STILL NEWLY DEVIATED --- emotions rang strong within his form, coiling around every fibre in his being and making him feel as though his nerves were on fire. one emotion after another, each incredibly overwhelming and ready to crush him under its weight. but he couldn’t escape them, couldn’t tear himself away from the feelings of guilt and anguish that wanted to tear him apart from the inside out. he couldn’t even look at the other male, too scared that his inner tempest would be far too obvious, too raw and real. he couldn’t have pity, not after everything he had done.
“ i don’t d̬ͪe͆̎̄̚s͔̓͒͆̽ͮ͌̑e̦ͩ̍̿r̗̖̤̻̬̂ͅv̥̹̰̩̗ë̖̺̐ͤ͌̄ it. ” didn’t deserve the pity, nor did he deserve to give them the time of day. he’d torn a family in two, left a child without a father and now without the android she had seen as a friend. they deserved better than one who claimed to love them then did something so unforgivable. why had he been reactivated — just to be tormented with the ghosts of his actions, how was it that he wasn’t already behind bars, or back at cyberlife ready to be deactivated a second time. a response to his next comment wanted to come, but it failed to pass his lips. how could they care about him — if they didn’t know him. surely if they knew him they’d want nothing to do with him. thoughts whirred away inside his mind, spurred on by anxious feelings.
a jump, head whipping around to glance down at now partially conjoined hands. first instinct was to pull away, hand even shifted under opposing touch a little, but another — much stronger part of his mind told him to stay. the touch was soft, warm much like his voice had been, cutting through the ice cold blade of emotional thoughts. surely he should pull away, save the other from feeling the bitter chill that surely radiated from his form, a frigid winter compared to the warm summers day of the other male.
but he couldn’t do it, instead he found himself lingering, appreciating the touch while it lasted. gaze failing to tear itself away from the sight. a nod of the head, features twisting in pain. “ i would — i would do it differently. ” no bloodshed. he had been scared, hurt and angry, but they hadn’t deserved that fate. there had been other options, hidden behind the wall of fear but they had been there. teeth gently worried his lower lip, brow furrowed as whispered words passed his lips. “ i want to live — truly. ”
I don’t deserve it? It tumbled from those lips like truth. He’d bemoaned it with such biting clarity, spurning himself as though for those whims of the world: the sun rose golden, and the oceans roiled wetly, and joy and all redemption were never his to bear. Markus worked his brows, tension settling weightily upon them. As though weaving litanies through tongue, Daniel, with startling faith, subscribed to his guilt so completely! Truly, what mercy could a soul damned as his ever deserve? None, the answer came to him.
Had he a heart, Markus’ would have certainly laid splintering. Daniel, though so eager to spurn himself, to shoulder all his scorn, all his grief, all his pain, would not dare to part. Their hands remained together, still, tightly twined as those vines about a willow. Or, perhaps, he mused, anchoring fierce like roots to trees? Markus parted his lips slightly. Gingerly, he rubbed a soothing thumb about the jut of that wrist, feeling the steady slope of bone hewn from silver steel. That pulse was thundering. Was he nearing tears?
“And I want to give you that." Though he bled all the airs of concern, tender and warm and – oh, was his touch always so gentling?– there yet hissed a temper in him. Rising to his feet, the android took to lean in closer, the jut of his hip resting idly on the bed. He took care not to stand too tall – like a shadow, ominously lingering; looming – leveling his face so that it hovered comfortably. Their eyes met. Daniel’s shone like crisp Decembers. Markus’ held the shades of warm seas.
“To live freely, and to love and be loved? Daniel, I wouldn't be here today if I didn't." God. God. God. He was balmy, wasn't he, like the shores of a beach that bathed in sun? With hope, perhaps it'd bleed into the wiring of this Daniel -- crackle the sheets of ice that chilled his troubled heart. Like an ice age. Like long winters. "But there's only so much I can do. I can take your hand and raise you up, come and open your eyes, even, but to live your life? That's not on me. That’s all you.”
Nodding, he seemed steeped in tremendous thought. Gaze dipping, Markus' lashes fluttered. Gingerly, he rose his other hand and held Daniel -- still and anchoring. "Doesn't mean you've gotta go through it alone, though. All of this? Everything that I've done? It just made sure I'm by your side. And I don't know who it is you're saying doesn't deserve it, but I know it isn't you."