traiinwrecks.
— IT WAS A FLOOD THAT WRECKED THIS HOME.
independent . selective . private . multi - muse blog . nsfw & trigger heavy . written by rachel .

Andulka
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Alisa U Zemlji Chuda

祝日 / Permanent Vacation

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occasionally subtle
hello vonnie
Peter Solarz
$LAYYYTER

Janaina Medeiros
Cosmic Funnies

shark vs the universe
YOU ARE THE REASON

JBB: An Artblog!
PUT YOUR BEARD IN MY MOUTH
Lint Roller? I Barely Know Her

No title available
taylor price

titsay

seen from Germany
seen from France

seen from Italy
seen from Hong Kong SAR China

seen from Türkiye

seen from United States

seen from Germany

seen from United States
seen from Germany

seen from Canada
seen from United States
seen from Türkiye
seen from United States

seen from Türkiye

seen from T1
seen from United States
seen from United States
seen from United States

seen from United States
seen from T1
@jerseytrcsh
traiinwrecks.
— IT WAS A FLOOD THAT WRECKED THIS HOME.
independent . selective . private . multi - muse blog . nsfw & trigger heavy . written by rachel .
Send me a '✉' for five times my muse didn't text yours, and one time they did.
*whispers* hey come love my other son
tina belcher rp meme
annielovestohelp:
feel free to change the pronouns and things to fit your muse!
“danger is my middle name but i spell it r-u-t-h.”
“i’m no hero. i put my bra on one boob at a time like everyone else.”
“is it possible to be in love with twenty five people all at once?”
“that, goes in the butt bank.”
“uhhhhhhhh.”
“brr. it sure is cold in here. i wish some strong man would give me his jacket…or his pants.”
“if you need me, i’ll be on the floor. dying.”
“time for the charm bomb to explode.”
“here’s a bunch of numbers. they may look random but it’s my phone number.”
“i’m a smart, strong, sensual woman.”
“your ass is grass and i’m gonna mow it.”
“do you think horses get songs stuck in their heads?”
“i have a photographic butt memory.”
“by the way, with a cartwheel, are your hands or your face supposed to touch the ground first?”
“everything’s fine. look at my perfectly normal face.”
“it smells…exotic. like ranch dressing.”
“when he looks at my molars, it’s like he’s looking at my soul.”
“flirt a little, wink a little.”
“tough love. aka love, am i right?”
“he’s a bad kisser. but he’s a bad boy and i guess bad boys are bad kissers.”
“i don’t need a boy to pay attention to me, i’ll pay attention to myself.”
blamrps:
“I can be your John Cusack.”
“What you do on your own time’s just fine.”
“My imagination’s much worse.”
“Walking out on you is still the best thing I ever did.”
“Last night I saw my world explode.“
"Would you mind if I sat next to you and watched you smile?"
"I’m not the way you think I am."
"But that’s none of my business is it?”
“I guess I’m my own better half."
"This might be a waste of time."
"Get me out of this one-horse town."
"Good God, I wish I was tall."
"I can’t stand to be around you."
"I got a big mouth. Maybe you could handle shutting it up."
"It’s not like I don’t respect your opinion."
"This is the last song about you."
"I could have died with you."
"I said I loved you but I lied."
"I hope this is the last time."
"Where is your boy tonight?"
"You were the last good thing about this part of town."
"It looks like I’m still on my own."
"My smile’s an open wound without you."
"When you go I will forget everything about you."
"I’ve seen sinking ships go down with more grace than you."
"I know I should be home."
"I believed every lie you said."
"Boys like you are overrated, so save your breath."
"I want to hate you half as much as I hate myself."
"I hate the way you say my name like it’s something secret.”
“I wish I was as invisible as you make me feel.”
“I’ll tell everyone how much this means to me."
"You have to prove yourself."
"I can’t do it by myself."
"Are you through with me?”
“I still know the way to make your makeup run.”
“I’ll teach you a lesson for keeping secrets from me."
"You should try saying ‘no’ once in a while."
"Why can you read me like no one else?”
“We’ll make them so jealous; We’ll make them hate us."
"If you say this makes you happy then I’m not the only one lying."
"Nothing comes as easy as you."
"Can I lay in your bed all day?"
"You look so good in blue."
"I’m feeling young and reckless."
"We’re friends when you’re on your knees."
"You only hold me up like this because you don’t know who I really am."
"Sometimes I just want to know what it’s like to be you."
"Turn off the lights and turn off the shyness."
"I don’t want to forget how your voice sounds."
"Am I more than you bargained for yet?”
“Is this more than you bargained for yet?”
“I’m just a notch in your bedpost."
"Blame everyone but me for this mess.”
