Jenna the Smark: A Wrestling Liveblog @jennathesmark - Tumblr Blog

Raw - August 31st, 2015

Ah, Sting. I wish I cared more about this promo but I don't? This feud might be good but I just am not feeling it.

I also with I cared about Rusev vs Ziggler, but I don't. This feud brings absolutely everyone involved down and it's really kind of miserable for me to watch. I can't care about this match or anything in it…. ah, and there's the cat fight to end it, ugh ugh ugh when can this feud end?

Becky Lynch vs Alicia Fox. Oh Becky, you are so good, I am so sorry that there's no chance you'll be number one contender. (Bryon - calling JBL a Negative Nancy, he's going to murder you. And Debby Downer! Hahaha…) Oh man, it's so great seeing Becky work. I'm sorry it was such a short match, but I understand why it must be so.

Mm, Ryback, I also don't care about you at all. You can't meet anyone's eyes and Summer is running down the hall? And Ziggler with a loooooow towel and a HELLA tan line, wow.

Ryback vs Show, with the Miz on mic, because proven formulas are made to be beaten into the dirt. Hah, Show taking a mic to yell at the crowd's chant of "please retire", oh boy please may we be so fucking lucky. It's really terrifying to watch Ryback pull full-on strength moves on Big Show.

Brie vs Charlotte. Ohh Charlotte's lovely, and Brie's especially terrible tonight. And oh, it's over. Well, that's a statement, I guess we'll be getting Charlotte as champion at the next PPV.

Cesaro vs Kevin Owens! Christ, Cesaro, that infinite vertical suplex is ridiculous. Ahhhh I love these men fighting, CESARO'S RUNNING FUCKING EUROPEAN UPPERCUT DOWN THE LENGTH OF RINGSIDE, MOTHERFUCKER. The storytelling these men do is so good, and OWEN'S NECKBREAKER, AAAAA. I could watch these men feud forever. Cesaro's gutwrench from the top rope, my sweet jesus. "Cole! watch this, ya little jerk. WHAT THE FUCK WAS THAT SEQUENCE, CESARO CAUGHT OWEN'S TORNADO DDT FROM THE TOP TURNBUCKLE, SWUNG AROUND, DROVE HIM DOWN, AND INTO THE FUCKING CRIPPLER. FUCK FUCK FUCK. Cesaro has Owens at the ropes, GOING TO DO A FUCKING SUPLEX ONTO THE GROUND, nope, Owens counters, and Cesaro ribs-first into the announcers' table, aaaaa, kick to the ribs as soon as he gets back into the ring, POP UP POWERBOMB YESSS.

IS THIS THE END OF THE FUCKING ZIGGLER/LANA THING? PLEASE.

Braun Strowman, straight out of Vince's 80s roster - but ooh, with a good voice, nice. Vs Dean Ambrose, who can work really well so hopefully even if Braun is weak in his ringwork it'll be a decent match? Fuuuuck, look at these one-armed fucking tosses across the ring. And Ambrose is selling nicely, too. Aaaa shit, Dean on the barricade, tossed to Roman, and Roman causing a DQ, oh man, and some nice after-match stuff, look at them go, man, and Dean's chair is ineffective! Oh I was so frightened oh this guy's ability, but he's very solid and I'm looking forward to seeing more of him.

Paige vs Sasha, and this is either going to be a minute and a half, or a real fight. Well, it's going to be a real fight either way, because they're both so good. Ahhhh balls, and there's the nonfinish, at least it might set up

Lana in for an interview.

NEW DAY! Oh my god, Xavier, your hair flowing free is slightly distressing. And oh man, look at this entire sermon on tables - and you have a glass table now? This will end terribly. Prime Time on commentary, excellent. I've never seen the Dudleys fight, so I'm looking forward to seeing this. NICE, this is nice, damn, I like watching them work. Xavier pulls a fucking brush out of his pants, oh boyyy I love him so much. This is such an entertaining match. I love watching Woods hype, I love watching Big E and Kofi work, Bubba Ray and Devon are amazing, ohh boy oh boy. The Dudleys don't disappoint, and they of course win but I'm super excited for seeing more.

Oh Seth <3. Mommy is here to be really pissed… but aw, look, what a good pep talk! And oh boy, it's Cena. (Oh my GOD there is a Hogan cosplayer. He looks old enough to be the Hogan Cosplayer. Oh my god.) Hey hey, two matches at Night of Champions! Cool.

Raw - August 24th, 2015

Oh Seth, that's a real sheen in your eyes… HI BROCK! Aaaaahaha timekeeper getting booed, beautiful. YEAS HOLY GOD IT'S BO. "Mr. Brock? Mr. Brock." Oh my god. Lesnar's face. Oh my god. Goodbye, Bo. PICKED UP LIKE NOTHING. TOSSED LIKE NOTHING. He's just going to suplex Bo until he gets bored, isn't he? And he walks away and Heyman's like, "why not five?" And bam, and walk away, and Paul goes, "One F5? For me?" And I'm so happy.

New Day vs Lucha Dragons! New Day getting a New Day Rocks chant! OH MY FUCKING GOD, XAVIER WOODS. Oh my god, New Day. The trombone, I just - the song is the song, but the trOMBONE. Jesus. Oh, Kalisto, you so silly… you're not actually human, aren't you? And Woods playing trombone on the side… KALISTO BOTCHES BUT THEN FUCKING DESTROYS ANYWAY, FLAWLESS. Jesus, oh my god, Xavier Woods is PLAYING TAPS AS BIG E GOES FOR THE PIN. Ahahaaa…. HEY, IT'S THE DUDLEY BOYZ. Oh boy oh boy, New Day's gonna die. Xavier Woods, 3D THROUGH THE TABLE. (JBL is marking out so hard, wow.)

Reigns and Ambrose meeting Bray and Harper again. Oh Bray, I love you… carrying Ambrose like a child, swinging him into a savage knee to the gut. And Ambrose with that lovely tornado DDT to Harper! Roman in for the pain, t-bone to Bray! And another! Aaah, and Bray's throws, jesus. Ahhhhh I love them all working together, this is is a great collection of dudes doing very good at their jobs. And - hey, new dude! Look at you toss Roman Reigns around like he weighs nothing! Hum! (Poor Rowan, though.)

Miz, Miz, stop please? "A group of women who get a long? What a rarity." Ohhh this is painful to watch. A pinky swear?? "We want Sasha" chant, yes, please, give me Sasha please. "Girls, girls, girls, girls, WHEN MY HAND GOES UP, YOUR MOUTH GOES SHUT." This was awful. Jesus.

Aaaaaand it's PCB vs Bells, ufdhgkjfdghkdfjg. I JUST!!! WANT!!!! NICE!!!! THINGS FOR THESE LADIES!!!! This isn't even bad wrestling, but there's no way to feature anyone, it's all just muddled and shitty. And there's a "boooring" chant, and I can't even disagree. Real time for a match is lovely, spot by spot this is good, but my fucking god this is just… this hurts.

Barrett and Stardust!! And STARDUST MUDERS BARRETT (poor Barrett). Neville runs in, house on fire, and it's a clean break back to the singles feud they had going, alrighty!

JON STEWART!!! I love the crowd response. I love it. It feeds me. YES, him feeding off of the WHAT chant, and YES HE DID IT FOR FLAIR. "THE CHAMP! IS! FLAIR!!" AND FLAIR IS HERE!!!! "I was pulling for John Cena." Wowww, best heel BEST HEEL FOREVER FAVE. Oh man, oh man, I love Flair so much, I love him, and Jon's face as Flair tells him he messed up everything, aaaa, aaaaaaaa, I'm so pleased, and Cena's here!! HEE!! Oh my god I love this so much. Oh Jon, I hope you enjoyed that AA.

The intros are going to be longer than this match, won't they? And jesus, poor Kevin Owens, third match in a row, after two matches that were not soft. Cesaro casually catching Rusev… yikes. Big Show vs Ziggler is pretty hilarious, and ooh, poor Owens, you are not moving well. Sheamus with Ziggler limp over his knee, a fucking Pietá, ahaha. I'm soooo siiiick of Lana vs Hot Summer distracting Rusev… Poor, poor Owens. Please just let him lay in his tub of ice and rest? And it's Orton in, finally, for the pin, while Show kinda chills. Beat up by Rusev and Kevin, who brushes off Sheamus, and… the faces set up Show for a fucking suspended RKO, woooow.

Yiiiikes, that happy birthday is dire. Thanks, Steph?? Anyway, time for the carnage to begin - how long do you think the statue is going to last? I can't wait to see how it's been defaced when they reveal it, actually. STING STING STING! HI STING!!!!

Summerslam '15

Orton vs Sheamus! Sheamus, why are you on the commentary table? Ah, it's to yell back at the crowd, lovely. These two men work together in the best matches that no one cares about. Orton with a T-BONE SUPLEX TO THE OUTSIDE. Ah, man, bless, look at Randy fluffing Sheamus' mohawk… And Orton is busted! That powerslam! Hangman's DDT! Back and forth and Ten Beats of the Bowry and going into punching him in the head instead, and then throws himself over RKO!! Sheamus rolls out, augh. Back and forth, and aww there's a brogue kick, goodbye Orton.

New Day! With the best goddamn heel promo. "Pitch pipes to C, guys. Pitch pipes to C." Vs Los Matadores, Lucha Dragons, and Prime Time Players. New Day trying to tag themselves in to pin each other to win. KALISTO. Jesus, this match. Big E ding a slam onto Darren Young laid out over the apron, christ. God damn, Xavier Woods is just amazing, screaming non stop. And I just - I can't even take notes on this, holy fuck, Titus O'Neil murderong everyone, Xavier absolutely destroying El Torito, a fucking mess, oh my god this is incredible, Titus launching three men off the top turnbuckle but Kofi jumps up and blind tags Titus out, kicks Titus in the head, Big E rolls Titus out, and KOFI PINS FERNANDO, AAAAAAA NEW DAY AS TAG CHAMPS!!!

Ziggler vs Rusev and oh my fucking god what is Lana wearing. This fight is a lot of fun - look at that DDT, man, man. RUSEV THAT SETON. Ziggler's turning it on for this return to the ring! But there's Rusev with a superkick and the Accolade!! But there's Lana screaming and Summer going at her and NO NO NO RUSEV DON'T LET THE ACCOLADE GO ugh UGH and there's all of them outside, Ziggler with a superkick, everyone's dead, please god let there be a double count out, that is the best possible result at this point - ohhh thank god.

Stardust oh my god bless you and Barrett. Vs Neville and Stephen Amell, oh my. Neville I can't with you, you are absurd. And now it's Amell vs Stardust, and damn Amell can actually go. Enziguri by Amell!!! WHAT THE FUCK NEVILLE HOW DID YOU DO THAY FROM THE SECOND ROPE??? And oh my god oh my GOD AMELL OFF THE TOP TURNBUCKLE GOOD GOD. And there's the Red Arrow

Big Show vs Ryback vs the Miz. God, god, Show is so slow, this hurts. There are some beautiful Miz moments here - running in, going for the cheap pins, running out, but it all must end and Miz gets pinned and Ryback retains. It's over now!

WYATTS VS SHEILD. Oh jesus I'm so hyped. Watch this!!

Ambrose's shirt is gone, oh dear, and HANGMAN'S ON TO THE FUCKING FLOOR oh my god, and the Wyatts are just destroying Dean, and the chant goes: "Roman's sleeping!" And there's Reigns with the hot tag! Wyatt off the top rope SUPERMAN PUNCH!! AAAAAAAAA Oh fuck oh fuck oh fuck this maaaaatch aaaaaaa DOOMSDAY DEVICE AAAAA and Harper with the save, ohhh mannnnn, and one-man-less Shield powerbomb, SPEAR and Sister Abigail NOEP Dirty Deeds AAAAAAAA DONE.

