hey yo tony that's some fresh pepperoni

Not as big a jerk as I could have been

[dankmemesforsadteens]

Idk why I laughed so hard at this

[cantanopeshitthatwastaken]

[whitepeopletwitter]

[she-weeb]

[cardansgreenbriars-deactivated2]

Some crazy lady was going to cut your heart out and you wanted more specific instructions? Perhaps you’d want it in writing! Or a diagram, maybe!

11 years of Stardust (August 10th, 2007)

[mojang-officialer]

gay steve

[mojang-officialer]

I dont have any good ideas for posts right now

[antiperiodica]

gay steve

[mojang-officialer]

pretty good, i’ll try it out!

[homocorn]

spending 90$ all at once: bad

spending 30$ three days in a row: somehow not a problem

[wombat-annihilator-deactivated2]

Realizing after three days that $90 still came out of your account:

[schmuddel]

How the hell are you people so bad with money

[emperilysm]

Monkey brain not evolved to deal with numbers larger than 5

[duke-of-derpington]

Grug not accustomed to fiat paper

[the-loveliest-lies]

Me see things and want them. I just have to give them plastic card. Which they’ll give right back so I don’t rlly lose anything

[deadmomjokes]

Anyone else the exact opposite, where you won’t buy anything if you have to use your card, but the minute you have cash the gremlin side of your brain goes “It’s free money. No deduction from account numbers, no spend. Free money.” Cuz that’s also a problem. (Note: does not apply to amounts over $50, those still trigger the “bad” event.)

[showerthoughtsofficial]

Maybe only cats can become ghost. That’s why ghosts just knock over stuff and make noises at night.

[scp-4999]

[aangarchy]

Me on ellen

Ellen: so I heard you like zuko from avatar the last airbender?

Me: yeah

Ellen: *burns my face and sends me on a three year journey to regain my honor*

Me: omg ellen you didn’t :,)

[dalmascandwarf]

My favorite misunderstanding I’ve had to clear up so far was a Japanese person asking me about the word “fuck”. Because apparently someone had told him if he said “fuck” in America that he might be killed on the spot. Which I think is the funniest lie that I’ve ever heard

[pornusual]

damn how brave was he feeling when he asked you that

[obovoid]

well the verdict is in i guess, freckle’s nipple is female-presenting

[shimmervee]

is it?

[obovoid]

[ja7she-remade-deactivated201905]

i’m the bitches

[softbrooklyn-deactivated2019052]

also like I love how avengers infinity war was about having AS MANY CHARACTERS AS POSSIBLE and avengers: endgame is just like here’s eight white people

[aphrobites]

thanos’ snap was as random as an airport’s random security check

[starksirons]

“Here’s eight white people” is Scarlett Johansson erasure

[pathokinessis]

Vampire partner: When do you want to be changed?

Me on the treadmill: 20 more pounds

[lettersiarrange]

My Facebook meme groups DELIVERED

[bellas-motorcycle]

The beginning of the twilight movie where it’s the the shot of the mountains in Arizona and then it pans over the top and its the mountains in Washington on the other side? Iconic. Miss Cathy fucking snapped. She didnt have to go that hard. Shit.

[gloomgaze]

how do i get tweets tattooed onto my brain stem