“We never had it at all."
"The only thing worse than not knowing, is you thinking I don’t know.”
“Are we growing up or just going down?”
“It’s just a matter of time until we’re all found out."
"I swear I’d burn this city down to show you the light.”
“No matter what they say, don’t believe a word.”
“Give in or just give up."
"Who are you fighting for?”
“I found the cure to growing older."
"You’re the only place that feels like home."
"Some secrets weren’t meant to be told."
"Progress report: I’m missing you to death."
"I confess, I messed up."
"You’ll never live this down."
"Why don’t you just drop dead?”
“I don’t blame you for being you, but you can’t blame me for hating it."
"You said you’d keep me honest."
"What are you waiting for? Kiss her."
"This has been said so many times that I’m not sure if it matters."
"We never stood a chance."
"I know this hurts, it was meant to."
"Your secret’s out and the best part is it isn’t even a good one."
"This is me and you until we’ve got nothing left."
"What did it ever do for me?"
"No, don’t turn out like me. It’s only for your own good."
"Even when there’s nothing worth living for, you’re still worth lying for."
"No one has to know."
"If you want to go down in history then I’m your prince."
"I’ve never seen a heart I couldn’t break."
"Fix me in 45.”
“The only thing I haven’t done yet is die."
"Seasons change, but people don’t."
"Don’t pretend you ever forgot about me."
"Wouldn’t you rather be a widow than a divorcee?”
“We don’t fight fair."
"That’s just the business I’m in.”
“I’m not a shoulder to cry on."
"Two out of three ain’t bad."
"I just want to be a part of this."
"I could write it better than you ever felt it."
"I thought I loved you."
"Till tonight do us part."
"Who does he think he is?”
“Thanks for the memories."
"He tastes like you, only sweeter."
"I can’t stop feeling sorry for myself."
"Take two years and call me when you’re better."
"I couldn’t bring myself to call."
"I’m addicted to the way I feel when I think of you."
"There’s too much green to feel blue."
"When I’m home alone I just can’t stop myself."
"Isn’t it tragic?”
“Take one for the team."
"The truth hurts worse than anything I could bring myself to do to you."
"Do you remember the way I held your hand?”
“Let me see your moves."
"Things aren’t the same anymore."
"Some nights it gets so bad that I almost pick up the phone."
"I know it’s strange."
"I’m supposed to love you."
"You’re appealing to emotions I simply do not have."
"Don’t worry your head. Just go to sleep."
"It doesn’t matter how you feel."
"Boycott love."
"I don’t care what you think as long as it’s about me."
"The best of us can find happiness in misery."
"These friends, they don’t love you. They just love the hotel suites."
"Say my name and his in the same breath. I dare you to say they taste the same."
"We had a good run. Even I have to admit."
"I don’t want anything inbetween."
"Why won’t the world revolve around me?"
"I’m in love with my own sins."
"I don’t just want to be a footnote in someone else’s happiness."
"Does your husband know?”
“I know what you’re going through."
"I wanna scream ‘I love you’ from the top of my lungs, but I’m afraid that someone else will hear me."
"You can only blame your problems on the world for so long."
"Time doesn’t care about anyone or anything."
"I will never believe in anything again."
"I love the mayhem more than the love."
"You’ll never catch us, so just let me be."
"If home is where the heart is then we’re all just fucked."
"What makes you so special?”
“Have you ever wanted to disappear?”
“Please take me back.”
“Please let me in."
"Doesn’t it feel like our time is running out?"
"You’re the antidote to everything except for me."
"I don’t know where I’m going, but I don’t think I’m coming home."
"Let’s be alone together."
"Do you wanna feel beautiful?"
"Anything you say can and will be held against you, so only say my name."
"I know I’m bad news."
"Letting people down is my thing."
"I know I’m the one you want to forget."
"I miss missing you."
"You can wear the crown, but you’re no princess."
"Don’t take love off the table yet."
"What I’ve got will make you feel more alive."
"Say I never mattered."
"I’ll check in tomorrow if I don’t wake up dead."
"You need to lower your standards 'cause it’s never getting any better than this."
"Are you ready for another bad poem?”
“You are what you love. Not who loves you."
"How’d it get to be only me?"
liebound :
❛ you are NOT niall lynch & you won’t ever be. & you’d get ahead a lot faster if you stopped TRYING— ❜ ronan didn’t move, & neither did declan, as if by saying their father’s name, gansey had CAST A SPELL. they wore matching RAW expressions. different wounds inflicted by the same WEAPON.
