My Inner Thoughts

I like to write fictional stories and compose my own songs so...yeah

[jaysonicfactor]

Yeah, it's hard for me to move on in a situation like this. I may be laughing from time to time, but the scar that I have internally still needs healing🙁

[jaysonicfactor]

I may have slightly moved on from the incident but I still remain skeptical about it. I just couldn't help it because I'm getting evidently anxious to the point that I formulated plenty of theories composed of "what if—" questions.

What if there's someone else?

What if you're still lying to me?

What if you're having a conversation with someone in particular?

What if you enjoyed talking to them?

What if this person has the looks?

What if they decided to ask you out?

What if you agreed to it?

What if you have a secret account posting contents about them and telling how much you adored it?

What if you have posts that are hidden about them? (I know it's private but still...)

...and it goes on.

It's not that I don't trust you—I actually do. But the possibilities are endless. I can't figure out which one is the right one. Not after saying "jokingly" that you are single.

You wanna know why I'm acting like this?

It's because I'm traumatized of people leaving me behind because I'm the problem or they found someone new, or even just being ghosted for no reason.

Rejection is really my weak point.

I'm just too fond of impressing people until they fall in love with me, until they decide that I'm no good or that I'm too boring.

I'm too afraid of that, yet it's still nonsense.

I'm nothing without someone who will truly like me for eternity. Disappearing myself is the only thing I could think of—and by that, I mean hurting myself because I feel like I'm no good.

It's too much. Yet I still need it.

I'm just a puppet being controlled by you or anyone else. If no one can operate me, I cannot move. I can't stand up with my own feet and do anything without being too dependent on somebody.

Same goes to you.

If you find yourself getting allured and entertained by somebody else and not me, then I'm useless.

What's the use of showing my efforts when it doesn't bring any effect on you watching?

I find it entirely hard to move on from this. I like overthinking it; it's because I'm assuring, and getting assurance feels good to me at least.

I hope you understand why I feel so low. I may not be perfect, but I'm trying to be one. For you. To exceed on your expectations about me.

I don't want to be the same guy being mistreated over and over again. It makes me look like a fool.

[jaysonicfactor]

YOU (Altered Version)

I found you.

Sweet. Cute. Kind. Chubby.

You found me.

Average. Supportive. Kind. Flirty.

We found us.

Emotional. Sing. Honesty. Bubblegum-like.

I'd like to know about you more.

[jaysonicfactor]

YOU

I always thought of forgetting you. But I can't.

Your facáde, your eyes...

I want to let go of the thought that I want to be part of your life someday; sometimes I did accomplish it however, as you came passing by again, the thought of you keeps returning even though I don't want it anymore.

Your personality...

Sure, I found you likeable ad then all of a sudden, you turned cold on me for no reason whatsoever. I've been seeking that particular explanation because why? I still don't understand why you did it. Then again, what do I know?

It doesn't make sense to me, YOU don't make sense to me.

I just wanna get over it and move on to some things I value the most than just being the duck getting exhausted on following your trails hoping you would drop some crumbs.

Fuck this piece of shit.

[jaysonicfactor]

I had to admit... the inner demon in me fucked up my life

No one to blame but myself

Probably because of my problems that took a major turn towards a path I wasn’t actually thinking of passing through

As soon as I walked that path, things got a lot worse than I’m only experiencing beforehand.

Talk shitting, ruining someone’s reputation, disconnection from the world I live in, stress, depression, fucking up everyone that surrounds me... It was terrible.

I’m won’t promise on changing anytime sooner because I don’t think it’ll be that easy. However, trying is the only thing I am slowly swallowing right now, and that’s going to take some time to gulp it all the way.

I just wish it was a simple process, but no. I have to take the hard way.

