certain angle just so he could deepen the kiss.
The amount of kiss scenes you’ve indulged from watching too many rom-coms would never have prepared yourself for this. Ever. Kissing Heeseung was different, he was different. It was sweet, gentle, and too familiar, as though kissing him was a second instinct of yours, almost like a birthright. You were experiencing every butterfly, every spark, every bit of nervousness that you’d normally get whenever his gaze lingered a minute too long, where his hands would brush against yours, or those times he would look at you in a group full of people. You were always the center of his world, you just never brought yourself to notice.
The both of you gradually pulled away after what seemed like an eternity trapped in heaven, but not completely apart, still resisting to separate, chasing each others’ lips with a hunger to appease. In the end, you settled to rest your forehead against his, noses close to touching, breaths fanning one anothers’ lips. Neither of you spoke for a while, basking in the ambience, all while you held onto him, and he held onto you closer.
“Does that mean our friendship is ruined now?” you whispered faintly, grinning widely and giddy from the aftermath of your kiss.
“I think it’s been ruined for a long time,” Heeseung’s thumb caressed the expanse of your cheek, moving away to press a soft kiss on your temple. “And I don’t regret any part of it,” he shook his head, gaze boring into yours with no intention to ever leave. “Except I didn’t get to kiss you sooner,”
There he was, classic Heeseung with his smart mouth, trying to win you completely by pulling out the methods he used on ladies for them swoon over him. You punched his shoulder, scoffing at him and that smug smile on his stupidly charming face. “Then kiss me again.”
You didn’t need to tell Heeseung twice before he swooped in to connect his lips with yours for a second time that night. Sparks flew, electricity coursed through your veins, it felt like you were kissed by him for the first time all over again. Holding onto each other, none of you dared to let go, terrified this moment would suddenly disappear and fade into nothingness. But it was never meant to be fleeting nor short-lived, instead, merely a goodbye to this ending, welcoming a new beginning.
In the middle of New York City, standing right in front of a hospital, you were kissing a man you’ve fallen in love with, your best friend who got himself injured just for your sake. If anything, you’d consider this to be a better plot than any of your favourite movies. The story of how you and Heeseung fell in love might be competing for the position of ‘When Harry Met Sally’ in your life.
The festive season in the city was an absolute dream.
You got to go Christmas shopping, visit coffee shops for a sizzling cup of hot chocolate, and head to a few rounds of ice skating just so you could prove to everyone you wouldn’t fall. It was your favourite time of the year. This time was no different from the other years you spent in New York. Staying in on a cold day, wrapped in layers of clothing, preparing for the annual Christmas dinner followed by an after party you and your friends threw as a tradition, everything about the holiday was perfect. The only contrast to other years was the label to you and Heeseung’s relationship.
That’s right. You and Heeseung were no longer friends, you and him had become a couple. It took five years and six months for the both of you to reach this stage in life. After a total of over a hundred failed dates, two boyfriends, and three girlfriends plus three unofficial-no-label partners over the course of these five years, you and him finally learnt there was no point in finding love elsewhere, when it’s been next to you the entire time. Maybe you had to spend a long time to learn that, but a lesson was still a lesson at the end of the day.
“You guys are disgusting,” Chaewon could only roll her eyes and shake her head at the sight of Heeseung giving you a peck on the lips. She couldn’t bring herself to complain as she was one of the members to ride the train of bringing you and Heeseung together. Despite her funny little digs, she would be smiling watching the both of you severely struck by the love bug.
“It’s Christmas, cheer up,” you nudged her with your elbow, holding carefully onto the freshly baked lasagna. The last, grandest piece of the Christmas dinner presented on your kitchen table. You should bear in mind to hire caterers next year, the exhaustion was indescribable.
“If only Santa could wrap a capable man for me this Christmas, and gift him to me,” Chaewon grumbled, falling into one of the chairs with a loud sigh. The smell of cooked food had attracted flies in the form of men into the dining area. Jay and Jake soon came rushing in to snatch a seat at the table, fighting over who would be the one to hog the turkey leg.
“Am I not a part of this fight anymore?” Heeseung slid into the chair next to you, seemingly offended that he was excluded from the traditional turkey discourse. You, Yunjin, and Chaewon snickered at the silliness of their behaviour, a common happening you and your friends were desensitized to.
“You have a girlfriend, Heeseung, the least you can do is leave the turkey leg to us,” Jake pointed a finger at Heeseung, earning a disgruntled grunt of agreement from Jay. Heeseung shrugged, knowing they weren’t wrong, contentedly throwing an arm around you, while also smugly grinning at the two men. You rolled your eyes, but didn’t brush his touch away either.
With a clap of your hands, you announced the start of the dinner. “Eat up, everyone. Before the guests start coming.”
Hours later, you and Yunjin’s apartment was congested with friends and families, nothing you’ve never experienced before, you just forgot how overwhelming it was at some point. The music you put on the background was effectively drowned out due to scattered loud chatters, your friends were dispersed all over the apartment as well. You were at least happy to see the condiment platters being savagely cleared thanks to certain hungry individuals (most likely Jay). Seeing your hard work enjoyed by others was somewhat fulfilling, but you had a feeling it was the festive mood speaking on your behalf.
“Hey,” Heeseung appeared by your side as you replenished the platters, helping you to take them to the table. You followed him with empty hands.
“Hi,” your hands weren’t so empty anymore when he grabbed them immediately after, pulling you along with him, squeezing through groups of people. He stopped directly next to the stereo in the corner, away from the crowd, just the two of you keeping each other company. He turned the volume higher, barely loud enough to overpower the sound of people’s voices, but just right for you to listen. George Benson’s ‘Nothing’s Gonna Change My Love for You’ began playing.
“You’re tired,” he stated, bringing both your hands over his shoulders, resting them comfortably there, his own placed on your waist. You let him lead, body naturally swaying to the lazy rhythm of the music, slow dancing in this tiny corner while others were occupied. It was you and him in your own world, nobody else would come to disturb or ruin your moment together.
“It’s always exhausting when it comes to throwing parties. I think we should have a vacation for the next holiday, escape all of this,”
“Where would you like to go?”
You pondered for a while, speaking off the top of your head. “I’m thinking the Bahamas,”
“You really love the beach, don’t you?”
“Only if you’re there picking seashells with me,” you pressed a long kiss by the edge of his mouth, taking in the smile that instantly appeared on his face, a look of love and adoration was written all over him. He was a man who stood at the top of the world regardless of what he wanted or wished to achieve.
“I’ll gladly collect every seashell on the beach if it meant getting to spend time with you,” he hummed, squeezing your waist playfully just to hear you laugh at the tickling sensation. You slapped at his chest, a few more laughter lingered from either one of you, George Benson in the background being replaced by ‘With or Without You’ by U2. Heeseung glanced up briefly, a grin slowly formed, and you understood it was a sign of mischief. He was up to no good. “Uh oh, mistletoe alert,”
Following his actions, you tilted your head back, spotting a mistletoe hanging above your head. You didn’t know whether to be annoyed, impressed, or amused. Perhaps you were all. “You planted it there, didn’t you?”
Heeseung feigned ignorance, raising both shoulders with a devious smirk. He was a hundred percent guilty. “Maybe I did, maybe I didn’t,”
You stared at him, still moving to the music playing, saying nothing, only letting your eyes wander every feature on his face. From his large deer-like eyes, to the slope of his nose, down to the pout of his lips, those were the features that welcomed you to the city on your first day, ones which you admired many times. Now, they would one day be passed down onto your children. Heeseung was the man you loved, and nothing would ever change that.
“I love you,”
It wasn’t the first time Heeseung heard those three sacred words coming from you. In fact, he heard it day in, day out, you made sure he wouldn’t forget it, and he never once got sick of listening to your voice, listening to you express your love to him like it hadn’t been done before. He removed his hands from your waist, choosing to settle them on either side of your cheeks. “I love you too.”
Under the mistletoe, Heeseung kissed you like it was his very first time doing so. You forgot about the people, the music, the cold, and quite frankly, the presents waiting for you. All that mattered to you was having your best friend, your forever partner, in your arms, holding onto you with such gentleness it could almost be compared to the snow falling outside your window.
Moving to New York City was the best choice you’ve made for yourself. You found your identity, a good job, an amazing group of friends, and a forever person to spend the rest of your life with. The advice you’d give to someone who’s new to the city would probably be: one, get to know your neighbour; two, accept the pizza your neighbour offers, then wait for whatever that comes next and go along with wherever the wind blows. Remember, it’s always good to ruin the friendship too.
SYNOPSIS: New York City promised you a lot of things. Big opportunities, a better social life, a lavish city for you to explore, everything and anything but love. While you searched for this thing called ‘love’ by going on dates and being introduced to men after men, you continued to ignore the only person who you’ve always loved, your neighbour across the hall, Lee Heeseung. As you embarked on this journey through life, you realised you were letting him slip away from your grasp as you denied this very thing you longed for. But nothing was ever too late if only you’d face your fears and ruin the damn friendship.
PAIRINGS: non-idol!heeseung x afab!reader
GENRE: (two idiotic) best friends to lovers, fluff, angst, romance, slow burn, inspired by chandler and monica from 'FRIENDS' (tv show) and 'when harry met sally'
WARNING(S): profanities, mentions of alcohol, slight violence
WC: 23k
PLAYLIST: fresh out the slammer, ruin the friendship by taylor swift / a couple minutes, let alone the one you love by olivia dean / almost is never enough, my everything by ariana grande
AUTHOR'S NOTE: i'm ALIVE. happy 2026, sorry for the long wait because life's hectic. this has been in my drafts for a long time and i finally wrote it but ofc it ended up being over 20k lol. please leave a feedback and reblogs are greatly appreciated! muah xx
It’s been five years since you’ve moved to New York. The bustling city was overwhelming to say the least. Fast paced and filled with people of all kinds, settling in definitely took you some time. In those five years, you unexpectedly found yourself in a group of friends. As cliche as it sounded, you were convinced fate had set every one of you up in a peculiar way. From then onwards, the six of you have stuck together and terrorized the coffee shop as a spot for your daily hangouts.
Everything first started off when you moved into your new apartment. You were housing with a girl called Jennifer Huh, or better known as Huh Yunjin, a native New Yorker. She was easy to be friends with, having a natural outgoing personality, she helped you settle in easier than expected. Soon, you met her friend who lived nearby, Kim Chaewon, another bubbly personality added to the mix. The three of you naturally became an inseparable trio when there were way too many common interests shared between all of you.
Moving on from that, it didn’t take long before you met your neighbour too, the one that lived across the hall. Turns out, it was a man that occupied the apartment, seemingly being in the same situation as Yunjin was with the entire housemate hunt, but obviously, that changed when you came along. He, on the contrary, was stuck dealing with that trouble. His name was Lee Heeseung. He was kind, a little too handsome for your eyes to handle and had a mouth that spewed sarcasm like his life depended on it.
Heeseung was searching for a housemate too, but unlike Yunjin, he had a rougher experience with more failures than success. That luck soon changed when you came home to a bunch of boxes piled by the door of Heeseung’s apartment, another pretty face appearing to introduce himself as ‘Jay’, features strong enough to knock wind out of your lungs, matching his velvety smooth voice that would knock your panties off too. It took you and the girls a lot of courage to face Jay, who was deemed as the ‘handsome one’ without his knowledge.
“He won’t bite.” Heeseung snarkily whispered to the three of you when he saw you and your friends huddled into one corner of the couch in the coffee shop, listening to Jay’s complaints about his new job.
To make matters more interesting, Jay soon brought a new friend to the group, a fresh face to the city similarly to you. Sim Jaeyun, who actually insisted on being called Jake, was not only new to the city, but also the country. He was originally from Australia but moved to New York for his job. A cute, awkward guy that stumbled over his words from time to time, reminding you of a puppy, basically that summed him up as a whole.
From the comforts of your apartment to the coffee shop nearby, the six of you spent days, months, years together, not remembering the time where you’re not together, which was probably never. Fast forward to the present day now that years have passed, many have changed when it came to the world, but ultimately, your friendship remained.
“Do you guys still have milk?” you opened your door to a topless Heeseung, bed hair still present, unbothered by your judgemental eye roll as he followed you in.
“Well, good morning to you too,” you grumbled, getting back to your own breakfast.
“Morning,” he flashed a smile at you, then proceeded to dig through your fridge for the milk he came for. “Bingo,” he slammed the door shut, holding onto your box of milk victoriously.
Heeseung walked past you casually, heading towards the door only to stop in his tracks, turning his body to face you in a dramatic manner. You glanced up from your bowl of cereal, seeing the obvious question marks plastered on his entire face.
“Are you still going on that date with Marcus?” he pointed the milk at you, an eyebrow raised. The minor twitch of that same eyebrow didn’t go unnoticed, a quirk of his whenever he’s mildly annoyed. For whatever reason, you didn’t know. You brushed off your initial reaction to that detail, responding to him with an unimpressed stare.
“It's Mark,” you corrected through a mouthful of cereal, watching him slowly approach the table, leaning against the chair opposite of you. “And yes, I am. Aren’t you going on a date with that Jessica girl you met at the coffee shop?”
“I am,” he shifted uneasily on his feet, still maintaining that look in his eyes, the one that he has whenever he interrogates you at the mention of a date. It was rather unreadable, he tended to hide it pretty quickly once he realised you caught onto it. Heeseung and you were no strangers to each others’ love lives, constantly curious about potential dates, wishing to indulge purely out of interest. This time, however, Heeseung seemed to emit a much different intent than before. “That’s not important, though. So, what's Mark like?”
“Your date isn’t important but mine is? What? You want him instead?” you deadpanned, attempting to amuse him dryly, unable to understand the reason behind him suddenly prying into the information of your date when he would usually choose to spare listening to the details.
“I’m just … asking,” Heeseung shrugged, a 180 switch from one minute ago, acting as if he could care less, but the stiffness in his stance was telling you otherwise.
You finished the last of your breakfast, getting out of your seat to clean up, hearing Heeseung shuffling around behind you in your quiet apartment. “He’s nice, a decent guy with a funny humour, quite awkward, but also charming,” you described Mark to Heeseung, though you found it was rather simple and vague once you verbally said it out loud, not that you knew him more than that. “What about Jessica?”
Heeseung hadn’t expected you to turn his question on him. He was stunned for a moment, but was quick to recover himself. “She’s cute, really sweet, smart and works in a hospital,”
You nodded slowly, putting the dishes away before turning to face him, resting your hip against the counter. “Where are you taking this girl?”
“The restaurant down the street from the coffee house,”
“The Italian one? What a coincidence. Mark made a reservation at the Spanish restaurant across from it,”
“Of course he did,” Heeseung muttered inaudibly under his breath, just quiet enough for you to not catch onto his words. It only got him a very confused frown from you, your stance changing to rest a hand on your waist.
“What?”
He waved his hand dismissively at you, laughing lightly to distract you from his peculiar behaviour. “Nothing. Maybe we’ll run into each other tonight … or not,”
“Maybe,” you echoed, thinking about the several times you’ve actually ran into Heeseung in the middle of your dates and vice versa. You and him never had dates outside of the area, frequently going to places nearby, but bizarrely, you never question the coincidences if the two of you saw each other.
“I’ll see you later at the coffee house. I heard Jake has some news he wants to tell us,” Heeseung had his hand on the doorknob, ready to leave, his gaze on you unwavering. It was an early morning, yet there was something odd lingering in the air between you and him that you could not comprehend. When it comes to your conversations about dates with Heeseung, it has always been lighthearted discussions, unlike this time where you found yourself troubled and him acting out of character.
“See you, Hee,” you softly bid him a temporary goodbye, absentmindedly using a nickname that only you had reserved for him. He flashed you a quick smile before closing the door, leaving you alone to marinate in the aftermath of your short yet questionable conversation. The thoughts of him persisted for too long till the door to Yunjin’s room swung open, and you failed to notice it.
“Who was that?” her voice successfully brought you out of your daydreams, you could tell from her expressions that she had spotted your strange behaviour almost at once, reminding you to snap out of it and return yourself back to your senses. Call it morning grumpiness or a Heeseung shake up. “Was it Heeseung?” you couldn’t deduce if Yunjin was simply assuming it was him or she had guessed it accurately from the look on your face.
“Yeah,” you chose to feign ignorance, pretending you weren’t bothered by him or even the mention of his name.
Yunjin groaned deeply, rolling her eyes far enough that it might’ve gone to the back of her head. “Did he take our milk again?”
The morning rolled by without either of you bringing up Heeseung’s name once more. As usual, when lunch time came around, the entire group was present at the coffee house, crowding the designated spot, all of you arriving from each of your offices, waiting for Jake to spill his burning hot news.
“So, what’s the big announcement, Jakey boy?” Yunjin sipped on her hot tea, eyeing Jake sharply as he set his briefcase down, the tailored suit hugging his figure perfectly.
“I got offered to teach at NYU!” Jake almost jumped at the announcement, looking as though he had been holding that information in for ages. The group cheered in sync, yelling a collection of congratulations, each one of you taking turns to hug him out of genuine shared excitement. “I’ll be an engineering professor, isn’t it crazy?”
“That’s great, Jake!” Chaewon was the last to hug him, patting him enthusiastically on the back while she made sure her coffee didn’t spill over. She set her mug down, eyes lighting up at an idea that seemed to have appeared in her mind. “How about we go out and celebrate?”
Jake beamed at her suggestion, his answer was already written all over his face. “We should. Shouldn’t we, guys? What about dinner tonight?”
Heeseung glanced at you, meeting your knowing gaze, a mutual understanding passing through the two of you. He turned to Jake, hating to ruin the moment for just a split second. “Sorry pal, Y/N and I have dates tonight. How about tomorrow night?”
“You two are finally going on a date?”
The atmosphere around the group stilled, everyone stopped whatever they were doing, halted mid drink or bite, just to stare at you and Heeseung. Worst part of all, they didn’t even bother questioning Jake’s obvious error. You were sure every one of them had heard and understood Heeseung clearly, but instead, they chose to go with Jake’s misinterpretation.
“What?” Speaking in sync wasn’t entirely helping your case either. You and Heeseung exchanged incredulous glances, facing your group of friends after with nothing but an obvious look of ‘are you kidding me‘, as though their foolishness were incomprehensible to you and Heeseung.
“Wait, you’re not going on a date together?” Jake threaded the waters carefully, shrinking into his seat in embarrassment, contrary to the rest, who perked up in overwhelming interest.
“We’re not going on a date together, not with each other,” Heeseung corrected, sighing loudly out of his flaring nostrils.
“We have dates scheduled with other people. I’m going out with Mark, remember the guy I was saying—”
“Oh! The cute guy from my marketing department!” Chaewon jogged her memory, remembering the details better than Heeseung did. Speaking of him, he was fortunate enough to avoid getting caught rolling his eyes at the mention of your date, a minor detail that went a long way.
“That’s right, Chae, thank you,” you nodded at her, smiling sweetly. “Heeseung’s going out with … who’s she again?” You flashed an apologetic look at him, though it wasn’t convincing. You did remember her name, you were just doing this out of spite, and yes, you were aware of Heeseung glaring at you.
“Jessica,”
“The one with the big tits?” Jay spoke his mind a little too freely, garnering a collective questionable look from the group. He merely shrugged, not one ounce of regret seen in his expressions.
“No, the one with a big heart,” Heeseung grumbled, the sarcasm in his comment remained as per usual.
“Well, we thought—”
“We thought nothing,” Yunjin cut through Chaewon’s words quicker than the speed of light, shooting her a warning glare that you might need to read into after. You and Heeseung couldn’t understand what they meant, neither did the two of you notice the wary looks exchanged between your friends. It was the exact feeling of getting left out of an inside joke, but it was less stinging to know you had Heeseung with you in that experience. “Anyway, should we set dinner for tomorrow night?”
As if on cue, everyone responded with unanimous agreement, brushing past the prior topic without a second thought. You figured it was strange how your friends had reacted to the very ridiculous idea of you and Heeseung going on a date with each other. Plus, what did Jake mean with ‘finally’? Weren’t you and Heeseung just friends, the same way it was with the others?
Hypothetically speaking, if you were to go out on a date with him, what’s so wrong with that?
For that night, to everyone’s disappointment, you already had a date, and his name was Mark. You decided to shake the thoughts away until you were standing by the entrance of your apartment, waiting for your date’s arrival so that you two could walk down to the restaurant together. It was an arrangement you purposely requested, thinking a walk would add some spice to it.
“Hey,”
You didn't need to turn to find out who it was that appeared. From the voice alone, including the warm presence you felt, you concluded that Heeseung had made his presence known. He stood next to you, hands in his pockets, decked out in a sleek suit.
“Hey. You're all dressed up,” you reached over to fix his tie, straightening it to make sure it wasn’t crooked. After all, a good impression was important. “And, you finally know how to tie your own tie,”
“I always knew how to do that,” Heeseung argued back, though it was a weak argument, knowing you had struck dead on a bullseye.
“No, you don't,”
“Yes, I do,”
“Then who’s been the one tying it for you whenever you mess up? Jay?”
Heeseung breathed sharply through his nose, realising you had the last word, but he didn’t mind, a smile proved it, just from thinking about the memories of you fixing his every fucked up tie. “It’s you,”
“That’s right,” you saw that smile of his stretched across his lips, the suddenness of your heart jumping at the sight made your hand fall from his tie, your expressions unknowingly faltering. You recovered yourself in an instant, relieved that Heeseung hadn’t caught onto it. “Are you waiting here too?”
“I’m heading to the restaurant, we’re meeting there. Is your date coming? We can walk together if you’d like,”
“I’d love to, but we’re meeting here,” you softened at his suggestion, noting the hint of disappointment in your tone that you hoped he didn’t notice. There was a short moment of silence that neither you nor him minded, just taking in each other’s presence. “Thanks, Heeseung,”
Heeseung smiled, but it didn’t reach his eyes like it always did. Despite the noises surrounding you, whether it was people talking or the traffic of the busy city, in that moment, you only had each other in focus. “No problem. See you tomorrow?”
You nodded, reaching your hand over again to give him a slightly encouraging squeeze to the shoulder. “I’ll see you tomorrow. Good luck,”
“You too.”
Meeting Mark started off great, the walk to the restaurant had gone according to plan, you managed to get to know more about this guy in Chaewon’s marketing department. He loved cycling, had a cat, lived in the upstate area, basically an ideal recipe for a good boyfriend. You knew you could trust Chaewon’s taste.
Dinner had a slow start to it. You listened to Mark talking about his latest discoveries of restaurants nearby, liking how he carried himself, especially when he spoke of his interests that only made him more interesting. Maybe, just maybe, there was a chance that this would break your ‘first date curse’, that there’d be an actual second date waiting for you.
However, you were wrong, so wrong.
By the time dessert was served, you thought your ears were about to fall off from Mark’s continuous rant about his ex girlfriend. At first, it began with only a simple mention of her, eventually it turned into an emotional spiel, then finally, he decided to close the night off with confessing his longings for her, which beats the entire purpose of the date and ruined your appetite for dessert.
You didn’t bother for him to walk you home, you figured you needed alone time to sort out your afterthoughts about the disastrous date. The moment you bid him goodbye, you knew there was no next time, surely you weren’t going to bump into him either. Once he disappeared around the corner, you found the courage to move, but as you were about to turn and leave, you spotted another figure across the street.
Heeseung.
Likewise, he had seen you at the same time that you did, meeting your eyes almost instantly. You couldn’t help frowning, noticing the lack of his date’s presence, questioning why he was alone just like you were. It didn’t take him another second before he crossed the road skillfully, dodging the traffic as if it was nothing. He appeared right in front of you within a blink of an eye, wearing the brightest smile that resembled the stars in the night sky.
“Didn’t think I’d see you tonight,” you said truthfully, thinking the interaction you had with him before the date was going to be the last time you saw him until the next day. Little did you know, fate had other things set in motion for you and him.
“I thought so too. I’m glad I got to see you though,” he was genuine, you could tell, his smile remained on his face softly, as if your presence was enough to evoke one from him. “How’s your date? Has he left?”
“Don’t talk about my date, it was another disaster,”
“Was he married again?”
“What—no! God, no. I don’t think I can handle it if it happened again,” you shook your head harshly, mostly trying to physically shake the thoughts from your head. You swallowed, uncomfortably shifting on your feet. “He was talking about his ex,”
“Ouch!” Heeseung exclaimed, dramatically placing a hand on his chest.
“I know!”
“The worst kind of date to have,”
“Tell me about it. I had to sit there and hear him yap about her and how she’s a bitch, but then she’s suddenly an angel that he lost,”
His eyebrows furrowed, a frown pulled at his lips, the same one he had whenever a waiter got his order wrong. He clicked his tongue, shaking his head gently. “You know what he truly lost? You,”
You searched his eyes for the truth, terrified he was lying through his teeth, that he was saying things to make your heart jump just for it to be all in your head. “You’re only saying that to make me feel better,”
“I've never lied to you, Y/N,” there, in the middle of a sidewalk, in his suit, Heeseung confessed his thoughts, the moon illuminating the honesty hidden behind his eyes, highlighting the truth laced in his words. “You looked beautiful tonight,”
“Thank you,” you had to ignore the feeling of warmth creeping up your cheeks, hoping—no—praying the darkness managed to cover it. “How was your date? I don’t see her anywhere,”
Heeseung pulled a face, shoulders stiffening at the mention of his night, which gave the clear impression that it didn’t turn out well. “She’s … I don’t know. I didn’t click with her, unfortunately. I don’t think she was interested either, honestly. We went our own ways after, that’s it,”
“Oh, Heeseung,” you winced, making a face that screamed ‘yikes’, causing him to click his tongue in annoyance.
“Don’t start the pity party, it was mutual,” he reached for your arm, pulling you to walk with him, starting your journey back to the apartment. You couldn’t explain it, but the usual route back home became more comforting with him by your side. “I think I might lay off the whole dating thing for a while and focus on work,”
“When was the last time you got laid?”
Heeseung turned to look at you with his mouth hung open midway, partially offended but also shocked at the fact that you dared to ask a question knowing it targeted his already weakened pride. This wasn’t the type of topic the two of you would shy away from, the years of being friends amounted to many awkward instances that trained either of you to turn insensitive to things others would view as taboos in friendships consisting of opposite genders.
You raised an eyebrow, prodding him to answer your question. He rolled his eyes dramatically, exhaling a long, exhausted sigh. All this and he would call you the ‘drama queen’. “Almost three months ago,”
“A-ha! No wonder you said that,” you pointed an accusatory finger at him, nearly cackling in his face. “Men who say they ‘give up’ on dating are usually the ones that are fumbling their chances with a girl time after time. Is that not you?”
“Ouch?” he placed a hand on his chest, mocking a bullet to his heart, feigning a devastated frown to earn pity points from you. Spoiler alert, it failed, because all you could do was laugh at him, ticking him off further. “It’s not my fault I can’t click with anyone. They’re not …” Heeseung bit his tongue at the realisation of almost completing his sentence with ‘you’, the word coming to him in an instinct he didn’t bother to question. Shaking the thought away, he decided to omit it, burying it down in the pits of his abdomen. “They’re not the kind of people that share the same values as I do, you know?”
“I know,” you nodded slowly, wearing a small smile, somewhat relating to him on various levels. The date with Mark being a sinking ship was clear evidence. “I’m not having any luck in that department either. Look at us tonight,” you met his eyes, sharing a mutual understanding, one that neither of you needed to communicate, resulting in a fit of laughter, self-deprecating and wildly targeted at yourselves.
“It just means not yet,” by the time he said that, the both of you had already arrived on the doorsteps of your apartments, conveniently across from each other. It sounded close to a promise of the future, the conviction in his voice nearly convinced you. You hummed in response, contemplating his words, quietly pondering if the day where you’d find love would come. Movies depicting New York as the city where love resided gave you a sense of false hope when you got here. Now years later, you were slapped in the face with the reality of its dating pool.
Choosing to move past the topic of love and dating, you decided to bring up a much more relevant question that’s been bugging you since you saw him earlier on. “Are you coming over for breakfast tomorrow? I'm making pancakes,”
“Are they better than Jay’s?”
“Probably not, but I swear I’ll put butter on top instead of whip cream, the way you like it best,”
“You know me too well,”
You smiled. Of course you did. “Goodnight, Heeseung.”
“Goodnight, Y/N.”
Neither of you dared to reach out to hug the other, it was evident that the both of you wanted to, but unexplainably so, you were too afraid to. Maybe it was the sudden switch in the atmosphere that you couldn’t pinpoint accurately. All you knew was that you could feel his gaze linger on you even as you entered your apartment, feeling his warmth in the empty apartment of yours.
“Heeseung was here for breakfast this morning,”
In your shared living room with Yunjin, she happened to be bringing up some minor details of the day to Chaewon. The three of you were getting ready for Jake’s celebratory dinner at a fine dining restaurant uptown. It would only be fair if you got to prepare yourselves together, choosing the best dresses and gossiping about the latest scandal, except it somehow redirected to you.
