love thy neighbor

here to break some chains - I hope the sparks I create help light your way back home.

[kosmogrl]

[faithfulbutterflies]

Black sheep.

I feel like I’m an embarrassment to my family. My brothers used to look up to me and talk so highly of me and always wanted to be around me…

But now they only hang out amongst each other. Rarely invite me.

They have little families now, and I’m… I’m still living with mom. No boyfriend. And feeling like a loser.

When will this feeling ever end? When will I finally get on my own two feet and become independent?

I just want to feel accomplished in something worth while for once. I want nothing more than to impress my loved ones and prove them wrong, or even right.

I just want to become independent.

[faithfulbutterflies]

“You have a very beautiful soul Jenna - just please, stop standing in your own way.”

[faithfulbutterflies]

I gotta let this out.

Before it consumes me. (Beware of slippery word vomit)

The night I met Brittany I got extremely drunk. I would like to blame my nerves for that. I mean come on, I was meeting the girl who’s Instagram I’ve been “stalking” for the very first time, and I just didn’t know how to converse with her; thankfully it was very easy to let loose, relax, and just talk about whatever. But we were having so much fun that the drinks just kept comin’.

I don’t remember the back half of the night. I only remember hugging Brittany goodbye, and then I have a flash of throwing up in Jenn’s bathroom and they wouldn’t let me drive home.

I woke up the next morning in a frantic because my natural body alarm clock woke me up and I realized I was late for work. As I sat up, everything just hit like a train; I then also realized I was in jakes bed, he was snoring next to me, and I had no pants or panties on.

I had to ignore it for the time because I needed to focus on getting home, changed, and ready for work. By the time I got home I realized I was too much of a wreck to go into work. So I called out sick, and they were very concerned about me and told me to feel better.

I hung up the phone and just balled my eyes out. I started screaming. Hitting the steering wheel. Saying every cuss word under the sun. Shaking. Shaking so heavily I had to shut my eyes tightly because I got dizzy. Every emotion I’ve ever had rushed me at once. I just didn’t understand why I woke up half naked in Jakes bed.

I went in to my house, and took an extremely hot bath. I sobbed. And shook my head violently in anger many times to get myself to stop thinking and to try and just relax. I slept most of the day away.

Then my friend Sadie called asking if we were meeting at the gym. After telling her I wasn’t in the mood she immediately knew something was up. She rushed over to my house and I fell into her crying. I kept repeating “I feel so dirty. So violated.” And she then cried with me.

We wanted answers so we starting asking him legit questions on facebook messenger (I have them saved). He was very suspicious sounding, and short with me. Kept “beating around the bush” and not really answering my questions. He sounded so damn guilty.

And honestly I don’t even know why I spent so much time trying to prove that I didn’t want the sex with him; because I know full heartedly I didn’t. I’ve NEVER been attracted to Jake. And anyone who knows him like me would understand why. And to top it all off, I NEVER sleep around. I’m not one that wants sex unless it’s with someone I’m very into, or love. Sex for me is nothing. It’s only something when I am in love.

My world crashed when I realized

HE FUCKING TOOK ADVANTAGE OF ME BEING DRUNK PASSED OUT IN HIS FUCKING BED.

What wrenches my heart the most is that I was probably asleep the whole time.

I got a rape kit done at the hospital, and they found tearing in my vagina - proving forced entry.

The fucking cops didn’t do anything for me. They didn’t help. Kept giving me the run around and telling me “it won’t go anywhere”. All I wanted was for them to report him so if he ever tried to do this again in the future they can catch him. Apparently, after doing some digging, I’m not the only girl who has claimed he’s been at least “touchy” “pervy”.

I have been avoiding Jenn ever since. I’ve been avoiding one of my best friends because I can’t face her. I can’t just see her and act like everything is okay. And it’s so unfair. Not only to me, but to her because it’s not her fault her brother is a fucking pervert.

I have only told a few select people that I trust, and within a few days I had buried it. Like it never happened.

I’ve gone fucking numb.

And I’m so not ready to feel the pain again once I finally explode.

That night that I met a beautiful soul, and should’ve ended as one of the best nights of my life;

ended up being one of the worst.

[faithfulbutterflies]

Hawaiian Spiritual Views.