independent . private . selective . declan lynch . the raven cycle / book canon . *nsfw / triggering content . written by rachel .
derangcdarchive:
Send me “HC” + a word and I’ll write a headcanon about it.
bad idea starters.
rpmernes.
❛on a scale of one to ten… how illegal do you think doing this is?❜
❛okay, but, consider this: i don’t care. i’m gonna do it.❜
❛there are certain moments where i consider you someone with brilliant ideas and a good future. this is not one of those moments.❜
❛how hard is it to do a wheelie on a motorcycle? how many feet can you go, doing a wheelie, without crashing?❜
❛it’s three in the morning and i’m bored and you’re the only one awake. let’s break into a gas station store.❜
❛WHATEVER YOU DO, DO NOT FILL UP A “SUPER BIG GULP” CUP WITH 5 HOUR ENERGY AND CHUG THE WHOLE THING. MY HEART HAS EITHER STOPPED COMPLETELY OR IS BEATING SO FAST THAT I CAN’T FEEL MY OWN PULSE.❜
❛is it a bad idea to use mountain dew instead of milk in your cereal?❜
❛i heard if you suck up enough helium, your voice starts to sound really squeaky… wanna go buy some balloons?❜
❛can you cook bacon with a hair straightener? asking for a friend.❜
❛yes, i did beat him up and i will not apologize.❜
❛complaining helps the situation, like, not at all.❜
❛sooooo, i kind of adopted a puppy.❜
Joseph Kavinsky + Ronan Lynch
“I will burn you down,” Kavinsky said.
Ronan’s smile was sharp as a knife. He had already been burned to nothing. “You wish.”
Kavinsky made a gun of his thumb and finger and put it to Ronan’s temple.
“Bang,” he said softly, withdrawing the fake gun. “See you on the streets.”
richard siken sentence starters.
quotes are all taken from various poems out of richard siken’s poetry book crush. feel free to change pronouns/etc if needed.
❝ tell me how all this, and love too, will ruin us. ❞
❝ tell me we’ll never get used to it. ❞
❝ there are so many things i’m not allowed to tell you. ❞
❝ i swallow your heart and it crawls right out of my mouth. ❞
❝ i want it back now, baby. i want it back. ❞
❝ i’m sorry. we know how it works. the world is no longer mysterious. ❞
❝ that’s a nice touch. ❞
❝ i like him and i want to be like him. ❞
❝ i’m sure you remember, i was on the phone with you, sweetheart. ❞
❝ history repeats itself. ❞
❝ there are many names in history, but none of them are ours. ❞
❝ you could drown in those eyes. ❞
❝ but damn if there isn’t anything sexier than a slender boy with a handgun, a fast car, a bottle of pills. ❞
❝ sorry about the blood in your mouth. i wish it was mine. ❞
❝ i couldn’t get the boy to kill me, but i wore his jacket for the longest time. ❞
❝ you wanted happiness, i can’t blame you for that, and maybe a mouth sounds idiotic when it blathers on about joy but tell me you love this, tell me you’re not miserable. ❞
❝ there is no way to make this story interesting. ❞
❝ i want to tell you this story without having to confess anything, without having to say that i ran out into the street to prove something. ❞
❝ tell me we’re dead and i’ll love you even more. ❞
❝ you will be alone always and then you will die. ❞
❝ i’m sorry i came to your party and seduced you and left you bruised and ruined, you poor sad thing. ❞
❝ who am i? i’m just a writer. i write things down. ❞
❝ i take it back. ❞
❝ here is the repeated image of the lover destroyed. ❞
❝ you still get to be the hero. ❞
❝ what more do you want? ❞
❝ love, for you, is larger than the usual romantic love. it’s like a religion. it’s terrifying. ❞
❝ no one will ever want to sleep with you. ❞
❝ you know that recently we have had our difficulties and there are many things i want to ask you. ❞
❝ you had not expected this. ❞
❝ walk a mile in my shoes. ❞
❝ a man takes his sadness down to the river and throws it in the river but then he’s still left with the river. ❞
❝ you are weak and hollow and it doesn’t matter anymore. ❞
❝ hush, my sweet. these tornadoes are for you. ❞
❝ that sounds overly valorous. ❞
❝ do you love yourself? ❞
❝ i don’t have to answer that. ❞
❝ you wanted more. ❞
❝ i had a dream about you. ❞
❝ there’s nowhere to go. there’s nowhere to go. ❞
❝ in these dreams it’s always you: the boy in the sweatshirt, the boy on the bridge, the boy who always keeps me from jumping off the bridge. ❞
❝ will you love me even more when i’m dead? ❞
❝ you didn’t show up. i kept waiting. ❞
❝ i swallowed crushed ice pretending it was glass and you’re dead. ❞
❝ i don’t really blame you for being dead but you can’t have your sweater back. ❞
❝ you can sleep now, you said. you can sleep now. you said that. i had a dream where you said that. thanks for saying that. you weren’t supposed to. ❞
❝ hello darling, welcome home. ❞
❝ please keep him safe. ❞
❝ i just don’t want to die anymore. ❞
❝ you want to die for love, you always have. ❞
❝ you didn’t think you’d feel this way. ❞
