Janina @jhajhaness - Tumblr Blog

FINISH LINE

Blankly. Without any noise, without any voice.

It’s very hard. Especially on the 15th day, I heard from you again. So many questions popped in my head but I was reminded. Hey, I’m working on breaking.

I’m 6 days away to break it and 7 days to make a new habit. So, here I am. Starting to write about you, about us.

A story you then chose not to start because you’re coward to end.

I’m starting to write mine. See you at the finish line.

— j v

25 March 2020

The Rising Woman

We may find distant or avoidant partners alluring because their avoidance is a challenge for our ego...

We might find it more exciting to be caught up in a push-pull dynamic with someone than to say yes to love that is readily available and healthy for us.

The excitement comes from eroticizing rejection - it feeds that part of us that still feels like have something to prove.

Prove we’re lovable or worthy. That we are so special that we can change someone’s mind or behavior.

But that excitement you feel is also draining your energy and soul-sucking on so many levels.

When we abandon ourselves for someone who’s undeserving of our energy, our inner-child is is usually hurting deeply and feeling afraid to be alone.

It's ok to walk away when your heart isn’t being cherished, honored or supported.

We're all going to have days where we show up as the worst version of ourselves.

But at the end of the day, we all deserve to be with someone who we know is in our corner.

Someone who loves us on the hard days and treats the relationship as sacred.

Any time we waste chasing someone to give us love, there’s an unmet internal need for love and nurturance toward our inner-child.

You don’t need someone else to reflect back your wounds without being willing to heal with you.

You don’t need someone to trigger all of your insecurities by treating you like an after-thought or avoiding intimacy.

It might feel unnatural to let go of this type of connection because you’re breaking a very old pattern … you might even find it “boring” to move towards love that doesn’t trigger you

Don’t worry, this doesn’t make you “crazy”, it means you really want to heal.

And to heal, you have to practice letting healthy love in.

Healing occurs as you sever your addictions to shadow relationships and move toward people who hold you in your highest light.

Healing comes from doing Self-acceptance work and making the relationship with YOU and your inner-child the number one relationship in your life.

And healing occurs from understanding yourself and your true nature in relationship.

Rise up, little woman.

I tried so hard, my very hard.

But, I was missed.

He missed me and that’s alright.

This will be fine, in time.

God’s plan is always beautiful. But it doesn’t mean that it is painless or convenient.

r.h. Sin’s THE ONLY WAY

she was strong

but she was tired

and walking away

became her only option

tahan°an

Isang taon na ang nakalipas.

Maraming salamat dahil minsan sa buhay ko ay nagkaroon ng tamang oras ngunit maling tao. Pero sa’yo ay mukhang wrong timing ako.

Maling pagkakataon o maling katauhan? Ano man ang kasagutan, ngayon ay gusto ko ng magpaalam.

Maraming salamat dahil minsan mo akong pinatahan at ika'y naging tahanan ko.

Teal and rusty steel. God says, be still.

“Babalik, babalik sa’yo.”

Oras. Oras ang nagsilbing pang balanse sa lahat. Ito lang ang isang totoo na sa lahat ng tao ay meron ng pare-pareho.

Pagmamahal. Isa sa pinakamahalaga, isa sa pinakamasarap madama. Ngunit kung minsa’y pinakamabigat at pinakamahirap.

Oras at pagmamahal. Dalawang bagay na kaya nating ibigay.

May mga pagkakataong bumabalik sa’yo yung oras at pagmamahal na binigay mo sa taong mahal mo. Meron ding mga araw na hindi mo makukuha yung alam mong dapat ay sa’yo.

Pero alam mo kung anong natutunan ko?

Lahat ng ibinigay mo sa maling taong minahal mo, oras man o pagmamahal ito, ay babalik sa pamamagitan ng ibang tao, yung tama na para sa’yo.

• • •

📍Habang nasa Grab sa Ortigas | 6:06AM

I’m done.

I’m done even though I looked back many times, countless times.

Looking back just only means we can move forward.

I’m done and I proved that most of the things that fall are bound to break.

I’m done and I’m broken.

I’m done, I’m broken, but I’m still here. Believing that I won’t miss out what’s meant for me.

I’m done and I’m hopeful.

I’m done and I’m hopeful that I will see another soul capturing mine, better than the photograph you left.

You. Left. I’m done.

It was not love but I chose it anyway.

All my best friends would tell you that I have a type. Gorgeous men with crooked smiles who have stories that stretch far and wide. Men who you know have no intention to stay, because I carry that same undeniable trait in my own broken chest.

Maybe I like exploring a mind that seems as chaotic as mine. Or maybe it’s the rush of chemicals that fill my brain when their tattooed hands meet mine. Whatever it is, it isn’t love. But it is something undeniably weird and great. And I could run when everyone tells me to, but the sweat from my palms and the butterflies in my stomach choose to make me feel it all with a depth like the sea.

Because life moves so damn fast, and it’s okay to revel in something that has an expiration date. Something that paints a picture of shared laughter over whiskey that tastes like peanut butter, and long drawn out conversations about how the universe makes your choices for you.

