I just needed to write. To get it all out there. And I really don't think I've used this site in about 3 years. There's so much going on in my little brain, and I'm scared it's going to explode soon. I'm overwhelmed. By everything.
1) My job. AHHHHH! Something has to happen with that. I've been applying and applying, but nothing. SO, I wake up every day and dread going to work. What kind of life is this? I'm 25 years old. It's terrible. It's awful. It makes me question every thing I do and what's the point of it when I'm miserable. I don't make good money and live paycheck to paycheck. I feel unappreciated and like I never do "good enough"- even though I'm often doing my job and about the job of about 3 other people. Anyone wanna hire a social worker? Let me know. I'll send you my resume. For serious.
2) Life. Why in the world should I be looking for a new job in BG if I'm possibly going to be married within the year (hint: there ain't no ring on my finger yet) and I'd just move after marriage? Why am I really freaking out about this? WHY?! ARGH. My lease is up at the end of June so a June wedding would be nice, but the other person involved in this plan isn't so on board- that I'm aware of. BLAH. I'm too much of a planner for all this nonsense. I just want to know everything! -God, can't you please leave me a post it note with some answers? It'd sure come in handy!
3) Randy. Okay, so if you don't know, my uncle has been diagnosed with melanoma cancer. He has been battling it for over 2 years. He's been undergoing all kinds of treatment for the past 2 years and some have been more effective than others. He has been in an extreme amount of pain since Christmas. My aunt has been taking him back and forth to the ER almost weekly to try and help him with the pain because his meds aren't helping at all.
Last week, he was scheduled to have surgery because he has tumors pressing on his small intestine and colon causing him lots of pain and other issues. When the doctor opened him up, she discovered even more tumors that did not show up on the scan. They are no longer able to do anything else for him and are stopping treatments. They sent him home Monday with Hospice. I've tried to remain strong throughout his whole treatment process and I've stayed ridiculously optimistic. I've prayed so hard. I've demanded that God heal him and take away this awful cancer. I've asked God to be with his wife and children as they stay up countless hours worrying about him. I've begged for a miracle. I've even told God to just give me one of his tumors if that would ease his pain. I just hate to see him like this. It's not the Randy I know.
After all, this is the same God that healed an untouchable brain stem tumor from my sister, so He MUST heal my Uncle, right? That's how it works, right? He's not going to abandon us, right? He's going to take each tumor away, right? He's listening and writing notes and going to follow MY plan, right?
When I got the news Friday night that he was going to be sent home with Hospice, I tried HARD to stay positive. "Hospice means he has 6 months. People outlive Hospice, ya know." (Social Work knowledge helps this time.) But then, I was mad, upset, and just flat out discouraged. "God, I don't understand why you aren't listening. We're all praying. Endlessly. We've done everything right. We've leaned on you this whole time, and now HOSPICE?!" I've been fighting that feeling ever since. I hate it! I just want to be at peace and truly, honestly feel like God has control and He's going to comfort us all. I find myself feeling like God hasn't heard anything for 2 years. Then, I heard "Come as You Are" by Crowder, and there is a line that says "Earth has no sorrow that Heaven can't heal" and BAM, that hit me like a ton of bricks. Earth is passing, but Heaven, that's forever. If God decides that the best way to heal Randy is to take him to Heaven, then that will heal all our sorrows. That's the only comfort I can find right now, but I'm not giving up that easy. I want Randy here, because I'm selfish. But I want Randy here- healthy and happy. I want him here for his family- his wife and kids. I want him to see everything. I want him to be active again and joke around with all of us.
That's what's going on in my brain. I've cried a million tears just in the past few days. I don't know what to say. I don't know where to turn or who to look to for encouragement. I feel depressed often and just want to stay home and go to bed early. But something has to change. This is not a good overwhelming feeling. Can I hit restart?
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