[jaysonicfactor]

PTSD

Those simple words are easy to say, but it's hard to overcome. Dealing with this condition is difficult and suffocating. Shadows of my fear are invading in my thoughts and it torments me--it's killing me inside. I don't know how to get out of this. It's too much. I haven't gone to a therapist so that's a problem. I have to; I really need to, or else things could get a lot worse. I'm not myself anymore. I'm not EJ that people used to know. I don't know who I am anymore and that scares me the most. My past innocent, joyful, oblivious, courageous and kind self, turned out to be, somehow, a destroyer--a software that is programmed to ruin every computer. With this, it also affects my mental health and my social interactions. I hurt people and now they hate me, and it's all because of what I'm going through right now...or should I say, my entire life, which explains why the person that I completely ruin its reputation still hates me. You don't understand what I'm going through for over 17 years. I can't...with this fear that is implanted for eternity. I cry every night, thinking everything would be over. There are some moments that I want to kill myself. It's dangerous but my gut feels like it's the only way. I fucking hate it! I hate myself. I don't know what I'm going to do. I'll put the blame to my parents, especially my dad for ruining everything. Even though there are some times that I'm happy making fun of him but most of the time I'm always down in the dumps for being too bossy inside the house and how he speaks is so annoying. Thanks for playing your role, dad but this is not the son you've known before. I'm shattered. I can't take it anymore. His catchphrase "Nasabi man kotang matali pero bobo man sana" it strucks me everytime, leaving me numb in the sense of losing my sanity. Tanga, animal, ganid...you name it, and trying to compare to someone else who seems better in the way that he wants to see in myself and to those who seemingly is "the same" as me. But no, that ain't easy, bitch. I'm traumatized, not really physically, but mentally and emotionally. My mind is trapped in a small tight area, only surrounded by anxiety, stress and trauma. For some reason I don't wanna abandon my parents and my family because I love them. But I need a therapist, to somehow take this anger out of my chest and the trauma that is still lingering in my head. To the people I hurt, sorry. To my parents, I hope you would see the scars in my heart and brain. And for now, I remain silent.

[desnaa]

Visit Original Link

I’d rather be tall

I’d rather be smart

I’d rather be sure you know I care

Wherever you go

Whatever you start

I’d rather be sure you know I’m there

I’d rather I always be a part of whatever you do

I’d rather be me with you

Wherever we go

I already trust

I’d know what to do if it were us

I’d know what to say

I’d know how to be

I’d know your entire syllabus

I can’t think of any other thing in the world I’d rather do

If I could be

I’d rather be me with you

[suf-fering]

things don’t always go as planned, and that’s ok

[jankybones]

I’m here for you, Schtu-ball…

man this part of the episode is the only part in SUF that has really made me like, cry. the part with greg. I’ve been struggling still with missing my dad after he passed, so I had to draw this to sort of comfort myself I guess. Greg is amazing…

[suf-fering]

All their hands came together, clasped tight in cold air, and their foreheads met in the dark.

fanart for @universallywriting‘s Wheels. it is a must read. it takes place right after bismuth casual and it’s so so beautiful. please check it out!

[jaysonicfactor]

I love this!!!

[anti-egg]

Day 416: Beeglejuice.

[jaysonicfactor]

Roses are red

Violets are blue

There’s only 5 more days

My dreams will come true.

[jaysonicfactor]

...

I'm losing sight, I'm losing touch. All these little things seem to matter so much, that they confuse me, That I might lose me.

[jaysonicfactor]

I’m so wrong

Everything about me is wrong. THAT’S IT!

What can I do to make a difference?

[jaysonicfactor]

Just tell me what’s wrong...

What did I do?

I don’t know what’s going on, and you’re claiming that I hurt you?

I didn’t do anything; I didn’t even try to talk to you like normally. What is it that makes you say that I hurt you? Did I talk with some other girl or something?

Look, I’m not mad. Just tell me what’s going on.

I just wanna know the reason why...

I’m always free to talk.

[iamonlyperson]

OMG THEY FILMED A THEY MARRIAGE AHHHH✨🥰

[markiplierswhatifs]

I forgot I made this one. 100 points to people that know where this is from.

Hope you’re all well. I miss you.

Oosh out

Thank you for existing.