27 years old. Wife of a Soldier. Mother to one adorable little boy born on 12.1.12, two babies I lost after him, and we welcomed a daughter into the world on 12.14.15. And our sweet NICU warrior on 2.3.18. Florida living. Crazy Cat lady. Star Wars obsessed. This is my life and everything else I see that catches my eye.I run a cloth diaper blog. If you'd like to learn more about them, or you just love them like I do, follow me there at: www.cloth101.tumblr.comwww.FluffLoveUniversity.com
I wish I could explain how hard life has been lately.
How hard its been for the past two years.
How much I want a crystal ball to be able to tell me the future.
To stop me from worrying about every single aspect of my life falling apart around me.
To help me to stop feeling like I’m failing everything and everyone.
This year has been the worst, and If I could never ever ever ever have another year like 2018, it'll be too soon.
I consider myself to be a strong woman, but this year has broken me in more ways than one and it continues to push .
People always say the best things always take a lot of work. I hope theyre right. I don't know who they are, or if they know anything about my life... but god I hope theyre right.
Its NICU awareness month. Ive never posted all of the stuff I have typed up, its not even finished. I should probably finish.. but I just don't even know where to begin..
Does anyone have any NICU questions though?!?! Im totally cool answering questions. Hopefully Ill have a minute between packing, moving, appointments, the bigs, and being a wife and all that jazz and Ill actually be able to sit down and finish... and cry a lot I'm sure. hahaha
So, who has questions? why isn't the question thing popping up anymore? Is that not a thing anymore? Thats dumb... haha
@annasmommylife Oh totally! It just NOW started to bother me, so I'm sure it'll fade. But today it just all came out and I was like ugh, no it doesnt matter if theyre “healthy”. Maybe because I just recently met up with a mom who's carrying a baby with a terminal heart condition that isn't supposed to make it. And I'm just like damn, those babies matter too. But yeah, the gender thing IS hella annoying. Totally why I kept elliots gender to myself. haha super duper annoying. hahaha And of course ideally a healthy baby is the goal and its totally something to be praised and excited about. But those “unhealthy” babies are just as important. Im pretty okay with her and her story thus far. I had my moments. and theres still a lot of unknown, but I don't think about that as much. I just focus on her today and how far she's come and how much I see her progress.
Ive been slowly trying to unpack all of my baggage that I gained with Elliot, and its a lot... Most recently Ive been bothered by the “all that matters is a healthy baby” and vairations of it, saying that I see EVERYWHERE. Ive said it. so many times. And it wasnt until I had elliot that it makes my skin crawl. And this is mostly pertaining to the birth process sayings, not so much the gender references.
IS it all that matters?
and WHAT constitues “healthy”
WHY is it only the health that matters?
Because I know what this saying means, I know that when people are thankful for a healthily baby (and they should be!), its never malicious. Its never intended to shame anyone.
But theres thousands of babies born that arent healthy....
some are born dramatically early.
some are born with genetic issues known before birth.
some found after birth.
some are born with extra fingers, missing fingers, missing hands, or feet.
some are born with drug withdrawals.
some are born with respiratory issues
Heart issues
Kidney issues.
Neurological issues.
The babies that are born that arent expected to survive...
Honestly, this list could go on for miles and miles with all “issues” children CAN be and ARE born with every.single.day.
And they fucking matter, too.
Because let me tell you, Elliot spent the first 117 days of her life in the neonatal intensive care unit. She is gtube dependent, on a pulse ox most of the day, and also has a hospital grade suction machine with her all of the time to help her clear her air way if/when necessary. She has a long list of diagnosis and an future that no one is clear about since we have no “encompassing” diagnosis. When I fill out her health questionnaire about “overall how good do your think your childs health is” I never know what to circle, because clearly she isn't a 10, she has all of the things, and needs all of this work, but she's THRIVING. She is fighting and getting stronger every single day...
I never thought such a simple and well meaning phrase would make my skin crawl, but here we are.
And like I said, Ive got a LOT of baggage to unload when it comes to her. a lot. Maybe I'm being dramatic and a little overly sensitive about it, which given the circumstances, who could blame me?
