It's been a minute, tumblr. I can't remember the last time I posted something serious on this tumblr account in a long, long time. So here goes nothing... First and foremost, I want to say this is probably me just bursting out with random thoughts going through my head about God knows what. So, forgive me if this shit doesn't make any sense or that it won't be in any particular order. A lot has changed since whenever my last entry was posted. One, I am officially a professional these days with real adult responsibilities over people's healthcare. Does that scare me? Fuck yeah, it does. Do I enjoy it? Fuck yeah, I do. It's only been two short months, but, so far, it is the most fulfilling feeling at the end of a long work day. I now know what the meaning of tired is - mentally, physically and emotionally. So much is at stake when you're put on the forefront of someone's condition. It's not a joke. It's also a constant challenge to be able to connect with various people both on the professional fellow co-worker level (from superiors to inferiors) and, especially, with the clientele. I've learned that if you're unable to be up to par with someone, they will 1. never listen to you and 2. never look at you as an equal or someone of worth. Personally, I am thankful that I have a transitional personality and that I am much more culturally adept to varying degrees. Without awareness and attentiveness to others, business will never thrive. That, my dear, is such a key component to every career path. Second, aside from finally growing up into my professional realm, I've also grown into a new person. I haven't changed completely; I believe I'm still the biggest goof in my family. However, I feel as if a switch has finally turned on in my head. I am slowly nearing the upper end of my 20s. I understand that in most of my close friend circles nowadays that I am at the tailend of the spectrum. I am young as shit compared to some, if not most, of them. Regardless, I am feeling now more than ever that feeling in which I should choose whether to continue living with being open to options or choosing one path and settling. That not only applies to career, but I believe it also applies with my own personal growth - i.e. moving out on my own, the choice of where to settle, and relationships. Investments are something that can be applied to all these things. When one invests, not only is the object of money a factor, but so are the concepts of time and feelings. Somewhere along the way into growing up, I have scared myself into thinking that if I let things be, then things will work themselves out. I think that was simply my cowardice speaking back then. Letting things be merely incapacitates aspects in one's life to grow parallel with one's age, and, coincidentally, lowers the chances of advancing in wisdom and self-actualization. Things that you invest in are the goals that you actively work towards. In terms of one's career, its the act of continuing in education and never ever hindering one's urge to ask more and more questions. I am thankful in that I am forever a smart ass that hates unanswered questions and gray areas in terms of academia. I think I will stay a student forever no matter what level of mastery I achieve in life. Relationships, on the other hand, that, my friend, is something that will always boggle my mind. Dating is difficult. I will never be good at it. And I know what most are thinking, who is? Well, there are masters. My parents were the shit at it. 5 years of dating and 36 years of marriage. To me, those are two people who have master degrees in relationships. Unlike my need to know the gray matters in academia, I hide in the gray matters in dating. Currently, I say that I love another person. I have admitted this to him, and he has admitted the same to me. People say that once this has been established, there shouldn't be any questions on the table anymore and that feelings are no longer a gray cloud waiting to be unleashed.. Well, technically, they have already been released through three simple words, which are expressed on a daily basis. What exactly is "love" though? Is it that persistent feeling of wanting to be with him, or is it the continuous support that I have for his goals, which often becomes a hindrance into our limited time together already? Is it the subtle but significant feeling of happiness when he has even an hour to spare with me? Is it because he's practically the male version of myself, and, because I love myself so much, that I love him? Is it because I love our inside jokes that doesn't even make sense if made known to others? Is it his ridiculous want to always sing the female part in duets? Is it because he's a hilarious, cocky and arrogant (but charming, nonetheless) motherf*cker? Or do I just love him because of the culmination of all these things that has turned him into such a major part of my every freakin day the past year and some change? God, he's such a fucking asshole. But I love him, nonetheless... God only knows why I put up with his incredibly annoying ass. Leading me to the question of investment. I have invested money, time and, most importantly, feelings in this. More than what I've ever invested in the past. Does it scare me? Yeah, bc I am not the only one involved anymore - my family is as well. Have I explored my options? Yes, quite a few times. How did that work? I wanted to invest my feelings into him again after realizing the others weren't even worth the time... Simply because I didn't get the same chemistry. I didn't feel the urge to see anyone the following day after spending a whole 16 odd hours with them. So do I settle and continue holding on regardless of the gray matter in between? The future blows because we don't know if our efforts and plans in the present will be successful. Young girl wants answers, but unfortunately none will be answered until life slowly unravels itself. Sigh. Done. Sorry so long. Word salad!
