When you lose a baby to early pregnancy loss you experience a very unique type of grief.
💔 A grief that is often not spoken about.
💔 A grief that is not always recognised.
I will never be the same person I was before I experienced my pregnancy losses or my struggle with infertility.
They have changed who I am in a way that can never be undone.
They’ve changed how I think, feel & act.
They’ve changed my personality.
They’ve shattered me into a million pieces.
I’ve been trying so hard to rebuild myself over the years from all the heartbreak, but the cracks will always be there.
I will always be missing figurative pieces of my heart & literal pieces of my anatomy.
I'm no longer the outgoing, happy girl I was before them.
I'm an introvert who hardly ever wants to leave the house.
Seeing babies in public often makes me breakdown.
Baby aisles at the shops overwhelm me.
I'm anxious more often than not these days.
I'm the total opposite of who I once was.
The brokenness I feel in my heart cannot be explained. There is no way to prepare yourself for what you will endure while going through a pregnancy loss. No amount of planning or research will ever be enough to lessen the pain that comes after it & no matter the circumstances from which it occurs neither your head nor your heart will ever be ready for what they are about to endure.
The recovery afterwards isn’t just physical, it’s also mental. It’s not just weeks of recovery from the emergency surgery or loss itself, it’s also a constant mental battle that you now have to face daily. & much to everyones dismay, healing from it all doesn't just happen in an instant, & the feelings you have don't just disappear in a day.
There is no switch to flick to turn them off. They are always there & they know no time limit. Regardless of how many times you have to go through it, the heartbreak you feel each time hurts all the same.
It’s not something you will ever be able to forget about either, no matter how hard you try to erase it from your memories or push it aside. & the scars it leaves on your body in place of what it has taken are permanent.
Pregnancy loss, no matter what kind, goes way beyond just losing a baby. It is an experience that is truly indescribable, & one that I would never wish upon anyone.
It takes with it so much more than just a beautiful life, it takes away everything that comes with it. The hope to someday be a mum, your faith that you try so desperately to hold onto, the trust you have in your body because it’s constantly failing you & you don’t know why; the future plans you had made, your happiness.
All of it just... gone.
Sadly, all I have to show from my ectopic pregnancy is two pink lines. I have no photos & nothing but a blurry ultrasound memory of seeing the little heartbeat through teary eyes, while being told I would need emergency surgery straight away as baby wasn’t where it should be. That’s a memory that now plays on repeat in my mind, & unfortunately this is also the case for many other women who have lost their babies. Not everyone gets to take home a keepsake. Sometimes the memories & heartbreak are all we are left with.
There is no emptier feeling than that of which comes after you lose a baby, & there is no greater pain that you will ever experience than when you are faced with that type of grief.
The day I lost my baby, I lost so much more than that & it may take a lifetime to heal from it 💔
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