Rollins vs Cena. Nice start, I really appreciate that John actually can turn it up (though I so hate that it points up for often he phones it in). ROLLINS OFF THE TOP ROPE NECKBREAKER and then a suicide dive - and ANOTHER suicide dive - ANOTHER ohhhh that's a fucking flip, godddd, aaaa this match heated the fuck UP aaaa watch Rollins gooooo, hanging Cena up and jumping down aaahahaha what a nice spot, aaaaa this match, AA BUT A KICKOUTTT, frogslapsh, aaaaaaa. Fuck I love this. Picking Rollins up from fucking nothing, AA, Rollins lands his feet, enziguri, PIKCS UP CENA WHAT THE ABSOLUTELY SHIT, AA, AA, AA ON CENA. Aaaaahahaha STF, and kick away, and HAHA WHAT THE FUCK CENA PUTTING ON THE FIGURE FOUR? OKAY. Rollins with Cena SUPLEX OFF THE TOP ROLE, goes straight into the Michinoku driver, holy fuck fuck fuck Phoenix Splash, MISSES, oh that looks like it hurt, fuck, and REF DEAD!! HAHAHAHAHHAA CENA, NO PIN FOR YOU. JON STEWART???? Oh my god, he has a chair, who's the chairshot for?? OH FUCK OH FUCK CHAIRSHOT ON CENA, OH FUCK, LAYS THE CHAIR DOWN FOR ROLLINS, AND RUNS OUT. PEDIGREE, FUCK OH MY FUCKING GOD OH MY GOD YESSSSSSS.

Divas triple threat elimination, nice. Tamina is a beast, jesus, and I guess the Bellas are just going to chill out? There's some good stuff happening but this is largely just a clusterfuck until the first team gets eliminated… and yeah, there goes Tamina, byeee. I think there's a lot of good going on but this is just… not the right showcase for them. Why couldn't there have been two matches? Poor Paige, getting her ass kicked, fucking Alabama Slammer from Nikki onto the floor, and THERE'S CHARLOTTE ohhh man, Figure Eight OOF, Nikki hitting her in the middle, and BECKY WITH THE PIN, YES!

KEVIN OWENS VS CESARO. Oh Owens, you must be in so much paint after last night. Fucking OVER THE TOP ROPE KEVIN OWENS and hahaha he gets distracted yelling at Cole, Cesaro CORKSCREW and he hops up ONTO the announcers table, fuuuuuck. This shit happening outside, Cesaro RUN INTO THE BARRICADE, SHIT, I CAN'T EVEN TAKE NOTES ON THIS, WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS MATCH. Owens fucking flipping onto Cesaro, and Cesaro just casually picking him up and throwing him down, I just?? Love these two so much??? GUTWRENCH SUPLEX FROM THE TOP ROPE??? CASARO IS NOT HUMAN. THIS IS WRONG. SWEET LORD I'M SO HAPPY. Owens with a Tornado DDT because SURE WHY NOT? Owens on the second rope, JUMPS TO THE THIRD, FLIP, CESARO'S NOT THERE, OH JESUS. And he STILL manages to get a kick up in him as Cesaro runs in for the strike. CESARO'S CORKSCREW UPPERCUT, JESUS. Owens rolls to the outside, Cesaro runs around and CORKSCREW UPPERCUT AND OWENS INTO THE BARRICADE, AAAAAA!!! Cesaro Swing, and sharpshooter, jesus up to the top rope, NOEP, Cesaro DROPKICKS HIM sitting on the top turnbuckle, christ, and Owens gets him into a t-bone and FUCKING T-BONE SUPLEX FROM THE TOP ROPE, POP-UP POWERBOMB, YES YES YEYSYSYESS YES OH MY FUCK YES OWENS!!!!!

Lesnar vs Undertaker, and there's the fight started as soon as Taker gets in the ring. Jesus, this is just a slugfest. Taker on the rope-walk, LESNAR CATCHES HIM IN AN F5, OH SHIT, nope… out to ringside, Lesnar's bleeding (of course), and back into the ring… christ, look at these suplexes. F5 THROUGH THE FUCKING TABLE!!!!!!! OH MY GOD!!! And oh my god, Lesnar fixed the blade job, jesus what a mask of blood. TOMBSTONE, TOMBSONE, and Lesnar kicks out, and sits up, and LAUGHING with a mask of blood, and OH MAN Taker sits up too, LAUGHING CREEPILY. FUCK WOW THIS MATCH IS BETTER THAN I COULD HAVE HOPED FOR. Good back and forth, and Kimora lock, and OH SHIT OH SHIT UNDERTAKER TAPS, AND BELL, but - what, what, ref going over to yell, what?? He didn't see it?? Hellgate, and AAAAHAHAH BROCK LESNAR WITH A MIDDLE FINGER, AND HE - FUCK HE PASSED OUT??? THE BELL???? OH MAN.

Raw - August 17th, 2015

Good goddamn, Trips, that suit is exquisite. And oh damn, someone in the back room fucked up, Steph's gonna fire you for making her look the fool by punching up the wrong slide…

Orton! With Cesaro, yesss! Vs Kevin Owens and Sheamus! Jesus this is going to be a nasty physical fight. Sheamus tagging Owens, with that reaction of 'oh fucking well', beautiful. And CESARO HOLDING OWENS FOR THE VERTICAL SUPLEX HOLY BALLS. and Cesaro's CORKSCREW UPPERCUT oh my heart. This is so fucking good, this is so fucking good, and Cesaro back in and I AM SO HAPPY. Sheamus off the top rope and Cesaro CATCHES HIM WITH AN UPPERCUT, AAAA. Hahaha, Ceasro gets caught in the rope, Owens helps him off! And then Orton goes to RKO Owens, Owens just kinda pushed him off and walks away…? Ah, no, Cesaro grabbed his ankle from outside, ok, that was odd haha, but such a good match, damn.

Hey, the Undertaker is actually delivering a promo for this match? And Seth talking to Mommy and Daddy, and asking for a statue, oh my god.

Dean on commentary, oh my this will go very well with Reigns fighting Luke Harper. And Ambrose burying Saxton, along with the rest of the universe, whipping his chair out from under him to give to Wyatt, beautiful. Harper kicks Roman in the head and it sounds like a cocout being thrown against a wall, jesus. And look at Reigns doing that running apron kick, christ, look at this match. Harper with a Michinoku driver, good lord, christ, and that MOTHERFUCKING SUPERKICK, HOLY MOTHER OF GOD. And then, you know, Reigns just casually picking Luke Harper up from nothing into a full Samoan drop. Harper delivers the superkick outside, gets back in the ring, goes for the dive, SUPERMAN PUNCH and Reigns gets in, oh my god superkick, michinoku driver, motherFUCK look at this FUCKING MATCH, superman punch SPEAR aaaahahahahahahaa what an exquisite match.

Tamina vs Becky Lynch, in the first time we'll really see Tamina fight. And basically: yikes. What a frightening brawler, that's some goddamn strength. It's impressive to watch Becky fight back, given that Tamina's a weight class up. But there's Becky off the top rope with a missile dropkick, and - fuck, that transition, Samoan drop setup into crucifix rolled through into Disarmer!!

Lana back on commentary for Rusev commenting to runback his Mark Henry feud. And I guess that the World's Strongest Slam doesn't matter anymore, because there were two of them and Rusev didn't even pause. Screaming at Lana, LOVELY SUPERKICK, Accolade, alright then. Aaaand then the inevitable Summer/Lana catfight, sigh. What a monster slap from Lana! And then demanding Rusev get in the ring, aaaaaaaand there's Ziggler. GORGEOUS DDT, FUCK, and then Rusev drags Summer in the way of Dolph's superkick, DARK, and Lana takes down Summer and Dolph takes down Rusev and we're set up for Summerslam.

Ryback time, vs the Miz, with Show on commentary. This will go well! Miz is just so good at being a truly despised heel. Miz gets squashed, and then it's time for Ryback to call out Show… and Show just walks. Mm.

Contract signing between Seth and Cena, and a lovely Sethy monologue with a lot of meta about Cena being the villain, oh man. The crowd can't get enough of this, but are very confused about cheering for him. Aaand there's Cena, to a rousing chrosus of "John Cena suuuucks" and a really good promo. (Whoops, fucking up the boss' name, nice one John.) DARK, CENA - talking about breaking his knee. Oh my god, this promo is actually pretty incredible… oh Cena, I'm so scared of Summerslam.

Lucha Dragons, Los Matadores, Prime Time Players, and New Day, with the exquisite Xavier Woods. "I'm having a rough day. I'm having a rough day." It's an eight-man tag with New Day meaning up with Los Matadores. This was a squash which just served to give New Day a moment with El Torito, I guess.

STARDUST AND BARRETT PROMO!! I'm so fucking happy. The COSMIC KING, OH MY GOD.

Nikki vs Sasha, and oh Sasha is so good. This is just solid wrestling, and SASHA that sequence to get Nikki on the corner for the knee drop, oh. And then the pushups with her hands lifting off the mat!! Yes yes yes. Nikki's doing some botches and awkward sequencing, but this is so fun - and there's Naomi with a distraction and the Band Statement, BAM!

PAUL HEYMAN!!! And Lesnar as Homecoming King, complete with streamers and confetti falling from the ceiling. (Brock mouthing along with the Suplex City chant. Amazing.) And Paul Heyman falls to his knees, genuflects, and then sTARTS SINGING OH MY FUCKING GOD. OH MY GOD. HEYMAN I LOVE YOU SO MUCH. And the gong goes off, lights drop - but no Taker, so it's time for Paul to double down. And god, Paul, you're on fire - and GONG! GONG! And the light go up and TAKER'S THERE WITH ANOTHER LOW BLOW.

Raw - August 10th, 2015

Hi there, Seth. Wow, this is such a run-back promo that I checked to see if I was watching the right one. And… what the fuck is this on the titan-tron? THANK YOU GOD CESARO IS HERE. GIVE ME THIS MATCH. Oh baby, you're so much better on mic than you’ve been. Hello Kevin! I want nice things for you. And here's Orton, aaaand here's Trips, sigh my kingdom for a clean open.

Bellas vs BAD, and there's Nikki doing some lovely things, but this is just somehow not… engaging? I don't know, I might just be tired. But oh FUCK Tamina with a flying fucking clothesline, oh damn, and there's an end worth sitting up for. Aaand then a mess of a brawl as everyone piles in, that's not shocking, I can't wait for this division to settle into itself so we can

New Day! vs Los Matadores. I love New Day so much, so much, god. And Los Matadores really are just today's Rockers, aren't they? Really entertaining and capable, but will never get any kind of real success. Anyway, there’s a match! That happened.

TRIPLE THREAT! Poor Kevin Owns, you get it from the start, that seems like an unpleasant place to be. Oh Orton, what a lovely roll out of the way of Owens' seton… this is a kinda jerky match but each of the individual sections is really nice. Orton T-bone suplexing Kevin is really wonderful to watch, and poor Cesaro being one with the floor. ("Sbarro section"!!!) It's heating up nicely, it's good to see them all working together, strengths and spots and back and forth. The tableau between Orton and Cesaro after Cesaro tried to go for the pin on Kevin after the double suplex… ah, lovely. And Orton with a god damn double Hangman's DDT, way more lovely than it had ANY right to be, god damn. And there's Kevin Owens’ fallaway slam into the barricade, it mOVED SIX INCHES, and there's Cesaro with a fucking flying corkscrew european uppercut dive, LANDS ON HIS FUCKING FEET, FUCK MY LIFE I LOVE YOU CESARO. And then THAT, THAT FUCKING PICTURE-PERFECT CORKSCREW, FUCK. Oh damn I love this match. Owens off the top turnbuckle for a seton bomb CESARO KNEES UP, ohhhh fuck, oh fuck, OH FUCK THIS ENDING, POP-UP? NOPE, LEAPFROG, RKO, and motherfucking SECOND RKO, I love Randy's look around like 'which one should I pin?'

