N E I G H B O R H O O D: The Hollywood hills
A E S T H E T I C â Molly all night, strobing lights, a crooked crown, a sense of grandeur, a king on the mic, saying all the wrong things at the wrong time, never knowing when enough is enough, highest highs and terrible lows, whisky neat and clubs till midnightâ
P L A Y E D Â B Y: Asbury (They/them) | 22 | EST-5
Money wasnât a thing for Jesse Andrews. From the moment he was born, it was lavish parties, silver spoons, and trips on a private jet. His trust fund was larger than life itself and the giant safety net of having it surrounded him like a pillow. He would never fall, even if he failed in whatever venture he set his mind to. Life had always been easy for someone like him, wealthy, loved, put on a pedestal, but it was perhaps because of that he felt so alienated from his community.
As a transman, he was born Violet, older than his brother by eight minutes, and he never had to struggle the way some people did. He wanted to be called Caleb at seven years old and take up guitar lessons, not ballet? Sure thing, Caleb. At ten years old, he wanted to be August and start hormone blockers? He got the implant, a fifteen thousand dollar product for the technology and implantation, and that was per year. Seventeen year old Christopher wanted top surgery? Weâll make the appointment. So many people in the trans community struggled and he felt guilty. His family had been nothing but supportive and yet, at twenty years old, you could find Jesse on forums reading some peopleâs woes and getting so frustrated because he couldnât do anything.
And then he came to the realization that he could do something. His trust fund was more than large enough and his parents were raking in more money every day, surely they wouldnât notice some going missing here and there. It happened a lot, with how frivolously they spent it. So he put up an open post on the forum. âIâm like you, I am trans,â it read, âBut unlike some of you, I was lucky enough to be born into a position where this life was easily obtained and my family and loved ones were supportive. If anyone needs help, or advice, or someone to rant to, message me, Iâm always around.â
And for awhile, that was what he did, morning, noon, and night. He messaged people from all over the world and talked to them, helped them sort their thoughts out and think their options through logically. If a person needed money for whatever reason, their pills ran out, or they suddenly found themselves homeless, or jobless, Jesse was more than happy to help. It was the only way he could feel connected to his community and in turn, he was accepted by them.
It certainly didnât make him the average transman, though. He still had all of these things that others did not and it put a gap between him and the rest of his community. On the forums, he never gave his name, always went by CJ, simply because he was afraid of the backlash he might face if people knew who they were talking to. If anything, that didnât help the gap because he had never been the person to be anything other than who they truly were and hiding behind a fake name online felt like the absolute worst way to help people. He was helping them become who they were in spite of the backlash or talking people through the aftermath, but he couldnât follow his own advice. They might not reject him, or they might shun him after everything for lying about who he was to them. If anyone was going to accept him, it would be the people in his community. He just wasnât willing to take the risk.
Money canât buy happiness, but it can buy expensive DJ equipment, heavy duty turntables, a mixer, and a laptop he designated just for gigs. Overkill to some but Jesse strives for nothing but the best. Clothes made by the biggest names in fashion, tattoos by artists with year long waitlists, and designer drugs that made him feel so, so high for hours before crashing back to the earth. Only the best for Jesse Andrews. The people he originally pulled strings with to get into the clubs, people who he knows through his parents, turn the other cheek when the see him popping pills before his next set, washing them down with whiskey or vodka, whatever was going around on the floor. His music goes hard, people scream his name, and he feels invincible. Nothing can even come close to touching him and maybe this time, heâs finally left a real mark on the world. Thisâll be the rave people remember him by.
Until he stumbles back into wherever heâs staying that day, a Hilton, Ritz-Carlton, they all kind of blur together by that point, and once heâs coming down, he canât find it in him to move anymore. He spends the day in bed, staring at the ceiling or playing the same three games on his phone, over and over despite how bored of them he is. When he gets low, he imagines that this is how some people in his community feel and he wishes he had done more. Some advice and money on a forum years ago doesnât help anyone anymore, especially not when there are new people each day figuring out their identities and needing help. He tries not to think about them,
At twenty-seven years old, Jesse had stopped posting on the forums four years ago. Anyone who paid attention to the timeline would notice that CJâs last post on the forum was the same date as Jesseâs first real gig. He really did hope no one was paying close enough attention to figure it out. Despite that, never once did he hide who he was, an out and proud transman, but he always avoided talking about forums, not wanting people to put two and two together. Instead of hating him for what he had done years ago, they might hate him for what he wasnât doing now.
