I can't make you love me.
It is often said that those who love you can hurt you the most. Well ain't that the understatement of recorded history. To love is to welcome death into your open arms and maybe it will take you and maybe not but holy freaking guacamole it is worth it because for a second your own heart was residing in another's body. For a moment it was worth it because you were theirs and you were safe and wanted and they said it was forever, he promised it was forever but he didn't love you for forever. He didn't even love you for a year. And so you watch him leave your heart still beating in his chest.
Two days ago as I lay in bed crying, phone pressed to my ear, you said to me, "I just don't want to date anymore" . As I muted my phone, my spare hand covered my mouth to hide the pitiful whimpers that were uncontrollably bubbling up and out from in between my downward bent lips. For what felt like an hour but was probably thirty seconds I curled up into fetal position and tried to rock it all away. It wasn't real it couldn't be, I love you I love you I love you. Why can't I breathe. I had forgotten to, as I gave up on any chance of composing myself my lungs pushed forward violently desperately trying to inhale between the tears and more tears and more tears. I distinctly remember letting my aching limbs fall back against the bed as I picked up the phone again, you were mumbling something about how you didn't have to talk to because I guess that I wasn't anybody, or whatever.
"I just need you there for me as a friend." My eyes clamp shut, tears spill over down the sides of my face onto the sheets. I wonder exactly what it was that I was doing all of those hours I spent on the phone with you assuring you and reassuring you, and begging you to tell me what was wrong so I could make it better. Guess I must have imagined those late nights and good morning voice mails because...
"I just haven't felt connected to you lately". I completely give way to waves of sobbing as one after another rapidly roll over my body you tell me that you've been praying about it because you don't know what to do and you are so alone, well isn't that adorable. I finally found my voice and riding the momentum of of the waves that were still swirling around my body I flooded the phone speaker with all of the pain you had ever caused me. " THEN TALK TO ME", I have beg, half demand at the not-so-top of my lungs. "I HAVE ALWAYS BEEN THERE FOR YOU, YOU NEVER LET ME IN, YOU KEEP EVERYTHING FROM ME!".Three seconds pass without any sounds being exchanged between the two of us, I truly thought that I had gotten through to you. I also thought that you weren't a rat with a human shaped body, I was wrong. You, you perfect freaking douche bag with the beautiful eyes, you broke the silence and my heart all in one short sentence. Just as I regained control of my breathing..
" I don't love you, anymore." The waves come back except this time I cannot feel as the crash over me and over me over and over and over. I am numb. Okay, You don't love me, "I'm sorry" you say in your best I'm-not-actually-sorry voice. You win, as I laid in bed unable to process the tsunami that just ripped through me, I could not move, I could not think. I could only hear your voice that once sweet voice of yours playing in my head, "I will always love you." I replayed your promise over in over in my head just like I did every time I had felt unsure of myself that past month. You hung up the phone and you were gone.
Death pulled back my covers and got into my bed. But its okay because i welcomed him into my arms the second I decided to fall for you, that hot summer morning when you kissed my forehead in the Culver's break room where the cameras could see us. Now here we lay death and I, but it's okay because for a moment I was yours and I was safe and wanted and you said we were forever, you would love me forever. You couldn't even get yourself to love me for a year, And so I watched you leave me, my heart still beating in your chest.