“And you got home pretty late last night too,” Yunjin pointed a finger at you, two pairs of eyes turned to look at you, expecting at least a pinch of explanation for a link between these two situations. Shrugging, you couldn’t understand what Yunjin was trying to get out of this, or you were pretending not to know where it was going.
“I had a date with Mark, remember?”
“Nuh-uh,” Yunjin chastised, clicking her tongue, and wagging her finger. Chaewon, on the other hand, scratched at her head, closely observing Yunjin’s thorough investigation. “He’s not the one who walked you home. You would always invite your dates in for coffee, but you didn’t last night, so it means the date failed,”
Right, you didn’t need another reminder from Sherlock Holmes telling you that the only date you had in several months ended up in a ditch. “Okay! Yes, my date with Mark didn’t go as planned,” you threw your arms up in surrender, hoping to move on from your misery, thus choosing to come clean against your will. You moved from the kitchen table to fling your body onto the couch, the bottom of your shirt riding up your hip. “I bumped into Heeseung, then we walked home together, that’s all,”
Yunjin and Chaewon exchanged a knowing glance instantly, as if it was on instinct, leaving you completely out of the loop. They got up from their respective positions and joined you on the couch, one on each side, closing in on you with questions written all over their faces. “That’s … all?” Chaewon added, sounding either hopeful or skeptical, a blurry line between the two,
“Yes,” you affirmed, scoffing humorously at your friends’ ridiculous behaviours. “What?” you turned your head from one to the other to give both of them a curious frown, unable to gauge their thoughts. Whatever they were, they weren’t good, nor were they going to make your frown turn upside down.
“Are you wearing Heeseung’s shirt?” Yunjin pointed at the graphic tee you had on, fooling nobody as it obviously was not fitted for you. To dig your grave deeper, your friends believed you weren’t a fan of Star Trek either, hence the shirt with a large print of Spock made no sense. “He came in asking if he left it here,”
“I borrowed it, that’s it,” you presented your point, but Yunjin and Chaewon weren’t pleased. They were nowhere near satisfied, and it seemed they were willing to go lengths just to squeeze an answer or any semblance of information out of you whether you liked it or not. Your friends were crazy. Period. A fact you had known since the beginning.
“What is Heeseung to you, Y/N?” Yunjin propped her elbows on her knees, chin rested on her palms, staring expectantly at you through her eyelashes.
“Huh?” One question from Yunjin suddenly had the power to wipe off every thought from your head, mind as blank as a sheet of paper. If anything, it was panic that set in.
“You heard her, Y/N,” Chaewon nudged you, seeing through your act of ignorance. Obviously she would, she knew you the best when it came to your feelings. “What’s it between you and Heeseung?”
“He’s my friend—my best friend,” you emphasised on ‘friend’ as though it was successfully helping your point. It was a fact either way. Heeseung was your best friend, he has been for the last five years, your first official friend slash neighbour since moving to the city. He was just that, just Heeseung, nothing more.
“Men and women can’t be just friends,” Yunjin argued, supported by Chaewon who was nodding fervently next to you.
“You know you’re friends with men too, right?” you squinted at her doubtfully, her idea completely defeated the purpose of your own friendgroup.
“I know, we’ve already gone through it,” Yunjin nodded over to Chaewon, her nodding becoming more pronounced, a hushed ‘yeah’ escaped her breath, filled with partial guilt.
“Excuse me?”
“Alright, maybe Chaewon and I had some … past encounters with Jay and Jake, but none of them turned into anything. Oh, God forbid,” Yunjin brushed past your stunned silence, not batting an eye at your face frozen in shock, such information being exchanged before a dinner with said friends wasn’t good for your wellbeing. “It proves my point. Even if nobody says it outwardly, it’s a known fact,”
“There are platonic friendships,” you argued, knowing it was weak, and you were also losing. However, you were standing firm that you and Heeseung were nothing more than friends, close, good friends that understood each other well. That’s it.
“Explain ‘When Harry Met Sally’,” Chaewon was actually using one of your favourite rom-coms against you, you couldn’t believe it, this was total betrayal. How could a movie with Meg Ryan and Billy Crystal be a reflection of your life? That’s far-fetched. “They didn’t like each other at first, but they eventually became friends, then realised they loved each other—not platonically,”
“Come on, that’s a movie,”
“It’s an example for your case,” Yunjin poked your shoulder, tilting her head to one side, presenting her puppy eyes to you. Unfortunately for her, you weren’t letting yourself get convinced by their crazy theories and philosophies. Standing up from the couch, you put your foot down—quite literally so.
“Guys, Heeseung and I will never be more than just friends, that’s crazy. I’m sure the others don’t share the same ideas as you two,” your laugh gradually died down when you saw the looks on their faces, telling you that your two other friends did think you and Heeseung could cross the lines of friendship. “Nevermind. Still, it’s impossible. He’s never once given me signs that he likes me that way,”
“I’d like to disagree,” Yunjin raised her hand, Chaewon following suit.
“Me too,”
You chose to dismiss them, clapping your hands together, staring down at them with your lips pressed tightly together. “Agree to disagree. And I’ll move on. My point is, we’re friends, end of story. There’s no way it’ll happen. Ever,”
“This is going to end up biting you in your ass, Y/N,” Yunjin seemed a bit more serious this time, genuine concern laced in her tone, the crinkles in between her eyebrows showed her thoughts without verbally expressing them.
“Not if nothing happens and everything stays the same. I’ll come out unscathed,” you sounded determined, though your heart and mind were the complete opposite, but you ignored them for now, uncertain how long you could continue to do so. “I’ll prove it to you that we’re just friends,”
“How?” Chaewon shared the same doubts as you did, except you were much better at hiding them.
“You’ll see,”
Coincidences were frightening. At that moment, there came a series of knocks on your door that you recognised in a matter of seconds. Your neighbours, Heeseung and Jay, were ready to leave for the scheduled dinner. They seemed to know when and how to make their presence known as usual. It would be believable if someone told you they’ve been listening behind the door all along, but you figured that’d be your nightmare that night instead of it being reality.
“Are you guys ready?”
Exchanging frantic glances, the three of you burst out laughing at the so-called ‘divine timing’. You were quick to shush them in order to lower any suspicions from the other end. Giggles were hard to stifle completely, most of which stemmed from your two giddy friends. You picked up your clutch from the coffee table, ready to run to your room to change. The other two hopped off the couch to make finishing touches to their makeup.
“Be there in a few minutes!”
Trying to ignore your friends’ claims of you and your guy best friend potentially being a thing wasn’t easy, not when he was seated next to you throughout dinner.
God damn it.
“…and that is how I secured the job. I still can’t believe it,” Jake finished his lengthy story, explaining the entire process that got him his new position at NYU. A few glasses of wine in, every one of you were far from being completely sober. Well, that was excluding Jake and Heeseung, the default duo that avoided drinking and had the responsibility of looking over the group.
“So, what’s your lesson plan?” Chaewon chewed on her piece of french fries obnoxiously, showing actual curiosity about his job while Jay and Yunjin were engrossed in refilling each others’ cups with more wine. That left you and Heeseung to yourselves, both of you had already disassociated from the earlier conversation (sorry, Jake).
“Are you okay?” Heeseung looked over at you, noting your unusual silence since the start of dinner. Normally, you would be grateful for how observant he was, that he wouldn’t miss a single chance to check in on you if he noticed something was off. This time, however, he was the last person you wished to be conversing with.
“Peachy,” you raised your wine glass at him before drinking a sip out of it, eyes widening just a fraction behind the glass. Yunjin and Chaewon truly set you up for failure by dropping a bomb on you. Now, you’re stuck trying to be normal around Heeseung with a different perspective compared to hours ago. “Just thinking,”
“About?”
You. Lee Heeseung. Honesty wasn’t always the best policy, thus you blurted out the second thing you had in mind. “‘When Harry Met Sally’,”
Heeseung blinked for a few beats, realisation gradually setting in, a breathy chuckle left his lips. He shook his head in disbelief, not understanding your craze around that movie. What did he know about the superiority of friends to lovers trope anyway? “Don’t tell me you’re on your—what—tenth rewatch?”
“It’s my twelfth, actually,” you corrected sharply, holding a finger up. You took another bigger gulp of wine when Jay filled your cup, both him and Yunjin were on the way to getting drunk from finishing nearly the entire bottom themselves. “The best romance movie made of all time, period,”
“Over ‘Grease’? ‘The Princess Bride’? Oh, ‘Dirty Dancing’? Those are our favourites,” Heeseung gasped, sounding betrayed by your choice of romance movies. You didn’t miss the hidden detail where he stressed on the movies he listed were ‘our’ favourites. Not ‘mine’, but ‘our’, as in you and I. God, you wished you were less aware of every tiny aspect about what he said or did.
“You’re only saying that because I made you watch ‘When Harry Met Sally’ ten times out of my twelve rewatches, and you’re sick of it,”
“I am sick of it,”
“But if I invited you over for the thirteenth rewatch as a movie night, you’d come, wouldn’t you?” you leaned closer to him, wearing a cheeky smile to tease him even more. He gave you one of his classic eye rolls, trying to come off as annoyed only for the grin on his lips to sell him out.
“Of course I would, you know that,” he flicked your forehead softly, pulling a humorous laugh from you. You’ve always been easily amused by him. Heeseung kept his gaze on you, hiding his smile with his glass of water which he was drinking out of.
“Y/N!” Jay semi-shouted from across the table, getting many shushes from your friends, yet his tipsy state meant he was extra shameless, so he continued to wave at you. “Let me pour you another glass!”
You slid him your almost empty wine glass, watching him pour you an obscene amount of wine. What didn’t help was you meeting Yunjin’s eyes, and you could clearly read the message she was trying to convey with a single raise of her eyebrows, alongside the slight nod to the person next to you. You had a feeling she was keeping a close watch on you the whole night.
Taking your glass back, you stared at it with an expression that could only be described as dreadful delight. Sure, you were more than happy to indulge in expensive Italian wine, but the thought of the aftermath usually pained you more than the initial pleasure. After all, you would admit being a lightweight contrary to the constant denials that you were not one. Your drinking records and history would betray you immensely.
“If you can’t drink that much, I can help,” Heeseung, your knight in shining armour, butted in to lend you a helping hand. But it wasn’t his first day knowing you. You weren’t someone who would go down without a fight. He had to learn it the hard way in the past, so if he were to give a stance on this, he chose to step away from stopping you.
“I can handle it,”
“Are you sure?”
“I’m very sure, don’t worry.”
Turns out, you couldn’t handle it, and your assurance was for nothing. The restaurant probably hated you and your friends for stumbling out, slurring incoherently, only two out of the six were visibly sober, bearing the burden to carry all of the others away from the place and into two separate cabs. The usual plan was enforced. Jake would bring Chaewon home, while Heeseung had to deal with dumb, dumber, and dumbest.
Don’t even get Heeseung started on how he managed to get the three of you up the flight of stairs in the apartment building. It was a miracle all of you were just heavily tipsy, and not full on drunk, that would be a tale for another day. He made sure Jay got into their apartment before escorting you and Yunjin back to yours. Yunjin muttered a grateful ‘thanks’ to him then disappeared into her room, which meant it was you and Heeseung together again. Alone.
“I had a fun night,” you twirled around in his arms, breaking into a song out of nowhere, the alcohol in your system visibly getting to you. The lyrics of your favourite ABBA song was being jumbled up in your mouth, Heeseung doing his utmost best to correct you as he stifled his laughter. “We should have another dinner party,”
“We will. Once everyone is sober,” he had his hand on your back, guiding you towards the couch, placing a bunch of pillows behind you. His patience was commendable. You settled into your seat, appreciating the warmth coming from his side, his shoulder pressed against yours. The comfort of his presence resembled a warm hug on a rainy day, enveloping you in constant assurance. It was something that could never get old. You leaned your head on his shoulder, snuggling closer to him.
“Remember our first trip to the beach?” You reminisced about the time when you and the others packed up for the weekend to head to the beach, courtesy of Chaewon’s aunt allowing every one of you to stay at her beach house. That trip alone was a key factor to your long lasting friendship, witnessing the highs and lows of your friends while they also watched yours, and that was barely an exaggeration.
Heeseung nodded slowly, curious to where your babbling was going. “What about it?”
“I still think about us on the beach—I meant the both of us—when we walked on the shoreline, collecting seashells. I think that is one of my favourite memories ever,” your eyelids were getting heavy, every word was uttered with whatever power left in you. Heeseung took a peek at you, smiling at your serene state.
“It’s one of mine too. I remember all the sunsets and sunrises there. It was beautiful … unforgettable,” Heeseung could go on and on about that weekend spent there, it was the first trip you and your friends took as a group, one of the most chaotic trips as well. But it also happened to be the time where Heeseung realised he viewed you differently from the rest. “I still have the picture I took of you and the sunset,”
You were partly clear-headed at that moment, stunned by the memory he brought up out of the blue. He had never once forgotten about it, neither did you. Most importantly, it was how he said it which made your heart experience sensations you hadn’t felt in a long time. This was Heeseung, your Heeseung, a friend and a brother figure, there shouldn’t be anything more than that, should it? “And I have the seashells we collected together,”
Heeseung’s expressions softened, his lips twisted into a smile full of nostalgia, recalling the memory fondly as if it had just happened a few weekends ago. If he closed his eyes tightly for a minute, he may be transported back to then. The sound of the sea waves, the smell of the salty breeze, your laughter taking space in his mind. He was grateful his face wasn’t fully in view for you to see in case his eyes turned against him. He might’ve been silent, but his gaze spoke for him. Longing and missing the absence of the burden of carrying his heavy feelings.
“Heeseung,” you called out his name, breaking the thick silence, startling him awake from his trance-like state. He twisted his neck slowly to look at you, inspecting you closely in search of any troubles. Your stoic face seemed to not give anything away.
“Hm?”
“I think I need to puke,”
The calmness behind that statement managed to evoke sheer alarm in Heeseung. He was about to jolt out of his seat when he remembered you were leaning on him. As gentle as he could, he removed your head from his shoulder, pulling you up from the couch with him, holding onto you carefully.
“Let’s do that in the bathroom, shall we?”
“I don’t think I’m drinking again, Hee,”
“You say that every time you drink,”
The urge to release all your discomfort came rushing when you regurgitated the night’s contents into the toilet bowl. You were kneeling on your bathroom floor, bent over the toilet bowl, puking in intervals, looking absolutely pathetic, all while Heeseung held onto your hair. He never complained, treating it as another night stuck with a drunk you. Now that you were much more stable than before without nausea knocking on your door little by little, you were stuck on the thought of whether your puking episode was induced by the alcohol or Heeseung as a whole.
Holding onto that thought in mind, you collapsed onto the ground from fatigue, sitting slouched against your bathroom walls, feeling ten times lighter and a million times better. Heeseung knelt before you, holding onto either side of your head as it kept lolling back. Sleep was evidently getting close to you, the fluttering of your eyelids revealed your tiredness without a doubt. You forced your eyes open, instantly staring into his, a gleeful smile involuntarily appearing on your face. If Yunjin and Chaewon saw you then, you would be a goner, your attempt to prove them wrong would be redundant.
“Why are you so good to me?”
“I don’t know how not to be. It’s easy when it’s you,” Heeseung gently pressed your cheeks together, chuckling under his breath at your mildly irritated expression. He probably thought it was due to him playfully teasing you by squeezing your face, but in actuality, you were bothered by his words, how he said them without any hesitance as though it was second nature. None of it was as casual as he made it out to be.
Heeseung’s eyes flickered, gradually recognising what had actually left his lips as it slowly settled in, causing him to clear his throat, swallowing thickly. “Because that’s what friends do,”
The changes in your microexpressions were swift, face falling with a frown etching itself into your skin, all of which were barely noticeable if not scrutinized upon, but knowing Heeseung, you had a feeling he might’ve caught onto it at first glance. You couldn’t explain the disappointment burning into your bones once you registered what he said, the cut only went deeper knowing it came personally from him, not the voices screaming in the back of your mind. Shooting you possibly hurts less.
It was what you wanted, wasn’t it? To establish you and him were purely friends and nothing more. That was the whole point of your conviction to your own friends, it would be embarrassing to go back on it. But why were you sorely unhappy when he himself claimed that you and him were friends? Till the point where it was causing you uncontrollable sorrow that you had to push his hands away, using the walls as support to get yourself off the ground.
Severely caught off guard, Heeseung tried to help you in the process of standing up, though it wasn’t much when you got on your own two feet by yourself. Great, you felt the nauseating feeling in the back of your throat returning, only this time, you were certain it was caused by Heeseung. Speaking of Heeseung, you were met with his utterly perplexed yet worried look twisted in his tired face, wordlessly begging for answers that you couldn’t seem to provide.
“It’s getting late, and you’re tired. I can manage,” you opened the bathroom door, exiting through it while still facing Heeseung, hoping you wouldn’t get betrayed by your feet while walking backwards foolishly. “See? I can walk perfectly fine—”
Scratch that.
You spoke too soon. As always. Another step taken backwards, your foot landed in an odd direction, which instantly caused you to lose your balance. Despite his exhaustion after a long night, his senses were constantly on high alert, hand flying out to grab onto your forearm, stopping you from falling back. To make things worse, he yanked onto your arm, pulling you into him without considering your frail state of mind and body, explaining your current position of your hands propped against his shoulder.
“Still clumsy,” Heeseung attempted to break the silence with a lighthearted jab, which may have backfired a little when you continued to be unresponsive, silently staring at him with your mouth slightly ajar. The proximity wasn’t helping your prior mental war with yourself either. The concoction of intoxication and incoming hormone fluctuations were actively going against you as you battled with attraction and horror. You chose to respond to the horrifications created in your mind instead of the other.
“Not a single scratch,” you removed yourself from his hold for another time that night, chuckling nervously, your breath itself was also shaky. Definitely not helping your case. “Thanks again,”
“It’s alright,” no sarcastic comments, no targeted digs at you, no usual Heeseung-like behaviour, it was purely him. Earnest and serious, another side of him that he wasn’t afraid to reveal to you.
“That’s what friends do, right? Saving each others’ asses,” you weren’t in your right mind, it was evident when you said that and proceeded to punch Heeseung lightly on his shoulder to cover up your embarrassment. Heeseung wasn’t entirely thrilled after hearing that. It could be your eyes deceiving you, but you swore there was a flash of solemnness taking over his face at one point. He had the same look as the time he got heartbroken by his cat going missing.
“Right, friends,” he repeated that word with enough sourness to make others think he had issues socialising growing up, giving people the impression that he had an agenda against friends. The air in your apartment was turning stuffy by the minute, it was practically calling for you to force windows open because you were far from breathing properly. He released a sigh under his breath, taking a step to the side, his gaze stuck to his shoes. “I think I should get going now. Wash up and sleep. There’s medicine in your bedside table if you forget,”
“See you in the morning, Hee.” you couldn’t bear to follow him to the door, it was as though your body failed to comply with your mind completely. It was your pair of eyes that went after him, closely watching his every move to the door. He spared you one last look, not even a single smile that he would usually have whenever he’s at the door or at the mention of his nickname. Just like that, he was gone, and you were there staring blankly at your door, heart dropping to your abdomen for reasons you couldn’t come to terms with.
What have you done?
“Does this match the curtains?”
You were standing in the middle of the furniture and home decor section of Bloomingdale’s with Heeseung next to you. It was conveniently a Saturday evening right before a dinner plan at your apartment with your friends, but unlike any other Saturdays, it was your birthday. As a way to celebrate, you decided to treat yourself to new additions to your apartment’s decor, not without Heeseung’s presence though. Truthfully, it was an unconventionally weird way to celebrate yourself, but Heeseung was used to it, rather desensitized if he could argue.
“Realistically, you wouldn’t even display this on the coffee table, so let’s put this down,” Heeseung grabbed the quirky-looking monkey figure from your hand to place it back at its original position. “The duck you got last year is still rotting in your kitchen drawer,”
“Didn’t need to spoil my party,” you pouted, feigning hurt in hopes for Heeseung to take his words back, but he knew you a little too well, seeing through your patterns to ignore them. Instead, he threw an arm around your shoulder, pulling you closer to his side. The sudden physical proximity had turned you frozen under his touch for a split second, eventually easing into it like how you usually would be.
Acting wasn’t your forte. You’ve known that since your first and last musical appearance as tree number four in your middle school play. But lately, you found yourself being an Oscar winning actress pretending like the usual jokes or physical touches weren’t bugging you, hiding how that entire night had been bothering you since he left your apartment. Don’t get you started on your friends. You should win a Golden Globe alongside the Oscar for convincing them nothing special happened, that he sent you home and left right after. Yeah, you wished it transpired in that precise order.
That night was an emotional scar if you would put it one way or another. It was left painfully unanswered like a telephone call, neither you nor him addressed what went down, deciding to brush past whatever it was when you called each other ‘friends’ and that stifling tension between the both of you. Everything you could recall from that particular night became a frightful memory, marking a significant change in the course of your friendship. Although none of you had said anything about it, you were sure he could feel it just as you did. But of course, you chose to stay silent in fear it would affect your friendship with him, and he most likely shared the same sentiment, doing anything just to stay safe.
Basically, it summed up your whole friendship.
“So, how does it feel turning another year older?”
“Feels like shit,” you lamented, the idea of being closer to a mid-life crisis wasn’t exactly tasteful. Growing up, birthdays weren’t your favourite time of the year (truth be told, it was Christmas). Hey, what’s really so fascinating about getting older? Cakes, candles, balloons, those looked nicer in movies or parties for your friends rather than at your own party, it didn’t feel the same when it was for you.
“Hey, we got you your favourite cherry cake from that bakery downtown, so don’t get all pessimistic about your big day,” Oh, traditions, you loved them. Since your first year in New York, you’ve always gotten the same cake for your birthday, a cherry cake glazed with chocolate, heaven introduced in your mouth. With that cherry cake and your friends, those were all you needed for your birthday. Maybe also a call from your family.
“You know I get sappy whenever it’s my birthday, I can’t help it,” you innocently shrugged, but he didn’t buy it for a second time, he was aware of your minor disdain for your own birthdays, and he has made it known that he wanted to change that. “You can help if you get me this—” you grabbed a stuffed monkey toy from the display, parading it in front of Heeseung’s face obnoxiously, your shit-eating grin wasn’t supporting your argument. “It’s speaking to me,”
“How many more monkeys do you need in your apartment?”
“I don’t think I have enough,” to be fair, you had one sad and lonely monkey related item currently residing in your kitchen, which was the monkey clock, Marvin, a treasured item you named after Marvin the Martian from the Looney Tunes. Yunjin had maternal instincts towards the wee monkey; she has made it known since it appeared in the apartment. You reckoned it needed a friend in the house. “Marvin needs a companion,”
“Marvin’s mothers should pay more attention to him instead,”
“Or Marvin’s uncle can get him a sibling? Friend, perhaps?” you were pulling out the signature sweet tone you used for convincing someone, holding back a bark of laughter at how he had enough of your measly act. “Please?” you held the monkey plushie at eye-level, covering your face with it while pleading with Heeseung. In his point of view, you were a demon with horns poking out of your head who knew what trouble you were up to exactly, utilizing your strengths of winning him over.
Like a weak bastard that he very much was, he bought you the monkey plushie. He blamed himself for caving into your pleas, knowing damn well he was going to end up complaining to your friends only for them to hit him back with ‘you couldn’t say no to her’ yet again, which always successfully shut him up.
He was a weak-willed man, what can you say? But at the same time, this man also happened to be sly, and succeeded at moving under the radar. As you yapped away to Heeseung about the affordability of groceries, what you thought was a normal walk back to your apartment was actually a hidden plan of Heeseung preparing to bring you to your surprise party at the apartment. That’s right, Lee Heeseung planned a party for you with the help of your friends. And he was not screwing it up.
Coordination was hard to achieve when it came to dealing with your friends, that was another thing Heeseung had to learn the hard way. All that turned to nothing when he saw the smile on your face once the door to your apartment ripped open, revealing your friends, colleagues and some members of your family. Those gleaming eyes of yours stared right at him, emotions swirling within them, almost in denial that everyone you loved was there for you. It didn’t take you more than a second to know he was the one behind this, you just knew, which only choked you up further when you wrapped your arms around him, heart swelling in your chest.
“Thank you.” You whispered into his ears, arms tightening around him a little more. He said nothing, rubbing his palm on your back, a soft kiss lingered similar to a ghost on the top of your head. Soon, you pulled away, his hands on your waist stayed for a beat longer, almost in a desperate attempt to hold onto you a bit more. Your touch then left as quick as it came, imprinting into his memory like an addiction that was hard to overcome. He watched as you left his side to greet the guests and thank your other friends, a slight smile resting on his lips, feeling as though you were so close yet so far.
You surrounded yourselves with your friends, doing anything but acknowledging Heeseung’s gaze from across the room, convincing yourself that it meant nothing more than what it seemed. There were a few instances where you met his eyes, exchanging brief smiles, pretending that either one of you weren’t already looking at the other in the first place. At the end of the day, you and him were friends, just friends, nothing more, or that was what you said to yourself as a reminder, especially when your heart picked up a few paces quicker around him.
‘Grateful’ wasn’t close to describing how you felt that night. Good food, great companies, amazing cake, a rich collection of gifts, maybe turning another year older wasn’t as frightening as you thought it was. By the end of the evening, with all the guests gone, your friends leaving one by one, Yunjin calling an early night, you took it upon yourself to clean the apartment up, under the condition where Heeseung would lend you a helping hand.
“I still can’t believe you were the mastermind behind all this,” you expressed your surprise that never went away since the start of the party, throwing the cloth down as you finished wiping the countertop, the last part of your strategic cleaning plan. Joining Heeseung on the couch, resting your feet on top of the coffee table, you let out a breath of relief when you relaxed your body into the soft material.
“You have that little faith in me?” he turned to give you a small frown, extracting a breathy chuckle from you.
“Heeseung, you can’t even plan a trip to the dentist,”
“Ouch?”
You grinned, keeping your eyes on him a minute more before you spoke again, letting the peaceful silence calm the crashing waves in the midst of this storm. His gaze never wandered astray, focusing on you and solely you, the intensity of it nearly got you shifting uneasily in your seat. “Thanks for tonight, Hee, I mean it. You made it less scary to turn older,”
“I’m glad then,” there was a visible sign of relief flushing across his entire body, the time he spent planning hadn’t gone to waste. Everything had indeed worked out according to his favour, and getting to see you smile so widely during the cutting of your cake was the best part of it.
“I still haven’t got my present from you,”
“I know. I was hoping you’d ask me to stay,”
“You know I’ll always ask you to stay,”
One thing you didn’t manage to fathom then was the weight of your words and the consequences they carried. It might’ve been said carelessly and casually, but you meant it—deeply. A fraction of Heeseung’s smile faltered, an equal amount of realisation dawning on him, which was eventually deflected by resorting to a swift grab of your present from under the coffee table. A small box was presented to you in the palm of his hands, a red ribbon tied around it with a handwritten birthday card. His scribbly handwriting was distinct, you recognised it at once.
“Open it,” he egged you on, anticipating your reaction, an excited glint to his irises that sparked your curiosity. You shushed him for urging you, then settled into your own pace by unknotting the ribbon and opening the box slowly, your own expectations getting to you. Luckily, you were far from disappointed. On the contrary, you were taken aback from his choice of gift.
The content of the box revealed itself to be a gleaming silver chain with a small heart pendant. To others, it might seem like a typical birthday present, but you knew better. It wasn’t any ordinary necklace, you recognised it in a heartbeat, it was the one on display that you stopped to stare when you waited for Heeseung. You thought he hadn’t noticed that day, the two of you embarked on your walk as though you weren’t staring at the necklace through the shop window for at least five minutes.
“Really?” you gasped, eyes flitting between him and the necklace in your hands, wondering whether it was truly in your possession. You didn’t know which surprised you more, getting a piece of jewellery that you dreamt of or Heeseung paying attention to every minor detail when it came to you. You set the box down, pulling him into a hug without thinking twice. “You knew,”
“I saw you that day. You were looming around the window, staring at that particular necklace. I had a feeling you wouldn’t get it after you pretended not to care when I showed up,” you chuckled mainly out of embarrassment at how Heeseung read you to filth. That’s what you get for having a best friend. “I went back the next day and bought it. Thought it was out of a whim, I didn’t know how or when to give it to you, so I saved it for your birthday,”
He bought it with you in mind the entire time. One thing’s certain, you were touched, and very much emotional. He had successfully gotten you in your feels, but also simultaneously confused. Was this something friends do, you thought to yourself. You pulled away from him, arms still wrapped around his neck, the intimacy in this wasn’t expressed, but it was certainly felt and understood between you and him. “Thank you,”
“You’re welcome. I hope you like it,”
“I love it.” It wasn’t an extravagant piece, it was just right, something that screamed ‘you’. You were scared to pick it up and take it out of the box, admiring it just as you did at that shop window. Like always, Heeseung noticed every little shift in your demeanor, sensing your hesitance at once. He took the box from your hold, removing the delicate necklace from its position. One lift of his eyebrows conveyed an adequate message for you to turn around, sweeping your hair to the other shoulder, unintentionally holding your breath while you waited.