It’s the freeing feeling of eating bagels naked in the kitchen, sipping coffee that tastes as sweet as the moments that came right before, tangled in one another’s legs. It’s telling each other the truth, even if that truth only lives in that short, beautiful moment.

Because people are like the moon, and we move in and out of phases. So it’s okay to experience someone in a phase that may not be forever — that’s where we learn the most about ourselves. It’s where we allow ourselves to crack wide open and connect with everything that lives underneath the surface level bullshit that they will most likely revert back to in the end.

Indulging in these fleeting moments may leave you hurting when it all comes to an abrupt halt, but it won’t be for long, so lean into it. Because how fantastic is it that humans can make each other feel in extreme ways? And that feeling fades quickly. The chemicals pulsing through your brain will slowly run their course, and you’ll forget what they smelled like. You won’t remember the words that are inked on their upper thigh or the grin that made your knees weak. But you’ll carry the experience with you forever, and maybe next time you’ll show up better. Your heart will understand complexity in a way you never did before.

So it’s okay to entangle with someone great and wild and beautiful in so many ways, even if they aren’t close to you forever. Shrug your shoulders and laugh when your friends tell you this is the same song and dance, just with a different face, and choose to feel it all anyway.

Someday these experiences will change, and it will all fall together exactly how it should, but that day doesn’t have to be today.

“Never be too hard on yourself for staying when you should have left, or leaving when you should’ve stayed. There are lessons in the things you choose to tolerate, and the things you choose to let go.”

— iambrillyant

Art by: Sarah Maxwell

Being better is always an option. Choose it.

A LOVE THAT CHOOSES YOU (NOT)

Have you ever felt that fiery feeling inside you? A mixture of excitement and hope that this time, you’ll be making better decisions. That in this time, love will finally choose you because you believed that enough love is enough.

He’s cool and so are you. You can simply make heavy things lighter for him. He has seen great faith in you because you’ve seen the great God worked and working. He adored your strength but reminded you that whenever you’re losing grip, he’ll hold you.

These are some of the many things where you felt love chose you, finally.

He has his own priority, you know you’ll never win over, since day 1. You made yourself better and some people, including him, considered you as “too good”.

These are the facts that made you feel love chose you, NOT.

zip code's 1442

This is where one thing started. This is where everything ended. #LomiAtKaibigan

MSND, akin ka! 👩🏻‍🎓

Baka akala ng iba, naging madali. Kasi ang totoo po ay sobrang hirap, sobrang pinaghirapan kong makuha ‘to.

Yung pagtatapos na ito ay hindi ang oras na hiling ko sa kinumpletong siyam na araw ng nobenaryo bago magpasko; hindi rin ito yung laman ng mga panalangin sa mga alay lakad na sinamahan ko tuwing mahal na araw; hindi ito yung panahon na hiniling kong makatapos ako sa bawat simbahang unang beses na binisita ko; hindi ito, kasi huli na ako kumpara sa dapat na taon na nakapagtapos ako.

Pero sa kabila ng lahat, naabot ko yung dulo. Dulo na hindi ko natatanaw isang taon ang nakalipas mula sa araw na ‘to.

Sana, lahat ng nasaktan at nag-fail, magawa nilang makita kahit yung pinakamaliit na butas kung saan pumapasok yung liwanag. At makita nila na kayang malagpasan yung pain and failure, na hindi palaging masakit lang. You can always bounce back, many times, higher than what you’ve expected. Higher than what you thought you can.

I hope all of us can find what we are looking for. Be it a thing, a place, a dream, a person, or even yourself holding a dream - came true.

Sabi nga ni Dora: “WE did it”

I may be a little late but at least I’m on my way yesterday and reached my dream today. When my other self told me “I cannot do it anymore”, I stood firm and held my core together, with everyone’s love and support, I made it!

Thank you so much to everyone who joined me in this journey. To my family, friends, workmates, mentors, sa lahat ng strangers along the way na naging instruments ni Lord for me to finish this Master’s Degree and to many others, thank you for every single thing.

Be it in a heartbreak or a breakthrough, I will love you more in every season, self! Sana this time, nakabawi na ako! All is well. All the highest glory and praises belong to my Big Man, thank You, Lord!

Happy graduation, Janina Mae! 👩🏻‍🎓

*Fruitcake by Eraserheads as background music* ☺️

Ever since I was a kid, I always pray for your guidance, Our Lady. I remembered my young self praying for “peace” but I don’t know how the “good voyage” will apply in supplication. Up until that day when I felt that I needed your intercession for me to see the right path. That in this life, we should journey together with God, in all times, in all seasons. I am always amazed of the candelaria and now, in awe of the lumenaria. You know the very core of my heart. Please help me pray to God that I wanted this dream very much. Please be with me on Saturday and all the days of my life. Thank you, Our Lady. ✨

📍 National Shrine of Our Lady of Peace and Good Voyage | 03172018

It was then all blurry and colorless until you came.

📷: K 🖤

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