My Thinking/Spiritual Side @jesusisit - Tumblr Blog

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I no longer follow FAH. I decided it was not worth how triggering they are, how racially insensitive they are. I make exceptions, somewhat, for white people I know in real life. I would rather not make concessions for white people who I just watch for entertainment. I would rather stick to safe white creators, or creators of color. So far I have not found any creators of color capable, or likely, to hurt me as much as white creators. It's just different, because of history. There is not the same responsibility or privilege there to worry about.

I forgot to update until now. It has been over a year. I have not found a worthy replacement. Perhaps I never will. As my last post highlights, they did many "favorite" things. They were unique. I'm not sure if I'm still glad I found them. I understand why I stuck with them so long, though, as I try to move on. It has not been possible to find creators as funny and clean and and respectful about Christianity and talented and genuine and close all at the same time. It is an unusual find. FAH was an unusual find. Oh well. Racism is a red line. Genocide, too. When they did a sketch centering white European feelings over Pal-an lives the same day as the flour mas-re, that did it. That killed any remaining desire to support them. It made moving on easy. B moved on, too, very publicly, for the same reason. That was interesting to see. Racism, not a red line for her. Genocide was, though. Genocide was.

Watch parties continue, and have gone well. I enjoy them. Others are asking for livestreams, and I'm liking those posts, even replying when I feel like it. I can ask for things now. I don't care as much if they care. I don't care as much how ignorant they are. It's too common among white people to care. Pointless. I just have to be guarded, but that's been the case ever since the sketch. That's been the case with white people since childhood. They are not safe, and perhaps will never be. It depends on their choices.

I continue to re-watch livestreams. I think I've settled on my favorite thing.

My favorite thing is when they sing/play music. My favorite thing is when they do improv. My favorite thing is when they do characters. My favorite thing is when they tell stories. My favorite thing is when they play D & D. All these are my favorite thing. No livestream has all of my favorite thing.

Watch parties have continued! I am happy with them so far, overall. I hope they continue to be good experiences. We’ll see.

I have realized how important dance is as a black woman. We face constant hatred and bigotry. Our humanity is questioned from childhood. Our beauty is questioned from adolescence. Our freedom does not exist on the same level as other women. We are not often loved as well as other women. Our lives have a lot of pain. But none of that matters when we can dance like no one’s watching. The feeling of joy and freedom that comes with dancing is almost unrivaled. I think that’s why we’re so good at it. Being one with joyful music is amazing. It’s a whole experience! Few things give more pleasure, especially while single.

Watch parties are back! And I am reminded of the differences in taste between me and HN. Oh well. Most of the sketches were great! And I enjoyed the experience, for sure! I am glad they are back. I hope she continues to do them for a while. They are the best fan experience besides livestreams and live shows. I’m not sure if I prefer watch parties over live shows or not. It probably depends on what we watch. I prefer watch parties of livestreams over live shows. Watch parties of sketches...maybe they tie? Or I prefer live shows? I’m not sure. They are fun! Hope more people join next time.

There are 10 livestreams from 2020 on Patreon (Vimeo). Mostly Q and A and watchbacks, history features.

24 livestreams from 2021 on Patreon (10 on Vimeo, 14 on YouTube)

6 livestreams from 2022 on Patreon (YouTube)

0 so far in 2023 on Patreon. Many Patreoners were desperate enough to buy Moment just to have the experience. That isn’t available long-term. Hm.

Insecurity is coming up. I think it’s because I’m starting with a new couple Friday, and the husband is white. I have not been able to connect well with a white man in private practice yet. Perhaps this will be the same. Perhaps this will be different. I know I have done with a latino and black man. I do well with other minorities, and white women are fine. I’m not sure what the thing is with white and asian men. I know there are cultural differences. Perhaps I just really need to turn up the practical side. My specialty is feelings. I have done SUCH good work by tuning in to feelings. Still, somehow I need to be more...practical? Or more individual? I have had some success with white men...it’s been years, though. Early on I did good being more individual with a white couple. And another, too, I think. Yeah, I’ll plan to be more individual. That may work. If not, so be it. I can only do my best. I make mistakes, but so does everyone. The main thing is...a good pattern. I’ll work on a good pattern. I am a good therapist. I have done good work with white couples.