❝ you saved my life. i owe you, i owe you everything. ❞
❝ please, just for one night, will you lie down next to me, we can leave our clothes on, we can stay all buttoned up. ❞
❝ you’re all i ever wanted and worth dying for, too. ❞
❝ drive into that tree, drive off the embankment. ______, make something happen. ❞
❝ we are not dirty. ❞
❝ you keep singing along to that song i hate. stop singing. ❞
❝ here is the sink to wash away the blood. ❞
❝ this is not harmless. you are not breathing. ❞
❝ i will come back from the dead for you. ❞
hunger games trilogy || starters
veilled.
feel free to change pronouns , tenses , etc .
❝ it takes 10 times as long to put yourself back together as it does to fall apart .❞ ❝ why am i not dead ? i should be dead .❞ ❝ having an eye for beauty isn’t the same thing has having a weakness .❞ ❝ i wish i could freeze this moment , right here , right now , & live in it forever .❞ ❝ no one really needs me .❞ ❝ remember , we’re madly in love , so it’s all right to kiss me anytime you feel like it .❞ ❝ i am not pretty . i am not beautiful . i am as radiant as the sun .❞ ❝ you love me . real or not real ? ❞ ❝ ally . friend . lover . victor . enemy . fiancee . target . mutt . neighbor . hunter . ally. i’ll add it to the list of words i use to try to figure you out. ❞ ❝ here it’s safe , here it’s warm .❞ ❝ i’m not like the rest of you . there’s no one left i love .❞ ❝ i’m very hard to catch , & if they can’t catch me , they can’t kill me .❞ ❝ stupid people are dangerous .❞ ❝ you don’t forget the face of the person who was your last hope .❞ ❝ you’ve got about as much charm as a dead slug .❞ ❝ my nightmares are usually about losing you .❞ ❝ for there to be betrayal , there would have to have been trust first .❞ ❝ destroying things is much easier than making them .❞ ❝ here’s some advice . stay alive .❞ ❝ they’ll either want to kill you , kiss you , or be you .❞ ❝ you’re not leaving me here alone .❞ ❝ well , i don’t have much competition here .❞ ❝ you here to finish me off , sweetheart ? ❞ ❝ i stand by what i said . do you want me to lie about it ? ❞ ❝ because i’m selfish . i’m a coward . ❞ ❝ you & me , we’re even . no more owed . you understand ? ❞ ❝ if we burn , you burn with us .❞ ❝ what ? do you find this distracting ? ❞ ❝ i can still rip your throat out .❞ ❝ where’s loverboy ? ❞ ❝ i’m the kind of girl who , when she might actually be of use , would run to stay alive and leave those who couldn’t follow to suffer and die .❞ ❝ the kisses have the opposite effect , of make my need greater . i thought i was something of an expert on hunger , but this is an entirely new kind . ❞ ❝ hope . hope is the only thing stronger than fear .❞ ❝ a spark could be enough to set them ablaze . ❞ ❝ kind people have a way of working their way inside me and rooting there .❞ ❝ whatever breaks you .❞ ❝ i am in pain . that’s the only way i get your attention . ❞ ❝ i’m not going anywhere . i’m going to stay here and cause all kinds of trouble .❞ ❝ imagine thousands of your people , dead . your loved ones , gone . ❞ ❝ i hate being so alone .❞ ❝ don’t make me sorry i restarted your heart .❞ ❝ they will kill us .❞ ❝ you know , you could live a thousand lifetimes and not deserve him .❞ ❝ please feel free to take this personally . ❞ ❝ at some point , you have to stop running & turn around and face whoever wants you dead .❞ ❝ aim higher in case you fall short .❞ ❝ some walks you have to take alone .❞ ❝ whatever breaks you .❞ ❝ well , you’re a piece of work , aren’t you ? ❞ ❝ isn’t it strange that i know you’d risk your life to save mine , but i don’t even know what your favorite color is ? ❞ ❝ you are my life .❞ ❝ i’m here to help you make an impression .❞ ❝ you have no idea . the effect you can have .❞ ❝ if desperate times call for desperate measures , then i am free to act as desperately as i wish .❞ ❝ so when did I become so special ? ❞ ❝ you’re not afraid i’ll kill you tonight ? ❞ ❝ technically , i am unarmed . but no one should underestimate the harm fingernails can do .❞ ❝ i doubt they’ll figure out our plan , since we can barely understand it ourselves .❞ ❝ mess with us & we’ll do something worse than kill you . we’ll kill your children .❞ ❝ you’re kind of squeamish for such a lethal person .❞ ❝ you’re not going to die . i forbid it . all right ? ❞ ❝ i thought we had an agreement not to lie to each other. ❞ ❝ closing my eyes doesn’t help . fire burns brighter in the darkness . ❞ ❝ jealousy is certainly involved . ❞ ❝ what is the worst pain ? to me , it’s always the pain that is present . ❞ ❝ i’ve been down by the stream collecting berries . would you care for some ? ❞ ❝ may the odds be ever in your favor .❞ ❝ what i need is the dandelion in the spring . the bright yellow that means rebirth instead of destruction . the promise that life can go on , no matter how bad our losses .❞ ❝ ____ ? maybe some pants ? ❞ ❝ i can’t tell what’s real anymore , & what’s made up . ❞ ❝ i knew you’d kiss me . ❞
