[jenniferdiep]

my skin feels like it’s on fire.

there is no real relief from the pain you inflicted.

i try to bandage up old wounds; but the gauze doesn’t hold. i try to gloss over history but i am spilling out from the seams. lord, keep me from being a white washed tomb.

i want to live a life that is entirely separate from you. 

but i can’t get away from you, and i fear i never will. 

i want to peel off every layer of skin, get to the wounds that i worked so hard to push down, but i can’t scratch deep enough. 

i will call it what it is.

it was abuse.

no one else in the family will ever say it out loud. but i will. 

it was not okay. 

i hate that i hate you for it.

i hate feeling bondage to the fear over my head; even after 26 years. 

the fact that you still have this invisible, domineering hand over my life drives me insane. 

i try to put myself in her shoes. my pride would like to think that if i was in her position, i would have protected my daughters at all cost. but now i’m not so sure. 

lord, grow my in my empathy. fear is so crippling, who can stand under the weight of it without caving in?

to M - I don’t know how you survived the full brunt of it. what i received was a glimpse, a shadow, a drop in the bucket compared to the tsunami of anger you endured. forgive me of my selfishness. even now, as i hold a grudge against you for never talking to me about it; for making a mental list in my head of all the ways i feel you disappointed me. how could i fault you for running away from it? how could i fault you for not wanting to talk about the darkest parts of our lives? 

lord, son of david, have mercy on me a sinner. 

god, i admit, i do not know where to go from here. i don’t know how to pick up the pieces. please give me the relief i am needing. i am desperate for it. it is disappointing to me when i feel like i’m in the exact same place i started in; it’s like i never moved from. some people fight, some people fly, i just freeze and i hate that about myself.

lord, help me to fight those lies. you alone have the peace i am desperately seeking. you alone have the keys to freedom, for who else will i go to? please break the sin that has permeated all the way into the fabric of this family. it has its taint on everything.

please i am begging, reverse this curse. bring freedom to the captive, for i am the one held captive. help me fight for freedom that cannot be touched. break the fetters, set the prisoner free. 

[jenniferdiep]

Here’s to the unmade memories. 

The ones that happen in the un-foreseeable future.

They’re the memories that inconveniently never follow a timeline. 

They stubbornly refuse to be squeezed into a schedule or jotted into a calendar.

And still these are the moments we chase after, cling to, hold close. 

They’ll take us by surprise and then take our breath away. 

From songs sung to tall tales told 

To belly laughs that erupt in the middle of the night and bread that is broken and touched by many hands. 

It’s a beautifully cruel thing. By the time you realize you’ve made the memory, it’s already gone. 

Leaving us more full but with enough space for the memories ahead.

[cutekittensarefun]

[jenniferdiep]

freedom

Freedom is what my soul longs for

Golden joy

Inexpressible peace

A fullness from the sweetest of bread

A cup overflowing with the richest wine

A rushing river that cannot be stopped

Freedom that cannot be stripped, degraded or robbed

Freedom that calls me out and invites me in

Further, higher, deeper

Isn’t this what we’re all longing for? 

[jenniferdiep]

stuck on an invisible corporate ladder i don’t want to climb. 

[jenniferdiep]

your grace is rich.

your grace is costly. your grace cost your son’s life. your grace abounds, it abounds all the more. there is nothing that can out-sin it, nothing that can out do the majesty of your powerful love. your grace is too good, too kind, too undeserving and yet you give it freely away. 

i am sorry for when I cheapen it. 

i cheapen it with my empty words, promises, and fake repentances. i cheapen it with my selfishness. my self absorption and self addiction. i cheapen it when I chase after the wind, when I try to hold onto bubbles of emptiness, and moments of fleeting and deceiving self satisfaction. 

yet your grace is rich. 

it’s a grace that comes after me first. a grace that is not without effect. a grace that consumes absolutely all of me, knocking me off my feet and back on my knees time and time again. a grace so overwhelming and abundant, i get lost in it every time. a grace that tells me i am finally found. finally free. it is a grace that is deeply felt, undeniably real, and freely given, making it the richest grace of all.

[diaryofabryncess]

credit: olivecreativeco

[jenniferdiep]

[jenniferdiep]

[jenniferdiep]

[jenniferdiep]

The gospel frees us from the relentless pressure of having to prove ourselves and secure our identities through work, for we are already proven and secure.

[jenniferdiep]

Life in the truest, fullest sense of the word. (at T Bar M Camps) https://www.instagram.com/p/Bq5j48EHfVWKVQBN1uoxozK9EJLTOUuZGbLxU00/?utm_source=ig_tumblr_share&igshid=11ml61uvbecof

[jenniferdiep]

If the sun’s out, you best believe my tongue’s out😛 @michiahcimone💕 (at Austin Public Library) https://www.instagram.com/p/BqV56cbnfcBiXyCR6Ng0lHYapLk3HQ1BSyt0LI0/?utm_source=ig_tumblr_share&igshid=lt2k3gag9m4l

[jenniferdiep]

Lord,

Please don’t let me sit in sin. It kills me knowing that the same sin that I let rule me since I was 10 years old, still has power over me. It completely devastates me. 

It scares me that the person ruling over me is not you. It’s either myself or someone else, but it’s not you. It makes me sad to think that I am doing so well in you, and to realize that my heart hasn’t been matching my words. Please forgive me.

God, I’ve prayed before that you would take all of me. I don’t want to be scared of that prayer, but I know that I am. How short I completely fall overwhelms me. I know that the work that is left to be done in me, can’t be left of to me or else it would never get done.

I thank you for promises that are true. For TRUE hope, a hope that has already been given. I pray for healing and wholeness and holiness. I pray for frequency in looking to you. For a heart that has learned how to put others above myself.  A heart that is ruled by you. 

Teach me to live in true freedom. I don’t want to be slave to sin. 

[jenniferdiep]

all the sweetness in the world (at Thrall, Texas) https://www.instagram.com/p/Bnety5Klerg-f_BkyrTobwVZK8cnl4oKw7dUis0/?utm_source=ig_tumblr_share&igshid=15p1i6vxxz4u3

[jenniferdiep]

[jenniferdiep]