FAH Thoughts 18

I returned to a negative place this week. It was ironic, because I had a lot of extra time. I tried to use it to watch FAH, but racism kept coming up. The fact I dare not ask them for anything as a fan...is not okay with me. But I know why. It’s because I assume I don’t matter. And I assume I don’t matter based on the racist sketch. And I don’t have enough evidence otherwise. It’s not like they’ve ever done positive or even neutral representation of black women in their work. They’ve just done the offensive caricature. That’s it. Based on that, they don’t care about offending me. They certainly don’t care to please me. Hhhh. So I dare not ask for anything. It hurts too much, on top of the sketch. I don’t know what to do. I want to be able to watch them again. Hopefully I will be able to soon. I think...it’s been too long without a livestream. It’s been two months. The hurt is rising again. I wish this wasn’t the pattern, but I’m glad I can discern it. I understand now why racism didn’t matter at first. They were doing regular livestreams. I loved the livestreams so much nothing else mattered enough to stop watching. My sensitivity was picking up on all the pleasure of the livestreams, so the pain of the racism was assuaged. But now...without livestreams...the pain returns. Hhhhh. Oh well. Hopefully there will be a livestream next week. If not it will probably be at least another month. At least their happy. The sketch was good this week, creative. And I got to talk to fahns more than usual. That was nice.

Top Livestreams from Vimeo by Likes on Patreon

1. First Q and A, 281 from July 9, 2020

2. First Watch Party, 245 from August 20, 2020

3. Christmas Party, 231 from December 17, 2020

4. Second Q and A, 225 from August 6, 2020

5. First Hog Show, 216 from October 22, 2020

6. Second Watch Party, 204 from September 17, 2020

7. Mauretania Stream, 201 from November 19, 2020

The rest are under 200 likes. Likes do not necessarily line up with views based on the YouTube streams :/

Top 10 Livestreams on YouTube by views

Anne Stream- 2,267 since September 9, 2021

Mrs. Geralty Stream- 2,000 since September 23, 2021

Beer Tasting Stream- 1,952 since June 17, 2021

Foil/Arms Stream- 1,796 since October 7, 2021

Rehearsal Stream- 1,741 since October 21, 2021

Hawaii Stream- 1,715 since July 15, 2021

Haircut Review Stream- 1,713 since July 1, 2021

Crazy Tour Stories Stream- 1,625 since June 3, 2021

Arms/Hog Stream- 1,618 since July 22, 2021

Sketch Music Stream- 1,610 since May 20, 2021

I have no way of knowing how many views are on the Vimeo livestreams.

My top 10 for YouTube are not the same, but would include most of the above, in a different order. My favorite from YouTube is everyone’s favorite, though. We all agree Anne is the best!

FAH thoughts 17

I am processing my anger. How dare they use the black woman stereotype! It is offensive, even worse than offensive. The fact is took 8 months to emotionally recover from that...and could have taken longer. I think meeting them helped a lot. But what if I couldn’t meet them? What if all I knew of them was their work? I would have thought they are racist, and continued to fear how they might treat me, how they view me. The ignorance is in the sketch. The racism is in the choice to do it, and keep defending it. They show no growth in understanding racism. But I didn’t know...how they would treat me until I met them. They treated me well enough. They were kind enough. Still, knowing how little they come to the United States, I cannot recommend them to other black people. I know...I do not feel what other fans feel. And that is the fault of FAH. They knew they were risking offending a group they are not apart of. They knew they were risking offending a group that has been horribly oppressed by people who look like them. And it’s not like they tested it with a black crowd. There are none in Ireland. It’s like D Ch doing jokes about a minority oppressed by black people. Not advisable, in my opinion. Not okay. While D may have a friendship with a minority, the communities are not friendly. The communities still have enmity. Risking offense is not worth it when the communities still have enmity. It is better to focus on building friendship, building trust. If there are enough positive, kind interactions, that can make up for the past. Being offensive is not the way to build friendship. It isn’t. Hhhh. I cannot recommend FAH without warnings until they resolve the racism issue (take down Skiddlywup). Perhaps with warnings, clear warnings about their racism in the sketch, then I can recommend them. Hhhh. Up to now I’d rather just not recommend them. We’ll see. They have many positive qualities. Still, as a black woman, racism is a big deal. Suffering for 8 months was a big deal. My sensitivity is too useful as a therapist for me to regret having it. I have helped too many people. And I like the way it increases my pleasure, since it works for both pleasure and pain. I would not like them so much if I wasn’t sensitive, too. Right now I’m fine. I’ve healed from the racist sketch, and there was a livestream in the past month. A livestream with normal energy, and a good mood throughout. No drama in the fandom afterward. We’ll see how the year shakes out. So far they aren’t coming to the United States. If they come, I’ll see them. I think I can write each of them a card again. But we’ll see. Forgiveness is a process.

