*・°☆

I’m faking glory; lick my lips, toss my hair and turn the smile on, and the story’s brand-new. But I can take it from here. I’ll find my own bravado. The quiet of the room with no one around to find me out. I want the applause, the approval, the things that make me go

[jen-jxnsik]

@yeexn

  jen was getting a lot better. he was up and walking around now, and although his bandages still had to be changed regularly, the pain was becoming less and less without anaesthetics. although, physically, he was feeling better, mentally jen was still freaking out. he hadn’t seen his parents yet, or heard from them, but he knew exactly what was coming when he did. being in hospital had given him a lot of time to think, and jen had started to plan out a lot. what he had in his head, though, was a difficult thing to get started on. he needed help, and who better to ask than eun? jen had called him over to talk, and he sat on his bed waiting in anticipation.

[jen-jxnsik]

chaenari:

“Hey?” She furrowed her, betrayal was the only thing she could feel right now. She had trusted him and Kyu, she had trusted Jen and her childhood bestfriend and yet they could keep something like that from her as if she would ever talk about it. “You want me to say hey when you couldn’t even trust me with something like this? I pretended to be your girlfriend because of this? Because you wanted to be with my bestfriend?” It all seemed surreal to her, never in a million years she would have thought that people she trusted so much wouldn’t trust her the same way. It felt heavy on her heart to know that someone she had kind of put on a pedestal went to hurt her like that. “And not only you lie to my face but try to kill yourself as if that was something smart? I thought we were friends, I thought you trusted me and you go and do this, you and Kyu go and do this. Did you think I’d fucking sell you to the press? Did you think I’d need to do that? What’s wrong with you?”

    jen’s jaw tensed as he took her words. he bit down on his lip, frowning in his emotion. he wasn’t upset that nari was mad. in fact, he was getting mad himself. jen lifted his head, looking at her again for a moment before needing to break the eye contact, although that didn’t stop him from saying what he wanted to say. “ nari, not everything is about you, you know. ” he spoke. “ i didn’t purposefully go behind your back and say ‘hey let’s not tell nari because it’ll piss her off’. that’s not what happened. i couldn’t tell anyone. have you never had something that made you so fucking vulnerable that you couldn’t stand it? the more people who knew, the more vulnerable i felt and it fucking sucked to feel like that. ” his voice was getting louder and louder as he spoke, although the stress was causing his head to hurt, so he tried to keep calm. “ i didn’t think you’d do anything. i knew you would support me, and us, but i couldn’t take any risks. i didn’t even tell my best friend, nari. if i told you, i would have had to have told him, and then sungmin, and that’s three people more than i can cope with knowing. ” jen took a breath, meeting nari’s gaze again, but this time not afraid to look away. “ no offense, nari, but i wasn’t thinking about you when all of this happened. i was thinking about me, and about him, because it was between us, and nobody else. ”

[jen-jxnsik]

woojoossi:

“ choose your words carefully, jen “ he warned in a playful tone, “ someone might hear you and think i’d actually be of any help for anything other than making a completely boring room look particularly amazing. “ he waved around himself, making an example of the current situation, “ i’d say you help, too, but you actually look like shit, so “

    “ i don’t think anyone will mistake you of being any help. ” he laughed, shaking his head at the other. “ i do ? ” jen held his face dramatically, his expression dropping to one of devastation. “ i’ve never looked like shit my whole life. ” he whined. “ are you fucking with me, pretty boy ? ”

[jen-jxnsik]

sungmintf:

“it’s not something i’m proud and it’s not exactly something you can just bring into a conversation,” he shrugged softly, hazel hues dancing around the plain room not wanting to make eye contact with the other knowing if he did he’d probably break down even more. “being weak is not something you can change but it’s also not something to be ashamed of i’ve learned that,” he informed the other with furrowed brows, “so what if you’re gay? why would you want to change something you can’t help? it’s your parents who are the problem, not you, instead of trying to change yourself to meet their expectations just embrace your sexuality. it’s nothing to ever be ashamed of.” he scolded the younger male. “well, it’s never too late to start loving yourself…i get that their your parents but if they can’t love you for you then you don’t have to stay around them..even if you get disowned you’re smart enough you’d make it out on your own and you won’t really be alone because you have nari and me.” 

     “ i get it. i’m sorry. ” he nodded, completely understanding. he couldn’t help but feel a little bit of warmth, though. sungmin had shared a dark part of his past with jen, and it just went to show how truly close the two were. “ you know ... i was taught to hate myself since i was young. if i wasn’t exactly like my mom, then i wasn’t good enough. i had to be polished, and perfect, and whatever shit she considered normal. look good for cameras and don’t cause drama. ” jen’s voice broke again as he spoke, and he didn’t move his eyes away from sungmin. “ and i was so fucking desperate, for someone to love me, that i acted like her puppet no matter what was happening in my head. and honestly? i never felt that love. ” jen took slow steps towards his friend as he let tears fall down his cheeks. “ i never felt that until i met you. and nari and kyu and juvia and ... i’ve never felt more comfortable to be who i am. ” he was now stood in front of sungmin, his face was contorted in emotion, but it was beyond the point of stopping it now. “ and i just ... i want to thank you. ”  