The cold chain sent small chills all over your body when it touched your skin, the sensation soon overpowered by the feeling of his fingers grazing against the back of neck as he fiddled with the clasp. His lackluster attempt was painful to endure, you had to grit your teeth while pretending it wasn’t bothering you, that none of this meant anything beyond the lines of friendship. That his act of buying you the necklace and putting it on you weren’t something for you to read into.
Suddenly, the heart pendant hanging on the necklace weighed heavier around your neck. While you tossed around in bed, all you could think of was Heeseung and the emotions stirred internally whenever you were around him, most of which you pushed down and prayed against. What more was needed for you to listen to your heart when he quite literally gave you his heart first? That necklace was him blatantly handing you his fragile heart, and you were cursed with the responsibility of carrying it with you all the time.
“You’re kidding me,”
Nothing was more comforting than a warm cup of coffee at your favourite coffee house the morning after. Then again, your peace was routinely ruined by your two preying best friends. Yunjin and Chaewon never wasted a second more to square down on you and attack like a hawk, edging you to the side of the sofa as you held onto your mug out of fear.
“He got you the necklace you’ve been eyeing for months,” Yunjin was eye-levelled with the necklace sitting on your chest, in between gawking and shocked, mostly unable to comprehend the layers of this situation. “And you never told him. He just did it because he wanted to,”
“I’m sick of the two of you circling each other!” Chaewon groaned, punching the pillows with pure frustration that wasn’t fueled by caffeine, gaining several customers’ attention. Her tiredness regarding this topic about you and Heeseung was equally shared by Yunjin, both girls stared at you with an unmistakable question splattered over their faces: ‘what are you going to do now?’
“We’re not. It’s nothing,” you muttered into your cup of coffee, avoiding every confrontation as though it were a plague chasing you. Each time you did so, you started to realise the walls were getting brittle and breaking down, that you could no longer say you and Heeseung were nothing with full confidence. Because frankly, you were beginning to doubt even yourself.
“If you’re really not into Heeseung, then prove it. Go on a double date,” Yunjin officially stood her ground, beyond being annoyed with her two best friends that were so obviously in love with each other till the point where it got suffocating, and everyone around them knew except for themselves. How did Cupid handle the stress of setting people up when she couldn’t bear seeing her two stupidly in love friends? Yunjin seriously considered if this would be worth it, but once her mind strayed to the thought of a wedding, she figured it might be.
“Where are you getting a double date for us anyway? Besides, it’s not going to work. We had double dates before, and I felt nothing seeing him with somebody else,”
“That was the past. We’re talking about now, Y/N. You can fool yourself by thinking you feel nothing for him, but we know better, your heart knows better,” Chaewon added, offering her two cents, earning Yunjin’s nod of approval. You scoffed, finding your friends a little too ridiculous for taking their methods up a notch.
“I already have your and Heeseung’s matches. They’re my friends from work. Jungwon and Wonyoung, remember? You met them at my party last summer,” Yunjin rubbed her hands, reminding you of those evil masterminds, the eager grin only convinced you of her secret plotting. Oh, this was definitely discussed with the rest of your friends without you nor Heeseung’s knowledge. How evil of them.
“I remember,”
“Great! I’ll set a dinner date this Saturday. Seven, at that Italian restaurant we always go to. How’s that?” Yunjin clapped, leg shaking out of sheer enthusiasm.
“Sounds good. I’ll show you—all of you—that I have no feelings for Lee Heeseung whatsoever. It’ll be another successful double date, I’m sure.”
Define ‘successful’.
If sitting opposite to Heeseung and his date who were overly engrossed with each other and being stuck with an awkward partner was deemed successful, then you’d consider yourself lucky.
Dinner started off eventful. A typical ice breaker was introduced to get to know one another, discovering everyone clicked pretty well, which tricked you into thinking it’d go well, but it seemed to plummet like a landslide. Jungwon was a nice guy, you’d admit it. Other than a handful of conversations exchanged, there was nothing much to your interactions with him, so you surrendered quickly, admitting to feeling absolutely no spark whatsoever. You figured he got the memo, likely sharing the same sentiment as you did as the two of you ate your respective pasta with a tinge of depression watching the other couple hit it off better in comparison.
“Y/N, how long have you known Heeseung?” Wonyoung was sweet, a princess even, and that wasn’t an exaggeration. You wouldn’t be surprised if Heeseung was actually enamoured with her at first sight. She was the epitome of perfection as a human. Smart and charming, she carried the night’s conversations with ease.
“A few years now, since I moved to New York,”
“So, you guys must be close, huh?”
You paused, hesitation stopping you when you briefly met his eyes, a first after a long time since the night began, realising you hadn’t talked to each other at all. You didn’t address it mentally, but you were sure it was a way of you avoiding him, isolating him unintentionally. Turning your attention back to Wonyoung, you forced a smile. “Yeah, we are,”
“She’s my neighbour, that’s how we first met,” Heeseung chimed in, bringing back a fond memory of yours. The first day you moved to the big city would always be something you held close to your heart. “I offered her a slice of pizza but she thought I was some sleazebag,”
That got a collective laughter from each of you. You shook your head, a faint smile ghosted your lips, reminiscing the moment that felt almost as though it had just happened a day prior. Wonyoung, on the other hand, seemed to be thoroughly amused by Heeseung, giggling a little harder than most while placing a hand on his forearm. “Which place did you get the pizza from? Not the one downtown, right?”
“Oh, no, never. I go to Joe’s Pizza all the time,”
“I love Joe’s! The pepperoni slice is a classic,”
“You get it!”
Pizza has continuously become the bane of your existence. A dough with cheese and some stupid toppings was enough to spark a heated conversation between Heeseung and Wonyoung, entrapping them in their own bubble for another time that night. What an eye sore. Jungwon turned to you, an unmistakable mix of pity and boredom in his face was recognised by you in an instant. Still, like the sweet guy he was, he tried to strike up a conversation.
“What’s your favourite movie?”
Thank God for a question you could have a passionate debate over. You beamed visibly, spine straightened with a thrilled grin, the only and obvious answer sitting on the tip of your tongue. “‘When Harry Met Sally’,”
Jungwon snapped his fingers eagerly, nodding in mutual agreement. At least there was one person who could agree on your choice of movie. “Good choice, Meg Ryan was fantastic in it. One of the best rom-coms of all time,”
You placed a hand on your chest, a little dramatically if you may add. “I appreciate you saying that. I agree,”
“I don’t mean to eavesdrop, but can I add something to this discussion?” Wonyoung interrupted, brushing some hair behind her ear. You held your tongue, fixing a practiced smile as a green light for her to continue. “I don’t understand the craze around that movie, I think there are better rom-coms out there,”
“Finally! Someone understands,” Heeseung laughed, throwing his hands up with a degree of satisfaction knowing there was another person out there who shared his dislike over your favourite movie. This only annoyed you further. Seeing him and Wonyoung getting along better than anticipated had gotten to your nerves initially, but hearing the two of them slander your favourite movie was close to crossing the line. To rub salt into your wound, Heeseung was completely aware about how the movie was your go-to every time. After all, he was there for most of your rewatches, seeing you laugh and cry to your favourite rom-com.
“It has beautiful shots, wonderful acting, amazing actors, an emotional plot, what more can you get?” Jungwon was standing his ground, which you learnt to admire. Now you know who to call for your next rewatch instead of Heeseung.
“I just don’t think best friends can fall in love after twelve years. That’s too long! It’s basically platonic at that point,” Wonyoung argued.
“Best friends can and do fall in love—” you started, finding the words tumbling out of you from sheer agitation, trying to present your point rather impulsively without thinking straight. Your eyes averted to Heeseung, just to discover him already staring at you in the first place, causing your throat to tighten up all of a sudden. “Regardless of time, it just … happens,” you faltered, realisation slowly dawning on you.
Your friends were right. ‘When Harry Met Sally’ was a guide this entire time, leading you to finally recognise your own feelings before it was too late. But you were indeed too late. You’ve wasted your time circling around the truth, afraid of facing it, until you were left to deal with the consequences. Here you were, watching him falling for someone else.
The table fell silent. You looked away from Heeseung, clearing your throat, putting on your millionth uncomfortable smile for the night. Well, you were always known for acting without thinking, or in this case, speaking without thinking, as you didn’t consider the gravity of hinting yourself potentially being in love with your best friend. A normal Saturday dinner, eh?
“How about dessert?”
If you had to go through another double date in the future, you’d rather swear off love than experience something similar again. In the restaurant’s restroom, standing before the mirror, you hoped the contents in your stomach wouldn’t be flushed down the toilet bowl by the end of the night. The thought of you being in love with Heeseung was close to sending you into a shock, coming to terms with it in the middle of dinner reasonably made things worse for you. Was this a sign to move to the countryside?
“You’re really lucky,” Wonyoung’s voice startled you out of your daze, her figure appearing next to you, washing her hands meticulously. That was very on brand of her, you expected no less. “It’s rare to have a friendship like that—you and Heeseung. I can tell that you care about each other a lot,”
“We do,”
“I should be thankful for Yunjin since she set this whole thing up. He’s a really good guy,”
You nodded, swallowing a growing lump in your throat, a prickling sensation growing stronger in your eyes. At that point, you could only utter a string of words, feeling overwhelmed with helplessness. “Yeah, he is. That’s Heeseung.”
Should you be thankful that dinner’s ended and the night was over after a dreadful long wait? You parted ways with Heeseung and Wonyoung, following Jungwon to his car as he insisted on dropping you home. The walk there was suffocating, a couple of small talks scattered here and there, neither one of you had the heart to expand anymore knowing it was leading to nowhere. All you could think of then was what the other couple would be up to. Was he bringing her to his favourite spot? Was he just dropping her off and leaving immediately? Endless possibilities followed by more overthinking.
“You’re in love with him, aren’t you?” Jungwon broke the silence with a question that pierced through you like the sharpest knife. What a conversation starter. You had a feeling he was more than what you assumed him to be. You came to a stop in the middle of the sidewalk, looking at him with an expression that gave off the impression of you being scandalized.
“Is it that obvious?”
“Yes,” there was barely any sugarcoating, he was straight to the point. The truth was deemed to be both beneficial and harmful to you in your weak and fragile state. “I have eyes, Y/N. I can see the way you look at him, and how you look at him when you think nobody’s watching,”
You were caught absolutely red handed, a big flashy spotlight pointed on you, telling the world that you’re fully guilty of being in love with your best friend. If a date that you’ve known for a few hours could see right through you, you couldn’t imagine what your friends had to deal with. Now you felt apologetic to them. “I guess I am,” you had nowhere to hide, what could you lose by being transparent with your date? “But I think I lost him,”
“If there’s one thing ‘When Harry Met Sally’ proved, it’s that you’re never too late,” Jungwon patted your arm in weak reassurance. “Or you can wait another ten years,”
You swatted at his hand, snorting lightheartedly. Rolling your eyes, you started walking again, letting him catch up to you.
“Oh, shut it. Drive me home.”
Was it bad to admit that you’ve been praying for the downfall of Heeseung’s relationship with Wonyoung? Apparently some DIY spell you got from Chaewon’s witch friend failed horrendously when the both of them showed up to dinner hosted by Yunjin at your own apartment. Maybe it was the one ingredient you swapped out that caused this.
This was the first time Heeseung brought her over. None of you had expected this. After your horrendous double date experience, Heeseung made it known that he was seeing her further, but no labels were established for now. You’ve been keeping your distance from him, convincing yourself you shouldn’t be close to a guy friend that had a potential girlfriend out of respect. However, deep down, you knew the truth that it was only because you wanted to avoid getting hurt less.
“What do you think about Wonyoung?” you whispered to Yunjin as you helped her prepare the dishes in the kitchen. Jake, Jay and Chaewon were loitering in the living room with the couple, overly invested in Wonyoung’s stories. It was the first time you had some privacy since the two of them arrived. She was introduced to the others, sparking a conversation soon after, successfully charming them as a result. It was no question she had won them over in a snap of a finger.
“I think she’s great. Really funny and smart,” Yunjin was focused on assembling the lasagna to commit to a sudden discussion about her work friend, her hands were full with bolognese sauce and bechamel, she didn’t have more space for your feelings. “There’s a reason why I set her up with Heeseung, I thought they’d be a match, and I was right. Sorry about Jungwon though, he’s not usually that shy,”
“I figured,” you mumbled, recalling the journey back home consisted of him explaining to you how he didn’t want a relationship since he had freshly broken up with his girlfriend. What was the luck between you and men that weren’t over their exes? At least he bought you some ice cream on the way home, and also accepted your invite to a ‘When Harry Met Sally’ movie night. A new friend gained wasn’t a complete loss. “But seriously, what do you think of them together?”
“I think … it’s alright? Gosh, I don’t know, Y/N. It’s too early to know, I can’t tell if they will or will not work out,” Yunjin gave a truthful answer to your question, but it wasn’t one that you wanted. She narrowed her eyes at you with a tinge of suspicion. “Why?”
“It’s nothing,”
“Don’t start, Y/N,” Yunjin sighed, walking over to the sink to wash the mess on her hands, in preparation to deal with your mess. She popped the lasagna into the oven, a hand propped on her hip, staring at you with an unhappy frown. “You told me nothing happened that night. You said you didn’t want to talk about it. So, why now?”
“Because I realised I am in love with him,”
“Oh,” Yunjin exhaled, blinking robotically at you, losing her grip on her hip. Stunned might be an understatement, a total opposite of a reaction you’d expected from her. Horrified would probably be a better description of how she looked gawking at you, nothing seemed to come from her mouth. “When? When … did you realise?”
“That night at the restaurant. I suppose you’re right all along,” your revelation didn’t help Yunjin’s case either, her jaw significantly dropping more. She hand flew to her temples, rubbing them with creases deepening between her eyebrows. “I thought I was fine, but when I saw him with her, I … felt it in my heart for the first time. Heartbreak. Your plan worked,”
“I didn’t mean to—”
“I know, Jen, I’m not putting the blame on anybody. It’s my fault. Just mine,” you rested your back against the wall, your hand hidden behind your back as it twisted into a fist. “Don’t worry, I’m not going to do anything. If Heeseung’s happy now, it’s fine. You know how unlucky he is with dates,”
The initial frustration worn off entirely, soon replaced with sadness in Yunjin’s eyes, her face slackened, shoulders sagging. She slowly approached you, arms extending towards you. “Y/N—”
You caught onto them, giving her your best smile, thinking it could assure her, but you had a feeling it turned out slanted and half-hearted. On your best days, you could be an award winning actress for pretending you weren’t hurt. This wasn’t one of those days, unfortunately. “Let’s start dinner.”
Lasagna couldn’t cheer you up. Neither could Yunjin’s signature pasta pull a decent smile from you. You blended into the background throughout dinner, offering nothing but several chuckles and nods, keeping your eyes away from your source of demise. There were a few occasions where you felt his eyes lingering on you, it didn’t help that they lasted for more than an appropriate amount of time, pleading for you to respond to him in any way possible. Resisting him was hard.
Safe to say, you survived dinner and the dessert after. You owed it to the many rounds of red wine from the bottle Jake brought. Heeseung left the apartment with Wonyoung to walk her down to her cab, which left the apartment to you and your friends to tidy while also discussing whatever’s gathered in everyone’s minds for the entirety of the night. It was a common debriefing ritual you and your friends had once a new partner was introduced.
“Wonyoung’s amazing,” Jay shared, starting the discussion as he picked up the plates to hand them to Yunjin.
“Are you saying that because you actually think so or it’s because she’s pretty?” Chaewon pointed the dishwand accusingly at Jay, soap flowing down the handle.
“Do you really think I’m that shallow—nevermind, don’t answer that,” he stopped her at the moment she opened her mouth to retort, realising he was never a match for her and her quippishness. “Still, I think she’s wonderful. She can mimic a bird’s cry. How fun is that?”
The others let out a chorus of agreement. Yunjin, in particular, glanced at you warily, visibly distressed and worried about both your mental and physical states. You said nothing, continuing with your task of storing the dishes, which you held back from smashing. Note to self, you needed a better outlet for getting rid of pent up emotions.
“Y/N, are you okay? You’ve been very distant since the start of dinner,” Jake took the plate from your hand to store it on your behalf. He closed the cupboard door, pulled your hand to lead you away and sat you on the couch. You weren’t surprised Jake had caught onto you from the get-go. He was always smart, even emotionally. The rest of your friends soon swarmed the area, waiting for you to pour out your anguish.
“I’m not feeling well, that’s all,” you were running away yet again. Scared, terrified to go anywhere near being vulnerable in front of your closest friends, stripped bare to admit you were in love with one of them while hoping it wouldn’t change anything.
“Y/N,” Yunjin’s tone was hard, stern almost, with a tinge of disappointment as though she couldn’t believe you were trying to escape from your own feelings, something everyone there was familiar with. Your name was spewed out in a way where she was begging you to face the very thing you avoided till you were forced to face. To your dismay, this puts you on the spot with many eyes staring at you in confusion.
“Fine,” that was a response directed to Yunjin, you had your eyes locked with hers before scanning the circle created around you. Each of them were waiting for your next word. It was either this or letting the truth eat you alive. “I’m in love with Heeseung,”
What was expected to be an explosive reaction turned out to be … nothing? Jay, Jake and Chaewon all looked at one another, exchanging glances with Yunjin as well, then every one of their heads spun to focus on you. It felt like there were stage lights shining on you, your friends being the audience, and you, maybe a clown. The seconds stretched on for what seemed like forever as silence ensued.
“We know,” Jay broke the stiff atmosphere. You—mildly confused, whereas understanding and relief washed over your friends. They started laughing, rejoicing and high-fiving each other. If you didn’t know better, you would’ve assumed they won a price instead.
“Should I be shocked that you guys were in on this the whole time?”
“Yunjin and I already told you, didn’t we? We’ve all been waiting for one of you to break,” Chaewon clapped gleefully, her voice going another pitch higher from pure excitement.
“And it had to be me,” you mumbled, the thought of your feelings potentially being one sided was soul crushing. After your friends convinced you that it was mutual, your expectations were sky high, and you were not ready for them to be crushed.
“Heeseung will come around,” Jake threw out a futile assurance. You winced at that, giving him a display of your pained frown.
“He’s seeing someone now—Wonyoung, who you all love. I can’t ruin that, you guys know that,”
“We do,” Yunjin moved from her position to sit next to you, laying her head on your shoulder. You held onto her arm, squeezing it for a silent ‘thank you’ for the times she stuck by you. “No matter what happens, we’ll be here for you,”
There came another chorus of shared support from your friends who huddled around you. Their energy had given you a shred of hope, bringing a smile to your face for the first time in a while that night, a little more positive that nothing would completely change in the dynamics of your friend group. That was once proven as per Yunjin and Chaewon with their confessions of messing around with the other two men in the group.
“Wait,” Jake stood up, interrupting the current emotional mood. The room fell into another round of silence. “I hate to ruin our little moment, but I think Heeseung’s coming,”
The mention of his name caused every one of them to turn to you, panic arising almost in an instant. You could only stare back, downfounded and powerless. It’s not like they could expect you to profess your love to Heeseung just because you disclosed it to them. “What do I do?”
“Talk to him,” Yunjin suggested the obvious solution, not that it helped or made it any better.
“But I’ve been avoiding him!” you forgot about that part, guilt began to crawl into your system at the memories of you evidently dodging him. Everything that went down with the date gave you the heebie-jeebies, how you shunned him, and dropped a lowkey hint of being in love with your best friend, a.k.a., him! It would be impossible for him to not realise your absence. He’s good at catching onto tiny details.
“That’s our cue to leave you and him alone. Just talk! You always talked to him. It’s Heeseung, just Heeseung,” that’s the problem. It’s Heeseung, your best friend. It’s not an everyday activity for someone to come to the conclusion of liking their best friend romantically and profess their love for them.
Chaewon ushered the others to get to their feet, pushing them towards Yunjin’s room as a site of hideout now that it was too late for them to leave. You couldn’t tell if you were hearing the sound of Heeseung’s footsteps approaching or if you were mistaking it for your own heartbeat thundering in your ears. The noises of keys jangling and the door unlocking that followed after were unmistakable.
“Shit, he’s here,” that was what you last heard from Chaewon before she shoved Jay and his nosy-self into the room, slamming the door shut just in time for Heeseung to enter the threshold. He stopped at the sight of you in the middle of an empty apartment, looking at you with a sense of disbelief that it was truly you who was standing in front of him.
“Hi,” you said quietly, arms sticking close to your sides, afraid of moving or taking a step forward. Heeseung placed his keys on the counter, but stayed in his original position by the door.
“Hey,” he began, still not closing the space between you and him. When did it become this awkward to be around him? You felt like an alien who newly landed on Earth, interacting with the first human you came across, the situation was that extreme. It was easy for you to be around Heeseung, but you couldn’t say the same this time. “Where are the others?”
“They went over to yours. Jay needed help on something, I don’t know what it is,” you should be awarded for not crumbling under pressure. The lie flew out of your mouth in a natural manner. Heeseung didn’t suspect it, going along with your white lie.
“How was dinner?”
“It was okay,”
“You were quiet the entire time,”
“I’m not feeling well,”
“Sick?”
“Not in the mood,”
Heeseung slipped his hands into the pockets of his pants, nodding his head silently, lips pressed tightly together. He wasn’t letting any of his reactions show, purposely holding them back. You couldn’t figure out where this was heading, neither did he. “What do you think of Wonyoung?”
There it was. The golden question. You’ve been waiting for it, thinking if you got to steer clear of Heeseung, you’d never have to hear it. Predictions weren’t correct all the time. You knew he would eventually pop the question to you when you’re the only one in the group who has yet to express approval of Wonyoung. It just had to be at this moment.
“She’s alright,”
His nostrils flared, eyebrows twitching out of habit. His patience was wearing thin, the initial annoyance you sensed since he entered the room intensified. “That’s it? That’s all you’ve got to say after weeks of avoiding me? Two word answers?”
“What do you want me to say?”
“The truth!” Heeseung raised his voice, footsteps heavy on the ground as he crossed the room towards you, stopping behind the couch, standing opposite you with it as a barrier in the middle. What his eyes reflected contradicted his anger. Sadness and desperation made up most of them. They searched for yours, seeking for answers and reasons as to why you were acting out of character.
“I don’t think she’s good for you,”
“Why?”
“Just … just because,”
“That’s not an answer, Y/N,”
What other answer could you give that wouldn’t sound like you were the villain in his story trying to break him and his love interest up? Every possible narrative couldn’t and wouldn’t work, not for you anyway.
“I know you,”
“And what do you know about what’s good for me?” Heeseung demanded, the hurt in his voice was evident, punctuating your heart like a stake, beating you down to depths lower than where you already were. “You don’t get to say that,”
“That’s not fair,”
“She’s a good person, Y/N. I think I deserve that at least,”
You swallowed, not expecting the truth to be thrown directly into your face by the person you were scared to hear it from. It was real, your nightmare of losing him due to your mistakes was coming to life right before you, reminding you that you were far too late. “You’re right. You deserve every bit of it, Heeseung,” his name tasted foreign on your tongue, no more nicknames or the hidden love that came with it, just stale integrity. “I wish you nothing but happiness,”
You didn’t try to hide the shakiness in your voice, nor the tears building up that you were doing your best to blink away. The tightness in your throat took away your speech, losing the ability to speak beyond that. You were being selfish, and you were getting punished for that along with your foolishness for your ignorance to your feelings.
“Thank you.” he forced through his teeth with enough finality to know this was the last thing he’d say to you that night. You couldn’t bring yourself to reply, mouth opening for a moment just for nothing to follow through, using most of your willpower to hold your tears back instead. He shook his head, a visible sign of disappointment at you losing the strength to fight for whatever this situation of being more friends but less than lovers was between you and him.
Heeseung took a full look at you for a little longer, his shielded gaze never left your teary one, as though he himself was afraid of letting you go. That was when he knew he had to leave or else he would end up staying like how he always did. He turned his back on you, heading for the door and picking up his copy of the key along the way. There was a few seconds where he stalled at the door, hand on the doorknob, breathing heavily.
Hope wasn’t a powerful tool for you to keep him longer. He was leaving, and there was nothing you could do to stop him, or reverse the pain you’ve caused. Heeseung turned the doorknob and left with the door slamming behind him, leaving you stranded alone to pick up the pieces of your heart. Punching you or hurling insults might’ve hurt less compared to this.
You didn’t register your emotions until the floodgates came pouring down your cheeks, knees becoming weaker as you found yourself losing balance. The entire exchange had wrecked you out of consciousness, unaware of your friends slowly making their way out of Yunjin’s room, listening in on the mess that went down moments ago. The embarrassment doubled, but you were too busy crying to care. You melted into their arms as they surrounded you to console you, and it reminded you of the exact time you cried into their embrace when your first boyfriend in New York broke up with you. Never in a million years you would predict doing the same for one of your best friends.
Almost was never enough. You were a step too late, and a step over the line.
90 days.
That was how long since you’ve last spoken to Heeseung. Back in the day, three hours was the longest gap you went without speaking to him, not three months. Besides the occasional greetings in the hallway or bumping into each other at the coffee shop, neither of you sparked a full conversation. As a result of your fight, it had tremendously affected your friends who became collateral damage in the midst of it. The best way to simplify the dynamic of your friend group at the current moment was them taking turns to hang out with either of you. Pathetic, wasn’t it?
In some sick twisted way to get you out of your slump, Yunjin introduced you to her other, much senior colleague, Jeon Jungkook. If only you weren’t simultaneously so infatuated and heartbroken over your friend, you would’ve had your heart set on him. Unfortunately, that’s not how feelings worked. You were honest about it to Jungkook since your first meeting with him, and being the sweetheart he was, he understood. That didn’t stop you from being friends with him. He was probably the second closest friend you’ve hung out with besides your own friends.
October 31st rolled around, a monumental day for you and your friends who loved the arts of costumes and throwing parties. Yunjin and Chaewon chose to host this year’s Halloween party at your apartment. A special addition to the party was a costume contest, where the winner gets a hundred dollar prize reward. Perhaps Jungkook appeared in your life at the perfect timing.
“Do I have to wear a blond wig for this?” Jungkook held up the wig you got for him reluctantly after he agreed to be the Fred to your Daphne from Scooby Doo.
“It’s too late to go back on your word now,” you tossed him your ginger wig. He wasn’t in on this alone anyway. You left him sulking on the couch to join Yunjin and Chaewon, both of whom were busy preparing in the kitchen.
“Fred and Daphne?” Yunjin laughed at your choice of characters, earning a firm slap on her shoulder from you. You didn’t wrack your brain day and night for nothing, it was a good and safe option to go for in your defense.
“It’s cute. I aim to be the best dressed tonight,”
“Do I have your permission to flirt with your date?” Chaewon slid up next to you, finally daring to ask the question she’s been holding back since forever. You had a feeling she was eyeing him from the moment you confirmed he was just a friend.
“By all means, have a go,”
“Hey, you know Heeseung will be at the party tonight, right? Just a heads up,” Yunjin wasn’t laughing anymore, her tone both serious and solemn. You couldn’t blame her nor your friends for being exhausted of you and Heeseung’s strained friendship, having to adapt to that and a new routine now that you were avoiding each other. “I’m quite sick of this, you know that? You guys are so childish! Instead of saying sorry, you chose to not talk for three months,”
She had a point. You hated that.
“It’s complicated,”
“It’s always been complicated between you and Heeseung. How about this? Make it less complicated and apologise to him first. I still remember you crying and feeling guilty about what went down that night,”
“You didn’t have to call me out directly, I got it,” you grumbled at the memory you cringed at every time Yunjin brought it up as a defence mechanism. Yes, you regretted your behaviour, half remorseful for the things you’ve said, but it wasn’t a common practice for you to apologise first. Whenever you and Heeseung had a fight, it was down to two things: Heeseung apologising first or the both of you sweeping past it. This time, however, both seemed undoable. To muster the courage for you to confront him and apologise, it took time. Maybe a bit too long. “I’ll see what I can do tonight.”
Trying to distract yourself from your anxiety by helping Yunjin and Chaewon serve refreshments dressed in a full Daphne costume was the least effective method to ease stress. With every guest walking past your door, your heart skipped a beat hoping the next one would be him. Your friends’ costumes at the very least got a smile and some laughter out of you. Jay and Jake were dressed as members from the rock band, KISS; Yunjin decided to go all out and paint herself blue as Smurfette, matching blonde wigs with Jungkook; Chaewon, with the assistance of you and Yunjin, stuffed herself into a latex catwoman suit which took almost half-an-hour to get into. It wasn’t a dull Halloween after all.
“Need help?” Jungkook took the platter of refreshments from you, giving you no room to argue. You smiled at him as a wordless ‘thank you’, coming at the right time to save you from any more small talks.
“My Fred in shining armour, or shining blond wig?” you giggled, reaching your hand forward to touch his wig, the coarseness of it proved the reason why it was only three dollars. He swatted at your hand, rolling his eyes at your endless teasing.