Oh no Dean Ambrose and Roman Reigns being such good good friends. I love you stupid goobs. Especially since Reigns is so easy on mic these days.

Dean! vs Harper!! I love this matchup! Poor Byron, getting the shit end of the stick each and every time. This is so brutal, good nod to Pillman from the commentators. LOOK AT THAT LOVELY SIDE SLAM OH FUCK HARPER. Look, god, look at Dean throwing himself out of the ring… EYY DEAN, killiing Wyatt, that's a strong move, and Waytt coming for Dean, and REIGNS!! DISCUS CLOTHESLINE ohhh fuck me, I love Harper so much…

MizTV with Daniel Bryan, poor guy. Look at this new and exquisite level of douchey attire. And now for the five minutes of 'Daniel Bryan' chants. And oh, Big Show. Yess, the 'please retire' chant! Hi, Ryback. Mm, boys, you're making me root for Miz.

Rusev! With Hot Summer, and Lana on mic, fighting Mark Henry. Again. Oh my god this hurts, fuck my life why is this catfight storyline unending? Oh good, it's a Lady Accolade, are we done now?

Oh Barrett, you're alive! With, uh… no entrance! Like a jobber! Vs Neville. Neville's kick to the face! And oh my god, Barrett, you won King of the Ring and became a jobber ;___;. Time for Stardust to antagonize the guest, and HAY LOOK AT AMELL, LOOKIT THOSE LEAPS. Goodness. Well, that's what the boys'll be doing at Summerslam, then.

Orton vs Rollins!! Rollins is 100% winning this, but it should be an amazing ride. I love watching them jockey for position, and Seth spinning into the corner, spinning off of the turnbuckle, RKO - SLIP OUT, and Orton rolling out of it and Seth rolling out of the ring entirely, oh what a good sequence. Rollins! Flying neckbreaker!! And a standing one! Ohhh darlin, you're good at your job. AAAA ORTON, fuck, look at this shit… and Rollins NOPING out of the match, getting his belt and going home, except there's an Orton! And hah, commentators being meta about needing a Spainsh announcer's table. Avada Kedavra! And oh, lord, it's a superplex. I love how this entire match is counter-counter-counter… AAA SETH DOING HANGMAN'S DDT, aaaa oh man. And counter-counter-counter, oh man, oh man, Seth off the top ropE RKO OH FUCK. And hi Sheamus, there's the way Rollins retains, and cash-in??? What the fuck??? Oh, I see, Orton missed his cue, that makes more sense.

Raw - August 3rd, 2015

Life has been busy, and wrestling is a lot of hours. Thus: a week late.

Oh no, oh no, Roddy emotions. Oh no. Oh no….

And we're opening after that gutpunch with Seth Rollins in a new t-shirt. I really don't need to see a loving overview of Cena's gorse broken nose. And an… open challenge for the belt? Wow. Hahaha under 6' and 200lbs, though… Kalisto? Or Neville? YAY NEVILLE!

Neville vs Rollins, I'm so excited. Aahaahahahaaaaa bless youuuu Neville, that gorgeous, gorgeous swinging head scissors takedown, and then of course you land on your feel after going off the top rope… and motherFUCKER corkscrew moonsault off the top rope to the FLOOR, what the fuck Neville. I love this match. I love these wrestlers. What the FUCK that the FUCK WAS THAT head scissors thing? And then Neville dead fucking lifts Rollins and into a suplex, oh god. This!! Match!!! A FUCKING FRANKENSTEINER OFF THE TOP FUCKING MOTHERFUCKING TURNBUCKLE WHAT THE FUCKKCJGJGKGKG, RED ARROW, OH MY GOD, ROLLINS' FOOT ON THE ROPE, oh my god, another Red Arrow, and A FLAT MISS HOLY SHIT, and PEDIGREE, oh my gooooooooood.

Primetime on commentary, yessssss. It's Lucha Dragons and Los Matadores vs New Day and The Ascension. Starting with a sequence between Kofi and Kalisto, yessss. "Commentary again? I'm glad you're fighting champions!!" Bless u, Woods. And oh man look at this. Look at these crazy fucks. Poor Ascension, and there are some weird miss-timed things going on, but I love Titus O'Neil tearing the commentary team apart. And fuck, look at Woods on the corner, KICKING EL TORITO IN THE FACE, ahahahaaaaa and New Day wins, yay for Kofi.

Charlotte and Becky vs the Bellas. This is a while lot of fun, and it's lovely to see Becky getting some solid ring time! Oh man, look at them go… even Brie's stepping it up, which is nice. They're so intense, Charlotte is just beyond belief and I am loving this so much. Fuck, fuck, look at this, fuck, what a perfect fucking t-bone from Becky, and there's the Figure Eight!

Oh good, Miz interviewing Cesaro and Kevin Owens in some exceptionally douchey pants and an unexpectedly lovely tribute to Roddy Piper. Ohh fuck, bless this segment, I'm so happy to hear Owens on mic being so…. Owens. And Cesaro on mic! You've been practicing!! And Miz's face in the background, oh man. Look at these men, I am scared of this feud because I want it so much.

It's Rusev and Hot Summer time ):. Oh, good, they won't be talking, it'll just be Rusev vs Mark Henry! Rusev hasn't wrestled in a million years… These evil fucking superkicks, holy balls, and goodbye Mark Henry.

HI BRAY. Ohhh I love you so much.

Time for Barrett to kill Zack Ryder, aaaaaaand yep. That was a match that happened.

PAUL HEYMAN! PAUL, I LOVE YOU. Oh my god, you just called Taker a little bitch. And Brock wants the stairs in the ring so he can tower over everything. I love Brock literally giggling to himself as Paul goes on with the latin, pretty good for a New York Jew! Oh I love it.

Paige vs Naomi! Naomi's doing pretty nicely here, and look at Paige catch her on that cross-body! And man, there goes Paige with her PTO and an immediate tap out from Naomi, alright. This match could have been better, but it was entertaining and I'm liking that they're highlighting technical tap-outs.

Orton, Ambrose, and Reigns vs Sheamus, Bray, and Harper. Mmm. Ambrose opens the match with Harper and it's ridiculous already. Reigns has been scaling up the aggression, it's great, and oh I love watching Bray work. His clothesline <3! And man, look at Orton powerslam Wyatt, fuck, I don't see him working against big men often and it makes it look even rougher. Dean outside the ring and FUCK I forgot about Harper's evil fucking big boots. Reigns drive-bys Wyatt on the announcer's table!! Superman punch to Sheamus, and Harper out of nowhere with a superkick, oh man oh man and fucking DEAN with a suicide dive from hell, through the announcer's table yessssss, and RKO to Bray and SPEAR to Sheamus aaaahahahaa what a fun end.

Raw - July 27th, 2015

(whoops, forgot to post this like, five days ago.)

Oh boy, Summerslam’s going to be a four-hour PPV? You know, I should be excited but all I can feel is this is a slippery slope… Okay, alright. Promoting random matches, and… here's Cena, right on cue, hnnnn. He's in full-on boring preaching mode, and ah, there's Steph being perfect, thank you. And, you know, Cena and Rollins work well together, so let's see it. (and that might solve my huge problem of this angle, i.e. the US belt being dropped because he’s done with it now that he’s going for the Heavyweight Championship.)

Ambrose vs Big Show, with Miz on mic, nice. HEY GOODBYE DEAN'S SHIRT I am so okay with this, shh, shh. Dean off the top rope, caught, poor Dean… and into a weird upside down submission, and Ambrose - unties… Show's… boot? Bless. This match is so oddly charming. A motherfucking DDT TO BIGSHOW WHAT THE FUCK. The chokeslam-counter-chokeslam was cute, and look at that superkick from Show?? And a spear? All of these count-out almosts, alrighty. Ambrose out again, and Show throws him back in, and suicide dive KNOCKOUT PUNCH! That was a lovely spot, wow, and this crawling count is pretty well-played, and poor Dean dies in the corner so well. Show through the barricade from a sidestep, and man is Ambrose someone I can appreciate shirtless.

Fandango vs Neville! Look at that submission, what the hell? Wow??? And man, look at Neville go. Squash for Fandango, aaaand there's Stardust! Yaaay! Neville's face, yes good, and aww Cody with the Dusty reference. Emotions ):.

Paige vs Sasha Banks, let's fukkin GO. This lockup is fucking intense. This is gorgeous already, fuck fuck fuck these women are so good - Sasha's run up the ropes, yes yesss. Paige catches the leg, throws her down, fuck! And a throwaway slam! This is what wrestling looks liiiiiiiike. Paige's super kick, and off the top rope, fuck yesss. And it's time for Sasha's reversal, god damn she can fucking wrestle, fuck. And it ramps up, look at this, look at this, Paige's short clotheslines and and the back and forth, oh man oh man oh man and Paige with a submission, and oh man BANK STATEMENT YES GOOD, what a good fucking match, fuck.

God fucking damn this promo with Rusev and Hot Summer is painful. Thank you Lana-with-hair-down for interrupting that and HAY that was a pretty sharply done throw down, nicely done Lana. Poor Summer, I'm sorry you're reduced to this…

Lucha Dragons vs Los Matadores, mmmmm yes give me all the lucha. Oh my god I can't even call this, it's fucking gorgeous, I love everything. (Titus O'Neil needs to be a commentator when he retires. The entire team is fucking on because of him - JBL dropping some knowledge about Puerto Rican bullfighters, lord.) And my fucking god, this fucking match, and there's New Day with a MEGA DAD sign, oh bless everything.

Braaaaay and Harper. Harper still not super on with the mic but this is solid, especially ramping up in the end.

Becky Lynch and Charlotte vs Nikki and Alicia Fox. These takedowns of Becky's, oh. And CHARLOTTE oh my fucking god I love everything, Alicia Fox's bridges, fuck fuck fuck look at these ladies go, fuuuuuck I'm just so happy, I’m not even going to bother to take my notes on this, I’m just going to watch the lovely. And BAM Becky Lynch, yess.

Randy Orton vs Kevin Owens with Sheamus on commentary, yes. That push from Owens, and Orton casually bounces off the rope and kicks, yeeeeeee. I love these two, so fucking savage and heelish and I love them both. Fallaway slam into the barricade from Owens! And Kevin with the Orton pose, be still my beating heart. And Orton's fucking backbreaker, god damn I'm just so happy. I just - Owens' beef with Cole warms my heart. Kevin goes for his cannonball and Orton with a fist to the midsection, yes yes yes, powerslam off the rope bounce, t-bone suplex, aaaaaaaaaaa I am so in love with Randy's move set, aaa. And there's the mic shuffle as Sheamus comes in for a brogue kick, yup. CESARO AAAAA launches over the top rope to fly into Kevin, going back in, and Owens with a pop-up and screaming at Cesaro's prone body and oh man oh man give me this triple threat.