[jen-jxnsik]

chaenari:

She had heard the news quite quickly, after all not only the news but Sungmin and Kyu had informed her that Jen had been admitted to the hospital although the reason why still lingered on her head. She had a get well soon card and a small bouquet of flowers mostly because he had been there when she had been in the hospital since she was quite hurt over not knowing what was going on in general. Usually magazines talked about her and Sungmin and how she was or wasn’t a slut so it was shocking when she saw not only Jen but also her childhood bestfriend on a cover, her heart sinking to her stomach at the fact both had been lying to her. Nari opened the door of the room Kyu had told her Jen was staying it, actually hesitating whether to enter or never going in at all but her feelings got the best of her, she needed to know he was doing okay. “When were you going to tell me? Or were you going to keep this behind my back forever?” She was thinking out loud, honestly not meaning to sound angry or resented since the other was in a delicate state but the fact that two people she considered herself close to wouldn’t even trust her with something like this. 

     jen had been nervous to face nari ever since the pictures came out to the public. he had asked kyu to keep it from her, and had kept it from her himself. jen knew from the beginning that that was a decision he shouldn’t have made, but something about telling outsiders just made him feel so nervous. once one other person knew, it only made the secret less of a secret. it made jen feel vulnerable, and that wasn’t something he was prepared to feel like any more than he already did. he felt a lump form in his throat as soon as he turned and realised that nari had walked in. he tried to swallow it as his eyes dropped. he didn’t know what else he expected to come from her mouth, but it still took him by surprise. “ hey to you too. ” he mumbled. 

[jen-jxnsik]

sungmintf:

sungmin felt bad for having lost his temper, to begin with, but that was quickly replaced with sadness and anger at jen’s words, he couldn’t blame him though, he didn’t know about the struggles sungmin had to go through growing up and it’s not like he could have told anyone since that would have been the most shameful thing he could have brought upon to his family so no one really talked about it. “you know that’s kind of fucked up to say that i don’t get it, although our reasons may have been different i still fucking get it,” he snapped back at jen hazel hues never once leaving him, “i was fucking fourteen years old, do you know what it’s like to be that young and ready to give up everything?” he asked rhetorically, a scoff leaving his lips as he shook his head at t he memory, “i was still a kid and was told to push all my emotions away because that meant i was weak and they couldn’t have a weak heir to the company because that would mean people would walk all over me and they couldn’t have that…around that same time i lost the closest person i considered a mother and you know what i was told? to get over it. the next day everyone acted as if she didn’t even exist and simply hired a new nanny as if her life meant nothing,” sungmin’s voice rose as he continued his rant, “that same fucking day i locked myself in the bathroom and decided i didn’t want this life, why have all the money and success if i wasn’t happy? and i decided to take all my father’s sleeping pills and the rest is a given,” he informed the male, his voice slightly breaking, “so how dare you say i don’t get it.”

     jen’s fists balled at his sides, listening to sungmin’s words causing a tear to fall down his cheek. he took a deep breath, looking back at him again with more sympathy than anger. “ why didn’t you tell me that ? ” he asked softly. although, he knew it probably wasn’t something sungmin wanted to think about, nevermind talk about. “ weak is something you can change. being this, being ... gay ... i can’t do shit about that. ” he told the other. he wanted to share his story with sungmin as he had shared his own. “ and, fuck, i wanted to change it. it feels so shitty to be hated by the two people who are supposed to love you no matter what. to feel like you aren’t worth your own life for just wanting to love. ” jen paused, taking a moment to calm down as his emotion was showing too much in his voice. “ since i was young, i was taught to hate myself. i guess it got to the point where i didn’t want to live with myself anymore. ”

[jen-jxnsik]

lcckyu:

“ you’re awake. ” it wasn’t much of a question, just observation as kyu stepped into the room, clipboard in his hand. seeing the other actually awake, sitting up, showing that he was alive was the best thing ever. his grip tightened on the clipboard, hiding the tremble in his fingers as he moved closer. emotions, relief or sadness, was not something he could allow to get in the way at the moment. “ how are you feeling? any nausea  or pain? ”

     jen froze as he heard the voice. it was one he could recognise in an instant. his eyes grew wide and it took him a moment to muster up the courage to turn and look at him. he turned his head, allowing his eyes to settle on kyu and his head being flooded with faded memories as soon as they did. jen remembered kyu putting the towel on his arm ... carrying him out of the house ... screaming for him to stay alive. it was something that was so difficult to think of that he had to look at the floor. some part of him was relieved that kyu was just doing his job right now, but most of him wished he would talk to him as something other than a nurse. “ i’m fine. ” he mumbled softly with a nod.