someone: watch your language
me: oh, fuck, sorry
send me a ship and I'll tell you...
angstmemes:
who is more likely to hurt the other? who is emotionally stronger? who is physically stronger? who is more likely to break a bone? who knows best what to say to upset the other? who is most likely to apologise first after an argument? who treats who’s wounds more often? who is in constant need of comfort? who gets more jealous? who’s most likely to walk out on the other? who will propose? who has the most difficult parents? who initiates hand-holding when they’re out in public? who comes up for the other all the time? who hogs the blankets? who gets more sad? who is better at cheering the other up? who’s the one that playfully slaps the other all the time after they make silly jokes? who is more streetwise? who is more wise? who’s the shyest? who boasts about the other more? who sits on who’s lap?
TEXT MESSAGE STARTERS ! Send one of the prompts below to get a response from my muse.
drunk texts:
( ✉ → sms ) plea se eh elep me im drunk and i dotn know whe re i am
( ✉ → sms ) i fukcing miss yo u
( ✉ → sms ) i look so fuckigjn GOOD
( ✉ → sms ) i csnst stop throwiging up
( ✉ → sms ) fu ck you for hurting me
( ✉ → sms ) why dotn you ever call me anymore huh
( ✉ → sms ) stop being so fuckigjn borign and coekm to my party
( ✉ → sms ) i dropped my pzziza o nt eh floror im fuckgin pissed
( ✉ → sms ) i j sut left you a 3 mintue long voicemail singing. sorry
( ✉ → sms ) even when i’m durnk ic ant sotp thinking about oyu
hateful texts:
( ✉ → sms ) you’re pathetic
( ✉ → sms ) you make me miserable
( ✉ → sms ) fuck you. delete my number.
( ✉ → sms ) you never meant anything to me, anyway.
( ✉ → sms ) fuck your apologies, you can keep them.
( ✉ → sms ) congrats on always ruining everything
( ✉ → sms ) my life would be so much easier without you.
( ✉ → sms ) and next time you feel like calling me… don’t.
( ✉ → sms ) i don’t want anything to do with you anymore.
( ✉ → sms ) if your goal was to make me hate you, then congratulations. mission accomplished.
misc/random texts:
( ✉ → sms ) i think my neighbor is an alien.
( ✉ → sms ) help me think of a name for my new dog
( ✉ → sms ) sooooo… what was your first impression of me
( ✉ → sms ) should i get pizza or chicken wings for dinner?
( ✉ → sms ) no one’s ever made me feel the way you do.
( ✉ → sms ) i borrowed your weed. hope you don’t mind.
( ✉ → sms ) why do they say drugs are bad when they make you feel so good
( ✉ → sms ) today is the oldest you’ve ever been, but the youngest you’ll ever be again…
( ✉ → sms ) [ File Attached: 001329.jpg ] of all the drunk pictures i have of you, this one is my favorite.
( ✉ → sms ) i used your pics to catfish someone, and since they bought me a laptop… you have a date with them tomorrow.
Send a symbol for a headcanon! (Food edition)
🍔- Favorite kind of fast food? 🍟- Favorite junk food? 🍎- Favorite fruit? 🍆- Favorite vegetable? 🍖- How do they like their steak done? 🧀- Do they like cheese? What kind? 🍳- Describe their breakfast 🍱- Describe their lunch 🍛- Describe their dinner 🍪- Describe their dessert 🍿- How do they like their popcorn? 🍫- Favorite kind of chocolate? 🍦- Favorite ice cream flavor? 🍭- Favorite candy? 🍩- Favorite kind of treats or sweets? 🍰- Cake or pie? What kind of cake/pie is their favorite? 🍣- Do they like sushi? 🍜- Favorite hot meal? 🍝- What do they order on the menu on a dinner date? 🌭- Favorite food from their childhood? 🍲- Favorite home-cooked meal? 🍵- Do they like tea? ☕️- Do they like coffee and/or coco? 🍽- Can your muse cook? What can they cook?
50% OFF sentence starters
susierpt:
Because this show is hysterical. Send me one to see how my muse reacts. Feel free to alter pronouns and the like.
Trigger Warnings: So many violence/death/suicide mentions, drug references, some NSFW references
“I always thought swimming was kinda like doing somebody. You dive in, flop around a bit, and you either get booed or somebody gives you a medal. And then I found out swimming isn’t like that at all.”
“If you die, I get fired. And I like this job. People don’t ask questions here.”
“Everyone step away from the brain!”
“Aren’t you that kid that started that doomsday cult?”
“Are you upset? …Oh, who am I kidding, you’re always upset.”
“Nah, man, we didn’t go to prison, we went to holding. There’s a biiiiiig difference…”
“You’re gonna need a new back door.”
“They said they won’t let me back into sewing club, because apparently when I threaten someone with sewing needs, it’s deemed ‘inappropriate’ and I ‘have to leave.’”
“BITCH, GET IN THE POOL!”