Cena vs Seth Rollins, and let the quality of this match please outweigh the outcome I can't help but dread (Cena Wins). Good solid start, interesting watching Cena turning a hip toss into a strength move, interesting watching Rollins scale his wrestling itself toward strength, and look at picture-perfect suplex! Mm, mm, nice, Rollins is so excellent and there's Cena's random fucking tornado DDT, niice. This is super great, they work so well together, I'm so pleased. YOOO and there's Cena with a busted fucking nose! Yikes. Pause for the physician, back together and Rollins just flips out of it, gorgeous, springboard stunner, AA, lands on his feet and KICK, Cena to his knees and Avada Kedavra, aaaa I love that sequence… Cena's nose looks awful, fucking SUPERPLEX INTO ROLLTHROUGH INTO SUPLEX??? Aaa, aaa, PHOENIX SPLASH and ohhhh what a mean miss, Cena just kneeling under it, and STF and drawback and tap out, wow, okay, I can deal with this ending because that was a great fucking match.

Raw - February 19th, 1996

Razor vs Goldust to open the show for the IC title, people are throwing trash at Goldust and Marlena during their intro and hey, he's got new makeup! Razor spitting on Goldust, whose suit is just about crawling up his butt… he's so much taller than Razor, ahaha - DAMN that's impressive for Razor to catch him off the jump, damn, and dumped over the top rope!! Yikes, Dustin, what a bump. AHAHA and Goldust walks off to the back for a count-out, no belt for Razor! Ooh, "I don't want your belt, I want your ass." Really now, Razor, I don't know if you mean what that means. And ahaha, "Roddy Rowdy Piper," you done fucked up son. This promo is actually pretty trash, meandering and vague, but it's over now.

Wooooow did they not have enough stuff for this Raw? This set of promos is more than five minutes long… oh hey Vader, time to fuck shit up for Barry Horowitz and Aldo Montoya. And the ref is… not trying to do anything about it? Alrighty. Time for Ultimate Warrior promo!!! Didn't he extort you last time he was allowed in the WWF, Vince?

Marty Jannetty, with no fringe but with mullet still flowing in the wind, vs Tiny Baby Stone Cold Steve Austin, who Vince just called a "stone cold individual" - I guess they were already in the process of shifting his gimmick backstage? "That look in his eyes - he is stone cold, heartless." Oh yeah, they're shifting things. This match isn't much to care about beyond the breadcrumbs of what is to come, they're not working terribly well together. (someone has a really shitty "Why are you watching Raw when WCW is on?" sign - ah, and the back has the "WCW, where the Big boys Play" tag line. and HAHH SECURITY TAKING THE SIGN AWAY, EXCELLENT.) Win for the Ringmaster, and yep, there's Vince with a third time: "Look at his eyes - stone cold he is."

Mankind promo, aaaaaaaaa this is so good and creepy and I am so excited!

The Undertaker vs Tatanka??? For some reason?? Nice smoke effect for Taker's entrance, though. Tatanka was always barrel-chested but he's gotten soft in the belly since he was wrestling regularly. How do you botch taking a big boot - all you have to do is literally run into it. HEY, DIESEL! With an axe? Oooh that's dark. Okay, he's towing the cameraman to the back, and I think I know where this is going… yep, goodbye, casket. Tatanka with a piledriver, that's new and different. You know, if they wanted to feature the casket getting destroyed you might have wanted to, you know, light the scene.

Another Billionaire Ted thing, except it's a "Larry Fling" thing now. Ahaha, 'Randy' calling about hair loss, 'Terry', the Huckster, asking for a day off after being hit by a lady's shoe, and then a whole bunch of questions-as-accusations, excellent. I'm shocked a slander suit never went through!

In Your House 6

You know, I appreciate viewer-discretion Sunny in all of her awkwardly written glory. Anyway, we open with another promo that underlines the rising quality that WWF's already getting in their videowork, which is awesome, and then it's time for a gimmick match.

Razor Ramon vs 123 Kid in a Crybaby match, with the loser getting a bottle and a diaper and god, why must these gimmick matches exist? At least it'll be a good fight. Lovely acrobatics for the Kid, and man, Razor really is unparalleled at this time at making every single strike look solid as stone. Aahaha, not just any powder into Razor's face - baby powder. Okay, I'll give them that one. A million-year sleeper hold… you know, they worked together really well, which makes sense for how long they've known each other but is really nice to see. Baby power time again, and OH nice reversal on that, kick the hand and into the Razor's Edge, and ohhhhh the pull-up at the end of the cover, did not expect that! Another Razor's Edge with that great shrug 'eh, why not?' and a satisfying win to be followed by a really annoying gimmick post-match. At least we get a DiBiase powder-shot… and man, that is a terrible tantrum to watch.

YAY Hunter Hearst Helmsley, with Miss Hilton, and HAH having the ref step the rope down for her. God, against Duke the Dumpster Droesey, whose hair Trips apparently cut a couple of weeks ago, and one day they will stop putting him against 'gross' dudes but today is not this day. Yiikes, this is actually a better fight than I could have hoped? Droesy is brutal. What a trip to the floor for him! And then into the stairs like a freight train! Gorgeous high knee, oh. God damn Trips’ hair is so lovely in this match, god, shining locks of honey and wheat and that narrow waist, please excuse me yes there is wrestling to watch. Amazing back body drop from Droesey, spinebuster and powerslam and the finisher, except he gets out of the ring for his trash can and LOL he tosses the lid in and it hits Hunter square in the head, jeeze. Yesss it's a sneak attack with the lid, ahaha, and his hair is still ~*perfect*~.

Oh no, it's Yokozuna on the mic, there goes any shred of suspension of disbelief that he's Japanese and not Samoan. Him vs the British Bulldog, and this is going to be rough. It's not… it's not entirely a horror, but I'm still looking forward to this being over. Davey Boy is actually turning it up nicely, he's really making this match not a complete void. Mm, Samoan drop from Yokozuna… Jim Cornette wailing on him with the racket, DQ and now it's time for him to die. it's Vader for a run-in, and noooo goddddd I don't want this feud.

Marlena and Goldust fucking laying on and stroking the America Online dude, ahahahahaaaa perfect. They still have no idea how to do his audio, either he has to stop whispering or they have to start micing it better.

SHAWN MICHAELS VS OWEN HART!! Ahahahaa Shawn starting out on the roof of the entrance setup, how the fuck are you getting down, my darling? A FUCKING ROPE TO SWING DOWN ON, MY GOD SHAWN ARE YOU FOR REAL WITH A BEAUTIFUL DISMOUNT AND ALL. Mugging for long enough that your song has to loop, wow… aaaugh the cute little twiddling finger waves to the camera as he ignores Owen's taunting, and doing a lap of the crowd after sliding through Owen's legs, hugs for the little girl in full HBK regalia and a kiss to a random woman aaaaahahahaha I love him so much, Owen trying the same schtick SUCH A GOOD HEEL and Shawn off the top turnbuckle to outside and oh man, this match literally just started and it's already perfect. Walking on Owen after a takedown, damn Shawn you're in rare form tonight. THE HAIR PULLING, dong it just to fuck with Cornette, DOUBLE KIP-UPS, Frankensteiner and a then a GORGEOUS belly-to-belly by Owen. Camel clutch, and King claiming Owen invented it aaaahahaha. Shawn off the apron into a gorgeous powerslam from Owen, mmmm. Sharpshooter time! And there's that enziguri, beautifully sold by Shawn, Vince actually has a nice note of disquiet in his voice as he talk about Shawn being unconscious… drag him back into the ring, silly Owen, wanting the pin when you as good as have a count-out. Gorgeous kip-up, gorgeous end stage, lovely lovely lovely what a good match. Now it's time for another session of Shawn Michaels mugging, will we get another strip-tease today? AW NO, HE HAS THE LITTLE GIRL IN THE SHAWN MICHAELS GEAR IN THE RING, AAAAA, DANCING AROUND THE RING, aND A HUG AND THEN HE PUT HER ON HIS SHOULDER AND DOES HE POSE, AAAAAAAAAAAA HOW FUCKING CUTE????

RODDY PIPER TIME!! I literally don't even care about anything he's saying because he's Roddy and I love him. Aww, he makes the Yokozuna/Vader feud official, but whatever he made a dick joke in the process and now he's there fucking with Cornette, and aaaaa that actually some real intensity with Cornette referencing Piper's past and glory days as 'no fear', building up to 'there's one man who ever scared you, and that's Vader.' Nice work on mic there, both of you, nicely done.

Diesel vs Bret Hart in a cage, for the belt - this is going to be slow and grinding at worst, but it'll at least be brutal and I can guess there'll be a good blade job to go along with it. Bret going for the knees, Diesel going for sheer power, no surprises so far… yiiikes this cage does not seem steady enough to support either of them climbing all over it. This is a seriously deliberately-paced match and it's not doing anything shocking, but at least there's a real intensity to it? Some nice choreography with the door, though. Bret's ring psychology is gorgeous, brutalizing that knee… and BAM he goes into the turnbuckle like a shot, god look at that rebound. I'd love for Diesel to bother selling his knee at all? AAAA THE UNDERTAKER THROUGH THE MAT? AAAHAHAHAHAHA HOLY SHIT, HOW FUCKING AMAZING. Bret win, and there's SMOKE pouring from the hole, aaahahaha ohhh mannnnn wrestling is the best.

Raw - July 20th, 2015

Ohhhh Undertaker opening! And that growl, aha. Ohh boy let's see how this feud goes.

Charlotte vs Brie, who is both Weakest Dragon and the one who needs to grind up to a certain level. C'mon Charlotte, bring her up! What a weird over the top from Charlotte, while Cole calls Tamina 'Tina', there's a lot of "ooh, what?" going on. Some nice still - look at that reversal from Charlotte into a roll-up, nice. Mm, Brie's dragging this down hard, but it's real time and the audience is super in on this, which is beautiful. Nice click-up into the end of the match, and Charlotte's over-the-top-rope kick is impossible, fuck.

Miz. Miz why are you trying to talk to Trips? "No. No. That's not what I wanted ;_;"

Los Matadores vs Prime Time Players, okay. This is fun, Darren Young is wonderful to watch and I love all lucha style, but Los Matadores have the very important problem that everything they do, the Lucha Dragons can do faster and more ridiculous-looking versions of. I know this was scheduled as a squash, but, still. HI NEW DAY! And LOL Los Matadores win off of the distraction! Beautiful, and there's the millions of dollars dance. "You're terrible! You're the absolute worst!" Bless.

Miz vs Big Show, and all I can do is shout RETIRE at the screen. Is this just going to be three minutes of Show throwing Miz around? Okay. I am super just ignoring his promo, all it means is he's not retired yet.

Hey, Paul! And now we're getting a locker room scene, this is so surreal. (Hi Curtis Axel's luxurious bleached mustache, a sign of all that hurts me.)

HI PAUL! Ohh that rolled into a lovely peak, the litany of A-listers who failed. And ohhhhhh what a good end and DONG, DONG, Paul screaming in fear, "I'm just the advocate! I'm just the advocate!" and there comes Lesnar like a fucking shot, wow. Time for the entire security team and the entire locker room to die. "This is awesome," chants the crowd, which is… not true. You know you don't actually need to hype Lesnar/Taker? Why not just a short, intense exchange of blows and then break it up? This was five minutes of terrible, awful brawl. AND WHAT RESURRECTION ANYWAY, HE WAS AT WRESTLEMANIA THREE MONTHS AGO.

Bray! With Luke in the background, what good lighting! Ah, they're letting him talk, too, to give him the practice. And it's actually going to be Bray vs Roman? Or will Harper be fighting? Or both…? HI DEAN!!!