Doing therapy has changed how I see people. I used to see people as individuals. Now I see people as patterns; patterns born of genetics, personality traits, family dynamics, friendship dynamics, and cultural dynamics. Predictable patterns emerge over time, and people react to being listened to in predictable ways. Part of me wishes I still saw people as individuals, but the evidence has been clear...the pattern matters more than the specific person. It’s just as well. It makes doing my job slightly easier. The emotional patterns are clear. Perhaps other types of patterns are not...the small things have infinite variety. Those are the things it is important to know for building a friendship or family. The major things are enough for work, and operating in society.

15% of people can make a big difference. People think in terms of majorities too much. The majority is not the only group that matters if one wants social stability. 15% of people can make the majority very miserable if they want to. Even smaller minorities can, if organized. Being considerate in the use of one’s power is not just nice or kind; it is best for stability. A small bomb can cause a big explosion. One traumatic night can have long-term affects on a life. It is sad, but true. Making sure as many people have all they need is in everyone’s best interest. Sometimes I think...people would take certain traumas (child abuse, rape, divorce, racism, etc.) much more seriously if they realized the cost on all of society that these things exist. The child is sensitive, and hurts experienced in childhood have long-term affects. Hhhh.

FAH thoughts 16

Much is missing from here thanks to writing with pen. Oh well.

I have attended two more live shows and meet-and-greets. I could talk to H and F by the third one. I cannot talk to A, not really. Oh well. I accept that his presence drives all thought from my mind. That is an understandable reaction to an unusually attractive, funny man whose singing voice I love. Oh well.

The shows were great! Still I prefer livestreams. It is hard...the best time as a fan is gone. They are focused on live shows now. They do a great show, but...I just like livestreams better. I don’t think that will change. Even though I laughed a lot at both shows, it was just...so much more trouble than sitting in my room for a livestream. And the meet-and-greets are very short interactions. I barely had time to give my food gifts in the home one, and to thank H for Anne in the away one. They didn’t answer my question. I couldn’t talk to A. It’s too intense an experience. Oh well. Perhaps the best part of the shows was the fact that I got more interaction online from it. Other fahns wanted to talk about it. And A interacted with me some after. Indeed, the video the following week felt almost for me :). That was special. It’s not true, I’m sure. Still, it felt special.

I have realized I am probably not the only one with a problem with B. The drama some of the older fans bring into the fandom is quite interesting to see. Part of me wishes I hadn’t joined Twitter now. I wouldn’t know about any of this drama if I’d stayed off. There’s a lot of good stuff I wouldn’t have experienced, too, though. I know of another fahn in southern CA now. I know HN better. No one else likes livestreams as much, or wants to talk about them. Oh well. And no watch parties in a long time. Oh well.

I want to play piano. I don’t know, maybe I will start doing that next year. Playing piano, dancing...long-time dreams. Seeing F play piano makes me want to more.

FAH thoughts 15

It actually was mostly ignorance. I wrote about with pen, so did not write here. It was hard, but didn’t cause much more tears. I wish they knew...but how could one without experience? Lots of listening. And who’s willing to listen that much? Not most white people. I understand more and more how I feel. The show is in less than a week now. I am past the trauma of that. I am prepared, I think, to be kind when I see them. Keep it kind, keep is short. Continue to exist in the fandom, but not contribute to anything but livestreams. The livestreams are still my favorite. They are still therapeutic. I can just rewatch over and over.

Today one of the major fans included a racial slur in her work. I am not surprised, really, since I had already added her to the “unsafe” group due to her communication with F. Still, it is a bit disappointing that I have an even more current and objective reason for feeling unsafe in the fandom. Of course, it all goes back to FAH. Since they are unsafe, many of their fans are unsafe. It is what it is. I wish things were different, but I am not really surprised by anything anymore. I am glad I already knew. I am glad I was already not investing time or energy into the work of that fan. It is not worth it. She has been feeling depressed...who people really are always comes out when they are down. Always. Hhhhh. Willing to hurt those less powerful...it is a constant problem in this world. I only guard against it in myself for God’s sake. It seems for most people...it either is not something they guard against, or guard against just when they feel like it, or guard against in front of others. Hhhhh. So that’s two major fans who have proved themselves unsafe. What a fandom! I keep enjoying what I enjoy. The world is not safe. Pockets of safety are all I can focus on. Find the pockets, take what I can from them. The reason I stay is the fact that I am so thoroughly pleased with the livestreams. I love them.

FAH thoughts 14

There has been another livestream! I loved it, of course. And they implied they will do them more often. Well, it’s been six months since the last one. It won’t take much to do them more often.

They also did an interview on the same day, earlier. It was good! I liked their answers and interactions during the interview.