My whole life… I’ve always had a hard time believing in ‘one God’ looking after ALL of us, and knowing every detail of ALL of our lives. I grew up in the Reorganized Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints, which later turned into the Community of Christ Church. It was a congregation that branched off of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints, which was strictly Mormon. A leader didn’t agree with certain views, so he gathered a bunch of followers (many of which were members of my family) and they built a temple in Missouri.

On this day my uncle is the Dean of Students, and a Disciple of the church. My Grandpa is an Elder of the church. And I grew up with my dad being a Pastor.

A lot of people when they hear that say “wow, you must’ve had a very strict life!”

And the truth is, no I didn’t. Obviously at a younger age I went to church and Sunday school every week, but when we reached a certain age my dad gave us all the choice to go or not. He never forced Christianity on us; only encouraged it.

I remember many nights praying to Him, and then crying because I honestly didn’t know if I believed in Him, and then apologizing to Him for me not believing.

Then there was one moment in church that I haven’t forgotten. I don’t remember what I did, or what was said, but I have a vibrant memory of my Sunday School teacher leaning in to me, tears welled up in her eyes saying “the Holy Spirit shines so brightly through you, Jenna.”

I think that’s when I started believing something different. My view on Mr. Big Guns Upstairs permanently changed. I realized that there was something inside me that couldn’t be in everyone else. I realized I was different, and everyone had a special ‘difference’ as well.

You ever notice how children feel weird around certain people that we as adults don’t generally feel. Ever realize that as children we felt different energies, vibes pumping out of people. Some good. Some bad. But we felt them, and we were generally right about them every time.

I think as we grow older we lose that ‘gift’. We start getting beat down by the world, and we don’t remember how to tap into it anymore because we’re too distracted. I think that everyone has it in them, but some forget. I think that some people forget, but not fully. And I think some people never lose it, and we call these people ‘crazy’ ‘weird’ ‘mind readers’.

My favorite movie of all time is The Lion King. And one quote that has always stuck to me is, “You see? He lives in YOU.”

I also think that when you put a bunch of people in a room and talk about one thing (Sunday Morning Message) all of our energies start ‘synching’ and we ‘feel the Holy Spirit’. And it can sometimes be incredibly strong.

I think that people don’t know how to explain it, or understand, so we find common ground in explaining it as being one infinite God.

I obviously ‘think’ a lot; but somehow I just KNOW…

We are all God’s and Godesses.

[faithfulbutterflies]

Christmas 2014.

Ended in a Jenna meltdown.

(Nobody saw this melt down except for my mom, and my good friend Steven who came over for Christmas because his fam wasn’t celebrating it).

My mom had the boys and their wives and, of course, the babies over for an early dinner.

And don’t get me wrong, it was a good night because there was no drama. And every once and awhile I chimed in on quotes from movies, and my brothers and I were on the floor laughing while everyone else just stared at us all confused, haha.

I watched my nephew Kaleb play with new, and old toys. I watched his face in the most adorable concentration as he was learning. Talking in baby talk. You’re darn right I wrapped that boy up on the couch and snuggled him. He does this adorable thing when I have him in my lap; if I put my hands out in front of him he just plays with them. It entertains him for a long time, too, surprisingly. Haha.

Alyssa ran around replaying “do you want to build a snowman” blaring through her new “Frozen” jukebox. I sang along and danced with her. Chased her around the house because the fear of being caught just jump started her heart and, oddly enough, made her extremely happy. I noticed that every time she was standing in front of me I couldn’t help but run my fingers through her hair. And it was so cute because every time I did, she could be in the middle of a conversation and just find herself backing in closer to me.

We ate great food, played board games, cards, browsed YouTube, playfully pushed each other in passing, and played this game called “find the pickle in the tree”… yeah that one got interesting real quick.

After dinner we all drove over to my dad’s place (conveniently he only lives 3 minutes away). To have desert and drinks.

I started to watch more and let things get to me more. I watched as Tiina and Chankhoda made plans to hangout without me. I watched as Ryan focused mainly on Kyle and worships the ground he walks on. I grew more quiet every time I tried to chime in and tell a joke only to be subconsciously ‘shut down’ with their silence. I watched as Ryan and Chankhoda jumped up and loved on Kyle and Tiina as they were leaving, and then barely hugged back when I approached them for good bye 'I love you’s’ and hugs.