So: Roman vs Harper! And Bray has apparently stolen poor Byron's chair. Ooo, that clothesline from Roman! Ayyy, and that kick of Harper's, I forgot how much of a monster it is. Lovely Suplex from Reigns, ok, ok, but I want this match to pick it up now. There are some lovely spots happening, but it's a slug-slug-slug-SPOT-rest pattern right now… Reigns sliding out of the way of Harper, who just goes over the top of the corner like a shot. One-armed Somoan drop! Uh-oh, there's Bray… ahaha, what a punch, where was Bray? And there's a double-driveby, nice. Ah, and there's Bray, DQ, and beat down, and this fucking tag feud is incredible - they've all feuded before and it's going to be amazing. Look at the interaction on this beatdown!

Rollins here to talk some shit. Yesss this is exactly how I wanted him to play it, shades and shades of our dearly departed Owen Hart. Calling in Lillian Garcia - AHAHAHAHA OH MY GOD YES, and taking the mic away JOHN CENA WHY NO WHAT WHAT WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE NO NO GET AWAY FROM THE CHAMPIONSHIP PICTURE OHHHH MY GOD OH MY GOD OH MY GOD NO STOP GO OH FUCK. I AM. NEARLY IN PHYSICAL PAIN FROM ANGER I COULD CRY NO FUUUUCK I DON'T WANT TO SEE HIM GET THE BELT AT SUMMERSLAM. I AM GOING TO THROW MY COMPUTER THROUGH A WALL. I CAN'T STAND HIS SMIRK.

Wait, we're having TWO women's matches tonight? This does not make up for Cena but it is definitely something amazing. Paige and Becky Lynch vs Sasha Banks and Naomi. Becky and Sasha to start, because they tore the fucking house down for their championship match… good start, good start! In with Naomi, and jeez, Becky bridging out of a cover, lovely. Paige with a nasty, gorgeous fallaway slam, oh. Naomi is fucking solid tonight, wowow, This is a nasty beatdown of poor Becky before the hot tag, yiiikes… Hot tag! I love these short clotheslines that Paige has added to her repertoire, and it's PTO, rolling outside interference, and BAM Backstab and Bank Statement, lovely.

I'm still not over Cena. I am so angry I actually feel thick-throated.

Oh no it's Lana giggling about Ziggler. Hello, Summer-in-a-suit! And hello, Rusev creepily standing behind Lana. Look at that kiss, wow, and the look he shoots Lana while kissing Summer, oh boy.

It's time for the three-man tag, which is an empty void in my heart because all I can think about is Cena. I can't concentrate, I can't actually watch this… and when I start watching I am so happy I was checked out beforehand because I HATE THE PATSY HEEL THING WITH OWENS AND RUSEV AND I GUESS SHEAMUS, WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO OWENS? Goodbye Sheamus, goodbye Owens, Rusev here to get FUCKED by the oddest trio of Cena, Cesaro, and ORTON. Poor babyface Rusev. Lana comes out to slap Summer, ok, ok, let this match end so my hell can pass away. (I started drinking during this match.) Triple finisher, AYYYY Giant Swing into RKO, alrighty that's a lovely finish I'll grant you that but fuck all of this Raw.

Battleground ‘15

It's the kickoff and it's R-Truth vs Barrett here in the ring, oh my fuck I'm scared. This is… this is a weirdly slow match? It's not as good as some that they've had and it's not like taking more time is doing either man any favors. Oh, thank god, it's win for Barrett, when will this feud end?

Okay, that’s done, and now for the main show and things I want to watch.

Sheamus vs Orton, and a resurgence of the 'you look stupid!' chant. This match - it's not bad so far, not at all, but it's also not what I was hoping for. Aaah, that Orton powerslam, I will pop every time…. And, you know, a few minutes in and they've warmed up nicely and look at that t-bone suplex! Aah, nice, nice, and superplex, lovely expression there Randy, cover, NICE timing on the kick out, jeez. Hangman's DDT, aaah I love you so much Orton. BROGUE KICK, ah, lookit that -Randy's moving immediately, no pin there, that’s different! Ooop, there's the four-leaf clover. This is being played really, really nicely, fingers on the rope but NOPE! Ah, there he goes, gets it. This picked up hard, wow nice and RKO, BAM, YES THANK YOU. Orton <3

Steph, I love you, I love everything about what you've done, I am so excited I could scream, I am so excited for this triple threat.

I love New Day on mic, I am full of happiness. They are so good at trading back and forth and playing off of each other and I can't get enough of their dumb amazingness. Kofi's dance! Let's see this match, let's DO THIS. Hello Prime Time! Look at Darren Young go! And jeez, Titus' chops. THAT LEG DROP! And Woods screaming, "WORST LEG DROP EVER!" Oh my fuck Young thrown out of the ring HITTING THE THE CAMERA are you okay Darren?! Xavier continuing to scream, oh I'm so happy. Jesus, Big E jumps into a slam while Darren Young laid out on the apron, god. Big E's abdominal stretches continuing to be the only good ones I've ever seen, plus the New Day rhythm beat out on the side, nice. "Taking him out with the triceps meat" god bless you Xavier. Fucking Titus O'Neil being frightening as always, and look at Xavier do that lovely trip from the outside, and Kofi with the DDT! Shit, shit, Kofi off the top into a huge punch to the middle by Titus, fuck. Chist, Darren, that suplex! Goodbye, Woods, damn, damn, Kofi leaping over Darren Young, goodbye Kofi, and now Big E - wow, wow, goodbye, what a great match!

Bray Braaaaaaaaaaay vs Roman Reigns I am so here for it. I don't much like Bray in the red pants but it presents a really nice visual contrast. Fuck that punch from Roman, laying out Wyatt who is so good at going down like a sack of bricks, wowowowow. And immediately into Bray back with the upper hand, I love the rhythm of this already. Bray's fucking shoulder tackles are more like body checks, god. That Somoan Drop!!! And Bray sidestepping Roman into the steps and then leaning on the Spanish Announcer's table cheerfully and tapping his head, oh lovely. DDT onto the ring apron, jesus, and Bray just walking back into the ring and pacing like an animal as Roman drags himself back in. Snap suplex, evil fucking seton, oh oh oh I am so happy. That smile. Roman fighting out of the headlock, almost there, slammed back down to the canvas and back into a headlock, and Bray's one of the only wrestlers who can make a rest hold feel like something engaging. Roman's kicks!! What the fuck! These back suplexes, aaaa!! And he goes for the drive-by and Bray spears him through the bottom rope, my god. Superman punch, caught into Sister Abigail but he gets out, aaa, aaaaa. Rope running into Sister Abigail, out and SUPERMAN PUNCH but a kick out, fuck fuck fuck. SPEAR but Bray KICKS HIM IN THE FACE, OH MY FUCK, and Roman turns around to go again because he's a monster but Bray with a right hook clothesline of hell. Sister Abigail and the tenderest kiss and Roman just powers out, ohhh my god this maaaatch… Bray has two chairs, oh no, and Roman rolls out and punches him so casually, Bray drops like a stone! Roman throwing stairs into the ring like he's been talking to Dean, and WHO IS THAT IT'S LUKE IT'S LUKE SISTER ABIGAIL AND IT'S DONE, IT’S OVER, I'M SO FUCKING HAPPY FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCKF UFCK.

TIME FOR LADIES TIME FOR LADIES. Brie Bella vs Charlotte vs Sasha Banks aaaaaaaaaaaaaa. (People shouting "no! no! no!" over Brie coming in instead of Nikki, haha.) Brie really is the weak link here but look at Sasha and Charlotte go! It's truly beautiful to hear the crowd chant for the women. The pace on this is kinda uneven because Brie is basically there as a non-factor to make room for the Sasha/Charlotte match, but here she is, and some nice strikes from her, actually, and here comes Charlottle, damn damn damn. Sasha landing on her feet from that suplex, into Charlottle's neck breaker, wow! And look at Brie actually work! Nice kicks, and look at Charlottle's spear, Sasha sidesteps and Brie is nailed. Oh, oh, Charlottle and Sasha tearing the house down, wow. And Brie is actually showing up! Look at this! No, no, go back in the ring, I don't care about Dive bowling I care about knock-down drag-out wrestling. Yes yes back in, and look at the Bank Statement shit shit shit, Brie throwing Sasha into the ring post, oh man, and FIGURE EIGHT ON BRIE, BAM DONE FUCK YESSSSSS.

Owens vs Cena, help me help me I might not survive this. "Come on John, we know the act, we’ve seen it for ten years, get out here, it's my title, it's my title," oh Kevin you are incredible. (A sign: "My dad said if I cheer Cena I'm grounded." Beautiful.) Cena got ups! And look at that punch from Owens, ohh. There is a ferocity to Owens that is just amazing to see, he's so good at this - swinging neck breaker?? Ohh. Catches Cena, puts him down like dropping a sack and then seton from nothing, wow jesis. Look at Cena go, wow, and off the top rope with a leg top, god, over halfway across the ring… Look at Owen's DDT! What the fuck that was gorgeous! SWANTON BOMB CAUGHT WITH KNEES UP. Shoulder tackle, shoulder tackle, he's just doing Cena now lol, going for the you can't see me and nope! Into the STF, god, lovely. T-bone backbreaker, jeses, and King says it best: “I didn't know what it was going to be, but I knew it was gonna be bad for John Cena.” Spingboard Stunner caught into a german suplex, oh oh oh, cannonball and I'm so happy. Kevin leaning out: "You're calling it like you should call?" I love you. Cena's loving these Canadain Destroyers!! They're so good, fuck, and I - I just got it, they’re destroying a Canadian. Owens catching Cena off the top rope into a power bomb, fuck fuck fuck. AA and kick out, kickout!!! Oh my god what the fuck Kevin off the top rope what the SHIT. "Cole! COLE! Watch this!" Kevin Owens and look at that FUCKING SUPERKICK! INTO AN AA!! AND THEN AN STF!!!! Cena with his gorgeous fucking tornado DDT, Owens bounces, christ. Springboard stunner and he hits it but a goddman clothesline from Owens in reply almost immediately, oh my GOD THIS MATCH. Oh my GOD t-bone SHOULDERBREAKER my fucking CHRIST. AA, SECOND AA, AND A KICKOUT! AAAAAAAAAAA!!! Cena's clothesline spins Owens around in the air, oh god, and POP UP POWERBOMB and a kickout I can't handle this my poor heart is full of love to bursting. Owens to the top and nope says John, and AA FROM THE TOP, ohhh KICKOUT OH MY FUCK OH MY GOD OHHHHHHH WHATTTTTT ISSSS THISSSS MAAAAATCH. Owens can't even stand, flops to the ground, ROLL UP OH MY GOD no, no, okay, STF time, okay, god, and the drag back, and TAPOUT OH MY GOD KEVIN OWENS TAPS OUT OH MY GOD. OH MY GOD THIS MATCH. OH MY GOD.

Ryback is on the bench but Miz is coming out? I hope so much that Miz and Show aren't fighting, I can't see that match being worthwhile - oh, okay, he's not in ring gear, ok, I have tentative hope. What a lovely new douchebaggy outfit, nice. "When the going gets tough, Ryback gets injured." Miz, you are so good at your job. "And in my opinion, Big Show's been missing since the Attitude Era. And if he was smart, he would do what everyone in the WWE Universe wants him to do, and retire." YESSSSS. Show comes out, just lays the Miz out, and leaves. Gorgeous. What a good use of the dead spot!