[jen-jxnsik]

hyunminfvck:

hyunmin had heard the news that one of sungmins friends ( or more like the only friend ) had landed in the hospital though the details weren’t clear on why but he decided to bring the male some flowers and maybe keep him company since hospitals could feel rather lonely in times like this. the older male made his way down the hallway until reaching jen’s room as he opened the door, “jen-ssi? he asked politely as he stepped into the room, “i brought you some flowers as a get well soon present, hope you aren’t allergic.”

     jen stood up the moment hyunmin spoke, turning and bowing in greeting. his expression was somewhat surprised, as he wasn’t expecting sungmin’s brother in law above other people to visit him. “ annyeonghaseyo. ” he said, slipping into korean in his surprise. he managed a smile as he straightened up. “ thank you. ” he said, taking the flowers and delicately placing them into the empty vase on the windowsill. “ you didn’t have to visit. ”

[jen-jxnsik]

sungmintf:

“how can you tell me not to worry? you really drive me crazy sometimes,” he groaned as he ran his fingers through his hair while the other hand rested on his hips. brown hues falling on everything else besides jen, for some reason he couldn’t bare to look at him without feeling his heart sink into his chest. sungmin wanted answers, he wanted to know why the hell he’d do something like this but he was smart enough to figure it out on his own. jen’s family was never one to things lightly especially when it was about their son and another boy, they were too old fashion in sungmin’s opinion, but his father was the same way but was more opened to change than the older generation. “why would you do it?” he blurted out without thinking, “how could you think about doing something like this?” he knew he was being hypocritical, he had no room to talk but still, he didn’t have anything back then and even though jen didn’t have everything he still had something to hold on to.

     jen kept his gaze glued to the floor, wincing with every sentence sungmin spoke. he turned away, looking over his shoulder and gazing out of the window so it gave him a reason to look away from the other. “ i’m sorry. ” he mumbled, his voice catching in his throat and taking him by surprise. he hadn’t realised how emotional he was until now. “ i don’t know, sungmin. i don’t know ... ” he snapped, looking back over at him with watery eyes. “ i wasn’t thinking at all ... you just ... you don’t get it. ” jen made an assumption in the moment that sungmin didn’t understand, whereas he really had no idea. the embarrassment he was feeling was clouding his sense of what he was saying.

[jen-jxnsik]

sungmintf:

at the news that jen was at the hospital, sungmin walked out of an important meeting knowing he was never going to hear the end of it but right now his only friend needed him. the drive to the hospital felt like forever and he was growing impatient but he knew it wasn’t his driver’s fault, for some reason the traffic in the small town seemed to be heavier than usual. once finally at the hospital, sungmin wasted no time in reaching the information desk and asking for jen’s room number as he basically ran towards it once the nurse gave him the number and didn’t even stick to say thank you or even let her finish her sentence. the dark haired male finally reached the room as he opened the door in a hurry, “jen?! jen are you okay?” 

     the suddenness of the entry and words from sungmin caused jen to jump up from where he sat, turning to face the other with wide eyes. he took in sungmin’s features for a moment, feeling his heart sink with a feeling he understood too well ... shame. he was embarrassed by what he had done; embarrassed by the fact that leaving sungmin and the rest of his friends even crossed his mind. his gaze hit the floor as his hand felt up his bandaged arm nervously. “ i’m fine, hyung. ” he mumbled. “ don’t worry. ”

[jen-jxnsik]

woojoossi:

“ funny to run into you “ woojoo mused, closing the door behind him, “ hadn’t expected to find you here at all. “ his eyes scanned the room slowly, taking in the machines and matching decor to all the other rooms, until his eyes fell on jen’s back. “ did you just wake up ?? “ he asked, moving closer to jen, going around the bed, hands holding each other behind his back, “ do you want some water ?? “ he stopped once he was on the same side of the bed as jen. “ i can go get a hot nurse to give you some. “

     jen abandoned his focus at the sound of woojoo’s voice, and he turned with a smile. he never had expected it, but he was actually happy to see him. jen smirked, wanting to return the playfulness that he usually enjoyed. “ why would i settle for a hot nurse when i have you ? ” he joked.

[jen-jxnsik]

     jen was perched on the edge of his hospital bed, his back facing the door and his eyes scanning the bandages covering the length of his fore-arm. he hadn’t been awake for long, only a few minutes. it was the first time he had been properly conscious since arriving, as before he was in and out. he was trying to piece together all of the fuzzy images in his head, but he was still feeling a tad light-headed from the anaesthesia. he heard the door click open, but was too focused to react.

[jen-jxnsik]

how come you listen to whatever your parents say and not do what you want to do?

“ they’re very powerful people. they can hurt me and anyone i care about if i do wrong by them and i don’t want that to happen. ”

[jen-jxnsik]

3 prettiest people in greenville besides yourself?

 “ damn, i was going to say myself for all three. for argument’s sake, let’s say juvia, woojoo and my baby sungmin. ”

[jen-jxnsik]

are you and sungmin dating

“ not yet. my plans to murder nari are still under construction, so once i’ve got them all figured out then our dreams will come true. ”

[jen-jxnsik]

if you're stuck with your ex in an elevator for 71 hours, how awkward would it be?

“ very awkward. it’d start out with small talk, and when we ran out of that, questions would be asked that i don’t want to answer. that’s how it goes when we spend too long together. ”

[jen-jxnsik]