And as I was driving with Steven back to his car I asked him if he had a good time and if he was okay. He proceeded to tell me that he had a blast and loves my family. He said “they’re very loving, welcoming, caring people. You’re very lucky, Jenna.” And I agreed. But I was just so mad in this moment. My heart was aching. My blood was boiling. Inside I was so hurt and confused and screaming; my eyes flooded and without a sound tears just started rolling down my cheeks. Steven was just talking away and then at a moment looked over and said, “OMG, Jenna? Are you crying? Why are you so upset?!”

And I lost it. I vomited words. I confused myself. I confused him; because I was talking through pure hurt and anger.

When asked if he could tell, he said yes. He said I wasn’t myself, and I was more quiet than usual. I watched everyone, and smiled. But I was very reserved.

Then what he said next hit home. “Honestly, Jenna, if I didn’t know they were your brothers I would think that you were meeting them for the first time tonight…”

His heart broke for me because he kept texting me asking if I was okay later on that night. My mom followed me up the stairs and just held me because she understands more than most because she’s been here throughout the 5 years all of this has slowly built up.

As I was crying (Steven knows about Hawaii) I kept saying that being in Hawaii wouldn’t make a difference in distance with them. They’re right here… and still so far away. I’d rather be an ocean away, bettering myself, than right here under this constant rain cloud feeling 'not worth’ their time.

He agreed completely.

It’s gotten to the point where no one that loves me really wants to hold me back anymore. Whatever it takes for me to be happy… they’ll just suck it up.

And as weird as it may sound people feel me. My vibes. My energy. And a lot of my loved ones can 'feel me’ the most. That’s why my moms so okay with me moving there. Because she can sense me being so confident and excited about it. She doesn’t sense a lot of worry. She doesn’t sense too much fear. And she can tell how I feel about you Brittany. I adore you, and you adore me; and that makes her happy. She repeated it many times last night as she held me.

I read her what you said via text about how I was 'missing’. She teared up with me because she knew that for me you were that something missing this Christmas, too.

She just can’t wait for me to start my path to happiness.

& then your post this morning. Ughhh.

January 29th, hurry your damn ass up…

[faithfulbutterflies]

My dads gf just wrote this to me:

Hi Beautiful! I hope you had a great day at work today!

I heard you are looking at moving to Hawaii.

I love you so much and want only the very best for you always!

I wanted to take a look at the Pro’s and Con’s of this move for you. I want you to also take the time and make out a list and see what you come up with.

Here is my list so far:

Pro’s (Positive things)

* Warm Weather * Nice Beaches and Seashells!

———————-

Con’s (Not positive things)

* Need to pay off your current debts you owe to your family. You need to show them you are responsible before you leave.

* You need to have a significant amount of money saved up.

* Hawaii is “EXTREMELY” Expensive.

* How well are you being paid at the job they are offering you? Have you spoke with anyone at this company to confirm they will hire you and what your hours and salary will be?

* You will have Ex-Boyfriend Drama. Why do you even want to be near him? He won’t feel comfortable with you being there hanging out with his girlfriend.

* Drama will arise with the Ex-Boyfriends Girlfriend. If she has any idea you and he has any contact, it will turn ugly!

* You don’t know anything about the roommates you are staying with. Remember when you went to CA and had no idea what kind of drama you would encounter down there?

* If you get kicked out, where do you go? To a Homeless Shelter? (Do they even have them over there? You may end up on the streets!)

* You will not have your car with you there. How long would it take you to save up enough money to eventually buy one there and pay for the insurance? Most likely you won’t be able to save anything on the salary you will make since it is so stupid expensive there.

* If something happens to your Grandma, how will you be able to afford an emergency flight home to say your last Good Byes to her? (You can’t expect you family to cover for you this time on anything)

* You won’t be able to spend Holidays with your family.

* You won’t be able to spend Birthdays or celebrations with your Family and your friends here.

* Any issues you currently have with any family members or friends here will not go away. They will still be with you in Hawaii.

* Your Dad is literally worried sick that something could happen to you over there, as you are not prepared for this huge move and not have any family or other friends near by.

Again, I want you to know that I love you so VERY, VERY MUCH!

I personally think this would be a HUGE mistake going over there at this time in your life.

Please put together a Pro & Con list yourself and let me know what you come up with. Maybe I am totally missing something here!

I Love You!!!!

Lisa

[faithfulbutterflies]

“No - the light in her eyes was much more than a reflection. It was the fire inside that melted her anger and devestated her resolve, 
every single time they saw it.”