“I think I actually look good in it, thank you very much,” he dismissed your snark comment easily, you forgot he had a swollen ego in the first place. He pulled onto your arm, urging you to follow him as he served refreshments on your behalf. “You’re waiting for him, aren’t you?”
“What?”
“Don’t pretend. I see the sadness in your eyes, Y/N,” Jungkook had talents of looking through your bullshit on par with Yunjin. There was no point fighting what was true, you chose to silently nod. “Speak to him tonight, please, for your sake, for his and your friends’ sake. Even for me! You’ve been keeping that apology in you for months, it’s time for you to tell him,”
“Is it really a good time to do so?”
“There’s never a perfect time. It’s now or never. I know it’s been eating you up, Y/N. Do this for yourself,”
You considered Jungkook’s advice deeply. He wasn’t wrong, he never was, it came with his perfect traits. You were quite frankly done with running away, even if you were chasing pavements, an apology wouldn’t hurt to settle the troubles in your heart, it might even help you take another step from the position you were stuck in. You patted his shoulder in earnest appreciation. Jungkook could just cement his place to be your crime solving buddy, or in this context, a problem solving buddy.
“Care for a drink?” Chaewon swept in at the right moment with a couple glasses of homemade martinis. It was your cue to leave, not without one of her signature martini though. You took one last look at your two friends, knowing Chaewon would soon work her magic on an oblivious Jungkook, then you made your way to the balcony, in dire need of some air and time alone.
You listened to the sound of New York traffic, taking small sips from your martini, overlooking the skyline of the city. The part which stings the most was coming to the realisation that you and Heeseung would often occupy this exact spot any time a party was thrown at your apartment. Whenever the space got stuffy and too many guests were present, the two of you would run to the balcony, have a few cigarettes, drink, and talk. You wouldn’t notice the party had ended by the time you and him were done with your hide out. Now, there was another party that you’ve successfully escaped, except he wasn’t beside you like how it was supposed to be.
“Missing trick or treat?”
Your blood nearly ran cold at the voice coming from behind you. One hand holding tightly onto your glass, the other gripping onto the ledge of the balcony in case your legs failed you. You didn’t need to confirm the owner of the voice, having heard it for just about every day for years on end.
“I think I’m too old for that now,” you felt the familiar warmth belonging to the only person you’ve dreaded all night joining your side, a safe distance was still maintained between you and him.
“You’re never too old for anything,”
“Touche,” you looked over at Heeseung, stifling your laughter when you saw his costume. A classic black tuxedo paired with a bow tie around his neck, hair slicked back, a sleek metallic watch around his wrist, a ridiculously looking toy gun as a prop in his hand. You would be lying to yourself if you didn’t admit how handsome he was despite being in costume. “James Bond. You weren’t kidding when you said that’s your costume this year,”
“I was never kidding,”
“I’m guessing Sean Connery’s James Bond?”
“One and only,” he stood up straight to display the excellence of his costume, giving you a playful 180 look just so you could see the entirety of his suit, at last posing with the gun as a cherry on top. It was impossible not to laugh when he’s trying this hard to get into character. “You think Daphne can assist James Bond in solving crimes?”
“I think Daphne’s going to stick to solving mysteries, not track down criminals or assassins,”
“I saw Fred inside. Your date, I assume,”
“My friend,” you corrected consciously, noting the mild hostility when he mentioned Jungkook. You simply couldn’t fathom the idea of Heeseung being threatened by another man.
“You’ve been hanging with him a lot,”
“What is it to you?” you snapped, harsher than you intended to, immediately feeling guilty. You couldn’t shake off the sense that he’s trying to get back at you in some unexplainable way.
“Nothing,” you knew he was lying, seeing him clenching his jaw right after saying that had given him away. Time and time again, he underestimated how well you understood him and his little quirks.
“Where’s your date then, Bond? Where’s the famous Bond girl? ”
Heeseung stared off into the city, a quiet but audible sigh leaving his lips before he said anything. Clearly, there was trouble in paradise. You wanted to take your words back, worried it might’ve crossed another line, but he beat you to it with an answer. “She’s at her place,”
He didn’t expand beyond that simple reasoning, making it much more suspicious than it should be. You didn’t pry, and accepted it with a nod. You assumed she wasn’t a big fan of parties, or at least Halloween, not that you would judge. You let the silence sit longer than it’s supposed to, the traffic in the background filling the gaps in between. It was now or never, before the damage became irreversible.
“I’m sorry for that night. I was out of line. I do think she’s brilliant, and I want you to be happy,” you turned to look at him, but as always, he was already staring at you in the first place. The martini was no help in suppressing your emotions. If anything, it was amplifying them. You could feel tears welling up at the edge of your eyes. “I mean it. I hate that we’re not talking, and I hate the thought of losing you more,”
Heeseung wet his lips, hanging his head, chest rising and falling erratically. He glanced up after a pause, nodding slowly, a tight-lipped smile appearing. “Thank you,” he meant it this time, genuine, but also stiff and restricted. “You’re never going to lose me, Y/N,”
“Truce?”
“Truce,” he drank out of his glass of martini, returning his attention back to the view of the city, but you kept yours on him, not that he mind. “Here we are again, bailing on a party,”
“Some things never change, do they?” you smiled, yet it didn’t reach your eyes entirely, the sadness in your face bled into every part of your body, all of which went unnoticed by Heeseung. Although you were done setting the argument aside, the apology getting accepted didn’t smoothen the roughness to you and Heeseung’s relationship. Some lingering tension still remained unaddressed. You could feel it, you doubted if Heeseung didn’t. “Should we head in? They’re announcing the winners of the contest.”
It wasn’t the right time to talk about it. You didn’t know if there ever was one.
You and Jungkook ended up missing first prize by a large margin, getting just a box of chocolate as a consolation prize. On the bright side, Jay and Jake won the night’s best costume, earning a hundred dollars which you would undoubtedly convince them to spend on you. The night came to an end at around midnight. Even though all of your friends were exhausted, they stayed to clean as usual, cracking open another round of beers as a side reward.
You were too busy sending Jungkook off by the door to realise a pair of eyes staring pointedly at you from a distance. As Heeseung collected the bottles and cups from the living room area, his gaze followed your every movement around Jungkook, a cup nearly fell out of his hand at some point watching you hug him. He walked over to Chaewon, dropping the volume of his voice. “Are they really just friends?”
“If they weren’t ‘just friends’—” Chaewon made a motion with her hands, “would she have allowed me to flirt with him all night?” she blinked blankly at Heeseung, who had furrowed eyebrows that were twitching slightly. “God, you guys are so annoying, and frustratingly stupid. Why must I be subjected to this?” she threw her hands up in defeat, hypothetically waving a white flag in surrender. Sparing him no more chance to speak, she walked away just in time for you to return from your farewell to your beloved Fred.
“What’s up with her?” you mumbled as Chaewon stormed past you, grumbling somewhere along the lines of ‘misunderstandings’ and ‘get together already’. You took the bag filled with trash from Heeseung, handed it to Jay—still in his black and white face paint—for him to throw out. The apartment was mostly clean, lacking a bit of deep cleaning that you’d get to the next day. For now, you were content with your friends’ company and a cold bottle of beer.
“You know, I think I owe you an apology too,” it was only you and Heeseung at the kitchen table, you weren’t expecting another apologetic conversation to happen over some beer, but you didn’t complain. “I shouldn’t have stopped talking to you. I was angry and scared. I’m sorry,” he took a swig of his beer, his other hand was knocking on the wooden table. “And I’m sorry I wasn’t there for your mum’s birthday,”
One sacred secret you and Heeseung kept hidden from your other friends was this. It started with you inviting Heeseung to your hometown for a family event as your plus one. Looking back at it now, it was far more intimate compared to what you made it out to be. Not even every person would bring their partners to meet their family. Your family absolutely loved him, insisting on him to join them for every family occasion there was. Since then, he has been there for most birthdays.
In turn, it would only be fair if you got introduced to his family. Hence, he brought you to meet his family soon after he met yours, continuing on the tradition of joining each others’ family occasions. You were at his parents’ birthdays, and he was there for yours. It was your thing with Heeseung for years until he broke the streak in the months of you not speaking. You still remembered your mother asking for him, just for you to create a lame excuse of him being busy with work, having no courage to tell them the truth.
“You’re forgiven,” you clinked his beer bottle with yours, the sharp sound made the brief quietness which followed after less painful. “I guess we’re both equally at fault here,”
“I guess we are,” he fidgeted with his bottle, never letting his gaze falter from you for a second, as though he was making up for the moments he missed. “Your mum still wants me around, right?”
“Oh please, she was wondering where you were. You’re very missed,”
“I’m glad to hear,”
“And I’m not glad to have stroked your ego,”
You and him burst out laughing, clinking your bottles once more and taking a swift gulp out of it. Both of you sighed together in satisfaction from the taste of cold beer on your tongues, eliciting scattered giggles at that phenomenon. You never realised how much you’ve missed him. Forget about love and your feelings, you missed having him around as a friend. It hurts more deeply than you thought having someone from your everyday life disappear in an instant.
Before you could dwell on such melancholic thoughts, the rest of your friends came flooding around the table, forcing open the fridge to bring more bottles out. You met Yunjin’s eyes, a knowing look on her face told you she was highly aware of you and Heeseung’s ‘little moment’ alone. Of course, you wouldn’t doubt her, she was known to be a surveillance camera that scans through the entire premise. You gave her a nod, and that was a sufficient message for her to understand all was well.
“Who’s ready to drink?”
Yunjin’s definition of a ‘fun Saturday night’ was the complete opposite of what you had in mind.
You had a feeling you were an old woman in your past life for thinking a night in with some pizza, snacks, and board games would satisfy the criteria of a ‘fun Saturday’. However, your friends didn’t share the same idea. That was why you were all dressed up, sitting by the bar counter with no intentions to drink while Yunjin and Chaewon were busy downing shots after shots. Call you a buzz kill, but you weren’t stumbling out drunk. You were happy with your virgin mojito.
“What do you think the boys are doing tonight?” Yunjin was still admirably sober in spite of the amount of alcohol she consumed. She and her high alcohol tolerance should be investigated.
“Watching TV,” you assumed, mostly based on how you last saw them huddled in Heeseung and Jay’s apartment, tuning into another episode of ‘Seinfeld’ before all of you left for the bar.
“Oh, really? Then why do I see them approaching us,” Chaewon had a better angle of the door given her seating position. At that, you and Yunjin whipped your heads towards the door, disbelief fueling your system. When you told them of your plans, you weren’t expecting them to crash it.
“They really have to stop following us to girls’ night,” Yunjin groaned, returning a wave to Jake begrudgingly. It wasn’t the first time they appeared at girls’ night. You’d think they wouldn’t do it again, but clearly, it was your fault for thinking that way.
“No invite?” Jay made a weeping expression, trying his best to wedge himself in between Chaewon and Yunjin, resulting in them pushing him away.
“Are you guys eligible for girls’ night?” Chaewon deadpanned, sighing aloud.
“If you remove all the testosterone from our bodies, then maybe,” Heeseung slid into the seat next to yours, making himself comfortable as he actively ignored your disapproving gaze.
You switched your focus onto him, letting the others’ bickering fade into the background. He swiftly ordered his usual drink, gin on rocks, then looked at you, cocking an eyebrow with some extent of expectation that you’d start questioning him endlessly. Well, he was right.
“You don’t like coming out to bars unless something has happened. Tell me, which one of you got your heart broken?”
Heeseung laughed, realising you had a point. There was a reason why the both of you could click easily. You and him shared equal dislike for loud and crowded places, finding them overwhelming. “I did,”
“What?”
“I ended it with Wonyoung. Not that it had a label in the first place, but … I just thought it was time to stop,” out of everything you prepared yourself mentally to hear, this piece of information was the last you thought to receive. “It was amicable, don’t worry,”
“But why?”
“We don’t click. That’s it. I thought we did, but I was wrong,” he shrugged, thanking the bartender for the drink, wasting no time in taking a sip of it. “My heart wasn’t there. I think I left it some place else,” he left his heart with you, in the form of a chain which sat around your neck, tucked beneath your blouse.
“So the first thing you thought of was to come here and drink?”
“Wasn’t my idea. Jay insisted on coming after he heard about your plan,”
“That is very on brand of him,” you snorted, expecting nothing less of Jay for wrecking havoc whenever he had the chance to. “Are you doing okay?”
“I’m fine. I expected it at some point, so I suppose it hurts less this way,” Heeseung’s lack of expression made it hard to decipher what he was thinking, forcing you to guess while also treading carefully in unknown territory. “You’re right all along,” you didn’t reply, and waited for him to continue, a part of you cringed at the thought of the incident. Turns out, the projection of your jealousy wasn’t entirely wrong. “I knew we couldn’t work out when she said she didn’t like you guys—don’t be mad—except for Yunjin, I guess? How can I have someone who can’t stand my friends?”
“And to think we were actually rooting for her,” you were disappointed, but not surprised. There was always a feeling in your gut about Wonyoung regardless of your spiteful claim. You hated to be proven right in this context. At the same time, you’d also be lying if you said it didn’t provide some sense of satisfaction to you.
“What doesn’t kill you make you stronger,”
“Cheers to that,” you held up your glass, to which Heeseung gladly clinked. You shot him a quick smile before sipping your mocktail, looking at him with a little too much emotion in your eyes which you couldn’t contain. If you didn’t know better, they might’ve come off as heart eyes. You made sure to glance away for a hot minute when Heeseung put down his glass, he mustn’t see you in your weakest state.
“Look, I need a quick trip to the restroom. Wait for me. Maybe or maybe not, we can dip to get some of our favourite late night snacks,”
“Abandoning our friends? That’s evil,” you whispered, so that the others wouldn’t hear. Judging from their chaotic talking and continuous drinking, you doubted they would notice for even a bit. “I’m down,”
“Give me five minutes.”
Your eyes followed him into the crowd until he disappeared around the corner. Up till that moment, you were finally able to breathe more comfortably, feeling partially restrained by the unusual tension wedged in your dynamic with Heeseung. Although your friendship with him was mostly recovered, you still couldn’t shake off some persisting tension. It was sticking out like a sore thumb. The rest of the group were busy with their ongoing drinking game, dumping the two of you aside from the get-go, so you sat peeking over Yunjin’s shoulder to watch them play, minding your business with your drink in hand.
“Can I buy you a drink?”
So much for minding your own business. You turned at the sound of a stranger’s voice along with a tap on your shoulder, soon met with the face belonging to a handsomely charming man. As far as looks could get him, occupying a seat which was visibly taken based on the drink in its position on the counter wasn’t a good first impression. For the sake of courtesy, you offered a smile.
“Sorry, but the seat’s taken,” it was an indirect ‘no’, the nicest way you could put it without being harsh. Sparing him some embarrassment on his part was humane in your opinion, but apparently, rejection wasn’t an answer this man was willing to accept. The second you saw a switch in the way his face was screwed into, you peacefully realised trouble was imminent.
“I’m just trying to be nice, miss. I think a drink isn’t that big of a problem, no?”
“I appreciate it, but I’m not interested in accepting,”
“Really, one drink, that’s all,”
You were starting to cower in fear, gradually shrinking into your seat. “Sorry, no,”
“What’s going on?” Yunjin slurred behind you, the effects of alcohol evidently caught up to her. The activities happening within your circle of friends had halted at the minor commotion between you and this man who wouldn’t leave you alone. You and all of your friends had gotten to your feet in caution. They. in particular, were instantly poised for action if physical extraction was necessary.
“This guy wouldn’t go away,”
The man scoffed, removing himself off the high stool to stand on all ten toes as well. “I’m trying to get to know your friend. I’m offering to buy her a drink,”
“Hey man, she said ‘no’,” Heeseung couldn’t have chosen a better time to return. Without a single question asked, he was the first to leap into action. He instinctively put himself between you and the man, which unintentionally fueled the situation as it did nothing but agitated the man more. The man stepped closer to Heeseung, sizing him up as if it would successfully intimidate him. Heeseung didn’t like that at all, the mild twitch in his jaw gave his annoyance away. He held out his hand to put a distance between them. “Back off, dude,”
“And who are you?”
Heeseung’s attempt at mediating the escalating situation wasn’t looking very bright. He didn’t answer—totally the wrong move—so, the man continued closing in on him. You came to the conclusion that the man was purposefully making things worse by ticking Heeseung off. And he had indeed fallen into the trap before you could warn him. He was left with no other choices but to push the man on his shoulder in order for the man to fall back. “It’s none of your business. You should leave,”
While still standing behind Heeseung, you pulled at his sleeves, trying to get his attention even though you sensed his anger rising, and there was a high chance he couldn’t hear you past it. “Heeseung, I think we should go—”
“So, you’re protecting this bitch—”
A fist collided with the man’s cheek in a blur. Heeseung undeniably saw red, every ounce of rationality flew out of the window. The scene drew gasps from everyone in the vicinity, including you and your friends. Stunned was an understatement. Heeseung was known to be the calmest amongst the group, being the poster boy for thinking before acting. That was until now.
“Heeseung!”
The man recovered rather quickly from both the pain and the surprise. Just when you wanted to pull Heeseung away, another punch landed, except it was on Heeseung this time. This was surely his ticking point, because he quite literally slipped from your grasp, returning a punch to the man. You were watching in horror as the prior dispute somehow evolved into a fist fight. You wanted a boring night, this was miles off what ‘boring’ would be defined as.
Everything around you faded, your ears were muffled, you weren’t even aware of Yunjin and Chaewon dragging you to the side while Jay and Jake ran to pull Heeseung off of the man. The situation had become out of control. Staff and some customers came to help, managing to separate the two men from each other, both bloody and bruised. The fortunate part about this mess consisted of two things: nobody else was hurt, and nothing got destroyed. The unfortunate part was probably getting kicked out and banned, then having to end your night in the emergency room.
Heeseung suffered not only a split lip that had to be stitched, but also a boxer’s fracture discovered through an X-ray scan. His left hand was wrapped in an ulnar gutter splint—some medical term you recalled the doctor mentioning—immobilising specifically his pinky and ring finger, which meant he was totally inconvenienced by not being able to use his non-dominant hand for several weeks. You wished to laugh in his face for the consequences he brought upon himself. In spite of the thought of taunting him, you were far from being in the mood to do so.
Standing by the medical bed with him sitting on the edge, his injured hand elevated on a pillow, you scowled, not having said a word since you arrived. Every one of your friends had returned home after Heeseung insisted he was fine in your care. In retrospect, he should be thankful you weren’t currently choking him for his careless actions. Instead, he was suffering from both his injuries and your angered silent treatment as the two of you waited for discharge paperworks.
“I’m sorry,” Heeseung, at last, decided to be the one to break the icy silence formed rigidly in the room. A sharp inhalation of breath was your response for the next following moments, head shaking in what could be described as either disappointment or disapproval, you couldn’t figure which would be the most fitting for your current thoughts.
“‘Sorry’? What were you thinking? You were reckless, and incredibly thoughtless about your own safety,” you snapped, fear seeping through the anger you used to conceal your true emotions, the tremor of your hand might just be a telltale sign.
“I wanted to protect you!”
“I didn’t need protection!” you took half a step forward, Heeseung barely budged, keeping himself steady and overall composed. “You could’ve gotten more hurt than you already are right now,”
“But I didn’t,”
“That’s because people intervened before it got worse, smartass. You should be thankful the charges were dropped because the bartender backed you up,” you rubbed at your temple, pacing back and forth. His stubbornness was clashing with yours, making things ten times more difficult than it already was. You were able to understand why the last time the both of you fought had ended in neither of you speaking to each other again. “I didn’t want you to get hurt,”
“Who are you to get a say in that?”
You glowered at him, having the inability to form a logical answer to his response without the emotional side of you spilling all over. Sure, you could go with the reason of you being his dear best friend who was afraid to see him putting himself in danger, or you could go for the option of being silent and not utter those seven letters admitting you’re friends, because the last thing you’d like to touch upon in that emergency room was your feelings for him. It was a sensitive subject.
“Excuse me?” out of all the possible times to appear, the nurse had to pick the one where you and Heeseung were in the middle of another altercation. Another not assuring point to note was the nurse awkwardly handing you the paperwork to sign, looking thoroughly uncomfortable and very much aware of what was going down moments before she entered. Great, you took your chances to sign the discharge paperwork and stormed out at the last flick of your signature, your frustration blinding you the entire way to the front of the hospital.
You gasped for air, the stuffiness inside the emergency room restricted your airways, in addition, the whole exchange with Heeseung only pressed harder onto your lungs. Watching cars come and go, patients arriving and leaving, you felt helpless for the first time in a while, consumed by your fear that was creeping up on you without your knowledge. You stood there, alone and confused, no one to come to your aid.
“Y/N,” you registered Heeseung’s voice, only you were a moment’s short of a reaction as he grabbed a hold of your wrist, tugging onto your arm to turn you around. You didn’t push him away. An arm in a cast, physically dishevelled, panting and out of breath from chasing you, Heeseung wasn’t backing down without a fight, one that he hoped wouldn’t land him in the hospital once more. “Answer me. What am I to you?”
“What?”
“What am I to you?”
“You’re my friend,”
“Bullshit,”
“My best friend,”
“Bullshit!” he snarled, spewing the word through clenched teeth, unable to contain his rage nor keep his voice from rising. His grip on you remained firm, contrasting the waver of emotions seen in his eyes. “Is this really what you think about me—about us? Because I don’t believe you,”
“Then what do you think about us?”
“Don’t turn this on me,”
“You’re the one who got a girlfriend first then suddenly dropped this out of nowhere! Not to mention, right after breaking up with her,”
“That’s because I wished she were you,” this was enough to shut you up, rendering you speechless, all vocabulary seemed to escape your brain, not that there were any appropriate ones to use at that moment. “I thought being with someone else would erase what I felt for you. It seemed to have worked for a short while, until I realised that’s not how it works, and I was thinking about you the whole time,” he paused, but you didn’t know if it was for you to take it in or for himself to not crumble. “You said you knew me, but clearly not enough to tell that I’m in love with you, and I’ve always been in love with you,”
His confession had taken a toll on him, every last bit of strength he saved since running after you was slowly depleting. You felt him letting go of your arm, sighing deeply, the sound of your heartbeats filled the cold night air. Heeseung stared back at you weakly, pleading for you to break the silence on your end. You were a fool, a self-sabotaging lunatic who was ruining yourself at the thought of him falling for someone else in the first place, just to back away out of fear when he admitted his feelings to you directly. When were you going to stop running away?
“We can either leave here like how we were before, pretend nothing happened, or we can leave knowing the truth,” Heeseung had thrown the ball into your court, rightfully giving you your turn to speak your truth or forever hold your peace. Your hands were balled into fists at each side, nails digging crescent moons into your palm, the cooling breeze did nothing to help the heat travelling up your entire body.
“God damn it, Heeseung, I love you,” you bursted at the seams, the only secret you’ve kept to yourself was freed, pouring out of you like a gushing fountain. “I love you, and I’m in love with you too,” The months you’ve spent dwelled on this—your love for your best friend of several years—hadn’t prepared you to face it head on, because you were definitely holding in every ounce of tears amassed over that era of your life. “I was scared—I am scared, that if I ever told you how I really feel, I’d lose you, and everything we built would be gone,”
You shifted on your two feet, never once did you dare to look away from Heeseung, still petrified that whatever left your mouth would ruin the friendship that had already been over since you discovered your feelings for him. “I tried convincing myself we were nothing but friends, until I couldn’t anymore, and it hurts. It really did when I saw you with someone else, that’s when I thought I had lost you,”
“You never lost me, you never would’ve lost me,” Heeseung took your trembling hand into his, intertwining his fingers with yours. Something you’ve done countless times suddenly felt more intimate than it should be. Given the proximity and the vulnerable confessions, everything significantly changed, realising there was no point of return. “You were always a part of me,”
“Tell me this is real, that whatever I’ve felt between us has always been real,” you searched for his eyes, for some sort of confirmation to your fears which persisted in haunting you. He squeezed your hand, putting on a smile just for you, the edge of his eyes crinkled a little.
“It is real, more than you can ever comprehend. You complete me.”
Heeseung never gave you a chance to speak this time. He chose to be selfish. Once you’ve come to wrap your scrambled mind around his words, he has freed his hand from your grasp, pulling you in with that hand now placed on your cheek, lips colliding onto yours.
Everything felt right. How you moved against each others’ lips, rough and passionate, barely holding yourselves back after months, or rather years of built up tension and silent confessions pushed down for the sake of keeping your friendship safe. That could all be forgotten now. The idea of a friendship flew out of your mind when you melted into his touch. His calloused palm cradled the side of your side face, moving it to a certain angle just so he could deepen the kiss.
The amount of kiss scenes you’ve indulged from watching too many rom-coms would never have prepared yourself for this. Ever. Kissing Heeseung was different, he was different. It was sweet, gentle, and too familiar, as though kissing him was a second instinct of yours, almost like a birthright. You were experiencing every butterfly, every spark, every bit of nervousness that you’d normally get whenever his gaze lingered a minute too long, where his hands would brush against yours, or those times he would look at you in a group full of people. You were always the center of his world, you just never brought yourself to notice.
The both of you gradually pulled away after what seemed like an eternity trapped in heaven, but not completely apart, still resisting to separate, chasing each others’ lips with a hunger to appease. In the end, you settled to rest your forehead against his, noses close to touching, breaths fanning one anothers’ lips. Neither of you spoke for a while, basking in the ambience, all while you held onto him, and he held onto you closer.
“Does that mean our friendship is ruined now?” you whispered faintly, grinning widely and giddy from the aftermath of your kiss.
“I think it’s been ruined for a long time,” Heeseung’s thumb caressed the expanse of your cheek, moving away to press a soft kiss on your temple. “And I don’t regret any part of it,” he shook his head, gaze boring into yours with no intention to ever leave. “Except I didn’t get to kiss you sooner,”
There he was, classic Heeseung with his smart mouth, trying to win you completely by pulling out the methods he used on ladies for them swoon over him. You punched his shoulder, scoffing at him and that smug smile on his stupidly charming face. “Then kiss me again.”
You didn’t need to tell Heeseung twice before he swooped in to connect his lips with yours for a second time that night. Sparks flew, electricity coursed through your veins, it felt like you were kissed by him for the first time all over again. Holding onto each other, none of you dared to let go, terrified this moment would suddenly disappear and fade into nothingness. But it was never meant to be fleeting nor short-lived, instead, merely a goodbye to this ending, welcoming a new beginning.
In the middle of New York City, standing right in front of a hospital, you were kissing a man you’ve fallen in love with, your best friend who got himself injured just for your sake. If anything, you’d consider this to be a better plot than any of your favourite movies. The story of how you and Heeseung fell in love might be competing for the position of ‘When Harry Met Sally’ in your life.
The festive season in the city was an absolute dream.
You got to go Christmas shopping, visit coffee shops for a sizzling cup of hot chocolate, and head to a few rounds of ice skating just so you could prove to everyone you wouldn’t fall. It was your favourite time of the year. This time was no different from the other years you spent in New York. Staying in on a cold day, wrapped in layers of clothing, preparing for the annual Christmas dinner followed by an after party you and your friends threw as a tradition, everything about the holiday was perfect. The only contrast to other years was the label to you and Heeseung’s relationship.
That’s right. You and Heeseung were no longer friends, you and him had become a couple. It took five years and six months for the both of you to reach this stage in life. After a total of over a hundred failed dates, two boyfriends, and three girlfriends plus three unofficial-no-label partners over the course of these five years, you and him finally learnt there was no point in finding love elsewhere, when it’s been next to you the entire time. Maybe you had to spend a long time to learn that, but a lesson was still a lesson at the end of the day.
“You guys are disgusting,” Chaewon could only roll her eyes and shake her head at the sight of Heeseung giving you a peck on the lips. She couldn’t bring herself to complain as she was one of the members to ride the train of bringing you and Heeseung together. Despite her funny little digs, she would be smiling watching the both of you severely struck by the love bug.
“It’s Christmas, cheer up,” you nudged her with your elbow, holding carefully onto the freshly baked lasagna. The last, grandest piece of the Christmas dinner presented on your kitchen table. You should bear in mind to hire caterers next year, the exhaustion was indescribable.
“If only Santa could wrap a capable man for me this Christmas, and gift him to me,” Chaewon grumbled, falling into one of the chairs with a loud sigh. The smell of cooked food had attracted flies in the form of men into the dining area. Jay and Jake soon came rushing in to snatch a seat at the table, fighting over who would be the one to hog the turkey leg.
“Am I not a part of this fight anymore?” Heeseung slid into the chair next to you, seemingly offended that he was excluded from the traditional turkey discourse. You, Yunjin, and Chaewon snickered at the silliness of their behaviour, a common happening you and your friends were desensitized to.
“You have a girlfriend, Heeseung, the least you can do is leave the turkey leg to us,” Jake pointed a finger at Heeseung, earning a disgruntled grunt of agreement from Jay. Heeseung shrugged, knowing they weren’t wrong, contentedly throwing an arm around you, while also smugly grinning at the two men. You rolled your eyes, but didn’t brush his touch away either.
With a clap of your hands, you announced the start of the dinner. “Eat up, everyone. Before the guests start coming.”