IT'S CHAMPIONSHIP TIME. HOW PUMPED AM I? SO PUMPED. And we start with Brock picking Rollins up and just driving him into the corner, seemingly until he gets bored. Beautiful, and Rolls weasels out of a supplex and to the outside, runs like a rabbit away from Lesnar, god I love this already. HEEEEEE AND THE SUPLEXES BEGIN, these lovely lofting things halfway across the ring, Heyman counting in the background, Rollings bouncing clear off his back and onto his stomach each time, god god god I love this. And HAHAHHAHAHA Rollins grabs his title and just starts walking, LESNAR HURDLES THE BARRICADE LIKE NOTHING AND CATCHES HIM YES GOD, TOSSES HIM OVER, bless this match. Suplex, god… six? Is that six? And another one SETH ROLLINS LANDS ON HIS FEET. These kicks, they sound like coconuts hitting a wall, god, Pedigree COUNTERED INTO AN F5 doesn't go through but god. Lesnar to the outside, suicide dive, suicide dive, Lesnar nearly gets back in faster than Rollins and BELLY TO BELLY SUPLEX JESIS, rolling German suplex time I could weep this is so beautiful. Lesnar screams his rage, are we up to 11 now? And that slap, how is Seth still alive? Suplex, christ. And Seth from his knees jumpts up to slap Lesnar, suplex, "unlucky number 13" and an F5, he's boneless, he's dead, cover and UNDERTAKER? UNDERTAKER? U N D E R T A K E R????????? OH MY FUCKING JESIS CHRIST OH MY GOD OH MY GOD. LESNAR'S FACE. OH MY GOD. CHOKESLAM - NO, F5, NO, OH MY GOD, OH MY GOD, TOMBSTONE, OH MY GOD, LESNAR IS DEAD AND I JUST. No, look, he stirs, and Taker pauses as he steps out and - he comes back in, and THERE'S THE SIGN, ANOTHER TOMBSTONE, OG MY GOOD CHRIST, OH MY GOD. OH MY GOD.

Raw - July 13th, 2015

Hahaha the car was crushed, yes good, what a good start to the show, and time for the Beast and Heyman themselves! Fuck, Paul, I love you. Ooooooo Seth interrupting Heyman, ohhhhhhhhh. Seth's FACE, god, that POUT. Poor Rollins, "an inanimate" is such a tough line ):. Kane going on about the contract signing, and Heyman just interrupts and calls Kane the Undertaker's 'baby brother', which the crowd picks up nicely, and oh boy this will go well.

Ryback and Orton vs Sheamus and Big Show, with Miz on commentary. Randy was really unmotivated to help Ryback there, hah. Not much of note happening, but it is nice to see a solid amount of engagement between Orton and Sheamus running up to Battleground. Watching Orton DDT Show is kinda like watching a mountain fall in slow motion. Oh, there's Miz with the mic, and there goes Miz, running for his life! Nice ending from Orton, and frog splash from Ryback, aka RVD.2

Ambrose vs Bray, yes good. AYYYYY AND REIGNS BEHIND BRAY WYATT AFTER WHEN THE LIGHTS GO UP AFTER HIS ENTRANCE AAAAA. And Dean is literally leaning against the announcer's table, watching with his chin on his fist, aaaaa I am so happy about this. Bray hits Roman in the face with the lantern

Nikki is just talking and talking and she's not actually as terrible on mic as she once was? Not that there was anywhere down to go. Haay, it’s Steph! Oh my god - OH MY GOD IS IT TIME FOR THE NXT WOMEN TO COME UP??? Okay, Paige is here now, please, pleeeeeease - BECKY LYNCH FUCK FUCK FUCKF UFKC YES! AND?? AND? CHARLOTTE CHARLOTTE C H A R L O T T E YESSSSSSSS. Aaaaa a a aaaaaa I could weep. Oh Naomi and Tamina guys guys SASHA BANKS YES. YESSYEYEWHIDSFKLDKLFJHFIGHFDGKLFGJFKDGFD YES. YES I AM HERE FOR IT. AAAAA OH MY GOD AAAA THIS IS AMAZING, THIS BRAWL IN THE RING COULD HAVE BEEN A CLUSTERFUCK BUT IT ISN'T, OH IT ISN'T, IT IS BEAUTIFUL. AND LOOK AT THAT TABLEAU, LOOK AT THESE WOMEN, FUCK MY ENTIRE LIFE I AM SO HAPPY I COULD GODDAMN WEEP.

OKAY. Okay. Okay I can concentrate. Oh my god did New Day just reenact that one gif, holy fuck guys. Hi Prime Time Players plus Mark Henry. This is a match that is happening! I dunno, it's fun but I cannot c a n n o t focus on this after what just happened for Women's Wrestling. Xavier Woods' afro is free! Mark Henry wins! Congrats!! WOMEN'S WRESTLING!!!

King Barret vs R-Truth, who is no longer King Wassup. This is a good match! As usual! Truth is so fucking fast in the oddest fucking way! But why is this feud continuing! Fuck! R-TRUTH WINS, FUCK FUCK FUCK and he has the fucking cape and crown and plunger ohhhhh my goddddd.

Cenatime! And he's not even talking! VS RUSEV YES. Hey Kevin Owens! I love I love the edge of brittleness and desperation he's added to his mic work. "Stupid French-American or whatever you are!" "Take that flag, and STICK IT UP YOUR CHERNOBYL, BUDDY" YES AND CESARO. And Cena just quietly peaces out, what a good heel, ohhhhh LOOK AT THIS TRIPLE-THREAT. I don't even know how to take notes on this. This is a gift from god. Cesaro LIFTS MOTHERFUCKING RUSEV OVER HIS HEAD FOR A VERTICAL SUPLEX. And Rusev with a cannonvcall of his own to return for Kevin Owens', what. Fuck! Fuck!! And they're not even doing the roll-out thing to keep two men in the ring!! There are so many pair spots, so many chain spots! Oh my god!! What the fuck was that even - Owens attempting a superplex of Rusev, and then Cesaro just - what!! Owens with a springboard tornado DDT!!! Rusev off the top! What! Cesaro suplexes BOTH MEN and even with the kickoff jesus CHRIST that is amazing. And CESARO OVER THE TOP ROPE, ROLLING IN THE AIR, KILLS BOTH MEN ON THE OUTSIDE. FUCK. Owens screaming "HE'S MINE" and slapping Cesaro, and then the same to Rusev, ahaha. He gets beat down and aaaaahaha Owens peaces out, he is fucking done. Springboard spinning uppercut, holy mother of god. Rusev from the ring apron pulling Cesaro out of the ring, into a verTICAL SUPLEX TO THE OUTSIDE??? FUCK HE LANDS ONT HE RING APRON AND FLOPS BONELESS TO THE FLOOR. And Cena is going hard heel on this commentary, wow wowowow. Oh nooo Cesaro setting Rusev up on the top rope, FLAP JACK INSTEAD, and RUSEV OFF THE TOP, misses, face plant, jesus. Cesaro with a cross-face, Rusev rolls out and picks him up, look at this match LOOK AT IT. Giant Swing, Sharpshooter, rope break and Rusev on the outside, GORGEOUS SUICIDE DIVE MY GOD. I just - super kick, and wow, oh my god, Rusev for the win and I am blown away.

And now, after all of that, Cena vs Rusev. God. Poor Rusev, he is just wrecked, and there's Cena just bouncing around. Rusev sells like no one else, just lets ugly pain go across his entire face… and he is absolutely the face here, he can barely stand but he keeps getting up, gesturing for more, wow. Wow. AA setup, and Rusev slams him down instead intO THE ACCOLADE OH MY GOD. Cena powers out but Rusev rides the rally and he's back in the Accolade, and KEVIN FUCKING OWENS YES. How much of a face is Rusev? All of a face.

No one cares about Tough Enough; or at least I don't.

STARDUST STARDUST STARDUST I LOVE YOU WELCOME BACK. And VS NEVILLE GOD IS REAL. Ohhh my gosh I am so happy, and there's Stardust, with chants of 'Dusty' in the crowd. I've missed him in the ring, wow oh wow, LOOK AT THAT WEIRD-ASS SLAM, WOW. They have such good back and forth, there is so much speed and unrelenting exchanges, and TIGHTS-PULL WIN YES I AM IN ON THIS FEUD SO HARD. YESSSSSSSSSS WELCOME BACK.

Contract signing time, this will be good. Oh Heyman, you are so incredible on mic, wow. Look, a signed contract! And Seth moved so fast when Lesnar flipped the table, wow. Brock putting the table back neatly, sitting back down with the stick at the edge closest to Seth, aaaand - yep, watching it all go to hell is pretty fun. Kane is dead, Seth takes the fuck off, oh boy. And for the last bit: Seth in the ring, nearly screaming with rage, and going in dark on Kane, and yesss there's the kick to the leg I was waiting for. Battleground is going to be fun.

Raw - July 6th, 2015

Brock Lesnar and Paul Heyman to open the show, yessss. "My client, Brock Lesnar, is the god of violent retribution." God, Heyman, you are majestic. Please never stop.

LOOK AT THESE PHOTOSHOPS OF KANE, OH MY GOD. Bless. Bless the person or people who did these.

Big Show vs Ryback with Miz at ringside, AGAIN, SIGH. Ah, and there's the 'please retire chant', and Miz on mic with the 'OHHHH' on mic as Show chops Ryback in the chest, and then starting a 'one more time' chant, boy you gon get nailed. "Missed me!" Hee. Miz is fucking flawless tonight, jesus. Show off of the second rope with an elbow top, jeez, and then Miz comes in and fucks everything up, aaaaand then gets killed by them, mm. Well, the best part of this was Miz on mic, unsurprisingly.

I'm so happy there's more photoshopped Kane. Thank you.

Brie vs Paige time. This is actually not terrible, and it's largely because Paige is doing everything but still, Brie not being actively terrible is a victory in and of itself! And there's nice spots with Nikki and Alicia Fox, and win for Brie and a beatdown. Nice!

Roman Reigns vs Sheamus. This is actually solid! Sheamus has been working well these last few weeks, actually - this is engaging and well-paced and incredibly physical in a really good way. Sheamus fixing his hair, lol, and I really appreciate Roman's selling. And - YES THERE'S BRAY. Superman Punch - wait, a wig? WHO IS IT THAT YOU PUNCHED? Countout win for Sheamus, ohhh man how, how is it they're booking this feud so well?! This is perfect, this is perfect, aa. And Orton! Nice stuff outside, wow, and RKO from possuming and kicking the briefcase out of the ring, ahaha. Boys, if you could actually put together a good match with intensity like that and not a sleepwalk I'd actually really like this feud.

I love Rollins going to Daddy for advice. How long is this team player Seth going to last? Oh Trips, did you really just tell Rollins to call Brock out? Do you want him to die?

Rusev and Summer, hh. "Snake, blond-headed witch of a Lana, who calls herself woman." Good lord. "Don't waste you precious words, hot Summer." Good lord. What is this? And Ziggler out with Lana, and the girls taking off their shoes, and LOL RUSEV BEATING ZIGGLER WITH HIS CRUTCH. AND A SUPERKICK, AAAHAHAHA. Off comes the boot, Summer kicks Lana out of the ring, and Rusev wails on Dolph, takes his second wind, and bounces Ziggler's neck off of the crutch, yes maybe now we can move away from these truly painful segments and into real wrestling. I appreciate the crutch beatdown, I really do.

Bo!! I've missed you so much! vs Dean Ambrose! Haha, and the crowd: "Let's go Ambrose” vs “We Bolieve" Nice back and forth and I don't expect a long match but - ah, nice, Dirty Deeds and done. It's nice to see Bo on Raw :'D

King Barrett vs R-Truth, noo I thought we were done with this? Please? This is a solid match, with good spots and back and forth, and LOVELY Bullhammer catching Truth off the top rope for the win, but I just - every match between them hurts Barrett and I can't deal with that.

