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I hope someday I’ll figure out how to show someone what I need, because right now all I seem to be able to show people is professionalism, and that’s not what I need from someone.

joshpeck

the moon controlling the tides sounds like something out of a fantasy novel and yet…there she is…doing That…every day…

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Every day.

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Someone | @wnq-typography

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Identifying with this right now.

Learning Not To Run

I didn’t know until recently that I had a problem with running away from people. I know I have only counted a few as close friends in my life, and I’ve still kept a wall up with them. I know I keep my distance. But only recently have I realized that I run away from all kinds of relationships when I think the other person no longer likes me. When someone got upset with me, I assumed they didn’t like me and would be happier if I wasn’t around. So, I left, to make them happier. That way, they weren’t inconvenienced. I mean, that makes sense, right? Well, it’s always made sense to me until recently, when I forced myself to keep returning to this unusual friendship (for lack of a better word) because I really liked the content this person made on YouTube. I hate that I have irritated this person due to some mistakes I made unintentionally early on, and I’ve run away multiple times because I knew I upset them, but I love this content so much that I kept returning and trying again to find a balance between acknowledging the work they do and simply being a fan. I thought I was going to be forced out, that every mistake I made was going to mean the end. But I made myself stay, calm down when I was afraid, wait until I saw the result of whatever I said or did. And everything turned out okay. I survived. I held on and the world didn’t fall apart.

My point is, if I had run away and unsubscribed, determined never to return, I would have missed out on some great content later on, and reconciliation with someone I admire. While I may never be true friends with this person, they have taught me so much about sticking around and letting people be upset. It was embarrassing, and made me feel ashamed, but the feelings diminished as time went on.

If you’re facing something similar with someone, here’s my input. Feel the pain. Let yourself be hurt. Let them be hurt. And if you have to, just step back and take a break. But you don’t have to leave. Just breathe. Just relax. You’ll both be okay when the storm passes. And I believe you’ll both be better off too.

#running away #relationships #fear #scared #leaving

thegoodvybe

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YES

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love yourself | credit

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So hard to do. I feel like a baby just learning to crawl.

The Power Of Touch

For someone like me who rarely gets any kind of physical affection, the power of touch can be overwhelming when it does happen. I’m not talking about intimacy. I’m talking about walking through a store and a friend coming up to say hi. They innocently touch my arm just to get my attention. Sure, I’ll hear what they’re saying, I’ll interact like any normal person. But hours after they’re gone, I’ll still be replaying that one brief touch in my mind and thanking God for it. So simple, so needed, so desired, so important.

I hate the shame that comes from needing touch. I hate the embarrassment that even writing this simple blog brings. If physical affection in any shape or form is part of your life, you are blessed.

#starvedforaffection #embarrassment #shame

Fireworks and Why I Hate Them

I am all for celebrating freedom, but as I sit here with my frightened dogs, wishing myself that the insane noise would stop, I have to wonder what madness would cause anyone to choose fireworks for celebrating. It sounds as though we are bombing our own city. I feel sad for little children that don’t understand what’s happening, and for every Veteran with PTSD or even a dislike of the sounds that remind them of those days.

#hatefireworks #noisepollution

Seeing Affection

I realized yesterday that I have never seen my mom go to my dad for affection. I’ve seen my dad go to her to give hugs, and I’ve seen Mom give hugs to siblings or me, or give kisses on the cheek to us. A comment she made about how in England it isn’t appropriate to show affection really hit home.

My need for simple affection - just to be touched, hugged, stuff like that, is a direct result of this “unacceptable” behavior that Mom was taught as a child in England.

I can’t go to people to give or ask for affection, because it feels wrong. I’m not in a different place than I was yesterday, but at least I understand why I’m here now.

#starvingforaffection

Starving For Affection

Sometimes, I feel like I need therapy. But I’m no different than a kid who can only think about food because they’re starving. All my life my brain has been filled with thoughts about how to get affection from people, because affection has never been part of my life. So my coping mechanism has been to write about affection, to imagine affection, to hope for it. People ask me what I want to do with my life, and I can’t get past needing that affection. And if I ever had it, where would I go from there? You mean that’s not the only thing people search for their entire lives?

#starvingforaffection