With a glass of scotch in one hand and one of Wendy's cherry cigarettes in the other, I stare at the television in front of me. I've chosen to watch the games in the solace of my suite because the only person I want to be near right now is on the other side of the screen. I watch, my jaw clenched, hand so tight around the glass I think it might just burst. One by one the tributes are killed off, but somehow Teddy keeps beating the odds, he keeps making it through. When it's down to the bottom two, I allow myself to do something very dangerous. For just a moment, I allow an inkling of hope to take root in my heart. It is crushed moments later.
I watch as the life leaves his eyes. My chest feels tight. I can't breath. The sobs come before my mind has time to process what's happened. He's dead. Teddy is dead. Everyone is fucking dead. The overwhelming feeling that I've been cheated, that somehow this is all some big joke overtakes me. I'm the one alive. I'm supposed to be happy. But what's the point of living if everything you love is taken away from you?
Soon the sadness passes only to be replaced with anger, with guilt. I find myself storming to the bathroom in a tearful rage, my hands reaching for the medicine cabinet. I open bottles haphazardly, pills spilling into the sink as I toss the empty containers aside. I stare warily at the mirror, wondering who the reflection staring back at me belongs to. Turning my head away, I grab a fistful of pills and head back into the lounge. heading over to the bar, I pick up a bottle. I pop the handful of pills into my mouth and chase them with a bottle of whiskey. I'd almost forgotten the taste.
The next thing I know, everything is black. It's like being in the middle of nothing, a vast emptiness. I glance around, looking for Teddy, for anyone, any sign that I'm finally dead. But when I'm met with a voice, It's not the one I'm not expecting. "You're an idiot. You do know that, right?" I recognize the voice before I see her. Victory looks the same as she did in life, wearing that expression she always made when I did something stupid. A small laugh escapes my lips. "And here I thought you'd be happy to see me. "We didn't all die so you could give up!" She scolds and suddenly I feel a hand on my shoulder.
"She's right you know." I hear Coral say. I turn to face them both. "I couldn't do it any more." I confess, looking up at them apologetically. Coral sighs giving me a sad smile. "I know it's tough." She says, placing her hand on my shoulder. She always was good at this; at comforting me, knowing what to say, when to say it. "But you're stronger than that." She concedes, nodding encouragingly. "I'm not." I say, shaking my head. "You are." A third voice joins and my heart nearly stops as I look up at the owner of it in disbelief. "Eames."
His name leaves my lips in a broken sob. The boy I've cried over for two years stands in front of me now, a sympathetic smile on his lips. "We've all been waiting for you." He says, walking closer to me. "I've been waiting for you." He walks closer to me and I feel that lightness in my chest return. "That's all I wanted." I nearly whisper. "Just to be with all of you again." I walk closer to Eames and he slips his hand in mine. "And you will." He says, smiling warmly at me. "But not today." His hand slips away as quickly as it came. "Now's not your time Jeb." I frown at him, not understanding, but he presses a finger against my lips. "Go." He says, and I don't want to argue. Turning, I begin walking away from them, not bearing to look back. "And Jeb." He says. I turn to face him. "I loved you. Never doubt that."
And as quickly as it happened, they all vanish. It's dark for a moment and then suddenly he appears. In their place is Teddy. I don't hesitate. I run towards him, wrapping my arms around him as he presses his lips against mine. "I never thought I'd see you again." I nearly sob, unsure if I can take much more of this. But he only shakes his head. "We don't have much time." He whispers, running his fingers through my hair. "So listen to me." He looks down into my eyes, that kindness that I always loved about him shining through. "You need to go back." He says. "You need to go back and live your life Jeb. You can't keep living for everyone else. You can't keep wallowing in self pity." He strokes my cheek gently. "I'm not asking you to forget about me or Eames, or anyone. Remember us, but you need to move on. Live your life, fall in love, be happy Jeb. We'll still be here. We'll be waiting for you. But I better not see you back here until it's your time. Got it?" I smile up at him, tears staining my cheeks as he pulls me in for one last kiss. "Got it." I whisper as I feel myself starting to be pulled from him.
The next thing I know, I wake up in the infirmary. I'm not sure how long i've been out, but I imagine it must have been a few days at least. Once I've been properly scolded by that obnoxious escort, I pack my things and head home. Life goes on after all, and I have some promises to uphold. So I get on the train. I go home to my family. I hold my new nephew for the first time. I start drawing again. I try to cut down on the drinking. I live my life. And I don't do it for them. I do it for me.
The night Wendy died, I drowned my sorrows in a bottle of vodka. I don't remember most of it. Seeing Theo snap like was the point of no return. Suddenly Images of my own games came flashing back, the hate returned; the hate that once filled my heart enough for me to kill my own friend. It hurts, so I drink until it stops. I wake up sprawled out on the couch, my face covered in dried tears with a bottle in one hand and Wendy's crumpled letter in the other. The taste of her cherry cigarettes lingered on my lips, mixed with the vodka and regret.
