Some Things In This Life...
Some things in this Life will never make sense to me…whether it be through acceptance or denial.
It’s almost half past midnight, and I’m sitting on my couch pondering what went wrong. Just like almost every night for the past 7…8 months. I stopped counting the days where nothing seemed to make sense any more. Lost and oblivious to time in my own consummation of suffering and disappointment.
A “single parent” is such a label that almost is definitive of a certain failure that’s been exploited time and time again. Many of my friends have gone through it. Many of my family members are still going through it. But regardless of how many stories of failed relationships I’ve sat through or acknowledged, my pride of being a parent, and more specifically, a Father, surpasses any one that has claimed to love their child like I LOVE my son.
With that said, I question myself every morning and every night and every time my mind stays idle as to “why?” …Why doesn’t things just work out the way they should? How far is one willing to go in losing their mind in order to find a peace of mind in the all-to-familiar question “Why can’t we just work things out?” Why do things have to be more complicated than they should? Why can’t we love each other unconditionally and truthfully like we did in the beginning?
And then, to have a child. A blessing that God has given us as a symbol of our devoted Love through all the struggles that we ever had before we were given this gift. We took all that away from each other and now we have to “share time” watching our son grow up in front of us because we were too damn selfish and immature to work things out that we defaced that “Love” that brought us this child in the first place. What sense does that make? A loving parent sees through the faults and the pain eventually, but a loving person does not give up on their Family no matter how bad they hit rock bottom. THAT is divine Love.
My heart is crushed because as we both know, Time itself can never take back time that was lost. And now we’re paying for the consequences of losing time where we should be spending it seeing our Family persevere through the hardships that are supposed to make it stronger. That, plus, like I said we are ultimately paying the heavy price of losing time in seeing our kid grow up. How selfish are we? To have to acknowledge that we weren’t together as a family for the holidays and that we continue to let our own pride keep our heart calloused from spending time together when ultimately all we wanted this whole time was to be with each other. All bullshit aside. And if that’s not true…then you’ve made a fool of us both this whole time from the moment I looked into your eyes at the movie theater and I knew I was destined to spend the rest of my Life with you. Through the bad and the good.
I feel torn by just the thought of our kid waking up and not seeing mom or not seeing dad and him wondering, “why haven’t I seen my mom or dad in a few days - I miss mom. I miss dad. Why aren’t they together?” How awful must that feeling be for a 2 year old if their thought process goes through that extent…
I’m so sorry Jeremiah. I’m sorry baby boy. I feel like I failed you and your mother…I feel like it’s all my fault when I know that we both share faults that we essentially had every control over but we have not progressed for one reason or another. I tell myself from time to time, that I regret being put in this position…I’m not deserving to be called a “Dad” or a “Parent” because of that feeling of failure for the one thing that I told myself long ago that I would be the best at in being a “Family-type-of-guy”. That guilt eats at me…every second..probably for the rest of my Life.
And if you ever get around in reading this, I apologize that I wasn’t a better person to you even after every hurt we put each other through. My heart was never made of gold..but in the time that we spent, I had every intention to make sure it was worth more than anything we could ever afford to lose. Even if it meant our Family. With that said, I continue to pray every day in hope that God leads me to what was meant for me to accomplish with the time I’m graced with. I just wish you were here with me. All of you and only you.
#ToInfinity #ForeverAndADay