[faithfulbutterflies]

"Now that's what real forgiveness is.

What you and Brittany share. What you two are doing. You girls are setting a prime example of what forgiveness really is about.

I, myself, wouldn’t know how it feels.

Maybe someday you two can show me.“

- Steven.

[faithfulbutterflies]

“Mom: “Everyone’s gonna miss you incredibly. You know that right?” Me: *with uncertainty in my voice* “yeah, yeah I know mommy…” Mom: “I’ll miss you incredibly. It just won’t be the same around here without my Boo…” *she tears up* Me: “I know, but you know what? I honestly think you may feel a bit happier without me.” Mom: *confused and kinda upset* “what?!” Me: “I mean, you won’t have this dark cloud walking around here anymore, bogging you down.” Mom: “you have never been a dark cloud, Boo. Even in your sad funk you still light up any room. It’s just that nobody really knows how to ‘be’ around you. Nobody understands how someone so bright can be so sad.””

—

[faithfulbutterflies]

I have something to look forward to.

For once in a very long time. I’ve been spending my nights drinking, crying, listening to depressing music in my room, avoiding texts from friends, avoiding to go out in general, being upset at myself, feeling unwanted, remembering certain situations, wishing I could go back and change it all, wishing I did things differently, trying to talk myself out of hurting myself, trying to talk myself out of cutting, shaking my head violently to the thought of taking my life and ending all the emotional pain of thinking too much and feeling so lost.

I’m tired of spending my nights in such darkness.

For once in a very long time I’m looking forward to what may happen once I finally let go, and step into the sunshine.

[faithfulbutterflies]

Dear Brittany,

It isn’t moving there with you, and Lance being around that bugs them. I have spent enough time explaining what has happened between you and I that they both have developed a trust in our friendship, and approve for me to go;

But I don’t have at least $5,000 in my wallet when I go. My dad can’t wrap his mind around it. He thinks I should have more money saved up in case of emergencies. He just doesn’t want me in trouble, stranded, and unable to eat or get home because I don’t have enough funds.

Lisa, agrees, but she tore into me for leaving my family behind.

Now, one thing you gotta know about me is that when I get upset and am being yelled at, I tend to ‘shut off’ and my eyes will be welled up with tears but I won’t speak. It generally pisses the person off that’s yelling at me because they think I’m not ‘paying attention’ or listening. But in these moments so many things to say are running through my head, and I’m holding my breath. My head always feels like it wants to explode and I just want to scream.

This is how I felt with her and my dad last night.

I was SO upset at my dad for not telling her to stop and protect me from her harsh words.

“Have you paid everyone back here, Jenna? Have you shown everybody you’re a responsible adult? Are you responsible enough? I don’t think so. Do you?” “Are you even listening to me?” “Do you have anything to say?” “What about your family? What about your beautiful niece and nephew? They’ll never know who their beautiful aunt Jenna is because she decided to leave them.” “Do you have enough to take care of yourself there? Jenna shouldn’t depend on nobody but herself. You shouldn’t let anyone help you because you should be able to do it all yourself. Do you have enough money to do that? I think not.” “You’re being so selfish. You know that?” “Hello?” “Do you even love your family? Do you even care? Well obviously not because you’re up and leaving them.”

That’s where my dad FINALLY stopped her and said “now Lisa, that’s one thing I know that is not true. Jenna loves her family more than anything; but boo that’s why I’m so confused. Why would you wanna leave us? Have we really been hurting you that bad?”

Both dad and Lisa were crying at this point, and I was still literally holding my breath.

The subject changed, and the rest of the night went on fine. I just came home so emotionally drained.

This whole weekend is gonna be that way probably.

But, none of what is happening is going to change my mind.

My heart is set. I wanna feel my wings.

Let’s jump, beautiful.

[faithfulbutterflies]

This pic makes me miss my long hair. And that happiness that used to consume me…

[faithfulbutterflies]

Desperate to be liked.

My whole life I’ve been someone who’s always been worried about ‘being liked’ by a lot of people.

It’s an amazingly epic feeling, to be ‘liked’ by many.

But it gets harder as you grow older to keep that number high.

I’m leaving all the people that ‘like’ me in Washington to gain new ‘likers’ on an island. Just the thought makes my heart clench. I’m gonna be ‘the outsider’ and that scares the hell outta me. I’m honestly flipping my world upside down in order to land on the path of happiness for myself.

