So Where The Hell Have I Been
Just gonna start this off by saying this: I’m an ass. A huge, disgusting asshole. The biggest butt of all time, and not a good big butt, a shitty butt. I seriously cannot begin to tell you how fucking bad I feel about just ditching for almost five months. I abandoned so many people who were probably worried about me and left so many good friends hanging and good fucking god, I feel so bad. I honestly just don’t have the words to describe how sorry I am for leaving for so long without a word.
At first my hiatus started out innocently enough. I use my iPad as my computer in class, and the messages from discord, skype, and tumblr popping up during class were becoming really distracting so I ended up deleting all the apps off of my iPad. I then did the same with my phone for much the same reasons– coming back to a million missed messages and seeing my phone going off during class over and over was becoming a huge focus issue for me. This wouldn’t have been a big deal in and of itself, but I also just stopped using my laptop. I stopped doing art and playing PC games because of my stupid busy schedule, and my iPad was my stand-in computer for all intents and purposes, so I just ended up not getting messages.
I grew more and more distant from tumblr. I kept telling myself I would hop back on and get back to everyone and re-download the apps, but I continuously put it off. After a while it came to the point where I was just scared to come back. Tumblr was a huge escape from all the sadness and fear of real life and I felt like going back would send me down that spiral again. I was afraid I would become a recluse again and go back to that depressed hole that I was so used to being in. I was scared that my friends would be mad at me and thought just disappearing was a better solution than facing the consequences of my decisions. Real fucking mature, Jhyllah.
I had no clue how to explain my disappearance and was constantly sending myself into anxiety attacks because I didn’t know what to do. I felt guilty but I didn’t want to come back and explain the huge changes that have happened in my life. I just didn't want to face the people I had kind of abandoned. But yesterday, I got a message from @dserpentes on Instagram, and I realized that I couldn’t put this off any longer. I was leaving real people who may have needed my friendship, people who care about me and may have been worried about me. It was a rude awakening. I have just been pushing all the anxiety that comes with explaining yourself into the back of my mind and being an immature fuck by just running away from the problem but that’s not going to fly anymore. All of you lovely people deserve a lot more than that, and I am so sorry for leaving you all hanging and abandoning you.
On a slightly more positive note, I’ve gone through a sort of internal odyssey, and I think taking a long break from the internet has really allowed me to do so. I was so used to being dependent on my tumblr friends for everything that I ignored my innate need for face-to-face human contact and a social life outside of the internet. Once I stopped frequenting the internet for 50%+ of my day, I found myself having a much healthier daily routine, a more active social life, and doing a lot better in class and ensemble.
A lot of this was also because of the fact that my parents finally allowed me to get put on the antidepressants that I so desperately needed most of my life. I honestly cannot convey how much being medicated has improved my quality of life. It was an upward battle, and the changes were not immediate, but I do think that being medicated has made a difference and is a contributor to why I am in a better place right now.
In getting medicated and having a healthier, more sustainable lifestyle, I have also figured out a lot about myself and what I want to do with my life. After taking a class on businesses, specifically non-for-profits and charities, I've decided that I'm going to pursue a career in non-for-profit programs pertaining to music, specifically using music as a healing method. My ultimate goal in life is to start my own charity that helps those institutionalized for mental health disorders have access to the performing arts as a form of music therapy. It's honestly so liberating to finally have a goal and a direction in life as opposed to just kind of floating in a nexus of uncertainty. Because I have figured this out, I have added a second major and will soon be adding a minor to my schedule, hence me kind of putting off the internet for longer and longer.
Despite all the business, though, I am truly the happiest I have ever been. 2016 was one shit-show of a year for a multitude of reasons, and I expect the next four years to be anxiety-ridden and less than ideal on a large-scale basis, but I am truly optimistic and ready to be back on tumblr. The internet is no longer going to be my only life, but a supplement to the life that I am living and more of a hobby than a obsession.
Again, though, I am really sorry for just going MIA without ever giving any of you an explanation why. I really don't blame you if you're mad at me and don't want to talk anymore. I was being a total shit and if you want to give me a piece of your mind, I'm honestly all ears. I just hope you take this post as an explanation and a sincere apology for my extended disappearance and a way of me saying that I really want to have all of you beautiful humans back in my life. I can only hope that you find it in your hearts to accept me back into yours.
With love,
Jhyllah
