on this very special day number, I will share something i wrote somewhere else:
_________ years aren’t enough to describe experiences painful or cathartic enough to say, “I’ve been through so much…” And yet, for someone who is guided primarily by love, nineteen years might be just enough; maybe there are five or six years truly worth ‘studying.’ Everything else is just vague memories.
From music, cinema, painting, literature, and even theater…
There will always be different portrayals of love (in my humble opinion), and it will always follow you—or, in my case, chase you. Because it is the first thing we know and the last thing we forget when we die or come close to it.
Memory may forget, but the heart never does, no matter how foolish that may sound (once again, love speaking). No matter how much you move forward in life, in work… you will always remember something or someone who taught you so much and shaped who you are today—and perhaps, who you want to become tomorrow.
Because thanks to love—whether from a partner or a friendship—you begin to dream about the future. A trip with that friend, a house or a life with that partner… You grow up with the idea of becoming someone else without forgetting who you are now and who you might be a few years down the road.
What many of us fail to understand is that everything eventually turns to dust. Promises become empty, vows are broken, commitments dissolve. Those of us who don’t grasp this are left waiting, longing as we “move on,” still thinking about what once was and what will never be again.
It’s important to honor the past while respecting the present and considering the future. But for someone so guided by love, longing never dies. That splinter in the heart always remains—it never leaves.
You meet people out of routine or obligation, unaware that they will become a core memory. And with time, you learn to value those memories differently. As I sit here today, on January 30, 2025, at 1:20 AM, I realize that yesterday I was sleeping somewhere else, sharing moments with someone else, talking to people I still love and cherish. I miss them deeply, mourning to the moon, wishing I had been someone different.
I wish I had shown my best self to that person. I wish I could still feel the warmth of an embrace one more time. Or maybe just know how they’re doing—so my mind would stop speculating. Knowing that the choice was mine, or that I was the driving force behind so many people leaving my life… I still struggle to take responsibility for my mistakes because I want to close my heart to new experiences.
And honestly, I don’t know if I even want to have them. The memory of the past still lives in me, as if I were chasing ghosts down the street, hallucinating the presence of those I love just to feel them near. All of this confuses my mind, trapping me in the past instead of honoring my present, turning me into a guest of chaos. Emotional chaos.
So much harm I’ve caused without even meaning to. It seems I am simply designed to cause it, despite never wanting to.
Someday, my longing will die—because for everyone else, it already has. But on that day, I will die too.
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