But I'm here to say that being “healthy” isn't the only thing that matters. Having a healthy baby is an amazing thing, but from the mom of a special needs baby, I can definitely tell you that it is NOT everything. It does not diminish the wonderful feeling that you get holding your baby the first time, whether it’s right away, a few days later, or even weeks later.. IT ALL FUCKING MATTERS. And honestly, those babies who are born fighting are some of the strongest, most inspiring individuals I've ever been blessed to encounter and I am lucky that my baby gave me that experience and point of view. I am lucky that i get to watch such a little person get stronger and overcome odd on her own timeline.
This post really doesnt have any purpose, other than me needing to get it all out and work on processing our journey thus far. And it came up today in another conversation and I cannot stop thinking about it.
I hope your little love is doing well. Is she still in the nicu?
oh HELLO ANON!!! you must not be on my instagram or Facebook, but ELLIOT IS HOME!!!! She has been home for a WHOLE MONTH now!! I will actually try to do a wee bit of an update later! Im really bad about updating on here.. haha my apologies!
I’ve been meaning to post this for a while. I was hoping to post this and then go straight into my post about our time in the NICU.. However, since my sweet girl is still in the NICU with no clear picture on when she is going to get out, Ive started to write out our NICU experience and I wanted to go ahead and post some things. To start out, we’ll go with the birth story...
*It’s long, I'm sorry.*
We picked up daddy from the airport on February 2nd at 5:30. He came home because of the pregnancy and all the problems I was having. We had scheduled for me to be induced on the 8th.
On the way home I noticed a few more braxton hicks than normal. But I was USED to having them daily for the past few weeks thanks to my high fluid, so I didnt really think much of them.
We went to bed that night and I had a really hard time staying asleep and being comfortable. I woke up often because I just wasn’t comfortable. Not in pain. I wasnt having real contractions? But something was just “off”... I thought, maybe Im dehydrated? So I tried to drink a lot... which made me have to pee a ton.. Then I was like well maybe I just need to poop? Because we all know how that goes, and that did’nt solve my discomfort either.
At around 0630 I noticed that my discomfort turned into contractions. Real ones. Ones that went to me back. I waited a little bit to see what was going to happen because I REALLY didn’t want to have a baby that morning. But atlas, they didn’t give up and with my notably short labors, I was not going to risk having her on the side of the road or at the house. I shook Casey awake and told him that I was going to call my doctors, because I thought that the baby was coming today.
I couldn't get ahold of my MFM, but the L&D nurse told me to come in. So I told casey it was time to go in. He got up, told me to get my stuff together, and he was going to get the kids up and ready.
We got to the hospital and they hooked me up to the monitors and the resident OB for the hospital came in to check me since my MFM was busy.
7cm. Of course. haha because my body doesn’t play when It comes to labor. They asked me if I wanted an epidural, and I was like, meh, I'm already at 7, I feel fine, we don't need to bother with that, I’ve had natural births before. Its fiiiine.
They did a quick growth scan and she was estimated to be 4lbs 12oz. So they knew they needed the NICU team there, just to be on the safe side.
They moved me to the labor room.
The nurse at the time told us that the kids couldn't be in the room, so casey took them down stairs to eat breakfast. Shift change happened and the day nurse came in. They stayed with me because they knew as soon as they left it was going to happen.
But it didnt.... I got to ten and my water. would. not. break. It just wouldn’t. I was EXHAUSTED. I hadn't gotten good sleep the night before. My back and my hips felt like they were getting ripped apart. The labor ball felt awful which has always been my go too. The peanut ball was so uncomfortable. My sweet sweet nurse rubbed my back during every contraction. She held my leg up and put pressure on it when I asked her too. My OB, who was actually a midwife before she decided to go OB, was AMAZING and right there with the nurse taking turns. They even got a nurse on her break to take the kids for us so that Casey would be able to be in the room.
After around 30 minutes or so of me being at 10 and my water NOT breaking, they finally decided they would break it since my MFM was almost out of surgery... Little did they know that once my water was broken, she was coming, because my body had been ready to push her out for a while at that point. So they did a controlled water breaking, thinking that maybe that would give them time.. But it didn’t. She broke my water, and again I had high fluid so it was a TON of fluid. Once that break hit the bag of waters, she was coming and there wasn’t a THING I could do to stop her. Because after that there was no moving, I don't even remember really pushing, my body was just expelling her on its own. At 11:40, after a whole minute or two of pushing. Elliot Paige was born. So very tiny.