When Samson dies, it’s too much. The feeling of failure overtakes me; overwhelms me. Both my tributes are dead. The list of people I couldn’t save just keeps growing. I think of Bran, how I never got the chance to tell Sam how he saved my brother’s life. I had been too preoccupied with Theo. My priorities had always been shit. I find myself on the floor of the shower, sitting under the water until it runs cold. I finally take a handful of pills and find my way to sleep.
And more than the regret, I feel guilt. Because as much as I hate to admit it, I’m relieved. Because this means I’m one step closer to getting Theo back, and I hate myself for it.
I roll and bring Jeb on top of me again, running my hands down his back along the soft fabric, I kiss him passionately. When I reach waist of his trousers, I slide my fingers down them, grasping his backside in my hands. I raise my eyes at Jeb, silently asking him where he was going to take this.
The moment his hands slide down my pants I grin at him. "I thought you wanted to sleep?" I tease, tracing a hand up his torso. I lean down to capture his lips again as my fingers lightly graze past a nipple, rubbing it through the thin fabric of his shirt. I roll it in small circles beneath my thumb as I look down at him. "Unless there's something else you'd rather be doing?" I ask with mock innocence. Leaning down, I press my lips against his neck, sucking gently as I leave a trail of love bites down to his collar bone.
I slide off him so that I’m on my knees on the floor in a praying position, looking up at Jeb through my eyelashes and biting my lip sweetly. “Please” I whisper softly “How could you say no to this face?”
I grin as he gets down on the floor, letting out a small laugh. "I suppose I can't." I say, standing up so I'm in front of him. I lift his chin up with my index finger and grin down at him. "It is a pretty good face." I agree, leaning down to press my lips against his. I pull him back up to me, kissing him a bit violently as I lean against the bed. My arms find their way around his neck and I pull him closer as we kiss, until we find ourselves on the bed again.
I mirror the lust of the kiss, and feel the primal yearning begin to build in my chest as he teases me, with a booming laugh, I roll Jeb onto his back and pin him to the bed playfully.
“You’re not going to make me beg are you?” I look down at him with a faux-sadness. “I’ll get down on my knees if I have to” I bite my lip, taking him in as he lies underneath me.
"I don't know." I say with a mock thoughtfulness, stroking my chin. "I do love it when you beg." I laugh as he flips me over, and for a moment I forget about everything except him. Wrapping my arms around his neck, I arch up to capture his lips again. Parting for a moment, I smirk. "You begging on your knees? That does sound very temping." I tease, tracing my thumb against his lower lip. "Maybe a should leave after all."
I laugh as he speaks, the jubilation escaping my lips as I realize that this is our relationship, we would love each other through everything, no matter what happened. “I love you to Jeb” after I kiss him back and run my hand softly along his back.
“Think you can stay here tonight?” I whisper lovingly, I wanted him here in my arms for the night, our hearts beating together for what could be our last night. “I’d sleep better with you here”
"On the contrary, I doubt you'd sleep at all if I was here." I tease with a grin, leaning down to kiss him again. This time, it's more passionate. it's the kiss of a man who knows this might be the last night he gets to spend with his lover. "But I suppose I could take it under consideration." I tease. "I never have been good at saying no to you have I?"
I settle when I hear the humour in Jeb’s voice, it soothes me to know that he isn’t going to be mad, or upset or scared. I envelope him in my arms and pull him on top of me, our bodies pressed together and his face close to mine. “Even if I’d only got a small glance at you across the room at the ball, or if you decided that you wanted to talk to me about the trivialities of the Capitol, then that would have been enough” I tuck a lock of his hair behind his ear. “I didn’t care if you loved me or not, as long as I got to meet you”
We lie in silence and I hold my love, enjoying the nothingness of our-union, and then his question permeates the air and I had no idea of how to answer.
“At first” I whisper as I run my fingers through Jeb’s hair, brushing it off his face and gazing into his eyes. “It was because you proved something for me, just by winning the games. Then it became more, I wanted to reach out across the Districts and protect you, to love you. My soul instinctively had to be with yours, and now it is…” I kiss him softly again, breathing him in. “and I am yours,no matter what, forever”
There's a lightness in my chest as he talks, and somehow despite how selfish I know it is, I can't help but be grateful that he ended up in my arms. "No matter what." I repeat, leaning down to kiss him. "I love you Theo." I say, caressing his cheek with the pad of my thumb. "That's all that matters. However long I have you, I'm just glad I got you at all." I press my lips against his again, needing to connect with him.
I blink dreamily at him as we lie next to each other, and I keep my voice low and soft, Jeb was here, I was still here, and I loved him more than anything. “I was going to, after the ball” I whisper and run my finger across his cheek “I didn’t want to upset you my love” I listen as he asks about me speaking to him, I remember it in a semi-haze, unsure of whether it was real or not, my heart aches as I think about Jeb blaming himself for me being here.
“I meant every word love, I needed to meet you, to give myself that chance…”
I'm about to yell at him. To tell him I wasn't worth giving up his life. But I stop myself. I glance up at him and my lips curl into a smile, because suddenly, somehow I find this all amusing. "So you find out you're dying, and out of all the things you could choose to do, you decide to volunteer for the Hunger Games on the premise that you might meet me, and I might just return your feelings?" I blink at him in disbelief. "How did you know I'd feel the same way?" I ask, running my hand down his chest. "Pretty cocky of you to assume I'd fall for you." I tease, pressing my lips against his. I guess when life fucks up in one way, it has to make up for it somehow.