The thoughts bother him during the day. His dog may as well be a certified therapist for all he talks to him, itâs the only thing that gets him until his next gig without breaking down in anger or sadness and getting lost in the thoughts of not enough, never enough. He never did enough to help, he would never be the biggest DJ in the world, and if he wasnât doing enough, he may as well be doing nothing.
When he does help, he always goes too big. Go big or go home, he would say, but it was always a little too much, just enough to make things the slightest bit awkward. Money donated to a charity was too high of an amount and it made him look like he had a savior complex. Rambling on and on about his own experiences always made the person on the other end uncomfortable. It was either too much or not enough, he struggles to find that happy medium and instead of ever talking out his issues like he encourages people to do, he drowns his in the bottom of a bottle.
All he wants is to be admired, for people to look up to him. He strives to make his mark on the world, that he wonât just fade into nonexistence when he dies like some people. He wants his name to be remembered, and not just by his family and friends. People scream his name when he plays and heâs booked months, years in advance, even. Fans canât get enough of him and everyoneâs a convert to his stuff. But itâs still not enough.
â Â P E R S O N A L I T Y
Jesse never knew the line between âtoo muchâ and ânot enoughâ. It was a fact of life, he spent too much money on equipment, went too hard when he was at a gig, taking molly to get his high going and keep it going all night long. He was never sure when enough was enough, and he didnât care. Go big or go home, right? It was something he practiced in every aspect of his life. Of course, it wasnât a conscious choice. He never knew when to stop talking, when comforting words became too patronizing or when to put the bottle down. So he pretended that he did everything intentionally. No one could make a joke of it if you beat them to the punchline.
He also tends to be a bit overly generous. It goes along with the never knowing when enough is enough. Heâll drop money on frivolous things without blinking but go and spend double the amount on other people. It was the only way he ever felt connected to the trans community, but all of his donations are done through actual charities now, no longer hiding behind his screen name. Yes, this was his community, people who he understood and who would understand him, but he was still hiding his earlier involvement. He was constantly telling young trans people to open up about how theyâre feeling, even if itâs just to a friend, to get their emotions off their chest. Yet he never took his own advice.
It was a nasty habit of his, never opening up to anyone who might go spilling his secrets. He didnât have much to hide, he was pretty open about everything, actually, except what he used to do in his free time, as CJ, online. He searches for the answers to his problems at the bottom of a bottle and his only real company during those nights is the dog he adopted. Neither of them are likely to go spilling his secrets.
Overall, heâs a amicable guy. Always making new friends, people at clubs, friends of friends met through networking. He is willing to listen to whatever problems they may have and help them work through it. But that doesnât mean he wonât hesitate to cut them out at the first misstep or the first sign they might hinder his career. There will always be more people to meet, but some things come along once in a lifetime.
Itâs obvious his career can blindside him, especially when it comes to his family and anyone who simply uses their eyes can see it. He knows theyâll never stop loving him, despite how frustrating he can be. He something downright unreliable, choosing work over the people in his life, simply because he canât afford to miss an opportunity. It shows up during his most frequently during his downtime when heâs supposed to be spending time with the people in his life but he keeps taking gigs and ignoring the people he cares about.
His ambition is his greatest strength but his biggest downfall. All he wants is to touch the stars and find his place among them, he wants to be amazing. But can the man who never settles ever be truly satisfied with what he has? No matter how much he achieves, no matter what kind of record he makes, itâll never be enough. He hungers for his name in lights, for people to remember him long after heâs gone and for aspiring DJs to look up to him as âone of the greatsâ. That doesnât mean he wonât move onto something else after achieving that wish though. The only way heâll ever be happy and no longer reaching for anything is to go out the second he finds his dream fulfilled and even then, it would have to be in a blaze of glory. One last amazing thing.
JULIAN J (interest/friend)
ALLIE MONROE (close friend)