Casey came rushing in literally the moment she was born and placed on my chest. Which right after him came the NICU team. They cut the cord and she was quickly handed to them.
While the NICU team handled her, they sat with me and waited for my placenta to come out on its own, checked me for any tears. Elliot was taken to the NICU and we were left in an empty room.
Casey went to go get the kids from the nurse that was on break watching them. They told me to hang out for a little bit, to pee, and to get ready to change rooms and then I could go see her upstairs whenever I was ready.
So for those who aren’t on my Facebook nor follow me on instagram....
On February 3rd, a short 15 hours after we picked daddy up from the airport, our sweet little girl decided to join us. Elliot Paige was born 4 lbs and 8 ounces of perfect.
She’s been in the NICU for 2 weeks now, and were not sure when she's going to be able to come home with us.
But she's adorable and we love her so much.
Perhaps once she is finally home with us I will take the time to write out about our NICU journey. It’s been a very challenging time, but it’s also been an eye opening and a huge learning one as well.
Here is a picture of my sweet little girl from today. <3
And thats that I guess.
No more birthing center for me.
They had a meeting.
They called me.
They’re sending all my stuff over.
Im sad.
I’m disappointed.
I feel like I'm failing.
I’m tired.
I’m glad.
Im relieved.
I’m over this all.
I just need to make it at least 6 more weeks.
I just realized that Ive never shared here whats going on with me and this pregnancy. And since the things just keep adding on and on, I might as well make a damn list.
I am currently 31 weeks.
Ive been diagnosed with
IUGR/FGR (Growth restriction) ( 2-3% of pregnancies.)
SUA (Single umbilical artery) ( 1% of pregnancies)
and now
Polyhdraminos (high amniotic fluid) (happens in 1% of pregnancies...) Albeit not super high, but high enough with a FGR baby its cause for concern.
I just cant with this anymore.. A high risk pregnancy is exhausting on its own, without Casey its been horrible. I’m exhausted. Theres really no other way to describe how I'm feeling. just utterly and completely exhausted.
Im grateful every week I'm still pregnant, but at the same time, I've never been more ready for it to just be over so we can start on the next phase of life. Because this one is drowning me alone and I'm tired of being worried. and I'm tired of trying to get everything done alone. Im tired of solo parenting while trying to handle everything. Im tired of not being able to just talk to my husband when i want or crawl in his lap and cry. because really thats all I want to do most days. I'm just so tired.
I cant handle any more things that keep popping up with this pregnancy.
Hopefully this weeks MFM appointment will go better than last weeks.
So yeah.. thats where I am with this pregnancy.
Never. Again.
Im exhausted.
My bely hurts so badly.
This round ligament pain almost brings me to tears.
This dude rang the door bell and wouldn't shut up and leave about spectrum (a cable company) I finally told him that we were interested in talking to him when he asked when my husband was going to be home TWICE. and I was like bro, get the fuck out of here. Im in pain, i have kids and dogs trying to escape, if you're not dropping off food or a package you are not welcomed here.
Ive used the TV in my bedroom more these past few months than I have the past 4 years combined.
Im dying.
Send reinforcements.
I am so ready to pop this baby out and never ever be fucking pregnant ever again.
This is by far the most stressful thing I have ever had to do.
Im so exhausted.
Im so glad I'm already 28 weeks and I'm so close to being done.
I wish time would just hurry up.
Im struggling.
Im not sleeping.
Case will not fucking listen.
Im so stressed out.
The MFMD sent me a 25 page packet of stuff to fill out and sign stuff.
Which super overwhelmed me.
I ate a bowl of cereal for dinner.
I do not feel ready for another baby. I can barely stay afloat these days.
Which I know hormones are talking. But ugh.
Im so drained. So fucking drained.
I cant wait for my in laws to get here so I can fucking breathe for a minute.
You've set on me but you are not the sun. @jedijen - Tumblr Blog | Tumgag