Silence falls again and finally the question I've kept bottled up inside since our first meeting escapes my lips. "Why me?" I finally ask, shooting him an almost worried glance. "You could have had any guy you wanted, hell you still can." I look him in the eyes. "So why me?"
I usher Jeb into the suite, keeping my arms around him as we move towards the bedroom, I refuse to lose contact with him as I sit on the bed, pulling him down next to me so that I’m staring directly into his eyes looking back at me, laced with pain and joy at the same time.
“You would never lose me” I smile, knowing that the words aren’t necessarily true, but I know that he will see the meaning behind them. “I’m yours forever” my hand runs along his chest and rests over his heart as I lean in for a kiss and I remember his lips, feeling like we’ve been separated for an eternity as we connect all over again. “I’m sorry”
I manage a small smile, trying not to think about how much it would hurt if I lost him for real. I lean in to return the kiss, my hand resting on his chest as we lie side by side. "I'm sorry too." I whisper, resting my forehead against his. "You could have told me, you know." I say, moving my arm up to stroke his shoulder. We sit there in silence for a moment before I find the courage to speak up again. "When you were in the infirmary," I begin, glancing up at him. "I fell asleep waiting for you to wake up. I had this dream, well I thought it was a dream at first but..." I look him in the eyes. "Did you mean what you said, about why you volunteered?" I bite my lip for a moment as I silently pray that wasn't some morphling induced slip.
I stand outside the door to Theo’s suite, hesitating a moment before knocking. I haven’t seen him since he was in the infirmary. The nurse had forced me to leave before he had awoken, mumbling something about how I wasn’t even his mentor and had no right to be there. In the...
I cling to him for longer than I should, not willing to let him go now That I've finally got him back. "I thought-" My voice nearly cracks as I struggle to keep from crying. "I thought I'd lost you." I finally manage to say, swallowing back the growing lump in my throat. "I'm so glad you're okay." I pull back, my hand moving up to caress his cheek, an extra measure to be sure he's really there. I shake my head at his apologies, dismissing them with a wave of my hand. "It's fine." I say. " I'm just glad you're alright." I add, planting a small kiss on his lips. A thousand questions swim through my head, but in the end the only one that makes its way past my lips is "Can I come in?"
I stand outside the door to Theo's suite, hesitating a moment before knocking. I haven't seen him since he was in the infirmary. The nurse had forced me to leave before he had awoken, mumbling something about how I wasn't even his mentor and had no right to be there. In the end, I was too exhausted to fight her.
When I found out he was back on his feet, I knew I had to see him. After all, this might me the last time I get to see him before the arena. The very thought makes me nauseated. I take a deep breath, finally gathering the courage to knock on the door. I shift awkwardly as I wait, the question I'm about to ask resting uneasily in my thoughts. I smile as he opens the door, the happiness at seeing him awake again overtaking me. "Teddy." I nearly whisper, throwing my arms around him. I find myself unable to say anything more, burying my head in his chest.
I stay that way for the rest of the evening, not wanting to leave his side for an instant. My fingers remain laced between his and I lean in to press a kiss against his lips. "Hey." I whisper, feeling a little idiotic talking to him when I know he can't hear me, but I need him all the same so I pretend. "You never told me you were such a good dancer." I say, a small smile forming on my lips. "You could have warned me that you were good at everything, makes a guy feel bad about himself." I move my hand up to trace his cheek. "You scared the shit out of my back there, you know." I almost scold, brushing a piece of hair from his forehead.
I stare down at the paper, still crumpled on the floor. "You could have told me." I nearly whisper, trying to swallow back the sobs I know are coming. "I don't care Teddy. Fuck the aneurism, fuck the world. In my whole goddamn lifetime I've only been certain about one thing. I love you." I press my lips against his one last time before resting my head on his chest. "I love you." I mumble one last time. I fall asleep that way, with my head on his chest and my his hand in mine.
As Jeb sits up, I pull myself away from him and rise to my feet. While they talk, I meander closer and closer to Sam. “Don’t worry. The ball wasn’t all that much fun. Lots of drunk folks. Lots of awkward,” I chuckle. “You haven’t missed much, I promise.”
Of course he has a lot to think about - what would happen with his Private Training? I don’t mention it though, not wanting to scare or worry him so soon after he’s come to. “Scared me half to death though, you ass.”
I smile as I see the two of them together. I think of the way Wendy was clutching on to Sam's hand when I found her earlier. And I realize as much as I don't want to be alone right now, it's not fair of me to drag them along for the ride. They deserve some time alone. For once, I aught to be a halfway decent Mentor.
"Why don't you show Samson here some of those dance moves you used on me." I tease, before allowing my face to become a bit more serious. "If you don't mind. I think I need to be alone for a bit." I say, glancing back down at Theo. "I'm sure you two have some catching up to do anyhow."