Hours later, you and Yunjin’s apartment was congested with friends and families, nothing you’ve never experienced before, you just forgot how overwhelming it was at some point. The music you put on the background was effectively drowned out due to scattered loud chatters, your friends were dispersed all over the apartment as well. You were at least happy to see the condiment platters being savagely cleared thanks to certain hungry individuals (most likely Jay). Seeing your hard work enjoyed by others was somewhat fulfilling, but you had a feeling it was the festive mood speaking on your behalf.
“Hey,” Heeseung appeared by your side as you replenished the platters, helping you to take them to the table. You followed him with empty hands.
“Hi,” your hands weren’t so empty anymore when he grabbed them immediately after, pulling you along with him, squeezing through groups of people. He stopped directly next to the stereo in the corner, away from the crowd, just the two of you keeping each other company. He turned the volume higher, barely loud enough to overpower the sound of people’s voices, but just right for you to listen. George Benson’s ‘Nothing’s Gonna Change My Love for You’ began playing.
“You’re tired,” he stated, bringing both your hands over his shoulders, resting them comfortably there, his own placed on your waist. You let him lead, body naturally swaying to the lazy rhythm of the music, slow dancing in this tiny corner while others were occupied. It was you and him in your own world, nobody else would come to disturb or ruin your moment together.
“It’s always exhausting when it comes to throwing parties. I think we should have a vacation for the next holiday, escape all of this,”
“Where would you like to go?”
You pondered for a while, speaking off the top of your head. “I’m thinking the Bahamas,”
“You really love the beach, don’t you?”
“Only if you’re there picking seashells with me,” you pressed a long kiss by the edge of his mouth, taking in the smile that instantly appeared on his face, a look of love and adoration was written all over him. He was a man who stood at the top of the world regardless of what he wanted or wished to achieve.
“I’ll gladly collect every seashell on the beach if it meant getting to spend time with you,” he hummed, squeezing your waist playfully just to hear you laugh at the tickling sensation. You slapped at his chest, a few more laughter lingered from either one of you, George Benson in the background being replaced by ‘With or Without You’ by U2. Heeseung glanced up briefly, a grin slowly formed, and you understood it was a sign of mischief. He was up to no good. “Uh oh, mistletoe alert,”
Following his actions, you tilted your head back, spotting a mistletoe hanging above your head. You didn’t know whether to be annoyed, impressed, or amused. Perhaps you were all. “You planted it there, didn’t you?”
Heeseung feigned ignorance, raising both shoulders with a devious smirk. He was a hundred percent guilty. “Maybe I did, maybe I didn’t,”
You stared at him, still moving to the music playing, saying nothing, only letting your eyes wander every feature on his face. From his large deer-like eyes, to the slope of his nose, down to the pout of his lips, those were the features that welcomed you to the city on your first day, ones which you admired many times. Now, they would one day be passed down onto your children. Heeseung was the man you loved, and nothing would ever change that.
“I love you,”
It wasn’t the first time Heeseung heard those three sacred words coming from you. In fact, he heard it day in, day out, you made sure he wouldn’t forget it, and he never once got sick of listening to your voice, listening to you express your love to him like it hadn’t been done before. He removed his hands from your waist, choosing to settle them on either side of your cheeks. “I love you too.”
Under the mistletoe, Heeseung kissed you like it was his very first time doing so. You forgot about the people, the music, the cold, and quite frankly, the presents waiting for you. All that mattered to you was having your best friend, your forever partner, in your arms, holding onto you with such gentleness it could almost be compared to the snow falling outside your window.
Moving to New York City was the best choice you’ve made for yourself. You found your identity, a good job, an amazing group of friends, and a forever person to spend the rest of your life with. The advice you’d give to someone who’s new to the city would probably be: one, get to know your neighbour; two, accept the pizza your neighbour offers, then wait for whatever that comes next and go along with wherever the wind blows. Remember, it’s always good to ruin the friendship too.
SYNOPSIS: New York City promised you a lot of things. Big opportunities, a better social life, a lavish city for you to explore, everything and anything but love. While you searched for this thing called ‘love’ by going on dates and being introduced to men after men, you continued to ignore the only person who you’ve always loved, your neighbour across the hall, Lee Heeseung. As you embarked on this journey through life, you realised you were letting him slip away from your grasp as you denied this very thing you longed for. But nothing was ever too late if only you’d face your fears and ruin the damn friendship.
PAIRINGS: non-idol!heeseung x afab!reader
GENRE: (two idiotic) best friends to lovers, fluff, angst, romance, slow burn, inspired by chandler and monica from 'FRIENDS' (tv show) and 'when harry met sally'
WARNING(S): profanities, mentions of alcohol, slight violence
WC: 23k
PLAYLIST: fresh out the slammer, ruin the friendship by taylor swift / a couple minutes, let alone the one you love by olivia dean / almost is never enough, my everything by ariana grande
AUTHOR'S NOTE: i'm ALIVE. happy 2026, sorry for the long wait because life's hectic. this has been in my drafts for a long time and i finally wrote it but ofc it ended up being over 20k lol. please leave a feedback and reblogs are greatly appreciated! muah xx
It’s been five years since you’ve moved to New York. The bustling city was overwhelming to say the least. Fast paced and filled with people of all kinds, settling in definitely took you some time. In those five years, you unexpectedly found yourself in a group of friends. As cliche as it sounded, you were convinced fate had set every one of you up in a peculiar way. From then onwards, the six of you have stuck together and terrorized the coffee shop as a spot for your daily hangouts.
Everything first started off when you moved into your new apartment. You were housing with a girl called Jennifer Huh, or better known as Huh Yunjin, a native New Yorker. She was easy to be friends with, having a natural outgoing personality, she helped you settle in easier than expected. Soon, you met her friend who lived nearby, Kim Chaewon, another bubbly personality added to the mix. The three of you naturally became an inseparable trio when there were way too many common interests shared between all of you.
Moving on from that, it didn’t take long before you met your neighbour too, the one that lived across the hall. Turns out, it was a man that occupied the apartment, seemingly being in the same situation as Yunjin was with the entire housemate hunt, but obviously, that changed when you came along. He, on the contrary, was stuck dealing with that trouble. His name was Lee Heeseung. He was kind, a little too handsome for your eyes to handle and had a mouth that spewed sarcasm like his life depended on it.
Heeseung was searching for a housemate too, but unlike Yunjin, he had a rougher experience with more failures than success. That luck soon changed when you came home to a bunch of boxes piled by the door of Heeseung’s apartment, another pretty face appearing to introduce himself as ‘Jay’, features strong enough to knock wind out of your lungs, matching his velvety smooth voice that would knock your panties off too. It took you and the girls a lot of courage to face Jay, who was deemed as the ‘handsome one’ without his knowledge.
“He won’t bite.” Heeseung snarkily whispered to the three of you when he saw you and your friends huddled into one corner of the couch in the coffee shop, listening to Jay’s complaints about his new job.
To make matters more interesting, Jay soon brought a new friend to the group, a fresh face to the city similarly to you. Sim Jaeyun, who actually insisted on being called Jake, was not only new to the city, but also the country. He was originally from Australia but moved to New York for his job. A cute, awkward guy that stumbled over his words from time to time, reminding you of a puppy, basically that summed him up as a whole.
From the comforts of your apartment to the coffee shop nearby, the six of you spent days, months, years together, not remembering the time where you’re not together, which was probably never. Fast forward to the present day now that years have passed, many have changed when it came to the world, but ultimately, your friendship remained.
“Do you guys still have milk?” you opened your door to a topless Heeseung, bed hair still present, unbothered by your judgemental eye roll as he followed you in.
“Well, good morning to you too,” you grumbled, getting back to your own breakfast.
“Morning,” he flashed a smile at you, then proceeded to dig through your fridge for the milk he came for. “Bingo,” he slammed the door shut, holding onto your box of milk victoriously.
Heeseung walked past you casually, heading towards the door only to stop in his tracks, turning his body to face you in a dramatic manner. You glanced up from your bowl of cereal, seeing the obvious question marks plastered on his entire face.
“Are you still going on that date with Marcus?” he pointed the milk at you, an eyebrow raised. The minor twitch of that same eyebrow didn’t go unnoticed, a quirk of his whenever he’s mildly annoyed. For whatever reason, you didn’t know. You brushed off your initial reaction to that detail, responding to him with an unimpressed stare.
“It's Mark,” you corrected through a mouthful of cereal, watching him slowly approach the table, leaning against the chair opposite of you. “And yes, I am. Aren’t you going on a date with that Jessica girl you met at the coffee shop?”
“I am,” he shifted uneasily on his feet, still maintaining that look in his eyes, the one that he has whenever he interrogates you at the mention of a date. It was rather unreadable, he tended to hide it pretty quickly once he realised you caught onto it. Heeseung and you were no strangers to each others’ love lives, constantly curious about potential dates, wishing to indulge purely out of interest. This time, however, Heeseung seemed to emit a much different intent than before. “That’s not important, though. So, what's Mark like?”
“Your date isn’t important but mine is? What? You want him instead?” you deadpanned, attempting to amuse him dryly, unable to understand the reason behind him suddenly prying into the information of your date when he would usually choose to spare listening to the details.
“I’m just … asking,” Heeseung shrugged, a 180 switch from one minute ago, acting as if he could care less, but the stiffness in his stance was telling you otherwise.
You finished the last of your breakfast, getting out of your seat to clean up, hearing Heeseung shuffling around behind you in your quiet apartment. “He’s nice, a decent guy with a funny humour, quite awkward, but also charming,” you described Mark to Heeseung, though you found it was rather simple and vague once you verbally said it out loud, not that you knew him more than that. “What about Jessica?”
Heeseung hadn’t expected you to turn his question on him. He was stunned for a moment, but was quick to recover himself. “She’s cute, really sweet, smart and works in a hospital,”
You nodded slowly, putting the dishes away before turning to face him, resting your hip against the counter. “Where are you taking this girl?”
“The restaurant down the street from the coffee house,”
“The Italian one? What a coincidence. Mark made a reservation at the Spanish restaurant across from it,”
“Of course he did,” Heeseung muttered inaudibly under his breath, just quiet enough for you to not catch onto his words. It only got him a very confused frown from you, your stance changing to rest a hand on your waist.
“What?”
He waved his hand dismissively at you, laughing lightly to distract you from his peculiar behaviour. “Nothing. Maybe we’ll run into each other tonight … or not,”
“Maybe,” you echoed, thinking about the several times you’ve actually ran into Heeseung in the middle of your dates and vice versa. You and him never had dates outside of the area, frequently going to places nearby, but bizarrely, you never question the coincidences if the two of you saw each other.
“I’ll see you later at the coffee house. I heard Jake has some news he wants to tell us,” Heeseung had his hand on the doorknob, ready to leave, his gaze on you unwavering. It was an early morning, yet there was something odd lingering in the air between you and him that you could not comprehend. When it comes to your conversations about dates with Heeseung, it has always been lighthearted discussions, unlike this time where you found yourself troubled and him acting out of character.
“See you, Hee,” you softly bid him a temporary goodbye, absentmindedly using a nickname that only you had reserved for him. He flashed you a quick smile before closing the door, leaving you alone to marinate in the aftermath of your short yet questionable conversation. The thoughts of him persisted for too long till the door to Yunjin’s room swung open, and you failed to notice it.
“Who was that?” her voice successfully brought you out of your daydreams, you could tell from her expressions that she had spotted your strange behaviour almost at once, reminding you to snap out of it and return yourself back to your senses. Call it morning grumpiness or a Heeseung shake up. “Was it Heeseung?” you couldn’t deduce if Yunjin was simply assuming it was him or she had guessed it accurately from the look on your face.
“Yeah,” you chose to feign ignorance, pretending you weren’t bothered by him or even the mention of his name.
Yunjin groaned deeply, rolling her eyes far enough that it might’ve gone to the back of her head. “Did he take our milk again?”
The morning rolled by without either of you bringing up Heeseung’s name once more. As usual, when lunch time came around, the entire group was present at the coffee house, crowding the designated spot, all of you arriving from each of your offices, waiting for Jake to spill his burning hot news.
“So, what’s the big announcement, Jakey boy?” Yunjin sipped on her hot tea, eyeing Jake sharply as he set his briefcase down, the tailored suit hugging his figure perfectly.
“I got offered to teach at NYU!” Jake almost jumped at the announcement, looking as though he had been holding that information in for ages. The group cheered in sync, yelling a collection of congratulations, each one of you taking turns to hug him out of genuine shared excitement. “I’ll be an engineering professor, isn’t it crazy?”
“That’s great, Jake!” Chaewon was the last to hug him, patting him enthusiastically on the back while she made sure her coffee didn’t spill over. She set her mug down, eyes lighting up at an idea that seemed to have appeared in her mind. “How about we go out and celebrate?”
Jake beamed at her suggestion, his answer was already written all over his face. “We should. Shouldn’t we, guys? What about dinner tonight?”
Heeseung glanced at you, meeting your knowing gaze, a mutual understanding passing through the two of you. He turned to Jake, hating to ruin the moment for just a split second. “Sorry pal, Y/N and I have dates tonight. How about tomorrow night?”
“You two are finally going on a date?”
The atmosphere around the group stilled, everyone stopped whatever they were doing, halted mid drink or bite, just to stare at you and Heeseung. Worst part of all, they didn’t even bother questioning Jake’s obvious error. You were sure every one of them had heard and understood Heeseung clearly, but instead, they chose to go with Jake’s misinterpretation.
“What?” Speaking in sync wasn’t entirely helping your case either. You and Heeseung exchanged incredulous glances, facing your group of friends after with nothing but an obvious look of ‘are you kidding me‘, as though their foolishness were incomprehensible to you and Heeseung.
“Wait, you’re not going on a date together?” Jake threaded the waters carefully, shrinking into his seat in embarrassment, contrary to the rest, who perked up in overwhelming interest.
“We’re not going on a date together, not with each other,” Heeseung corrected, sighing loudly out of his flaring nostrils.
“We have dates scheduled with other people. I’m going out with Mark, remember the guy I was saying—”
“Oh! The cute guy from my marketing department!” Chaewon jogged her memory, remembering the details better than Heeseung did. Speaking of him, he was fortunate enough to avoid getting caught rolling his eyes at the mention of your date, a minor detail that went a long way.
“That’s right, Chae, thank you,” you nodded at her, smiling sweetly. “Heeseung’s going out with … who’s she again?” You flashed an apologetic look at him, though it wasn’t convincing. You did remember her name, you were just doing this out of spite, and yes, you were aware of Heeseung glaring at you.
“Jessica,”
“The one with the big tits?” Jay spoke his mind a little too freely, garnering a collective questionable look from the group. He merely shrugged, not one ounce of regret seen in his expressions.
“No, the one with a big heart,” Heeseung grumbled, the sarcasm in his comment remained as per usual.
“Well, we thought—”
“We thought nothing,” Yunjin cut through Chaewon’s words quicker than the speed of light, shooting her a warning glare that you might need to read into after. You and Heeseung couldn’t understand what they meant, neither did the two of you notice the wary looks exchanged between your friends. It was the exact feeling of getting left out of an inside joke, but it was less stinging to know you had Heeseung with you in that experience. “Anyway, should we set dinner for tomorrow night?”
As if on cue, everyone responded with unanimous agreement, brushing past the prior topic without a second thought. You figured it was strange how your friends had reacted to the very ridiculous idea of you and Heeseung going on a date with each other. Plus, what did Jake mean with ‘finally’? Weren’t you and Heeseung just friends, the same way it was with the others?
Hypothetically speaking, if you were to go out on a date with him, what’s so wrong with that?
For that night, to everyone’s disappointment, you already had a date, and his name was Mark. You decided to shake the thoughts away until you were standing by the entrance of your apartment, waiting for your date’s arrival so that you two could walk down to the restaurant together. It was an arrangement you purposely requested, thinking a walk would add some spice to it.
“Hey,”
You didn't need to turn to find out who it was that appeared. From the voice alone, including the warm presence you felt, you concluded that Heeseung had made his presence known. He stood next to you, hands in his pockets, decked out in a sleek suit.
“Hey. You're all dressed up,” you reached over to fix his tie, straightening it to make sure it wasn’t crooked. After all, a good impression was important. “And, you finally know how to tie your own tie,”
“I always knew how to do that,” Heeseung argued back, though it was a weak argument, knowing you had struck dead on a bullseye.
“No, you don't,”
“Yes, I do,”
“Then who’s been the one tying it for you whenever you mess up? Jay?”
Heeseung breathed sharply through his nose, realising you had the last word, but he didn’t mind, a smile proved it, just from thinking about the memories of you fixing his every fucked up tie. “It’s you,”
“That’s right,” you saw that smile of his stretched across his lips, the suddenness of your heart jumping at the sight made your hand fall from his tie, your expressions unknowingly faltering. You recovered yourself in an instant, relieved that Heeseung hadn’t caught onto it. “Are you waiting here too?”
“I’m heading to the restaurant, we’re meeting there. Is your date coming? We can walk together if you’d like,”
“I’d love to, but we’re meeting here,” you softened at his suggestion, noting the hint of disappointment in your tone that you hoped he didn’t notice. There was a short moment of silence that neither you nor him minded, just taking in each other’s presence. “Thanks, Heeseung,”
Heeseung smiled, but it didn’t reach his eyes like it always did. Despite the noises surrounding you, whether it was people talking or the traffic of the busy city, in that moment, you only had each other in focus. “No problem. See you tomorrow?”
You nodded, reaching your hand over again to give him a slightly encouraging squeeze to the shoulder. “I’ll see you tomorrow. Good luck,”
“You too.”
Meeting Mark started off great, the walk to the restaurant had gone according to plan, you managed to get to know more about this guy in Chaewon’s marketing department. He loved cycling, had a cat, lived in the upstate area, basically an ideal recipe for a good boyfriend. You knew you could trust Chaewon’s taste.
Dinner had a slow start to it. You listened to Mark talking about his latest discoveries of restaurants nearby, liking how he carried himself, especially when he spoke of his interests that only made him more interesting. Maybe, just maybe, there was a chance that this would break your ‘first date curse’, that there’d be an actual second date waiting for you.
However, you were wrong, so wrong.
By the time dessert was served, you thought your ears were about to fall off from Mark’s continuous rant about his ex girlfriend. At first, it began with only a simple mention of her, eventually it turned into an emotional spiel, then finally, he decided to close the night off with confessing his longings for her, which beats the entire purpose of the date and ruined your appetite for dessert.
You didn’t bother for him to walk you home, you figured you needed alone time to sort out your afterthoughts about the disastrous date. The moment you bid him goodbye, you knew there was no next time, surely you weren’t going to bump into him either. Once he disappeared around the corner, you found the courage to move, but as you were about to turn and leave, you spotted another figure across the street.
Heeseung.
Likewise, he had seen you at the same time that you did, meeting your eyes almost instantly. You couldn’t help frowning, noticing the lack of his date’s presence, questioning why he was alone just like you were. It didn’t take him another second before he crossed the road skillfully, dodging the traffic as if it was nothing. He appeared right in front of you within a blink of an eye, wearing the brightest smile that resembled the stars in the night sky.
“Didn’t think I’d see you tonight,” you said truthfully, thinking the interaction you had with him before the date was going to be the last time you saw him until the next day. Little did you know, fate had other things set in motion for you and him.
“I thought so too. I’m glad I got to see you though,” he was genuine, you could tell, his smile remained on his face softly, as if your presence was enough to evoke one from him. “How’s your date? Has he left?”
“Don’t talk about my date, it was another disaster,”
“Was he married again?”
“What—no! God, no. I don’t think I can handle it if it happened again,” you shook your head harshly, mostly trying to physically shake the thoughts from your head. You swallowed, uncomfortably shifting on your feet. “He was talking about his ex,”
“Ouch!” Heeseung exclaimed, dramatically placing a hand on his chest.
“I know!”
“The worst kind of date to have,”
“Tell me about it. I had to sit there and hear him yap about her and how she’s a bitch, but then she’s suddenly an angel that he lost,”
His eyebrows furrowed, a frown pulled at his lips, the same one he had whenever a waiter got his order wrong. He clicked his tongue, shaking his head gently. “You know what he truly lost? You,”
You searched his eyes for the truth, terrified he was lying through his teeth, that he was saying things to make your heart jump just for it to be all in your head. “You’re only saying that to make me feel better,”
“I've never lied to you, Y/N,” there, in the middle of a sidewalk, in his suit, Heeseung confessed his thoughts, the moon illuminating the honesty hidden behind his eyes, highlighting the truth laced in his words. “You looked beautiful tonight,”
“Thank you,” you had to ignore the feeling of warmth creeping up your cheeks, hoping—no—praying the darkness managed to cover it. “How was your date? I don’t see her anywhere,”
Heeseung pulled a face, shoulders stiffening at the mention of his night, which gave the clear impression that it didn’t turn out well. “She’s … I don’t know. I didn’t click with her, unfortunately. I don’t think she was interested either, honestly. We went our own ways after, that’s it,”
“Oh, Heeseung,” you winced, making a face that screamed ‘yikes’, causing him to click his tongue in annoyance.
“Don’t start the pity party, it was mutual,” he reached for your arm, pulling you to walk with him, starting your journey back to the apartment. You couldn’t explain it, but the usual route back home became more comforting with him by your side. “I think I might lay off the whole dating thing for a while and focus on work,”
“When was the last time you got laid?”
Heeseung turned to look at you with his mouth hung open midway, partially offended but also shocked at the fact that you dared to ask a question knowing it targeted his already weakened pride. This wasn’t the type of topic the two of you would shy away from, the years of being friends amounted to many awkward instances that trained either of you to turn insensitive to things others would view as taboos in friendships consisting of opposite genders.
You raised an eyebrow, prodding him to answer your question. He rolled his eyes dramatically, exhaling a long, exhausted sigh. All this and he would call you the ‘drama queen’. “Almost three months ago,”
“A-ha! No wonder you said that,” you pointed an accusatory finger at him, nearly cackling in his face. “Men who say they ‘give up’ on dating are usually the ones that are fumbling their chances with a girl time after time. Is that not you?”
“Ouch?” he placed a hand on his chest, mocking a bullet to his heart, feigning a devastated frown to earn pity points from you. Spoiler alert, it failed, because all you could do was laugh at him, ticking him off further. “It’s not my fault I can’t click with anyone. They’re not …” Heeseung bit his tongue at the realisation of almost completing his sentence with ‘you’, the word coming to him in an instinct he didn’t bother to question. Shaking the thought away, he decided to omit it, burying it down in the pits of his abdomen. “They’re not the kind of people that share the same values as I do, you know?”
“I know,” you nodded slowly, wearing a small smile, somewhat relating to him on various levels. The date with Mark being a sinking ship was clear evidence. “I’m not having any luck in that department either. Look at us tonight,” you met his eyes, sharing a mutual understanding, one that neither of you needed to communicate, resulting in a fit of laughter, self-deprecating and wildly targeted at yourselves.
“It just means not yet,” by the time he said that, the both of you had already arrived on the doorsteps of your apartments, conveniently across from each other. It sounded close to a promise of the future, the conviction in his voice nearly convinced you. You hummed in response, contemplating his words, quietly pondering if the day where you’d find love would come. Movies depicting New York as the city where love resided gave you a sense of false hope when you got here. Now years later, you were slapped in the face with the reality of its dating pool.
Choosing to move past the topic of love and dating, you decided to bring up a much more relevant question that’s been bugging you since you saw him earlier on. “Are you coming over for breakfast tomorrow? I'm making pancakes,”
“Are they better than Jay’s?”
“Probably not, but I swear I’ll put butter on top instead of whip cream, the way you like it best,”
“You know me too well,”
You smiled. Of course you did. “Goodnight, Heeseung.”
“Goodnight, Y/N.”
Neither of you dared to reach out to hug the other, it was evident that the both of you wanted to, but unexplainably so, you were too afraid to. Maybe it was the sudden switch in the atmosphere that you couldn’t pinpoint accurately. All you knew was that you could feel his gaze linger on you even as you entered your apartment, feeling his warmth in the empty apartment of yours.
“Heeseung was here for breakfast this morning,”
In your shared living room with Yunjin, she happened to be bringing up some minor details of the day to Chaewon. The three of you were getting ready for Jake’s celebratory dinner at a fine dining restaurant uptown. It would only be fair if you got to prepare yourselves together, choosing the best dresses and gossiping about the latest scandal, except it somehow redirected to you.
“And you got home pretty late last night too,” Yunjin pointed a finger at you, two pairs of eyes turned to look at you, expecting at least a pinch of explanation for a link between these two situations. Shrugging, you couldn’t understand what Yunjin was trying to get out of this, or you were pretending not to know where it was going.
“I had a date with Mark, remember?”
“Nuh-uh,” Yunjin chastised, clicking her tongue, and wagging her finger. Chaewon, on the other hand, scratched at her head, closely observing Yunjin’s thorough investigation. “He’s not the one who walked you home. You would always invite your dates in for coffee, but you didn’t last night, so it means the date failed,”
Right, you didn’t need another reminder from Sherlock Holmes telling you that the only date you had in several months ended up in a ditch. “Okay! Yes, my date with Mark didn’t go as planned,” you threw your arms up in surrender, hoping to move on from your misery, thus choosing to come clean against your will. You moved from the kitchen table to fling your body onto the couch, the bottom of your shirt riding up your hip. “I bumped into Heeseung, then we walked home together, that’s all,”
Yunjin and Chaewon exchanged a knowing glance instantly, as if it was on instinct, leaving you completely out of the loop. They got up from their respective positions and joined you on the couch, one on each side, closing in on you with questions written all over their faces. “That’s … all?” Chaewon added, sounding either hopeful or skeptical, a blurry line between the two,
“Yes,” you affirmed, scoffing humorously at your friends’ ridiculous behaviours. “What?” you turned your head from one to the other to give both of them a curious frown, unable to gauge their thoughts. Whatever they were, they weren’t good, nor were they going to make your frown turn upside down.
“Are you wearing Heeseung’s shirt?” Yunjin pointed at the graphic tee you had on, fooling nobody as it obviously was not fitted for you. To dig your grave deeper, your friends believed you weren’t a fan of Star Trek either, hence the shirt with a large print of Spock made no sense. “He came in asking if he left it here,”
“I borrowed it, that’s it,” you presented your point, but Yunjin and Chaewon weren’t pleased. They were nowhere near satisfied, and it seemed they were willing to go lengths just to squeeze an answer or any semblance of information out of you whether you liked it or not. Your friends were crazy. Period. A fact you had known since the beginning.
“What is Heeseung to you, Y/N?” Yunjin propped her elbows on her knees, chin rested on her palms, staring expectantly at you through her eyelashes.
“Huh?” One question from Yunjin suddenly had the power to wipe off every thought from your head, mind as blank as a sheet of paper. If anything, it was panic that set in.
“You heard her, Y/N,” Chaewon nudged you, seeing through your act of ignorance. Obviously she would, she knew you the best when it came to your feelings. “What’s it between you and Heeseung?”
“He’s my friend—my best friend,” you emphasised on ‘friend’ as though it was successfully helping your point. It was a fact either way. Heeseung was your best friend, he has been for the last five years, your first official friend slash neighbour since moving to the city. He was just that, just Heeseung, nothing more.
“Men and women can’t be just friends,” Yunjin argued, supported by Chaewon who was nodding fervently next to you.
“You know you’re friends with men too, right?” you squinted at her doubtfully, her idea completely defeated the purpose of your own friendgroup.
“I know, we’ve already gone through it,” Yunjin nodded over to Chaewon, her nodding becoming more pronounced, a hushed ‘yeah’ escaped her breath, filled with partial guilt.
“Excuse me?”
“Alright, maybe Chaewon and I had some … past encounters with Jay and Jake, but none of them turned into anything. Oh, God forbid,” Yunjin brushed past your stunned silence, not batting an eye at your face frozen in shock, such information being exchanged before a dinner with said friends wasn’t good for your wellbeing. “It proves my point. Even if nobody says it outwardly, it’s a known fact,”
“There are platonic friendships,” you argued, knowing it was weak, and you were also losing. However, you were standing firm that you and Heeseung were nothing more than friends, close, good friends that understood each other well. That’s it.
“Explain ‘When Harry Met Sally’,” Chaewon was actually using one of your favourite rom-coms against you, you couldn’t believe it, this was total betrayal. How could a movie with Meg Ryan and Billy Crystal be a reflection of your life? That’s far-fetched. “They didn’t like each other at first, but they eventually became friends, then realised they loved each other—not platonically,”
“Come on, that’s a movie,”
“It’s an example for your case,” Yunjin poked your shoulder, tilting her head to one side, presenting her puppy eyes to you. Unfortunately for her, you weren’t letting yourself get convinced by their crazy theories and philosophies. Standing up from the couch, you put your foot down—quite literally so.
“Guys, Heeseung and I will never be more than just friends, that’s crazy. I’m sure the others don’t share the same ideas as you two,” your laugh gradually died down when you saw the looks on their faces, telling you that your two other friends did think you and Heeseung could cross the lines of friendship. “Nevermind. Still, it’s impossible. He’s never once given me signs that he likes me that way,”
“I’d like to disagree,” Yunjin raised her hand, Chaewon following suit.
