I held back tears the last time we’ve talked.
I’m sure you noticed that it will be the last time? For me it was an ending to something I’ve held onto longer than I should have. Closing the chapter that I kept rereading titled “US”
The truth is I looked back at you hoping maybe you were watching me go. Maybe then you would have given me a reason to stay. I walked away hoping you’d come after me. Hoping maybe it would hit you that it should have been ‘us’ this whole time. I still wish it was you. An ache in my chest made me realize how much I really did love you. How much I really did want you. How far I was willing to go. How I wouldn’t have given up on you if only you didn’t make me feel this way the whole time.
I wonder if there are times that comes in your mind that you really believed I could have been the one for you. I wonder if any of this was real or just a feeling I liked to hold onto. Because I deserve to be more than just an idea. I deserve a love that believes in me the same way I believed in you. I deserve to be happy without any hesitations. I just wonder if I’ll ever believe in someone that much again, sometimes I wonder if I would want to. I think part of me will always love you and value you, what we had even if I don’t know what really is that.
I think I knew the whole time I just didn’t want to believe it. When you invest time and emotions into someone you don’t want to be wrong about them. Maybe it was my stubborn nature that forced me to hold on longer than I should have. Your head always knows the truth even if it takes your heart longer to catch up. And I’ve always been someone to follows my heart more than I should.
Whispers of I love you in the dark were met with the heartbreaking reply, ‘I know.’ I knew that’s all we’d ever be, me constantly trying to prove I was worthy of being loved back. And you taking my love with you to build yourself up in a way that tore me down.
But if there’s anything I’ll do right in 2018 it’ll be letting you go for good.
Letting go of the idea that maybe one day we’d get it right.
Letting go of the possibility of maybes and hoping and wishing for a reality that’s only one in my mind.
Letting go of this idea of us because it was haunting me in a way and all I heard was your voice telling me to stay.
This is me, letting go of the feelings I’ve held for so long.
This is me, choosing to let go of the idea of us because that’s all it ever was.
This is me, letting go of the idea of us and forgiving myself for getting so lost in someone I lost myself.
And this is me, finally letting go of you. In 2018 I can only hope I meet someone I love as deeply as I loved you. But more than that I hope I meet someone who can love me the way I deserve. Because all your love did was leave me empty, thinking I was to blame for your inability to give me what I deserved. But most of all the things I hope for is healing in a way that I will never regret doing what I have to do. I can only hope you’ll understand me the way I understand you.
