I’m sure this won’t ever find it’s way to you. I’ve been telling myself I was going to do this for a while, but could never find the words to say. I know that the tumblr community and the 1d fandom are some forces to be reckoned with, though. And I’m slightly hopeful that this will find it’s way to where it’s meant to be.
I’m Emily. I’m 22, and I live in Louisiana. That’s me and my mustache tattoo, me and my best girl, and me and him.
I’ll try to keep this brief. In 2013, I found myself in a really disgusting time in my life. I ended a three year long relationship with a boy I made promises to, and a boy that I was sure I was meant to be with. He had broken my heart a little at a time, and eventually, it was just too much. By ending things with him, I broke his heart in the process, which was never my intention. And I truly hated myself for it. I was struggling in school, living in a crappy dorm, and for the first time in my life, I felt completely alone.
And then I met Matt. February 2013. We met under some pretty ‘lol’ circumstances and it probably should have never gone any further than it did, but boy, am I thankful. We never dated, and he was never mine. Our times together happened over the course of roughly eight months, and I only wish I had more time with him. I would give probably anything to go back and do whatever possible to extend the tiny part of my life that was exposed to Matthew. He made me feel alive, probably for the first time in my life. He was so spontaneous, and funny. It wouldn’t do him justice to say he had a spark. He was the entire inferno.
I knew that he changed me. I knew on this one particular day, when I got a glimpse of who he truly was. I saw a part of him that I hadn’t before, and I knew then that he was definitely something special. But he didn’t know that. Maybe he knew that he was funny, and that he could obviously light up a room. But he didn’t understand the extent to which myself and everyone he was associated with needed him. Months after me and Matt stopped spending time together, I still felt like I needed to tell him how I felt. So I did. Kind of. I was entirely too scared to go all in and tell him everything, but I tried. The last words I ever spoke to him were “it doesn’t matter.” Talk about closure, huh?
Matt took his life on September 17, 2014.
And the spark he had given me had burned out, yet again. The boy who was so alive, wasn’t. It made absolutely no sense to me that this man, who I thought was invincible, could be so broken. Then I realized, I was broken again, too. The part of me I saw when I was with him wasn’t there anymore.
I saw One Direction in concert on September 25, 2014, and I knew there was also something special about these five young men, too. For being five guys, my age, who have been so lucky to do everything that do, they seemed so level headed. They had so much fun and I could just see them beaming, from my 600 level nosebleed seats. I found solace in these boys.
And they deserve a thank you. Each of you holds something special, and I could never express how much you all mean to me at this point in my life.
But Harry, thank you. Thank you for being so alive. Thank you for making every concert and every crowd feel so important and special. I never thought I would be so emotionally attached to a band before, but between One Direction and Mayday Parade, boy was I wrong. There’s just a fire about you, and everything you do, and it’s the same type of fire that I saw in Matt. It’s so special. Don’t ever forget that. I see it. We see it.
I always kind of laughed at the girls who get so excited at concerts and about these strangers, until I became one. We’re all the same. Maybe we’re different ages and dealing with different things on different continents, but everyone has a struggle, and everyone has a way of coping. & maybe that’s what makes this insane fandom a little special. I guess I’m a little overly emotional, but it’s so refreshing to know that next week, I’ll get to see you all again. Well, four of you. (Secretly hoping Zayn just pops up though.)
Less than two weeks, and I get to feel that same feeling again. I’m not the same person I was before Matt died, and I’m not sure that I ever will be. But on July 31, in Indianapolis, with my best girl, I get to see these insane fools one more time, and hopefully it won’t be the last time. We’re driving from New Orleans. That’s roughly 700 miles.
Take this as a thank you, Harry. Thank you from myself and everyone else in this fandom who deals with this life and finds peace in y’alls music. Thank you for your hair, too. And gold shoes. I guess this is probably the most scatterbrained thing I could have ever written, but I’m running out of time, and it needed to be said.
Emily.
atticusfinch.tumblr.com
#letterforharry
Edit: Aug 4, 2015 I’m not quite ready to give this up yet. I know that there have got to be more people who have dealt with similar life experiences, and considering all that 1d is dealing with at the moment, why not try and get something rather positive to Mr. Styles. He deserves fully to know how important he is as a person.
izzy806
germansingergirl
jacobvanloon
