Jessica Joyce

laugh, smile, be happy.

[jessiicajoyce]

why is my happiness so temporary lately?

[jessiicajoyce]

Bittersweet

Bittersweet is such a strange feeling and emotion to be going through. It’s like I’m so glad that I get to watch the people I went through the nursing program be taking the NCLEX and passing so that they can finally call themselves an official nurse, that’s so fucking exciting, we worked so hard to get there. However, at the same time, here I am.... watching them move on without me. I’m supposed to be where they are but I had one minor set back and honestly, I never thought that I would be where I’m at in life. I never thought I could be what I am. I never thought of myself to... fail a class? I thought that I was so much better than that, I had so much higher expectations of myself than that. But... I did. And having to live with that for the rest of life is just so hard, having to know that I... did what I thought I’d never do just really sucks. It took such a huge dent in my confidence in so many aspects in my life. I doubt myself in so many ways - in my nursing judgement, in the way I present myself and that’s so dangerous. Having to know that I have to live with this for the rest of my life and it’s nobody’s fault but MYSELF. I know this is a self-defeating cycle and I just need to find a way to pick myself up and move on but my god, it’s just so hard. “You’re strong, Jessica.” “Trust in God’s plan.” “It helped you figure out you want to be a maternity nurse.” I’m so tired of all the cliches... when will I figure out what good there was to come out of this... but for myself. I don’t want to have to rely on everyone else’s support for the rest of my life. I feel like I’ve been given the shitty end of the stick my entire life... why do bad things happen to good people? Can someone answer me that? Because honestly, I feel like for the rest of my life, I’ll constantly be questioning if I’ll ever get anything good in my life. Yeah - don’t get me wrong... I have amazing people in my life who constantly support me and love me - my family, my friends, my boyfriend (who my God, I don’t know what I did to deserve him) or anyone in my life in that case... my coworkers, my teachers, my mentors. But as I said... when will I stop having to rely on everyone around me to support me. When will I be able to be an independent person. When will I actually be able to believe in myself? When will I actually be able to see myself for what I really am because apparently I’m this girl who’s capable of doing such amazing things but I don’t fucking see it. I just see this damaged girl who’s just trying to do her best. And what makes it even worse..... is that... sometimes I hate how good I’ve gotten at pretending I’m okay. Put on a smile and show the world you’re okay, right? Welp, if you made it this far in my rant, congratulations. I’m a mess, but who isn’t these days. 

[jessiicajoyce]

I just wanna cry and I don’t even know why

[jessiicajoyce]

I’m happy, but I’m still stuck waiting for the next curveball. 

[another-mbti-blog]

mbti - who they need in their life.

INTJ, INTP - Someone who can bring warmth to their coldness, light to their darkness, happiness to their depression, but also someone who understands how important the cold, the dark, and the depression is to them.

ENTJ, ESTJ - Someone who can challenge them, keep them entertained and interested yet keep them in their place.

INFP, ISFP - Someone who understands how complicated and simple they are, someone who doesn’t try to fix them or makes sense of them but just embraces them. 

ENFP - Someone who takes everything they aspire to be and help them make it a reality, someone who makes them understand that dreams are great but accomplishments are better. Someone who acts like a mirror to them, makes sure they don’t go off the tracks yet, enjoys getting lost within them.

INFJ, ENFJ - Someone who makes them smile without hiding a frown within, someone who brings out the real them no matter how difficult

ESTP, ISTP, , ESFP - Someone who can ride with them to no place in specific yet always knows where to go when things get too overwhelming

ISTJ - Someone who makes them read beyond the words and helps them see beyond the facts and the rules, someone who adds paint to their canvas

ENTP - Someone who takes all the hate and highlights all the positives, someone who is able to truly talk to them and challenge them

ISFJ, ESFJ - Someone who doesn’t need help from them, someone who helps them find what they want for themselves

[jessiicajoyce]

what if we’re not meant to be and we’re just forcing this dream into reality? 

[jessiicajoyce]

i’m starting to wonder if this is really it or if i’m just trying to force this into my reality. 

[olivialovesleggings-deactivated]

Close your eyes and listen

[g00d-vibes-g00d-times]

I wish this video was 6 hours long

[motherofsquids]

this is literally my favorite video ive ever seen on tumblr

[kerstin1864]

…it’s hypnotic…

[olivialovesleggings-deactivated]

ALSO- I’m glad this is my second most successful tumblr post. A little background about this video: I took it the day there was the nuclear missile threat while I was on Oahu. That morning, I thought it was my last day on earth and I was about to meet my impending death by nuclear missile. After the island was notified that the alert was actually false (mind you it also took them THIRTY-EIGHT minutes to tell us it was fake) my friends and I drove to Costco, bought a bunch of snacks and fruits, and spent the entire day at this beach. We didn’t talk much, as the concept of life and death was all across our minds. I swam in the water during the sunset, and had just gotten out to record the last light rays that remained. This video reminds me how precious life is and how I will always remember that feeling

[jessiicajoyce]

oh my goodness. i’m just now realizing how horribly i treat myself. i dont even give myself the time to self-care. 

it’s just such a shame, i’m so busy at putting everyone’s needs before myself that i forgot that sometimes i really need to be selfish and to care for myself and love myself. and just thinking about it really hurts sometimes. i’ve really been hurting myself more in the process to the point i’m hurting those that i love because it’s those that i love who have to watch me suffer.

[jessiicajoyce]

my god i will never stop feeling like i’m inadequate for myself. i’m pushing myself harder than i should but to what expectations am i supposed to be living up to? my own? my families? a syllabus? at what cost is it okay for me to be killing my self? 

[jessiicajoyce]

suffocation. drowning. death. i have come to a point that i don’t necessarily feel like i’m living for myself anymore, i feel like i’m just living for the sake of living. i’m living for the sake of others - to make others proud, because i know that if i just give up, i’ll be letting others down. but if i gave up, i wouldn’t care. i wouldn’t be letting myself down because i’m already disappointed in myself. i disappoint myself on a daily at this point. i’m not enough for anyone. fuck, i’m not enough for myself. i’m not smart enough. i’m not good enough. i’m not capable. at this point, is it even worth it? really the only thing getting me through school is the fact that i’ve made it to senior year... and i’m done in december. why would i let my family down. why would i put them through this much debt just to give up. but it’s like i don’t have any motivation for myself which makes it that much harder. i don’t have any motivation to try. i just want to give up because it feels like that would be the easier option, but i know it’s not. i feel like any time i give myself to care for myself, that’s selfish. i live for everyone else but not myself. and is that really even healthy? probably not. i feel like dying. my anxiety and depression is eating me alive and i’ve come to a point that i don’t really know what to do about it. i sure as hell know i’m not managing it well. “you’re not alone” but it sure as hell feels like it. 

[jessiicajoyce]

Happiness.

I honestly never thought that I could find happiness after my ex, after losing love I thought I was going to be forever broken. Little did I know, I would find someone who makes me extremely happy. I’m really happy and it’s all because of you. 

[jessiicajoyce]

123117

I haven’t been this happy in a very long time and it’s taken me by such a surprise. 

[jessiicajoyce]

wow the end of my 2017 took a turn

[lsleofskye]

Have you ever seen a beach made of rainbows? 🌈 | iwwm

[jessiicajoyce]

what sucks is being home and it feeling like a foreign place. being with famliy but them feeling like strangers to you. wanting to spend time with them and wanting it to be like old times but knowing that those old times are gone. 

[jessiicajoyce]

empty and alone.