“You’re so cute when you never shut up.”
“I’m not the Team Mom!”
“I have a daughter, somewhere. Doesn’t mean anything.”
“Five star hotel. Royalty, bitches!”
“I choose the greatest sport of all time: Gay Chicken.”
“So I’m in the backseat crying, [name] says we’ve gotta return the panda to the zoo, and then the brakes go out! Luckily, I still made it in time for my Pilates class.”
“Okay, [name]. Time to kill yourself.”
“Not me this time. This time, it’s 100% goofy, contrived fate.”
“This doesn’t seem like the time for polka renditions of Ke$ha songs.”
“You’re like our mom! The Team Mom.”
“What’s up, sluts?! Guess who just got outta prison?”
“You can’t spell ‘sass’ without ‘ass,’ and you’re being one.”
“He’s so hot but so crazy! Which makes him even more hot!”
“That boy ain’t right.”
“Oh my God, is he dead?! Why did you put him in the car?!”
“I love you, but please… shut up.”
“[Name] forced me to wear this. Don’t say anything.”
“No. No, you’re dead. I killed you.”
“Now, if you excuse me, I have to go spray-paint Illuminati symbols on my ex-wife’s house. She thinks I don’t know she’s involved, but I know. THE WORLD MUST KNOW.”
“Aren’t you that kid that was drinking a can of Raid through a bendy straw?”
“Homeboy looks like Shark Week. I ain’t messing with that.”
“Boom. Done. Advice over. Let’s go get shitfaced.”
“I WANT THAT BOY TO BE MY BRIDE!”
“Is it weird for me to think he looks good in that swimsuit? I mean… really good. It’s totally not weird, right?”
“It feels like forever since you drowned [name] in the deep end and tried to burn down the swim club.”
“What did we say about voodoo? It’s only for cheap revenge and shrinking heads.”
“You say ‘you people’ like you’re not part of the family. Got some news for you: you’re already on the Christmas card.”
“Reports of my demise were, uh… greatly exaggerated.”
“Look, [name] is swimming his gay little heart for you.”
“[Name] tried to get me to vandalize a police station again. Can I get a ride home?”
“Good thing I wore my Heelies…”
“My parole officer says I need more extracurriculars.”
“Wonder if that stuff I hid is still here. …Nah, cops probably took it.”
“I think I hate him. Or love him. Whatever.”
“Hands are part of your arms! …This is why we don’t talk anymore.”
“Did you invite him to that weird nightclub where all the dancers are wearing gas masks?”
“This reminds me of prison!”
“You do exhibit rather… motherly behavior.”
“I know you can hear me down in Hell, you stupid jerk.”
“You’ll stay. Like it or not, you’re just like us.”
“They’re just too dumb to die.”
“We’re gonna go with dark magic today. We’ll call you if we need voodoo.”
“Yes, yes, we all demand blood.”
“Wait, I’m not done staring!”
“You still hang out in abandoned buildings?”
“I thought I was Zeus! …I WAS Zeus.”
“I can’t get you into the men’s locker room again.”
“[Name] and [name]? Dead? Let me tell you something. Those two are literally impossible to kill. To prove a theory, I one time tried to just straight-up shoot ‘em with a real-ass gun. The bullet missed, ricocheted off a frying pan on the wall, and broke open a cabinet full of bottles, which I then tripped on and fell over. Hurt my pride more than anything…”
“[Name], I know you can’t read.”
“Yeah, I’ve seen that guy before. Cats go into his house, but… cats don’t come out of his house…”
“Back off, I called dibs like five years ago.”
“Bitch, you gonna be mine.”
“Look, I already visited the local church, mosque, synagogue, Satanic temple, Scientology center, Kingdom Hall, and I tweeted at Kanye. Just covering all the bases.”
“Didn’t we make a pact to stop her from doing this weeb shit?”
“I think that guard you killed had a family!”
“Why is your first suggestion always to break into [name]’s house?”
“Please call the police, because I look so good in this, it should be against the law. …Please don’t actually call the police, though, I WILL incriminate all of you.”
“You know what, this rescue mission doesn’t need your sass.”
“He’s probably in the shower, you know, washing the failure out.”
“One of you shot the [name] that can READ.”
“That was not a clown, that was my Juggalo friend. But your fear WAS warranted, he’s the one that set the pinata on fire.”
“It’s not just some simple task, like riding a bicycle, or cracking an egg, or committing premeditated murder.”
“This is getting ridiculous. We need a tutor or something.”
“Ten bucks says he dies.”
“Do not be alarmed. I am about to be hilarious.”
“You know what else is fun? Killing your best friend.”
“It may be hard to believe, but recently, I lost the ability to read.”
“I gotta go… not… talk to you to anymore.”
“Ohhhh… six-two, shark teeth, cries when you call him bitchbaby?”
“You took the fall for me, and I said ‘thank you.’”