“Me too,”
You chose to dismiss them, clapping your hands together, staring down at them with your lips pressed tightly together. “Agree to disagree. And I’ll move on. My point is, we’re friends, end of story. There’s no way it’ll happen. Ever,”
“This is going to end up biting you in your ass, Y/N,” Yunjin seemed a bit more serious this time, genuine concern laced in her tone, the crinkles in between her eyebrows showed her thoughts without verbally expressing them.
“Not if nothing happens and everything stays the same. I’ll come out unscathed,” you sounded determined, though your heart and mind were the complete opposite, but you ignored them for now, uncertain how long you could continue to do so. “I’ll prove it to you that we’re just friends,”
“How?” Chaewon shared the same doubts as you did, except you were much better at hiding them.
“You’ll see,”
Coincidences were frightening. At that moment, there came a series of knocks on your door that you recognised in a matter of seconds. Your neighbours, Heeseung and Jay, were ready to leave for the scheduled dinner. They seemed to know when and how to make their presence known as usual. It would be believable if someone told you they’ve been listening behind the door all along, but you figured that’d be your nightmare that night instead of it being reality.
“Are you guys ready?”
Exchanging frantic glances, the three of you burst out laughing at the so-called ‘divine timing’. You were quick to shush them in order to lower any suspicions from the other end. Giggles were hard to stifle completely, most of which stemmed from your two giddy friends. You picked up your clutch from the coffee table, ready to run to your room to change. The other two hopped off the couch to make finishing touches to their makeup.
“Be there in a few minutes!”
Trying to ignore your friends’ claims of you and your guy best friend potentially being a thing wasn’t easy, not when he was seated next to you throughout dinner.
God damn it.
“…and that is how I secured the job. I still can’t believe it,” Jake finished his lengthy story, explaining the entire process that got him his new position at NYU. A few glasses of wine in, every one of you were far from being completely sober. Well, that was excluding Jake and Heeseung, the default duo that avoided drinking and had the responsibility of looking over the group.
“So, what’s your lesson plan?” Chaewon chewed on her piece of french fries obnoxiously, showing actual curiosity about his job while Jay and Yunjin were engrossed in refilling each others’ cups with more wine. That left you and Heeseung to yourselves, both of you had already disassociated from the earlier conversation (sorry, Jake).
“Are you okay?” Heeseung looked over at you, noting your unusual silence since the start of dinner. Normally, you would be grateful for how observant he was, that he wouldn’t miss a single chance to check in on you if he noticed something was off. This time, however, he was the last person you wished to be conversing with.
“Peachy,” you raised your wine glass at him before drinking a sip out of it, eyes widening just a fraction behind the glass. Yunjin and Chaewon truly set you up for failure by dropping a bomb on you. Now, you’re stuck trying to be normal around Heeseung with a different perspective compared to hours ago. “Just thinking,”
“About?”
You. Lee Heeseung. Honesty wasn’t always the best policy, thus you blurted out the second thing you had in mind. “‘When Harry Met Sally’,”
Heeseung blinked for a few beats, realisation gradually setting in, a breathy chuckle left his lips. He shook his head in disbelief, not understanding your craze around that movie. What did he know about the superiority of friends to lovers trope anyway? “Don’t tell me you’re on your—what—tenth rewatch?”
“It’s my twelfth, actually,” you corrected sharply, holding a finger up. You took another bigger gulp of wine when Jay filled your cup, both him and Yunjin were on the way to getting drunk from finishing nearly the entire bottom themselves. “The best romance movie made of all time, period,”
“Over ‘Grease’? ‘The Princess Bride’? Oh, ‘Dirty Dancing’? Those are our favourites,” Heeseung gasped, sounding betrayed by your choice of romance movies. You didn’t miss the hidden detail where he stressed on the movies he listed were ‘our’ favourites. Not ‘mine’, but ‘our’, as in you and I. God, you wished you were less aware of every tiny aspect about what he said or did.
“You’re only saying that because I made you watch ‘When Harry Met Sally’ ten times out of my twelve rewatches, and you’re sick of it,”
“I am sick of it,”
“But if I invited you over for the thirteenth rewatch as a movie night, you’d come, wouldn’t you?” you leaned closer to him, wearing a cheeky smile to tease him even more. He gave you one of his classic eye rolls, trying to come off as annoyed only for the grin on his lips to sell him out.
“Of course I would, you know that,” he flicked your forehead softly, pulling a humorous laugh from you. You’ve always been easily amused by him. Heeseung kept his gaze on you, hiding his smile with his glass of water which he was drinking out of.
“Y/N!” Jay semi-shouted from across the table, getting many shushes from your friends, yet his tipsy state meant he was extra shameless, so he continued to wave at you. “Let me pour you another glass!”
You slid him your almost empty wine glass, watching him pour you an obscene amount of wine. What didn’t help was you meeting Yunjin’s eyes, and you could clearly read the message she was trying to convey with a single raise of her eyebrows, alongside the slight nod to the person next to you. You had a feeling she was keeping a close watch on you the whole night.
Taking your glass back, you stared at it with an expression that could only be described as dreadful delight. Sure, you were more than happy to indulge in expensive Italian wine, but the thought of the aftermath usually pained you more than the initial pleasure. After all, you would admit being a lightweight contrary to the constant denials that you were not one. Your drinking records and history would betray you immensely.
“If you can’t drink that much, I can help,” Heeseung, your knight in shining armour, butted in to lend you a helping hand. But it wasn’t his first day knowing you. You weren’t someone who would go down without a fight. He had to learn it the hard way in the past, so if he were to give a stance on this, he chose to step away from stopping you.
“I can handle it,”
“Are you sure?”
“I’m very sure, don’t worry.”
Turns out, you couldn’t handle it, and your assurance was for nothing. The restaurant probably hated you and your friends for stumbling out, slurring incoherently, only two out of the six were visibly sober, bearing the burden to carry all of the others away from the place and into two separate cabs. The usual plan was enforced. Jake would bring Chaewon home, while Heeseung had to deal with dumb, dumber, and dumbest.
Don’t even get Heeseung started on how he managed to get the three of you up the flight of stairs in the apartment building. It was a miracle all of you were just heavily tipsy, and not full on drunk, that would be a tale for another day. He made sure Jay got into their apartment before escorting you and Yunjin back to yours. Yunjin muttered a grateful ‘thanks’ to him then disappeared into her room, which meant it was you and Heeseung together again. Alone.
“I had a fun night,” you twirled around in his arms, breaking into a song out of nowhere, the alcohol in your system visibly getting to you. The lyrics of your favourite ABBA song was being jumbled up in your mouth, Heeseung doing his utmost best to correct you as he stifled his laughter. “We should have another dinner party,”
“We will. Once everyone is sober,” he had his hand on your back, guiding you towards the couch, placing a bunch of pillows behind you. His patience was commendable. You settled into your seat, appreciating the warmth coming from his side, his shoulder pressed against yours. The comfort of his presence resembled a warm hug on a rainy day, enveloping you in constant assurance. It was something that could never get old. You leaned your head on his shoulder, snuggling closer to him.
“Remember our first trip to the beach?” You reminisced about the time when you and the others packed up for the weekend to head to the beach, courtesy of Chaewon’s aunt allowing every one of you to stay at her beach house. That trip alone was a key factor to your long lasting friendship, witnessing the highs and lows of your friends while they also watched yours, and that was barely an exaggeration.
Heeseung nodded slowly, curious to where your babbling was going. “What about it?”
“I still think about us on the beach—I meant the both of us—when we walked on the shoreline, collecting seashells. I think that is one of my favourite memories ever,” your eyelids were getting heavy, every word was uttered with whatever power left in you. Heeseung took a peek at you, smiling at your serene state.
“It’s one of mine too. I remember all the sunsets and sunrises there. It was beautiful … unforgettable,” Heeseung could go on and on about that weekend spent there, it was the first trip you and your friends took as a group, one of the most chaotic trips as well. But it also happened to be the time where Heeseung realised he viewed you differently from the rest. “I still have the picture I took of you and the sunset,”
You were partly clear-headed at that moment, stunned by the memory he brought up out of the blue. He had never once forgotten about it, neither did you. Most importantly, it was how he said it which made your heart experience sensations you hadn’t felt in a long time. This was Heeseung, your Heeseung, a friend and a brother figure, there shouldn’t be anything more than that, should it? “And I have the seashells we collected together,”
Heeseung’s expressions softened, his lips twisted into a smile full of nostalgia, recalling the memory fondly as if it had just happened a few weekends ago. If he closed his eyes tightly for a minute, he may be transported back to then. The sound of the sea waves, the smell of the salty breeze, your laughter taking space in his mind. He was grateful his face wasn’t fully in view for you to see in case his eyes turned against him. He might’ve been silent, but his gaze spoke for him. Longing and missing the absence of the burden of carrying his heavy feelings.
“Heeseung,” you called out his name, breaking the thick silence, startling him awake from his trance-like state. He twisted his neck slowly to look at you, inspecting you closely in search of any troubles. Your stoic face seemed to not give anything away.
“Hm?”
“I think I need to puke,”
The calmness behind that statement managed to evoke sheer alarm in Heeseung. He was about to jolt out of his seat when he remembered you were leaning on him. As gentle as he could, he removed your head from his shoulder, pulling you up from the couch with him, holding onto you carefully.
“Let’s do that in the bathroom, shall we?”
“I don’t think I’m drinking again, Hee,”
“You say that every time you drink,”
The urge to release all your discomfort came rushing when you regurgitated the night’s contents into the toilet bowl. You were kneeling on your bathroom floor, bent over the toilet bowl, puking in intervals, looking absolutely pathetic, all while Heeseung held onto your hair. He never complained, treating it as another night stuck with a drunk you. Now that you were much more stable than before without nausea knocking on your door little by little, you were stuck on the thought of whether your puking episode was induced by the alcohol or Heeseung as a whole.
Holding onto that thought in mind, you collapsed onto the ground from fatigue, sitting slouched against your bathroom walls, feeling ten times lighter and a million times better. Heeseung knelt before you, holding onto either side of your head as it kept lolling back. Sleep was evidently getting close to you, the fluttering of your eyelids revealed your tiredness without a doubt. You forced your eyes open, instantly staring into his, a gleeful smile involuntarily appearing on your face. If Yunjin and Chaewon saw you then, you would be a goner, your attempt to prove them wrong would be redundant.
“Why are you so good to me?”
“I don’t know how not to be. It’s easy when it’s you,” Heeseung gently pressed your cheeks together, chuckling under his breath at your mildly irritated expression. He probably thought it was due to him playfully teasing you by squeezing your face, but in actuality, you were bothered by his words, how he said them without any hesitance as though it was second nature. None of it was as casual as he made it out to be.
Heeseung’s eyes flickered, gradually recognising what had actually left his lips as it slowly settled in, causing him to clear his throat, swallowing thickly. “Because that’s what friends do,”
The changes in your microexpressions were swift, face falling with a frown etching itself into your skin, all of which were barely noticeable if not scrutinized upon, but knowing Heeseung, you had a feeling he might’ve caught onto it at first glance. You couldn’t explain the disappointment burning into your bones once you registered what he said, the cut only went deeper knowing it came personally from him, not the voices screaming in the back of your mind. Shooting you possibly hurts less.
It was what you wanted, wasn’t it? To establish you and him were purely friends and nothing more. That was the whole point of your conviction to your own friends, it would be embarrassing to go back on it. But why were you sorely unhappy when he himself claimed that you and him were friends? Till the point where it was causing you uncontrollable sorrow that you had to push his hands away, using the walls as support to get yourself off the ground.
Severely caught off guard, Heeseung tried to help you in the process of standing up, though it wasn’t much when you got on your own two feet by yourself. Great, you felt the nauseating feeling in the back of your throat returning, only this time, you were certain it was caused by Heeseung. Speaking of Heeseung, you were met with his utterly perplexed yet worried look twisted in his tired face, wordlessly begging for answers that you couldn’t seem to provide.
“It’s getting late, and you’re tired. I can manage,” you opened the bathroom door, exiting through it while still facing Heeseung, hoping you wouldn’t get betrayed by your feet while walking backwards foolishly. “See? I can walk perfectly fine—”
Scratch that.
You spoke too soon. As always. Another step taken backwards, your foot landed in an odd direction, which instantly caused you to lose your balance. Despite his exhaustion after a long night, his senses were constantly on high alert, hand flying out to grab onto your forearm, stopping you from falling back. To make things worse, he yanked onto your arm, pulling you into him without considering your frail state of mind and body, explaining your current position of your hands propped against his shoulder.
“Still clumsy,” Heeseung attempted to break the silence with a lighthearted jab, which may have backfired a little when you continued to be unresponsive, silently staring at him with your mouth slightly ajar. The proximity wasn’t helping your prior mental war with yourself either. The concoction of intoxication and incoming hormone fluctuations were actively going against you as you battled with attraction and horror. You chose to respond to the horrifications created in your mind instead of the other.
“Not a single scratch,” you removed yourself from his hold for another time that night, chuckling nervously, your breath itself was also shaky. Definitely not helping your case. “Thanks again,”
“It’s alright,” no sarcastic comments, no targeted digs at you, no usual Heeseung-like behaviour, it was purely him. Earnest and serious, another side of him that he wasn’t afraid to reveal to you.
“That’s what friends do, right? Saving each others’ asses,” you weren’t in your right mind, it was evident when you said that and proceeded to punch Heeseung lightly on his shoulder to cover up your embarrassment. Heeseung wasn’t entirely thrilled after hearing that. It could be your eyes deceiving you, but you swore there was a flash of solemnness taking over his face at one point. He had the same look as the time he got heartbroken by his cat going missing.
“Right, friends,” he repeated that word with enough sourness to make others think he had issues socialising growing up, giving people the impression that he had an agenda against friends. The air in your apartment was turning stuffy by the minute, it was practically calling for you to force windows open because you were far from breathing properly. He released a sigh under his breath, taking a step to the side, his gaze stuck to his shoes. “I think I should get going now. Wash up and sleep. There’s medicine in your bedside table if you forget,”
“See you in the morning, Hee.” you couldn’t bear to follow him to the door, it was as though your body failed to comply with your mind completely. It was your pair of eyes that went after him, closely watching his every move to the door. He spared you one last look, not even a single smile that he would usually have whenever he’s at the door or at the mention of his nickname. Just like that, he was gone, and you were there staring blankly at your door, heart dropping to your abdomen for reasons you couldn’t come to terms with.
What have you done?
“Does this match the curtains?”
You were standing in the middle of the furniture and home decor section of Bloomingdale’s with Heeseung next to you. It was conveniently a Saturday evening right before a dinner plan at your apartment with your friends, but unlike any other Saturdays, it was your birthday. As a way to celebrate, you decided to treat yourself to new additions to your apartment’s decor, not without Heeseung’s presence though. Truthfully, it was an unconventionally weird way to celebrate yourself, but Heeseung was used to it, rather desensitized if he could argue.
“Realistically, you wouldn’t even display this on the coffee table, so let’s put this down,” Heeseung grabbed the quirky-looking monkey figure from your hand to place it back at its original position. “The duck you got last year is still rotting in your kitchen drawer,”
“Didn’t need to spoil my party,” you pouted, feigning hurt in hopes for Heeseung to take his words back, but he knew you a little too well, seeing through your patterns to ignore them. Instead, he threw an arm around your shoulder, pulling you closer to his side. The sudden physical proximity had turned you frozen under his touch for a split second, eventually easing into it like how you usually would be.
Acting wasn’t your forte. You’ve known that since your first and last musical appearance as tree number four in your middle school play. But lately, you found yourself being an Oscar winning actress pretending like the usual jokes or physical touches weren’t bugging you, hiding how that entire night had been bothering you since he left your apartment. Don’t get you started on your friends. You should win a Golden Globe alongside the Oscar for convincing them nothing special happened, that he sent you home and left right after. Yeah, you wished it transpired in that precise order.
That night was an emotional scar if you would put it one way or another. It was left painfully unanswered like a telephone call, neither you nor him addressed what went down, deciding to brush past whatever it was when you called each other ‘friends’ and that stifling tension between the both of you. Everything you could recall from that particular night became a frightful memory, marking a significant change in the course of your friendship. Although none of you had said anything about it, you were sure he could feel it just as you did. But of course, you chose to stay silent in fear it would affect your friendship with him, and he most likely shared the same sentiment, doing anything just to stay safe.
Basically, it summed up your whole friendship.
“So, how does it feel turning another year older?”
“Feels like shit,” you lamented, the idea of being closer to a mid-life crisis wasn’t exactly tasteful. Growing up, birthdays weren’t your favourite time of the year (truth be told, it was Christmas). Hey, what’s really so fascinating about getting older? Cakes, candles, balloons, those looked nicer in movies or parties for your friends rather than at your own party, it didn’t feel the same when it was for you.
“Hey, we got you your favourite cherry cake from that bakery downtown, so don’t get all pessimistic about your big day,” Oh, traditions, you loved them. Since your first year in New York, you’ve always gotten the same cake for your birthday, a cherry cake glazed with chocolate, heaven introduced in your mouth. With that cherry cake and your friends, those were all you needed for your birthday. Maybe also a call from your family.
“You know I get sappy whenever it’s my birthday, I can’t help it,” you innocently shrugged, but he didn’t buy it for a second time, he was aware of your minor disdain for your own birthdays, and he has made it known that he wanted to change that. “You can help if you get me this—” you grabbed a stuffed monkey toy from the display, parading it in front of Heeseung’s face obnoxiously, your shit-eating grin wasn’t supporting your argument. “It’s speaking to me,”
“How many more monkeys do you need in your apartment?”
“I don’t think I have enough,” to be fair, you had one sad and lonely monkey related item currently residing in your kitchen, which was the monkey clock, Marvin, a treasured item you named after Marvin the Martian from the Looney Tunes. Yunjin had maternal instincts towards the wee monkey; she has made it known since it appeared in the apartment. You reckoned it needed a friend in the house. “Marvin needs a companion,”
“Marvin’s mothers should pay more attention to him instead,”
“Or Marvin’s uncle can get him a sibling? Friend, perhaps?” you were pulling out the signature sweet tone you used for convincing someone, holding back a bark of laughter at how he had enough of your measly act. “Please?” you held the monkey plushie at eye-level, covering your face with it while pleading with Heeseung. In his point of view, you were a demon with horns poking out of your head who knew what trouble you were up to exactly, utilizing your strengths of winning him over.
Like a weak bastard that he very much was, he bought you the monkey plushie. He blamed himself for caving into your pleas, knowing damn well he was going to end up complaining to your friends only for them to hit him back with ‘you couldn’t say no to her’ yet again, which always successfully shut him up.
He was a weak-willed man, what can you say? But at the same time, this man also happened to be sly, and succeeded at moving under the radar. As you yapped away to Heeseung about the affordability of groceries, what you thought was a normal walk back to your apartment was actually a hidden plan of Heeseung preparing to bring you to your surprise party at the apartment. That’s right, Lee Heeseung planned a party for you with the help of your friends. And he was not screwing it up.
Coordination was hard to achieve when it came to dealing with your friends, that was another thing Heeseung had to learn the hard way. All that turned to nothing when he saw the smile on your face once the door to your apartment ripped open, revealing your friends, colleagues and some members of your family. Those gleaming eyes of yours stared right at him, emotions swirling within them, almost in denial that everyone you loved was there for you. It didn’t take you more than a second to know he was the one behind this, you just knew, which only choked you up further when you wrapped your arms around him, heart swelling in your chest.
“Thank you.” You whispered into his ears, arms tightening around him a little more. He said nothing, rubbing his palm on your back, a soft kiss lingered similar to a ghost on the top of your head. Soon, you pulled away, his hands on your waist stayed for a beat longer, almost in a desperate attempt to hold onto you a bit more. Your touch then left as quick as it came, imprinting into his memory like an addiction that was hard to overcome. He watched as you left his side to greet the guests and thank your other friends, a slight smile resting on his lips, feeling as though you were so close yet so far.
You surrounded yourselves with your friends, doing anything but acknowledging Heeseung’s gaze from across the room, convincing yourself that it meant nothing more than what it seemed. There were a few instances where you met his eyes, exchanging brief smiles, pretending that either one of you weren’t already looking at the other in the first place. At the end of the day, you and him were friends, just friends, nothing more, or that was what you said to yourself as a reminder, especially when your heart picked up a few paces quicker around him.
‘Grateful’ wasn’t close to describing how you felt that night. Good food, great companies, amazing cake, a rich collection of gifts, maybe turning another year older wasn’t as frightening as you thought it was. By the end of the evening, with all the guests gone, your friends leaving one by one, Yunjin calling an early night, you took it upon yourself to clean the apartment up, under the condition where Heeseung would lend you a helping hand.
“I still can’t believe you were the mastermind behind all this,” you expressed your surprise that never went away since the start of the party, throwing the cloth down as you finished wiping the countertop, the last part of your strategic cleaning plan. Joining Heeseung on the couch, resting your feet on top of the coffee table, you let out a breath of relief when you relaxed your body into the soft material.
“You have that little faith in me?” he turned to give you a small frown, extracting a breathy chuckle from you.
“Heeseung, you can’t even plan a trip to the dentist,”
“Ouch?”
You grinned, keeping your eyes on him a minute more before you spoke again, letting the peaceful silence calm the crashing waves in the midst of this storm. His gaze never wandered astray, focusing on you and solely you, the intensity of it nearly got you shifting uneasily in your seat. “Thanks for tonight, Hee, I mean it. You made it less scary to turn older,”
“I’m glad then,” there was a visible sign of relief flushing across his entire body, the time he spent planning hadn’t gone to waste. Everything had indeed worked out according to his favour, and getting to see you smile so widely during the cutting of your cake was the best part of it.
“I still haven’t got my present from you,”
“I know. I was hoping you’d ask me to stay,”
“You know I’ll always ask you to stay,”
One thing you didn’t manage to fathom then was the weight of your words and the consequences they carried. It might’ve been said carelessly and casually, but you meant it—deeply. A fraction of Heeseung’s smile faltered, an equal amount of realisation dawning on him, which was eventually deflected by resorting to a swift grab of your present from under the coffee table. A small box was presented to you in the palm of his hands, a red ribbon tied around it with a handwritten birthday card. His scribbly handwriting was distinct, you recognised it at once.
“Open it,” he egged you on, anticipating your reaction, an excited glint to his irises that sparked your curiosity. You shushed him for urging you, then settled into your own pace by unknotting the ribbon and opening the box slowly, your own expectations getting to you. Luckily, you were far from disappointed. On the contrary, you were taken aback from his choice of gift.
The content of the box revealed itself to be a gleaming silver chain with a small heart pendant. To others, it might seem like a typical birthday present, but you knew better. It wasn’t any ordinary necklace, you recognised it in a heartbeat, it was the one on display that you stopped to stare when you waited for Heeseung. You thought he hadn’t noticed that day, the two of you embarked on your walk as though you weren’t staring at the necklace through the shop window for at least five minutes.
“Really?” you gasped, eyes flitting between him and the necklace in your hands, wondering whether it was truly in your possession. You didn’t know which surprised you more, getting a piece of jewellery that you dreamt of or Heeseung paying attention to every minor detail when it came to you. You set the box down, pulling him into a hug without thinking twice. “You knew,”
“I saw you that day. You were looming around the window, staring at that particular necklace. I had a feeling you wouldn’t get it after you pretended not to care when I showed up,” you chuckled mainly out of embarrassment at how Heeseung read you to filth. That’s what you get for having a best friend. “I went back the next day and bought it. Thought it was out of a whim, I didn’t know how or when to give it to you, so I saved it for your birthday,”
He bought it with you in mind the entire time. One thing’s certain, you were touched, and very much emotional. He had successfully gotten you in your feels, but also simultaneously confused. Was this something friends do, you thought to yourself. You pulled away from him, arms still wrapped around his neck, the intimacy in this wasn’t expressed, but it was certainly felt and understood between you and him. “Thank you,”
“You’re welcome. I hope you like it,”
“I love it.” It wasn’t an extravagant piece, it was just right, something that screamed ‘you’. You were scared to pick it up and take it out of the box, admiring it just as you did at that shop window. Like always, Heeseung noticed every little shift in your demeanor, sensing your hesitance at once. He took the box from your hold, removing the delicate necklace from its position. One lift of his eyebrows conveyed an adequate message for you to turn around, sweeping your hair to the other shoulder, unintentionally holding your breath while you waited.
The cold chain sent small chills all over your body when it touched your skin, the sensation soon overpowered by the feeling of his fingers grazing against the back of neck as he fiddled with the clasp. His lackluster attempt was painful to endure, you had to grit your teeth while pretending it wasn’t bothering you, that none of this meant anything beyond the lines of friendship. That his act of buying you the necklace and putting it on you weren’t something for you to read into.
Suddenly, the heart pendant hanging on the necklace weighed heavier around your neck. While you tossed around in bed, all you could think of was Heeseung and the emotions stirred internally whenever you were around him, most of which you pushed down and prayed against. What more was needed for you to listen to your heart when he quite literally gave you his heart first? That necklace was him blatantly handing you his fragile heart, and you were cursed with the responsibility of carrying it with you all the time.
“You’re kidding me,”
Nothing was more comforting than a warm cup of coffee at your favourite coffee house the morning after. Then again, your peace was routinely ruined by your two preying best friends. Yunjin and Chaewon never wasted a second more to square down on you and attack like a hawk, edging you to the side of the sofa as you held onto your mug out of fear.
“He got you the necklace you’ve been eyeing for months,” Yunjin was eye-levelled with the necklace sitting on your chest, in between gawking and shocked, mostly unable to comprehend the layers of this situation. “And you never told him. He just did it because he wanted to,”
“I’m sick of the two of you circling each other!” Chaewon groaned, punching the pillows with pure frustration that wasn’t fueled by caffeine, gaining several customers’ attention. Her tiredness regarding this topic about you and Heeseung was equally shared by Yunjin, both girls stared at you with an unmistakable question splattered over their faces: ‘what are you going to do now?’
“We’re not. It’s nothing,” you muttered into your cup of coffee, avoiding every confrontation as though it were a plague chasing you. Each time you did so, you started to realise the walls were getting brittle and breaking down, that you could no longer say you and Heeseung were nothing with full confidence. Because frankly, you were beginning to doubt even yourself.
“If you’re really not into Heeseung, then prove it. Go on a double date,” Yunjin officially stood her ground, beyond being annoyed with her two best friends that were so obviously in love with each other till the point where it got suffocating, and everyone around them knew except for themselves. How did Cupid handle the stress of setting people up when she couldn’t bear seeing her two stupidly in love friends? Yunjin seriously considered if this would be worth it, but once her mind strayed to the thought of a wedding, she figured it might be.
“Where are you getting a double date for us anyway? Besides, it’s not going to work. We had double dates before, and I felt nothing seeing him with somebody else,”
“That was the past. We’re talking about now, Y/N. You can fool yourself by thinking you feel nothing for him, but we know better, your heart knows better,” Chaewon added, offering her two cents, earning Yunjin’s nod of approval. You scoffed, finding your friends a little too ridiculous for taking their methods up a notch.
“I already have your and Heeseung’s matches. They’re my friends from work. Jungwon and Wonyoung, remember? You met them at my party last summer,” Yunjin rubbed her hands, reminding you of those evil masterminds, the eager grin only convinced you of her secret plotting. Oh, this was definitely discussed with the rest of your friends without you nor Heeseung’s knowledge. How evil of them.
“I remember,”
“Great! I’ll set a dinner date this Saturday. Seven, at that Italian restaurant we always go to. How’s that?” Yunjin clapped, leg shaking out of sheer enthusiasm.
“Sounds good. I’ll show you—all of you—that I have no feelings for Lee Heeseung whatsoever. It’ll be another successful double date, I’m sure.”
Define ‘successful’.
If sitting opposite to Heeseung and his date who were overly engrossed with each other and being stuck with an awkward partner was deemed successful, then you’d consider yourself lucky.
Dinner started off eventful. A typical ice breaker was introduced to get to know one another, discovering everyone clicked pretty well, which tricked you into thinking it’d go well, but it seemed to plummet like a landslide. Jungwon was a nice guy, you’d admit it. Other than a handful of conversations exchanged, there was nothing much to your interactions with him, so you surrendered quickly, admitting to feeling absolutely no spark whatsoever. You figured he got the memo, likely sharing the same sentiment as you did as the two of you ate your respective pasta with a tinge of depression watching the other couple hit it off better in comparison.
“Y/N, how long have you known Heeseung?” Wonyoung was sweet, a princess even, and that wasn’t an exaggeration. You wouldn’t be surprised if Heeseung was actually enamoured with her at first sight. She was the epitome of perfection as a human. Smart and charming, she carried the night’s conversations with ease.
“A few years now, since I moved to New York,”
“So, you guys must be close, huh?”
