I think A.D.D. is ruining my life.
I know what you’re thinking, everyone who has ever forgotten an important appointment, or birthday blames it on “their a.d.d.”. It is true, almost a running joke. I am one of those. I am one of those people who, without real intent, blame the A.D.D. every time a neuro pathway seemed blocked.
My reality is, when I was in middle school, 7th grade to be exact, I was diagnosed with the attention deficit often associated with A.D.H.D. I never had the issues with hyper activity, which I am assuming is why when I was screened the first time in 5th grade it went unnoticed. They told my mom then, “she is highly intelligent, no learning disability and know signs of a.d.h.d, she must be doing bad in school because she isn’t applying herself.” And after that, that was all I heard from my parents, how smart I was, and how lazy I must be to be making sub-par grades. It is true, all through school, even in high school and now college, I have always made mediocre grades. Except in middle school. In 7th grade I was put on Ritalin, which worked. In 7th grade I was in band, choir, and making good grades, reading books for fun. My favorite book that year was The Hatchet. I read it twice. For some reason, I don’t know if it was the cost of the medication, or an undesired side effect, but in the middle of my 8th grade year, my parents took me off of the medication. The result, I failed the 8th grade. Failed half of my S.O.L. tests my 9th grade year in high school. My mother passed away in 2010, long before the effects of being an adult with A.D.D. started to show in my adult life. So I never asked her why I was taken off of the medication. When I was a young adult, when life was simple, it was easy to not notice this thing looking over me. I had minimal responsibility, until I became a mom. As a young parent, I noticed forgetfulness and frustrations that were diagnosed as postpartum. But I never felt depressed....In fact this diagnosis of pseudo depression has followed me with every physician I have tried to talk to.
I never know what to tell them......It always comes across as depression, but it’s not. I am not a professional, but I know I am not depressed. It’s like the feeling of sadness and hopelessness but not at ones self.....it’s the feeling of constant pressure to make sure I don’t forget something. My brain constant and obsessively tracing thoughts over and over, like a scratched CD. The thoughts skip around and jump, but never stop....I can’t even read a book without having to re read sentences and sometimes whole paragraphs. While I read I am literally thinking of almost anything and everything else. I get distracted when I drive, which is dangerous. I have gotten tickets as a result of carelessly not looking at the speedometer, and at least one of the accidents I have been in I can recall was the result of not paying attention to a street sign, thinking I stopped, telling myself i stopped or at least that I needed to, but not actually doing it. I forget important things, items when I shop. I fix a meal for my children and forget the silverware or the drinks. Sometimes, I think they already ate, and they haven’t. I have had lights cut off for forgetting to pay the bill....I forget important paper work for social workers, schools, jobs....I frequently neglect to email someone back, even when I know the email is pertinent to my needs, my children's needs. I repeat myself in conversation and talk loud. I have constant anxiety about just how bad I have messed up today, or what am I forgetting today. My study habits SUCK. Hence the reading issue previously discussed. I tried so hard, so hard to study, I tried to find fun visual ways, and they worked a little, but not enough. I flunked out of my first semester of nursing school, despite working my ass off for it for months. I am horrible with money, not because I like to spend it, I just forget how much I have, how much I need....and when I try to keep record of this, writing it down, I forget to maintain consistency in doing so. People tell me all the time to make lists, keep an agenda...I HAVE TRIED...but I get distracted and forget to utilize it.... It is literally a revolving door of one f*** up after the other. My marriage failed, granted he was a selfish jerk just as messed up as me if not more, but I am sure I contributed my own toxicities.....my current boyfriend constantly tells me I talk too loud or too much, I repeat myself, I forgot this, or I forgot that.....I have a sink full of dishes, not because I am too lazy to do them, dishes is a stress reliever for me, it is literally because I had every intention of doing them an hour ago, but got side tracked and my mind was never able to revert back to the task. This happens DAILY. Everything in life distracts me and stresses me in a way that is not normal, the older I get the more I realize it....I cannot continue like this. I have been un-medicated since 1998, and here I am 32, section 8 housing, 3 kids, part time work and very little hope......Not every bad decision in my life that has led me here is the result of my A.D.D. but it is definitely acted as the precursor in a snowball effect kind of way. I see other adults my age with mortgages and careers.....where did I go wrong? Why do I constantly try to build my life with no ability to maintain the consistency required to stick to something? This is not an excuse, I just need help....with no health insurance I don’t even know where to begin. And I know it isn’t a learning disability, because I can remember some things. Things I am passionate about, birthdays, anniversaries, ancient history.