The offensive sketch has been discussed between B and F recently. Before I read what was said I must prepare myself. There’s bound to be arrogance and ignorance. There’s bound to be misunderstanding and defending of the indefensible. It is what it is. When you have power you don’t know what it’s like to not have it. When you have love and respect you don’t know what it’s like to not have it. When you are treated well you don’t know what it’s like to be treated badly. When you are seen as human you don’t know what it’s like to be seen as less than human. When the worse you can experience is offense you don’t know what it’s like to feel worse than offended. Hhhhh. So I must prepare myself for the hurt before reading their ignorant (due to lack of experience) thoughts. And try to process it quickly. I see them in a month live. I don’t want to still be going through the initial process of forgiveness then. I want to be through the initial hurt. Hhhh. I will read it this weekend. They have pleased me with the livestream and interview. Now for the hurt/trauma. What a fanship this has been! I’m so grateful, though. It is a less personal experience than having to work these things out with white people in person. I have more control this way.

FAH thoughts 13

One of my favorite things about FAH is how close each of them are to each other. In livestreams they all interact in very familiar ways. Even though F is the least affectionate, he’ll accept affection from the others comfortably. And A and H are quite affectionate with each other. Random pats, hugs, and other physical contact is common. They even tend to sit close together when beside each other in a livestream, and/or lean toward each other. A actually touched/grabbed H in excitement once, a moment unusually unguarded even for a livestream (which explained, in my mind, a dynamic he’s mentioned in a diary before). And H has randomly massaged A for a second. Both have tled F for a second. F has played piano at the same time as A, leaning very close to reach the keys. When they aren’t comfortable with what someone’s doing, they just say so, laugh, or move. They also will point out if something looks weird for an audience. They all improv well together. H and F are great at working off each other, as are A and H. F and A can, too, but they can also pick at each other sometimes. Not that it escalates much, it seems like a brotherly thing, just little bickering. Some of the shared stories between F and A really make me think their families know each other, and get along. Plus the fact they went on holidays together at LEAST once. I mean, they constantly work together. And then they choose to spend MORE time together on holiday? They just don’t tire of interacting, I guess. They all have friends in common, too. It seems they are all just very close. It’s nice to see. It’s nice to see people so comfortable together. It’s therapeutic to me.

FAH thoughts 12

This week I had to tell a client that it’s important to adjust one’s expectations to the reality of the current pattern of others. I realize now that I need to do the same with FAH, or move on. I still want livestreams. I still miss them. I still feel disappointment often. Other fans have moved on. I don’t know...I don’t know how much of this disappointment is because of the racism rather than the end of livestreams. I mean, I do love livestreams. I did feel a lot of excitement whenever they were announced, especially when I could join. I did join every livestream I could, and enjoyed the experience. So...I know a lot of my disappointment is probably based on the ending of livestreams. And yet I also know that any hurt or disappointment felt over the course of an interaction pattern affects it, especially when it is unresolved. There has not been reconciliation regarding racism. There is unlikely to be reconciliation about racism. So...the interaction pattern can only get so good. I had decided I would not do a fanvid for FAH before I knew livestreams were gone. That put a cap on the interaction pattern. And I knew after their live show that...one live show a year was not enough without livestreams. Like, I actually did not like the experience of a live show as much as the experience of livestreams. The interaction level on livestreams suits my energy level better, and they are more genuine during livestreams. Therefore, I prefer them. Again, though, this is due to only seeing them in the US. I’m sure that in places they are comfortable they are more genuine in the live shows. But since I do not plan to travel to Ireland anytime soon...it seems best to either work on adjusting to no livestreams, or moving on. Hhhh. And I need to continue to work on letting go of the racism issue. It’s just...so hurtful. I can overcome, but I’m only human. And it’s so hopeless. White men are so self-deceived. A constant state of denial...hhhh. Oh well. I’m sure I’m in denial about some things, too. It’s all relative. They can’t keep me from being who I am. It is only possible to violate a people group’s humanity, not to strip a people group of the appearance of their humanity long-term. One day Africa’s people will rise. In some ways we already have. All the hatred and disrespect and stereotyping will only rule for so long. And I do have heaven to look forward to. Oh, happy day!

Avoid Skiddlywup. It has the offensive sketch. The others might be okay to watch/re-watch. That’s not the only live sketch I don’t like, it’s just the worse. We’ll see.

Arms said Skiddlywup is the best of their live shows on film, the one that comes together best. Of course he did. This obsession has been the best and worse experience of my fandom life. I cannot. God knows I cannot. Ugh.

Arms has said their best live show, period, was one they did but did not film (too early in their career). I don’t know the set list for that live show, or even what year it was.

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