You paused, hesitation stopping you when you briefly met his eyes, a first after a long time since the night began, realising you hadn’t talked to each other at all. You didn’t address it mentally, but you were sure it was a way of you avoiding him, isolating him unintentionally. Turning your attention back to Wonyoung, you forced a smile. “Yeah, we are,”
“She’s my neighbour, that’s how we first met,” Heeseung chimed in, bringing back a fond memory of yours. The first day you moved to the big city would always be something you held close to your heart. “I offered her a slice of pizza but she thought I was some sleazebag,”
That got a collective laughter from each of you. You shook your head, a faint smile ghosted your lips, reminiscing the moment that felt almost as though it had just happened a day prior. Wonyoung, on the other hand, seemed to be thoroughly amused by Heeseung, giggling a little harder than most while placing a hand on his forearm. “Which place did you get the pizza from? Not the one downtown, right?”
“Oh, no, never. I go to Joe’s Pizza all the time,”
“I love Joe’s! The pepperoni slice is a classic,”
“You get it!”
Pizza has continuously become the bane of your existence. A dough with cheese and some stupid toppings was enough to spark a heated conversation between Heeseung and Wonyoung, entrapping them in their own bubble for another time that night. What an eye sore. Jungwon turned to you, an unmistakable mix of pity and boredom in his face was recognised by you in an instant. Still, like the sweet guy he was, he tried to strike up a conversation.
“What’s your favourite movie?”
Thank God for a question you could have a passionate debate over. You beamed visibly, spine straightened with a thrilled grin, the only and obvious answer sitting on the tip of your tongue. “‘When Harry Met Sally’,”
Jungwon snapped his fingers eagerly, nodding in mutual agreement. At least there was one person who could agree on your choice of movie. “Good choice, Meg Ryan was fantastic in it. One of the best rom-coms of all time,”
You placed a hand on your chest, a little dramatically if you may add. “I appreciate you saying that. I agree,”
“I don’t mean to eavesdrop, but can I add something to this discussion?” Wonyoung interrupted, brushing some hair behind her ear. You held your tongue, fixing a practiced smile as a green light for her to continue. “I don’t understand the craze around that movie, I think there are better rom-coms out there,”
“Finally! Someone understands,” Heeseung laughed, throwing his hands up with a degree of satisfaction knowing there was another person out there who shared his dislike over your favourite movie. This only annoyed you further. Seeing him and Wonyoung getting along better than anticipated had gotten to your nerves initially, but hearing the two of them slander your favourite movie was close to crossing the line. To rub salt into your wound, Heeseung was completely aware about how the movie was your go-to every time. After all, he was there for most of your rewatches, seeing you laugh and cry to your favourite rom-com.
“It has beautiful shots, wonderful acting, amazing actors, an emotional plot, what more can you get?” Jungwon was standing his ground, which you learnt to admire. Now you know who to call for your next rewatch instead of Heeseung.
“I just don’t think best friends can fall in love after twelve years. That’s too long! It’s basically platonic at that point,” Wonyoung argued.
“Best friends can and do fall in love—” you started, finding the words tumbling out of you from sheer agitation, trying to present your point rather impulsively without thinking straight. Your eyes averted to Heeseung, just to discover him already staring at you in the first place, causing your throat to tighten up all of a sudden. “Regardless of time, it just … happens,” you faltered, realisation slowly dawning on you.
Your friends were right. ‘When Harry Met Sally’ was a guide this entire time, leading you to finally recognise your own feelings before it was too late. But you were indeed too late. You’ve wasted your time circling around the truth, afraid of facing it, until you were left to deal with the consequences. Here you were, watching him falling for someone else.
The table fell silent. You looked away from Heeseung, clearing your throat, putting on your millionth uncomfortable smile for the night. Well, you were always known for acting without thinking, or in this case, speaking without thinking, as you didn’t consider the gravity of hinting yourself potentially being in love with your best friend. A normal Saturday dinner, eh?
“How about dessert?”
If you had to go through another double date in the future, you’d rather swear off love than experience something similar again. In the restaurant’s restroom, standing before the mirror, you hoped the contents in your stomach wouldn’t be flushed down the toilet bowl by the end of the night. The thought of you being in love with Heeseung was close to sending you into a shock, coming to terms with it in the middle of dinner reasonably made things worse for you. Was this a sign to move to the countryside?
“You’re really lucky,” Wonyoung’s voice startled you out of your daze, her figure appearing next to you, washing her hands meticulously. That was very on brand of her, you expected no less. “It’s rare to have a friendship like that—you and Heeseung. I can tell that you care about each other a lot,”
“We do,”
“I should be thankful for Yunjin since she set this whole thing up. He’s a really good guy,”
You nodded, swallowing a growing lump in your throat, a prickling sensation growing stronger in your eyes. At that point, you could only utter a string of words, feeling overwhelmed with helplessness. “Yeah, he is. That’s Heeseung.”
Should you be thankful that dinner’s ended and the night was over after a dreadful long wait? You parted ways with Heeseung and Wonyoung, following Jungwon to his car as he insisted on dropping you home. The walk there was suffocating, a couple of small talks scattered here and there, neither one of you had the heart to expand anymore knowing it was leading to nowhere. All you could think of then was what the other couple would be up to. Was he bringing her to his favourite spot? Was he just dropping her off and leaving immediately? Endless possibilities followed by more overthinking.
“You’re in love with him, aren’t you?” Jungwon broke the silence with a question that pierced through you like the sharpest knife. What a conversation starter. You had a feeling he was more than what you assumed him to be. You came to a stop in the middle of the sidewalk, looking at him with an expression that gave off the impression of you being scandalized.
“Is it that obvious?”
“Yes,” there was barely any sugarcoating, he was straight to the point. The truth was deemed to be both beneficial and harmful to you in your weak and fragile state. “I have eyes, Y/N. I can see the way you look at him, and how you look at him when you think nobody’s watching,”
You were caught absolutely red handed, a big flashy spotlight pointed on you, telling the world that you’re fully guilty of being in love with your best friend. If a date that you’ve known for a few hours could see right through you, you couldn’t imagine what your friends had to deal with. Now you felt apologetic to them. “I guess I am,” you had nowhere to hide, what could you lose by being transparent with your date? “But I think I lost him,”
“If there’s one thing ‘When Harry Met Sally’ proved, it’s that you’re never too late,” Jungwon patted your arm in weak reassurance. “Or you can wait another ten years,”
You swatted at his hand, snorting lightheartedly. Rolling your eyes, you started walking again, letting him catch up to you.
“Oh, shut it. Drive me home.”
Was it bad to admit that you’ve been praying for the downfall of Heeseung’s relationship with Wonyoung? Apparently some DIY spell you got from Chaewon’s witch friend failed horrendously when the both of them showed up to dinner hosted by Yunjin at your own apartment. Maybe it was the one ingredient you swapped out that caused this.
This was the first time Heeseung brought her over. None of you had expected this. After your horrendous double date experience, Heeseung made it known that he was seeing her further, but no labels were established for now. You’ve been keeping your distance from him, convincing yourself you shouldn’t be close to a guy friend that had a potential girlfriend out of respect. However, deep down, you knew the truth that it was only because you wanted to avoid getting hurt less.
“What do you think about Wonyoung?” you whispered to Yunjin as you helped her prepare the dishes in the kitchen. Jake, Jay and Chaewon were loitering in the living room with the couple, overly invested in Wonyoung’s stories. It was the first time you had some privacy since the two of them arrived. She was introduced to the others, sparking a conversation soon after, successfully charming them as a result. It was no question she had won them over in a snap of a finger.
“I think she’s great. Really funny and smart,” Yunjin was focused on assembling the lasagna to commit to a sudden discussion about her work friend, her hands were full with bolognese sauce and bechamel, she didn’t have more space for your feelings. “There’s a reason why I set her up with Heeseung, I thought they’d be a match, and I was right. Sorry about Jungwon though, he’s not usually that shy,”
“I figured,” you mumbled, recalling the journey back home consisted of him explaining to you how he didn’t want a relationship since he had freshly broken up with his girlfriend. What was the luck between you and men that weren’t over their exes? At least he bought you some ice cream on the way home, and also accepted your invite to a ‘When Harry Met Sally’ movie night. A new friend gained wasn’t a complete loss. “But seriously, what do you think of them together?”
“I think … it’s alright? Gosh, I don’t know, Y/N. It’s too early to know, I can’t tell if they will or will not work out,” Yunjin gave a truthful answer to your question, but it wasn’t one that you wanted. She narrowed her eyes at you with a tinge of suspicion. “Why?”
“It’s nothing,”
“Don’t start, Y/N,” Yunjin sighed, walking over to the sink to wash the mess on her hands, in preparation to deal with your mess. She popped the lasagna into the oven, a hand propped on her hip, staring at you with an unhappy frown. “You told me nothing happened that night. You said you didn’t want to talk about it. So, why now?”
“Because I realised I am in love with him,”
“Oh,” Yunjin exhaled, blinking robotically at you, losing her grip on her hip. Stunned might be an understatement, a total opposite of a reaction you’d expected from her. Horrified would probably be a better description of how she looked gawking at you, nothing seemed to come from her mouth. “When? When … did you realise?”
“That night at the restaurant. I suppose you’re right all along,” your revelation didn’t help Yunjin’s case either, her jaw significantly dropping more. She hand flew to her temples, rubbing them with creases deepening between her eyebrows. “I thought I was fine, but when I saw him with her, I … felt it in my heart for the first time. Heartbreak. Your plan worked,”
“I didn’t mean to—”
“I know, Jen, I’m not putting the blame on anybody. It’s my fault. Just mine,” you rested your back against the wall, your hand hidden behind your back as it twisted into a fist. “Don’t worry, I’m not going to do anything. If Heeseung’s happy now, it’s fine. You know how unlucky he is with dates,”
The initial frustration worn off entirely, soon replaced with sadness in Yunjin’s eyes, her face slackened, shoulders sagging. She slowly approached you, arms extending towards you. “Y/N—”
You caught onto them, giving her your best smile, thinking it could assure her, but you had a feeling it turned out slanted and half-hearted. On your best days, you could be an award winning actress for pretending you weren’t hurt. This wasn’t one of those days, unfortunately. “Let’s start dinner.”
Lasagna couldn’t cheer you up. Neither could Yunjin’s signature pasta pull a decent smile from you. You blended into the background throughout dinner, offering nothing but several chuckles and nods, keeping your eyes away from your source of demise. There were a few occasions where you felt his eyes lingering on you, it didn’t help that they lasted for more than an appropriate amount of time, pleading for you to respond to him in any way possible. Resisting him was hard.
Safe to say, you survived dinner and the dessert after. You owed it to the many rounds of red wine from the bottle Jake brought. Heeseung left the apartment with Wonyoung to walk her down to her cab, which left the apartment to you and your friends to tidy while also discussing whatever’s gathered in everyone’s minds for the entirety of the night. It was a common debriefing ritual you and your friends had once a new partner was introduced.
“Wonyoung’s amazing,” Jay shared, starting the discussion as he picked up the plates to hand them to Yunjin.
“Are you saying that because you actually think so or it’s because she’s pretty?” Chaewon pointed the dishwand accusingly at Jay, soap flowing down the handle.
“Do you really think I’m that shallow—nevermind, don’t answer that,” he stopped her at the moment she opened her mouth to retort, realising he was never a match for her and her quippishness. “Still, I think she’s wonderful. She can mimic a bird’s cry. How fun is that?”
The others let out a chorus of agreement. Yunjin, in particular, glanced at you warily, visibly distressed and worried about both your mental and physical states. You said nothing, continuing with your task of storing the dishes, which you held back from smashing. Note to self, you needed a better outlet for getting rid of pent up emotions.
“Y/N, are you okay? You’ve been very distant since the start of dinner,” Jake took the plate from your hand to store it on your behalf. He closed the cupboard door, pulled your hand to lead you away and sat you on the couch. You weren’t surprised Jake had caught onto you from the get-go. He was always smart, even emotionally. The rest of your friends soon swarmed the area, waiting for you to pour out your anguish.
“I’m not feeling well, that’s all,” you were running away yet again. Scared, terrified to go anywhere near being vulnerable in front of your closest friends, stripped bare to admit you were in love with one of them while hoping it wouldn’t change anything.
“Y/N,” Yunjin’s tone was hard, stern almost, with a tinge of disappointment as though she couldn’t believe you were trying to escape from your own feelings, something everyone there was familiar with. Your name was spewed out in a way where she was begging you to face the very thing you avoided till you were forced to face. To your dismay, this puts you on the spot with many eyes staring at you in confusion.
“Fine,” that was a response directed to Yunjin, you had your eyes locked with hers before scanning the circle created around you. Each of them were waiting for your next word. It was either this or letting the truth eat you alive. “I’m in love with Heeseung,”
What was expected to be an explosive reaction turned out to be … nothing? Jay, Jake and Chaewon all looked at one another, exchanging glances with Yunjin as well, then every one of their heads spun to focus on you. It felt like there were stage lights shining on you, your friends being the audience, and you, maybe a clown. The seconds stretched on for what seemed like forever as silence ensued.
“We know,” Jay broke the stiff atmosphere. You—mildly confused, whereas understanding and relief washed over your friends. They started laughing, rejoicing and high-fiving each other. If you didn’t know better, you would’ve assumed they won a price instead.
“Should I be shocked that you guys were in on this the whole time?”
“Yunjin and I already told you, didn’t we? We’ve all been waiting for one of you to break,” Chaewon clapped gleefully, her voice going another pitch higher from pure excitement.
“And it had to be me,” you mumbled, the thought of your feelings potentially being one sided was soul crushing. After your friends convinced you that it was mutual, your expectations were sky high, and you were not ready for them to be crushed.
“Heeseung will come around,” Jake threw out a futile assurance. You winced at that, giving him a display of your pained frown.
“He’s seeing someone now—Wonyoung, who you all love. I can’t ruin that, you guys know that,”
“We do,” Yunjin moved from her position to sit next to you, laying her head on your shoulder. You held onto her arm, squeezing it for a silent ‘thank you’ for the times she stuck by you. “No matter what happens, we’ll be here for you,”
There came another chorus of shared support from your friends who huddled around you. Their energy had given you a shred of hope, bringing a smile to your face for the first time in a while that night, a little more positive that nothing would completely change in the dynamics of your friend group. That was once proven as per Yunjin and Chaewon with their confessions of messing around with the other two men in the group.
“Wait,” Jake stood up, interrupting the current emotional mood. The room fell into another round of silence. “I hate to ruin our little moment, but I think Heeseung’s coming,”
The mention of his name caused every one of them to turn to you, panic arising almost in an instant. You could only stare back, downfounded and powerless. It’s not like they could expect you to profess your love to Heeseung just because you disclosed it to them. “What do I do?”
“Talk to him,” Yunjin suggested the obvious solution, not that it helped or made it any better.
“But I’ve been avoiding him!” you forgot about that part, guilt began to crawl into your system at the memories of you evidently dodging him. Everything that went down with the date gave you the heebie-jeebies, how you shunned him, and dropped a lowkey hint of being in love with your best friend, a.k.a., him! It would be impossible for him to not realise your absence. He’s good at catching onto tiny details.
“That’s our cue to leave you and him alone. Just talk! You always talked to him. It’s Heeseung, just Heeseung,” that’s the problem. It’s Heeseung, your best friend. It’s not an everyday activity for someone to come to the conclusion of liking their best friend romantically and profess their love for them.
Chaewon ushered the others to get to their feet, pushing them towards Yunjin’s room as a site of hideout now that it was too late for them to leave. You couldn’t tell if you were hearing the sound of Heeseung’s footsteps approaching or if you were mistaking it for your own heartbeat thundering in your ears. The noises of keys jangling and the door unlocking that followed after were unmistakable.
“Shit, he’s here,” that was what you last heard from Chaewon before she shoved Jay and his nosy-self into the room, slamming the door shut just in time for Heeseung to enter the threshold. He stopped at the sight of you in the middle of an empty apartment, looking at you with a sense of disbelief that it was truly you who was standing in front of him.
“Hi,” you said quietly, arms sticking close to your sides, afraid of moving or taking a step forward. Heeseung placed his keys on the counter, but stayed in his original position by the door.
“Hey,” he began, still not closing the space between you and him. When did it become this awkward to be around him? You felt like an alien who newly landed on Earth, interacting with the first human you came across, the situation was that extreme. It was easy for you to be around Heeseung, but you couldn’t say the same this time. “Where are the others?”
“They went over to yours. Jay needed help on something, I don’t know what it is,” you should be awarded for not crumbling under pressure. The lie flew out of your mouth in a natural manner. Heeseung didn’t suspect it, going along with your white lie.
“How was dinner?”
“It was okay,”
“You were quiet the entire time,”
“I’m not feeling well,”
“Sick?”
“Not in the mood,”
Heeseung slipped his hands into the pockets of his pants, nodding his head silently, lips pressed tightly together. He wasn’t letting any of his reactions show, purposely holding them back. You couldn’t figure out where this was heading, neither did he. “What do you think of Wonyoung?”
There it was. The golden question. You’ve been waiting for it, thinking if you got to steer clear of Heeseung, you’d never have to hear it. Predictions weren’t correct all the time. You knew he would eventually pop the question to you when you’re the only one in the group who has yet to express approval of Wonyoung. It just had to be at this moment.
“She’s alright,”
His nostrils flared, eyebrows twitching out of habit. His patience was wearing thin, the initial annoyance you sensed since he entered the room intensified. “That’s it? That’s all you’ve got to say after weeks of avoiding me? Two word answers?”
“What do you want me to say?”
“The truth!” Heeseung raised his voice, footsteps heavy on the ground as he crossed the room towards you, stopping behind the couch, standing opposite you with it as a barrier in the middle. What his eyes reflected contradicted his anger. Sadness and desperation made up most of them. They searched for yours, seeking for answers and reasons as to why you were acting out of character.
“I don’t think she’s good for you,”
“Why?”
“Just … just because,”
“That’s not an answer, Y/N,”
What other answer could you give that wouldn’t sound like you were the villain in his story trying to break him and his love interest up? Every possible narrative couldn’t and wouldn’t work, not for you anyway.
“I know you,”
“And what do you know about what’s good for me?” Heeseung demanded, the hurt in his voice was evident, punctuating your heart like a stake, beating you down to depths lower than where you already were. “You don’t get to say that,”
“That’s not fair,”
“She’s a good person, Y/N. I think I deserve that at least,”
You swallowed, not expecting the truth to be thrown directly into your face by the person you were scared to hear it from. It was real, your nightmare of losing him due to your mistakes was coming to life right before you, reminding you that you were far too late. “You’re right. You deserve every bit of it, Heeseung,” his name tasted foreign on your tongue, no more nicknames or the hidden love that came with it, just stale integrity. “I wish you nothing but happiness,”
You didn’t try to hide the shakiness in your voice, nor the tears building up that you were doing your best to blink away. The tightness in your throat took away your speech, losing the ability to speak beyond that. You were being selfish, and you were getting punished for that along with your foolishness for your ignorance to your feelings.
“Thank you.” he forced through his teeth with enough finality to know this was the last thing he’d say to you that night. You couldn’t bring yourself to reply, mouth opening for a moment just for nothing to follow through, using most of your willpower to hold your tears back instead. He shook his head, a visible sign of disappointment at you losing the strength to fight for whatever this situation of being more friends but less than lovers was between you and him.
Heeseung took a full look at you for a little longer, his shielded gaze never left your teary one, as though he himself was afraid of letting you go. That was when he knew he had to leave or else he would end up staying like how he always did. He turned his back on you, heading for the door and picking up his copy of the key along the way. There was a few seconds where he stalled at the door, hand on the doorknob, breathing heavily.
Hope wasn’t a powerful tool for you to keep him longer. He was leaving, and there was nothing you could do to stop him, or reverse the pain you’ve caused. Heeseung turned the doorknob and left with the door slamming behind him, leaving you stranded alone to pick up the pieces of your heart. Punching you or hurling insults might’ve hurt less compared to this.
You didn’t register your emotions until the floodgates came pouring down your cheeks, knees becoming weaker as you found yourself losing balance. The entire exchange had wrecked you out of consciousness, unaware of your friends slowly making their way out of Yunjin’s room, listening in on the mess that went down moments ago. The embarrassment doubled, but you were too busy crying to care. You melted into their arms as they surrounded you to console you, and it reminded you of the exact time you cried into their embrace when your first boyfriend in New York broke up with you. Never in a million years you would predict doing the same for one of your best friends.
Almost was never enough. You were a step too late, and a step over the line.
90 days.
That was how long since you’ve last spoken to Heeseung. Back in the day, three hours was the longest gap you went without speaking to him, not three months. Besides the occasional greetings in the hallway or bumping into each other at the coffee shop, neither of you sparked a full conversation. As a result of your fight, it had tremendously affected your friends who became collateral damage in the midst of it. The best way to simplify the dynamic of your friend group at the current moment was them taking turns to hang out with either of you. Pathetic, wasn’t it?
In some sick twisted way to get you out of your slump, Yunjin introduced you to her other, much senior colleague, Jeon Jungkook. If only you weren’t simultaneously so infatuated and heartbroken over your friend, you would’ve had your heart set on him. Unfortunately, that’s not how feelings worked. You were honest about it to Jungkook since your first meeting with him, and being the sweetheart he was, he understood. That didn’t stop you from being friends with him. He was probably the second closest friend you’ve hung out with besides your own friends.
October 31st rolled around, a monumental day for you and your friends who loved the arts of costumes and throwing parties. Yunjin and Chaewon chose to host this year’s Halloween party at your apartment. A special addition to the party was a costume contest, where the winner gets a hundred dollar prize reward. Perhaps Jungkook appeared in your life at the perfect timing.
“Do I have to wear a blond wig for this?” Jungkook held up the wig you got for him reluctantly after he agreed to be the Fred to your Daphne from Scooby Doo.
“It’s too late to go back on your word now,” you tossed him your ginger wig. He wasn’t in on this alone anyway. You left him sulking on the couch to join Yunjin and Chaewon, both of whom were busy preparing in the kitchen.
“Fred and Daphne?” Yunjin laughed at your choice of characters, earning a firm slap on her shoulder from you. You didn’t wrack your brain day and night for nothing, it was a good and safe option to go for in your defense.
“It’s cute. I aim to be the best dressed tonight,”
“Do I have your permission to flirt with your date?” Chaewon slid up next to you, finally daring to ask the question she’s been holding back since forever. You had a feeling she was eyeing him from the moment you confirmed he was just a friend.
“By all means, have a go,”
“Hey, you know Heeseung will be at the party tonight, right? Just a heads up,” Yunjin wasn’t laughing anymore, her tone both serious and solemn. You couldn’t blame her nor your friends for being exhausted of you and Heeseung’s strained friendship, having to adapt to that and a new routine now that you were avoiding each other. “I’m quite sick of this, you know that? You guys are so childish! Instead of saying sorry, you chose to not talk for three months,”
She had a point. You hated that.
“It’s complicated,”
“It’s always been complicated between you and Heeseung. How about this? Make it less complicated and apologise to him first. I still remember you crying and feeling guilty about what went down that night,”
“You didn’t have to call me out directly, I got it,” you grumbled at the memory you cringed at every time Yunjin brought it up as a defence mechanism. Yes, you regretted your behaviour, half remorseful for the things you’ve said, but it wasn’t a common practice for you to apologise first. Whenever you and Heeseung had a fight, it was down to two things: Heeseung apologising first or the both of you sweeping past it. This time, however, both seemed undoable. To muster the courage for you to confront him and apologise, it took time. Maybe a bit too long. “I’ll see what I can do tonight.”
Trying to distract yourself from your anxiety by helping Yunjin and Chaewon serve refreshments dressed in a full Daphne costume was the least effective method to ease stress. With every guest walking past your door, your heart skipped a beat hoping the next one would be him. Your friends’ costumes at the very least got a smile and some laughter out of you. Jay and Jake were dressed as members from the rock band, KISS; Yunjin decided to go all out and paint herself blue as Smurfette, matching blonde wigs with Jungkook; Chaewon, with the assistance of you and Yunjin, stuffed herself into a latex catwoman suit which took almost half-an-hour to get into. It wasn’t a dull Halloween after all.
“Need help?” Jungkook took the platter of refreshments from you, giving you no room to argue. You smiled at him as a wordless ‘thank you’, coming at the right time to save you from any more small talks.
“My Fred in shining armour, or shining blond wig?” you giggled, reaching your hand forward to touch his wig, the coarseness of it proved the reason why it was only three dollars. He swatted at your hand, rolling his eyes at your endless teasing.
“I think I actually look good in it, thank you very much,” he dismissed your snark comment easily, you forgot he had a swollen ego in the first place. He pulled onto your arm, urging you to follow him as he served refreshments on your behalf. “You’re waiting for him, aren’t you?”
“What?”
“Don’t pretend. I see the sadness in your eyes, Y/N,” Jungkook had talents of looking through your bullshit on par with Yunjin. There was no point fighting what was true, you chose to silently nod. “Speak to him tonight, please, for your sake, for his and your friends’ sake. Even for me! You’ve been keeping that apology in you for months, it’s time for you to tell him,”
“Is it really a good time to do so?”
“There’s never a perfect time. It’s now or never. I know it’s been eating you up, Y/N. Do this for yourself,”
You considered Jungkook’s advice deeply. He wasn’t wrong, he never was, it came with his perfect traits. You were quite frankly done with running away, even if you were chasing pavements, an apology wouldn’t hurt to settle the troubles in your heart, it might even help you take another step from the position you were stuck in. You patted his shoulder in earnest appreciation. Jungkook could just cement his place to be your crime solving buddy, or in this context, a problem solving buddy.
“Care for a drink?” Chaewon swept in at the right moment with a couple glasses of homemade martinis. It was your cue to leave, not without one of her signature martini though. You took one last look at your two friends, knowing Chaewon would soon work her magic on an oblivious Jungkook, then you made your way to the balcony, in dire need of some air and time alone.
You listened to the sound of New York traffic, taking small sips from your martini, overlooking the skyline of the city. The part which stings the most was coming to the realisation that you and Heeseung would often occupy this exact spot any time a party was thrown at your apartment. Whenever the space got stuffy and too many guests were present, the two of you would run to the balcony, have a few cigarettes, drink, and talk. You wouldn’t notice the party had ended by the time you and him were done with your hide out. Now, there was another party that you’ve successfully escaped, except he wasn’t beside you like how it was supposed to be.
“Missing trick or treat?”
Your blood nearly ran cold at the voice coming from behind you. One hand holding tightly onto your glass, the other gripping onto the ledge of the balcony in case your legs failed you. You didn’t need to confirm the owner of the voice, having heard it for just about every day for years on end.
“I think I’m too old for that now,” you felt the familiar warmth belonging to the only person you’ve dreaded all night joining your side, a safe distance was still maintained between you and him.
“You’re never too old for anything,”
“Touche,” you looked over at Heeseung, stifling your laughter when you saw his costume. A classic black tuxedo paired with a bow tie around his neck, hair slicked back, a sleek metallic watch around his wrist, a ridiculously looking toy gun as a prop in his hand. You would be lying to yourself if you didn’t admit how handsome he was despite being in costume. “James Bond. You weren’t kidding when you said that’s your costume this year,”
“I was never kidding,”
“I’m guessing Sean Connery’s James Bond?”
“One and only,” he stood up straight to display the excellence of his costume, giving you a playful 180 look just so you could see the entirety of his suit, at last posing with the gun as a cherry on top. It was impossible not to laugh when he’s trying this hard to get into character. “You think Daphne can assist James Bond in solving crimes?”
“I think Daphne’s going to stick to solving mysteries, not track down criminals or assassins,”
“I saw Fred inside. Your date, I assume,”
“My friend,” you corrected consciously, noting the mild hostility when he mentioned Jungkook. You simply couldn’t fathom the idea of Heeseung being threatened by another man.
“You’ve been hanging with him a lot,”
“What is it to you?” you snapped, harsher than you intended to, immediately feeling guilty. You couldn’t shake off the sense that he’s trying to get back at you in some unexplainable way.
“Nothing,” you knew he was lying, seeing him clenching his jaw right after saying that had given him away. Time and time again, he underestimated how well you understood him and his little quirks.
“Where’s your date then, Bond? Where’s the famous Bond girl? ”
Heeseung stared off into the city, a quiet but audible sigh leaving his lips before he said anything. Clearly, there was trouble in paradise. You wanted to take your words back, worried it might’ve crossed another line, but he beat you to it with an answer. “She’s at her place,”
He didn’t expand beyond that simple reasoning, making it much more suspicious than it should be. You didn’t pry, and accepted it with a nod. You assumed she wasn’t a big fan of parties, or at least Halloween, not that you would judge. You let the silence sit longer than it’s supposed to, the traffic in the background filling the gaps in between. It was now or never, before the damage became irreversible.
“I’m sorry for that night. I was out of line. I do think she’s brilliant, and I want you to be happy,” you turned to look at him, but as always, he was already staring at you in the first place. The martini was no help in suppressing your emotions. If anything, it was amplifying them. You could feel tears welling up at the edge of your eyes. “I mean it. I hate that we’re not talking, and I hate the thought of losing you more,”
Heeseung wet his lips, hanging his head, chest rising and falling erratically. He glanced up after a pause, nodding slowly, a tight-lipped smile appearing. “Thank you,” he meant it this time, genuine, but also stiff and restricted. “You’re never going to lose me, Y/N,”
“Truce?”
