High-Functional
Okay.
So there’s a lot that’s been going through my mind over the past few weeks. It was something that I couldn’t point out, or share, or even talk about. Recently, I saw this social media post that encouraged me to talk (or write) about it. I really don’t know what it is, but everyday I’ve been waking up in the morning feeling shittier and shittier than the day before. (Just to put it out there, I’ve been diagnosed with Major Depressive Disorder just recently, around 6 months ago)
I’m currently on psych meds, known as sertraline. And honestly, it’s helped a lot. It’s helped contain my suicidal thoughts for the past few months, and I’m not saying I haven’t had those thoughts again, it’s just that it’s not as frequent anymore. The meds has helped me get up from the slump that I was in a few months back, but over the past few weeks, I’ve been feeling empty, or dead inside. Like what I said, I don’t know what it is that makes me feel that way, but that’s just how it is, I guess.
One of the hardest things about my current situation is that I have ADHD. (Attention Deficit Hyperactive Disorder) The thing about having ADHD is that, it makes an individual naturally optimistic. So, if you guys are wondering how that works or mixes with my MDD, it doesn’t mix well. My ADHD, makes me want to be happy for myself, and it makes me want the people around me to be happy as well, but having MDD contradicts that. Although, I make jokes, I laugh, I hang out with friends, and I’m even the noisiest guy in the room, but deep down I know that I’m dying. ADHD makes me a high-functional person suffering from MDD, and that is both a blessing and a curse. How is it a blessing, well, I’m able to do some of the things that I’m supposed to be doing. It’s a curse, because I try so hard to finish those things, to meet those expectations, to be the best version of myself, but once I get into a slump, I’m just there. That makes me question everything, about my life, it makes me question if that is the best version of myself that I can ever be.
Being a high-functional person suffering from both MDD and ADHD, it’s not easy.
This isn’t a cry for help, or some petty little thing I wrote for a pity party, but it’s something I want to get out there. Something I wanted to share, because being where I am right now, and whatever it is that I’m going through, isn’t easy. So if you know, or think, anyone if going through the same thing as I am, message that person, ask them how they are, tell them how much you value them, or just show them how much you love them, because sometimes, it really is too late.