Seth Rollins is here with J&J and some sticks to call out Brock Lesnar, oh boy oh boy. "Are you the Beast everyone talks about? Or are you just Paul Heyman's bitch?" And the crowd's predictable and all-encompassing OHHHHH. Brock's out there and Paul has a box of… OH NO FIRE AXES, GOODBYE CAR. J&J's expressions are fucking priceless, jesus, and watching Brock Lesnar destroy this car is goddamn exquisite. Fuck my entire life, how far did he throw that car door? Noble dies; Mercury dies by suplex onto car; and Rollins waiting for him in the ring - NOPE WOW ROLLINS BOOKS IT, aaaahahahaaaaaa perfect.

Lucha Dragons vs New Day, with Prime time Players on commentary. Christ, the Dragons are beautiful to watch. I just. Kallisto shouldn't exist. Prime Time is hilarious on mic, and oh no flying Lucha Dragons. This match is amazing, Titus is amazing, I love everything. Titus calling the match, chatting about both teams, and JBL asks if they learned numbers down in Florida re: two on three and Titus snaps back that he has two degrees on the wall, and how many does JBL have? Oh jeez, Lucha Dragons flying again, but Big E with the catch and oh no, goodbye Kallisto, and win for New Day.

Cenatime, with a rousing chorus of 'John Cena suuuucks!' Hi Kevin, with intensity and brittleness and rage - CESARO??! YES. What is this, he's actually engaging and intense on mic? Wow, yes, give me Cesaro’s rising star. Owens actually steps out of the ring after Cesaro's challenge? Oookay this will be such a clean match, no Owens interference at all~. Cesaro is a fucking monster, doing a squat with Cena in position for a vertical suplex, fuck. AA - no, Cesaro counters with a DDT!! Ohhhh yessssss I'm so happyyyyy this match is gold already. Five-knuckle shuffle - nope, Cesaro is up and Cena puts him back down, five knuckle shuffle - NOPE, countered with a cross-face! Look at this match! Cesaro for a Giant Swing, and Cena fucking CURLS UP into a DDT, what the fUCK. Running European Uppercut on the outside, scary, and ohhh Cesaro off the top rope into a roll through into an AA LANDS ALMOST ON HIS FEET what the fuuuuuuuuck this maaatch. Springborad off the rope for a SPINNING UPPERCUT OH MY FUCKING GOD. (Someone with a Waylon Mercy sign? That's a throwback.) Cesaro back-body-dropped in a lofting arc into the time-keeper's box, ah. Cena off the top rope with a leg drop, oh wow… toss-up uppercut, that fucking altitude, oh woooow. AA - KICKOUT. Giant Swing, Sharpshooter into cross-face and Cena reverses into STF, fuuuck, SUPLEX FROM A DEAD HOLD. Botch of the springboard stunner, Neutralizer and a kickout - god damn. Cesaro countering a tornado DDT attempt with a halt and a flapjack and people are chanting his name. I am so happy. AA FROM THE SECOND FUCKING ROPE, IT'S ALL OVER, and I'm kinda shocked that Owens didn't - ah, Kevin Owens with a pop-up - no, Cena hops over and AA and out goes Owens, huh.

Cesaro just main evented. Leave me here to die :’D

Beast in the East

Jericho vs Neville to start, I'm so excited. Look at these submissions from Jericho! And the Japanese crowd is great, I love their response, and Jericho and Neville are just picking it up. Flying around, offense for offense and Neville taking some great bumps, less ridiculous high-flier spots, more incredible exchanges and sequences in the ring and on the mat. Jericho might not wrestle much anymore but he shows the fuck up. Double axe-handle off the top rope from Chris, nice - and up to the top rope, Neville block and flapjack to Jericho!! Red Arrow set-up and he rolls through it instead, and Walls of Jericho! Ohhhh this match, ohhhh. Standing shooting-star press, and Jericho with a lionsault, ohhhh. Neville springboards and into a CODEBREAKER OH MY FUCK. Look at that superkick!! Red Arrow OH MY GOD KNEES UP, FIRST TIME KNEES UP ON THE RED ARROW, AND LIONTAMER, AND DONE. YES. FUCK.

Paige vs Tamina vs Nikki, hm. This is actually a pretty interesting dynamic, Tamina as heater and Nikki and Paige working… really well together, actually!! Good pacing, and Tamina's kinda rough but this was really well done. Let them just continue to have nice things in the women’s division, pleaaaase.

Kofi vs Lesnar, ohhhh poor Kofi, please don't die? Oh, and look at this face, that is the face of a man who drew the short straw. Bell rungs and Kife is outta there, oh fuck. And then in the ring, and Brock is just no-selling, ahahahahaaa. Kofi gets some strikes and drop kicks in, but no, it's suplex time. Welp, that was a squash, and how amazing is his contract, to have a less-than-five-minute match but have the thing named after him? Whoops, more suplexes, and all of New Day comes in and gets killed in turn, poor babies.

Finn Bálor vs Kevin Owens, and this is gonna be good. Finn's entrance is goddamn bonkers… oh, look at the flowers for the championship match! And OWENS CHUCKS THE FLOWERS INTO THE AISLE FUCK YES. Good start with Finn launching himself at Owens on the outside. They work so well together, and WOOP - "That won’t work with me, buddy." Owens with his fucking crucifix reversal… Aaa he's such an exceptional heel, playing with the crowd so casually, to such response, aaaa. Look at that strike as Finn starts to jump over the ropes! Owens running the ropes into - a rest hold, LOL. "Are you not impressed? I don't care, I hate this stupid country and everyone in it." AHAHAAA FIVE KNUCKLE SHUFFLE I LOVE YOU. Finn flying around, oh, oh this is good. Coup de Grace, which is not a finisher I like, but still - and kickout!! Jockeying on the top rope, ohh, and FUCKING SETON FROM THE TOP ROPE WHA TTHE FUCK. A second seton attempt but knees up, and Finn slinking across the ring - run into a nasty fucking kick holy shit. Owens slapping Bálor in the face, oh boy. And Coup de Grace a second time, and - win! FINN IS CHAMP! Ohhh and Finn offers his hand for a shake, and Owens flicks sweat at him and leaves, looking shellshocked.

Barrett vs… Kane??? Wait, no, they're TAG TEAM PARTNERS? Okay then. It's them vs Ziggler and… Cena! OKAY THEN. And Ziggler has three vests on, oh wow. I'm not gonna lie, I kinda dozed out for this, I have watched a lot of wrestling today and I don't really care about a lot of this matchup, especially since I’m still fairly dazed from the NXT Championship match? Anyway, Superkick from Ziggler, AA from Cena, but isn't Barrett legal…? Ah, run that back, and pin Barrett.

Raw - June 29th, 2015

Oh my god oh my god the sad piano music over the recap "Will you… take me back?" Amazing. "My friend, and my mentor, Jamie Noble." I don't think Seth can do this for more than another week. Oh my god, apple watches. And - I swear to god if he got a painting done of Kane I will lose it. And it's - oh fuck, it's a trip to Hawaii. Kane is perfect - "and debate what living animals I can throw into a volcano" - jesus. And Seth bought J&J a new fucking car, I - that's the Price is Right music, oh my god, oh my god.

Oh look, it's Mark Henry vs Big Show, aka the World's Slowest Match, with the Miz on commentary, ad oh good it's over now. Except, ah, there's Ryback, and down goes Show and there's Miz with a big boot and oh, ok, their match is right now.

Run, Miz, run! It's kinda hard to watch Ryback hit him, with how small he is. Holding Miz upside down, marching around the ring, for over thirty seconds, haha… you know, though, Miz is doing his part and making it not a joke for him to be in the ring with Ryback. This is not going to be my favorite match but it's gone to a good place. And - Miz throwing himself boneless out of the ring and running, beautiful.

Paige vs the Bellas - wait, no, vs Alicia Fox plus outside Bellas. Nice! This is nice! I'm so happy to see Fox in the ring again! Just such lovely back and forth, good spots from both women… WOW ALICIA FOX TILTAWHIRL BACKBREAKER. This is a real match, this is a real match with real time. Oop, distraction from Nikki, roll up and - rollthrouh! ROLL THROUGH PIN FOR PAIGE AAAAAAAA!!!

Cena vs Kevin Owens for the US belt! Ohhhh what a good heel move, 'nah might as well wait to Battleground'. Who's he introing? CESARO HI HI HI CESARO!! (oh fuck I love Owens on commentary so much.) Catching Cena in mid-air into a powerslam, aaahhhhhhhh. I love this match, wow, and Owens is perfect on commentary, "Let me cut you off right now, Michael, because no one wants to hear what you have to say." Cesaro sets up for the swing, does a slingshot instead, into a spRINGBOARD STUNNER WOW. AA, Cesaro lands on his feet, TOSS UP SO FUCKING HIGH INTO EUROPEAN UPPERCUT AAH OH MY GOD. STF, Cesaro worms out and - into a Sharpshooter what the fuck. Cena's tornado DDT always catches me by surprise, ohh wow. What a sharp slugfest back and forth! (Owens throwing his headphones off to take a swipe at Cole, beautiful.) SHIT CESARO, YOU'RE TERRIFYING - running full-out down the ringside to European Upptercut, christ. Canadian Destroyer from Cena, holy shit!! Neutralizer, and kick out, and two definitely-not-middle fingers! A giant swing, and another Sharpshooter, gorgeous, and - Kevin Owens, oh I love you.

IT'S TIME FOR BRAY TIME. Ohh my god. Be still my beating heart he is perfect.

Lucha Dragons plus Prime Time Players vs Bo Dallas and New Day, I AM SO HAPPY, THIS ALLIANCE HAS BEEN A LONG TIME COMING. Xaview Woods and Kallisto to start, and WHAT THE FUCK KALLISO!!!? Bo getting tossed around like a sack of flour, haha. Darren Young slamming him into the ring apron, and then Bo crawling away between Big E's legs to get away… the rotating kick-down in the corner, oh my god. The end-stage is here and pretty goddamn gorgeous and I am so happy.

Ziggler and Lana, here to ~*go public*~. I have no faith at all. This is so painful. (What a good sign: "Dolph go to 2nd".) Rusev here, and Summer, aaa, nooo… this is such trash :'D. Oh god, Summer, I'm so sorry, what are the writers putting in your mouth, and whoop there's the slap across Lana's face, and there's the cat fight. Right.

Hi Dean! Hi Roman! Look at you two being brothers! Adorable.

Neville vs Sheamus, oh boy. Neville is so small and fast and Sheamus is so solid and deliberate, it's actually doing nice things here. Neville kicking higher than his head, and JBL notes how well Sheamus blocked that with his jaw. Look at that fucking picture-perfect moonsault… ugh. You know, it's so nice to see a slow dude speeding up to meet the fast dude instead of the fast dude slowing down. Red Arrow! Nope, Sheamus kicks him off, and - yep, Brogue Kick, there we are, good match!

JACK SWAGGER!!! vs King Barrett, who I pray for. It's so lovely to see Swagger, and - hey, Bullhammer! That was fast. Well, okay, they're repairing Barrett now, I am so not complaining.