“[Name], if I do die, there’s something I want you to do for me. I want a sweet-ass Viking funeral.”
“Your arrest record is extensive. And amateur.”
“I feel like you’re running out of solid shark references to call me.”
“Fuck it. Let’s do this.”
“You invited a party clown! I’m afraid of clowns!”
“I have to Tumblr this!”
“I thought this show was about drugs or something.”
“Oh, no… I got another flashback boner.”
“Let’s spend more nights in abandoned lighthouses.”
“YOU CAN’T CATCH ME, GAY THOUGHTS!”
“Metaphorical? More like metaHORRIBLE! …ZING!”
“Yeah, I know, inner turmoil, identity crisis, whatever.”
“Ha, your ass just got Looney Tune’d.”
“I was just rooting around in the garbage at this boy’s house, and I found this!”
“Let’s just skip all the fluff and get to the part where we’re shirtless.”
“Were you having a goldfish-drinking contest? Because my record is eleven before I barf.”
“[Name], go to my house, open the third desk drawer, and burn everything inside! But hold your breath while you do it!”
“Thanks for the life lesson, ‘Boy Meets World.’ How’s YOUR repressed love life doing?”
“Was macing us really necessary AFTER you remembered who we were?”
“[Name], find your chill, my dude.”
“We’re gonna be date–LATE.”
“There were 398 votes for you. THERE’S FIVE OF US.”
“Did [name] just fall down the stairs wearing stilts?”
“I had advice from a person who literally doesn’t know what they’re doing at any time of day.”
“If you’re here to do your unsettling demon voice, it is not appreciated at this moment.”
“‘And then Crowley handcuffed Dean to the chair, roughly straddling his–’ WHOA! Okay! Let’s just, uh… let’s put that one in the backpack for safekeeping.”
“Man, I can’t remember what I had for breakfast this morning. Forty-five minutes ago is ‘way back’ for me.”
“I’m some stealing some chem equipment for some stuff, and I don’t want you small-time hoods messing that up.”
“You know what plausible deniability means, kid?”
“So anyway, I regain consciousness, there’s cops everywhere, [name]’s covered in blood, got an ice pick… heh-heh, it was kind of a weird Tuesday!”
“She’s a witch! Push her in the pool!”
“Look, dude, I don’t know what to tell you. I showed up late, you killed all these people, you started calling me ‘thrall,’ and all I know is that I’m missing pizza night for whatever this is.”
“Is this a regular flashback or a sexy flashback?”
“It wasn’t a dream! We got arrested for trespassing! WE WENT TO JAIL!”
“You have to worry about your safe-cracker, your ground control, your spotter, your bag man, your getaway – any of them could be farm-fresh, or worse… undercover.”
“How many guys you pair up on the way here?”
“A guy with emotional issues who swims away his problems? Lady, that’s the whole team. You’re going to have to be more specific.”
“I’m just saying… is it illegal if I’m in my OWN pool?”
“I need a soda. Or therapy. Probably both.”
“We erected several statues of you, as requested, but, uh, people aren’t really worshiping them. They’re just sorta… taking selfies in front of them…”
“Look at that majestic-ass motherfucker. Like a dolphin or some shit. A dolphin with legs. And arms. And a jetpack.”
“Now get back to it before you learn a lesson in urban post-war torture practices!”
“I broke in again.”
“If you continue your attempts at flirting, I will be forced to take drastic measures.”
“I went to jail! I learned things. Terrible things…”
“[Name] said we were gonna get baked and watch ‘Game of Thrones.’ I wanna see some tits.”
“I spent six months in a correctional facility! I stabbed a girl in the yard!”
“Bitch, don’t even fucking think about it.”
“[Name] was up all last night, jerking it to real porn like a weirdo.”
“You put five marijuana cigarettes in your mouth and refused to answer to us unless we called you ‘King Kush.’”
“SUCK MY SHARK DICK.”
“Shut up, shut up, shut up! Shhhh! I smell boys being gay!”
“I see my reputation as a mastermind and entrepreneur precedes me.”
“Can’t prove nothing if they’re all dead.”
“I spent hours of research and studying. Minus that hour I had to spend calming down [name] after we watched The Notebook.”
“Come on, you can do me! It! It. You can do IT.”
“If I get out of this chair, I guarantee you’ll end up in one with wheels.”
“You guys ever wonder if we’ll meet someone normal?”
“We solved the curse of the island, and realized that the real ax-murderer was love all along.”
“I AM A GOD AMONG MEN! AND FISH! AND WATER-BASED MAMMALS!”
“Excuse me, I am trying to scream my feelings into your mouth.”
“Now we owe [name] a favor. That is NOT a position you want to be in.”
“That wasn’t hot. It was just fucking weird.”
“[Name]’s faster than she looks. And she tore through that chain fence like it was tinfoil!”
“This is it. This is the year I get my penis back from that dolphin who stole it.”