Because of just that in itself I’m worried. And I know I really shouldn’t be worried because they’re your friends… but that’s just it; these girls are important to you and since you’re important to me I highly respect them for being such lights in your life. So it’s only natural for me to want to be accepted by them I guess. But if one of them doesn’t like me it may effect your feelings towards me. That’s what scares me most.

I don’t wanna be known, or looked at as ‘Lance’s ex’ because that in itself just brings so much negativity. And that’s honestly not how I see myself. I am just Jenna; a girl that has been struggling through her life to let go of her past, trying to be accepted, needs a new beginning, and just needs a little bit of a helping hand and beautiful scenery and beautiful souls to flog her life.

This is definitely one thing I’ll be needing to work on as well though, along side of being Sally.

When someone just ‘doesn’t like me’ it taps into all my insecurities, and I start to wonder ‘why’ and that’s when Jenna starts second guessing herself.

I’m in need of help to find mental tools that’ll twist, loosen, or tighten any bolts during these moments so I can start puting myself first, and not letting someone else’s feelings hurt my own.

Once I get that down I’m sure the sunshine you’ll share with me will have a chance to actually soak a little deeper into my skin.

[faithfulbutterflies]

It’s rather easy to let go of the past, Jenna, once you realize that no matter how differently things might have gone, you still couldn’t be loved more than you now are. Nor could you have more to look forward to.

Don’t-cha think? The Universe.

[faithfulbutterflies]

I can't sleep.

And I honestly have been very numb these last few days. There’s just so much going through my mind that I can’t pinpoint exactly what it is that may be bothering me most, or focus on one thing in general. There’s a hurricane going on in my skull. My heart has been cramping at night. The world as I have known it changed a while back ago when I slumped into this deep depression, and it’s just changed again… but this time I made this change in hopes to get better. I didn’t mean to get so depressed, it just slowly happened, and I avoided the signs and just kept getting worse. I lost friends because I ‘wasn’t fun anymore’ or was ‘too selfish’ because anytime I was around them all I did was talk about myself, begging for help but not necessarily lending out a hand to them when they needed me in return. I’ve spent the last four years second guessing myself completely. I used to just focus on others, and loved making everybody happy. Not caring about what others thought of me because I knew I was a good person, a beautiful soul; and the smiles on everyone’s faces that I had the privilege to bring out despite each of their darkness was evidence enough. I have always, since I was young, had an issue with comparing myself to other girls; wanting to be them. Once I was cheated on that’s when I snapped. She was so gorgeous. Then I jumped right into Lance, and that was just all bad; I don’t blame him for leaving, but you gotta understand him leaving did me in. It was just one more thing that I let destroy any self confidence I may have had left. I felt so ‘un worth it’ ‘not good enough’. It’s been a downward spiral, and having all of these weaknesses I’ve shown these past 4 years ‘poked at’ and brought to light from all of my close friends and family; “you’re not as fun anymore” “why are you so quiet” “why are you so sensitive” “stop comparing yourself” — just made it much worse. I know I have a problem but am too prideful to fucking fix it, dude. And coming out here starting new is the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do in my life; but something is screaming at me to do this. I mean, I have to fucking work up some crazy fake confidence to push through interviews and remind myself to say ‘aloha’ and ‘mahalo’ which are two words I am very not used to saying. I have to face Lance sometimes hoping that he’s okay with me being here and hoping that he knows that I don’t want to ever hurt your beautiful family while also hoping that he’s not disgusted at me being around because the thought of that makes me feel a little worse. I just want him to accept me as a friend and all will be okay. I have to sleep alone every night in a place I don’t know with a guy that doesn’t like to talk much. I’m scared. I’m feeling so lost. I’m overthinking the future while dwelling on the past. I’m homesick. I’m out of my element and so fucking vulnerable. Forgive me for not talking much, and please don’t let my walls discourage you. I can only pray that they come down soon so I don’t drive you crazy like the rest of my close friends and family and feel like I have to run away again.

I’ve grown so used to people lying to me to make me happy. I’ve grown so used to people giving up on me.

[faithfulbutterflies]

I could write

a novel completely full of pages explaining nothing less than every single fucking amazing feeling you’ve ever led me to experience first hand.

And I’d re-read it over, and over, and over again.