Reigns and Ambrose vs Kane and Rollins, with the car there to get fucking demolished. Kane getting killed by Roman and Dean, aww all he wants is to throw animals into volcanos! Whoop, down you go Dean. Wait, why is this a tag match now, guys you know it's no DQ, right? Rollins catching some air out of the ring, ouch, and there's Dean getting a table, ohhhhh boy. Nope, says J&J, and Reigns is there to break the pin, and oh jeez, and Mercury with a kendo stick across Roman's back, and oh my fucking god he goes in and murders everyone. The stick is BROKEN. And - BRAY WYATT!!!! YES!! Oh boy, Roman's dead and it's two on one, and Dean gives a valiant effort but it's time to die. Checkhov's table comes into the ring, Dean gets set up and here's Roman to clear the ring! But Kane with the chokeslam, and Seth in his face and one last rally - but there's the Authority circling the ring, and this is really compelling. Reigns goes up - and Reigns goes down, through the table. Ohh what good use of your talent and storytelling. And he's still getting up. Whoop, and there's the Pedigree, done now. And - fuck, from the back, with no music or intro, Wyatt comes walking. Kneeling Sister Abigail, ohh ohhhhhhhh I love this.

Nitro - February 13th, 1996

Oookay, it seems that there was no Raw this week - the episode listed on the Network is actually for the 19th, and it seems to not exist at all when I look to the internet? Well then, it's Nitro time, and I find myself sighing. The midcard is perfect, but the entire topcard is bloated and grinding and I'm beginning to really tire of it.

Hugh Morrus vs Randy Savage to open, and Macho without the hat, no coat, no glasses, good use of expectations. The match itself is really nothing terribly worthwhile. A second elbow drop? That's nasty, Macho Man - as much as the match wasn't good, the story is being conveyed nicely.

Okay, we have a WCW Nascar dude, let me try hard to care less. Oh, and then it's Scotty Riggs vs the 600lb newest addition to the Dungeon of Doom, the Loch Ness Monster, and I find myself longing to go back to the Nascar dude. Neverending no-sells, a mother fucking botch when Loch Ness was supposed to catch Riggs off of the top rope, holy god is he actually slower than Yokozuna?

Miss Elizabeth, Woman, and Ric Flair promo, with Elizabeth on mic, and it starts out so awfully but then, bless, Naitch gets on mic and I'm so happy. And then it's back to Miss Elizabeth and my goodness no wonder she was never on mic back in the day.

Dangerous Devon Storm vs Konan!! There is promise here, Konan is great and Storm is being promo'd as a suicidal high-flier, nice. Hey, setting the chair up for a fucking flying springboard! Not as good as Sabu, but still. Konan catching him into a power bomb, lovely, and while they're not terribly smooth together there's a lot of nice stuff going up. Ohhhhh boys that was super awkward, all of that jerkiness and setup for a teeny little apron spot? And nn, two awful kicks and he nearly rolls through the go home, Devon Storm I am disappoint.

Arn Anderson vs Hulk Hogan, oh god poor Arn. At least I can expect some Flair interference. (’BISCHOFF IS SATAN’ SIGN, OMG.) I'll repeat it: poor Arn - this is just Hulk at his most gratuitous. The slingshot into the ring post from the floor is pretty good, I'll give you that, Hogan. Yoo, and the tape choke while the ref isn't looking, though aughghghghhh Arn doing the 'time out' sign, fuck, god damn, this is awful to do to a man like Arn. At least he finally starts going for the eye, and RIC! Just in time for Hogan to start hulking out uhhghhhghghgghghhghhhhhhhhhhh, and stylin’ and profilin’ at Ric, who runs to get a chair to hit him with, and Hulk putting Arn in a figure four and Ric runs in and it's a shitty fucking rollup so Flair's shoulders are down as well and I just!! Am so angry!! Where's the DQ for Arn? Okay, Woman has powder for Hulk's eyes, and then Elizabeth with the shoe again, and oh jesis stop it with these trash heap main event matches? Oh look, and now it's a post-match beatdown, my poor precious Horsemen, and christ Macho's there and why the fuck am I watching this?

Ric Flair running up to the announcer booth, bless, and he breaks the headset getting it on, and adsfjfdkfjsdhxfs why is Hulk rushing up now?? FUCK IT'S SO TERRIBLE THE SOUND IS OUT AND THERE'S FEEDBACK. They get Gene Okerlund up there with a proper mic at least and it's over, thank god.

Superbrawl '96

Public Enemy vs Nasty Boys in a street fight to start, which is going to be special. Rocco Rock has a table with the tablecloth still on it, classy, and oh jeeeze, Saggs murdering him with a chair, and Rocco Rock through his own table, launched from the ring apron… haahaha the casual backhand with the trashcan lid from Saggs, and then a piledriver onto the trashcan itself, fucking monsters. Suplex through a table, the fight's in the back by the stands, just stumbling through a back-ally fight - Rocco Rock climbs into the stand to fucking moonsault onto Knobbs dead on the table, he rolls out of the way and yikes. Nasty Boys for the win, and you know, that was kinda fun but ECW-style doesn't super translate into a main promo without some consideration for the different setting?

Johnny B. Badd (with the Diamond Doll) vs Diamond Dallas Page, and I hope this is the top of their chemistry and not the boring baseline they’ve kinda been doing. I actually like Badd's moveset a bunch, and they're doing nice spots and sequences actually! I don't care about the angle or characters basically at all at this point, but this is a fun match so far. Aaand then it slows down, break of momentum with DDP showboating and engaging with the Diamond Doll, and this million-hour rest hold, nn. Okay, picked the pace back up a bit, and I'm liking some of these near-falls, Badd does these sweet smooth roll-ups, and this is a good end-stage! Clean solid win for Badd, alright!

Harlem Heat vs an imploding Lex Luger and Sting. Luger and Sting's little discussions, Sting's disappointment with his friend… it's pretty nicely done, though I'm not sure if that's just me glad that this angle might ever have an actual conclusion. (Sting's vertical leaps are ludicrous, especially for a man his size and build.) (Haha, Biscoff bringing up WWF's 'hotdogging'.) And then Road Warriors coming in to fuck up Stevie Ray so they can fight Luger and Sting later, poor Harlem Heat.

One Man Gang vs Konan, the Mexican Heavyweight Champion who now has the US Championship Belt? Alright, he was fun to watch. Thankfully One Man Gang is no longer Akeem the African Dream, because that was terrible in every way. Konan really is good at his job, though, a lot of power but coupled with grace and speed. "Fist him in the head" - no, Dusty, no, and don't you encourage him Shiavone. Jeez, though, this match - timing is suuuuper off, stepping or rolling away sometimes when the move hasn't even been launched completely yet…. whatever, Konan wins! Yay it's over.

Kevin Sullivan vs Brian Pillman in a strap match, not an "I quit" but an "I respect you" which should be ridiculous. Well, Pillman starts absolutely whipping Sullivan immediately, and Sullivan just holding on, the strap's not even on either of them and then Brian rushes the ref -- and says "Taskman, I respect you"?? What? And then he runs off? Uh? Well, at least Sullivan looks as confused as I feel, and Arn Anderson coming out in street clothes…? Oookay, so it'll be Arn Anderson vs Kevin Silluvan in an "I respet you" strap match, and Arn immediately just uncorking. Good reversal, Sullivan is just savage. YOO Arn loops the step around his neck and flips him over the top rope, supporting his entire weight only on the strap, going to hang him are you? And now Flair is coming in, what a weird clusterfuck when Ric flair is the voice of reason. Group hug time!

The Road Warriors vs Lex Luger and Sting, and this is going to go so well. Well, Luger doesn't even want to get in the ring, it seems, and wow this is like ten minutes of time killing, really guys? Okay, well, we're starting with Sting and Hawk in the ring and at least that's solid. (Help I just realized I am only a little over halfway through his PPV? My life is cold and dark.) Sting, collapsing into a lowblow headbutt, haha… and HOLY SHIT Sting off the top rope to literally halfway across the ring. What a botched fucking rollup, what was that boys? And… and it's a double count out, what the fuck is this shit, we're just going to run this feud for another month now? Ugh, Bischoff, fuck your booking.

A million promos, Ric Flair being insane with Woman smoldering in the background, Macho being incomprehensible, and it's time for the title match (which is not the main event, of course, because Hulk Hogan must headline everything). After another million years of entrances and posturing it is time for the actual fight! It's a Christmas miracle! FLAIR LAYING THE REF OUT, and going back in for a STOMP, my precious special Naytch what does that even accomplish? bb. Good back and forth, a deliberate pace but good work and some nice spots… I kinda wish I wasn't spending most of this match annoyed at the match that's coming after it. Randy Savage with the figure four on Flair, long and dramatic and beautifully sold, and no rope breaks for you, Ric, it's a cage match!! With Woman screaming like a banshee. Macho breaks it to kick Flair in the head, nice, and MACHO MAN ON TOP OF THE CAGE, HOLY SHIT, DOUBLE AX-HANDLE into Flair's fist, oh mann what a bonkers spot for Macho in his condition. Macho's really good at hitting the cage and winding up draped on the ropes, this is the second time he's done it and it's so randomly elegant. Now Flair with the figure four, and ref, what the FUCK are you doing? Literally pulling Flair off Savage?? What? Is this why you had Flair beat him up earlier, so he could enforce a rope break here? Jesus Christ. Macho throwing Flair into the cage, grinding his face into the mesh, yikes. (I'm waiting for the blading any second now - whoop, there it is. Flair climbing to the top of the cage, Macho hauling on the trunks to try and keep him from getting there, and we have a full Ric Flair moon situation and the risk of full-frontal flashing, and I'm laughing hysterically but I really didn't actually need to see his ass - why couldn't we have Pillman about to lose his trunks, for example? You know, just putting it out there). LOLOL what a brave split onto the ropes shot, given how gone his trunks are, and Macho covers him and THE COUNT IS SO SHITTY THEY ACTUALLY RING THE BELL, what uselessness. Flair with his manic stylin' and profilin', Macho's down, and Ric goes to leave the cage. Which they haven't been attempting to do previous to this? And Macho back to pulling [him] down [by] his trunks. Woman trying to throw powder into Randy's eyes, Elizabeth haNDING HER SHOE TO FLAIR? Woowwww I knew she eventually betrayed Macho in WCW but yikes, at least it wasn't to give Lex Luger a win. Instead, it's Ric Flair with a mask of blood and his championship for the thirteenth time!!

Ohhh no and Hulk Hogan's come out, stalking after Elizabeth with a chair, that's dark. Inside the cage, Arn takes the hit across his back (when the fuck did you get in there, Double-A?) to give Flair time to escape, that's some nice choreography.

Do I have to watch Hulk vs the Giant now? I guess I don't, but I must. This match at least is specifically no wins except by escaping the cage, which is interesting given the size of the competitors - I can't really see the Giant climbing the cage. ('Hogan sucks' chant!!!) And Hulk with every heel move - raking the face, choking with a cord, biting, stepping on the throat of the Giant, wow - who's the heel again? That same motherfucking 'going for the slam' spot… and again HAH the Giant just lands on him. Such a bad match, though, god - plodding around the ring, a million-year bear-hug, broken of course by Hulk Hulking out. Chokeslam, and HOGAN'S PUMP-UP, FUCK YOU HULK, FUCK, AND THE SLAM, AND THE LEG DROPS, UGHGHGHHGHGHHHHHHHHHH. Oh hey, the Giant with an Undertaker sit-up! Fighting on the top rope, Giant falls like a sack of bricks, Hogan win, ugh. And the Taskmaster with a chair shot! Oh, no, never mind, Hogan is of course unaffected, and he has the chair now, into the cage with Sullivan and the Giant and now the entire Dungeon of Doom is pouring in and he's just destroying them all, christ I hate him. At least it's over now.

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