“So there’s me and [name], doing 80 in a 35, he goes right through the police blockade, I tell him to stop, he tells me there was something in the trunk… it was pretty much the best birthday ever.”
“I take boxing lessons at the Y. It started because K-pop concert security is tougher than it looks, but I just got hooked on the feeling of crushing someone’s face in with a solid right cross.”
“The election didn’t even matter that much; you cheated anyway.”
“I learned to swim the old-fashioned way. When I was five, my dad took me out to a lake and tossed me right out into the water. Making it to shore was easy. Getting out of the sack was hard, though…”
“Come on, [name], I put a LOT of money on you. Possibly against my better judgement.”
“I feel like I should argue this, but the potential for implied sexual antics is far too appealing.”
“That’s how they do it in Australia. And prison.”
“We’re all here ‘cause we’re not welcome anywhere else.”
“My baby can take it and dish it out! I am so turned on right now, I’m about half-mast.”
“He’s not my boyfriend. We were officially engaged in the fall. I’m thinking a spring wedding.”
“[Name], why are you getting naked?”
“Then you just take out your trusty lockpick, and you’re in!”
“Is there more to life than obsessing over two boys kissing?”
“This place just keeps getting dumber…”
“[Name], I love you, but you’re dumb as hell.”
“I’m not arrogant. I’m just that good.”
“I’m not taking care of your raccoon again!”
“I have to go scream confusing, end of the world ramblings at people under the freeway.”
“I’ll be on it like [name] on a centerfold spread.”
“Whatever. I did my time.”
“Still doing that weird demon thing to him?”
“Bed? But what about possible ax-murderers?”
“No! Stop! Don’t play the intro over me, that’s rude!”
“I’d do anything to you, [name]. FOR you!”
“Shut up, you’re high as balls!”
“Here I thought [name] was the craziest person you knew.”
“Just jerk it to hentai like a normal person.”
“I’ve got mace! The good shit, the kind they use on bears!”
“Did my sister send you here in an attempt to get us to emotionally reconnect?”
“You know how they say ‘sticks and stones may break my bones?’ Yeah, that’s not just a phrase…”
“Does anyone wanna hear my tragic backstory?”
“…You broke out, didn’t you?”
“I had a dream like this, once. You surprisingly had more clothes on, though, at least at the start.”
“Alright, so I didn’t wanna have to do this right at the start, but I represent a certain mutual acquaintance. One [name].”
“Hey, we try not to get this part of the gym wet, so whatever you’re doing is gonna have to stop.”
“You can’t have sex with your neighbor’s above-ground backyard pool.”
“Bodies… so hot. Brains… so dumb.”
“Well, piss in my asshole, I’m out like fifteen hundred bucks…”
“Aren’t you that guy that drowned a kid? And burned down that building? And sells Whip-Its under the bleachers?”
“Let me help you out of that swimsuit–POOL! The… the pool.”
“I don’t need a piece of paper to tell me how to swim. Or how to fuck Dean Winchester.”
“[Name]? Are you home? It’s me, [name]. …Okay, I’m gonna break in!”
“Only God to judge.”
“We’ve been banned from every pool in the area.”
“He’s delicate. Like a flower. Or a snitch’s collarbone.”
“So [name] pulls out a gun and decides to hold up the liquor store. He tells me to restrain the clerk, the clerk pulls out a gun and we’ve got a Mexican standoff! But anyway, how was your summer break?”
“Oh, no. He’s hot when he’s sad.”
“How many bodies you think would fit in here? I’m gonna say ‘a lot.’ Looks like a lot.”
“[Name], if I do die, there’s something I need you to do for me… bury me with my swimsuits.”
“Some stuff happened. I don’t want to talk about it. Shut up!”
“Yeah, sure, don’t listen to craaazy old [name], because that one time he stole a Zamboni and joyrode it around town and tried to take it through a McDonald’s drive through, and then they wouldn’t serve him, so he drove it into the front of the McDonald’s, and they called the cops and then there was a Mexican standoff!
“We went white-water rafting, and he pushed me right out! I hit so many rocks…”
“I bought stilts.”
“ALL HAIL THE DECISION CUBE!”
“Maybe next time, don’t get disqualified by throwing GRENADES AT THE OTHER SWIMMERS.”
“Don’t patronize me! I’m not [name]!”
“Why do we even care about losing? We’ve never cared about that kind of stuff.”
“You’re all probably getting nervous, and that’s normal. You really don’t stand a chance here, so I really can’t blame you.”
“WORSHIP ME AS THOUGH I WERE A MALEVOLENT GOD! AHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!”
the dream thieves
gansey: i came out to have a good time and i'm honestly feeling so attacked right now.
kavinsky: i came out to attack people and i'm honestly having a good time right now.
ronan: i came out.