Gonna emotionally vent on here.
It’s almost 2am and I’ve been crying most of the night. From overwhelming feelings and then because of overwhelming physical pain. I have to be up early for my dr appt to be cleared for surgery. I go in for another surgery in 2 weeks. I’ve been disassociating about it cause it’s just too fucking much.
Even though I’ve been walking, eating better, changing when I eat, my stomach is trash tonight. It’s from the cramps. It’s the polyps in my uterus, they bloat my stomach (which is why my stomach feels better empty. Even my bladder everything feels better when it’s empty) because any excess pressure hurts. Also my period is 1 week late, so my dumb uterus is giving me cramps and trying to push out polyps like what a dumb bitch. I wish I could tell it to stop.
I’m scared about surgery. About doing this again and this time they have to dilate my cervix and like wtf. When I had surgery in April dr was able to get some of it out but not everything. So imagine what’s left is the bigger ones she couldn’t safely remove because my cervix was small. But why would I have a loose cervix? I’ve never had children (this shit also makes me infertile for now). So now I have fear of surgery and fear of what’s going to happen to my cervix, how that’s going to feel and heal afterwards, and she wants to put in an iud which terrifies me since I’ve never been able to take birth control before. It’s made my body go nuts.
And tonight my stomach hurts and my dinner was leftover chicken and a baked potato and it feels like I’m dying. Sitting down hurts and I sat for too long. I hate this. I hate that for so many years I let doctors ignore my pain and let them gaslight me. Everytime I said my periods were bad or whenever I skipped one, the cause was always stress and because I’m overweight. We could’ve caught this over a decade ago had they run tests and listened to me. So of course the pain is worse now, and I bleed heavier now, and use ultra size tampons and wear a pad for safety cause i was changing those out every 1-2hrs. That’s so much blood. I’d pass out on the couch. I’d have to snack on nuts for energy because I felt so weak.
I went to the Dr last September for this, because last year is when it got bad. Last year during quarantine I skipped my period and then I got it for 2 months straight. I wouldn’t stop bleeding and found a better dr who listened to me and ran tests. So I just feel tired about all of this. That it took so long to have surgery once we knew that’s what I needed, and then going back afterwards to complain about stomach pain and cramps and finding out we didn’t get everything and then more tests to see if they grew. Like honestly I know it’s bad to disassociate and I know it’s my brains way of saving me but I’m just deleting so much of my life at this point as a way of surviving and it’s fucking horrible to feel like you’ve lost so much time because of pain, physical and mental.
I’m tired of having health issues that I didn’t create. That I’m not responsible for. That this happened and I had no control and I’m doing what I can to fix it and I’m trying my best. I’m just so tired of it though. I was crying right now and telling myself in 2 weeks after surgery I will feel better. That eventually I will feel better but before then it’s going to be worse. And I remembered how after surgery how hard it will be to walk or sit down or do anything. How I won’t be able to bend over (how am I gonna turn on my fan at night?) and I live alone and I’m going to go through this, again.
I’m tired of having to be strong, having to be resilient. I’ve been through enough. I’ve learned to walk 3 times as an adult. I’ve had two ankle reconstructive surgeries. And now I’m having two uterine surgeries. All this in 2 1/2yrs. I’m so fucking done. And I know it’s not the last surgery I’ll have in my life time but holy fuck. I can’t think about it.
I know I need to get some sleep. Everything hurts. And I’m alone and I wish someone could hold me and tell me it’s okay but I don’t have that person. I’m not okay. I’m really trying to be.
pixelskylines
romaincrisis