“Truce,” he drank out of his glass of martini, returning his attention back to the view of the city, but you kept yours on him, not that he mind. “Here we are again, bailing on a party,”
“Some things never change, do they?” you smiled, yet it didn’t reach your eyes entirely, the sadness in your face bled into every part of your body, all of which went unnoticed by Heeseung. Although you were done setting the argument aside, the apology getting accepted didn’t smoothen the roughness to you and Heeseung’s relationship. Some lingering tension still remained unaddressed. You could feel it, you doubted if Heeseung didn’t. “Should we head in? They’re announcing the winners of the contest.”
It wasn’t the right time to talk about it. You didn’t know if there ever was one.
You and Jungkook ended up missing first prize by a large margin, getting just a box of chocolate as a consolation prize. On the bright side, Jay and Jake won the night’s best costume, earning a hundred dollars which you would undoubtedly convince them to spend on you. The night came to an end at around midnight. Even though all of your friends were exhausted, they stayed to clean as usual, cracking open another round of beers as a side reward.
You were too busy sending Jungkook off by the door to realise a pair of eyes staring pointedly at you from a distance. As Heeseung collected the bottles and cups from the living room area, his gaze followed your every movement around Jungkook, a cup nearly fell out of his hand at some point watching you hug him. He walked over to Chaewon, dropping the volume of his voice. “Are they really just friends?”
“If they weren’t ‘just friends’—” Chaewon made a motion with her hands, “would she have allowed me to flirt with him all night?” she blinked blankly at Heeseung, who had furrowed eyebrows that were twitching slightly. “God, you guys are so annoying, and frustratingly stupid. Why must I be subjected to this?” she threw her hands up in defeat, hypothetically waving a white flag in surrender. Sparing him no more chance to speak, she walked away just in time for you to return from your farewell to your beloved Fred.
“What’s up with her?” you mumbled as Chaewon stormed past you, grumbling somewhere along the lines of ‘misunderstandings’ and ‘get together already’. You took the bag filled with trash from Heeseung, handed it to Jay—still in his black and white face paint—for him to throw out. The apartment was mostly clean, lacking a bit of deep cleaning that you’d get to the next day. For now, you were content with your friends’ company and a cold bottle of beer.
“You know, I think I owe you an apology too,” it was only you and Heeseung at the kitchen table, you weren’t expecting another apologetic conversation to happen over some beer, but you didn’t complain. “I shouldn’t have stopped talking to you. I was angry and scared. I’m sorry,” he took a swig of his beer, his other hand was knocking on the wooden table. “And I’m sorry I wasn’t there for your mum’s birthday,”
One sacred secret you and Heeseung kept hidden from your other friends was this. It started with you inviting Heeseung to your hometown for a family event as your plus one. Looking back at it now, it was far more intimate compared to what you made it out to be. Not even every person would bring their partners to meet their family. Your family absolutely loved him, insisting on him to join them for every family occasion there was. Since then, he has been there for most birthdays.
In turn, it would only be fair if you got introduced to his family. Hence, he brought you to meet his family soon after he met yours, continuing on the tradition of joining each others’ family occasions. You were at his parents’ birthdays, and he was there for yours. It was your thing with Heeseung for years until he broke the streak in the months of you not speaking. You still remembered your mother asking for him, just for you to create a lame excuse of him being busy with work, having no courage to tell them the truth.
“You’re forgiven,” you clinked his beer bottle with yours, the sharp sound made the brief quietness which followed after less painful. “I guess we’re both equally at fault here,”
“I guess we are,” he fidgeted with his bottle, never letting his gaze falter from you for a second, as though he was making up for the moments he missed. “Your mum still wants me around, right?”
“Oh please, she was wondering where you were. You’re very missed,”
“I’m glad to hear,”
“And I’m not glad to have stroked your ego,”
You and him burst out laughing, clinking your bottles once more and taking a swift gulp out of it. Both of you sighed together in satisfaction from the taste of cold beer on your tongues, eliciting scattered giggles at that phenomenon. You never realised how much you’ve missed him. Forget about love and your feelings, you missed having him around as a friend. It hurts more deeply than you thought having someone from your everyday life disappear in an instant.
Before you could dwell on such melancholic thoughts, the rest of your friends came flooding around the table, forcing open the fridge to bring more bottles out. You met Yunjin’s eyes, a knowing look on her face told you she was highly aware of you and Heeseung’s ‘little moment’ alone. Of course, you wouldn’t doubt her, she was known to be a surveillance camera that scans through the entire premise. You gave her a nod, and that was a sufficient message for her to understand all was well.
“Who’s ready to drink?”
Yunjin’s definition of a ‘fun Saturday night’ was the complete opposite of what you had in mind.
You had a feeling you were an old woman in your past life for thinking a night in with some pizza, snacks, and board games would satisfy the criteria of a ‘fun Saturday’. However, your friends didn’t share the same idea. That was why you were all dressed up, sitting by the bar counter with no intentions to drink while Yunjin and Chaewon were busy downing shots after shots. Call you a buzz kill, but you weren’t stumbling out drunk. You were happy with your virgin mojito.
“What do you think the boys are doing tonight?” Yunjin was still admirably sober in spite of the amount of alcohol she consumed. She and her high alcohol tolerance should be investigated.
“Watching TV,” you assumed, mostly based on how you last saw them huddled in Heeseung and Jay’s apartment, tuning into another episode of ‘Seinfeld’ before all of you left for the bar.
“Oh, really? Then why do I see them approaching us,” Chaewon had a better angle of the door given her seating position. At that, you and Yunjin whipped your heads towards the door, disbelief fueling your system. When you told them of your plans, you weren’t expecting them to crash it.
“They really have to stop following us to girls’ night,” Yunjin groaned, returning a wave to Jake begrudgingly. It wasn’t the first time they appeared at girls’ night. You’d think they wouldn’t do it again, but clearly, it was your fault for thinking that way.
“No invite?” Jay made a weeping expression, trying his best to wedge himself in between Chaewon and Yunjin, resulting in them pushing him away.
“Are you guys eligible for girls’ night?” Chaewon deadpanned, sighing aloud.
“If you remove all the testosterone from our bodies, then maybe,” Heeseung slid into the seat next to yours, making himself comfortable as he actively ignored your disapproving gaze.
You switched your focus onto him, letting the others’ bickering fade into the background. He swiftly ordered his usual drink, gin on rocks, then looked at you, cocking an eyebrow with some extent of expectation that you’d start questioning him endlessly. Well, he was right.
“You don’t like coming out to bars unless something has happened. Tell me, which one of you got your heart broken?”
Heeseung laughed, realising you had a point. There was a reason why the both of you could click easily. You and him shared equal dislike for loud and crowded places, finding them overwhelming. “I did,”
“What?”
“I ended it with Wonyoung. Not that it had a label in the first place, but … I just thought it was time to stop,” out of everything you prepared yourself mentally to hear, this piece of information was the last you thought to receive. “It was amicable, don’t worry,”
“But why?”
“We don’t click. That’s it. I thought we did, but I was wrong,” he shrugged, thanking the bartender for the drink, wasting no time in taking a sip of it. “My heart wasn’t there. I think I left it some place else,” he left his heart with you, in the form of a chain which sat around your neck, tucked beneath your blouse.
“So the first thing you thought of was to come here and drink?”
“Wasn’t my idea. Jay insisted on coming after he heard about your plan,”
“That is very on brand of him,” you snorted, expecting nothing less of Jay for wrecking havoc whenever he had the chance to. “Are you doing okay?”
“I’m fine. I expected it at some point, so I suppose it hurts less this way,” Heeseung’s lack of expression made it hard to decipher what he was thinking, forcing you to guess while also treading carefully in unknown territory. “You’re right all along,” you didn’t reply, and waited for him to continue, a part of you cringed at the thought of the incident. Turns out, the projection of your jealousy wasn’t entirely wrong. “I knew we couldn’t work out when she said she didn’t like you guys—don’t be mad—except for Yunjin, I guess? How can I have someone who can’t stand my friends?”
“And to think we were actually rooting for her,” you were disappointed, but not surprised. There was always a feeling in your gut about Wonyoung regardless of your spiteful claim. You hated to be proven right in this context. At the same time, you’d also be lying if you said it didn’t provide some sense of satisfaction to you.
“What doesn’t kill you make you stronger,”
“Cheers to that,” you held up your glass, to which Heeseung gladly clinked. You shot him a quick smile before sipping your mocktail, looking at him with a little too much emotion in your eyes which you couldn’t contain. If you didn’t know better, they might’ve come off as heart eyes. You made sure to glance away for a hot minute when Heeseung put down his glass, he mustn’t see you in your weakest state.
“Look, I need a quick trip to the restroom. Wait for me. Maybe or maybe not, we can dip to get some of our favourite late night snacks,”
“Abandoning our friends? That’s evil,” you whispered, so that the others wouldn’t hear. Judging from their chaotic talking and continuous drinking, you doubted they would notice for even a bit. “I’m down,”
“Give me five minutes.”
Your eyes followed him into the crowd until he disappeared around the corner. Up till that moment, you were finally able to breathe more comfortably, feeling partially restrained by the unusual tension wedged in your dynamic with Heeseung. Although your friendship with him was mostly recovered, you still couldn’t shake off some persisting tension. It was sticking out like a sore thumb. The rest of the group were busy with their ongoing drinking game, dumping the two of you aside from the get-go, so you sat peeking over Yunjin’s shoulder to watch them play, minding your business with your drink in hand.
“Can I buy you a drink?”
So much for minding your own business. You turned at the sound of a stranger’s voice along with a tap on your shoulder, soon met with the face belonging to a handsomely charming man. As far as looks could get him, occupying a seat which was visibly taken based on the drink in its position on the counter wasn’t a good first impression. For the sake of courtesy, you offered a smile.
“Sorry, but the seat’s taken,” it was an indirect ‘no’, the nicest way you could put it without being harsh. Sparing him some embarrassment on his part was humane in your opinion, but apparently, rejection wasn’t an answer this man was willing to accept. The second you saw a switch in the way his face was screwed into, you peacefully realised trouble was imminent.
“I’m just trying to be nice, miss. I think a drink isn’t that big of a problem, no?”
“I appreciate it, but I’m not interested in accepting,”
“Really, one drink, that’s all,”
You were starting to cower in fear, gradually shrinking into your seat. “Sorry, no,”
“What’s going on?” Yunjin slurred behind you, the effects of alcohol evidently caught up to her. The activities happening within your circle of friends had halted at the minor commotion between you and this man who wouldn’t leave you alone. You and all of your friends had gotten to your feet in caution. They. in particular, were instantly poised for action if physical extraction was necessary.
“This guy wouldn’t go away,”
The man scoffed, removing himself off the high stool to stand on all ten toes as well. “I’m trying to get to know your friend. I’m offering to buy her a drink,”
“Hey man, she said ‘no’,” Heeseung couldn’t have chosen a better time to return. Without a single question asked, he was the first to leap into action. He instinctively put himself between you and the man, which unintentionally fueled the situation as it did nothing but agitated the man more. The man stepped closer to Heeseung, sizing him up as if it would successfully intimidate him. Heeseung didn’t like that at all, the mild twitch in his jaw gave his annoyance away. He held out his hand to put a distance between them. “Back off, dude,”
“And who are you?”
Heeseung’s attempt at mediating the escalating situation wasn’t looking very bright. He didn’t answer—totally the wrong move—so, the man continued closing in on him. You came to the conclusion that the man was purposefully making things worse by ticking Heeseung off. And he had indeed fallen into the trap before you could warn him. He was left with no other choices but to push the man on his shoulder in order for the man to fall back. “It’s none of your business. You should leave,”
While still standing behind Heeseung, you pulled at his sleeves, trying to get his attention even though you sensed his anger rising, and there was a high chance he couldn’t hear you past it. “Heeseung, I think we should go—”
“So, you’re protecting this bitch—”
A fist collided with the man’s cheek in a blur. Heeseung undeniably saw red, every ounce of rationality flew out of the window. The scene drew gasps from everyone in the vicinity, including you and your friends. Stunned was an understatement. Heeseung was known to be the calmest amongst the group, being the poster boy for thinking before acting. That was until now.
“Heeseung!”
The man recovered rather quickly from both the pain and the surprise. Just when you wanted to pull Heeseung away, another punch landed, except it was on Heeseung this time. This was surely his ticking point, because he quite literally slipped from your grasp, returning a punch to the man. You were watching in horror as the prior dispute somehow evolved into a fist fight. You wanted a boring night, this was miles off what ‘boring’ would be defined as.
Everything around you faded, your ears were muffled, you weren’t even aware of Yunjin and Chaewon dragging you to the side while Jay and Jake ran to pull Heeseung off of the man. The situation had become out of control. Staff and some customers came to help, managing to separate the two men from each other, both bloody and bruised. The fortunate part about this mess consisted of two things: nobody else was hurt, and nothing got destroyed. The unfortunate part was probably getting kicked out and banned, then having to end your night in the emergency room.
Heeseung suffered not only a split lip that had to be stitched, but also a boxer’s fracture discovered through an X-ray scan. His left hand was wrapped in an ulnar gutter splint—some medical term you recalled the doctor mentioning—immobilising specifically his pinky and ring finger, which meant he was totally inconvenienced by not being able to use his non-dominant hand for several weeks. You wished to laugh in his face for the consequences he brought upon himself. In spite of the thought of taunting him, you were far from being in the mood to do so.
Standing by the medical bed with him sitting on the edge, his injured hand elevated on a pillow, you scowled, not having said a word since you arrived. Every one of your friends had returned home after Heeseung insisted he was fine in your care. In retrospect, he should be thankful you weren’t currently choking him for his careless actions. Instead, he was suffering from both his injuries and your angered silent treatment as the two of you waited for discharge paperworks.
“I’m sorry,” Heeseung, at last, decided to be the one to break the icy silence formed rigidly in the room. A sharp inhalation of breath was your response for the next following moments, head shaking in what could be described as either disappointment or disapproval, you couldn’t figure which would be the most fitting for your current thoughts.
“‘Sorry’? What were you thinking? You were reckless, and incredibly thoughtless about your own safety,” you snapped, fear seeping through the anger you used to conceal your true emotions, the tremor of your hand might just be a telltale sign.
“I wanted to protect you!”
“I didn’t need protection!” you took half a step forward, Heeseung barely budged, keeping himself steady and overall composed. “You could’ve gotten more hurt than you already are right now,”
“But I didn’t,”
“That’s because people intervened before it got worse, smartass. You should be thankful the charges were dropped because the bartender backed you up,” you rubbed at your temple, pacing back and forth. His stubbornness was clashing with yours, making things ten times more difficult than it already was. You were able to understand why the last time the both of you fought had ended in neither of you speaking to each other again. “I didn’t want you to get hurt,”
“Who are you to get a say in that?”
You glowered at him, having the inability to form a logical answer to his response without the emotional side of you spilling all over. Sure, you could go with the reason of you being his dear best friend who was afraid to see him putting himself in danger, or you could go for the option of being silent and not utter those seven letters admitting you’re friends, because the last thing you’d like to touch upon in that emergency room was your feelings for him. It was a sensitive subject.
“Excuse me?” out of all the possible times to appear, the nurse had to pick the one where you and Heeseung were in the middle of another altercation. Another not assuring point to note was the nurse awkwardly handing you the paperwork to sign, looking thoroughly uncomfortable and very much aware of what was going down moments before she entered. Great, you took your chances to sign the discharge paperwork and stormed out at the last flick of your signature, your frustration blinding you the entire way to the front of the hospital.
You gasped for air, the stuffiness inside the emergency room restricted your airways, in addition, the whole exchange with Heeseung only pressed harder onto your lungs. Watching cars come and go, patients arriving and leaving, you felt helpless for the first time in a while, consumed by your fear that was creeping up on you without your knowledge. You stood there, alone and confused, no one to come to your aid.
“Y/N,” you registered Heeseung’s voice, only you were a moment’s short of a reaction as he grabbed a hold of your wrist, tugging onto your arm to turn you around. You didn’t push him away. An arm in a cast, physically dishevelled, panting and out of breath from chasing you, Heeseung wasn’t backing down without a fight, one that he hoped wouldn’t land him in the hospital once more. “Answer me. What am I to you?”
“What?”
“What am I to you?”
“You’re my friend,”
“Bullshit,”
“My best friend,”
“Bullshit!” he snarled, spewing the word through clenched teeth, unable to contain his rage nor keep his voice from rising. His grip on you remained firm, contrasting the waver of emotions seen in his eyes. “Is this really what you think about me—about us? Because I don’t believe you,”
“Then what do you think about us?”
“Don’t turn this on me,”
“You’re the one who got a girlfriend first then suddenly dropped this out of nowhere! Not to mention, right after breaking up with her,”
“That’s because I wished she were you,” this was enough to shut you up, rendering you speechless, all vocabulary seemed to escape your brain, not that there were any appropriate ones to use at that moment. “I thought being with someone else would erase what I felt for you. It seemed to have worked for a short while, until I realised that’s not how it works, and I was thinking about you the whole time,” he paused, but you didn’t know if it was for you to take it in or for himself to not crumble. “You said you knew me, but clearly not enough to tell that I’m in love with you, and I’ve always been in love with you,”
His confession had taken a toll on him, every last bit of strength he saved since running after you was slowly depleting. You felt him letting go of your arm, sighing deeply, the sound of your heartbeats filled the cold night air. Heeseung stared back at you weakly, pleading for you to break the silence on your end. You were a fool, a self-sabotaging lunatic who was ruining yourself at the thought of him falling for someone else in the first place, just to back away out of fear when he admitted his feelings to you directly. When were you going to stop running away?
“We can either leave here like how we were before, pretend nothing happened, or we can leave knowing the truth,” Heeseung had thrown the ball into your court, rightfully giving you your turn to speak your truth or forever hold your peace. Your hands were balled into fists at each side, nails digging crescent moons into your palm, the cooling breeze did nothing to help the heat travelling up your entire body.
“God damn it, Heeseung, I love you,” you bursted at the seams, the only secret you’ve kept to yourself was freed, pouring out of you like a gushing fountain. “I love you, and I’m in love with you too,” The months you’ve spent dwelled on this—your love for your best friend of several years—hadn’t prepared you to face it head on, because you were definitely holding in every ounce of tears amassed over that era of your life. “I was scared—I am scared, that if I ever told you how I really feel, I’d lose you, and everything we built would be gone,”
You shifted on your two feet, never once did you dare to look away from Heeseung, still petrified that whatever left your mouth would ruin the friendship that had already been over since you discovered your feelings for him. “I tried convincing myself we were nothing but friends, until I couldn’t anymore, and it hurts. It really did when I saw you with someone else, that’s when I thought I had lost you,”
“You never lost me, you never would’ve lost me,” Heeseung took your trembling hand into his, intertwining his fingers with yours. Something you’ve done countless times suddenly felt more intimate than it should be. Given the proximity and the vulnerable confessions, everything significantly changed, realising there was no point of return. “You were always a part of me,”
“Tell me this is real, that whatever I’ve felt between us has always been real,” you searched for his eyes, for some sort of confirmation to your fears which persisted in haunting you. He squeezed your hand, putting on a smile just for you, the edge of his eyes crinkled a little.
“It is real, more than you can ever comprehend. You complete me.”
Heeseung never gave you a chance to speak this time. He chose to be selfish. Once you’ve come to wrap your scrambled mind around his words, he has freed his hand from your grasp, pulling you in with that hand now placed on your cheek, lips colliding onto yours.
Everything felt right. How you moved against each others’ lips, rough and passionate, barely holding yourselves back after months, or rather years of built up tension and silent confessions pushed down for the sake of keeping your friendship safe. That could all be forgotten now. The idea of a friendship flew out of your mind when you melted into his touch. His calloused palm cradled the side of your side face, moving it to a certain angle just so he could deepen the kiss.
The amount of kiss scenes you’ve indulged from watching too many rom-coms would never have prepared yourself for this. Ever. Kissing Heeseung was different, he was different. It was sweet, gentle, and too familiar, as though kissing him was a second instinct of yours, almost like a birthright. You were experiencing every butterfly, every spark, every bit of nervousness that you’d normally get whenever his gaze lingered a minute too long, where his hands would brush against yours, or those times he would look at you in a group full of people. You were always the center of his world, you just never brought yourself to notice.
The both of you gradually pulled away after what seemed like an eternity trapped in heaven, but not completely apart, still resisting to separate, chasing each others’ lips with a hunger to appease. In the end, you settled to rest your forehead against his, noses close to touching, breaths fanning one anothers’ lips. Neither of you spoke for a while, basking in the ambience, all while you held onto him, and he held onto you closer.
“Does that mean our friendship is ruined now?” you whispered faintly, grinning widely and giddy from the aftermath of your kiss.
“I think it’s been ruined for a long time,” Heeseung’s thumb caressed the expanse of your cheek, moving away to press a soft kiss on your temple. “And I don’t regret any part of it,” he shook his head, gaze boring into yours with no intention to ever leave. “Except I didn’t get to kiss you sooner,”
There he was, classic Heeseung with his smart mouth, trying to win you completely by pulling out the methods he used on ladies for them swoon over him. You punched his shoulder, scoffing at him and that smug smile on his stupidly charming face. “Then kiss me again.”
You didn’t need to tell Heeseung twice before he swooped in to connect his lips with yours for a second time that night. Sparks flew, electricity coursed through your veins, it felt like you were kissed by him for the first time all over again. Holding onto each other, none of you dared to let go, terrified this moment would suddenly disappear and fade into nothingness. But it was never meant to be fleeting nor short-lived, instead, merely a goodbye to this ending, welcoming a new beginning.
In the middle of New York City, standing right in front of a hospital, you were kissing a man you’ve fallen in love with, your best friend who got himself injured just for your sake. If anything, you’d consider this to be a better plot than any of your favourite movies. The story of how you and Heeseung fell in love might be competing for the position of ‘When Harry Met Sally’ in your life.
The festive season in the city was an absolute dream.
You got to go Christmas shopping, visit coffee shops for a sizzling cup of hot chocolate, and head to a few rounds of ice skating just so you could prove to everyone you wouldn’t fall. It was your favourite time of the year. This time was no different from the other years you spent in New York. Staying in on a cold day, wrapped in layers of clothing, preparing for the annual Christmas dinner followed by an after party you and your friends threw as a tradition, everything about the holiday was perfect. The only contrast to other years was the label to you and Heeseung’s relationship.
That’s right. You and Heeseung were no longer friends, you and him had become a couple. It took five years and six months for the both of you to reach this stage in life. After a total of over a hundred failed dates, two boyfriends, and three girlfriends plus three unofficial-no-label partners over the course of these five years, you and him finally learnt there was no point in finding love elsewhere, when it’s been next to you the entire time. Maybe you had to spend a long time to learn that, but a lesson was still a lesson at the end of the day.
“You guys are disgusting,” Chaewon could only roll her eyes and shake her head at the sight of Heeseung giving you a peck on the lips. She couldn’t bring herself to complain as she was one of the members to ride the train of bringing you and Heeseung together. Despite her funny little digs, she would be smiling watching the both of you severely struck by the love bug.
“It’s Christmas, cheer up,” you nudged her with your elbow, holding carefully onto the freshly baked lasagna. The last, grandest piece of the Christmas dinner presented on your kitchen table. You should bear in mind to hire caterers next year, the exhaustion was indescribable.
“If only Santa could wrap a capable man for me this Christmas, and gift him to me,” Chaewon grumbled, falling into one of the chairs with a loud sigh. The smell of cooked food had attracted flies in the form of men into the dining area. Jay and Jake soon came rushing in to snatch a seat at the table, fighting over who would be the one to hog the turkey leg.
“Am I not a part of this fight anymore?” Heeseung slid into the chair next to you, seemingly offended that he was excluded from the traditional turkey discourse. You, Yunjin, and Chaewon snickered at the silliness of their behaviour, a common happening you and your friends were desensitized to.
“You have a girlfriend, Heeseung, the least you can do is leave the turkey leg to us,” Jake pointed a finger at Heeseung, earning a disgruntled grunt of agreement from Jay. Heeseung shrugged, knowing they weren’t wrong, contentedly throwing an arm around you, while also smugly grinning at the two men. You rolled your eyes, but didn’t brush his touch away either.
With a clap of your hands, you announced the start of the dinner. “Eat up, everyone. Before the guests start coming.”
Hours later, you and Yunjin’s apartment was congested with friends and families, nothing you’ve never experienced before, you just forgot how overwhelming it was at some point. The music you put on the background was effectively drowned out due to scattered loud chatters, your friends were dispersed all over the apartment as well. You were at least happy to see the condiment platters being savagely cleared thanks to certain hungry individuals (most likely Jay). Seeing your hard work enjoyed by others was somewhat fulfilling, but you had a feeling it was the festive mood speaking on your behalf.
“Hey,” Heeseung appeared by your side as you replenished the platters, helping you to take them to the table. You followed him with empty hands.
“Hi,” your hands weren’t so empty anymore when he grabbed them immediately after, pulling you along with him, squeezing through groups of people. He stopped directly next to the stereo in the corner, away from the crowd, just the two of you keeping each other company. He turned the volume higher, barely loud enough to overpower the sound of people’s voices, but just right for you to listen. George Benson’s ‘Nothing’s Gonna Change My Love for You’ began playing.
“You’re tired,” he stated, bringing both your hands over his shoulders, resting them comfortably there, his own placed on your waist. You let him lead, body naturally swaying to the lazy rhythm of the music, slow dancing in this tiny corner while others were occupied. It was you and him in your own world, nobody else would come to disturb or ruin your moment together.
“It’s always exhausting when it comes to throwing parties. I think we should have a vacation for the next holiday, escape all of this,”
“Where would you like to go?”
You pondered for a while, speaking off the top of your head. “I’m thinking the Bahamas,”
“You really love the beach, don’t you?”
“Only if you’re there picking seashells with me,” you pressed a long kiss by the edge of his mouth, taking in the smile that instantly appeared on his face, a look of love and adoration was written all over him. He was a man who stood at the top of the world regardless of what he wanted or wished to achieve.
“I’ll gladly collect every seashell on the beach if it meant getting to spend time with you,” he hummed, squeezing your waist playfully just to hear you laugh at the tickling sensation. You slapped at his chest, a few more laughter lingered from either one of you, George Benson in the background being replaced by ‘With or Without You’ by U2. Heeseung glanced up briefly, a grin slowly formed, and you understood it was a sign of mischief. He was up to no good. “Uh oh, mistletoe alert,”
Following his actions, you tilted your head back, spotting a mistletoe hanging above your head. You didn’t know whether to be annoyed, impressed, or amused. Perhaps you were all. “You planted it there, didn’t you?”
Heeseung feigned ignorance, raising both shoulders with a devious smirk. He was a hundred percent guilty. “Maybe I did, maybe I didn’t,”
You stared at him, still moving to the music playing, saying nothing, only letting your eyes wander every feature on his face. From his large deer-like eyes, to the slope of his nose, down to the pout of his lips, those were the features that welcomed you to the city on your first day, ones which you admired many times. Now, they would one day be passed down onto your children. Heeseung was the man you loved, and nothing would ever change that.
“I love you,”
It wasn’t the first time Heeseung heard those three sacred words coming from you. In fact, he heard it day in, day out, you made sure he wouldn’t forget it, and he never once got sick of listening to your voice, listening to you express your love to him like it hadn’t been done before. He removed his hands from your waist, choosing to settle them on either side of your cheeks. “I love you too.”
Under the mistletoe, Heeseung kissed you like it was his very first time doing so. You forgot about the people, the music, the cold, and quite frankly, the presents waiting for you. All that mattered to you was having your best friend, your forever partner, in your arms, holding onto you with such gentleness it could almost be compared to the snow falling outside your window.
Moving to New York City was the best choice you’ve made for yourself. You found your identity, a good job, an amazing group of friends, and a forever person to spend the rest of your life with. The advice you’d give to someone who’s new to the city would probably be: one, get to know your neighbour; two, accept the pizza your neighbour offers, then wait for whatever that comes next and go along with wherever the wind blows. Remember, it’s always good to ruin the friendship too.
heeseung’s friends fic will be out next saturday </3 sorry bbgs, i didn’t think editing and proofreading 70 pages would take me the whole day 😭 but i promise the fic will be out next saturday. drop a comment if you’d like to be added to the tag list. muah x
i miss u girl 😭 u were my top author to read from back in 2023 when i was going through this breakup, and ur fanfics have helped me cope sm for realz 😞 hope you're well and safe! 🥰
awh 😭 don’t make me cry!!!!! i swear i’ll be back soon, life and college have been whooping me in the ass! but please!!! i hope you’re doing better now compared to 2023, sorry about your break up. i’m glad that my fics helped in some way 😭😭 ugh i do wish i can churn out fics like how i used to in 2023. thank you btw! hope you’re doing good too! love u!
